01x07 - The Grift of the Magi

[bunniefuu]

Welcome.

I am Circuit.

I have been instructed to wish
you all Season's Greetings.

This hat is also not my choice

but I am told it
makes me look festive.

What ever that means.

Anyway, please enjoy this

special Christmas instalment

of Nebula-75.

We interrupt your regularly
scheduled programming

for breaking news

The Nebula-75, a deep-space

exploratory vessel, launched

from Earth earlier this year,

has been reported as missing.

Contact with the ship was lost
earlier this evening

after it made contact with,
what is being reported as

an unknown energy build up.

Uniquely, the Nebula-75 is crewed
largely by civilian volunteers,

and led by trained astronaut,
Commander Ray Neptune.

Though many of these recruits are
leaders in their field

a question remains:

Were they sufficiently trained to
handle, what appears to have been,

a major, and unexpected incident,
so far from Earth?

Investigations are ongoing, and we
at home can only hope, and pray,

that the crew of Nebula-75
are safe and well.

For the ATV News Network,

I'm Juliette Destiny.

Goodnight.

'Twas the night
before Christmas

and across the stars a
spaceship had travelled

far, far beyond Mars.

This wasn't the evening
the crew had expected

but their commander maintained
it should not go neglected.

A little to the left, Circuit.

Er, no, a little to the right.

Now up a bit.

That's it! Hold
it right there!

♫ It's Gin Time
in the east! ♫

I think that's about as good a picture
as we could possibly hope for.

It's not often the stars align
and we can pick up a signal from home

And just in time, too.

Hello, this is
Juliette Destiny

live from London, where all is

uncharacteristically calm.

Calmed perhaps by
the knowledge tomorrow

all the troubles
of the year

may be put to one
side in celebration

of Christmas Day.

Ah, Christmas.

Makes you feel all warm inside,
doesn't it?

Negative!

Core temperature at regulation

100 degrees Fahrenheit.

Er, that's the spirit!

Later on today there
will be an address

by the World President,
direct from Nuclear City.

The Presidential Palace looks
particularly striking this year

decked out not only with
Christmas trees, but covered

in an unexpected
scattering of snow

after a freak weather system swapped
the usually arid desert climate

for a wintery one.

Up next we'll be
bringing you Carol's

direct from the children
on Lunar Colony 7.

But first, a word
from our sponsors.

♫ Banana Mellows!
Banana Mellows! ♫

You can relax now,
thanks Circuit.

Well, I for one think
that broadcast`

will have done us all
the world of good.

It made home feel
an awful lot closer.

Yeah, at a time when we're
all missing it the most.

What would you usually be doing this
Christmas Eve, Lieutenant?

Hmm. Right about now,

I think a hot cup of cocoa and a
roaring fire would be in order.

But, not this year.

No, but there is something I thought
we could do to mark the season.

Oh?

Well, I've asked Circuit
to plot a new course.

This route will take us
past an ice planet, you see?

And I thought we could, well,

have ourselves a white Christmas!

Just like the ones we used to know?

I think that's a wonderful
gesture, Commander.

And I suppose you had something to do
with this too, Circuit?

Negative!

This diversion will add 1.67 days

to total voyage duration.

But it is Christmas!

Irrelevant!

Thank you Mr. Scrooge!

This was all going
to be a surprise,

but I think the crew
could use another boost.

Feel free to spread the word.

Aye aye, sir!

With hope in their hearts

the crew spread good cheer.

Despite their location,
Christmas was here.

And alone in his room

thinking of good times past

Neptune delivered
a festive broadcast.

Ah!
Another log entry filed.

Maybe I'll record a message for
mom and dad, while I'm at it.

Hi mom, hi dad, it's me.

I hope you're doing alright, and
I'm sorry I can't be with you right now.

Things are fine up here, I think.

We've been out in space so long

that the days have a tendency
to blend into one another,

but not lately.

The crew have tried their best to hide
their pining for the festive season

these last few weeks.

But just the other day I
caught sight of Lieutenant Mercury

attempting to fashion a
makeshift Christmas tree

out of spare engine parts

and some of Circuit's
surplus eye lights.

He, for one, is in sore need
of some festive magic.

