Practically Married (2025)

[bunniefuu]

And that is

how babies are made.

Dad,

tell me this isn't real life.

Your mom's a doctor.

She knows how these things work.

Dad, don't act so innocent.

It takes two to tango.

You mean our neighbors

Mr. Ted and Ms. Christy

did that?

Oh, gosh.

Aunt Marie and Uncle Tom?

Can you imagine, Luce?

Girls, one day,

you'll understand.

And you won't feel so gross

or yuck about it.

I don't want to get married

and do the nasty stuff. Ew!

Well, you may like nasty

when you're older...

with the right guys, of course.

I'm gonna have babies with Lucy.

We are best friends

and sisters anyways.

Sweetie,

that's not how it works.

You can't have children

with your sister.

That's very, very wrong.

Yeah. Me and Sam

are gonna make our own rules

and have kids without a boy.

Boys have cooties anyways. Duh.

Yeah! Sister parents!

What's better than that?

Let's get married together.

Well, that's not how I planned

this conversation to go.

Do you have anything

to add, dear?

Dear.

Uh, no.

I'm good.

- Hello?

- Hey, Lucy, it's Billy.

I'm running a few minutes late

to the park.

Sorry about that.

I just got here myself.

Sorry. What did you say?

All I can hear

is some gangsta rap music

in the background.

Houston, Texas.

Well, you know,

it's Christmas time.

Some people will be starting

that h*-h*-h* a little early.

Pretty cool

you're letting our first date

be a workout in the park.

I'll go easy on you this round.

We'll see about that.

La, la, la, la, la, la

Deck me out

with Christmas cheer

'Cause Santa's watching

so we gotta

Much better.

Oh, uh...

Hello?

Hi.

Okay, I see you.

Oh. You're here?

No, I don't see you.

Yeah, no, I'm looking for you.

Youza gentleman

but, bae, you so damn hot

Bring on that rated-R sh*t

Steal my heart

like a lawless bandit

Work my body till I can't

withstand it, you can beat it

Like Boom da Boom da Eyyyy,

Boom da Boom da Eyyyy

Gimme fever

till I'm turning red now

Light my fire

right on da bed, wow

If you feelin

whats in my head now

Boom da boom da eyyyy

I like the handlebars

you have up there.

Oh. Thanks.

I think it's

a little cold outside.

Yeah, it would, like --

It would appear so.

I think we had, like,

a weather change or something.

That's okay.

We can warm you up later.

So you want to go run

or something?

If you can keep up.

Hey. I'm here.

Took you long enough. Rob?

Oh, yeah.

Okay. You look a little --

a little different

than your profile picture.

Ah. I lightened the hair

a little bit.

You know, the brunette was a

little harsh for my complexion.

Definitely a different look

for you.

Yeah, uh, you know,

I took that picture

a few months back.

-A few months?

-Yeah.

I might have put on

a little bit of weight,

but, you know, it's easy

for me to take off.

Ready to order?

Thank you so much

for coming to this place.

It's actually my friend's.

They just opened it.

Mm, no problem.

Just not sure what's good

to eat here, though.

No, every-- everything's good.

Yeah. Yeah.

-Like what?

-It's delish. Oh.

for one, it's my favorite. I

mean, I'm kind of a pasta-holic,

but fettuccine alfredo.

-I'll be getting that one.

-Wow.

Do you know how many calories

are in that thing?

It's the lunch portion.

I know. You'd think

it'd be less, but nope.

Mm. I usually

don't count calories

on a date or...a blind date.

Oh, okay. So sorry.

Get whatever fatty thing

you like, then.

No judgment here. You know, if

you want to pack on the weight

like I did, be my guest.

Santa and his Mrs. Claus.

One step closer to Christmas.

h*, h*, h*.

Ah, nice little visual.

Thank you.

But don't you girls

just go to the bathroom

and throw it up

afterwards anyway?

-What?

-You know, bleh!

Bulimia is really

not my -- my thing.

Oh. Alright.

I've dated other fat chicks

beside you.

No judgment here.

Um...

So I guess that's a no

on the artichoke dip?

I'll just stick to lettuce.

Come on, p*ssy.

I tell you what.

I won't call you a d*ck

if you don't call me a p*ssy.

I'm not one of your

f*cking guy friends.

Whatever.

I'll just call you crazy.

So dramatic, just like my ex.

Psychopath.

You want to see psychopath?

-I'll show you psychopath.

-Come on.

Careful! Look out!

Are your kids okay?

Are you okay?

Oh, my God.

This is so embarrassing.

It hurts.

-Are y'all okay?

-Yeah, we're okay.

Yeah, Mom. We're fine.

Didn't feel a thing.

-See? They're fine.

-They're champs.

But is he gonna be okay, though?

I think I need an ambulance.

Hey, are you okay?

What hurts?

Billy, do you want to get up

and, you know, maybe show us?

Can you help me up?

Yeah.

Thank you.

You know, lady,

your kids should have been

paying attention to me.

You were running backwards.

You know what? You're right.

I will make sure that they learn

their lesson next time.

There shouldn't be a next time.

Stupid kids.

Learn about birth control.

How dare you say that to her.

Clearly you hit your head

a little too hard.

I didn't hit my head,

and I was talking to you.

So, are you going to show us

where it hurt or what, crybaby?

Yeah, I can show you.

See? Right there.

Oh, my God.

What is that?

That's awful.

It's -- It's a scratch.

-Oh, wait. I can't see it.

-It hurts.

See what you kids did?

We can't be responsible

for that.

Oh, you mean the tattoo?

-Yeah.

-Isn't it awesome?

That tattoo

is a powerful tattoo.

You don't like it?

I mean, is it permanent

or more like, you know, henna

-gone in a week or two?

-It's permanent.

You have to keep that

on you forever?

Yeah,

that's what permanent means.

You should probably

get that removed.

Yeah.

Maybe a little magic eraser

can fix something.

No, I don't think

anything can fix that.

I can't help it if you kids

don't have good taste in art.

We have good taste,

-but that's just bad.

-Bad.

-Idiots.

-What they said.

Please. You're nothing but

a grown man crybaby

over some little scratch.

This scratch isn't little.

It's big, and it hurts.

Crybaby, crybaby, cry --

Okay, kids. Alright.

Stop making fun

of the sensitive man.

Crybaby, crybaby, cry --

Y'all are just

a bunch of bullies.

So you're not gonna

call the ambulance?

I think you need more than that.

Mm, yeah,

I think we're gonna go now.

Good luck with that.

They just called me a crybaby.

I don't know.

-No!

-Okay.

Let it out.

You ready for dessert?

I would love some dessert.

I'm done. This is --

Mm-hmm. I'm ready.

What'd you have in mind?

Oh, just like cheesecake,

creme brle.

-Oh, yeah.

-Anything with some

just sweetness to it. Just --

Yeah. That'd be great.

That'd be great.

Yeah. Great. I just have to

be at church in the morning,

you know, be there on time.

Oh, no, no, no, of course.

I eat my dessert so fast.

-So delish. So, yeah.

-I bet you do. I bet you do.

Yeah, you'll be fine, 'cause

church is in the morning, and,

yeah, we have all day.

It's lunch.

Yeah, well, you know,

church girl like yourself,

you gotta keep Sunday open

to cleanse the sins.

Mm. Yeah.

Um, not exactly a church girl,

to be honest with you.

I mean, no offense or anything.

I just don't pile on them sins

and stuff like that.

Yeah. I just, you know,

I pray regularly every day.

-Every night.

-I bet you do regularly.

I bet you pray long and hard,

hmm?

-Mm-hmm?

-Yeah, actually I just

pray softly to myself.

Yeah, well, I can fix that.

Can I get you guys

anything else?

-Oh, yes, please.

-No, no.

The dessert menu

would be great.

Check, please.

Okay.

