01x10 - Omen Cat

[bunniefuu]

Mirren: The Earth,

spinning in an endless void
of space,

is a warm and protective home ‐‐

sheltering not only
the human race,

but countless other
fascinating creatures.

Bug: I get it.
Okay?

Our butts light up.

But you know what else
makes us fascinating?

Our personalities.

But to meet our companions
on this planet,

we must travel far and wide

with our hearts, our minds,
and our ears

open to their secrets.

Pika: Secrets? What secrets?
I don't have any secrets.

If anything, you're the one
with secrets.

The animals
have unique perspectives

towards life on Earth,

and their lessons can help
enrich our own human experience.

Polly: So maybe
ask us what we think

instead of just telling us
to repeat after you.

Dave: Yeah! We've got minds
of our own, you jerks!

Are you hungry, Dave?

I am, Polly.
What do you feel like having?

I'm kind of craving
a cr*cker.

We are all, every living
creature, sharing a home.

And we would be wise

to hang upon every enlightened
word we overhear

when nature calls.

♪♪

The natural world follows
its own set of rules ‐‐

organizing principles
dictated by instinct,

often cruel,
but always impartial.

That said, do animals
feel a sense of justice?

Lemur: Ohhhh!
[ Lemur thuds ]

Do they know when
a transgression has occurred?

And if so, are they aware that
I was totally robbed of an Oscar

for my role
in "The Fate of the Furious"?

Because honestly, I'm still
miffed about that one.

[ Chuckles ]
I'll get over it...not.

But there are those in
the animal kingdom who observe

and enforce the laws of nature,

like these hippos
in Sub‐Saharan Africa.

[ Birds chirping ]

Announcer:
In the animal justice system,

there are dedicated detectives

who investigate
the most heinous of crimes.

These are their stories.

Male Hippo:
What do we got, Chief?

Female Hippo:
Deceased alligator.

Suspected homicide.
Neighbor called it in.

I need my two best detectives
on this case.

Female Hippo #2:
Let's take a look.

Oh, boy.
Damn it.

That's gruesome.

Looks like this gator died

in the middle of being...
surprised.

Open mouth.
Wide eyes.

A look of
general bewilderment.

Some sick b*stard
shocked him to death.

Who coulda done
something like this?

Put out an APB.
We need all units in the area

looking for anything astonishing
or even vaguely surprising.

Don't tell me you think

this is related
to the other murders.

I'm not
ruling anything out.

Think about it.
The owl in the tree.

The seal on the beach.

All those tarsiers.

You're right.

We might be dealing
with a serial startler.

Vic was DOA when the paramedics
arrived, which means ‐‐

[ Hippos scream ]

Oh [bleep]

What the [bleep]?!
Oh [bleep]

Alligator: What the hell
is wrong with you guys?

Every time I try to take
a nice, relaxing nap

with my mouth wide open,

I wake up covered
in crime‐scene tape

with you idiots screaming
about me not being dead.

‐Sorry.
‐Our bad.

Female Hippo #2:
Why do you sleep

with your mouth
like that?

♪♪

[ Insects chirping ]

[ Animal squeaking ]

♪♪

Mirren: Superstition
is a behavioral quirk

associated only with humans.

But many of our animal friends

harbor similarly suspicious
and illogical beliefs.

This elephant never books
an airline seat

in the 13th row.

This impala holds his breath
when he drives past a cemetery.

And this ground squirrel
has avoided birds of prey

ever since a hawk
ate most of his family.

Yes, these wild creatures
are often struck

with feelings of inexplicable
dread and unease,

as with these rock rabbits
in Kenya.

Male Muskrat: Time for
another fun and busy day!

Female Muskrat:
Let's go for a swim!

[ Foreboding music playing ]

What the...?
What ‐‐ Is that a cat?

It's so...foreboding.

[ Foreboding music continues ]

♪♪

So, maybe we shouldn't go
for a swim?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
good call, good call.

It's like...an omen,
I guess?

It's Omen Cat.

Okay. What will happen
if we swim?

♪♪

Are you...gonna tell us?

Wait, are we sure this Omen Cat
is looking at us?

Maybe ‐‐ Maybe there's
somebody behind us
it's looking at.