I do hope a little snow will
bring them all some happiness.

They certainly deserve it.

But, well, it's still not the same
as being home around the dinner table

with the ones we love.

Say, what's that?

Proximity alert.

Vessel detected.

It looks like her
engines are down.

This is Commander Ray
Neptune of Nebula-75

to unidentified vessel.

Do you require assistance?

This is Captain
Broadacre of the

medical ship Harrison.

Everything is in hand.

Are you sure?

From what I can see
here it looks like

your ship is dead in the water.

Oh, we are.

But it's all part
of the plan.

You see we crossed
paths with a representative

of the Regional Orphans
Benevolent Society.

Er, regional?

And they were in
a spot of bother.

Their engines were
malfunctioning

and they had a vital consignment of
vaccines to deliver, pronto.

Our systems happened
to be compatible

so I suggested a loan of
the relevant parts.

We're here to help,
after all!

The Regional... Orphans...
Benevolent... Society?

No such organisation.

You mean, they've
been duped, Circuit?

Oh no, no!

I'm sure that's
not the case.

They assured me that
they'd be back in

well...

Is there any way you
could boost your signal?

I'm not receiving a picture.

Oh no, you wouldn't.

They requested
our camera too.

To fix their engines?

No, no, to...
Oh my.

You don't think they
were lying, do you?

I've no idea, Captain.

But I intend to find out.

And so one by one

the crew took to
their station

to track down the source
of this festive vexation.

With great skill and care

they searched through
the confusion.

Until the good doctor
announced his conclusion.

From what we have
ascertained

these unidentified criminals
have been at this for days now.

Fooling ship upon ship
into simply handing over

their most valuable items.

And at Christmas!

Christmas is irrelevant
to the crime.

Er, thank you Judge Jeffries!

No, she's right, Circuit.

What sort of devious,

immoral, despicable fiends,

would scam good
people like this?

Now,

didn't I tell you that
I was going to make you

one happy little orphan
this Christmas?

But deary, I'm not an orphan!

I wish you were.

- What was that?
- Oh, nothing dear!

Anyway, I was just thinking

all of this loot and we've
barely had to lift a finger.

People just hand it over willingly!

Yes. Christmas does seem to bring
out the side I most enjoy in people.

They come over all,

oh, what's the word?

Charitable?

Gullible!

Yes.

Though I did have a thought.

First time for everything!

Hmm. Very droll.

No, I was thinking that if you
were to keep this captain chappy

occupied with your... charm?

Good old Chris Kringle here can nip
over and fill up his sack on the sly.

Being handed loot is all
well and good but, well,

I do miss the thrill of good,
old fashioned, theft!

One has a message incoming.

Aha!

Here we go!

Follow my lead, dear.

I've already laid the groundwork.

Captain!

Thank heavens you've arrived!

We came as soon as we
received your message.

Sounds like you're
in a real jam!

I'll say!

The problem is we have all
these wonderful pressies

for the poor little, orphans...

...yes, orphans, but our
engines have let us down.

Aw. Well,

if there's any way that we
on the Doolittle can help?

Oh, you're too kind, really.

But, if you insist,

perhaps you could deliver
them on our behalf?

And I dare say there may be a
gift or two for you as well.

After all, we're delivering to
those in need and, well,

you look particularly
needy to me.

Well!

I could hardly say no to
Mr. and Mrs. Santa Clause!

You just sit tight!

Doolittle out!

Right, let's guarantee
ourselves a yuletide

with all the trimmings!

Now, what's say you come
and sit on Santa's knee

and tell him what you
want for Christmas?

Oh!

The mince pies
and brandy are out

and finally we can all
relax by a roaring fire.

All across the world,
and perhaps the universe,

everyone is starting to settle in
for a quiet night before Christmas.

Something to report, Doc.?

Good news, I hope?

Well, ja und nein.

The good news is that one of
the few remaining cameras

on board the ransacked vessel

has yielded an image
of our suspects.

And the bad news?

Take a look for yourself.

The Menteurs!

So that's where they've got to!

I wonder where they'll
strike next?

What did I tell you?

The best haul yet!

Hey! Stop! Come back!
That wasn't the deal!

We need that equipment!
Please!

