05x06 - Planes, Shanes and Automobiles

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Sass, uh,
we wanted to talk to you

about Thanksgiving.

Obviously, we normally
go to Jay's parents.

Yeah, but this year,
they're going on a cruise.

Apparently,
my mom wants to see Alaska

more than her baby boy.

-He is a 40-year-old man.
-SAMANTHA: Anyway,

we just wondered
how you might feel about us

doing a small Thanksgiving here?

And why are you asking me
specifically?

SAMANTHA:
Um...

Jay?

I don't know what's being said.

Relax.
I'm just messing with you.

Well, first off,
I appreciate that

you guys even thought to ask.

And, yeah,
if you want to have a dinner

to express gratitude
with friends and family,

like, I'm all for it.

-He says it's okay.
-But I would maybe ask

that we take some time
to remember the atrocities

that were committed
against my people.

And that you make
that marshmallow yam thing.

Sasappis, oldest friend.

Thorfinn agrees important not
to gloss over difficult history.

All of which happened
long after Thor's time.

So, you're just
distancing yourself?

Didn't you, like,
m*rder thousands of people?

[laughs]:
Yes, but in Europe, so...

-clean hands.
-Okay.

This is a disgraceful display,

and I, for one, am disgusted,
especially as an Irish person

who was also oppressed.

You didn't even know
you were Irish.

TREVOR:
I'm pretty sure that during

the first Thanksgiving,
my ancestors

were being chased
out of the shtetl

by the Cossacks, so...

Pete?

I'm from the '80s.
I drove a Datsun.

Look, I think the point is,
you were all taught

this idyllic story
about Thanksgiving,

and obviously,
there's much more to it.

Right. Well said, Sasappis.

And really, all we can do now
is learn and be better,

because none of us
were actually there.

Well...

I-I wasn't there, either.

Baby, you're a colonizer.

I'm g*y.

Is that anything?

What-what about
our Puritan friend Patience?

W-Where is she?

Patience! Patience!

We need you!

♪ ♪

Heading to Chicago
for your first book signing.

This is very exciting.

HETTY:
I once made it as far west

as Michigan,

but I did not have
the confidence in my French

to continue on to Illinois.

SAMANTHA:
I'm a little nervous.

I mean,
the publisher says

we still haven't gotten
the sales numbers,

and what if nobody shows up
to my signing?

Then it shall be
both our failures.

Though far more
humiliating for you,

since you'll be there
and are alive and everything.

It's gonna go great, babe,
and we're gonna celebrate

with Thanksgiving dinner,
which you promised

you'd be back in time for
and not abandon me

like my parents did.

You pay taxes, you own a home.
Cut the cord, Jay.

SAMANTHA:
Are you kidding?

Our first Thanksgiving together
in our own home?

I wouldn't miss it
for the world.

Samantha, have you reminded Jay

about turning on my sound
machine while you're gone?

I know that I was born
before electricity,

but now I cannot sleep

without the soothing murmurs
of the rainforest.

ISAAC: And I need him to
turn on the History Channel

tonight at 6:00 p.m.

There's an American Revolution
marathon,

and dare I say,
it will be the first marathon

Ben Franklin's
ever been a part of.

Also, Thor need Small Man
to turn on night-light.

For Flower.

Thor not at all worried
about monsters under bed.

Don't worry, guys,
I have given Jay

a comprehensive list
of ghost tasks.

You'll be well taken care of.

Yeah, guys, don't worry,
I promise to

"turn Alberta's magazine page

-every 12 minutes"?
-ALBERTA: Oh, you tell him

to double that
for any Momoa-related content.

Your girl likes to savor.

Let's go, go, go.
We got to get a move on, Sammy.

Oh, relax, Pete, the flight
doesn't leave for three hours.

Which leaves just enough time
for you to get through security,

and for me to find your pilot
and make sure he's sober.

That Denzel movie?
Scary accurate.

HETTY:
Okay, this is unacceptable.

Trevor, I asked you


to have Jay open the curtains

so that I could stare out
my staring window.

He is not responding
to any of our texts, Hetty.

He not even checking list.

I am hitting send
on a very sternly worded warning

in which we threaten to tell Sam
that he's not doing our bidding.

You see how you like this.

