01x10 - West

[bunniefuu]

This is Wyoming in 1897.

It's a land of great
open spaces,

a land that gives a man
plenty of elbow room.

Somebody once said
that in Wyoming

you can look farther
and see less than
any place in the world.

Whoever said that
couldn't have seen
Wyoming as I have.

To look at the mountains,
the valleys, and the plains,

you'd think nothing
ever changes out here.

Maybe that's true
about the land,

but it's not true
about the people.

They've changed--
at least most of them.

They've settled down.

Twenty years ago,
it was a different breed
of men who came west.

They were looking for
adventure and excitement.

There was plenty of
adventure to go around,

and lots of excitement.

At first it was the Indians
who provided the adventure,

and for those who lived
to tell about it,

there was no question about
its being exciting.

It was a time
when life was cheap

and a man lived for today.

The odds were against his
being around tomorrow,
and he knew it.

What's more,
he liked it that way.

This breed of man
loved his way of life.

It was everything he wanted.

It was adventure and excitement
and fun.

Maybe he worked hard,

but he fought hard.

And he sure played hard.

Then suddenly one day
his world was gone.

The prairies and the mountains
were the same,

the cattle and the horses
were the same,

but the West had grown up.

It had changed.

This breed of man
was still there,

still looking for the fun
and headlong adventure.

'Evening, Sheriff.

All quiet?
As usual.

Yee-hee!
Ha ha!

Now we're gonna
have some fun!

Looky here, everybody,
listen to me.

I know a lot of you folks
in here don't know me,

and some of you
don't give a hoot,

but, now,
my name's Jimmy Dobbs,

and if I got me
an enemy in the world,

I sure don't know about it.

Now, any of you in here
don't like me?

Nobody don't like me?

Well, then, I got me
a room full of friends.

Now, come on, friends,
step up to the bar and drink,

'cause I'm buying drinks
for all my friends,

'cause that's what
friends is for.

Ain't that right,
Trampas?

That's right.
Step up, gents.
Don't be shy.

My friend's
in a spending mood.

He's the friendliest,
most-spending-est man
you'd ever have to meet--

till the money runs out!

Trampas, you take care
of the settling up.

All right.

Looky here--

no man's money's
no good for nothing

Until mine's all drunk up!

Hey, Jamie, I don't mean
to cramp your style,

but your money's being drunk up
about twice over right now.

Huh?

Champagne for everybody!

Bring on the dancing girls!

You have most enough here
for a round of beers--

short ones,
if you and me held back.

You mean all my money's gone,
my whole month's wages?

It don't go far
if it don't go slow,

and I'm out of
cash and credit both.

I'll get it.
Give me the money back.

Now let's really
have some fun!

Look!
Aw, drink up!

Oh, I heard somebody
down there thinking!

I don't want none of that!

Want nothing but drinking!

I got so much money!
In fact, tonight
I've got money to burn!

Looky here!

Hey, no!
That's a $5 bill!

Looky there!

He's out of his mind!

I guess you gave
quite a bit of thought
to that solution.

Just relax, Trampas.
Fun's just getting started.

Hey, mister,
which one of us is loco,
you or me?

Setting fire
to a $5 bill?

Yeah, what's the idea,
burning good money?

Think of the widows
and orphans.

Or me!

Well, I am thinking
of the widows.

My mother was a widow,

God rest her soul.

And I was an orphan,

and I've had a long
and terrible and hard life.

I know you're all wondering
how come I look so good

and young,
and I'm so carefree.

That's because money
ain't my master.

I never kept it long enough
for it to weigh me down.

I believe that!

Hey, let's lighten him up
a little bit there.

He shouldn't be burdened
with that!

Yes, sir, money don't mean
that much to me,

'cause money's
just for having fun.

In fact, that's all
everything's for,
is just for having fun.

Ain't that right?

I like your liquor,
mister,

but you sure talk
stuff and nonsense.

Now there speaks a man
with soul so dead that...

he ain't got no feeling
of patriotism.

Patriotic?

I'm as patriotic as any
many in the whole world--

any American too!

What I been saying
and what you been calling
"stuff and nonsense,"

that comes right straight
out of the Declaration
of Independence,

and there ain't nothing
more patriotic than that.

Where does it say
what you just said?

It says, "all men
are created equal..."

something something...
"by their Creator..."

and something something
some kind of rights,

and the greatest of which

is "Life, Liberty,
and the Pursuit of Happiness."

And nowhere in that
great, great document

does it say
one stinking word

about the pursuit of money.

He's got a point, there.

You know,
that's well put.

Yeah, wrote down
in black and white.

Hey, Jamie-- Jamie--

That good old Declaration
of Independence,

that stopped 'em cold,
didn't it?

And you know why?

Because that's true.
It is true.

I believe it myself.

Yeah, fine, fine.
I agree.

But you got some good,
patriotic reason

why we don't have to pay
for these drinks,

'cause if you don't--

Trampas,
you just relax, now.

You always take things
all serious all the time.

Being a deadbeat in this town
ain't generally considered
a laughing matter,

and as far as me,
well, I'll--

I never run out
on a drinking debt
in my life,

and it kind of hurts me,
you believing that I might.

I'd rather see you
run out than get
nailed to the wall.

You're down to around $15,
and the bill's up to around 50,

and somehow that
don't come out even.

Aw, that's all right.

Never fear
when Jamie's near.

Like I said,
money's for getting rid of!

Since you
like money so much,

I'm gonna sell you
some of mine!

Here we are!
How much am I bid,
sight unseen?

What's he saying now?

He says he's gonna
sell his money!

Come on, come on!
Got it right here!
What am I offered?

All right! 50 cents!

Hey, this here
is paper money.

I said 50 cents.

Fair enough.
50 cents, that's a bid.

Six bits?

Six bits?
How 'bout a dollar?

Dollar

Six bits once,
six bits twice...

sold for six bits.

Gimme six bits here.
There's your change!

What did you get?
How much?

Hey, lookit!
Five dollars!