No, it's clearly
looking at us.

It's definitely portending
some kind of doom.

Plus, you can see
right underneath.

The graphic says
he's an...

So maybe we don't go
swimming today.

Because something bad
may or may not happen?

Dude, just tell us
what the [bleep] happens!

He doesn't have to tell you
jack [bleep]

He just has to make you feel
kind of uneasy.

He's...

♪♪

♪♪

And now, untamed,
unvarnished, unsolicited,

these are...

Wolf: Everyone says college
is the best time of your life,

but I actually think
middle school is way better.

I felt awkward. I didn't know
what was happening to my body.

It was...[chuckles]
it was actually really great.

This has been...

♪♪

♪♪

‐Gug, gug, gug, gug, gug.
‐Boots and cats and...

Frog: Bow, bow. Bow, bow.

Hummingbird: Wiggle, wiggle.
Wiggle, wiggle.

‐Boots and cats and...
‐Wiggle, wiggle.

Hippo:
Pubububububububb, motorboat.

Alan: Ah‐choo!

‐Alan! Seriously, Alan?
‐Damn it, Alan! Come on, man.

Alan: Sorry.

♪♪

Mirren: Animals make

literally thousands
of decisions every day

simply to navigate life
in the natural world.

This hectic pace affords
our wild animals

little time to relax and unwind,

and even less time to reply to
the hundreds of unread e‐mails

that clutter their inboxes.

[ Mandrill sighs ]

Mirren: But every so often,
they can take a moment

to soothe their weary nerves,
like these Japanese macaque.

♪♪

You're looking
for someplace relaxing.

You're looking
for someplace rejuvenating.

You're looking for someplace
really, really cheap.

You're looking for...

♪♪

Our springs range
from tepid to lukewarm.

And if you like the smell
of rotten eggs, you're in luck

because our fetid pools
reek of natural sulfur,

and you'll never get that
out of your hair.

Loyal monkey customers have
enjoyed our springs

for decades.

Truly, these are very,
very old naked monkeys

in these hot springs.

They love our services, like...

And, yes, all our services are
performed in the hot springs

around other customers.

Has all of this soaking
in a pool of your own stuff

made you hungry?
Perfect.

Because we have a rejuvenating
spa menu with foods like...

And you're encouraged to eat

while relaxing
in our hot springs.

Spill!
Make a mess!

We don't care what you do

as long as you find it
relaxing.

So get ready to say
"ooh ooh ah, ahhh" at...

♪♪

Mirren: How do wild creatures
make decisions?

Certainly, instinct
and evolution play a part.

But when an animal must make
a truly difficult choice,

do they rely on some innate
sense of morality?

Or do they just say, "Screw it,"
and flip a coin?

And if so, where would they
actually keep a coin?

I mean, very few of them
have pockets.

I suppose other animals

could just ask a kangaroo
to keep stuff for them.

Ah, there you go.
I figured it out all by myself.

There may be a hint
at this inner turmoil,

as we observe
with this hippopotamus

in the waters of Tanzania.

♪♪

Devil Bird: Do it.

Do it!

Angel Bird:
Don't listen to her.

Listen to your heart.

Your heart always leads you
in the right direction,

which is to not do it.

Come on.
It feels so good to be bad.

No, no, no.
It feels bad.

It's simple ‐‐
being bad is bad,

and being good is good.

[ Wings fluttering ]

Existential Nihilism:
Hello, gentlemen.

Angel and Devil Bird:
Hello, Existential Nihilism.

Existential Nihilism: I couldn't
help but overhear your convo

and thought I'd chime in.

‐Great.
‐Mm‐hmm.

If I may,
here's my perspective ‐‐

nothing is ever intrinsically
good or bad.

Nothing truly matters
in the grand scheme of things.

Anyway, what is
he trying to decide?

Whether or not to take
a big ol' hippo dump

in this public pool.
[ Stomach rumble ]

Oh. Uh‐oh.
Ha! I win.

Actually,
in an indifferent universe,

competition is a totally
futile endeavor.

Dude, you're a [bleep] bummer
to be around.

Oh, thank you.

♪♪

Mirren: Animals are hard‐wired
to perform certain tasks.

