01x03 - c*ck

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains frequent
very strong language from the outset,

scenes of a sexual nature

and scenes which some viewers
may find distressing.

Please be aware that this programme
also contains themes of suicide.

[TV VOLUME DOWN]

[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC]

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

I dreamt you were gone
in the night.

But I looked and...
you weren't there.

Just a dream.

I know.

I'm sorry.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Come to think of it, mate...

...I had a pretty weird dream too.

Yeah?
Oh, yeah.

Pretty weird alright.

I dreamt that someone told me

that they hated being
a shitty navigator...

...and wanted to be a salesman.

Wild.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
What?

Dad.
What?

Oh, my God, it was real!

[CHUCKLES]

What do you reckon, then?
Are you ready?

Now?
Good a time as any.

OK.

Can't be crying though, can we?

Eh?

Not gonna look too good, is it?

[IMITATES CRYING]

"Please can you buy my stuff?"

[IMITATES CRYING]

Not gonna go down well, is it?

No.
Well then...

You know, my old man was in antiques.

When I was little,
he used to take me out in his van,

find some run-down old place -
a real drum,

owned by some rich biddy
with a load of filthy cats -

and he'd go in... [CHUCKLES]

And, honestly, before
I had time to finish my sandwich,

out he'd come with a nice
little Queen Anne dressing table.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, he had the gift, my old man.

The talent.

He taught it to me.

And now I'm handing that to you.

You understand?

[BREATHES DEEPLY] OK.

Ah.

[GROANS] Christ.

Didn't happen to notice
the Hulk creep in

and beat the crap out of me
last night, did you?

Right, ready, Mr Salesman?

♪ KYLIE MINOGUE:
Can't Get You Out Of My Head

One more time.
We have here on offer -

the finest range of creams,
lotions and balms.

And you'll find this...

And you'll find this coll... colla...
Collagen.

-[HORN TOOTS] -WOMAN: Piss off.
-With elastic...

Elastin-rich.
...elastin-rich cream,

which will improve
your skin smoothness

and make you look younger.

[LAUGHS] Yeah.
But what if I forget?

Well then, make it up.

Remember, she's not buying
the product, she's buying you.

And who are you?

Who the f*ck are you?

-I'm Bunny Munro.
-That's absolutely f*cking right. Tell me again.

I'm Bunny Munro!
I'm Bunny Munro!

[THEME MUSIC]

♪ Oh, baby

♪ It's a commitment

♪ It's a commitment, baby

♪ M-M-My wife don't like it

♪ My wife don't like it!

♪ It's a commitment, yeah

♪ We gotta love one another or die,
brother

♪ We gotta love one another or die

♪ Oh, baby

♪ Cos it's superglue

♪ It's superglue, baby!

♪ Knock 'em dead

♪ Knock 'em dead! ♪

And you'll find this collan-gen...

...and... elastin-rich cream...

will improve moisture... Wow.

...up to 300%.

But...

I don't think you need it.

Actually, Dad,
I think we've got the wrong house.

[CHUCKLES] OK, I can't cope.

Take my money.
Really?

I'd buy a dose of poison off you,
you little cutie.

I'll have two bottles.
OK.

You know what? When you see that,
a dad and his boy just...

It just gets me, you know?

Right here.

Where?

Alright, mate.
Why don't you go and wait outside

while I take care
of the boring old paperwork, yeah?

OK, Dad. It was nice to meet you.

Hey.

Well done, mate.

Thanks, Dad.

Oh, God.

[DOOR CLOSES]
[CHUCKLES]

So cute.

[GASPING AND PANTING]

[GROANS] Oh, yeah.
[GROANING AND PANTING]

[BUNNY MOANS FERVIDLY]

Is that your dad in my house?

We're salesmen.

He's giving her one.

He's the best salesman in the world.

He could sell your bicycle
to a barracuda.

A what?

It's a predatory fish.

Its jaws are armed

with hundreds of razor-like teeth.
Oh.

[MUM CRIES OUT]

You can hear her from miles away.

She sounds like a strangled chicken.

[MUM MOANS]

My mum died.

I wish my mum would die.
[MUM CRIES OUT]

[CAR APPROACHES]

You alright, Tony?

Wotcha, trouble.

[MUM CRIES OUT]

[MUM CRIES OUT]
[BUNNY GROANS]

[CRIES OUT AND MOANS]

For f*ck's sake.