I'm afraid the crew of the
Doolittle will be able to do,

well, very little!

Who's next on the list?

h*, h*, h*. Just
one more to go.

Be a dear and set course for the last
of our good space samaritans.

Solstice to
Commander Neptune.

Just the Lieutenant
I wanted to see!

Have you come up with anything?

Yes, sir!

I think our latest report
from the Doolittle

has cleared things up.

The pattern the thieves
are striking isn't random.

They're targeting the
most isolated vessels

in this patch of space.

Lieutenant Mercury and I think we know
where they're likely to head next.

And, by our estimation,
there is, fortunately,

one likely victim.

Fortunately?

Well...

♫ Any Old Iron? Any Old Iron? ♫

♫ For money, money, money! ♫

♫ And here's the chap
who'll buy that scrap ♫

♫ old iron, for money! ♫

Well, yeah, of course,

I'll be happy to help
out the little tykes!

I mean, it is Christmas!

Spiffing!

I can't tell you
what a happy smile

this is going to put
on the face of my wi...

...I mean, the orphans!

I'll set meself a course and take
a look through what I've got to offer

on the way over to you.

Marvellous!

I mean, you don't
look the sort of chap

that would have
anything of interest

but, well, one never knows.

Anyway, see you soon!
Over and out.

He's only gone
and hung up, guv'nor!

He's only gone and hung up!

And on the twelfth
day of Christmas

my true love gave to me...

Another great big, stinking haul
from another festive chump!

You know, I never get tired of
the oblivious look on their faces

when they haven't got
a clue what's in store!

Well! Thanks for
cluing me in, guv'nor!

Close call, though!

Cor!

The depths to which the so
called upper classes will sink, eh?

I can't believe the list of
pilfered gear you sent over.

Poor ripped off
little blighters!

I'm happy to help Rusty,

but I was wondering whether
you might be able to assist us?

Anything you need,
I'm at your command.

What's first?

Oh, I'm not sure.

Whatever it is, I sense we're
going to have to play the Menteurs

at their own wicked game!

I wonder?

Wonder what, Doc.?

Ja.

If these stolen
components were to...

Yes! Yes!

That might work!

Tell me, Rusty!

Do you happen to be
in possession of a

C3679B oscillator?

Yeah. Might do. Why?

What have you got in...

Oh!

Oh yeah!

I see where you're
coming from!

I don't know what you
have in mind, gentlemen,

but, er,

it sounds suitably devious!

Okay. The little woman has
gone to powder her nose.

Now, what's all this about
wanting to chat mano-a-mano?

Well, you know,
I always think men have

more of an 'ead for business.

Don't you?

Oh, certainly.

But what I was
thinking of was less,

business, shall we say,

and more in the line
of a charitable donation.

Wish I could help you,
guv'nor. Wish I could help you.

But times is hard, you see?

Got nothing to spare.

Now, if you wanted to trade?

Oh, no, we're not
in the market to trade.

Ew.

We're just a poor,
sweet, humble charity.

Well, you see, a trade would
really help keep the engines running

and the lights on
over Christmas, guv'nor.

Not sure what I've got here that would
be of interest to you, though.

I mean, I've got, well,

a C3679B oscillator, but, nah.

That's only really
of any great value

if you've already got a
Bailey Standard Engine set

a Capra Grade
nuclear reactor

and a Stewart valve!

A C3679B oscillator, and,

why!

I just so happen to
have all of, erm,

er, none of those.

Eh! What was that, squire?

I was just thinking,

that though that oscillator may
be of absolutely no use at all

to someone like me,

maybe we should make
a trade after all?

It is Christmas, and one does
like to help out the working class.

Ever, ever so grateful
to you, guv'nor.

Warms the old bones, it does.

Why,

if my old ma were here now,

I think she'd...

Yes, yes, we get the picture.

We'll be with you soon. Goodbye!

A fine performance, Rusty!

I always fancied myself
as a bit of a thespian.

And you requested the
selection from Doc's list?

Oh yeah, clever fella, that
Doc of yours, ain't he?

I don't think even I'd have
looked at that pile of stuff

and put two and two
together and made three.

Well, you can compliment
him yourself soon enough.

He should be joining you in the Comet
just in advance of our friends the Menteurs.