You're gonna love

my bourbon ba*ls.

-No.

-Mm.

Ah.

You know, I just remembered

that my -- my uncle's

cousin's cat,

I have to wash tonight.

-Yeah.

-Ah. You gotta wash that -- Mm.

Yeah. Yeah. Like --

-Yeah.

-You gotta wash the cat.

Just a little scrub.

Ohh, don't do that.

-Just a little one.

-We're still in a restaurant.

-Stop it.

-Yeah.

Okay.

Listen, Rob.

Yeah, I'm not gonna

go back with you

-for dessert.

-Why?

Because I'm kind of

like a church girl

in the sense that I just --

I don't sleep with someone

on the first date,

and that's really

the -- the reason.

That's hilarious. We both know

church girls aren't like that.

Yeah, it's gonna end here, Rob.

Like, completely. So, um --

Listen, we don't have to

have sex, Samantha.

Okay. Yeah.

No, we don't. We don't.

-And we won't. We won't.

-You have very nice feet.

Do I? You know, I'm sure

that you have nice feet

under your socks.

Yeah, I have some foot games

that we can play.

-I bet you do.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Yeah.

-Bypass the full-blown sex.

No, no, Rob.

-Very, very sexy.

-Have a nice life, Rob.

-Please. Please.

-We don't have to use

-the whole foot.

-Never call me again.

Millennial.

Probably gonna go jam out

to some Taylor Swift

in your car.

Did he just talk sh*t

about Tay Tay Swift?

f*cking as*h*le.

Coulda been friends if

you talked nice 'bout Swift

But now I lost my attraction,

ya get my drift?

So if you can't keep

with the best of the best

I'm choosing Tay Tay Swift

over you

Don't forget your f*cking

diapers on the way out! f*ck.

Please don't tell me ya never

listened to her lyrics

Nah nah eyy

nah nah nah nah nah eyy

You, too?

Yeah. Just when I thought

dating couldn't get any worse,

it does.

Worse than the throw up guy

last month?

Eh.

Even keel,

maybe about the same.

What is on your shirt?

Yeah. Mm.

Oh, yeah.

It's a new fragrance I'm trying.

It's called man snot and tears.

Oh.

Yeah, well, uh,

I was legit catfished.

I had a Santa look-alike

that wanted to f*ck

my toes all night.

I had to deal with a boy

with mommy issues.

Well, my date threw Jesus

into the mix.

I don't think I'll ever

look at clowns the same.

Looks like I'm gonna get my,

um, new Google number.

Yeah, I gotta change mine, too.

I mean, it's probably

like my fifth one this year.

Does Google flag us for that?

Honestly,

I just don't even know.

So...

What are we gonna do tonight?

Youza trouble maker,

youza trouble trouble maker

Youza trouble maker

Who sings this?

-Maker, youza trouble maker

-I think her name's

like Sara or something.

-Can't deal with it Really?

-Alavi maybe?

-Really?

-Is it Alavi?

I don't know. I think I heard it

on the radio one time.

Um, can't handle your liquor?

We're in our pajamas at 9:00.

We had a long day.

We were in our pajamas

twice last week

at 7:30 and once at 6:00, so...

Maybe it happens more often.

I think we just

need to get laid.

It's been years.

I rather wear a chastity belt

than have any of those guys

near my holy grail.

I'd rather eat my vomit

and lick the toilet

than have any of those guys

the past five years.

Damn my situation.

Mm.

You know,

some guys are into that.

Know what, sis?

I know we're tired, but...

I just want to tell you.

If I have to go through

all this dating B.S.,

I'm glad it's with you.

Aww!

That's so sis-mantic.

Love you.

I just hope

our eggs don't get old.

No.

No, no, no, no, no. No,

that's, like, completely a myth.

You know that? Yeah.

Because, I mean, Janet Jackson

popped one out at 50.

And I saw, like, last week,

this lady from Uganda,

like, popped two out,

twins at 70.

-Yeah.

-And Naomi Campbell also.

Yeah. Could be the genetics.

Maybe we should get

a hot black guy.

If I had it my way, I would just

do exactly

what we told Mom and Dad

we would do when we were little,

you know?

I mean, that whole thing

about us two sisters

living together our whole lives,

best friends.

We're practically married

anyways.

We can raise babies

together, too. Hmm.

Yeah, that would be

a funny one for society.

I don't see

what the problem is.

I mean, our lesi friends do it.

We can do it.

If we do it,

you're the one getting pregnant.

I mean, I'm the older sister

here, and I can't,

you know,

have all that body fluid,

and my hormones are just --

the Hashimoto's thing.

Yeah, I, you know, I just say

we just like, like, adopt,

like five or something

like that, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My eyes are getting heavy.

Okay.

We have to continue

the conversation tomorrow.

Okay. Yeah, I agree.

You know, and the truth is,

we should probably sleep on it,

'cause we had a little

too much to drink tonight.

-Sam!

-Huh? What?

-Red soap!

-What? Oh, oh, oh, oh.

I need it today.

Today would be nice.

-Okay.

-Soon would be great.

-Good catch.

-Thank you.

Um, yep!

I can't believe we're late.

I mean, I only, like, snoozed

the alarm like once or twice.

Yeah. Like, honestly, like,

who does lunch at fricking 1:30?

-That is way too early.

-Way too early.

-Way too early.

-I don't like my lips.

Do Kaleb's like coloring book.

Make myself look awake.

Mm, mm.

A little lip.

-Done. Done.

-Boom.

Well, they look exhausted.

Probably had

a long night partying.

Yeah. I hope it's something

entertaining.

-Me, too.

-I miss the good story days

-before parenthood.

-Me, too.

But I wouldn't trade anything

for this, baby.

Aww.

Oh, my God. We're almost there.

So, crazy night last night?

Look a little beat.

Yeah.

We stayed up all night

partying...

with each other.

Oh, lame.

You guys are worse than us.

Pssh, honey, we're not that bad.

-Can I have dessert yet?

-We're not that bad.

No, honey, honey, please

don't say the word dessert,

because, like, your auntie

just has a little trigger word.

Nothing sweet

until you finish your lunch.

Ugh!

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

But you know what?

The good thing is, is that

we have a solution to --

Yeah. Yep. There's a solution.

It's really like, you know,

it's an all encompassing

plan and solution

to this whole dating

B.S. fiasco stuff.

Oh, my gosh. You said B.S.

Oh, honey, no.

I just said the abbreviation.

It doesn't even count

when it's abbreviated.

Don't listen to your aunties.

So what's the solution?

We decided we don't need men.

Like, we have each other,

you know?

Yeah. Yeah, we do.

-What does that mean?

-No, no, no. I mean, what she --

What she's saying is, is pretty,

pretty direct, I would say.

You know, Luce and I would like

to have

-offspring together.

-Offspring.

What the -- WTF?

Yeah, babies.

What the hell?

-What the --

-Watch your mouth!

-Good example y'all are.

-Yeah, definitely.

Well, you know

it's not the aunties.

-Definitely not us.

-We are quite compatible.

We're already compatible.

We're tested. We live together.

It's basically a fail safe plan.

Mm-hmm. And honestly --

I know her faults.

She knows mine.

Oh, we know all of each

other's faults and --

-We got it.

-Ooh. Yeah.

But, I mean, honestly, we just,

we're tired of

this whole dating thing.

I mean, we're just gonna

cut our losses.

We don't need men to procreate.

You know, it's -- it's --

it's a feminist move, bro.

-It's a feminist --

-You're serious?

I -- Yep. I'm --

I'm almost crying.

-Excuse me.

-My sisters are pranksters.

They got it from big bro.

-We would make great parents.

-Great parents.

We got this under control.

Totally.

I mean, we're like two peas

in a pod.

Oh, okay.

I never said you wouldn't

make great parents.

I just, I think you might miss

the Harold and Felicia

style dynamics.