He give me five dollars!
Five dollars! Ha ha!

Five dollars for six bits?

You got any more money
for sale?

That's all I got.
Here's all of it for sale,
all I got now.

What are you gonna
bid for this?

A dollar.

No, m-make it two.

Two dollars!

I'll make it three.

Two-- two and a half!

Double it!

Five sold!
There you are!

You gonna spend it here,
or gonna want me to wrap it up?

Ten! Ten for a five!
Oh, it's Christmas!

h* h*! Oh, boy!

I'd better go
check on the horses.

Oh, no, no.
That's all right.

The horses are all right.
They're in the stable.

Then I'd better go
check on the stable.

Hey, Trampas,
when'd you hook up with him?

Who, Sheriff?

Oh, him.

Oh, well, we ain't
hooked up.

Where'd you run
into him?

He's been
working on the ranch
the past 30 days.

Him, working?

Yeah. Works good too.

He never got rich
working for wages.

Aw, he ain't rich.
He's just full of fun.

Or something.

Yes, uh...

What are you gonna do
now, Jamie?

Gonna sh**t the works!

Right there in my fist,
I've got my entire wealth
right here!

How much
am I offered for it?

I know he's got
my five in there.

He's got
my six bits
for sure.

Lord knows
how much more.

Come on, now!
How much am I bid?

Do I hear $10?

I'll say $10!

Ten dollars

Oh, twenty!

$20

$50?

No $50?

All right.

$20 going once...
going twice...

Hey, wait a minute.
I say fifty.

Gimme the fifty.

There you are.

There you are.

Count it out.
What you got?

How much?

Seven dollars
and six bits?

Is that all it is?

Well, well,
it's all for fun!

You mean I'm gonna
get my money back?

No, but it's gone
for a good cause.

Now you're
buying the drinks.

That's all!
Come on, drink up!

I thank you, everybody!

Thank you!

You're a real,
live man!

It was a gyp.
I want my money back.

Well, I ain't got it.
It's all drunk up.

But that's all right.
It's all in fun.

Yeah? Well, so's this!

Come on, Trampas!

What was the name of that
big, heavyset fellow

that hit me with the chair?

Munsy. Blacksmith.

Yeah.

He-- he sure was
quite a one for
fighting with furniture.

Knocked over three
men with one table.
Did you see that?

Yeah.

Sort of boom, boom, boom--
he knocked 'em down real fast.

Kind of humorous, I thought.

He sort of looked comical
when you heaved that barrel.

I didn't heave it.
I wanted to, but it
was too heavy.

Had to roll it.

Worked out
even better, though--

caught him
right behind the knees.

Did you see him,

sort of hanging up
in the air,

sunning his heels?

Ohh!

And then, when he hit
that floor,

oh, how it did shake.
You remember that?

That was one of
the better moments.

Yeah.

He took it kind of hard,
though.

That's when he started
banging my head agin the wall.

Ooohhh.

Nothing like a good
free-for-all

to clear up the air,
you know?

Sort of makes a man
forget his troubles.

You never
had no troubles, Jamie.

Well, uh, 'least none
that I couldn't laugh off.

Yeah, sure you can
have him back,

but I wouldn't know
what for.

My chores.
Rounding up strays.

Well, well,
look who's here.

And look who's here.

Yeah, but we can
explain that.

We was just,
you know,

having a little fun.

You're charged
with disturbing the peace,

inciting a riot,
disorderly conduct,

resisting arrest,

and property damage
to the extent of...?

$123.17.

Ain't that
cutting it kind of thin?

What's them 17 cents for?

Beefsteak,
bartender's eye.

Well, I never
hit no bartender.
You hit a bartender?

I hit somebody's fist
with my chin. That's about it.

Doesn't
make any difference.

You two stirred
the whole thing up.

But come on,
get out of here.

We're not pressing
any charges.

Virginian says he'll
stand good for the damages.

That's real neighborly of you.

I'll get it back!

From them

Got a whip?

Oh, please,
get 'em out of here.

I gotta get some sleep.

Thanks, Stan.

For nothing.

Oh, I-I want you to know
Trampas ain't gonna have
to work for none of this.

I'm gonna work it all
out myself,

'cause it was my treat.

And it was worth
every penny of it too.

I hope you still think so
in about 90 days,

when it's paid for.

The horses
are right over here.

Uh, thanks for
pulling us out.

Sure. Just don't
let it happen again.

Yo.

Why not?
Why not?

Yeah, what's the harm?

Well, don't you see it?

No, can't say
as I do.

Shucks, back where
I come from,

the top hand used to
pull us out every payday.

Yeah, used to haul us
in there,

dumped in the back
of that old buckboard

just like sacks
of potatoes--

haul us home
ruined but happy.

In what is known as
"the good old days"?

Yeah,
but same thing now.

Except I'm gonna
pay the damages.

That's not the point.

Well, then, what is?

Well, uh...

Shiloh Ranch,
Judge Garth

are respected names
around these parts,

so how's it look
for the Judge

if his hands come in
and tear up the town?

I don't see that he's got
anything to do with it.

I-I give him full measure
when I'm working, don't I?

No argument, Jamie.

You're one of
the best hands we ever had.

Then I don't see why
I can't give myself
full measure

on my own time.

No man's ever
on his own time.

I-I don't quite
follow that.

I mean, a man's got
a right to kick up
his heels.

Now, I like the Judge.

He's a fine man,
and he pays me good
and all that,

but, uh, well, shucks,
he don't own me.

Oh, no. That's your
responsibility.

Yep. And I ain't never
gonna be a burden on myself,

I'll tell you that,

'cause there's
only one thing
I want out of life,

and that's a few laughs.

Now, that ain't
too much to want, is it?

Hardly seems enough.

What else is important?

Building a bunch
of fences,

or putting up
some old buildings

or a lot of
telegraph poles?

That your idea
of having fun?

Country's growing up,
Jamie.

Your trouble is,
you got growing pains.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe it's time for me
to be moving on again--

oh, after I pay you
what I owe you, of course.