They must feed...

they must mate...

and their partners should change
the air filters

in their condo's HVAC system at
least once every three months.

Darling, are you listening
to me?

[ Wind blowing ]

But beyond
primal responsibilities,

do these creatures ever feel
a sense of duty?

That certainly seems
to be evident

with this imperial eagle,

standing watch over the isolated
tundra of the Arctic Circle.

Eagle: Eagle to base,
eagle to base, over.

Woman: [ Through radio ]
This is base. Go ahead, Eagle.

Yeah,
so I was just wondering,

why is my code name
"Eagle"?

It's because you're
an eagle, Eagle. Over.

Right. Right.
Yeah, no, I get that.

But how come Striker's code name
is "Striker"?

He's clearly an eagle, too,
isn't he?

And what about Gunslinger?

He's a porcupine, but you
call him "Gunslinger."

So why am I just "Eagle"?

Sorta feels like everybody
gets a cool code name

except for me.

[ Sighs ] Would it
make you feel better

if we gave you
a new code name, Eagle?

Hmm. Yeah, it would, base.
It really would. Over.

Okay. From here on out,
your code name is "Feathers."

Cool. So we're just
being petty now.

You don't like the code name
"Feathers"?

How about this?
Just use my real name...

Right.
...which you
definitely know,

because you got that invite
to my Oscar party

and replied "Yes,"
and then never showed up.

We don't have to do this.

No, Mitch,
I think we do.

Thunderclaw.
Your code name can be
"Thunderclaw," okay?

See?
That wasn't so hard.

So, Thunderclaw,
what is your real name?

It's Josh.
Josh Feathers.

You gotta be
[bleep] kidding me.

♪♪

Mirren: In the wild, finding
a mate is generally free

of the stilted customs and
awkwardness of human society.

For animals, romantic
relationships are mostly just,

"Hey, what's up?

You want to grab some dinner,
mash our junk together,

and then have a litter of
six or seven kids?"

But every so often,

one of our animal cousins
must pursue another

more complicated means
of finding a partner,

as with this water buffalo
in Japan.

[ Game‐show theme playing ]

♪♪

[ Smooch ]

Host: We're back
to "Perfect Match."

Our bachelorette Renee is down
to her final two choices ‐‐

Gil and Nate.
Who's it gonna be, Renee?

Renee:
Nate seems sweet, but...

I can't resist
a sexy voice.

I choose Gil.

It's time to meet your match.

Say Hi to Gil.

Gil: Hi, Renee.

What?
What the hell is that?

That's your match.
Gil is a plant lover from ‐‐

Which part is his head
and which part is his butt?

What are we even
supposed to do together?

My mouth is down here.

And there's a lot
we can do together.

Movies, concerts...
Boy, I ain't trying

to be carrying you around
to no movies.

I can't stunt
on the 'Gram with you

looking like I just blew you
out my nose.

Whoa.
That was just mean.

What are you?
A worm?

I'm a caterpillar.

But soon
I'm gonna be a butter‐‐

If you don't get
your alien‐faced,

too‐many‐leg‐having,
Green‐Goblin‐lookin'
behind outta my face ‐‐

[ Laughing ] Well, I guess this
isn't a perfect match.

Man, screw this.

But maybe we can still
find love for Renee.

Kiss my a*s, Tom.

It's Chuck.
Chuck Heston.

Not Tom.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Smooch ]

You didn't ask,
and he doesn't care.

These are...

Wolf: Hugs are fine, I guess,
but my favorite sensation

is when you get a tiny sliver
of popcorn kernel

stuck in your throat.

Oh! It is heaven.

I just...I really like it.

This has been...

♪♪

♪♪

[ Birds chirping ]

[ Monkey humming ]

♪♪

Monkey #2:
Alright, looks good.

Arm definitely still bends
in all the right places.

Is there a specific reason
you came in today?

Ah, no,
just routine upkeep.

[ Chuckles ]
Good, great, great, great.

We will just do
the full inspection.

Okay, uh‐huh,
looks good.

Very much covered
in hair.

Super teensy‐eensy ears.

Body chockfull of fleas
and mites and general bugs.

Very good.

And now let's check
these puppies out.

These still bendy?
Still opposable?

Very nice.