I think you need an actual

family unit to raise kids.

For one, um, they have --

they have

that Harold and Felicia

style dynamic.

You know what I'm saying?

Chitty chitty, bang bang?

-Oh!

-Oh, yeah.

No, like, we haven't discussed

all the logistics of it.

We're still figuring out

some minor details,

but, I mean, I can get

myself there pretty fast.

And the hand can take you

to the promised land.

You know, I just have

to agree with Luce on that one.

I just hit the spot.

Eve knew what she was doing.

-Disgusting. TMI.

-It's great.

Okay, guys,

enough with that awkward talk.

Honey, will you help me

in the kitchen?

But I'm not done with my --

You know what?

On second thought,

-I'm losing my appetite.

-Yeah.

-Mm-hmm.

-Coming, love.

Probably 'cause your wife

doesn't flavor the food.

Can we get some more

salt and pepper?

I mean, what did we get

for lunch? Lettuce?

-Seriously?

-What's for dessert?

Ice cream.

-What kind?

-Oh, I need some.

-So, I have an idea.

-What about?

You know that two week long

vacation I've been craving?

-Yeah.

-Well, I bet we could get

a couple of babysitters

to watch the boys while

we take a little much needed

honeymoon trip on that cruise.

You could go two weeks

without the boys?

You're right.

I would miss them too much.

I like it.

Wait. Really?

Yeah. We convince the girls

they need some practice before

committing to a lifelong choice.

Exactly. They have no idea what

they're getting into this quick.

This will let reality sink in,

and they can reconsider

this new age plan of theirs.

You're so smart.

That's why I married you.

Among other things.

Let's do it.

Let's teach them a lesson.

And then, meanwhile,

a second honeymoon

right before Christmas

would be perfect.

Mm.

You're so bad.

So then Elizabeth asked me

to read her one

of those wretched

bedtime stories.

And so I started reading what

I thought was a book for kids.

And then I realize there's all

these hidden adult innuendos.

She starts asking me

all these questions,

and I just felt awkward

the entire time.

We really need new books

for kids, you know?

So, everyone,

I want to announce I've decided

to write one with all the free

time I have, of course.

And it will be sweet

and innocent,

and it won't have any of that

hidden meaning crap, you know?

It's ridiculous.

how many hidden meanings

are in books and animations

these days.

-Right, honey?

-Yes, baby.

Whatever you say, I agree.

Y'all doing okay over here?

I'm seriously so psyched

that the two of you

decided to adopt.

Don't let anyone

tell you otherwise,

but the world needs

more parents like you.

You two are gonna be perfect.

Did someone say we wouldn't?

- No.

- No one said that.

That's not what I meant.

No, I just meant

if anyone were

to suggest otherwise,

I would sh**t that crap

down so fast.

Plus, they'd never

get a table here.

You two are perfect

for parenting.

You know,

we're actually gonna

be watching the nephews

for a couple of weeks.

Yeah, apparently,

like Dave and Allison,

they want a little break,

a little getaway.

So we're stepping right in.

Yep. And we get

the entire house to ourselves.

So it'll be nice and comfy

and, you know,

master bedroom

and all that jazz.

So it's gonna be fun.

Well, yeah,

that should be interesting.

Mm. Definitely interesting.

Excuse me. Gotta go to

the little girls' room.

Boss mama's had too much sauce.

Don't do it.

-Huh?

-What? What --

Look, I didn't want to say

anything while she was around,

but I'm a stay at home parent

in this situation.

And unless you want to both be

stay at home parents together,

don't do it.

But I thought you loved

staying home with Lizzy.

Oh, I do. Don't get me wrong.

She's the best thing that's

ever happened to me in my life.

But being a stay at home parent

is a full time job

that doesn't pay.

And it's a lot harder

than those regular 9 to 5 jobs,

too. Let me tell you.

Mm, he does have a point, girls.

Listen closely. Right, Harold?

Yes, baby. You're always right.

Uh...

Okay. But it's, like,

worth it, right?

-Like, I mean, like, you know --

-I want to take a power nap

I don't get to take every five

minutes from pure exhaustion

and being tired

and -- and lack of nutrients,

and I get makeup

and slapped on my face

and my nails painted, and I have

to scrub this off in the shower

until my face is raw

and peeling.

And speaking of shower,

I only get to take like

maybe one a week. And sex life?

Forget about that for months,

even a year, or longer

in my case.

And, uh, well, it's --

Yeah, it's worth it.

It's a lot of hard work,

but, yeah, it's worth it.

I mean, have you communicated

your feelings

to anyone?

Yeah. Keep smiling and waving,

boys. You know.

-Bye.

-Bye.

Bye, Mom and Dad,

-Bye!

-Bye!

Take that, you filthy animal!

You're going down!

I'm out of b*ll*ts!

I'm out of b*ll*ts!

Those look yummy.

Why don't we go to

the park tomorrow?

Yeah, let's go to the park.

Or we could go to the playground

-or the zoo.

-Playground.

No. Zoo.

Playground!

Zoo!

Playground.

Zoo!

Paper. Scissors. Rock. sh**t.

Mm. You always win.

I'm gonna go to the zoo,

because I don't

feel like running.

Kind of over that.

h*, h*, h*!

No!

We say

fa, la, la, la, la, la

Deck me out

with Christmas cheer

-Great.

-'Cause Santa's watching

So we gotta make sure

we've been good this year

Just lovely. Lovely.

Oh! No!

Hey. What are you doing?

You're going to town

with your nose.

Take your finger out of --

You, too.

What is this? No.

Your friend is eating boogers.

Hey, hey, hey,

are you yelling at my kid?

No, I'm not -- Your kid?

No, I'm not yelling

at your kid.

I'm yelling at my kid,

-and your kid happens --

-Uh, that's not your kid.

That's Dave's kid. Who are you?

Who are you? How do you know?

No. How do you know Dave?

Well, I'm --

I'm just gonna call Dave.

No, you need to call Dave?

-Just -- It's okay.

-No. I got this.

I got this taken care of.

Come on. No, no. Come on.

We're like junior high? Please.

Like, I know that it was

probably your influence.

No offense, little one.

It's not my kid's influence.

-It's your kid.

-No, no, he doesn't --

He doesn't pick his nose

at the house.

-He doesn't ever pick his nose.

-Alright, guys,

come on down here.

Let's settle this, please.

-Gooey and --

-Hustle.

Disgusting.

Okay.

This is so immature.

-Is it?

-Yep. It's very immature.

Um, be honest.

Who picked their nose first?

Me, me, me!

And I ate them, too.

And you ate them, too?

No, no, no. Come here.

Tell the truth. No, no.

Tell the truth.

Clearly he's deciding

in front of his friend.

Come on. Talk to me. Just us.

-I know he did it.

-No, it was me.

You're going to time out

when you get home.

Oh, time out!

I'm so scared!

Alright, guys,

go ahead and play.

-You should be scared.

-Thank you for the honesty.

Yeah, they don't care.

By the way,

I do know your brother Dave.

The kids play a lot together.

So why are you watching Kaleb?

Uh, Dave and Allison

busy or something?

-Tag. Hey!

-They, like, just went on

a little trip

and put me in charge,

-of course.

-Trip? Where did they go?

I'm not gonna -- You know what?

You're a stranger,

and I'm not gonna tell you.

You know, I'm

a great influence with the kids,

and they shouldn't

talk to strangers.

I'm not gonna talk to you.

Sassy. I was just

asking a question.

You're sassy.

Please.

So, I mean, like, why are you

at a playground by yourself?

I mean, where's -- where's

your better half?

Oh, uh, divorced. Single dad.

I have no idea why

I just showed you my hand.

I'm Ben, by the way.

Okay. Cool.

Um, listen, Sassy, my kid Ryan

is having a birthday themed

Christmas party

at our house next week.

