03x05 - Society of Swords

[bunniefuu]

Hmm. Interesting. Hmmm!

King Shlub,

I am going to need you
to make a decision.

Hold on, Viscera.

You're a very good
chief of staff,

but I want to get this right.

Mmm. Aha!

Finally, something
I can sink my teeth into.

The breakfast pasteli, please.

Oh! I want that too!

No, I want it.
But I want four.

I'm not taking
breakfast orders.

I need to know
if we're releasing

any surplus grain
to aid the struggling farmers.

Well, then
who is taking breakfast orders?

You know
who's not getting breakfast?

Our farmers.

If we use the surplus
grain stores...

Potatoes!
I want potatoes too.

The chopped up ones,

not the skinny whole long ones.

Those ones are creepy,

like I'm sucking
on a witch's toe.

Wanted a challenging job,

but easy has its perks as well.
One more thing.

King Chadalus and Queen Nanini
of the city of Dilpholus

wish to visit and welcome
both of you to the royal fold.

Both of us?
The royal fold?

Is that the part
between my butt and my...

It's a great opportunity

to expand our royal circle.

Sound like a couple
of jerks to me.

I love a good circle.

Especially
when it involves jerks.

Never-ending social obligations,
countless decisions.

No, no, I do not miss
being in charge of a city.

So much more rewarding
being in charge of my own life.

As a matter of fact,

there's a fisherwoman

who's been docking her boat
next to mine,

and today I'm gonna ask her out.

Sounds like a real catch.

Who's next?
A sexy eel?

Please.

My burn was way better,
because it's wordplay.

No, mine was,

because it makes you think
of an eel in a sexy dress.

Say whatever you want,
but she's beautiful, capable,

and she will be mine

when she sees how independent
and mature I am.

Here you go, Ty.

Fluffed, folded,
and spritzed with sage.

Nothing?
Nope.

Can't waste any energy
on burning you.

I'm trying to stare
this little guy down.

No way I'm breaking
eye contact first.

Not everything
is a competition, Stupe.

That's what a guy

who loses competitions
would say.

That's the
stupidest thing I've ever heard.

I've heard way stupider.

Presenting King Chadalus
and Queen Nanini

of the city of Dilpholus.

Nah, bring it in.
I'm a humper.

Ha! I like your style.

It would seem
I've made a new friend.

This flawless specimen
is my wife, Deliria.

You can leave
your sandals on.

We don't do
the hippie barefoot nonsense.

Bear? Where?

There's no bear, dear.
I'm sorry.

Did you hear the word "barefoot"

and assume I was alerting you
to the presence of a bear?

I like presents.

Deliria,
my new friend Chadalus and I

need to discuss king business.

Would you mind
giving Queen Nanini a tour?

Oh, I've never owned a tour.

Fine, I do have
one minor chore to do,

but you can tag along.

Now the men can be men.

Is this the chore?

Yes,
it was already scheduled

and you wouldn't believe
the amount of tuna

it takes to rebook these guys.

Here, have an olive or something
while you wait.

Oh my! You're a goddess?

Of course.
You haven't heard of me?

I don't think so.

Surely the god
or goddess of your city

must know me.
We don't have a god.

You don't have a god?
Never saw the need.

Every city needs a god.

Sparta has Aries,
Thebes has Dionysus,

those poor fools
in Athens have Athena.

You simply must have a god.

Well,
we've got everything we need.

People, and animals,
and plants, and dirt.

Dirt?
Oh, lots of dirt.

We keep it on the ground.

Oh, my dear friend Nanini,

the things I could do
with your dirt.

You came to the right palace.

You know I'm actually
a goddess queen.

Couple eyes, some gills,
and you look good enough to eat.

Oh, she's here.

Got a real fighter here.

Must know he's up against one
of the best fishermen

in Krapopolis.
Huh?

Got him!
You fish, right?

Sure, sometimes.
Me too. Sometimes.

If I'm bored.

Not like I'm obsessed
or anything.

Right.

One day
we should do it together.

Fishing, I mean.
Plenty of fish in the sea.

I sure hope so.

I wonder what that meant.

She's not interested.

Viscera,
what are you doing here?

Watching you fail.

You're never failing
when you're sailing.

That's a thing
us boat people say.

Listen, I need your help
with the city.

Your dad refuses to engage

in anything unrelated
to eating or drinking.

Sorry, Viscera.
I'm out of the city game.

I'm a carefree bachelor now.

Yeah, woman-free too.
I'll make you a deal.

You give me advice
on dealing with your dad

and I'll help you
with your love life.

If you're going to suggest

I wear a deeper V-deck,
I already tried it

and it didn't work.