[GRUNTING AND GROANING]

[MUTTERS ANGRILY]

Is that your dad?
That's Tony. He's Mum's boyfriend.

What's he like?
He's alright, I guess.

Donna! What the f*ck?!

[PINGS BELL] Dad bought me this.

The bike?
[DONNA SCREAMS]

No, just the bell.
It's a really cool bell.

You think so?
Yeah. It's great.

[YELLING AND THUDDING]
Junior! sh*t.

♪ WARMDUSCHER: I Got Friends
f*ck's sake, Donna! [YELLS ANGRILY]

Junior, get in the car.

Hello.

Bye then.
Bye.

Where are you going?!

OK. Yeah, look lively!

-Come on! - - Is everything alright, Dad?
-Oi! - Yep.

Everything's absolutely
f*cking perfect, my boy.

I'll f*cking break him!

f*ck!

I'm telling you, Bunny Boy,

nothing like getting your pipes
cleaned first thing in the morning.

[WHISTLES SOFTLY]

Who was your mate?

She just came and talked to me.
Oh, right.

Fancy you, did she?
Dad.

Alright.

-She did though, I can tell. She had - that special light in her eyes.
-Yeah?

Yeah. I'm telling you, Bunny Boy,
I can spot it a mile off.

Maybe I should give her one.
[COUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

Well, one day, Bunny Boy. [LAUGHS]

One day.

So, where are we going next?
I don't know. Check the list.

-I don't have the list.
-What do you mean, you don't have the list?

-You had the list.
-Well, - where did I put it? - I don't know.

Oh, f... I must've
left it back there. f*ck.

Do we need it?
We're salesmen, aren't we?

-Yeah.
-Well, how the f*ck are we gonna be salesmen with no customers?

So, should we go back and get it?

Listen, I'm gonna teach you
the first rule of salesmanship, OK?

No, f*ck it, the first rule
of being a man: never go back.

So, what are we gonna do?
Just stop flapping your feet about.

I'll work it out.

Morning.

[Oh, no. Dad, she's
the social worker from the house.]

[f*ck it.]

Tell you what, Bunny Boy,
why don't you head next door,

grab yourself some sweets?

Then have a little sit outside.

Too nice to be cooped up indoors, eh?

Thanks.
Good boy.

Right then.

OK.

-So, what happens now?
-I call the police. -Police?

Oh, are you f...
What the f*ck you talking about?

Mr Munro,
a Section 20 child protection order

had already been filed when you
absconded... A what? We didn't.

It's now been escalated
to a missing person

and the police are looking for you.
But he's not missing, is he?

He's right here, with me.
Stop, listen.

His mother has just died
in the most tragic of circumstances,

and I can't begin to explain
the effect that has had on him.

It's a f*cking tragedy,
if you must know.

Right now...

that boy... needs his father.

[SIGHS]
Don't do it.

What are you doing? You know
there's a payphone down the road?

We'll be gone
by the time you reach it.

-[RATTLES DOOR] The door won't open - till it's finished spinning.
-f*ck.

[MACHINE SPINS]

Yeah.
He's just a child, Mr Munro.

He's my boy.

I'm just... showing him the ropes.

I'm sorry about your wife, Mr Munro,

but this is what's best
for Bunny Junior.

I do hope that one day
you understand.

[SPIN CYCLE SLOWS DOWN]

What you gonna do?

Ready, boy? Come on, look lively!

Come on.

Good boy.

MAN ON PHONE: I gave you a list.
I know you did. I need a new list.

Well, those were good leads.
Well, give me some more good leads.

I can't keep giving up good leads
every time somebody loses a list.

I didn't lose it.
What happened to it then?

Jesus Christ! Geoffrey,
have you ever heard of an act of God?

What's that mean?
It means it wasn't my fault!

So, Geoffrey, sweetheart,
I'm gonna get in the car,

and I'm gonna come to the office,
and I'm gonna get a list.

No, no, no,
I wouldn't do that, my friend.

I've had the police here,
asking lots of questions about you.

It's probably best
if you lay low for a bit, Bun.

What?

-Why?
-That woman called 'em, the one with the missing money.

-And what did you tell them?
-I told 'em I didn't know where you were.

Did you tell them
that I didn't take it?

Did you tell them
that I wouldn't do that?

Geoffrey?

Geoffrey!

I told 'em that
I didn't know where you were.

f*ck sake!

Dad,
are we going back to the office?

No.

But don't we need another list?
Yeah.