[strains]

[phone chimes]

Ha. Okay, you can tell Sam
whatever you want,

because here's
what I'm telling you:

I'm not doing any of this.

-[gasps]
-He did not.

This is actually
really healthy for you.

You guys have gotten spoiled

with Sam kowtowing
to your every need.

Well, guess what?
There's a new sheriff in town.

One that plays
by his own set of rules.

I don't like this.
I don't like this at all.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go upstairs

and watch whatever the hell
I want on TV.

[laughs]:
Okay.

He is diabolical.

-We need to do something.
-HETTY: What if we text Sam

saying the house burned down?

She'd come running back.

No, she might check in
with Jay first.

Otherwise,
perfect plan, no notes.

Thor think Thor have idea.

If we can't have Sam
and we can't have Sam's man,

maybe we can have Man Sam.

Wait, I speak Thor.

-I think he's talking
about Kyle.
-[gasps]

-Yeah. That's what I say.
-Hold on. Kyle?

The Living who can see ghosts,

who hit on Sam
last time he was here?

Yeah, I don't think Jay's
gonna be doing backflips

over us inviting Kyle
to the house.

-Yeah, that's a good point.
-Although, when you think
about it,

here is the one place
we know Samantha is not.

So, in a way,
by having Kyle come here,

Jay should be put at ease.

-How?
-Well, if Kyle is here,

then Kyle cannot be out there
potentially bumping into

an unchaperoned Samantha.

So, you saying we not just
bringing Man Sam to be butler,

we actually potentially saving
Sam and Jay's marriage.

-Ooh.
-HETTY: Oh...

We are good people.

Now, let's text Kyle
pretending to be Jay

and we'll deal with the fallout
when he gets here.

Oh, yes.

Oh, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

Not-not quite done.

And-and almost there.

Okay, you can turn it.

[clears throat]

Wait a minute. Who's Derek?

-Can you go back a few pages?
-[exhales]

Pete, are you sure
you don't want to just stretch

your legs for a bit
before we board?

It's kind of a long flight.

Oh. That's not a bad idea.

Maybe I'll go sample
some of the smells

over at the old Cinnabon.

Dang, that's fun to say.

Cinnabon. Cinnabon.
Cinnabon-bon-bon-bon.

-Okay.
-[laughs]

You know,
the Cinnabon was actually

a Keychain Hut a while ago,

and there was a guy
named Phil that ran it,

and Phil went to Ithaca College.

True story.

Why would I think it was fake?

Well, it's a pretty
good college,

and Phil was not
the best student.

Yeah, and I didn't know
any of those things, Pete.

Well, now you do.

Cinnabon-bon-bon-bon-bon.

Ithaca. That's another
fun one to say.

Ithaca. Ithaca-ca-ca.
[laughs]

Wait, who is Derek?

KYLE:
Hey.

I'm here.
Man, that Thanksgiving traffic

is brutal.

Okay, first of all,
thank you so much for coming.

-Second, please accept
our apologies.
-For what?

-What the hell
are you doing here?
-For that.

I'm confused.

You invited me.

Why would I invite you?

You made a move on my wife.

Was us. We invite you.

Now finish up saying hellos

and commence cooking food
for us to smell.

Ah. The ghosts are saying
they invited me.

Seriously, guys? I tell you
I won't be your butler

so you call my nemesis?

Wow, "nemesis" is a far cry

from this reconciliation text
I got,

which I'm now realizing
must have come from Trevor,

due to the late '90s
Bud Light GIF.

Wassup?

[stammers]
This is so embarrassing.

Jay, I will get out
of your hair.

-No, please don't go.
-What about Momoa?

I'm sorry, guys.
I can't help you.

-What are they saying?
-Just doing their typical
ghost begging.

-[gasps]
-Well, we didn't want it
to come to this, Kyle,

but please tell Jay

that if he doesn't
allow you to stay,

we're gonna tell Sam
of how he's been eating

-since she's been away.
-KYLE: He's an adult.

I'm sure Sam doesn't care
what he eats.

Wait, what are they saying?

Well, that doesn't sound so bad.

No, that can't be possible.
For breakfast?

-Oh, no.
-In the bathtub?

Four Big Dill Double Smashers
in one sitting.

THORFINN:
'Twas a feast,

but not a celebration.

Reeked of shame.

Is this about the Sonic?

It's about the Sonic.

