01x03 - Part 3: Relationships

[bunniefuu]

Here's a bad reason,

but a very popular reason

to get into a relationship

Is you're lonely.

Don't ever do that.

It's much better to be

laying in bed lonely

by yourself, listening

to the faucet drippin',

than to be laying next to

somebody you have no feelings for,

thinking sh*t like, well, what

if she gets into a car accident?

You know? What if an asteroid

just hits her side of the bed?

What if I fake my own death?

What if I do my own death?

I was in relationships, and

I'd be thinking that for years.

I'd be sitting there going, "Hey,

oh, the turkey's, oh, delicious,"

as I'm thinking

about k*lling myself.

Every relationship I was ever

in, Jesus Christ, apologizing,

just backing up, backing up,

backing up, backing up.

You're in goal line D the entire

time you're in the f*cking relationship.

When's the last time you took

out the f*cking trash? You know?

You take the bag

out of the f*cking garbage bag.

That's not taking it out.

That's setting it aside.

Ooh, you tied it

off. Look at you.

You know, so always listen

to that voice.

Whenever you're thinking

about k*lling yourself,

that means you're not happy.

[funky synth rock instrumental]

[static]

Please, let another doc do this.

He was practically too

embarrassed to ask me for a ride.

How do you think

Bonnie and Stu will feel

knowing their neighbor let

someone else take care of their son?

Jeffrey, come on.

Honey, it's gonna be fine.

Knock, knock.

Hey, Mark. How you doing, buddy?

[sighs, whispers] God dammit.

He's, a, uh, neighbor kid,

family friend.

Can't you get someone else

to do this, Dr. Robinson?

Please call me Jeffrey, and

I am way better at this than I was cooking

those burgers on Labor Day weekend.

- All right?

[gloves squeak]

Nothing to be embarrassed about.

I'm just gonna put two fingers

up there and grab whatever it is

- that's bothering you.

- [exhales]

Everybody experiments,

okay? So

You know, Doctor,

I think I'm okay.

- No.

- I'm gonna be all right. It's

It's gonna be fine, Mark,

okay? [Sighs]

We've been neighbors for a

long time. I've seen this butt before.

There you go. You're gonna feel

a little bit of pressure.

It's gonna be a

little cold, and

[groans]

Okay. Whoa, that is sharp, huh?

- And here it is.

- [groans]

- [squish]

- [exhales] There we go.

[suspenseful music]

CAROLYN: Baby?

♪♪♪

I can explain.

[Mark exhales deeply]

♪♪♪

[moody ballad]

♪♪♪

When they find

we're so close ♪

I'll be standing

by the stairs and I ♪

I'm ready to implode ♪

Ready to disown ♪

♪♪♪

And the curtain

shall come down ♪

People clap and start

to frown and you ♪

So dark and insincere ♪

Whisper in my ear ♪

♪♪♪

And if I scream out ♪

Secret thoughts

that drag you down ♪

I don't wanna be a thorn

in your side no more ♪

♪♪♪

I pray to the god of frail ♪

I'm on my way ♪

I pray ♪

For judgment day ♪

♪♪♪

I pray ♪

To the god of the frail ♪

I'm on my way ♪

I pray ♪

For judgment day ♪

♪♪♪

I pray ♪

To the god of the frail ♪

I'm on my way ♪

I pray ♪

For judgment day ♪

♪♪♪

For judgment day ♪

[song ends]

[static]

Here's Here's why I f*cked up.

You know, like 30 years ago,

way back when I was, you know,

still in high school,

this new chick moved to town.

I swear to God, I looked at her,

I had a heart attack.

I mean, I was thunderstruck. I

immediately fell in love with her.

You know? And of course,

it didn't work out,

and I thought about her every

f*cking day for the next 25 years.

So one day I'm in a bar, and

I'm telling my buddy about it.

And he goes,

"Oh, yeah, she broke your heart?

She broke up with you?"

I said, "No."

And he goes,

"Oh, did you break up with her?"

And I said, "No."

I go, "I never even

talked to her."

And he just starts

f*cking laughing.

He's going, "Wait a minute.

Some chick broke your heart

that you never even talked to?"

And I was like, "Yeah,"

and he's just crying laughing,

punching the bar,

and I'm like, "What?"

He goes, "Buddy, if you never

even talked to her,

for all you know,

she could've been a c**t."

And I never thought

about her again.

So my point is, if you see some

woman, and she makes your heart stop,

you gotta go up

and take an at-bat.

You know? You gotta find out

if she's a c**t or not.