Where you going, Jamie?

Where the fun's at--
West!

What West is that
you're talking about?

I mean the real West.

Them wild towns--

Tombstone, Dodge City,
Wichita.

Yes sirree--

whooping it up every night,
and twice on Saturday.

That's where I belong.

You know, you boys,
you ain't never
learned to laugh.

Oh, I don't know.

I remember laughing
real hard only last
Friday.

That's all right.
There's hope for you.

And Trampas here,
he's got a real
feeling for it.

Hey, hey!

I-I got an idea.

Hey, hey why don't
the three of us
take off together?

Hit them trail towns?

We'd have him loosened up
in no time at all,

hooting up one side
and hollering down the other!

Yes, sir!

Yeah, I can--
I can see it all now.

No, you can't.

You can see it all then.

What-- what's that
supposed to mean?

How long's it been,
Jamie, since you saw
those towns?

I don't know.
Ten or fifteen years.

But they ain't gone,
you know.

Ever think they might have
changed with the times?

They might have fences
and telegraph poles
by now.

You know, you can
spoil a real nice day
with talk like that.

Hello, Jamie.
Still awake, huh?

Yeah. You too?

Yeah.

I been wondering--

do you suppose there is
some place like you said?

You know, where
the fun's at

Sure there is.

Oh, don't you
pay no attention
to Old Sobersides.

I don't know.

All my life,
that's the place
I been looking for.

Where's it at?

Maybe the Virginian's
right.

Maybe they got 'em all
fenced off by now.

Don't you believe that.

I just been laying here
thinking about some
of them towns,

and some... women
I used to know.

Oh, I-I don't mean
them settling down kind.

Mnh-mnh, not that
woman/mother, no.

I mean the kind
you can have fun with.

Yeah, all... all...

fancy feathers
and w*r paint.

Yeah.

Just a lot of laughs.

Maybe kind of--
kind of loud,

but with big hearts.

Yeah. No strings attached.

Smelling like...

like a whole hothouse
full of rosebuds.

Yeah, that's--
that's what them towns
was like to me.

'Course if they have
gone chained,

and got all corseted-up
and respectable, then--

then they ain't
one thing or another,

know what I mean?

Yeah.

You know, well, if they have,

there's always--
always other towns.

Ain't there?

Yeah.

Just the same as there's
always some other woman.

Yeah.

I guess.

But where?

Out West, that's where.

West.

Hey, everybody,
come on!

Step up to the bar!
I'm buying the drinks!

Oh, no, you ain't!

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Now, this here's
a celebration.

Yeah, and this time,
we're paying it in advance.

That-- that enough
to cover a round?

Oh, yeah, this is
more than enough.

You keep the change,
for your honesty.

What's the celebration
about, Jamie?

Today marks the day
that I finished off
paying for the damages

for the last time
I bought the drinks!

What'll it be, Jamie?

Buttermilk.
Buttermilk.

Mm-hmm. I'm gonna try
something new tonight.

I'm gonna try not
having me any fun.

That's what everybody
else is doing...

...so figure that there
might be something to it.

That sure don't sound
like Jamie Dobbs!

Lump! Lucky!

Lump and Lucky! Hey!

Hey, Trampas,
who are them two?

Well...

I'd say that was Lump
and Lucky.

Trampas, everybody,

say hello to a couple of
old shirttail buddies of mine.

Hey, this here galoot here,
this is Lump.

He caught himself a cyclone
way down Kansas way,

and rode it all the way
to the Texas border.

That's where he bumped
into this longhorn!
This here's Lucky.

And they had to stop there,
'cause every time a cyclone
wants to go through Texas,

they gotta get his permission!

Trampas, remember what I was
telling you about having fun?

Well, these two boys come
from where fun was invented!

Boys, shake hands with Trampas.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Delighted no end.

You know, the last time
us three got together,

we cleaned out a whole saloon.

W

Down at Corpus Christi,
wasn't it?

Yeah. We cleaned it out
upstairs and down,

just the three of us.

Relax, boys.
That was long years ago.

We don't do that no more.

No, no. That's right.

In fact, we wouldn't even
have done it then,

except that some fellow
made a kind of unkind remark
about Lucky here.

What was that he said?
I kind of disremembered.

Oh, he said a Texas boy
ain't fit to sleep
with the hogs.

Oh, yeah!

Yeah! Ha ha ha!

That was his mistake.

Yeah, that's right.

Sure was!

Texas boy is fit
to sleep with the hogs.

Stick around, Trampas.
The horses is all right.

You know, Lump,

the way you kept twisting
and twisting that fellow's
head around,

he's gonna have to screw
his collar on come Sunday!

The thing that sticks
to my mind is this boy.

He's fair handy
at rolling a beer barrel.

He'll do, he'll do.

I had a good teacher.

Hey! I never did
get a chance to ask you,

what you fellows doing here?

We come
to get you, Jamie.

Well,
you got me.
Where we going?

Wait, wait.
Let me guess.

Uh... West?

Right!
How'd you know?

I had a hunch.

I mean...
after all these years?

We heard
you was working
for wages.

Oh, that's got out, huh?

Yeah.

But we come to take you
away from all that.

Well, I-I'm willing.
What you got in mind?

I-I mean besides what we've
always got in mind.

Well, Jamie,
Lucky and me,

we been working a gold claim,
you know, up in the Dakota.

We didn't exactly
strike it rich,

but we ain't been working
for wages neither.

Well, you ain't not
been working, have you?

Uh, no... but what's
a man work for, Jamie?

Beats me.

So's he can
quit working, right?

You-- you don't mean
to tell me

you boys have made
enough money so you
don't have to work no more!

No, no!
That comes next!

Well,
this sounds good.
Tell me more.

Oh, no, that's
all right. You can
talk in front of Trampas.

Well, we's got 'most
$900 saved up.

That's our grubstake.

And we got wind
of something, Jamie,
a real gold mine,

that's gonna keep you
and me and Lump here

living on velvet
the rest of our lives.