I would call Dave and Allison

to invite the boys,

but I figured I'd just tell

the auntie in charge.

Auntie in charge?

Yeah, auntie in charge.

Either way, I'm in charge.

You know, you know,

we're just gonna have to check

our very, very,

very, very busy, busy schedule.

-Sure, sure.

-Yeah.

Hey. Hey, Ryan? Why don't you

tell, um, Miss, um...

Sorry, I didn't --

-Sam. Samantha.

-Sam. Samantha.

-Yeah.

-Tell Miss Samantha

-how old you're turning.

-I'm turning 7!

That's awesome.

Are you having a party?

Oh, can you come?

Can I come? Can I come? Please?

Can you come, please, please?

You're gonna ask

in front of him? Oh, okay.

-Yeah, you can come.

-Thank you. I love you, Auntie.

I know you love me. Yeah, yeah.

Mm-hmm. You better.

Alright. Well, uh,

the best Christmas themed outfit

wins a prize at the party.

So, uh, make sure

you bring your "A" game.

Hey, pal,

let's go get those decorations.

Okay? Come on.

-Alright.

-We'll see you guys next week.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Nice to meet you.

- Bye!

- Really?

What? He's my friend.

He's your friend

that eats boogers.

Oh, do you see the sheep?

It's a goat.

It's a goat? I can't even

tell the difference.

What's your favorite animal

at the zoo today?

- The goat.

- The goat?

And the pig.

Then we're coming up

on some pigs right now.

I love pigs.

Yeah, I was thinking maybe

we could walk a little faster,

Why?

Well, because it smells

like one of the pigs

maybe just took a big poo poo.

Do they poop in the potty?

No. Unfortunately, I think

they roll all up in it.

Oh, look,

there's the donkey right here.

You wanna pet the donkey?

Uh, ma'am?

I'm sorry,

are you speaking to me?

Yeah, uh, I think your kid

got mud on himself.

Let me see.

He said you have mud.

-Let me see.

-Oh, not on his shoes.

No, I think on his pants.

He must have sat in mud.

Just trying to help you out

so you don't get

your vehicle all dirty.

Oh, my God. Noah sat in --

It's all over.

Sweetie, when'd you sit in mud?

I didn't.

Oh, honey.

Oh, it's all up in my nails.

Oh.

I hate to ask,

but can I see your water bottle?

Oh. Yeah.

Sorry. I owe you one.

Let me see. Sorry, sweetie.

It's gonna be cold.

Ooh! Thank you.

Nephews get into stuff

all the time. I understand.

-What's happening? Hi.

-Hey.

This nice gentleman,

he showed me. Look.

-Noah sat in mud.

-Oh. Oh, Noah.

Baby, you know

not to sit in mud.

Oh, that's -- that's hefty.

That's it. Yeah.

Ooh. All in your nails.

-Wow.

-All under there.

Ooh. Yeah.

Oh, honey.

Honey, when did you do it,

sweetie? I didn't see you.

I didn't.

-You're speaking so softly.

-I didn't.

You didn't?

-Cutie, why are you laughing?

-Why are you laughing?

He said he didn't.

What? I don't get --

-Oh.

-I sharted.

-Oh.

-Oh.

Don't touch anything.

Don't touch anything.

I'm just gonna --

-I'm gonna vomit.

-Don't throw up, Don't throw up.

I'll throw up.

Do you have any hand sanitizer?

I got some.

I got some in my car.

You want me to go faster?

I'll go faster.

-You have --

-Jeff, by the way.

Hand sanitizer.

Oh, God. It's in my --

Check out my new shoes.

Yeah. No --

Oh, yeah. Your shoes are great.

Flashy but comfortable,

you know?

Is there something wrong

with my hair?

Do I have

some lipstick on my teeth?

So whose party is this?

Okay. See that boy over there

with Kaleb?

-Little Ryan.

-Oh, he's a cutie.

-He's adorable.

-I know. So cute.

So, but, like, which --

who's his parents?

Oh, no, no, no. It's the --

It's the guy that I told you

I met at the playground.

Didn't I tell you I met --

I met a guy at the playground?

-Yeah.

-Mm, I don't --

I have to -- I have to go

take a tinkle, so, okay.

Okay. Sounds good.

I really do have to go.

Hello, hello.

Nice finding you here.

It's Jeff, right?

So, what are you doing

at a kid's Christmas party?

You have kids?

No. Not yet at least.

I'm actually here

with my nephew.

Oh. Me, too.

Um, actually,

you met them already

at the zoo the other day.

-Oh.

-Those were my nephews.

I didn't, um,

I didn't mean to leave

without a proper thank you,

but thank you

for the water bottle.

Didn't mean to leave you parched

and thirsty,

but I appreciate it.

Well, I'm just pretending

to talk to you

because I'm watching them

like a hawk.

You know?

They need supervision,

but this way, if they

don't know I'm looking at them,

I can see

what they're really up to.

-Pretending to talk to me?

-Mm, yeah.

I'm not sure whether I should

feel offended by that statement

or proud of your

parenting skills.

Oh, well.

I like your costume,

by the way.

Why, thank you.

Mrs. Claus gave it to me.

She said Santa Claus

already had enough children

to buy gifts for.

She didn't need an excuse

for one more.

Yeah, as they say,

the gift that keeps on giving.

-Right?

-Where's your costume?

I guess I didn't get

the costume memo.

Yeah, unfortunately.

Should really talk to

your nephew about that one.

Or maybe if I can get

your number or something,

and you can tell me

about the next costume party.

Or if you're free

one of these nights for dinner.

Are you gonna pull out

your phone or --

Oh. Yeah.

The number doesn't

write itself.

Um, I seem to have left

my phone in my car.

Well, I mean, there are

always New Year's parties, so.

-Uh --

-Maybe next year.

Uh, one second.

I'll be right back.

Okay.

Where's, uh --

Where's your costume?

It is a costume party

for the kids.

-For the kids.

-Not the adults. Yeah.

Plus, the majority

of the dads here are already

rocking dad bods,

so we're looking like Santa.

This is, uh --

-Little sparkle, sparkle?

-Yeah, sparkle, sparkle.

Yeah, I tried, you know?

Yeah, I think we got

best costume,

I'm gonna tell you that, but --

Oh, jury's out, but --

Um, where have you been

this entire party?

Well, I'm kind of letting Ryan's

grandparents run the show.

- Yeah?

- They're apparently

way cooler than me.

He tells me that all the time.

-Does he?

-Yeah. Look at them go.

Yeah. I mean, they are

way, way cooler than you.

Well, that's only because you

haven't seen my dance moves yet.

I gotta go pick up a secret

surprise present for him.

-I'm really excited.

-For -- On your --

On your kid's birthday,

you're gonna leave, Jeff?

Yeah. What's wrong with that?

Are you gonna miss my company?

Oh, please. Oh, please.

You wish.

-Come on.

-I do kind of wish.

Actually, you know what?

I'm gonna leave you with this.

Just in case.

What is this?

It's in case you miss me

before I'm back.

-Okay, so --

-Bye.

-Bye.

-You like that?

-I call it the tiger.

-It's the tiger?

-Yeah?

-Yep, eye of the tiger.

I think my dad likes you.

Yeah? Why do you say that?

He's acting weird.

Yeah, he's a little

weird, you know that?

He thinks I don't know

he got me a big Corvette

for my birthday.

I'm gonna pretend

to act surprised.

Yeah, you should

probably act surprised.

You know that? Because

moms are better at hiding

secrets than dads, you know?

Are you a mom?

Uh, not yet.

You're amazing. You know that?

-You're pretty.

-You're beautiful.

So how about we, um,

we go to the dance floor?

You can show me some

of your dance moves.

You mean...

Yeah. I mean those ones.

How about that?

Did y'all have fun tonight?

-Yes.

-Yes.