So, how...

Second rule of being a man:

make sure you've got at least
one mate who'll never let you down.

It helps if he thinks
the sun shines out of your arse.

[RINGING TONE]
So don't aim too high.

MAN ON PHONE: Hello, you dirty c**t.
Alright, Poodle? I -

I can't get to the phone right now.

If you leave a message
after the beep, I'll holler back.

I know where he'll be.

We're going to the pub.
The pub?

Cool.

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[ON PUB STEREO]
♪ BLONDIE: Heart of Glass

You alright, Bun?
Alright, babe?

Poodle.

Gaz, has Poodle been in yet?
Nah, not seen him.

-Junior, come here, sit down. We'll - have a quick one while we wait.
-OK.

Large scotch. And a coke, yeah?

A coke.
Make it quick, eh, Bun?

-You know your lad ain't supposed - to be in here.
-Yeah, I know.

MAN: Yeah!


No school today?

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Oi. What you doing?

[CHUCKLES]

[MEN WHOOPING]

[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]

[WHOOPING AND CHEERING]

Dad...

when are we gonna go home?

You wanna be a top salesman?
Yeah. Course.

Well, top salesmen
have gotta be like sharks.

Ruthless, efficient k*ller sharks.

OK?
[CHUCKLES] OK.

-You know what happens to a shark - if it stops moving?
-What?

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[WHOOPING AND CHEERING]

It suffocates.

[PUB MUSIC FADES]

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC]

[PUB MUSIC RESUMES]

MAN: Well, f*ck me! The boys!

Hi, Poodle.
Alright, Poodle?

Ha, ha, ha!

-Mwah!
-Christ, Poo, you're absolutely steaming, mate.

-Hi, Poodle.
-What are you doing in here, little man?

Hm?
Just having a quick one.

[LAUGHS HEARTILY]

You, my little friend,
are just too much.

Thought you were too busy to come
and have a drink with your old pal.

Come on now, as if I'm ever
too busy for my mate Poodle.

[BOTH LAUGH]
Good to see ya.

Gary, a couple of scotches,
and another coke.

In a minute. Show your appreciation
for Jade... Not gonna lie,

I've been pretty f*cking busy
working my list. [CHEERING]

Oh, yeah? Pretty f*cking busy
or pretty busy f*cking?

-Well, I do like to go above and - beyond for my customers.
-Oh, yeah.

I know.

Course I f*cking know.

What? You alright?

[ROCK MUSIC ON STEREO]

Course I am.
Few drinks with the boys.

What more could I ask for?

-Dad. - Please put your hands together - for Yvonne!
-Right.

Listen... I think I need a wee
actually, Dad.

Yeah, go on. Over there.

So, Poo, mate,
been a bit of a hot streak, actually.

Managed to burn
right through my list.

So, I was gonna ask if...

there was any chance I could...

Hey.

You sure you're alright, mate?

Come on then.

[MEN WHOOPING]

Poo, what you doing?
[WHOOPING]

Poodle, I need a word, mate.

Go on, go on.

[CHEERING]

f*ck sake. Poo!

Alright, babe. I'll see you
a bit later, yeah?

Alright, babe, I'll see you later.

Come on, love.
Yeah!

Poodle!

[DREAMY MUSIC]

[MEN WHOOPING]

[DREAMY MUSIC]

Weird, isn't it?

You don't have to understand it,
you know.

It's OK to be a little boy...

and love spaceships and beetles.

Go on.

Go on, yeah.

[CHEER BUILDS]

-[CHEERING] -Ha!
-Hooray!

[MEN WHOOP AND CHEER]

MAN: Oi! Poodle!
Get out of the f*cking way!

f*ck off.
MAN: Move yourself, man.

-MAN: Sit down, you dickhead.
-I aren't f*cking moving! -Poo...

MAN: Poo.
MAN: Sit down.

[LEWD CACKLE]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

-All the way down. Please.
-MAN: - Will you f*cking sit down?! - Go on.

Ohhh.

MAN: Move your f*cking arse.

You ought to take the f*ck
outside.

Move out of the f*cking way!

Show me your p*ssy.
GAZ: Hey, Poodle.

-...Show it to me! - Poodle.
-It's alright, Gaz, he's had a few too many, mate.

YVONNE: Back the f*ck off, will you?
Go on. Go on. Show me.

Show me!
f*ck this.

Poo!
f*cking psycho.

