02x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

(CRUNCHES)

So, you'll be pleased to hear

Rupert has decided to promote you

to divisional officer.

What?

Do you mind if I take your photo?

It's for GCHQ magazine.

Uh sure! Is it for the cover?

No. That's a picture

of a horse drinking from a pond.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Wait. Wait.

I wasn't ready. Do it again.

Well, I can just keep taking them

if you want to carry on talking.

Oh, great. Yeah.

So is it specifically

to do with last week's success

or more for generally being awesome

all year round?

Hard to tell if it's either.

Still, it'll be nice

to finally have you under me.

Not quite. I don't think

that's ever gonna happen.

Oh, what about a company car?

There's a department Toyota Yaris,

but the passenger seat's

stuck in recline.

But you'll have unlimited access

to Evelyn, of course.

These are so great.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Here. How about?

I saw this in a magazine once,

just, like

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

More like, uh, Ryan Gosling,

sort of

Oh, yeah. Love that. Love that.

You carry on.

(CAMERA CLICKS AND BEEPS)

(BEEPING AND INDISTINCT CHATTER)

How's your mum doing, by the way?

OK.

She won't leave the house

without an axe

and has started having flashbacks.

At least she's stopped

humping everything.

(CHAIR BANGS)

Anything else?

Uh, yeah. Anything else?

A report just came in about a plane

trapped in a holding pattern above

Heathrow because of a c*ck bug.

So they may have to jump?

Well, I had a friend

who survived a fall from that height,

but I think it was because

he landed in Lake Geneva.

That's impossible -

hitting water from that height

would be like hitting concrete.

Well, he landed in water.

Send it through

to programming support.

Uh, yeah, Mary. Send it

through to programming support.

As some of you may have noticed,

Jerry has been offered a promotion

following last week's victory.

Uh, oh, let's

I just want to say

that up to a point,

I really could not have done it

without all of your help.

So thank you, up to a point.

Gosh! I haven't been promoted

in nearly 35 years.

Oh, I think that's just because

no-one expected you

to outlive the system.

Thank you.

So, will you be above Chris?

Sadly, not.

Yeah, maybe.

Well, we're just

it's still getting worked out.

Uh, plus, you should know,

I'm also being considered

for an extremely senior position

back at the NSA.

It's kind of like total vindication.

Gosh!

How senior are we talking?

I think even older than Mary.

Maybe I should apply.

No.

Actually, these kinds of roles

are only available to men.

You'd be surprised.

Actually, Chris, you know, I don't

really see you as a woman anymore.

No, I'm beginning to see you

as an equal.

Will you take the job?

I don't know. Why?

Would you miss me if I did?

Yeah.

(DOOR OPENS)

(SIGHS) Morning.

Joseph, you know you've been fired.

Oh, I noticed

my pass still works, so

You can't just keep wandering

in here whenever you feel like it.

I know. I j Sorry. Mary.

You mind if I leave that with you?

What's that?

Oh, it's I'm just organising

a little whip-round.

For yourself?

Yeah.

These are not for personal use.

We only use these when

there's been a domestic atrocity.

Is that why you're leaving?

Um, by the way,

one thing I forgot to ask,

just as another way

around it, Chris,

would you have any objection

to me working from home?

Yes! You've been fired.

Even if I work from home?

Yes.

It was your inadequacy

that got you fired,

not where you sit in Cheltenham.

Right.

Ouch.

But, seriously, uh, you doing OK?

Yeah.

Maybe you and Jerry

could have a joint party.

Why? Have you been fired as well?

No! I've been promoted.

It's kind of, like, the opposite.

In fact,

I get to put my own team together.

That'll be all, Joseph.

Uh, actually, Chris,

I mean, as Joseph's here,

I could really use someone to help

categorise all the Korean chatter.

Joseph doesn't work here anymore.

I mean, I don't speak Korean,

but Jay Wu might give you a hand.

He works in the canteen.

He wouldn't have

the correct clearance.

He's also completely blind.

Isn't that an advantage when

you're handling sensitive material?

CHRISTINE: Not always.

Maybe he could just help me

during his lunch break.

Sorry, are we talking about

me or Jay Wu?

Jay Wu! You've been fired.

He doesn't get a lunch break.

He works in the canteen!

Uh, does he get any kind of break?

He's completely blind!

OK. Back to work.

I agree.

Not you!

Not me. Sorry.

Alright, buddy.

Thank you.

Jerry!

(GASPS) Ha! h*!

No. No, it's me!

Oh, it's you. Man!

Close the blinds.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

No. No.

Oh. Sorry.

(SIGHS)

What's going on?