Alright. You are definitely
a fully functioning monkey.

Just make sure to come back
after the next 5,000 miles.

Great, thanks.

[ Engine starts ]

♪♪

Mirren: As animals navigate
through the wild,

they must deftly avoid

any number
of physical dangers ‐‐

from aggressive predators
to poisonous flora

to big, dumb hippos who just
slam their brakes on

in the middle of the road
for no reason.

Even more concerning
for our animal cousins

is that sustaining an injury
would instantly make them

a highly vulnerable target
to outside threats.

After all, there are
no hospitals in nature.

Although wouldn't that be sweet?

I mean, I can just imagine
a chimpanzee

wearing a tiny lab coat
with a stethoscope

in his cute little ears.

Oh, my God!
Oh. [ Laughs ]

Ah‐dorbs.
Mm.

There are, however, some animals

who focus not
on corporal dangers

but on dilemmas that are
more existential...

[ Wolf howling ]
Mirren: ...like our old friend,

the timber wolf of
the North American grassland.

Yes, we're still doing this.

Time for another of our...

Wolf:
Do we really need Mother's Day?

Honestly, I think moms
get a little too much credit.

Really, every day
is Mother's Day, isn't it?

Yeah. I think I'm right
with this one.

This has been...

♪♪

Mirren: Let us travel
around the globe

and venture back to Japan,

where an increasingly impatient
water buffalo

continues her search
for a suitable mate.

♪♪

[ Game‐show theme playing ]

♪♪

[ Smooch ]

Host: We're back
to "Perfect Match."

Our contestant, Renee,

wasn't too happy
with her last match, Gil.

[ Wah‐wah ]

But she's decided
to give it one more try.

Renee: The producer said
I gotta see this thing through

if I want my lifetime supply
of cabbage.

That's right, love could still
be in the air...

or maybe there's something
in the water.

Meet your perfect match.

Tell me this dude is bigger
than my toenail.

He's two tons of love.

Okay.
I like big boys.

Say hello to Nate.

Nate: [ Chuckles ]
'Sup, girl?

Again, what am I
looking at here?

2,000 pounds
of pure stud, baby.

Where's his face?

'Cause right now, that looks
like straight‐up [bleep]

Okay, yeah, I know I should
have shaved, but, um...

The facial hair gives me
below‐the‐belt vibes,

if you know what I mean.

I do not know
what you mean.

You need to landscape,
bruh.

How y'all got me in here
with a real‐life butterface?

Keep your prize.

I don't need no cabbage
that damn bad.

Y'all know what?

From now on, I'm meeting men
at bars and funerals.

[ Laughs ] Let's leave
these love birds alone.

That's all for "Perfect Match."

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Smooch ]

♪♪

[ Birds chirping ]

Mirren: Another sojourn
into the animal kingdom

draws to a close.

These creatures have been
gracious enough

to allow us into their homes.

And in return, we have
surreptitiously recorded them

for profit.

And the time has come for us
to take our leave of them.

Say, Jerry, do you want to grab
some dinner, see a movie?

Jerry:
That sounds delightful.

Good.
Have fun with that.

I'm going home.

But I shall return

alongside our noble
animal pals...

when nature calls.

Dad Bison: Well, kiddo,
it's been great

having you back home
with me and your mother,

but I think it's time
that you take the next step.

It's time to say,
"bye," son.

Son Bison: "Bison"?

Bison.
Yes, Dad, yes.

That is what I've been
telling you about.

Words of self‐affirmation.

Proclaim who you are.

Bison.
We are bison.

Father and son,
living together at home,

in close proximity,
forever.

No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm trying to tell you,
you've been here for a year now.

All your other friends
have moved out.

I think Steven went to
the University of Illinois,

studying chemistry.
And you're here.

I just think it's time
I...tell...you that ‐‐

that I tell you,
goodbye, son.

Wow, Pops, I hear you.

"You good bison,"
"You bad bison,"

doesn't matter.

Value judgments
are relative, man.

What matters is that
I'm here, at home, with you,

not paying for utilities,
finding my identity

and not being bogged down
by a job or ‐‐

You have to move
the [bleep] out.

[ Crying ]

So this is goodbye, son?