And so there I was,

pretending to be in the middle
of telling a story,

and having just reached
the punchline.

You're kidding!

Then I said
something else,

referring to the story
I didn't even tell.

And it had all been a way
for me to cover up

a quickly building
and apparently one-sided sense

of extreme dislike.

Wow. You know,

I expected this to be
a typical king-to-king intro.

"Nice kingdom, nice crown.

"Here's a drink
I swear I didn't poison,"

but you are a riot.

I just want
to follow you around all day.

Ah, well.

Shlub,
I have sort of a society.

One that I like to keep secret.

We like to call it a clandestine
organization whose activities,

events, and membership
are concealed from non-members.

There must be a quicker way
to say that.

No, not really.
Anyway, you'd love it.

It's just a noble group of kings

who get cross-eyed drunk
and talk crap about our wives.

I'd love for you to join.

I must say I'm honored,

but anyone who needs
a special group, place,

or reason to get hammered
is missing the whole point.

I must refuse.

Darn. Well,
I had to sh**t my shot, huh?

Same.
Often four or five times a day.

Oh, I wish
you could stay, Nanini.

But a queen's work
is never done.

But somehow
we will make it fun.

Ugh.
All right. Anyway.

Shlub, if you change your mind,

we call ourselves
the "Society of Swords."

Bye, Nanini.

Was she talking to you?
Why would you have to buy me?

We're already married.

What was he talking about?

Society of Swords?

He wants me to join
his stupid men's group.

Oh, Shlub,
you absolutely must.

Oh?

I need
to get in tight with Nanini.

Their city doesn't have a god,

and her incredible stupidity
will make it easy

for me to snatch up the role.

You join his boy's club

while I become goddess
of her city.

I don't know.
He's a bit awful.

Pretend you like him.
Women do it all the time.

If you do, I might turn
into an anteater

and do that tongue thing
you love.

No need to bribe me
with sex, my love.

If it's important to you,
I'll join his club

and teach them
all how to really drink.

Oh, thank you, dear.

You know, I was going
to be the thirsty anteater,

regardless.

I'll get the honey
and fruit juice.

Remember, lime juice stings!

King Shlub!

I brought my home brew,
Shlub Steel.

It's similar to Shlub Light,
but less taste, more liquor.

So glad you came alone.

My wife insisted.

She's spending time with yours,
in fact.

Well, those two bags of gas

can keep each other occupied.

Free us up to do our thing.

Like drink.
Yeah.

And complain about our wives.

Of course.

And I know the answer to this,
but just to be clear,

you just out and out
despise all women.

Is that the general vibe?

No, I wouldn't say
I despise women.

We just appreciate men.

Ah, dirty and fun.
I like it.

What? No, no!
We're only attracted to women.

Yet you shun them
from your club.

We like them

for certain
very specific things,

you know what I mean?
Ah, yes, I see.

Clumsy me. Let me fly home
and get you another.

Oh! What is that?

You don't know
what birds are?

Never seen one?

Oh, Deliria?

I transform
into animals.

Oh! Is that a bird too?
Chirp, chirp.

Yes, well,
I stopped by to talk about

your whole not having
a goddess thing.

Is it good to have a goddess?

Well, I'm happy
to give you a demonstration

if you'd show me around.

Oh, I don't know if I can.

Yes, I can!

That's a round. That's a yellow.

Deliria!

Hello, Nanini. Deliria.
Quick chat in the clouds.

He's a pig.
In fact, he's worse than a pig.

He's like scallops
if they taste it bad.

I can't do it, Deliria.

You must keep trying.
I need more time with Nanini.

I thought she was an idiot,

but now I'm wondering
if there's more to it.

To get in
with those scallop men,

I'd have to tarnish
your good name.

And not in the fun

"you've been a bad girl"
type way.

Oh, you have been a bad girl.

Why did I think
that would work?

Shlub,
if you can't even pretend

to be cross with me,

I'm going to have
to meddle with your mind.

Oh, with magic?

I'm going to make you think

I did something last summer
that you absolutely hated.

Hated?
Well, that's hard to imagine.

I cannot believe
what you did last summer!

Perfect.

Sorry again for earlier.

Now it seems so silly
pretending to be a fisherman

when all I really needed
to do was be--

Rich!

I was going to say--
I was gonna say "myself," but.

Uh, yeah. Rich!

I'm the one who should be
apologizing, by the way.

I thought you were a weird,
pathetic loser,

when really you're an endearing,
eccentric, rich guy.

Oh, we should do a makeover.

The Persians are doing
crazy things with armbands.

Are your ears pierced?
Uh...

