01x02 - Little Miss P.I.

[bunniefuu]

ELISE: I'm Elise.

You're Barbara.

I've seen you
in my Fine Arts class.

I came here to be
a protest artist.

-Camel!
-Shut the f*ck up!

-Why are you overreacting?
-Where are our rights?

Let him film, you fugly dog!

BARBARA AND ELISE:
f*ck the patriarchy!

k*ll all men!

Let's go teach him a lesson.

Go f*cking... gorilla sh*t.

[PEOPLE CHEER]

REPORTER: Detectives confirmed

the victim was footballer
Scott Nicholls.

We have to go to the police.

No way! They'll think we did it.

BARBARA: You bury the evidence.
They won't find anything.

We got away with it.

SONG: ♪ Don't you
forget about me

♪ Take control of my mind
if you wanna party

♪ I got a see-through body

♪ You're seeing through
my body tonight

♪ Don't you forget about me

♪ Take control of my mind
if you wanna party

♪ I got a see-through body

♪ I'm seeing through
my body tonight

♪ f*ck off with your jokes
and your picket fence

♪ I like being choked
without a pretence

♪ You can hide behind
your clothes

♪ Like nobody knows... ♪

[PHONE CHIMES]

♪ Call me Wednesday Addams

♪ I'm a cheeky fright

♪ Mistress to your madam
on a Friday night

♪ Hide my number in your phone

-♪ Like nobody knows... ♪
-[GAGS]

[RETCHES, GROANS AND COUGHS]

Oh, no. Oh, Nicole.
I'm... I'm so sorry.

I'll clean all this up,
I promise.

Look, I really do think maybe...

you got the wrong first...

impression. [GAGS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Babz, hey, what the f*ck?
You missed yoga this morning.

Yeah, sorry, um,
I was hanging with Rory.

Yeah, how's he holding up?

We bet he must be super lost
without Scott.

Yeah, he... he is.
He's... He's super lost.

Who the f*ck would do that?

It's like, yes, OK,
Scott was a groper,

but only when he was drunk.

-Right?
-It's those angry-a*s feminists.

They always take things too far.

It's, like,
remember when they changed

all of the signs on the toilets

and then no-one knew
which one to use.

Yes, like, what the hell even
is an all-gender ambulant?

-[PHONE CHIMES]
-JESS: What does it mean?

DEBBIE: So f*cking annoying.

Is it Rory?

BARBARA: Yes, it is.

He wants me to come back
to his room, so...

-DEBBIE: Aww!
-..I'd better head off, yeah.

Go to him. We'll just meet
you guys at the kick.

The kick?

Um, isn't that meant to be
at the end of the season?

Oh, he didn't tell you?

-Um...
-DEBBIE: Crazy.

JESS: Well, Rory's doing it

for Scott this afternoon,
as symbolism.

Yeah. Babe, you're coming,
right?

Of course I am. Yes.
I'll be there.

Yes, OK, yep. This is a day
just like any other.

So see you soon.

-What?!
-Well, it's not...

[HAUNTING VOCALISATIONS]

Hey! Stop digging!

Stop digging!

Shoo!

Get away from there, dog!

Right now! Away!

[DOG BARKS]

Right now! Hell... Uh, hello?

Does anyone own this dog?

[DOG SNIFFS]

Does anyone want this dog?

[OPERATIC SINGING
WITH DRAMATIC MUSIC]

This was a truly senseless act.

We have lost a beloved student

and the integrity

of one of our most esteemed

heritage-listed statues.

I want to assure you

that the investigation
is in safe hands,

as it's being led by a detective

who 15 years ago

brought down
the McKinnon crime family,

the great man himself,
Stuart Roach.

[APPLAUSE]

Good.

-Uh...
-[CAMERA CLICKS]

That was a long time ago.

Thank you, Vice-Chancellor.

Well, but, for now,

we have detained an individual
for questioning.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

We will leave no stone unturned.

So that's good.

-Cheers.
-[CAMERA CLICKS]

REPORTER 1: Will this affect
student enrolment?

REPORTER 2: Will Prue Matthews
be formally charged?