♪♪

Mirren: Towering mountains...

icy, windswept plains...

vast, impenetrable seas.

These imposing landscapes appear
unwelcoming and inhospitable

even to the many creatures
who call them home.

Squirrel: Yep, our winters are
pret‐ty brutal out here.

You'll get used to 'em, though.

[ Whispering ]
No, you don't.

Mirren:
But upon closer inspection,

these terrains are revealed
as unique platforms ‐‐

stages on which the theater
of life is performed.

Lizard: Ah, yes, the world
is but a stage.

Which is why I always stay
in character...as a lizard.

[ Mouth full ] It's an honor
to work with Helen Mirren.

Mirren: In the natural world,

there is a staggering variety
of amusements on display ‐‐

comedy...

tragedy...

and life‐affirming drama.

Lizard: Foul.
Foul.

This snake fouled me.
Where's the ref?

Snake: Oh, come on!
I didn't touch him!

And now, take your seat.

The lights are once again
dimming

as the performers
take the stage.

Prepare to be entertained
and enlightened...

♪♪

[ Birds chirping ]

♪♪

Monkey: Haven't seen you two
at the gym before.

I love exercising.
Don't you love exercising?

Do you two work out?

Oh!
Me and my friends here ‐‐

we have the best routine.

I hang with my arm, they sorta
flail around like that.

Really gets
the heart rate going.

Do you do this one?

Do you do weights?
Do you do cardio?

How much do you branch?
How much do you two branch?

I can branch, like, 270.
No big deal.

How much do you do?
Do you do skycycle?

Skycycle's incredible
for your lower core.

Kinda like a StairMaster
but way up in a tree.

Do you do Flurpees?
Flurpees.

Flurpees are 5 sets of 20,
20 times

if you want to do Flurpees.

Do you do Yoodoo?
Yoodoo's another workout we do.

It's ill*gal in most countries,

but it makes your butt look
like a Georgia peach.

Do you do Yoodoo?
You do?

We do.

Do you guys understand
what I'm saying?

What do you do?

Anyway...
membership is $400 a month,

and we've already charged
your card.

Monkey #2: See?

This is why I don't like
coming to the gym.

♪♪

Mirren: The natural world
is tumultuous,

a domain where beauty
and grace coexist

alongside violence and savagery.

It's like watching people eat

at the complimentary breakfast
buffet at an airport hotel.

But amongst these
rough‐and‐tumble interactions,

there is space for animals
to feel responsibility...

or even guilt,

as we shall see
through the interplay

between a predator
and its prey ‐‐

this cheetah and gazelle
in Kenya.

♪♪

[ Suspenseful music playing ]

♪♪

Gazelle: Oh [bleep]

Cheetah: Sorry, pal,

but this isn't gonna
end well for you.

Please, I have so much
to live for.

No‐o‐o‐o‐o‐o‐o‐o!

Gotcha.
[ Growls ]

[ Gnawing, slurping ]

Mm.
That guy was delicious.

Gazelle:
[ Singsong voice ] Gary.

Huh?
Who said that?

I'm Norman,

the ghost of the gazelle
you just ate, Gary.

What?!

So, this proves that
there's an afterlife.

Uh, yeah.

And the first thing
you thought to do

was come and haunt me?

You ate me.
I had big plans for myself.

I was gonna write a novel.

Oh, man.

My stomach kinda hurts.
Maybe that's because

you just ate
90 pounds of raw gazelle.

And don't change
the subject, m*rder*r.

Is there anything else
you want to talk about?

I mean, while
you're haunting me.

Ooh, you're not wiggling
your way out of this.

We're gonna sit here
and talk about

how you've lived
your life.

Ugh, man.

Brian was right.
I should've gone vegan.

♪♪

Mirren: As we rise
from the plains of Africa,

we let go of the troubling
realization

that no one has ever heard of
a gazelle who died of old age.

Instead, let's focus on those

who can rely on community
to get by,

like these macaque in Thailand.

And now brace yourself
for unbelievable tales

of medical trauma.

These are...

Female Macaque:
Just try to relax, sir.

So, how did you get
a splinter down there?

Male Macaque: Well,
I sat on an old wooden chair.

Okay. Then why isn't
the splinter in your butt?

So, I've been doing some
substitute teaching, right?

