01x04 - Ian & Lamar

[bunniefuu]

(soft music)

- Would you rather if I had

dicks where my n*pples are

or a vag*na for a mouth?

- [Lamar] Jesus, Ian!

- [Ian] Don't think.

- Um, would it be shaved?

- Not necessarily.

- Nip dicks, I guess.

- Would you rather Donatella

Versace's face on my body

or my face on Donna's body?

- Ah,

I don't know.

Your face, her body.

- Why?

- I don't know, it's a stupid

question.

- If you had to choose,

would you rather have sex with

me

or a wealthy middle-aged

spinster?

- Okay, what's this about?

- I'm just curious.

- You. Obviously.

Right now, you.

- But at another time, you

might like to be with Linda,

even prefer it?

(romantic music)

- (chuckles) Where is this

going?

You getting jealous?

- (chuckles) I mean, I, I just

turned 30,

so on one hand I am getting

closer

to the demographic you seem to

like,

but on the other hand, I have

a, I have a p*nis attached

to my body and I, I wonder if

that's a, if that's a problem.

- Are you having a midlife

crisis?

- Midlife?

- Well, yeah, like 30, right?

- [Ian] (chuckles) 30 is not

midlife.

- It's not?

I don't know (chuckles).

- [Ian] I guess I just

wanna know what this is,

like what we are.

- We are

us,

two dudes, one bed,

and a lovely Delores down the

hall.

- And Linda.

Do you wish I had a p*ssy?

- What? No!

- It wouldn't have to be on my

face.

- Still, no.

- Would you rather my

butthole or Linda's butthole?

I'm talking apples to apples

here.

- I'm not doing this, no.

(Ian groans)

(soft music)

(Lamar groans softly)

(Lamar groans loudly)

So you would be okay if I died?

- Ah, Jesus, Ian!

The hell is wrong with you?

(Lamar sighs loudly)

Come here, look at me.

You are not gonna die

because you're turning 30,

and I'm not gonna leave you

'cause I'm f*cking someone else.

You need to stop with that sh*t.

It's not cute, okay?

- I'm sorry.

- It's fine.

- (sighs) This isn't me.

- I hope not.

I'm just feeling a bit needy.

And I know that if I

died, you'd be devastated.

- I would.

- You'd probably have trouble

moving on.

- Yeah, I'd probably be quite

distraught.

- You'd probably stop dating men

and women

altogether for a while.

- Yeah, probably for a while.

- Maybe even years.

- Ian, no more!

- I'm sorry.

No, where you going?

- I'm gonna go to the

bathroom and jerk off,

and then I'm gonna go downstairs

and have some ice cream.

Is that okay with you?

- Whatever.

(soft music)

(soft music continues)

- Lamar,

am I enough for you?

- You're plenty, old man.

(door squeaks)

(Ian sighs)

(tap running)

(My Little Trouble by Love

London plays)

(door squeaks)

(music intensifies)

(Ian groans)

You have hands that

work themselves into me ♪

And now they're the only ones

I feel ♪

But when I wonder about

the others from before ♪

Push a little harder ♪

And I only love you more ♪