01x03 - The Witch Hunt

[bunniefuu]

The investigation's being led

by a detective who 15 years ago

brought down
the McKinnon crime family.

PRUE: I didn't do it, you f*ck!

JESS: They need
a new Buck and Doe

and we've heard that
it's between you and Rory...

And me and Stretch.

The Doe? Huh.

You took down
my crochet garden post.

I'm going to tell the world
the truth.

I've been seeing a female
student in all the wrong places.

-No, no, no.
-OFFICER: Get back, get back.

BARBARA:
We need to find this psycho.

We need to take her to jail

and get our f*cking lives back.

Um...

...I'm gonna finish up

with my three favourite
things about Scott.

His knock-knock jokes.

His love of dogs.

And... his kick.

Seriously, that guy has the best
torpedo b*mb in the league.

Had.

Had the best torpedo b*mb
in the league.

We love you, Rory.

-MAN: Love you, Rory.
-WOMAN: Come on, Rory.

-You can do it.
-WOMAN 2: You got this.

What?

Baby!

Look, I know that
they're looking

to replace you as captain, mate,

but I'm not sure that
they ever could, and...

[INDISTINCT WHISPERING]

I miss you.

[APPLAUSE]

GEOFF: Cheers for that, Rory.
Heartfelt stuff.

Maybe the St Stephen's
bagpiper could play...

[PLAYS BAGPIPES]

Scott was a big loss to the uni,

but we can't forget about Lyle!

He wouldn't have wanted
his death to be in vain!

GEOFF: Alright, mate,
that's enough.

JARED: No, no, no, we are here

because of the feminists!

This is the feminist agenda
at play!

It's not the place, dude.
We're saying goodbye!

It's true! Two men castrated!
And k*lled!

-And there will be more!
-VICE-CHANCELLOR: Boys...

-We should rise up against them.
-Boys!

I know this is difficult and
your emotions are legitimate,

but I must reiterate,

despite these two tragic deaths,

there is not a serial k*ller
on campus.

-[HUBBUB]
-Bullshit!

VICE-CHANCELLOR: We are
making great strides forward.

In fact,
our stellar policing team

have just retrieved
an image of our k*ller

from campus CCTV.

STUDENT: What?

We are looking for information

regarding anyone
owning this bracelet.

STUDENT: What?

VICE-CHANCELLOR: The police
have set up a hotline...

Hotline? Are you serious?

What's a hotline?

[HUBBUB]

Come on!

The only hotline
I want is from Drake!

VICE-CHANCELLOR:
Please do get in con...

-[HUBBUB]
-Piper. Piper!

-Come on, do your thing!
-GEOFF: Calm down.

-STUDENT: Oh, come on!
-[PLAYS 'AMAZING GRACE']

[EASEL THUDS]

♪ Duchess says

[CRUNCHY ROCK GUITAR]

♪ Oh, please clap your hands now

♪ The Duchess says ♪

♪ Come on, hurry up

♪ With this... ♪

[NOTIFICATION CHIMES]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-[WALKIE-TALKIE BLEEPS]
-Yes?

You should say,
"Go for Barbara."

You have about 10 seconds
before I take the batteries out.

You still have that bracelet,
right?

[BANNER FLAPS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

I have no idea where it is.

OK. It's not like they can
link it back to you, right?

Well, it has

my name spelled out
in beads, Elise.

Where should we start?
Should I start in... in the quad?

It's been picked over by cops
a million times.

If they could find it, they
would have found it by now.

OK, fine,
I'll check the Swamp Bar.

I'll go to the art rooms.

I'll meet you there
when we're done.

Copy that.

Over and o...

[WALKIE-TALKIE BLEEPS]

Babe! [HALF-LAUGHS]

You did so good today.

Scott would have loved
your speech.

I was glad you could make it
this time.

I'm sorry, I know.

I'm sorry I missed the kick.

It's really poor form, Babz.

Thanks, Debbie.

OK, um, we... we are
gonna go to that thing

and you guys can sort this out.

Come on, let's go.
[CONTINUES CHATTING]

It took me 17 attempts, Barbara.

'Cause you weren't there.

You're right. I'm-I'm sorry.

I haven't been there for you,
OK?

How do I make this right?

I'm just really sad, babe.

OK, well, every time you're sad,

you send me
one of your MAA videos.

MMA. It's mixed martial arts.

I would like that. Thank you.

OK.

Should we do lunch by the river?

That sounds amazing. Um...

OK, I just have to go post.
'Bye.

VICE-CHANCELLOR:
Detective Roach,

I don't think
I need to remind you...

It's just an initial wave
of withdrawals.

The boys will calm down.

Am I being hysterical, am I?

Is that what you're implying?

Vice-Chancellor,
this is Officer Shepherd.