Mm‐hmm.

And I wanted to seem like
the hip chemistry teacher, so...

Oh, you sat with the chair
turned around, cool‐style?

Y‐Yeah.

So, did your students
think you were cool?

It was kinda hard
to hear them

over the sound
of my own screams.

I see. And how did this banana
wind up in your rectum?

I fell on my lunch, okay?
That's it.

These were...

♪♪

Mirren: Animals employ
a variety of tactics

to protect themselves
from outside threats.

Insects masquerade as leaves
to hide from predators.

Some songbirds vary
their singing patterns

to mimic other,
more imposing species.

And this llama spent all the
money he made from mowing lawns

on this incredibly realistic
chimpanzee costume.

But what happens to an animal
when they discover

they are the ones
being deceived?

This red squirrel
in the North American woodlands

is about to find out.

[ Animal sounds ]

♪♪

We've replaced this squirrel's
favorite brand‐name pinecone

with new
Forest Reserve Pinecones.

Let's see if she can tell
the difference.

Announcer: Pardon me, miss,
but how's the pinecone?

Squirrel: Mmm.

Ahh.
How's, uh, the pinecone?

Mmm, mmm.

Wow! Our new
Forest Reserve Pinecone

is so delicious
that she can't stop eating

to talk about it.

Mmm! Mmm!

We are so happy you like our new
Forest Reserve Pinecones.

They're sugar‐free,
fat‐free, and ‐‐

Oh! Yes!

That good, huh?
Oh, yeah.

So, what's the secret to
our delicious healthy pine...

Oh, my...
...cones?

...God!
Whew!

The, um ‐‐ The secret is,
uhh...

Ohh!
Oh, wow!

Forest Reserve Pinecones.

Not sure what the hell
we put in them,

but people really seem
to enjoy them.

Oh [bleep]

Ah, that's
a good pinecone!

♪♪

♪♪

[ Birds chirping ]

Snake: This is fine.

I'm totally okay with nobody
showing up to my party.

Sure, I went pretty all‐out.

My so‐called friends
would've really liked

the "make your own poke bowl"
station and the Slip 'N Slide,

but, hey.

People have lives.
They're busy.

I'm 30 now, so, you know,

people have, like, kids and
partners and all that stuff.

[ Sighs ]
But this is fine.

I can have fun all by myself.

[ Blows noisemaker ]

Yay. Happy [bleep] birthday
to me.

♪♪

Mirren: Let us return
to the African veldt

to witness as a cheetah,

recently confronted with the
repercussions of its actions,

grapples with issues
of morality.

♪♪

Gary: Yes, you are justified
in haunting me.

I stalked and k*lled you.

Norman: Mm‐hmm.

I'm an apex predator.

What am I supposed to do,
like, grow food?

Deer: [ Singsong voice ]
Gary.

Wait, who are you?

I'm the deer
you ate yesterday,

and I'm here
to haunt you.

Unh‐unh, girl.
This is my moment to haunt Gary.

[ Scoffs ] I was waiting for him
to digest me first.

sh**t, he still got bits of you
in his teeth right now.

I mean, damn.
You don't understand.

I was cut down
in the prime of my life.

Oh, so I'm not in the prime
of my life,

that's what
you're saying?

Guys, please.
There's no need to argue.

Everybody can get their chance
to haunt Gary.

Let's ‐‐ Let's just figure out
a system that's fair.

Well, I'm kind of
a night owl.

So how about I haunt him
after dark?

That works.
I'll take the morning shift.

Great. So do we take turns
haunting him on the weekends?

Just throwing this out there.

How about you don't haunt me
at all?

Norman and Deer:
Shut the [bleep] up, Gary.

♪♪

Mirren: Most animals
are social creatures

who congregate in large groups
for protection,

to share resources,
and raise young.

And every Thursday night,

they meet at Russell's
studio apartment

to eat pizza
and play board games.

But for all its benefits,
life amidst the herd

can also lead to frustration
and confusion...

...as witnessed with these
baboons in Ethiopia.

Host Baboon: Alice? Alice?
Party of six?

Male Baboon: Did she say
"Alex" or "Alice?"

'C‐Cause we're Alex.