Okay, let's keep it down,

monkey boys.

Can you read us a bedtime story?

Yeah.

Only if you close your eyes.

-That's the condition.

-Okay.

Okay. Close your eyes.

Keep 'em closed.

You have to keep them closed

and tired.

No peeking.

Okay. Are you ready?

"Kaleb and Noah

make your aunties go whoa-ah.

Y'all so cute,

even when you toot.

"Even when you shart,

you got that big heart."

"Now go to bed,

you little sleepy heads.

Close your eyes

'cause the eyes don't lie."

Okay, go to bed, sweetie.

Go to bed, sweetie.

-Hey, sis.

-Oh.

-Tired?

-Mm-hmm.

I bet.

The kitchen's all clean.

Finally.

It's nice.

I mean, is it me,

or is it so cool

that kids get to party

like rock stars every weekend?

I mean, where do they come up

with the energy?

I'm wiped.

I mean, silver lining,

we get to party

every single weekend.

It's kind of cool, right?

Mm-hmm.

It's fantastic.

I'm gonna go to sleep.

Okay.

-I love you.

-Good night.

-Sweet dreams.

-Sweet dreams. I love you, sis.

Love you, sis.

-Oh, my God.

-Oh.

Really? Okay.

Oh. Oh.

No.

8:00 a.m.?

Oh, goodness. Okay.

Seriously, huh?

Seriously? Huh?

Your breath stinks.

Yeah, well, that's what you get

for waking me up

at 8:00 in the morning.

Alright.

Come on, Lucy.

Okay. I'm there.

I'm gonna get you for that.

I'll probably do ceral or

something simple for breakfast.

No, pancakes.

-Yeah! Pancakes!

-We don't want

-chocolate chip pancakes.

-Thank God.

Oh, my God.

See, this is called compromise.

We met in the middle.

This is great.

-Cereal it is. Cereal --

-No, we don't want

chocolate chip pancakes.

We want confetti pancakes

with sprinkles.

Why don't we save

the sprinkle pancakes

for your birthday?

No, I want them now!

Yeah, now!

I want birthday cake

for my birthday.

-What's wrong?

-I'm sad

that Mom and Dad won't be here

for my birthday.

Aw, cutie, we're here.

We're gonna still watch you.

But I want Mommy and Daddy

for my birthday.

Yeah. Two birthday

parties are so much better.

-You're crying, too, now?

-Honey, we would all love

two birthday parties,

but unfortunately,

you're only born

one day of the year.

Well, yeah, we all --

But I think Christmas

and my birthday's back to back,

I feel like I get less presents.

I mean, that's true

because you usually just divided

the holidays, birthdays.

That's pretty tough.

Yeah, it's December.

It's like you wonder

how that works.

That's what I would do

if I was their parents.

Alright. Maybe we'll do

like a little something.

Yay!

Oh! Okay. Okay.

Little something at the park.

Um, Auntie Lucy is gonna

prepare the -- the party list,

-right?

-Yay!

Aww. Go. Go hug Lucy.

She's gonna do the work.

-Only for I get kisses.

-That's great. That's great.

That's good.

And you make the pancakes.

-Yeah.

-Thank you, babe.

Looking out for your Luce.

Really?

Okay, little rascals. Ooh!

-Ooh! Pancakes are here.

-Pancake time.

-Mr. Kaleb.

-No, I'm gonna eat those. Mmm.

And Mr. Noah.

Oh. Sam. We have the --

We have the thing tonight.

-Uh, no.

-The grand opening.

Alex and Mark's grand opening.

No, that was like literally --

We just literally --

We just had our brunch

the other day.

Yeah. Like our friend brunch,

a little --

And that was, like,

a soft, intimate, like --

Why do you need two?

You don't need two

-grand openings.

-This is what we're about to do.

You know, obviously,

they took a hint from Kaleb.

He wants two birthdays.

They want two grand openings.

Okay. Are you gonna go,

or what do you want to do?

-Two things myself.

-Come on.

Come on.

You really want to do this?

No, I really want to do this.

Yeah. Yeah.

Ready?

Paper. Scissors. Rock. sh**t.

Paper. Scissors. Rock. sh**t.

Paper. Scissors. Rock. sh**t.

Messed up.

You -- I feel like you cheat

every time.

You, like, always win.

Whatever.

Auntie Lulu getting out tonight!

-Mmm.

-Lovely.

Load up on that sugar, sunshine.

Eat those sprinkles.

Maybe I'll just eat the last --

last pancake.

Just, just --

-What's going on, sunshine?

-What are you doing?

I'm trying to pick a dress.

You want to help me?

Yes.

Option one.

-Red.

-Red.

Didn't even show you the second.

Option two.

Red.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

Why do you like

the red so much?

-'Cause it's short.

-Yeah.

And that's exactly

why I think I'm going to

be going for the black one,

sweetie.

Right?

-Red.

-Red.

What are you all

gonna be doing tonight?

Squirting her with my Nerf g*n.

-Yeah.

-With your Nerf g*n?

And throwing water balloons

like we did yesterday.

And throwing water balloons and

seeing how she feels about them?

They're cold.

I mean, I won't be here,

-so you have my permission.

-Just so you know,

if your window's open

when you come home,

I'm probably gonna

throw a water balloon in it.

Oh, so I need to close

my window tonight.

-No.

-No, gonna throw it at your car.

You're gonna throw it

at my car?

What my car do to you?

What did my car do to you?

At my car? Okay.

My car needs a car wash

anyway. I'll let you throw it

at my car.

No. With dirty water.

-With dirty water?

-No.

Like I was getting

a free service.

-No, mud.

-Get dirt. Put water on it.

-Mm-hmm.

-Then we will throw it at you.

Then you'll throw it at me?

But the good thing is it's dark

so you'll probably miss.

We can use the flashlight.

Wow.

Have a seat.

Mm. I see you already

ordered us drinks.

Yeah,

I got a couple cabs for us.

I wasn't sure what you wanted.

Good choice.

Wow.

You look absolutely gorgeous.

You trying to make me blush

or something?

Maybe a little.

Is it working?

I guess we'll see.

Glad I was able

to steal you away tonight.

I was wondering when

I'd be able to take you out.

Well, you know, it was a lucky

game of rock, paper, scissors.

Well, you hadn't returned

my phone call,

so I was beginning to wonder.

Mm.

I mean, they do say

the only difference

between a persistent man

and a stalker

is whether or not

you're interested.

But you did call me back,

and we're here now,

so perhaps you're

a interested.

Perhaps.

You might be cute

and working your smarts

and charms on me, but,

we're just hanging out

as friends tonight.

Oh, yeah. Friends.

I'm good with friends.

Friends confide in each other.

Help each other.

Totally innocent.

-There she is.

-Hey, there.

-Hi.

-Come on in.

Ryan!

-Yeah.

-Hi, boys.

Thought the two of --

three of them could --

Ryan, come check out

our room.

Ahem. And don't trip.

Yeah. Be careful.

I don't think we're gonna

see them again

-the rest of the night.

-No.

We're not.

We're not gonna see them at all.

Is that lasagna I smell?

Yeah, that is lasagna.

It's gonna be the best lasagna

you ever had in your life.

Bye, boys.

Don't forget lasagna --

Okay, well, they don't --

No, they don't. They're back.

Well, thanks for the support

tonight, y'all.

Appreciate you coming. And

give our love to Sam, won't you?

-I will.

-Okay, great. Have fun.

Oh.

Kaleb has a birthday party.

It's gonna be this Saturday.

You're coming.

I'll buzz you the details.

I should probably take

the little guy to the car soon.

They're out.

They're out cold.

Yeah.

I had fun tonight.

I did, too.

-Yeah.

-That lasagna was, um --

It was interesting.

It was my first time

making it.

-It was --

-Hopefully your last.

It looked, um --

The layers were, like --

-Mushy.