This little play's not over yet.

Now, here's what
you're going to say.

We've docked with
someone's motor, guv'nor!

We've docked with
someone's motor!

Tally h*, h* h*!

Requesting permission
to come aboard.

Would be my pleasure.

Welcome to me spaceship.

Not much, I know. Not
like your spaceship, but,

well, it's home to me.

How very

rustic.

Right, shall we get to business?

About what we said
before? The, er...

Ah, yes, you mean the, er,

donation?

What?

Oh! Ha ha! Oh yeah,
the donation!

The donation is all ready for
you to load into your cargo bay.

For me to load?

Oh, don't worry! Me lad
will help you out.

'Allo, guv'nor!

I say, haven't we met before?

Um, no.

I don't reckon we've had
the pleasure, old squire,

apples and pears!

Cor blimey, mate!

Well, lead the way.

Do entertain our host
while I'm gone, darling.

The cargo hold is
this way, governor!

Ere!

Now the old man's out the way,

what's say you and I
have a little chinwag?

A chinwag?

Well, I always find it
much more satisfying

doing business with the
female of the species.

Business, you say?

Any word from Rusty, Lieutenant?

Not yet, sir.

Well, I hope we
can pull this off.

I hate to think of
all those ships

stranded, and alone out there.

On tomorrow of all days.

We must meet again sometime!

Well, maybe. Right,

I'm gonna head out.

Merry Christmas to you
and his lordship.

Where are you, my
little lump of coal?

I have a surprise for you!

Ooo! How splendid!

I have one for you too.
But do go first!

Well, thanks to your
incredibly brilliant,

handsome husband's
negotiating skills,

I've been able to improve
upon our little scheme!

Go on!

Our twelfth victim...

You mean that horrible little
dustman we just dealt with?

Hmm, quite.

He didn't seem quite as
co-operative as the rest but

in the course of chatting

he did happen to mention a little
something of great interest!

Useless in and of itself,

but when combined with the loot from
the Doolittle, the Pickering,

the Lerner, the Pearce, the Lerner,
and the Kaparthy,

their value simply skyrockets!

Of course I had to trade him the
remaining loot from the other ships but,

well, that's just chump change now.

Robbed the little champ blind!

You have got to be kidding me!

No, I'm not!

We're onto a winner
with this little beauty!

No! I mean

please tell me you're kidding!

What are you talking about?

I made almost exactly
the same deal

with that common little man!

Well, great minds think alike and all that.
What, what, what, wha...

What?

Well, that's the problem, innit?

He told me that this only
of value if combined

with the loot from the Bret, the Harrison,
the Holloway, the Kukor,

the Loewe, and the Warner!

Please don't tell me you
were stupid enough to...

Traded away everything from the ships
that weren't on your list!

But, but, what does that
leave poor little us with?

I don't know about you,

but I'll tell you what
it leaves me with!

Two useless pieces of scrap,

and a complete and
utter disappointment

of a husband and
business partner!

One has a
message incoming.

Who the devil is that?

Season's greetings!

You!

I just wanted to let you know that
we'll be fulfilling your wish

to distribute your, er,

presents

to the people truly in need.

You mean you're in league with that
rotten little rubbish man?

But where's your
Christmas spirit?

Here:

In spite of all that
you have done

my crew and I wish you
a very merry Christmas.

By the way,

how did you escape last time?

Oh, comprehensive
breakdown cover, old chap.

You should get yourself some!

And a happy new year!

I told you that was a loose end we
shouldn't have left dangling!

Now hang on.

You're just as much a
part of this as I am.

If you weren't so greedy!

Greedy?

Who are you to talk about greedy?

If you had kept your big
bald head out of my business...

I am not bald!

I'm just... receding.

You're deluded,
that's what you are!

Well, if you want to
talk about deluded!

Don't give me any of your lip!

My lip? What about
your big mouth?

My big mouth? My big mouth?

Who do you think...

If you think that you're getting
any kind of a Christmas this year...

And you know what you can do with your
Christmas cr*cker?

I'm going to...

Great work everybody.

The Doc's looked and
everything's accounted for.

Now to get these items back
to their rightful owners.

Lieutenant Mercury?