Oh, I just

fancied a little chat, really.

So this new promotion,

does it come with, like,

a big pay rise, then, or what?

Oh. Yeah. It's, like, off the chart.

It's, like, silly money.

Oh, wow. How silly?

I might I might buy the Citrus.

What, the whole hotel?

Yeah.

Well, if I can't find another job,

I might genuinely

need somewhere to stay.

So

Well if we're not sold out.

I mean

You know of anyone hiring

at the moment?

OK.

So I don't know

how you're gonna feel about this

(SIGHS)

..but I've been giving it

a lot of thought.

You have?

And given your experience

working here at GCHQ

Yes. (LAUGHS)

..well I mean, how would you feel

about going undercover

as a t*rror1st?

Well

..I don't think

I'd be tall enough, Jerry.

Oh, actually, from our point of view,

a short t*rror1st is a good thing,

because you're always looking up,

which is great for CCTV.

Have you ever fired a g*n?

No. No, no, no.

Well, there was one time

when I was a Cub

and someone brought air r*fles in,

but none of them worked

and Akela nearly exploded, so

Yeah, I didn't understand

a word of that.

OK, Jerry, I'm just gonna

throw this out there.

Given that you've been promoted

and you're forming a new team,

would you consider hiring me?

(LAUGHS)

You alright?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Uh

..um

..yeah.

Yeah. I'd consider it.

I I mean,

I'd have to talk to Chris

(SIGHS)

..first.

I'd worry about how that might look.

'Cause we used to be married?

No, and, I swear to God,

you bring that up one more time

OK. OK. Yeah.

I meant more in terms

of your lack of ability.

Apart from GCHQ,

what genuinely makes you happy?

(SIGHS) Charlotte, obviously.

Um

..and you.

Yeah.

I just don't know what I'm gonna do.

OK. I'll tell you what.

Listen. I'll talk to Chris.

Thank you, Jerry.

I just can't promise anything. OK?

Yeah.

Oh, I wish there was

anything else you could do.

Do you think it would be OK

if I took the cables?

Take what you like.

Hey. Uh, are you Joseph?

Uh, yes. Are you here

to fix the photocopier?

No. You're in my seat.

Oh. Sorry. Gosh.

So are so are you, like, the

..the new the new me?

What do you think?

I don't know.

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

What what's that?

You alright?

Yep.

Does this go any lower?

Erm, it should do.

Though for a while,

I had the valve blocked,

'cause I read that if you adjust it

too much, it gives you spina bifida.

There you go.

OK. Wonderful.

(SIGHS)

MARY: Hello!

I'm Mary, by the way.

Hi.

That's a very realistic wig.

It's not a wig.

Do you need me to show you

where the toilet is?

No, I need you to f*ck off.

(TYPES)

It's great to have you

on the team, Jerry.

We'll celebrate when I'm back.

Sounds good.

And, Chris?

You know where to find me

if you need me.

CHRISTINE: Yes.

Whoa!

(HORSE WHINNIES)

The Canadian Rockies.

Listen. Would it make things easier

if from now on, I sat in your chair?

No.

I just thought now

that we're on the same pay grade

We're not,

and that's not how it works.

Well, do you think I can, like, have

a little spin around in it or?

Jerry!

Fine!

God. Oh, my God, a spider!

What do you want, Jerry?

Um, so, uh

Got it.

So, listen, um, it's about Joseph.

Is he still in the building?

Yeah. I can't get him to leave.

Have you tried the window?

I was thinking

there might be another way.

The roof?

You don't want that, do you?

(LAUGHS)

(KNOCKING ON GLASS)

Sorry. Give me two secs.

Can you f*ck off?

Yes. Yeah.

Hey.

Nice to see you again.

CHRISTINE:

OK. I'll cut to the chase.

Assuming Jerry retains

his elevated status here at GCHQ,

which, given abysmal decisions like

this, I'd say won't be for long,

he has requested you as his new PA.

You're kidding.

Sadly, not.

Does it require any formal training?

No. So far as I can tell,

it doesn't require ANY training.

You were designed for this, buddy.

(LAUGHS) I don't know what to say.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

I got your back.

Well, don't get too comfortable.

Uh, I won't.

The NRA just called.

Oh. Has my membership lapsed?

Oh, no, sorry, I mean the NSA.

Jesus!

Did I get the job?

What job?

The job at the NSA.

What job at the NSA?

Is this the same as my new job?

What new job?

I've been given a PA.

No, you've been MADE a PA.

Is that not the same thing?

What about me?

What do you mean?

Do I get a PA?

You ARE a PA.

Look, never mind any of that.

What did they say?

Who?