-Shifting.

-Yeah --

-Like --

I'm just saying, I'm not trying

to make fun of you. I'm sorry.

I'm just saying

that maybe you should

let a real man

cook for you sometime.

Okay, okay. Well,

I'll let you know

when I find a real man.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

-Oh.

-Let it burn.

Let it burn.

I deserve that. It's okay.

Yeah.

Can I ask you a dumb question?

You don't have to answer.

-Do it.

-Okay.

Okay.

Why don't you --

Why don't you have

a real man in your life?

Let's just say that...

real men are hard to find.

Really hard.

Well, maybe you're looking

in the wrong place.

Maybe.

Yeah.

Yeah. Um...

Um, what about you?

Why is there not a woman

in your life

Divorced, remember?

You don't have to talk about it.

No. It's okay.

We, uh --

I don't know, I --

I don't really think

she was the one.

We --

We got married really young

because she got pregnant,

and I don't think we were ready.

Yeah. It's okay. I'm sorry.

It's okay.

You know what?

I finally got to go to college.

I studied really hard.

I raised that little guy.

It was so hard.

And I don't mean that

in a bad way.

I don't mean it like --

It was worth it.

-Yeah.

-But it was hard.

Sorry.

No, don't be sorry.

Anyway, um...

That little kid's the best thing

that ever happened to me,

so I wouldn't change it

for anything.

You're an amazing father.

I think you're amazing.

I do.

Do you -- Do you think

you might want kids?

Sorry. You don't have to --

-No.

-It's a big question.

No, it's --

It's the best question.

Yeah.

I do.

How many?

Like baseball fields.

-Oh, wow.

-Yeah,

like a huge baseball field.

You know, I always thought --

I always thought that

Ryan needed a sibling

or seven or eight.

-Those are good numbers.

-You think so?

Yeah, seven and eight.

Yeah, I like those numbers.

That's a lot.

I'm sure the right girl's

gonna knock it out.

Yeah. Thank you.

Tonight was nice.

I enjoyed it.

Yeah.

I'd like to see you again.

I'd like that.

I'm trying my best

not to kiss you right now.

Since we're friends after all.

Friends don't kiss.

Yeah.

And it being

our first date and all.

Yeah. I mean,

we really shouldn't count

the zoo and the Christmas party.

Screw it.

I guess third time's

the charm.

Good night, gorgeous.

Good night, Jeff.

-Out cold.

-Oh, he's out.

We probably don't even

have to whisper.

-Really?

-Yeah, 'cause he's gonna be out

the rest of the night.

-Thank you again.

-Of course.

-I appreciate it.

-Anytime you want lasagna.

Okay. I mean --

Thank you.

-Night.

-Night.

Say you wanna build

a home with me

Wanna give me

all your babies

My head spins

when you talk to me

Make this girl go crazy

Got me weak,

got me weak in my knees

Burning hunger

I gotta release

Got me beggin,

beggin pretty please

Got me hooked on ya,

Lovestruck Greek Boy

Give me a feeling,

got me hypnotized

One look, it's like dynamite

Day dreaming,

going out of my mind

Got me hooked on ya,

Lovestruck Greek Boy

Sam?

I'm just so sleepy right now.

-Yeah.

-Did you have fun?

Yeah. I had fun. Yeah.

-Mm-hmm.

-Okay, I'm going to sleep.

I'm so tired.

Night.

Good night.

h*, h*, h*! Merry Christmas!

h*, h*, h*! Merry Christmas!

Okay, so listen up, Ali.

I'm about to go do

a little gig I landed,

so you go have fun

with the cousins,

and then I'll be back later.

Okay, Uncle Kvon.

Fist bump? Foot bump?

Alright, have fun.

Ali! Hey, baby!

Kind of looks familiar.

That's that comedian guy

my husband watches

on TV all the time.

You know who he looks like?

Guy dressing up as Santa Claus.

Oh, my God!

You're that guy from TV.

-I just saw you on Netflix.

-Uh --

The comedian guy,

like K-Pop or something, right?

Oh, my God. Felicia,

he's not Korean.

Kevin. Palestinian.

I love my Palestinians.

He's definitely Pak--

P-Pakistan or something.

Oh, no, ladies.

No, no, no. He's Peruvian.

What? You both have

preggo brain. Are you serious?

No. You're the spitting image

of that guy, I swear.

Okay, I don't know

who you're talking about,

-but he sounds really funny.

-Spitting image.

Hold on, wait, wait.

No, no, wait, wait.

Take a picture!

Wait! Sign my...balloons?

That is him.

-See, I told you.

-You blew it.

-No, you blew it.

-It's obviously half Persian.

Nobody ever gets that right.

Now I got to go play Santa

because comedy

doesn't pay the bills.

P-A-R-I-S-A-N!

That's how you spell

Palestinian! Whoo!

Go blue.

What?

-Who's it?

-I am.

Who's it?!

Who's that guy

approaching the playground?

-What guy?

-That's creepy.

He looks way too overdressed

for the playground.

-Uh-huh.

-Weirdo.

Doesn't he know

this is a kid's birthday party?

-Hello?

-That's what I'm saying.

Is he waving to a child?

Who does he think

he is? That is --

Very creepy. I'm gonna go

talk to him right now.

Put my foot down.

-Mama style!

-Damn straight.

She looks like she had

a little too much fun.

Get him, girl.

-No. She's going.

-Go, Sam. Yeah.

-She's going.

-What a boss babe.

-She's tough.

-I taught her well.

Couldn't have done

that better myself.

Taught her well?

I think this parental training

is paying off.

- Hi, Sam.

- What are you doing here, Ben?

-What am I doing here?

-What are you doing here?

-What's wrong? Are you --

-What's wrong?

You can't be

at this birthday party.

You have, like,

stuff on your face.

-Do you want me to get --

-You have stuff on your face!

-And your eyes look great.

-Oh, thanks.

Yeah, yeah.

No, you need to go.

Did anyone bring the wine?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's in

the grape juice box below.

Let's find -- Clever mama.

Saucy minx.

There are adults supervising

on the playground.

Why can't I be here?

Those are women and mothers

-and -- and the children.

-And a father of my kid

who's invited

to your nephew's party.

It's creepy.

You're like a grown a*s man.

And you look good,

and you smell good,

and you're gonna make

all the kids uncomfortable.

Make kids uncomfortable,

or make you uncomfortable?

M-Maybe a little bit of both.

Me, a little bit.

Just a little bit.

-Just a little bit.

-You trying to hide me?

-You're hiding me.

-No, I'm not trying to hide you.

I just, you know, I don't

want everyone to know

about situationship,

this little us scenario.

Oh, so we're an us now?

Do you like me?

You know, it's plausible.

Okay. Let's go. Come on.

You need to go.

-Bye.

-Let's go.

Okay. We need to get the party

on the road. Like, literally.

-Cakes. No, no. Cake. Candles.

-Already?

Kaleb!

Alright.

I'm ready to switch to sweet.

I'm over this.

Oh, you already did?

I have an excuse.

Thanks for helping me clean up.

-Totally, babe.

-Not eat cake, but --

Happy to help. Just glad to hear

the two of you

aren't having second thoughts.

It's a big commitment,

two sisters dedicating

their entire lives

to raising kids together.

Sounds like you two

have it all figured out though.

Yeah, we do.

I mean, what could go wrong

with sisters?

Nothing could. Nothing at all.

-Yeah.

-Especially if you decide

not to go through

with any of this.

Honey, it's just

me and you right now.

Come on.

You've got something to confess.

You're acting kind of weird.

We haven't done confession

in like years.

-"Confession."

-For starters, I'm a Jew.

I don't do confession ever.

Yeah, I know.

Please, just do me a favor.

Take a beat.

Reconsider the fact

that you and your sister

love each other and that you're

always going to be best friends,

regardless if you decide

to adopt and co-parent together.