Well, gee, that...

Oh, but, boys,
I ain't got no grubstake.

Well, of course not.

You think we look for you
to have money?

We go thirds, Jamie.

First $900 pays me and Jamie
back for the stake,

then, from then on,
we split even--

thousands and thousands
of dollars.

Fair?

Sounds fair.

Yeah, I guess.

Where's this mountain at?

Superstition Mountain,
Arizona.

Oh, no, Lump,

don't tell me you got a map
to the Lost Dutchman mine,

made out the night he died
and give to the old squaw
that nursed him.

Them maps--

This here's another kind
of gold, Jamie,

on hoofs!

Beeves?

Running wild.

Must be five,
six hundred head in there.

Y-you see, they was
requisitioned by the army,

and when the w*r was over,
the army pulled out,

turned 'em loose.

What w*r?

The w*r of the Rebellion.

Must be kind of old.

They begat.

Oh. Yeah.

But, look, how come
these buenas is running
around loose,

if they're for anybody
to throw their iron on?

Oh, it's been tried,
but that's rough country
down there.

But, like Lump says,
they's wild!

But we're gonna do it,
Jamie.

That's why we come
to get you,

bridle-wise,
the best in the West!

Well, I ain't got enough
holding me around here

to dust a fiddle,
so it ain't that,

but, shucks, I ain't
never seen nothing that,

I mean,
was really worth something

just laying around
free for the taking.

Y

No.

But-- but we talked
to a fellow that did.

'Fact, he was gonna
go back and get 'em himself,

but he got bit by a snake
and he couldn't,

but he drawed a map.

And gave it to
the squaw who nursed him.

Them critters is there!

We ain't saying
they're prize stock.

They're just wild.

Scrubs, buzzard-bait,
bowwows, no doubt,

but we can fatten
'em up, see?

Now, it might take a year,
all told,

but then we cashes 'em in.

And then we don't have
to work another day
in our lives.

Yeah.

Head for San Francisco,
and just keep going west,

all the way to China.

That's east.

Which is just how far west
we're going!

Let's go!

You mean stone walls
do not a prison make?

Uh...?

Oh, yeah.
There is that.

His friend Virginia's
a little late pulling us
out tonight.

Well, maybe he's gonna
let us sit and think
over the weekend.

Oh, and then, too,

I'll probably be working
three, four months

paying off the damages
for tonight's party.

How much do you think
it'd come to?

The going rate's
about $123.

Give or take 17 cents.

Oh, yeah!

Why don't we just pay off
and be on our way?

Oh, yeah! I can't
get used to the idea
of us having money,

you know,
just in hand to spend.

Hey, Sheriff!
Hey, open the door!

Hey! Hey, come out here!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Cut out your racket!

How much is it gonna cost
to let me and my friends
out of here?

Damages come to $120.

Hey! Price is going down.

Yeah, but this time
I've added on a little fine--

twenty dollars a head.

Oh, my.
That is kind of steep.

Here you are, Sheriff.

A hundred and eighty,
and no hard feelings.

Oh, oh, oh, Lucky--
200.

Huh?

Oh, is he coming too?

'Course, we could use
another hand.
Yeah.

You think he's worth
20 bucks?

Give or take 17 cents.

Here you go.

Well, come on, Trampas.

Well, Jamie, uh...

Well.. you want
to stay here

and talk about
how you gave the poor
old Judge a bad name again,

or you want to come with us,

out west,
where the fun's at?

Let's go.

Kind of nice,
that note you left.

You know, "Dear Steve,
dear Judge, dear Virginian..."

Kind of sweet,
all them "dears."

Yeah, I thought so.

A little flowery,
b-b-but manly.

Yeah. Had me
all choked up.

Hey, hey,
that ain't it, is it?

Uh-huh.

Well, uh, now--
now how they gonna know
you're gone?

I'll tell 'em
if I see 'em.

That's the way
me and Lump seen it.

The "Lucky 3."

Right nice-looking
brand mark.

Now, give me
the stick there.

Oh, yeah.

'Course, we thunk it up
'fore we knowed you was
going with us, Trampas.

Well, maybe you'd
better not change it before
you see how I work out.

Too late for you
to back out now.

I been giving this
a lot of thought,
and, uh...

well, I mean, what do you
think about Hawaii?

Well, I figured on China,
but I reckon Hawaii's
got it beat, huh?

Now, there, nobody
does no work at all.

They just lay there
in that big, long,
white beach

with flowers in their hair.

Yeah. And all you gotta do
is open up your mouth,

and some woman comes over
and pours coconut milk
down your throat.

Or you can wiggle one toe,

and some woman comes over
and fans you with a big
old palm leaf.

All right,
that settles it.

Yeah. H-Hawaii it is.

All right with you,
Trampas.

Suits me.

Fine. Now that's
out of the way.

Lookit there. Try
reaching for that g*n again,

and we'll see if coffee
spouts out your belly
the same way.

Go on, try.

Not me.

You got the edge
on me, mister.

Oh? You mean to say
if I put this back
where it come from,

you'd make a grab for yours?

Never find out just talking.

My, my. All booted
and spurred, ain't we?

'Course, I got no way
of knowing

if you're all that fast,
or just plain stupid.

Either way, up on
your feet, all of you.

You'd best
raise your hands too.

I figure two kind of men
being dangerous--

fast ones and stupid ones.

I don't mess
with either kind.

You sh**t off your mouth
once more, big stuff,

I sh**t off your
trigger finger. Fair?

Here's your chance.

They ain't using them g*ns.

Take 'em.

Sure did enjoy to hear
what you goys are going to do
when you grow up.

We take the saddles too,
or just the horses?

Take everything they got.
Boots too.

Oh, no, not our boots.

What's the matter?

You got no use
for all that stuff,
lying around them beaches.

Just stick
a flower in your hair,
and you're all set, right?

Second thought,
we'll leave you something.

You can keep your coffee.

Take up the collection?

Go to it.