Okay, fine, you can stay
and help with ghost stuff,

but you stay out of my way.

And the bathroom
is supposed to be off-limits.

Off-limits, ghosts.

-Was it Hetty?
-Yeah.

Victorian perv.

Really?
They tricked Kyle into coming?

I'm so sorry about that, Jay.

Whatever.
Ghosts are gonna ghosts.

How'd the book signing go?

It was okay. I don't really
want to talk about it.

Honestly,
the hardest part has been...

...Pete.
[chuckles]

I just never spent this much
one-on-one time with him.

He's been very... annoying.

Hmm. Well, that doesn't sound
like my boy.

Although, to be fair, I've never
once interacted with him.

Here he comes. I got to go.

Hey, deep breaths, babe.
Just a quick flight home,

and then our
Thanksgiving feast awaits.

I can't wait to see you.

Aww, I can't wait
to see you, either.

I'm gonna go shower
with my bathing suit on.

Please hurry back. Love you.

-Love you.
-[silly voice]: Hey, Sam.

[regular voice]:
I just met a really nice ghost

over at the Hudson News.

I told her
you'd look up her nephew

to see if he ever
became a dentist.

-Seriously?
-It's gonna take some time, too,

because she died in 1905,

so the nephew's also long dead.

-How expensive is Ancestry.com?
-One short flight.

-What's that?
-ANNOUNCER: Due to
an unresolved labor dispute,

all ground crew are on strike,
effective immediately.

All flights are canceled
at this time.

-[people murmuring]
-What? No.

Fish sticks.

But look
on the bright side, Sammy,

you and I are about to spend
a whole lot more time together.

Fish sticks.

All right, road trip time.

[laughs]:
This is fun. Good, clean fun.

-Uh-huh.
-I think we can make it
in 13 hours,

which puts us back at Woodstone
just in time for turkey.

-Great.
-And that's even allowing

for several brief stops
for the one of us

who still needs to pee.

Now, if we really want
to shave some time...

Pete, I've already said no,
I'm not wearing a diaper.

Damn it, why won't
this stupid phone connect?

Just put it in the cupholder
facing me,

I'll keep my eye on the map,
you keep your eye on the road.

Now, do you have a preference
in terms of navigation voice?

[Australian accent]:
Crikey! Turn left in 300 meters.

[regular accent]: The Australian
accent will be in metric.

Or I just use my regular voice.

Yikes.

Okay, Sass, your, uh, pizzas
are on the way.

Pepperoni? Extra pungent?

I did ask for that.
They seemed confused,

-but we'll see what arrives.
-Thank you.

-Turn!
-On it.

Hetty and Isaac, I know Jay

is watching football on the TV,
so I downloaded

the latest season
of Bodices and Barons

for you to watch on the iPad.

And you'll watch it with us?

-Shirtless?
-Yeah, sure.

But not the shirtless thing.

Man Sam is true boon
to the house.

Too bad Small Man hate his guts.

SASAPPIS:
Seriously. It'd be great

to have you ghost-sit us
whenever Sam goes out of town.

Agreed, because even my tier-one
ghost power has limits.

I can poke, but I can't grab.
It's probably for the best.

It wouldn't be fair.

Grabbing would make me a god.

Yeah, well, unfortunately,

I think this might be
the last time I'm here.

-Turn.
-It's a bummer. I really enjoy

being around Livings
who know my secret,

and Jay seems like
a really nice guy.

Well, what if we were able to
help you mend fences with Jay?

Fence mending. Now,
there's a shirtless activity

if ever I heard one.

-W-What do you mean, Sass?
-SASAPPIS: Well, I mean,

you got a bunch of people
right here who basically know

everything there is
to know about Jay.

What if we helped you

-make inroads with him?
-I'm listening.

Are you? I said "turn,"
like, two minutes ago.

-Oh, sorry.
-HETTY: Good little butler boy,

doing what we say.

-What?
-I said,

"Let's help you win over Jay."

SAMANTHA:
I don't understand.

This doesn't even look
like a road.

-This is what the GPS said?
-If GPS stands for

"good Pete suggestion,"
then you betcha.

-What are you talking about?
-I'm saying

the robot is no match
for a travel agent.

This thing was sending us
straight into holiday traffic.

It didn't even know
about State Road 81.