Yeah, I mean, duh.

-Right?

-Things change, honey.

Take me and Mark, for instance.

We're doing awesome now.

We had a lovely little chat,

and now we're rotating

around the house.

I've hired a nanny, and now he

can help me run the restaurant.

Plus, we're doing it

like once a week.

Oh, sh*t. Okay, maybe --

Maybe it is working,

if that's the case.

The point is,

things change, babe.

Love doesn't, regardless if

the circumstances are shifting.

Yeah, I should probably

talk to her, you know, like --

I don't want to hold

a secret from her.

And I know she would never,

never hold a secret

from me, so...

Yeah, sisters never keep

secrets. People don't do that.

Heavens to Betsy.

But seriously,

you might get upset.

She might get upset.

You hash it out,

and then you move on.

You know I'm not one

to get sappy,

mnh-mnh, but really,

what I witness in all my

friendship with the both of you

is true unconditional love.

It's very rare.

Piece of hair in our cake.

Should I still take it home?

Oh, God.

Is that some of my extensions?

It might be, it might be,

but it still looks delicious.

I'm gonna --

I'm still gonna do it.

-Listen.

-Okay.

I saw you, Miss Smitten Kitten,

with that guy over there.

-Oh, my God.

-You're fooling no one.

He was like a --

He was like a nobody.

Whatever, saucy minx.

-Nothing gets by me.

-Oh, my God, Alex.

Who do you think

you're talking to?

You might be right.

You might be right.

Listen, can we finish this

conversation over a c*ck?

-Mommy needs a margarita.

-Yeah. Yes, please.

Please. Can you just

fold that, maybe?

Just -- Just please, just --

Or just wad it up.

That'd be great.

Did you miss me? If you didn't--

Are you trying

to get away from my hugging?

Birthday boy! I'm gonna get you.

Did my birthday boy have fun?

Did you have fun?

Did you have fun?

-Yes.

-Yes? You've grown so tall.

-I know.

-When'd you get this long?

Today was a fun day.

Yeah, so much fun.

Oh, my gosh.

Hey, um, I talk to you

about something, privately?

I mean,

the boys can play or something.

-Just talk alone?

-Yeah. Yeah.

I actually want to talk to you

about something, too.

Ooh! Hot potato.

Someone's ringing.

Someone's ringing!

Who's calling me?

My bum is vibrating.

-Who is it? Who is it?

-It's Mommy and Daddy!

-Oh!

-Oh!

Should I answer it?

Should I answer it?

You don't want to see

Mommy and Daddy?

Yeah. Yeah. Let's see.

I don't know if they miss you.

I don't know.

- We miss you so much.

- Should I hit on FaceTime?

Should I hit on FaceTime?

Y'all wanna see?

Yep. I'm hitting FaceTime.

-Gimme.

-They grabbed the phone now.

They grabbed the phone.

-FaceTime.

-Ooh!

We miss you so much.

- How much?

- To infinity and beyond.

Oh! You see that?

-How much is that?

-How much is that, huh?

Uh, to the universe and back.

-To the universe and back!

-To the universe and back!

-Oh! I'm jealous.

-Oh, my God. I'm jealous.

-I'm jelly, jelly, jelly.

-How many kisses are you gonna

give Mommy and Daddy

when they come?

1,000 million.

Did y'all have fun

with the aunties?

Yep, we had so fun

with our aunts.

Yeah, we're not gonna

give them back.

-Don't give us back.

-We had so much fun,

but we missed you so much.

We can't wait to give you

a million kisses on Saturday.

We'll give you

more than a million.

Mama loves you, boys.

-Bye. Love you.

-Bye.

Hang up.

Y'all hung up

on Mommy and Daddy.

I guess we're gonna

keep them now.

They hung up on Mommy and Daddy.

They want to stay!

Keep you forever and ever

and ever

They want to stay,

stay and play.

Ah! Oh, we missed you!

-We missed you guys so much!

-There's my guys.

How was it? You guys have fun?

Hey, buddies.

Let's go.

So how was it?

No mishaps at all?

No, no, I would say no.

No, I mean, we're --

we're totally natural.

-Yeah.

-Completely. We're ready.

Mm-hmm.

You look so tan and bronzed.

And no tan lines.

Wonder how that happened.

-Hi, guys.

-Yeah

-I need that.

-Yeah, I need it too.

-Ben!

-That would be great.

These are Dave's sisters,

Lucy and Samantha.

Ladies, this is Ben, Dave's

friend from sand volleyball.

His son Ryan

is good friends with the boys.

-Nice to meet you.

-Yeah.

Nice -- Hi.

Looks like the creeper

from the playground.

-Oh. That's me.

-Yeah.

Hey, what's up, man?

What's going on?

-Oh, look who's here.

-What's up, brother?

What's going on, boys?

You mean like blood brothers?

Uh, no, just, well,

regular brothers.

-Yeah.

-Wait, wait, wait a second.

Don't tell me you two

know each other, as well.

Oh, that's a small world, right?

Small.

We're all, like,

practically family.

Yeah. That's right,

like one big happy family.

-Yeah.

-Who knew!

Oh, God. What is that laugh?

-What? What laugh?

-Yeah, that little,

the little smile, the chuckle

is a little weird.

-Yeah.

-Allison, what's going on?

-You want to explain that?

-You guys -- Yeah. Joke's up.

Dave had his buddies babysit

you guys while we were gone.

What? You did not.

You didn't trust us

to watch the nephews?

-You trusted these two schmucks?

-Oh, my God!

You trust the guy

in the blue sweater?

I mean, who is that guy?

I haven't even --

Sam, you feel offended?

I feel offended.

-I feel very offended!

-You know what? Allison,

I expected this from Dave.

I tried to talk him out of it.

Ladies? Ladies?

I told him

you guys would be good!

Oh, you did?

Dave, do you need to get your

ears checked? Do your ears work?

Hold on, hold on,

hold on, hold on. Hold on.

I actually thought

you did a really good job.

The boys behaved very well.

-I thought --

-Do not even get there.

Who's asking you, blue sweater?

Yeah, yeah. Your opinion?

Huh? We needed that?

We needed that suddenly?

Ooh. Yeah. No.

Take a -- Take a breath.

Let's take a breath.

-Yeah. No one cares.

-I'm breathing. I'm breathing.

-Does it seem like I'm not?

-Relax.

Relax. We were just trying

to help out my brother.

Totally innocent. Okay?

Huh.

You were just trying

to help out?

Yeah.

You were just trying

to help out?

-Mm.

-Okay --

Mr. Innocent?

Okay. What's going on here?

That's a wide term

of a definition.

That's all I'm saying. Innocent.

That's very,

very wide term of a definition.

Uh, uh,

did you just give her a look?

Did you just give her the look?

He just gave you the look!

I don't know

what you're talking about.

You -- What is

happening behind my back?

What is happening

behind my back?

-I don't know.

-Luce, the look?

-I don't know.

-He likes you.

Clearly something happened.

What happened?

-Is that true?

-Nothing.

Did you hit on my sister

while I was gone?

-Thanks, bro.

-Yeah.

You were supposed

to be keeping tabs.

-Exactly.

-And, you know just --

Look, bro.

Just relax, okay?

We're like brothers.

-That's my sister!

-Whoa!

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Wrong. Wrong.

-You're wrong. You're wrong.

-It's totally innocent.

-Totally innocent.

-Nothing happened.

-I don't even know if --

-We -- We kissed.

No, you did not kiss.

You did not kiss.

You cheated on

the situationship.

You cheated on us.

-That's a very --

-That's a very hmm?

-You know?

-Okay, girls. Alright.

We both know that you're

both out of your minds

for wanting to do this

ditching men altogether

and this new sisterhood

parenting fad anyway.

Hey. It wasn't a fad, bro.