I can assure the student body

that they will find
those responsible...

then put them away for life.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

ELISE: What did I miss?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

♪ Don't you forget about me

♪ Take control of my mind

♪ If you wanna party

♪ I got a see-through body

♪ You're seeing through
my body tonight

♪ Don't you forget about me... ♪

-[MOUSE CLICKS]
-♪ Take control of my mind... ♪

I didn't do it, you f*ck!

Arggh!

I keep telling you, I passed out

and someone put this sh*t on me.

I don't know, sir, I'm sort of
inclined to believe her.

She... she was found
covered in red paint,

she has radical
anti-male beliefs,

and earlier on that day,

she had an altercation
with the victim

as witnessed by
a police officer.

-SHEPHERD: Yeah, but I know her.
-PRUE: f*ck!

-ROACH: Yeah?
-SHEPHERD: She's pretty direct.

I feel like, if she did it,

she would honestly just tell us.

PRUE: I wish I k*lled him!

If I did, I would have
done it twice!

And that doesn't even
make sense.

It's not just Prue.

I've had countless complaints
about Scott.

He was a bully and a r*pist
with a drinking problem.

Well, we should have
forensics back later today,

then we'll see whether it puts
Prue anywhere near the body.

PRUE: Ohh!

So rest up, I reckon.

[DARKLY WHIMSICAL MUSIC]

[DOG PANTS]

So at some point, are you
going to explain the dog?

He was digging around
the evidence. [GAGS]

Christ! Can you at least try
to keep it together today?

Sorry, I think
I've run out of vomit.

-Now it's just noise.
-OK, wait.

Who sent it?
Was it the k*ller?

What did I just say?

OK, maybe it's time
we go to the cops.

OK, or, if we can't do that,

maybe we try and find the
k*ller before we go down...

Elise! I have
a lot on today, OK?

This is just one more
small problem

and then everything
will be back to normal.

-[DOG BARKS]
-[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

Two small problems.

BARBARA: It's fine, it's fine.

We were wearing masks
and the first thing we did

was paint over the camera.

Yeah, but what about
the other cameras on campus?

The Swamp Bar.

That's just us getting drunk.

The art space!

[DOG BARKS]

sh*t!

Oh, f*ck.

ELISE: I'm guessing
there's definitely

a camera in there, then.

She saw me
put the key back yesterday,

so it's probably suss
if I'm hanging around again.

I thought you said
nobody saw you.

Yeah, well, I... I lied.

Sorry, OK?

I'll go in the back.

-You text when they're gone.
-No, no, no.

We should stay off our phones.
For security.

-I got us these.
-[HELICOPTER WHIRRS NEARBY]

The box says ages 6 to 11,
but the range is legit.

They're super sturdy.

And you just
had these in your bag?

Yeah, always.

My mum and I used to chat

when I was working at the deli.

SHEPHERD: So the art
quadrangle first,

and then the law building.

PHOENIX: Right, so what time
can we expect them?

Well, a competent team
would be here...

[PHONE RINGS]

Hey, Mum, what's up?

Elise!

What the bloody hell's going on?

A boy is dead!

When you didn't call back,
I was so worried,

I thought something
had happened.

It says
"k*ll all men" everywhere.

I don't think I'm their target.

Oh, that poor boy!

-Oh, and his doodle.
-ELISE: Hmm.

[SIGHS]

You look chalky, darling.

Have you been
anxiety-retching again?

No, no, no, I'm fine.

My friend and I, we're just
working on a special art project

and it is, uh...,

-OK.
-It's super stressful.

-Well, what friend is this?
-Yeah.

-OK, Mum, I have to go.
-No, no, wait.

-Elise, did you get...
-I love you.

[UNSETTLING MUSIC]

-[DOG BARKS]
-ELISE: Oh.

Barbara, they've gone.

Yeah? Thanks for the text.



Today.

What?

One thing at a time.

-One thing at a time.
-I haven't seen any cameras.

Maybe we finally caught a break?

IVAN: I am so f*cked.

Why are you f*cked?

Well, because of the m*rder,

they're gonna see me
creating my cuties.

Uh, so, what...
what's the problem?

When I create, I go into
a deep, trance-like state,

and often come out changed.

And sometimes there's liquid.

OK, so, you hump the animals.

No, 'cause most
of the liquid is tears.

[DOG WHINES]

IVAN: Oh. Pleasure to meet you.

-So, Peter...
-Ivan.