Female Baboon: We've been
waiting for an hour.

Al?
Party of six?

Al?
Did you mean "Alex"?

Al S.?

Al, last name "S."

Al‐lex.
Alch?

No. No, no.
Alex.

Alk?
Alex!

Als‐s‐s?

That's no one's name.
Say a real name.

Alf?

Alf?!

Alps? Alps?

Big Baboon: Now she's just
saying European mountain ranges.

‐Yo!
‐Unbelievable!

Last call. If I called your name
and you haven't checked in,

I am crossing you off the list.

So bye‐bye, Alex.

‐No! No, no, no, no, no!
‐No! Come on!

‐No!
‐Come on!

Host baboon: Oh, let me
show you to your table.

And FYI ‐‐ we're cash only
and our ATM is broken.

‐This place is the worst.
‐Oh, my God. What the hell?

Host baboon: Also, we just lost
our liquor license.

Let's get you seated.

Tony:
Hey, you. Yeah, you.

Are you a bird looking for a way
to get around that's not flying?

Well, come on down
to Tony Winger Auto

off route 90 in the big swamp.

I'm Tony Winger, and I've got

deals, deals, and deals!

You got it.

We got deals on elephants,
deals on wet rhinos.

You want a dry rhino?

Well, go somewhere else 'cause
we only got wet ones, baby.

Deals on a gently used 2008...

I dunno. What is that,
a bear, a sea otter?

Is that a cat, maybe?
It could be a cat.

Maybe it's a cat otter.

All I know for sure is
it's a stylish

and dependable new creature,

and it's cheap because

we're slashing prices
left and right over here.

All sorts of used Stingrays,
Mustangs, Impalas,

Rams, and Beetles.
[ Horn honks ]

We've even got jet skis.

So come on down
for a test drive today.

Bring the kids.

Children: Yay!

Tony Winger Auto.

Because anything can be a car
when you're a bird.

♪♪

[ Flamingos squawking ]

Flamingo: A little wider.
Perfect.

A lot of plaque build‐up.
Have you been flossing?

Flamingo #2: [ Mumbles ]

I thought that
might be the case.

Anyway, what was I saying?
Right.

He's an American
football coach

who goes and coaches
a British soccer team.

Real fish‐out‐of‐water
kind of thing.

Have you seen it?
[ Mumbles ]

You should check it out.

I don't usually love sitcoms,
but Audrey's bingeing it,

and I gotta admit,
it's really funny.

Have you been watching
anything?

Aah!
Hmm. Good?

[ Mumbles ]
I haven't seen that one.

It feels like there are
just too many shows now.

I can't keep up.

Got any trips planned?

[ Mumbling ]

[ Laughs ]
I totally agree.

Well, listen, this thing
is really infected.

You should see a dentist.

Wait, what?!

♪♪

Mirren:
Animals, generally speaking,

do not have time for hobbies.

Believe me. I've watched days
of this footage,

and the entire time,

I think I've only seen, like,
three or four animals

building model rockets.

Pastimes and idle amusements ‐‐
these are meant for humans.

Jerry, do you have any hobbies?

Jerry: I do.
I like to spend my free time

labeling and cataloging
various audio files.

[ Coughs ] Nerd.

What's that?

Oh, nothing.

I j‐j‐just had something
in my throat.

But very rarely, we spy a wild
creature devoting their time

to something purely for
pleasure,

like these mischievous lions
in the African savanna.

'Sup, guys?
I'm Dan.

I'm Dino.

Both: And this is...

You've seen us gorge on
78 raw hot dogs,

then go to the E. R.

Swallow 103 live cicadas,

then go to the E. R.

And drink 12 slushies,
then go to the E. R.

Today we're kicking it up
a notch.

With the hot pepper
challenge.

First up,
the Ghost Pepper.

[ Ghost Pepper laughs ]

[ Munching ]

Hmm. I mean, it's not
that bad, bro.

I mean, it's barely ‐‐

Oh, my God!

[ Panting ]

You're whack, bro.

I've had tomatoes
hotter than ‐‐

Whoooo‐ahhhhh!

Next up...
the Naga Viper.

Naga Viper: Spicy.

This is a ‐‐
This is weak.