Hey, what --

What's your problem?

I don't really have a problem.

I just thought

it was interesting

that we were talking about

our problems the other night,

and that doesn't seem

to be an issue.

-Huh. Huh.

-No, no --

No, no, no,

we didn't do anything.

It was just,

we just were talking.

So you were trying

to make it look like me?

-Really?

-When you were guilty?

-Oh, no. I'm not.

-You were doing what I was

doing, but you were trying

to make it look

like it was just me doing it

when you were doing it,

and I was doing it, but

you were really doing it, too.

-No!

-I see.

Because guess what? We --

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

-You see what I'm --

-Excuse me?

Boing! Hey!

We didn't even get to second

or first base.

Was that the other night?

I mean, sounds like you did,

Miss Boing.

We didn't. We didn't even kiss,

mm-hmm, like y'all did.

You know, some people skip

some steps in between.

But anyway, I think

I'm gonna go now.

Hey, Kaleb! Noah!

Unh-unh.

Your favorite auntie is leaving!

-Wanna come with her?

-Absolutely not.

Your favorite auntie, the eldest

auntie is now leaving.

Kaleb, Noah,

you're coming with me.

Well, first is the worst.

Second is the best.

Some of these men

may have hairy chests,

and I'll see you later.

Happy holidays!

Merry F'ing Christmas.

See you at Christmas, guys!

Don't close the door on me!

Two weeks. Two weeks,

and you both

let your male instincts

take away with my sisters?

You're lucky

it ended with kissing.

I mean, you're the one

that showed us their Instagrams,

so I don't really know

what the problem is.

-Well, it was -- So?

-Yeah, I mean,

it's out there.

We knew what

we were getting into.

Right.

f*cking Instagram.

So I'm just here to keep

your sad, pitiful self company.

That's what friends are for.

Stop the madness, honey.

Come on.

Are you more upset

that she had a talk with Ben,

or at the fact

that you two had this crazy idea

of a fake marriage

or whatever the hell

you called it to raise kids?

I mean, honestly,

probably more the second one.

Exactly.

The truth is,

you really want Sam to be happy

in a romantic relationship,

and you as well,

assuming you two

found really great guys.

I mean, the reason why y'all

came up with this little crazy

pact to begin with is

because you couldn't find

the perfect guy in the beginning

to live the rest

of your lives with.

I mean, it's true.

Sam lied to me, right?

But I wasn't completely honest

with her, either.

So it can't really

be mad at her.

The thing is,

I know it's not gonna work out.

But it was a nice idea,

because, you know, Sam and I,

I mean, we have the sister bond.

But, you know, controlling

each other's love lives

is not going to work.

Like you do realize

no matter what guy

comes into the picture,

that's not going to break

y'all's bond.

Y'all gonna always

remain best friends.

And no matter

where life takes y'all,

y'all are always gonna

be there for each other

in the future for families,

babies, whatever.

Nothing and no one

can change that.

And I will always be the bestest

friend of the both of you.

What do I do?

I think you know what to do.

And buy Sam

a nice Christmas gift.

Did you give her

the same advice?

I'm sorry. Um,

I legally can't divulge

that information

because I'm talking to you

right now.

Your appointment with her

is right after this one.

No, my appointment with her

is tomorrow.

You're supposed

to go feed me now.

Okay.

I thought you were treating me.

I'm in your office.

No, I had to come out here

and walk with you.

You know I don't do

this exercise crap.

I walk with you

to help get the baby out.

Well, apparently that didn't

work because she's still here.

Mm. You're not eating

enough spicy food.

You gotta switch from

the jalapeno to the habanero.

Okay.

So where are we going to eat?

Thinking more like Indian.

I feel like you're more --

You're feeling

that curry stuff, aren't you?

You know me well.

Just tell Hubs to clear

the bathroom after that one.

That is disgusting.

It's time to go.

Yeah, she the one,

you the only one

There's no other one,

we have fun

Yeah, a lot of fun,

we act really dumb

Make my day every single day,

love it when you say

Love you, bae, let's take off

the day like a holiday

All day, I know

I'm your perfect type, girl

Type, girl, yeah

I can see you as my wife now

Hey, sis.

Hey.

I just want to say, um,

I'm really sorry.

Ditto.

You know no guy's ever

going to come between us, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're right.

And, you know,

we were a little out of it

when we made that pact.

We were -- We were a little,

uh-huh, gone.

We -- Blame it on the alcohol.

Yeah. Definitely.

Listen.

I really want to start

dating again.

I think we both should.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Okay.

You know,

Jeff seems pretty cool.

Mm.

I mean, I'm always gonna

be your toughest critic,

because I want you

to have the best,

but, um, you know,

he'll do for now.

Oh, for now.

-Yeah.

-Well, let me tell you.

Mm-hmm.

He's a pretty amazing kisser.

Stop. You did not.

-Oh, baby!

-Like so good? Like real good?

-Uh, very nice.

-Oh, my God!

I haven't even kissed Ben yet.

-No?

-And let me tell you something,

like I want to kiss him

like a tiger. Like

Oh, you gotta pounce on it

like a tiger.

Like those animal instincts.

Ask and the universe

shall deliver.

I mean,

is it kind of, kind of weird

that they're

like blood brothers?

like, kind of like with us?

Ancestral or something?

I mean.

Mm.

-Nah.

-Nah.

Let's do it.

We gonna watch

a Christmas movie or something,

or you just sit in the dark

when I'm not here?

-Let's do it. Love you.

-Come on.

Get one of those

classics on, baby.

-Let's do it.

-Love you.

Love you.

I miss Christmas.

Yeah. I miss our sunshines.

I mean, they're so cute.

I'm glad they're staying

with us tonight.

Mm-hmm.

A New Year is upon us.

Mm-hmm.

I'm just glad that we decided

not to adopt this year,

you know?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, being an auntie's

so much better.

It's like being a grandparent.

You get to kiss them,

spoil them,

then hand them

right back to their parents.

Don't have to handle -- do any

of those difficult questions.

Yeah. Those difficult questions.

-Mm-hmm.

-Leave it to the parents.

-Amen, sister.

-I have a question.

-Mm!

-Yes, angel?

Where do babies come from?

You wanna hear what my friend

at school told me?

Practically married,

practically married

We got that wide-eyed glow

and our sweet attitude

We know each other's quirks,

don't need a damn dude

Sick of the dating scene,

catfished too many times

Boys say they grown-a*s men

But then they act like

they be nine

Best friends

for all our lives

To hell, it's modern times

Let's make our own rules now,

our track record's sublime

We're like

practically married

We're like

practically married

We're like

practically married

We're like

practically married

It's all gonna work out.

Yeah.

Yeah. Whoa.

f*ck. Can we get someone

to clean this up?

Didn't you hire help?

Where's my nanny?

-Where's that lady?

-Yeah, that chick, like --

-She seems to be --

-Cut.

Best friends

for all our lives

To hell, it's modern times

Let's make our own rules now,

our track record's sublime

We're like

practically married

We're like

practically married

We're like

practically married

We're like

practically married

We practically married

It's Christmas time

with our nephews

Let's let our hair down,

put on them dancing shoes

Nephews are

with their best friends

And we do the damn thing

Parental status on fleek,

are we just insane?

We're like practically

married, practically

We're like practically

married, practically

We're like practically

married, practically

We're like

practically married

We practically married

Yo, I ain't got

no problem with bestie

But I know deep inside

you feel empty

You need a guy by your side

who'll be down for the ride

To provide something

more interesting

Let me be the next best thing,

I know change ain't easy

But let's be honest,

ain't no way to convince me

That you don't want a man

in your life

But I know you got your code,

you and your girl so close

Let's raise this glass

and toast

Congratulate you both

because you're

Practically married,

practically

We're like practically

married, practically

We're like practically

married, practically

We're like

practically married

We practically married