Segundo here is gonna
pass among you men.

This money you're giving
goes to keep up the work
we do, so dig deep.

Empty your pockets!

Well, looky here.

Well, well.

Twelve notches.

We got a gunslinger
with us, men,

or a whittler.

This'd be yours,
huh, Tex?

Just about cut yourself
out of whittling space.

Still room enough there
for you.

Lucky, shut up, will you?

Don't bother, Scratch.

Talk ain't nothing.

D
Quiet, you.

Not Jack Scratch?!

So?

You don't mean to say
that this is

that famous
Ace in the Hole g*ng?

So?

Well, I'll be dogged.

Things must be
really getting tough.

You know, I heared tell
that you was the real thing.

Real bank robbers,
road agents.

Real desperados.

Didn't know you's a bunch
of rag-picking penny-stealers.

See what I mean, men?

Let one man sh**t off his mouth,
they all lose respect for you.

Him. I want him on his knees.

Rub his nose in the dirt.

Now we'll see how lucky
you are, Lucky.

Three b*ll*ts in your g*n.

I'm going to spin
the cylinder once.

Odds are even
there's one under the hammer.

Anyone want to bet
I don't blow his head off?

You are lucky.

All right, finish up here.

I don't guess they'll be
talking back no more.

You gotta look
at the comical side of it.

I mean, here we was,
all set to hit down
whooping and hollering,

ripping up one side
and down the other.

Paint her four shades of red.
Now look at us.

Did you ever see four
sorrier

They's gonna be
sorrier ones.

Funniest thing
is them fellows thinking
they're gonna get away with it.

You mean
they didn't?

Not on your tintype!

They picked just about
the worst time and place
to do what they done,

especially when you figure
who they done it to.

Us?
Yeah, us!

Hey, let's sit down
for just a minute here.

You know,
in this town where
we're going,

I am well-knowed
and dearly loved.

The Sheriff and me
used to spend about
half our lives together.

Yeah. Him on one side
of the bars,

and Lump on the other!

Yeah. I used to check
myself into jail

whenever I figured
I ought to be arrested.

Sheriff even give me
my own key!

Him and me was
a couple of side-kickers
from way back.

You think
he's gonna take kindly

what them fellows done
to Lump and his friends?

No, sir.

We'll have a posse got up
and after 'em

big and pronto.

Yes, sir.

Nothing
I'm gonna like better
than chasing them down.

We'll get our money back,
and then some.

I figure I'm gonna catch
or k*ll about five or six
of 'em myself.

Now-- now hold on, there.

Don't get hoggy.
Save some for us.

That big gallywampus,
Scratch,

he's for me.

I wouldn't want to be
in his boots.

I wouldn't mind
being in mine.

Ha ha ha! Trampas!

Well, Trampas,
was I right?

Are we West

Where else you gonna run
into a real pack of desperados?

Something you can remember,
something you can tell about--

how you helped to wipe out
the Ace in the Hole g*ng.

Yeah. I wonder if they
know how much trouble
they're in.

Howdy, son.
We're looking for the Sheriff.

I'm the Sheriff.

You?!
Where's Sheriff Blade?

I'm Sheriff Blade.

You must mean my father.

He's been dead
for 14 years.

Oh, son.
I'm awful sorry.

Thanks, but I'm
used to it now.

You must be
little Tadpole!

Yes, I'm Thaddeus.

Your daddy and me
was the best of friends.

I'm your Uncle Lump!

I've heard him
speak of you.

Nothing good,
I'll bet.

Well, you're
the new Sheriff.

A chip off the old block.

I used to bounce you
on my knee!

Well, Sheriff, that ain't
exactly what we came
in here for.

You see, we been robbed.

Oh

Huh?

I'm Jamie Dobbs,
this is Trampas,

and that's Lucky back there,

and 'course you know
your Uncle Lump.

Surnames?

No, no.
Just plain old mister.

Never mind
writing it down, boy.
Come on, let's go.

Go where?
After 'em. Get a posse.

We have to keep a record.

Now, then,
who do you suspect?

We don's suspect nobody.

We know.

It's that Jack Scratch
and the Ace in the Hole g*ng.

Oh, then this so-called
robbery took place
outside of town.

Did you hear what he said?
"So-called."

Son, look at that.

Is that "so

Yeah.

Objects reported missing:
four pairs of boots.

Plus four horses,
four saddles,

four g*n belts, four sidearms,
one double-stack blowgun,

and a whole mess
of trail gear.

And 'most $800 cash
out of pocket.

So, uh,
come on, let's go.

Exactly where did this
incident take place?

Up there in the hills.

In, uh... in this
approximate area?

No, nothing like that.
No, that's all flat.

No, I told you,
it was hills.
We'll take you.

These concentric lines
represent elevations.

These are the hills.

Well, then, that's
where they done it.

This line indicates
the limits of my
legal jurisdiction.

Then those hills
aren't in your jurisdiction.

Correct.

You mean
you ain't going after 'em?

Legally, I can't.

Well, who can?

That's a curious thing.

There is no legal authority
in that area.

That's one oversight
I intend to correct

when we've achieved statehood
and I'm elected to Congress.

Uh-huh. And there ain't
nothing you can do about it
before then.

I'm afraid not.

The Ace in the Hole g*ng
frequently hides out
in those hills.

Notice the black spade
on the map,

in the box canyon there.

Yo. I see it right here.

That's the "Ace in the Hole."

It's a natural fortress,
just about invulnerable.

That's where
they probably are.

You mean you knows
where they's at,

and you still ain't
going after 'em?

I told you,
it's out of my jurisdiction.

That's the most foolish-est
thing I ever heard.

Your daddy wouldn't have
let the law stop him
from being Sheriff?

Things were different
in his day.

Well, now, uh, ain't
there nobody that'll help us
get our things back?

I doubt it.

The last sheriff
took it upon himself
to go up there

with a posse of 18 men.

Tried to clean out
those hills.

Three men returned alive.
Not the sheriff.