Ideally, the cops,
when they get to the camera,

there'll be no memory card
in it, right?

Or the same card
would be in there,

but I would have taken it out

and microwaved it
for 22 seconds.

What... What's holding
you back from doing this?

Well, I need help
reaching the camera

when Phoenix is not around.

But he comes through here
all the time.

I-I guess we could help you
with your plan.

-IVAN: Really?
-BARBARA: Of course!

IVAN: Thank you!

Would you excuse us a moment?

[MUTTERS QUIETLY]

-IVAN: Oh, may I?
-Oh, yeah.

-IVAN: Thank you.
-Of course.

One of us distracts Phoenix,
the other helps...

I'll distract Phoenix!
For the mission.

I mean, I will take one
for the team

and, yeah,
I'll distract Phoenix.

Have you got a crush on Phoenix?

What? No. Ugh! Gross!

Dude, he's a self-congratulatory

fake feminist with
a non-intimidating jawline.

Yeah, exactly.

So who wants to spend
any time with him, then?

-I will take the shite job.
-OK, OK, fine, fine, fine.

You take Phoenix. Just...

You're gonna have to
lean into... seduction.

[GAGS]

Yeah, you... you
should do... do it. Mm-hm.

Yeah.

-[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]
-[GAGS]

Professor?

-Hey!
-Ahhh.

I was wondering if we could
talk about my assignment.

Um, yeah, of course.

My door is always open.

-Literally.
-Yeah?

Yeah, thanks to
the open-door mandate

after Professor
Walters's misconduct.

Shall we get a coffee?

Pew!

-[DOG BARKS]
-ELISE: Oh, my God.

-Please be quiet!
-[DOG BARKS]

I think he's
scared of the ladder.

He'd make an awesome
dog c*ck.

-[BARKS]
-Shush up, dog!

Someone's gonna hear you.

-You need to be an alpha.
-[DOG BARKS]

Stop. Now.

[PANTS AND WHINES]

[MYSTICAL VOCALISATIONS]

In animal packs,
the alpha is the pack leader.

That should be you.

But the dog knows that you
don't have any alpha energy.

Yes, I do.

Sit!

[MYSTICAL VOCALISATIONS]

[INTENSE MUSIC]

[DOG WHINES]

Wow.

PHOENIX: You're
a postmodern artist,

and I've always seen
social media

as the Louvre
of the modern world.

Da Vinci, Rubens, Barbara.

Your profile is your canvas.

You seem distracted, Barbara.

PHOENIX: It's Rory, isn't it?

His little tantrum
in class the other day.

[SIGHS QUIZZICALLY]

Look, he's a nice kid and all,

but you don't need
all that drama.

BARBARA: We're fine. It's...

It's just our thing, you know?

Well, maybe you need someone
more mature, hm?

My wife is six years older than
me and she is the absolute best.

[PHOENIX GROANS]

What's the time?

Probably looking for me.

Yeah, I'm supposed to get back
to the art space

for when the facilities team
arrives at 3:30.

Oh, well, be... Shouldn't
you just get back there, then?

Oh, no, no. In a second.

This is more important.

Have you ever been bouldering?

You know?

[DARKLY WHIMSICAL MUSIC]

Ivan, pull your pants up!

I-I think they're stuck.

-[PHONE CHIMES]
-ELISE: Ooh!

IVAN: Oh! Oh.

-Ivan, we need to hurry.
-Just...

maybe if I try
to go back up again.

ELISE: OK.

IVAN: Oh! Ooh!

Oh, my God, Ivan!

[THUD!]

DEBBIE: Barb!
Oh, my God, there you are!

-I'm so sorry, girls.
-Rory's about to do the kick.

-Come on!
-I'm so, so sorry.

I'm just in the middle
of something.

What is more important
than this, babe?

[SIGHS] OK, I know
I need to be there for Rory.

No, no, this is bigger
than Rory, Babz, OK?

Scott's gone.

So they need a new Buck and Doe

and we've heard that it's
between you and Rory and...

And me and Stretch.

JESS: Which is, like,
absolutely heartbreaking

'cause I could never choose
between the both of you.

The Doe?

-I just...
-Hey, Barb!

-Got your coffee!
-DEBBIE: What the actual, B?

BARBARA: Oh, my God,
it's so embarrassing.