Who?

Officer Shepherd.

I've been
the student-police liaison

for the past two years.

Detective Roach,

I've sent you
my Panic Action Plan.

If you can't follow it,

then I think we should
jump on a joint call

with the Commissioner,
understood?

Yep.

Jeremy, switch this stupid
f*cking thing off.

[CALL TERMINATION BEEP]

That went well.

I haven't seen her this invested

since they restored
all the gargoyles.

So, she's organised
an after-hours bus,

extra security detail

and self-defence classes
for the boys.

You know, those are all measures
I've recommended for the women

for two years.

Can they at least come to class?

I guess we can figure that out,

because we are now key
facilitators of the action plan.

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]

[SCRAPING NOISE]

[NOTIFICATION CHIMES]

-BARBARA: Anything?
-Oh, nothing.

Why do you have
so many clothes in here?

Have you checked your bag?

Why would it be in my bag?

Wow.

Why are there so many cans?

They're good for panic attacks.

God, these murders
are k*lling me,

and I have to keep
a very needy Rory happy

if I'm to be the Doe.

Wait, aren't you already
nominated?

The Buck picks his Doe.

If we aren't together,
it can't be me.

Oh, well, just so you know,
you're taking this really well

considering it's literally you
on the news.

Lucky they can't
make out your name.

For now.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Whew.

Oh, sh*t, are you OK?

I think I'm having
a panic attack.

Wait, what do you mean,
you think?

Well, I-I've never had one
before, Elise!

Look, look, it's OK.

All we need to do
is find the k*ller,

then none of this bracelet stuff
even matters.

You should have a panic fizz.

OK.

Whew.

Ooh!

So, the Men's Rights boys

posted an ill*gal photo
of the second m*rder.

I thought we could compare
the crime scene,

look for differences.

BARBARA: Well, their art sucks
compared to ours.

-It's OTT and gross.
-ELISE: Yeah.

And they've emasculated the body
in a really childish way.



Whoa!

It's a gift.

And as we know, it took place
in the women's therapy room,

but there was no sign
of forced entry.

So we're looking for a feminist
with keys to the therapy room

who also fits a 12C. [SCOFFS]

You know, it's Club Day.
Lucky for us!

All the feminists
will be in one room.

ELISE: Wow.

Who knew this university

had such a rich tapestry
of political women?

Remember, we're here to find
the k*ller,

not for you to make a friend,
OK?

You go find the keys.
I'll... see who fits the cup.

OK.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

♪ Set us free
from this ancient world

♪ Where they play so hard and

♪ Girls, girls, girls, girls

♪ Girls, girls

♪ Girls, girls, girls, girls

♪ Every time I see
that crazy scene

♪ Baby, turn you on and

♪ Girls, girls, girls, girls

♪ We don't care,
it's a girls, girls world

♪ Love your beauty

♪ It's a girls, girls world

♪ Leading ladies

♪ It's a girls, girls world

♪ We don't care,
it's a girls, girls world... ♪

Oh, I'm so sorry. I have no idea
how that got there.

-Hi!
-Hi.

WOMAN: We are the uni's
first independent society

for online adult models.

Don't watch a lot of porn, huh?

Uh, yeah, so much.

Um, I'm a real porn...
pornoisseur.

Do you guys ever use
the women's therapy room?

Sometimes. Um, do you want
to join us?

We're actually
looking for a third

for 'Everything
Every Hole All at Once'.

♪ We don't care,
it's a girls, girls world. ♪

ROACH: So what links
the two victims?

Scott being such a Lothario...

r*pist.

I was trying to be PC, but yeah.

I'm wondering whether Lyle
had... had a similar record.

Hm.

No.

Never had any complaints
across my desk.

ROACH: Right.

They couldn't be more different.
[CLICKS MOUSE]

An alpha jock and a beta MRA.

They're at opposite ends
of the man-o-sphere.

Well, we know who hates
the man-o-sphere - feminists.

Well, we've already got the
leading rad fem in holding,

which is where she was
when the second m*rder occurred.

Yeah. And her lawyer's gonna
have her out of there by noon.

We need to expand our search.

So, what,
round all the feminists up

and put them in a pen?

Is that an option?

-No.
-No.

-[NOTIFICATION CHIMES]
-Oh, you've got a text.

Fighter height comparisons.

Oh! Ignore it.

If we're looking for
the obvious murderers,

we should probably start with
the people with all the knives.

Yeah, well, they do have a key,
and one of them is the cup size,

but then there's also
the, uh, Bronteë brunette

and one of the, um,
sex c... c... uh... uh...

Cammers?

OK, so we have three suspects.

-[DOOR OPENS]
-PRUE: Daddy's home!

[CHEERING]

sh*t. Did you know she was out?

g*y or from jail?