Trust me,
this is a huge time-saver.

Oh!

Crikey.

[sighs]

Hey.

What you doing?
You, uh, watching football?

-Yep.
-Cool. I love football.

NFL. You got a,
you got a team in this?

Nope. I'm just hoping
the Cowboys lose.

Oh, yeah, me, too.

Big Giants fan.
Those '80s teams

were just the greatest.

You know,
Mark Bavaro, Phil Simms.

And the linebackers.
LT, Pepper Johnson.

And the linebackers.

-LT, Pepper Johnson.
-JAY: Whoa, Kyle.

You really know your stuff.

Thor like the Vikings.

Does Boston have a team?

What's their mascot?
An alcoholic?

How about that 1990 season,
when Simms got injured

in, like, the last game?

Hostetler came in
and led the G-Men

on an epic Super Bowl run.

-Hostetler. Unforgettable.
-Talk about the best mustache

since Magnum, P.I.

Say it.

Trust him, dude.
He's gotten you this far.

Talk about the best mustache
since Magnum, P.I.

Hell yeah.

HETTY:
Men require

such tenuous ground
for friendship.

Hey, man, you want to sit down
and watch the game?

Did LT end Joe Theismann's
career on Monday Night Football?

Did LT end
Joe Theismann's career

on Monday Night Football?

Whoa, that's dark, Kyle.

But I like it.

[soft laughter]

Go Vikings!

So loud.

-[insects chirping]
-Come on. Pick up.

I counted 38 rings.
I don't think they're answering.

That was the last tow company
in a 50-mile radius.

You know, I can't help but feel
partially responsible.

-You don't say.
-On the other hand,

you did sort of force me
to look for a shortcut

because you refused to wear
the Huggies Pull-Ups,

as I suggested.

Was it because
they had dinosaurs on them?

'Cause those can be
for gals, too.

Just shut up.
Shut up, shut up, shut up!

-Okay.
-I can't take it anymore.

The tips and the quips
and the stories,

and every town we passed,
you knew a guy

who worked at a place
who did a thing.

-I was just trying to be
a good travel buddy.
-The only thing

that you have done,
besides get us stranded

in the middle of nowhere,
is annoy the crap out of me.

I wish you weren't even here.

Well, looks like
you might get your wish.

Oh, no.

We have to get you home, Pete.

-Like you even care.
-I didn't mean what I said.

I was stressed out
and I took it out on you.

Well, yeah, travel's stressful.

That's why people turn
to qualified professionals.

Or at least, they used to.

Now it's just, "bleep-blorp,
phone, bleep-bleep-blorp."

It's not just the travel
or your stories, it's...

I don't know, the book.

I know it's just a Y.A. novel,
but for me, it's a big deal.

And nobody showed up
at the signing.

I still haven't heard anything
about the sales numbers,

which doesn't seem
like it bodes well.

There were a few people there.

Remember that one guy
that ran in, so excited,

and he asked you that question?

He wanted the bathroom code.

-He thought I worked there.
-Look,

it makes total sense
that you're stressed.

But no matter how the book does,
you already won.

You're a published author.

And I couldn't
be prouder of you.

Thank you.

And if this is how it ends,

next to a broken-down rental car
outside of Dunbridge, Ohio,

I'm just glad
it's with you, Sam.

Wait a second,
did you say Dunbridge, Ohio?

I remember a long time ago,
you told me

a story about that place.

Yeah, I get it,
I tell too many stories.

No, Pete,
who was the guy you knew

who worked in Dunbridge, Ohio?

He had some sort of
tour company?

Shane Johnsonbaugh.

Good man. Scratch golfer.

I remember his mother
had a wooden eye.

Pete, look--
Johnsonbaugh Tour Company.

[chuckles]
They're still in business.

Maybe they could help us.

I mean,
Shane's probably long gone.

It's worth a shot.

I know, right?

Walter Payton gets all the love,

but Ottis Anderson was the man.

But how do those teams stack up

against Eli Manning's
Super Bowl teams?

TREVOR:
Oh...

Uh, that is after my time.

Uh, yeah, Manning, he was good.

JAY:
Okay, here's a fun one.
If you could take

one receiver from that team
to start a new franchise with,

who you going with?

ISAAC:
Just say

an extremely common name.

Archibald.

Or Sven.