The NRA!

JERRY AND CHRISTINE: NSA!

Oh. You've got the job.

Yes!

Well, that didn't last long.

It was a blast.

JOSEPH: Hey.

I didn't think you'd come.

Neither did I.

Oh! Wow. Wow.

We couldn't work out what to wear.

So we thought we'd play it safe.

Jerry's gonna love it.

Oh. Thank you.

I'm on antidepressants.

Have you got a bowl for these keys?

Um

Just, uh some little

Help yourself to

So, wait, is this a surprise party

or a leaving do?

I'd just rather

we didn't really call it anything

until we definitely know

who's leaving.

Well, you, for starters.

You're leaving again?

Is that the surprise?

I just thought it might be

a nice way to show Jerry

how appreciative we are

of him being here.

Before he leaves?

Yeah. Or if he decides to stay.

What, and make you his PA?

I should think that's unlikely now.

Well, anything's possible.

Conjoined twins are unlikely,

but we've actually got four sets

in our church.

Well, there you go, yeah.

So I'm actually so confused.

(CRUNCHES)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Hey!

Oh, hey. I didn't know

if I had the right place.

So I mean,

are all these buildings finished?

Ye-yeah.

Come in.

Yeah.

Can you, uh

Yeah, sure. Yeah.

So

..you know, I'm actually glad

it's just gonna be the two of us,

'cause, um, I wanted you to be

the first to know that I decided

Surprise!

Jesus!

f*ck!

No, it's Mary! It's Mary, Jerry.

Thought it was The Purge

or something.

What?

Well (LAUGHS)

You guys! You shouldn't have.

What is this my going-away party?

Well, at first,

it was gonna be mine,

and then it wasn't gonna be anyone's

and now I guess it's

well, it's up to you. (LAUGHS)

So yes?

(LAUGHS) That is so sweet.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Sorry. I Sorry.

Two seconds.

(DOOR OPENS)

Quentin's here.

Yay!

(DOOR CLOSES)

Oh, what's that muck there?

I don't know.

Everyone's been clomping around

in their shoes and stuff.

So who here do you already know?

Only Superman and Wonder Woman.

Oh, yeah.

Just so you're not disappointed,

they're not the actual ones.

When do you want

to set light to this?

Oh. And you're absolutely sure

it's a celebratory thing?

Yeah. People are doing it

on the internet all the time.

OK. I think just save it for the

end, then. Nice way to finish off.

So I've got

celery, carrot, cucumber.

So you've made your final decision?

I don't know. (SIGHS)

Maybe I'll stay,

just to piss you off.

That would be very fitting.

(LAUGHS)

As long as you know

who you can trust.

You know, despite your cold, brittle,

impenetrable shell, Chris,

I always suspected there was

something soft, warm and gooey

lurking inside.

Easy mistake to make.

(GLASS CLINKS)

(LAUGHS)

Well, at least this time,

I'll be heading back on my own terms,

instead of them

trying to extradite me.

That actually happened

to one of my African Brownies.

Are you allowed to call them that?

Thankfully, she ended up

catching sepsis on a tree stump,

so she wasn't allowed on the plane.

(CRUNCHES AND LAUGHS)

Shall we get a drink?

Oh! Thank you.

Hey! You alright?

Hey. What's that?

Oh, uh, that is a, uh,

hummus fountain thing.

(SIGHS) It's nice.

You having a good time.

Yeah. I just wish

we'd done this more often.

Well, we can if you stay.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Where do you keep your bread?

Uh oh, um, it's

Hello! (LAUGHS)

Sorry. Yes.

Sorry.

Jerry Bernstein.

You must be Charlene.

Charlotte.

Charlotte.

As in the potato.

(LAUGHS)

What what what's that?

You've not heard of potatoes?

I I (LAUGHS)

You're, um so you're tall.

Yeah. Always have been.

Yes.

Yeah. Your poor mother.

Mmm. She was even taller than me.

Oh, well, of course, obviously.

I mean, otherwise, how would

you have, you know, like pff

..come out, is what I

Anyway, I'm so so glad you're

gonna be looking after my buddy here.

That's a long commitment.

Well hopefully.

Could be.

No, it is. It is.

OK.

I might just, uh, go to the toilet.

You alright?

Yeah.

Oh.

f*ck. I'm so sorry.

No, it's alright.

It's fine.

I totally messed that up.

Hi!

Hope you don't mind,

but I just did a wee in your garden.

I don't have a garden.

I Quentin?

Hopefully, it was just a wee.

(THE LOCO-MOTION

BY KYLIE MINOGUE PLAYS)

I don't know if now is a good time,

but here you go.