-He won't take a hint.
-JESS: It's fine.

-Yeah, come on, let's go!
-We get it.

-Hey, girls.
-Hi, Professor.

-Oh, my God, what is happening?
-Ew!

[ELISE BREATHES HEAVILY] OK.

IVAN: If I was to build you
out of clay...

I don't want to know about it.

I'd make you
a half-mouse, half-wolf.

Because on the outside
you look pathetic.

Dude, this isn't helping.

IVAN: But on the inside,
you are strong, like a wolf.

ELISE: Oh, I got it. [PANTS]

IVAN: There you go.
There you go, you got it!

-[MEMORY CARD DROPS]
-ELISE: Oh! Oh, no!

I dropped it.

-IVAN: Oh!
-[PHOENIX SPEAKS OUTSIDE]

-Ivan, we need to go.
-IVAN: Oh, no.

OK, get me out of this.
A little harder.

-[FABRIC RIPS]
-Arggh!

-ELISE: Get the card.
-IVAN: Where is it?

-I can't see it.
-ELISE: OK.

IVAN: OK, I'll take the ladder.

PHOENIX: Bit up in arms about...

[INTENSE MUSIC]

[PHOENIX CONTINUES TALKING]

Can I have
a little bit of space?

Oh, sorry.

PHOENIX: tell them,
and they keep doing it.

BARBARA: No!

I just mean,
why don't we show these guys

the storage room for a minute?

The facilities are so amazing.

[DOG WHINES]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[PHOENIX CONTINUES TALKING]

PHOENIX: whatever the model
inspires is the right choice.

-BARBARA: That is so right.
-[DOG WHINES AND PANTS]

BARBARA:
I think you should look...

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[PHOENIX AND BARBARA
CONTINUE TALKING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

OFFICER JACOBS: What the hell?
Is that a dog?

PHOENIX: Oh, I have no idea
what it's doing in here.

You did it, wolf-mouse!

I became the alpha.

PHOENIX: as a kind of
a little quick fix,

which was quite cool, because
it meant that we could...

[PHONE CHIMES]

Keep the class...

BARBARA: I should
probably head off too. 'Bye!

-OK.
-IVAN: Hey.

[WHISPERS] If you have time,
I'd love to walk you through

some animal mash-ups
I've been working on.

[WHISPERS] I have to go.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

ELISE: Do you reckon
the blackmailer

thinks we did the art,
or the m*rder too?

-Hmm.
-Either way, I'm ready.

-[MAKES COMBAT SOUNDS]
-OK. OK.

No, I feel amazing.

My gagging's stopped.

I guess when you master
your alpha,

you master your body.

Calm down, Vin Diesel, OK?

We need this sorted stat.

I need to get to
Rory's memorial kick.

Why?

I need to be there
if I'm going to be the Doe.

What's that?

It makes me
the leader of my college.

It's basically
the reason for my existence.

SHEPHERD: Uh, team's still
trawling through the CCTV,

but half of the cameras
don't even have a backup card.

ROACH: Bugger.

How many buttons can a kid eat

before you start to worry?

What?

Well, my kid found a way
into my wife's cardigan.

-It's really colourful...
-Forensics came back?

ROACH: Yeah.

So, um, Scott's death

came through
the, uh, head wound,

and, um, the body
was placed, uh, at the quad



Any evidence
that Prue was there?

ROACH: Not at this stage.

Great. So we can let her go.

No, I think that we keep her for
as long as we're allowed, right?

Just in case.

Oh, and there was
a size 11, uh...

men's footprint
right next to the body.

So we could be
looking at a male k*ller?

I mean, maybe,
but it seems unlikely,

considering the artwork.

I mean, it's probably
post-contamination.

Uh-huh.

Hey, um, I've been seeing
a female student

on campus.

[HELICOPTER WHIRRS NEARBY]

I don't have much,

but I do have
a strong gut feeling...

Nah, let's just wait until we
see the rest of the CCTV, OK?

[SOMBRE MUSIC]

Listen... the McKinnon case.

Yes.

The reason you're famous.

Yeah, I was watching
some old interviews with you,

and... you seem
pretty different now.

Thank you.

I just feel like
maybe you used to be

someone who would trust
a gut feeling.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

BARBARA: You go first,

because let's assume
they don't know you're involved.