M-Miller.

Miller? Who's Miller?

Uh, a receiver.

Oh, this is hard to watch.

Just say goodbye
to our shirtless butler dreams.

Kyle, name any Giant
from 2001 to 2020.

Andre.

You were using Trevor?

Do you even know anything
about football?

Not in the way
I think you're using it,

but I-I am a really big
soccer fan.

-Oh, my God.
-I'm sorry.

I just, I thought that maybe
if we bonded over something,

it would help
smooth things over.

Not cool, man.

And ghosts, I'm not surprised,

but I am disappointed.

Nice work, Alberta.

How is this on me?

That is what you should
be saying about your hat.

-[line ringing]
-Come on. Answer the phone.

SHANE [over phone]:
Hello?

Hi. Uh, my name is Sam.

Is this Shane Johnsonbaugh
who founded Johnsonbaugh Tours?

Uh, no, that was my dad.
Shane Sr.

Oh, okay, well,

my car broke down
on State Road 81,

and no one in the area
can help me.

I was hoping...

[laughs]:
Lady, it's Thanksgiving.

And what were you doing
out on 81?

That hasn't been a road
in 20 years.

-Rub it in.
-Uh, sorry.

I knew it was a long shot,
it's just...

...I'm a family friend
of the late Pete Martino.

Pete Martino?

Forget it, Sam.
I'm gone and clearly forgotten.

He was friends with your dad.

Man, I haven't heard that name

since my dad passed away
ten years ago.

He loved that guy.

Said he always had
the best stories.

-I'd have to agree with that.
-So, wait, you said

-you're stuck?
-Yeah, but...

I just need a lift
to the nearest bus station.

I'm trying to get back
to the Hudson Valley.

Bus station?

You know,
for a friend of Pete Martino's,

I think I can do you one
better than that.

♪ ♪

Thank you, Shane!

[gasps, exhales]

[laughs]

Pete is complete!

-[door closes]
-Happy Thanksgiving, babe.

Oh, you made it.

You arrive in helicopter?

Car is a "landship,"
but you know "helicopter"?

Is what Skye flies
in Paw Patrol,

so, yes, Thor familiar.

The house smells incredible.

Old soft hands Jay has been
cooking up a storm.

Hey, Sam. Hey, Pete.

-Ky Guy.
-SAMANTHA: Hi, Kyle. Uh, thanks

for babysitting the ghosts.

Jay, I-I just want to say

I'm-I'm, again, sorry
for everything.

I, uh, I don't have
a lot of friends in my life

because of the, you know,
freak thing.

Um, but, yeah,
I'm gonna get out of your hair.

I think Blimpie is open
till 6:00 on holidays, so...

What a sad history
that knowledge implies.

You okay if I invite him
to stay?

-If you're comfortable
with that.
-Kyle, wait.

I overheard what you said
and, yes, I'd love to stay.

-[laughs]
-Yes!

Man Sam back in the fold.

Oh, let's all go freshen up.

Kyle looks like he could use
a long, steamy shower.

Hetty, I can see you.

Mm-hmm, I can see you, too.

Scrub-a-dub-dub, butler boy.

I'd like to take a moment
to pay tribute to Sasappis

and the Lenape people.

So, I prepared

what the Lenape referred to

as the three sisters:
corn, beans and squash.

Kind of a long-winded way
of saying

you didn't make my yams
and marshmallows.

And now, as promised,
the coup de grâce,

yams and marshmallows.

Yes. The fourth
and fifth sisters.

[strains]
Let's go.

[groans]
This is so lame.

Why are we at the kids' table?

We're the newest ghosts. Hey.

Should we choreograph a dance
and present it to the grown-ups?

We're all grown-ups, Pete.

We're post-grown-ups.
We're dead.

I would like
to say something. Uh...

Thanksgiving is about
family and friends.

And sometimes,
those are the people

who annoy you the most.

But they're also the people
who you would miss the most

if they weren't there.

We're only in each other's lives

for such a fleeting
amount of time.

-Not that fleeting.
-And it's easy to get caught up

in reaching a goal or getting
to a certain destination.

But what matters is
who you're on the journey with.

Right back at you, Sammy.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Even Isaac, who was a colonizer.

A g*y colonizer.

All right, I'm going into
the dirt to find Patience.

♪ ♪