Aha! Yeah!
Now I savvy.

Uh-huh.

Well, think about this.

Since they're
so close by up there,

what's to stop 'em
from coming down
and hitting this town,

cleaning it out?

I am. I'm to stop them.

You see, then they would
be in my jurisdiction.

But they haven't
tried it yet.

Yeah, well, they--
they probably scared of you.

Or they don't want to spoil
a good thing.

In fact, they rode
all the way to Tucson
two days ago to rob a bank.

Ours was much closer.

Well, I sure am glad to hear
they been still robbing banks.

I kinda figured they were
having a bad time of it,

robbing poor cowboys
who ain't got no law
to help 'em.

If we don't get no posse,
we ain't got no boots,

we ain't got no place
to sleep.

Well, I can arrange

with the ladies from the church
to let you sleep there
until you find work.

Work?!

Yes, there's plenty of it here.

We're a growing community.

As for your boots,

I happen to be half owner
of the emporium here.

We can let you have
your boots now,

and you can pay for them out
of your first month's wages.

Well, Sheriff, we wasn't
exactly planning on
working for wages.

Well, plans are subject
to change,

just like everything else.

You understand.

Yeah. I'm beginning to.

We didn't get too far
with the Sheriff, Mr. Blanch.

Except he did sell us
these new boots, on credit.

That's his specialty!

We couldn't get
the men stirred up enough
to join the posse.

So we're gonna do it
ourselves.

You four are going to
ride in there

and sh**t it out with
the Ace in the Hole g*ng?

That's right.

Well, one of us might be
able to be talked out of that.

Oh h*! tr*mp!

He's always fooling
like that!

Sometimes he gets us
laughing so we're
just about sick.

No, he's going.

Trampas, you shut up, now!

Anyway, we figured
we better come
talk to you,

you being the president
of the bank and such.

Now, let me understand this.

You maintain that
because the g*ng is so close,

it constitutes a present
danger to this town

and this bank in particular.

Yes, sir.
That's the idea.

You see, the thing is
to hit them 'fore
they hit you.

And we're gonna do it
for you.

All we want to get
is our g*ns and horses

and whatever other stuff
it was

they robbered us out of.

That's all.

That's all we want.

'Course, we're
gonna need the loan

of some horses
and g*ns and stuff,
but you'll get 'em back,

just as soon as we
wipe out the g*ng.

Well, it's a fascinating
proposition.

See, what'd I tell you?
See?

You's right, Jamie.

But it's very bad business.

I'm sorry. No.

No?

And what if they rob
your bank?

What's that

Huh Right?

Well, you'll see we have
armed guards to prevent that.

Also, we're members
of an association.

We're insured against loss.

See, these days
we take very few risks.

Well, that's it.
We're taking the risk.

That's just the point.

You'd be risking
four fast horses, saddled;

four Colt .45 single-action
Army revolvers;

120 rounds of ammunition;

miscellaneous
equipment and supplies.

That totals up
to well over $1200.

That

Oh. Well, uh...

we'll take real good
care of 'em.

You'd get it back
in fine condition.

And what condition are we
apt to get you back?

Oh, don't worry
about that.

No, we'll be--
we'll be all right.

Well, the money
is not mine to lend.

It belongs to our stockholders
and our depositors,

these people out here.

We appreciate your daring,

but we don't do business
on a very daring level.

I understand your feeling,
but this is not 20 years ago.

You, you're younger
than these men.

You ought to know better.

Well, uh...
thank you for your time.

It's all right, Trampas.

Trouble is, we ain't
far enough west.

Oh. Thank you, ma'am.

You'll get your reward
in Heaven.

What is it, another dime?

Yep.

How much that make?

That's $2.24.

Long way from 1200.

I still think old Blanch
would have lent us
that money

if them other people
hadn't been there.

Yeah.

Well, you heard what he said.

It's fascinating.

Well, it's getting on
to be about thirsty time.

What do you say we take
what we got and go get a drink?

Hey, Jamie,
that's posse money.

Yeah, but...
a posse's gotta live!
Come on!

Hey, uh, you fellows
go ahead.

I think I'm gonna try
old Blanch one more time.

The bank's near closing.
I might do better
talking private.

Oh, oh, just a minute.

Uh... here's your share,
56 cents.

We don't want to spend it
'fore you get back.

Come on.

No hard feelings,
Mr. Blanch.

Shucks, we know you had to
turn us down in front
of the customers.

They might have thought
you was taking chances
with their money.

Yes, they might at that.

But they'd be a sight sorrier
if you was to get robbed.

Now, you and me both
know that, don't we?

Well, another day,
another dollar.

Any reason Sam
can't go on home?

No, no, no.
I'm just about through here.

You'll stay till I get
the money in the safe?

Good night, Sam.

Good night,
Mr. Blanch.

It ain't as if we weren't
ever gonna pay it back.

Good night to you too,
Mister, uh, Lump.

Oh, oh. Yeah.

Good night, Mr. Blanch.

I see I'm gonna have to
make it easier for you.

This way,
you can tell the folks

that you had to give me
the money,

at the point of a g*n.

This is a felony, Lump.

Oh, no, no.

The subject probably
won't never come up.

We'll have the stuff back
'fore the money's
ever missed.

I ain't stealing the money;

I'm just giving you
a good excuse

to lend it to me.

All right,
then give me that g*n.

No, I can't.

I gotta make it look good,
don't you see?

I'll probably have to tie you
fellows up for quite a spell

so it'll seem like you was
against the idea.

Now, lend me the money.

No, no.

Just-- just enough
to outfit the posse.

$1200, you said.

You'll get it all back.

Now, see, that's smart.

This way, you keep
your bank from being robbed.

I did not!
I never robbered nobody!

I was making a loan!
I told 'em that!

There, you see?
Now, let him out.

He didn't mean no harm.

Son, that-- that's your
Uncle Lump you got in there.

He was caught in the act
of robbing a bank, Mr. Dobbs.

He was taking $1200
at gunpoint.

I explained 'em all that!