OK.

Yeah, scope out the space,

text me if it's not safe,

and be ready to call the cops

if things go bad.

Copy that. Let's use these.

[DEVICE BLEEPS]

Can we text on them,

or do we just need to announce
our intentions

to everyone around us?

ELISE: I'll go first.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[PHONE CHIMES]

Oh!

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

What the f*ck?!

Ohhh!

There's no-one in here.

What kind of blackmailer

makes an appointment
and doesn't keep it?

[DRUM ROLL]

Barbara.

Now's not a good time, Jenny.

Why did you take down
my crochet garden post?

Seriously?
f*ck off, Jenny, OK?

We're in the middle of some
main character sh*t right now.

-ELISE: Hey, Barbara.
-What?

I think it's Jenny.

JENNY: You took down
my crochet garden post!

I saw it gone when I woke up.

You think you can
get away with it?

Now I'm going to tell
the world the truth.

What truth, Jenny?

That you lent us some stockings?

Are you sure
the crochet community

is ready for
such a huge revelation?

JENNY: I came into the bathroom.

One of you wasn't wearing pants.

Then I sent her a ransom letter,

and both of you turn up.

Which means...

JENNY: A secret love affair

between a Dutch exchange student

and an influencer who is
pretending to be straight,

therefore cheating
on her jock love boy.

I'm British!

Making love in a toilet.

Putting red dots
all over their clothes.

Classic lesbians.

Jenny, what do you think
a l*sbian is?

Can you just...
Just give us a second.

She has all the evidence
they need to convict us.

But still she has no idea
what she's talking about.

OK, but what's worse, Elise?

Someone smart
who we can reason with

or a total f*cking wild card?

I'm not putting her dumb sh*t
on my feed again.

Don't worry.

I've got this.

These are my demands.

One post a fortnight
about the benefit of crochet...

Jenny,
two things are gonna happen.

The first, Barbara and I
are going to come out

and tell everyone that we're
in a committed relationship.

-We are?
-We are.

And you'll be cancelled
for life for q*eer-shaming us

and the entire internet
will boycott your flowers.

Ohh! Oh!

And the second is this.

[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

Ohh! Ohh!

Scary! [PANTS]

Sorry, I just learnt
about being a dog alpha.

They're... they're
going to deport me!

I don't like crochet
flowers either,

but I can't afford the yarn.

When I left my province,
the agent was fraudulent.

I thought the money
I gave him was for my tuition.

-But he took it all.
-Oh, no.

JENNY: And now I can't
afford to be here.

Selling my garden
is my only income.

I'm desperate.

But please, don't cancel me.

I'll leave your love alone.

[WISTFUL MUSIC]

Oh.

Type in your bank details.

Oh.

Why did you do that?

She said she was gonna
leave us alone.

Anyway, I guess we did it.

Camera evidence gone,
blackmailer nullified.

Life feels pretty normal again.

OK, what if Prue tells the cops
she saw us that night?

When is Jenny gonna figure out
what those red splotches mean?

I mean, really, anyone
could have seen us that night.

[CROWD CHATTERS EXCITEDLY]

-But I thought you said...
-No, you were right.

You were right, OK? This is
just gonna keep coming at us.

There's only one way
to get our lives back.

[SOUND OF BALL BEING KICKED]

[CROWD REACTS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

MAN: All good, Rory.
Walk it off, dude.

-sh*t!
-MAN: Do it for Scotty, Rory!

[SIREN WAILS]

[TURBULENT STRING MUSIC]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

OFFICER: Right, move on.

WOMAN: Hey, stop touching me.

OFFICER: No, you can't...

WOMAN: Excuse me,
I have a right.

That could be my friend.
Can you stop it?

Excuse me. Excuse me.

[TURBULENT MUSIC CONTINUES]

OFFICER: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Get back, get back.

-[SIREN WAILS]
-Get back. Stay back, alright?

-JARED: He was my best friend.
-[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

We need to find this psycho.

We need to take her to jail
and get our f*cking lives back.

[TURBULENT STRING MUSIC
WITH HAUNTING VOCALISATIONS]

[DEVICE TRILLS AND BLEEPS]

[DARK MUSIC]

[DARKLY WHIMSICAL MUSIC]