ELISE: We should get out of here
before she recognises us.

BARBARA: OK.

ELISE: Ah!

Maybe it's a good sign.

If Prue did remember,
she'd have told the cops

and they'd be here instead,
right?

[DOOR OPENS]

[WOMEN BOO]

All cops are b*stards!

WOMAN: Yeah!

ROACH: One of these?

Yeah, thanks.

Right.

Hi.

It's Barbara, right?

Uh, sorry, how do...

Oh, I'm a big fan
of your socials.

I am wondering why you're here.

You know, fourth-wave feminism,

women who code.

It's not really your scene,
is it?

I'm sure a lot of women

are wondering why a cop is here,
Officer...

Shepherd.

Oh, you know, that reminds me.

You don't happen to own
one of these, do you?

Ooh. I mean, oh, I get sent
so much promo sh*t.

If I have a surplus,
I could try to hook you up.

ROACH: Hey, Shep,
you were right.

I should have printed more.

I'm sorry.

Looks like your boss needs you.

How's Maya?

Maya?

[MYSTERIOUS VOCALISATION]

[DOOR OPENS]

RORY: Barbara? Barbara!

Barb... Barbara,
I was waiting by the river.

-Can we talk about this later?
-No.

I'm sad and I want to hang now.

Can you stop being so dramatic?

Are you f*cking kidding me?

Hey! How about limiting
the male aggression in the room?

Seriously, Rory, just go.

Two men are dead!

Do any of you know
what it's like

to lose a friend to a monster?

To walk around campus at night
and not feel safe,

or to carry a whistle
in case you're attacked?

Like that's ever going to help.

Are you serious?

f*ck off, arsehole!

[HOICKS]

[WOMEN LAUGH]

Oh! Righto, come on, mate.

This is not a safe space
for you.

-WOMAN: Yeah, get a grip.
-WOMAN 2: ACAB!

[WOMEN CHANT] ACAB! ACAB! ACAB!

-Come on.
-ACAB! ACAB!

ACAB! ACAB! ACAB! ACAB!

-[DOOR OPENS]
-ACAB! ACAB!

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SIGHS]

[CAN FIZZES]

-Oh!
-Oh!

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

That's probably not
what you needed.

[SCOFFS] Rory hates me,
that cop's onto me

and whatever we're doing here

is probably the stupidest thing
I've ever done.

Thanks a lot, Elise.

If you're feeling lonely
at midnight,

you could come and join us
in the woods.

It's a full moon tonight

and we're cleansing the campus
of... impurities.

Um, I can't tonight,

but I wish you every success.

[MEN GRUNT]

GEOFF: You left yourself
wide open there, Dorian.

Boys, you should be
at attention.

We're in the presence
of a legend.

Yeah, yeah, righto.

This is Rory.

-Yes, hello, Rory.
-Got his picnic with him.

Why do you have a picnic?

Sorry.

Alright. Yeah.

The VC said you'd be attending.

Here.

I would love you to put this on.

Give the boys
a more comparable assailant.

-I can do that. Hey?
-No, no, no. No!

When are the women joining us?

What?

SHEPHERD: The women.

They should be invited to
self-defence class too.

GEOFF: Alright, boys,
we're gonna get into pairs.

That's two.
So one plus another one, yeah?

-[CHATTER]
-Yes!

-Thank you. See you after!
-[LAUGHS]

Hey, girls, um, is Rory here?

No, babe, he's been looking
for you for, like, hours.

He was really pissed.

Yeah, it's just, like,
not good for the Doe, Babz.

Yeah, thanks, Debbie.

OK, well, if you see him,
can you please tell him to call?

-What?!
-Oh, my God!

-What is going on?
-I don't know. I don't know.

-[GASPS] Go, baby!
-[LAUGHS]

Yes!

I'm gonna f*cking k*ll you.

Can she say that?

She can say whatever she wants,
mate. She's here to k*ll you.

[GRUNTS]

Yeah, that's it, that's enough.
That was dreadful.

Alright, Rory and Jared,
you two are up.

The rest of you,

let's get into pairs,
find a match.

Come on. In you get.

Let's see if you can do
any better, boys.

Come on!

Thank you. Off the top.

-MAN: Yeah, go, go, go!
-[PLAYERS GRUNT]

-And here we come!
-[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Come on then, Chadzilla.

[JARED GRUNTS]

[JARED GROANS]

JARED: Argh!

Ow!

Ha. Ooh! [GRUNTS]

Argh!

[GRUNTING]

Stop it!

[BOTH GRUNT]

Argh!

-Oh!
-I miss Scott.

I miss Lyle.

I don't know what to do.

Oh!

Why are we being taught
to defend ourselves...

when they should be...

when they should be
teaching women

not to k*ll us?!