He is charged
with a felony.

He will be given
a fair trial,

but he will undoubtedly
be convicted.

My guess is
he'll get ten years.

What? He was just trying
to do the banker a favor!

Mr. Blanch
doesn't seem to agree.

Doggone, you people!

I don't know, you--
you just take things
so serious!

That's true.

Well, Lump was
just trying to do
the right thing.

Wasn't ya, Lump?
Yeah.

He was doing what
you shoulda been doing,

out hunting
for them outlaws,
instead of--

instead of throwing
your posse in jail.

Bird in the hand's
worth two in the bush.

'Sides, he done it
deliberate.

Grabbed the g*n
right out of my holster.

I don't think he
could have done that if
you'd have been watching him.

I was watching him.

Oh, in that case--

Come on, son.
Come on. Unlock
your Uncle Lump.

You know, it seems to me
it'd carry more weight

if all three of us
talk to the sheriff.

Well, Jamie's
the "talking-est" one.

He figures he can do it,

and if he can't,
it can't be did.

What happens to Lump
if he can't?

Well, we might
get up a petition.

Or take up a collection?

Here, take these.

Strap on them hoglegs!

What happened?

We finally talked some sense
into that shoe clerk sheriff!

Had some laughs
doing it too!

He turned me loose,
and he give us
all these g*ns

out of his own office!

It wasn't no trouble
getting the horses

once the sheriff
set the example.

Look, I'm a deputy!

Yahoo! I told you
he was the "talking-est" one!

Come on, mount up!
Let's go!

Trampas, didn't I tell you,
we are a real posse.

And now all we gotta do.

Wait, wait.
Let's not spoil it
by talking.

Let's just do it,
huh?

All right.
Yoohoo!

Hey, Jamie,
why they sh**ting at us?

They're celebrating!
Keep going!

I'm kind of disappointed

about Trampas
turning back like that.

I worry about that boy.

He's getting
a serious streak.

Yeah, thinking we wasn't
a real posse

just 'cause we had
to lock up the sheriff

to get him to lend us
the g*ns.

And borrowing them horses
from in front of the saloon.

When we get this job done,

ain't nobody gonna care
how we done it.

You know what we're
gonna do?

Then we're gonna have
a real big laugh!

Yeah! Ha ha ha!

It's funny Trampas
couldn't see that.

Maybe when he gets back

and he tells 'em
we's up here on the job,

and just the three of us,
maybe we'll get some help.

Suppose?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Maybe we ought to build up
the fire so they can find us.

That's a good idea.

Even if they don't
want to help us catch
Scratch and his g*ng,

they might want to get
their stuff back.

Once they're up here,
they might as well
throw in with us.

Then when we wipe out
that Ace in the Hole--

Yeah.

Then you might all have
another big laugh.

Well, Lucky,
ain't you gonna try it?

No. You got the drop
on me again, Scratch.

Hey, how come you
fellows ain't down
in that hole of yours,

where it's safe?

You mean we ain't safe here?

'Course you ain't.

You're all under arrest.

You see that?

Heard how you got it too.

We's worried
how you might change
your minds

when you saw how tough it was
to get in and out,

so we come looking
for your fire.

How come you know so much?

Remember Sam,
from the bank?

Well I'll be doggone.

So now you've met
all of us.

Sam's been six months
setting it up to do that job

with no fuss or feathers...

then you come along
and touch things off.

'Course, meantime,
they been doing some
mighty fine foraging for us.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

There's more horses.
There's more g*ns.

We can always use
that kind of stuff.

Especially the remounts.
We plan to travel on, see,
after we take the bank.

Where you going?

West.

Things are getting
too tight around here.

We been noticing that too.
You got room for three more?

Unh-unh.

You ain't our type.

No, we're just gonna have
some fun with you, boys.

That's what you like,
ain't it

Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!

We ain't mad!
Let's just have fun!

Then we're gonna k*ll you.

Get their g*ns.

First man
that moves, I blow off
about six heads!

You don't have to aim
this blowgun.

When she lets go,
she kind of spreads herself
around wild,

so you'd better make sure
the man next to you
don't move too!

Scratch, you ought
to see your face!

You swallowed it,
bait and all.

I told you he would,
didn't I?

If you varmints ever had
any friends of your own,

you'd know that friends
don't run out on each other.

All right, drop your g*ns.

Do like he says.

Scratch!

Try me now, Scratch.

Well, if they's any money
around here,

they sure got it buried.

Maybe that's why they call this
"Ace in the Hole."

Maybe them two that got away
come back and got it.

Well, no matter.

We got ourselves
about 16 horses
and a dozen saddles,

enough g*ns and ammunition
to start a w*r.

Well, bunch of blankets
and tin stuff.

Money or no money,
we're way ahead.

Come to think of it,
this place being
out of bounds

to the law and all,
we own the whole shebang.

Hey, that's right!

Hey, Trampas,
how 'bout settling down here?

Might be better than
going back to town.

What are you talking about?

We's gonna be heroes!

There's gonna be
dancing in the streets!

A brass band!

Free lemonade!

Well, I hate
to bring this up,

but, well, they still think
Lump's a bank robber,

and you,
you busted him out of jail.

Yeah.

And, well, they still
figure all four of us
to be horse thieves.

Yeah, but when they
know the real truth,

that we did what we said
we was gonna do,

why, it'll be a joke.

They'll be laughing.

Screaming!

Falling down!

Putting up
statues.

Let's go.
I can't wait.

Oh, to see their faces
when we come riding
into town

all smart and sassy.

Yes, sir. This time,
we get the last laugh.

Hey, listen, would you
fellows do me a favor?

Why, sure, Trampas.
We're partners, ain't we?

We're the Lucky 4.

Well, seeing as how I
wasn't in the bank
when Lump was,

and I wasn't in
the sheriff's office
when you were,

let me go into town
first, alone.

Why?

Oh, I know.

You want to get
some of the glory too.

I just want to make sure
they think it's all that
glorious

before you fellows turn up.