Why don't you
think about it

while I grab another bottle
of wine, Prince Ty?

I love it.

So my advice worked.

Viscera!

All you gotta do
is be honest.

Cannibals
always tell it straight.

Our food appreciates it.
Your advice worked, too.

Do what's best
for the city

behind my dad's back

and tell him he made
the decision while blacked out?

Hasn't failed yet.

Especially
because he's off getting wasted.

Oh, gotta go. My date's here.

Date?
Oh, who's the lucky--?

You're on a date with Scott?

It's a platonic
strategic date.

I need him on my side
in the palace.

Hey, Ty!
And hello, Viscera.

You look lovely.

I brought you two lizards,

but I think one of them
might be a snake?

Oh, Scott,
I eat humans.

That doesn't mean
I eat everything.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, I mean,
I'll eat them.

I'm just saying.

This is a great spot
for my temple.

Bit small, but if you
can't build out, build up.

I don't understand.
We have to build up?

I thought we already had up.

You can't be this dumb.
What?

Oh, it's obviously an act.

But what I keep going back
and forth about is why.

I can't figure it out.
What do you get out of it?

What do I
duh-dow-duh-dit? Uh...

Ugh, whatever.

Look, your city needs a goddess,

and I need the adoration
of terrified mortals.

Now, I am quite busy,

but I'd be willing
to lord over your city

in exchange
for complete devotion, a statue,

and renaming
the city to Deliridonia.

That's the first draft.
We can discuss.

But how can a god
possibly help?

Seriously?

Ay, ay, ay!
Another broken wheel.

Queen Nanini,
you must do something

about these nameless holes
in the road.

They're so big you could fit
an entire pot in them.

Oh, dear.

If only there were
an all-powerful goddess around.

Oh, look, there happens
to be one right here.

Whoa! Thank you.

No further complaints
or questions.

He might not have
any complaints, but I do.

This goat here
keeps seducing me.

I'm hungry.
Holy crap, I can talk.

Oh, gross.
I'm free!

Well?
Oh, you're thirsty?

Yeah, we got one of those.

I can make
my nightly rounds

while still staring you down.

I've been inventing
this whole time.

Hand catapult!

Well,
I'm gonna lead my troops

while still staring
at your fishy little face.

If any one of you guys
is slacking off,

get back to work!

Oh, it enraged me.

How could my wife do something
like that?

Go on, Shlub.
You're safe here.

You can tell us what she did.
You know, it's funny.

When I try to recall
the specifics,

I'm too overwhelmed
with self-righteous indignation.




Yes, I hear you.

My wife couldn't cook
a decent meal to save her life.

And, well, she didn't.

Sometimes I have deep regrets
for what I did.

I never knew how much
I needed the company

of disgruntled men
misplacing their aggression.

That's what we do best!

I got the best bottles
they had and put it on your tab.

What are you staring at?

Me? No one. Nothing.
Lost in thought.

Hey!
You trying to steal my rich guy?

Keep your eyes
where I can see them.

Lady,
if I wanted your rich guy,

it would be on a platter

with sautéed garlic
and garbanzo beans.

And you?
You we'd feed to the livestock.

All right.
Misunderstanding.

Don't mind us. Have fun.

Wow. She's aggressive.

Oh, yeah.
And capable, and smart.

Aw.
Sounds like you really like her.

But you're with me right now, remember?

Oh, yes. Right. Sorry.

Now, I want to know
more about you.

Tell me about yourself.

Really? All right.

What's the most expensive
thing you ever bought?

k*ll it!
k*ll it! k*ll it!

King Shlub,

you stand on the sacred grounds
of The Society of Swords.

Oh, I get it now.

The swords represent
our manly parts.

No. Well, yes.
Let me finish, please.

Do you swear
to put your fellow kings

above all else?

Or, in other words,

hoes are secondary
in importance to the bros.

Hoes are secondary
in importance to the bros!

Uh, yes. Yes, I do.

Do you swear
to be the man of the house,

dictating what the women
in your life can and can't do?

Uh, sure. Yeah, yes. Yes.

Do you swear never,

ever to pleasure your wife

without same-session
reciprocation?

Not even in the morning?

Can I pleasure anyone else?

Swear it, Shlub!

What is wrong
with you people?

I don't swear
any of that garbage.

Excuse me?

My wife Deliria
has given me everything.

Unconditional love, a family,
a special kind of gonorrhea,

that just makes me healthier
and more confident.

I would never be a part
of your ridiculous club.

And I'm taking this back.

No!

If Deliria
is as uppity as you,

I forbid her from spending
time with my wife.

My wife will do
whatever she damn well pleases.