You know what I'm saying
is true.

Your friend was k*lled
by a feminist!

Let's stop all this bullshit

and let's send a message.

[EMOTIONAL MUSIC]

ELISE: So, this morning
Barbara opened up

and said that she needed me
to help her

with her portion of
our special art project,

but now she's pulled away and
I don't really know what to do.

Hmm, sometimes people
just need a bit of space.

Have you made any other friends?

-[DOOR OPENS]
-NICOLE: You used all my soap.

-I'm sorry.
-[OPENS DRAWER]

I've got lots of friends, Mum.

[NICOLE LAUGHS] No, you don't.

The thing is,
we've actually really bonded

and I think I'd be a bad friend
if I just left her alone.

Elise...

I'm only gonna
ask you this once.

Are you sure Barbara
wants to be friends?

I'm gonna go.

-No, no, darling, I'm sor...
-[HANGS UP]

[BATS SQUAWK]

[UNSETTLING SOUNDSCAPE]

MAN: No, please don't.
Get away from me.

I haven't even passed
my exam yet.

[UNSETTLING MUSIC]

[BATS SQUAWK]

[FEMALE VOICES WAIL]

HOODED FIGURE:
Come here! Get back here!

[LOW BATTERY BEEP]

[BARBARA WHISPERS]Elise?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[WALKIE-TALKIE BLEEPS]

Barbara, go for Elise, over.

BARBARA: It's the Wiccans.

In the woods.

Right now. Bring help.

[WALKIE-TALKIE BLEEPS]

The Wiccans...
are cleansing the campus.

I need a weapon!

[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

Hey, that's my toaster!

-I promise I can be more woke!
-Come on!

[WHISPERS] Elise!

Elise!

Barbara for Elise.

I mean... I mean,
uh, uh... Elise for Barbara.

Uh, don't worry,
I'm coming, over.

[BARBARA WHISPERS]I'm at the
clearing near the big tree.

MAN: Please, don't hurt me.

I mean, I'm captain
of the football team.

Somebody help me!

f*ck.

[UNSETTLING MUSIC]

-[WALKIE-TALKIE BLEEPS]
-Elise, where are you?!

-ELISE: Barbara!
-[WALKIE-TALKIE BLEEPS]

[UNSETTLING MUSIC]

[PANTS]

-Which tree?
-[WALKIE-TALKIE BLEEPS]

Who the hell was that?

[DISTURBING MUSIC]

ELISE: Arggh!

-Thank you. Thank you so much!
-Oh!

Cut. What the f*ck?!

What the hell are you doing?

ELISE: What the hell
are you doing?

RUBY: We're making porn.

ELISE: Porn?

Of the murders?
It's only been a week.

Well, hey, prude, the internet
wants what the internet wants.

Yeah, you're right, I don't know
much about this stuff,

but I do know bad taste
when I see it.

Hey, ladies,
I'm starting to go soft.

BOTH: Shut the f*ck up, Andy!

I just... I thought you were
the K*llers.

You have knives and C-cups

and keys to
the women's therapy room.

EMERALD: The women's
therapy room?

-Yeah!
-Oh, my God.

Uh, the lock hasn't worked
for months.

Yeah, you just open the door,
idiots.

EMERALD: Mmm!

Uh...

It's a big toaster.
I don't see the issue.

You said, "Bring help."

I meant the police!

[ELISE SIGHS]

[WICCANS INTONE]

ELISE: So that's what they meant
by cleansing the campus.

I guess we're back
to square one.

Well, on the bright side,

I've never had a friend
defend me with a toaster before.

That was a new experience.

Friend?

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

['NOBODY'S SAVIOUR'
BY ROWENA WISE]

[FLAMES WHOOSH]

ROACH: Alright, people,
let's back away!

What were you saying
about the boys calming down?

-Not now. I said back away.
-OK, everyone move!

All of you. Keep moving.

No further. Come on.

-♪ Oh, to think... ♪
-Keep back! Keep going.

-♪ That you could know... ♪
-Back away!

-♪ Yourself by now... ♪
-Alright, that's enough!

SHEPHERD: Make some space!

♪ How did you end up like this?

♪ Another year
you're by his side... ♪

-SHEPHERD: Everyone move it.
-ROACH: Just back away.

-SHEPHERD: Clear off.
-ROACH: All of you.

SHEPHERD: Move on!

♪ Another year around
the fireball in the sky

♪ Oh, to think
that you could learn... ♪

-Did you see...
-Yep.

♪ To be alone... ♪

I guess she remembers us, then.

♪ Lonely would be more honest

♪ Superwoman, don't you know

♪ You're superficial

♪ Make believing

♪ That his heartache

♪ Is your mission

♪ You're nobody's saviour

♪ Oh, no... ♪