Oh! That's so kind.

Sorry it's not much.

With what's-his-name, who I like.

Benedict Cumberbatch.

(GASPS) I love him.

Yes, she loves him.

Is that about

the guy in the wheelchair?

That's Stephen Hawking.

Such a great actor.

Did he use to work at GCHQ?

No!

I think he passed away

quite a few years ago now.

Benedict Cumberbatch?

So, did you guys get anything for me?

Therapy.

Cool! (LAUGHS)

What?

I don't know about you,

but I'd like to propose a toast.

Chrissy, come on. (SIGHS)

You you don't have to do that.

To Joseph.

OTHERS: To Joseph.

"They parted at last

with mutual civility

"and possibly a mutual desire

of never meeting again."

Oh, Chris!

That's so sweet.

Was that Britney?

Not quite. Jane Austen.

Yes, of course. Either way, I knew

it had to be written by a woman.

Well, I'd like to say something,

if I may.

About me or or you?

Yep.

Uh, this is open to interpretation.

(CLEARS THROAT)

We go together

..like

..rama lama lama

..ka dinga da dinga dong.

Remembered forever

as shoo-bop

..sha wadda wadda

..yippity boom

..de boom.

That's the way it should be.

Wah-ooh.

Yeah.

ALL: Wah-ooh. Yeah.

So is THAT Britney?

Yeah.

So is it your birthday, then?

Uh um no.

(LAUGHS) Not quite.

Uh

..I I

..I got fired.

Sorry.

What for?

Uh, gross incompetence.

No! What are you sorry for?

Oh, ju I would

..I just don't want you to be

disappointed in me, that's all.

(LAUGHS)

Don't be silly.

Couldn't give a sh*t.

(LAUGHS)

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOG BARKS)

Hey.

Hey.

You alright?

Yeah.

What?

(SIGHS)

Oh!

Uh

OK. OK.

(SIGHS)

Ah.

(SIGHS)

Listen, I wanted to

Listen, I just wanted to Oh.

No. You. No.

No, go ahead. Go!

Honestly. Please.

Go. Please.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I just want you to speak.

Just go.

No.

Go!

I mean, this

this might sound completely mad,

and, obviously, I'd need

to check with Charlotte first,

but do you think

I should go with you?

Yeah (SIGHS)

..I mean, the only issue I think

..we'd have with that is

..is in proving that no-one else

in the States could do what you do -

you know,

just from a visa point of view.

Right.

And how how many people are there

in in the States?

Right now?

Uh, 328 million, not including me.

Oh, it will be it'll be fine.

It's gonna be fine. You know?

Yeah.

We can still Zoom

every five minutes.

Yeah! Yeah.

Yeah?

I mean

..obviously, you know,

I'll be busy at times.

Well, you know what?

I-I'd be more than happy to

just sort of leave Skype on all day.

You know, even if we're just

going about our normal business,

we can still sort of check in

every so often, say hello.

I'm sure I'm sure we'll

we'll figure something out.

Yeah, and there's FaceTime

and there's WhatsApp

and there's Houseparty.

Can you can you

Sorry, I'm just feeling a bit

Yeah.

..light-headed.

OK.

Hmm.

Uh, you know what you remind me of?

No.

A pilot fish.

Do you know the one I mean?

It's it's, uh, one of those fish

that swim under sharks.

Oh, yeah, yeah,

for, like, added protection.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. But here's the thing.

It's also huge benefit to the shark,

because that tiny little fish

eats all the

..the little bits of dead dry skin,

keeping that shark healthy and tall.

Are you saying

that's what you'd like ME to do?

Well (SIGHS) ..no.

I just

..I just want you to remember that

when I'm gone.

(DOOR OPENS)

Um, Wonder Woman's been sick.

Oh, God. Well, I better eh?

Are you are you coming in, Jerry,

or you gonna

Oh, give me a minute.

Is she OK?

No. It's, like, all in her wig.

Oh, God. Does Superman know?

I don't know.

Push.

Stop crowding me, Joseph.

Alright.

(DOOR CLOSES)

What am I doing?

MAN: You order pizza?

Oh.

Uh

..yeah.

Um, let me just go get my wallet.

(TYRES SCREECH)

(GROANS)

(TYRES SCREECH)

(DOG BARKS)

(ICE CLINKS)

NOEL COWARD: Hooray, hooray, hooray

Misery's on the way

There are bad times

just around the corner

There are dark clouds

hurtling through the sky

It's as clear as crystal

From Bridlington to Bristol

That we can't save democracy

and we don't much care

We'd better all learn the lyrics

Of the old Red Flag

And wait until we drop down dead.