Well, it's gotta be.

We-- we saved their bank.

Yeah, I know, but let me
tell 'em all that.

Then you come riding in.

That way they'll get time enough
to get out the brass band.

No, I can't wait.

Listen to me, now!
Last time they saw you,
they were sh**ting at you!

They may k*ll you
before they know
you're heroes.

I'll take the g*ns
and horses back,

and you watch
after the prisoners.

If I'm not back
by nightfall...

We come in
a hooting and hollering!

No!

Now, you take what you got here
and you get outta here,

Sheriff!

Sheriff, come quick!

Well, looky there.

Bold as brass.

Howdy.

You people got a pretty poor way
of showing your gratitude.

Trampas, even
if what you say is true,

what your friends
did up in those hills
was outside the law.

What they did here in town
was against the law.

Don't you see that?

And don't you see
that they were right?

That g*ng was planning
to rob the bank.

They got Sam's body
to prove it.

If so, then they did
this town a very big favor.

But being right by accident

doesn't excuse
being wrong on purpose.

They weren't wrong!

You'd like to believe that,
but you know better.

Now, I'm not saying
that your friends are
bad men, or vicious,

but they are dangerous,
because they're irresponsible.

You mean they don't do
things your way.

At least they get 'em done.

No, not just my way.

You ever read this?

It's called The Origin
of Species by Means
of Natural Selection,

by Charles Darwin.

No. That's one I missed.

Well, it makes the point
that man's survival

depends on his ability
to adapt to changes.

Now, your friends
won't admit that
there's been any changes.

They're still living like--
like there's no yesterday.

Just don't give me
any book reasons.

You're still gonna
press charges, huh?

Bank-robbing,
jail-breaking,
stealing g*ns and horses--

even after you got 'em all back,
even after what they done.

Well, what they did
might mitigate in their favor,

but, yes, I intend
to bring them to trial
if I can.

They have to learn.
They have to grow up
sometime.

Listen...

Ohh, they won't understand.

They think they're heroes,

and everybody's
gonna love 'em here.

They might be right, but...

I know, I know.

Let-- let me out of here.

Let me go talk to 'em.

I'll keep 'em from coming
back here ever.

We'll just keep moving,
see? West.

Their crimes
were committed here.

They're wanted here.

They won't bother you
anymore!

Please, I-I promise you.

Don't you see? If you
keep me locked up here,

it's liable to make
things worse,

for them and you both.

They're liable to come
riding in here

and try to bust me out,
like they did with Lump.

Frankly, that's the only
reason I'm holding you.

I'm counting on that.

It's gonna be a breeze.

Nobody around the jail.

I still can't believe
they've got him in there.

Ain't no other reason
he wouldn't come back.

Maybe he's drunk.

Maybe they're giving him
a coming-home party.

Well, if they ain't,

we'll give 'em
a coming-out party.

I sure hate
to keep doing this.

What else can we do?

It's them that keeps
taking the joy out of life.

He's there all right,
but the Sheriff ain't.

It's just one deputy.

This'll just take a minute.

Jamie, no!
Put 'em back, Jamie!

Jamie, will you
get out of here!

Without you?
No. Come on, now.

Jamie, the Sheriff's
been waiting for you
to try this.

Well, then,
he didn't wait long enough.

No, Jamie.
Ain't nobody outside.

Take us about a two-second
run with the horses,

and then we're west!

No, Jamie!

Trampas, will you
turn loose of that door?

Hey, come help me, Lump.

Lump! Listen to me,
Lump!

Lump, listen to me!

Jamie, you can't
do it this way!

Come on.

Please, Jamie!
Jamie, please!

Believe me,
it's a trap!

Well, then,
we'll spring it together.

It's all or none!

No, Jamie, you can't!

Halt!

Stop, or I'll sh**t!

Oh, now, Sheriff,
ain't you going
a little far?

Now, you wouldn't
really sh**t us.

Don't put it to a test.

Look around you.

Well, I'll be dog.

Now, turn around
and go back into jail.

Aww, now I get it.

It's a joke!

They're pulling our legs,
turning the tables on us.

That's it.

It's no joke, Jamie.

It ain't?

Well, it sure ought to be.

W

We went up in the hills
and cleaned out that
rat nest for you.

Well, we could have
got ourselves k*lled for you.

We saved your bank,
maybe saved your whole
town from getting robbed.

And you-- you stand there
ready to sh**t us

if we don't go to jail
for you.

Now, come on, own up.

If that ain't a joke,
I never heard one.

Well, come on, fellows.

Break down and just
laugh it off!

We're onto you.

We may laugh about it
later, together,

but we're not together yet,

and haven't been,

and right now you're putting
another crime between us.

All we ask is that you
turn around and go back
into the jail,

and surrender yourselves
for trial.

Come on, Jamie,
that's fair enough.
Come along.

Just a minute now.
I-I'm not sure that it is.

I've never seen men
who couldn't laugh
at something funny.

And I ain't sure I'd trust
being locked up

by somebody who can't laugh.

Now... come on.

Just laugh a little bit.

Well... uh...

C

Well, at least tell me
you see the funny side of it.

Well--

what's the use?

Might as well go on
back in the jail.

Right, boys,
out the back door!

Jamie,
what are you doing?

Come back here!
Stop!

Wha'd you do that for?

To keep 'em from following!

Where you going
from here, Jamie?

West!

You coming?

Jamie!

No.

Why did your friend sh**t?

The men in back,
that's all they heard.

Better let me go first.

Get out of my way!

Them two will stand trial.

I don't know
about the other one.

Sheriff,
we sent for the doctor.

We didn't have
no choice, Blade.

Didn't we?

You all right, Trampas?

Sure, Jamie.

Lucky and Lump?

Did they get away?

Clean.

It's-- it's good.

'Cause they'll have fun.

Yeah.

And... what else is there...

...huh, Trampas?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Jamie.

Well, uh...
I came back.

Oh

Yeah.

How far?

Oh...

'bout 20 years.