-GAZ: Calm it down now.
-f*ck this, - I'm going home. - f*ck off!

No. Oi. Oi! [GLASS SHATTERS]
You want p*ssy? Here you are!

Come here, come here, come here.
f*ck you!

What's the matter with you?
Let's get you another drink.

Sorry. Is this your room?

You're alright.

[DISTANT MUSIC PLAYS]

Are you here with your dad?

[SCOFFS] Christ.

You didn't fancy the funfair, no?

I'm not a little kid.

Alright, mate.

We're salesmen. On the road.

We'll be going soon.

Oh, right. Working man, is it?

[PACKAGING RUSTLES]

Won't be wanting any of this then?

-Come on, Poo.
-What's up with you, eh? -She's gone.

What you talking about, mate?
Who's gone?

Annie. My Annie.
She's f*cked off, Bun.

And it's like...
You're my mate, aren't you?

Yeah. Course.

It's like she took it with her.

All of a sudden, it's gone.

I can't make a sale,
I can't f*ck, I can't...

It don't work anymore.
Alright.

Don't panic, OK?

It's just one of those things.

Happens to everyone.

Has it happened to you?

Well, no.

But...

...it's happened to people I know.

You mean me?

Yeah.

Nah, don't worry, Poo,
old Bun will sort you out.

Gary, get us a couple more drinks,
would you?

[DISTANT MUSIC CONTINUES]

You alright?

Yeah.

I should go.

My dad's
probably wondering where I am.

Back to work, right?

Working man.

Actually...

...can I please have some?

Take it.

Thanks.

Good luck.
You too.

Everything's gonna be alright.

Thanks, Bunny.

[WHISTLES SHARPLY]

It's good to see you, mate.
You too.

Yeah?
Yeah.

[SIGHS]

I didn't just come in to say hello
though, you know?

I was after a bit of a favour, actually.

What favour?

Look, truth is,
ran into a spot of bother.

Caught with my pants down,
you know how it goes.

And I managed to lose my list.

I was gonna ask
for a couple of names off yours

but, actually,
if you're not in the zone right now,

maybe I should take the whole thing
off your hands. What do you reckon?

That's why you're here?

That's why you've come to see me?
f*cking... Yeah.

[CHUCKLES] I'm not being rude,
Poo, but do you really think I've got time

to sit round
listening to your sob stories?

[CHUCKLES]

It's your fault.
What is?

You f*cked her. After the wake.

Who?
Annie.

-Did I? Oh, please.
-Poodle, what does it even f*cking matter?

[ROARS WILDLY]
Poo!

[ROARS]
Oi! What are you... What the...

Get off! Get the f*ck...

Argh! [WHIMPERS]

You're a c**t, Bunny!

A true, proper, total c**t!

I've been your best mate for years,
and I love you,

but you don't give a f*ck
about anybody

but Bunny f*cking Munro!

No wonder she k*lled herself!

MAN: Whoo.
MAN: Oi.

♪ BUFFALO SPRINGFIELD:
For What It's Worth

She had a condition. You knew that.
Everyone knew that. She was ill.

There was nothing me
or anyone could do about that.

It wasn't my fault.
None of this is my fault.

If you wanna hold onto a bird
for two f*cking minutes, Poo,

maybe try not being such
a f*cking loser. Lost it?

[SARCASTIC CHUCKLE] Lost what?
Lost it? You never f*cking had it.

You're a part-timer, mate,
an also-ran.

And if your bird was so special,

why don't I even remember
f*cking her?

Poodle.

Poodle!

Poodle!

Dad!
Hey, Poodle!

-Poodle, man. - I want you to say - - sorry to me.
-Poodle! - Say sorry!

-...Poodle! - Say sorry!
-And then will you give me the f*cking list?

Oh, Bun.

Argh! No, no, no, no!

[SOFTLY] Poodle.

Poodle, mate.

f*cking hell! It's alright, mate.
It's alright.

I've called the police, my wife's
on the phone to an ambulance.

-It's alright.
-The police? Yeah. Did you see the numberplate?

Help is on the way. Right, mate,
just stay as still as you can.

Wait, where the f*ck are you going?
You can't just f*ck off!

Oi!
[SIREN WAILS]

[TYRES SCREECH]
Mate!

Where are you going?!
You can't just f*cking leave!

[MOURNFUL MUSIC]

[SIREN WAILS]
Yeah, yeah. No, I'm holding. Yeah.

[INDISTINCT PANICKED CHATTER]