[ Chuckles ]
Okay, this kinda...

hits the ‐‐ the back
of the throat.

[ Gagging ]

[ Coughs ]
I...can't...take it.

Milk!
[ Groans ]

[ Voice breaking ]
And finally,

the dreaded
Carolina Reaper.

Carolina Reaper:
I will burn your soul!

[ Strained ]
Bring it.

[ Munches ]
Agh!

I think it's burning
through my intestines.

[ Coughs ]

Satan just gave birth
in my mouth.

[ Coughs ]

I'm losing...
the will...to live.

This episode of
"D&D Make Bad Choices"

is dedicated to the memory
of Dino & Dan.

Forever in our hearts.

♪♪

Mirren: We return now,
one last time,

to the grasslands
of central Africa,

where a cheetah attempts
to reconcile its instincts

with the expectations of its
increasingly hostile neighbors.

♪♪

Gary: Okay, so it doesn't make
sense for me to be haunted

by the prey animals I've eaten
in reverse order.

Sure, sure.
Sure, sure.

Penguin: [ Singsong voice ]
Gary.

Dude.
Seriously?

When the hell
did you eat a penguin?

Gary:
I was on vacation.

Hey, look,
if we're gonna do this

every time somebody I ate
shows up ‐‐

Hot Dog: [ Singsong voice ]
Gary.

Okay, I definitely do not
remember eating you.

You were drunk.

You passed a hot‐dog cart
on the way home from a bar.

Grass: Bo‐o‐o‐o‐o‐o!

Wait. Grass?
I didn't eat you.

We were talking
to the gazelle.

Norman.
You ate us, Norman.

Oh, crap.

Okay, so now the things I ate

are getting haunted
by the things they ate?

This is getting complicated.

Deer: Oh, really?
It's complicated for you?

‐We are dead.
‐Typical predator.

‐How do you think we feel?
‐Well, sorry, Gary.

Hot Dog: This must be so hard
for you, geez.

Life is complicated, buddy.
Get used to it.

Okay, yeah, this is getting
pretty chaotic.

I've learned my lesson.

Can you guys go hang out
in the afterlife or whatever?

‐Shut the...
‐Shut the [bleep] up, Gary!

Hot Dog:
We say when this is over.

Mirren: And now,
our time amongst the animals

draws to a bittersweet end.

But don't worry about your old
pal, Dame Helen Mirren.

I've got a new gig lined up.

Two enterprising antelopes
pitched me an idea

for a television series.

So get this ‐‐ We take footage
of humans while they're chewing,

and we add in animal sounds
so it looks like the people

are making the noises
the animals normally make.

[ Laughing ]
Doesn't that sound funny?

I mean, well, sort of.

Jerry, would you like to join me
on this new adventure?

Jerry: Absolutely.
I'd be honored.

Splendid.
You'll be taking a pay cut.

The natural world has given us
so much along this journey.

But there is still
so much we can learn,

as long as we remember
to lean and listen...

when nature calls.

♪♪

[ Smoke detector
beeping steadily ]

Marten: Aw, sh**t,
that's a bad sound.

Oh, boy.

Okay, slow beep just means
"low battery," right?

I can just, uh,
press the, um...

[ Beeping continues ]

God, that's a bad sound.

Why do they make it sound like
it's inside your brain?

How do I ‐‐ Maybe I could
throw something at it?

Poke it with a, like,
a broom handle?

[ Rapid beeping ]

Gaaaaah!
I don't think that's good.

Faster, louder beep is probably
urgent and not good.

I guess I should dig up the
manual from the junk drawer.

Good Lord, what a hassle.

[ Sighs ]

[ Car alarm blaring ]

Wait, what the [bleep]

What's happening?!

Hey! Hey!

Hello!

Hey, you! Hey!

[ Blaring stops ]
Bird: Oh.

Oh, my gosh, are ‐‐
are you shouting at me?

I'm so sorry.

This is where I come
to practice

different
awful alarm sounds.

Is it bothering you?

Yes, it's bothering me.

I thought you were
a smoke alarm,

then I thought you were a car.

Really?
Because I was actually trying

to make the sound
of a voovoozella

from a European
football match.

[ Vuvuzela blows ]

Oh, for the love of God.

It's vuvuzela!