Goodbye.
Or should I say, terrible bye.

Put limits
on pleasuring my wife.

Absolute madness!

Who are you people?

They love
the wine fountain.

They love the pita benches.
They love me.

So make me the official goddess.

Build me a temple
and I'll leave.

Whoa!
You can turn into leaves too?

That doesn't even make sense.

Will you drop
this dumb queen bit?

Have you given
more thought

about me as your city's--

Deliria?
What are you doing here?

Me? What on Earth,
literally, are you doing here?

Party God here
for his new city.

You two get out of here.

I've been working
on this city for weeks.

I'm back!
Oh, everyone's here.

Hi, Deliria.

I see what you're up to.

Playing dumb
to get sympathy so us gods

will bend over backwards
for you.

But wouldn't that
hurt your back?

Ugh. This b*tch.

I stumbled
on this city a while back

and put rims
on all her margarita glasses.

She told me to keep coming back

and maybe one day
I could be the official god.

Hi, Deliria.

I'm not leaving
without this city.

I made your horses faster.

I gave everyone a cool haircut.

I see you.

I just have salt.
But I got a lot of it.

Please, we must be civil.

So I'll just k*ll you all
and take the city for myself.

This is ridic--Ack!

Oof.
Oof.

Hey, I didn't say
start yet.

Salt hands.

Ouch, that stings!

Sorry, sorry.
Hi, by the way.

I said hi earlier
and you didn't say it back.

Oh, yes.
This screams "prince."

Can't wait to see it.

And I won't.
Excuse me.

Gotta find
a shiny piece of metal.

Scott ate a snake.
How's your date going?

It's a nightmare.

Yeah, I'm realizing

maybe I don't want
Scott on my side.

Where can I find
someone like you?

Someone who doesn't care
about silly things.

Someone driven, smart,
beautiful, amazing.

And this is all
like me, you said?

Like you doesn't mean
I'm describing you.

Just a sort of similar,
general vibe.

Oh, I see.
So not like me, but similar.

Right. You get it.

Not you, but close... to you.

Got most of him.

Oh no. Darn.
That's just a stick.

You think I'm eating
too many sticks?

Ty, got us a ride. Hop on.

Great. My preferred
method of transportation.

Enjoy your night,
but not too much.

See you, Ty. Oh!

You can pay these guys, right?

Cause I can't. And I won't.

You're not gonna
fight for my city?

I didn't come here
to fight.

I came for low-hanging fruit.

Oh, I like watermelon too.

Enough!
What are you doing?

Are you dumb?
What is your thing?

I have lots,
and lots, and lots of things.

Hairbrushes, sandals,
some seashells--

I can do this all day.

If you are just dumb,
I do feel bad.

You don't deserve this.

But if you're smart,

that means your plan
was to dangle your city

like a carrot
in front of a bunch of gods,

which also makes you dumb.

Ugh! I'm smart, okay?
I'm incredibly smart.

But you think
my dolt of a husband

wants a smart wife? No!

So I do this.
Oh, what's a "dolt?"

And I get to live in a palace
and be a queen.

I did this so my husband

would have to actually be king
and rebuild this place

instead of gallivanting
behind my back.

Are you happy?

No, not especially.

I've lost interest,
if I'm being perfectly honest.

No! My closet!

Deliria,
I couldn't do it.

It was awful.

The things they made me promise
not to do.

I am sorry.

It's me who owes an apology.

I was so driven by this woman
and her city

that I made you compromise
your very core.

I always enjoy
our apology foreplay games,

darling.

But this one
really is the ticket.

"My very core." Say it again.

I made you compromise
your very core.

Mmm!

We learned a valuable lesson.

Did we?

When presented
with an obligation,

avoid it at all costs.

Well, we knew that.

Hello there, friend.

How was the rest of your night?

Did you two almost kiss?

Dad!
Ha! I can always tell.

What day is it?

Hello, my darling dearest.

How was your time at the club?

My--my city!

No, your club.
Your special club.

Isn't that what it's called?
A club?

Did you have fun
with your friends?

What happened here?
How did this--?

I don't understand.

Oh, I guess you're going to have
to clean it up.

There is good news, too.
We have our very own god now.

Hello. Salt here.
God of Salt.

Oh, boy,
we got a lot of work to do, huh?

Got to be honest.

It's my first city,

so I'm going to be stumbling
through it.

Also, all I can really do
is salt.

So maybe I can make
some buildings out of salt,

or at least some statues
out of salt.

No, looks like no.

I'm here for moral support,
though, if you need it.

And if you need salt,
for any reason,

oh boy, you came
to the right place.

He doesn't talk much, does he?

Did you get any of that?