Please prep the Comet for departure.

Sir?

I'll take care of
returning everything.

If the rest of you head off now,

you might just make it to the
ice planet in time to make a snowman

on Christmas morning.

We'll do no such thing!

I beg your pardon, Lieutenant?

I'm afraid I have to agree, sir.

Christmas day is no
day to be left alone.

Well, I might as well stick around.

The way this stuff was nicked,

well, you never know what might need
refitting with an expert hand.

I'll undock and follow behind.

I could have you all
court martialled for this.

Well, I for one vote we
get on with mutiny,

and return this bounty!

With a mechanical pilot,
so lively and quick,

the ships then raced off
to play as Saint Nick.

The items recovered,
they returned them all,

from engines to trinkets,
no matter how small.

All was now well.
A quite joyous scene.

And Christmas was saved,
or so it would seem.

That was the last of the
drop-offs, Commander.

Thank you, Lieutenant.

That was...

... satisfying!

Now, there's the
Christmas spirit!

Or the closest
robot equivalent.

I think you'll be fine to go about
your usual business now, Rusty.

I can't thank you enough
for your assistance.

Think nothing of it, guv'nor!

I only wish we'd
crossed paths sooner.

Then you could have made to your planet
for Christmas day, and all.

Well, at least we got to play
Father Christmas for a little while.

True enough.

What's next for you, then?
Little night, cap?

No rest for the wicked,
I'm afraid.

I'll have to file all
of this in a report,

and transmit it back home.

'Ome?

'Ow d'you manage that, then?

Oh! A system that
I designed myself

after we found
ourselves out here.

By boosting our short
range transmitter

via the Stellar array, and re-routing
the external energy manifold,

we gained the ability
to send messages

far, far further than the ship
was every designed to do.

Oh!

So you've got two external
energy manifolds, then?

No. Why?

Oh! I'm sorry to have to be the
one to break this to you, gents.

But in that case,
you don't even have one.

It's all smashed in!

Noticed it last time
I ran into you but,

well,

thought you must've known!

Oh, meine gute!

Then that means we haven't been
transmitting for months!

If we ever were in
the first place.

It must have been
damaged at some point,

during our transportation
to this sector of space.

Oh, don't feel too
bad, squire!

There's no way you could've known without
inspecting your gear from the outside.

If my reports haven't been
transmitted all this time

then Earth might not even
know that we're still alive.

Mom!

And dad.

I wish I could help you, squire.

But don't reckon I've got
much of use to you.

No, no. You've done
more than enough for us.

Maybe next year?

And as evening falls

it's time for me to sign off
from the ATV News Network.

Rest assured I'll soon be joining
the millions who are off to bed

wishing that tomorrow may bring
not only those presents we want,

but maybe a white
Christmas too.

Hopefully Santa is out
there somewhere,

ready to bring joy
to the world.

And so to their beds,
the crew sadly took.

And I from my viewpoint
could not bare to just look.

I went straight to my task,
but spoke not a word.

I filled all their stockings,
and never was heard.

This is astounding!

And of course our final thought

for this Christmas day has to
be for those brave men and women

of the spaceship Nebula-75.

Separated from their
home by forces unknown

the entire world has
been united in pride

by the regular reports
we have received

from Commander Ray Neptune.

We can only hope
that somehow

our own Christmas greeting
will reach them in spirit.

My reports!

They've been receiving my reports!

But how?

A Christmas miracle!

Yeah.

A Christmas miracle.

I wonder?

And then last of all

as the party did roar, a special
event that they all had hoped for.

A robot exclaimed,
with his eyes filled with light:

Merry Christmas to all!

And to all a good night!

♫ Robot Man ♫
by Barry Gray

I'm in love with
a robot man

A very special robot man

I switch him on
each night and day

It's such a thrill to
hear him say:

- Robot.
- Baby, I love you

- Robot.
- Baby, I love you

This guy's got everything

He never gets tired or upset

He'll never go cold;
he'll never grow old

And wow, when he kisses me

I take off like a jet!

And if I take this
guy to church

He'll never leave
me in the lurch

The perfect lover I adore

To say to me forevermore:

- Robot.
- Baby, I love you

- Robot.
- Baby, I love you