02x04 - It's a Deal

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music playing]

[growls]

[jaunty music playing]

Charlie, babe,
I think you need to drop this.

Drop what? I'm just trying to clear up
the misinformation about the hotel.

There is no point.
Those f*ck work for Vox.

Katie Killjoy is just gonna do
the same thing that Vees did.

Don't feed into this crap.

Just stay with me today.
And the guests, also the guests.

I know, but I feel like if I explain
myself on live television,

then they won't be able
to edit it like that video!

You know I did not strike Velvette
with an open fist.

[chuckles softly] I'm aware.

So... just keep holding down the fort...
you're doing great by the way...

until Niffty and I get back.

Niffty?

-Hi.
-[screams]

-Okay. Have fun. Love you. Bye.
-[grunts]

-Bye!
-[sighs]

[pensive music playing]

[gasps softly]

[sighs]

[tranquil music playing]

[Cherri scoffs]

f*cking dickhead.

Oh!

Look who it is interrupting this riveting
conversation I was having with...

-who are you again?
-Uh, Angel Dust.

Angel Dust! I knew that.

-[laughs] You're funny.
-What?

You're still here?

-[yawns]
-[duck squeaks]

Someone has to actually help out
around here, Mr. Useless.

[mock laugh] What do you actually do here?

I told you, I'm the host of the hotel.

Huh, I thought that was, uh, I thought
that was Charlie's girlfriend's job,

because she, my friend, is on it
with running this whole hotel...

thing.

[growls]

So you're doing a poor job at that.

Oh, and I hear you got
your a*s kicked and ran away

when Charlie needed you most.

It's a sure good thing I showed up.

-[laughing] Am I right?
-[squeaks]

-This guy knows.
-What?

You...

should use a coaster.

That's it! f*ck this, I quit.

That's it, Bambi, walk away.

[slurps, exclaims] You...

[laughs] You should've moved in sooner.

[Tom Trench] Coming up,
on Katie Killjoy Tonight,

an exclusive interview
with Hell's not-so-favorite nepo baby

Charlie Morningstar,

only on 666 news.

You don't want to miss this.

All right, people, we're on in five.

[huffing] All right, Niffty,

we got this, right?

I mean, all I got to do is
talk from the heart, for the people.

Set the record straight.

Real straight.

Explain what really happened.

-Real straight!
-Right. You got the cards ready?

[cheering]

-Perfect.
-[Velvette] Is that the princess?

Didn't learn your lesson yesterday?

What you guys put out yesterday
was heavily f*cked... with.

So I'm here to set the record straight

with my own words
that you can't f*ck with.

Sure, sweetie.

-Katie! You know what to do.
-h*-h*, right.

It's nice to meet you, Miss Morningstar.

It is Miss, right? 'Cause we all know
q*eers can't get married.

What?

Well, let's not waste any more time, dear.

Come on.
You still need to get camera ready.

I am camera ready.

Oh, sweetheart... yuck.

[snaps fingers]

Wow, that's bright.

Welcome back to me.
I'm here with Charlie Morningstar,

h*m* daughter
of our big old devil daddy

-and founder of the Hazbin Hotel...
-[thuds]

...which is starting to live up
to the name, wouldn't you say?

[chuckles] I would.

[mock laugh] Firstly, I'm bi,

but thanks, Katie.

You know, the name was
kind of a funny story actually...

-Phenomenal. So tell us, Chazzie...
-It's Charlie.

You're here to set the record straight
about your hotel, yes?

What exactly is there to tell us?

I'd say we already saw everything
in last week's hit docuseries

Hazbin Hotel, Behind Closed Doors,

available now on VoxTek video.

Well, as you know, Vox paid a visit
to our hotel recently, yes,

and he lied about everything that...

Whoa, duh-duh, lied? [laughs]

I'd say that's a pretty intense
accusation, don't you think?

Well, he, um... [clears throat]
misrepresented things, so...

Oh! Using fancy words now.

-He bent the truth!
-I wish he'd bend me.

Right in half, you know
what I'm saying? [laughs]

-Tom, laugh!
-Oh! Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, no...

[humming happily]

[hisses]

Knock-knock, Rosie my dear,
Alastor's here.

Oh! Alastor. Don't you know it's rude
to show up on a lady unannounced?

I have nothing prepared.

Oh, please, no need to gussy up
for little old me now.

I just dropped in to tell you
the great news.

Oh, great news? That's always
exciting for me to hear.

By all means, tell me.

I'm sure you know all
about Charlie's little hotel

and how I've been "helping out."

Of course I do.

Yes, well... I just quit.

[glass shatters]

You what?

You see, I've been there
about a year or so,

and after all of the pointless
singing and crying...

I'm afraid I see no further reason
for my presence there.

We really aren't getting any closer to...

Ah, bup, bup, bup, bup,
bup, bup, bup, bup.

Alastor, sweetie, pumpkin.

I'm afraid that isn't up to you, is it?

See, I thought that, too, but I also
thought our little deal meant

that I was the strongest sinner
in all of Hell.

Yet here I am with the scars

and a busted-up staff
that proves otherwise.

Oh, come on now, Alastor.

You really thought
being the most powerful sinner,

which you are, meant you could
take on an archangel?

[chuckles] You're still as cute
and stubborn as the day we met.

[Alastor growls]

Don't remind me.

Oh, but I will.

You were a handsome young man,

such a charmer.

And quite the gentleman, if I recall.

Hustling yourself and dazzling
those yuppy producers.

Overcoming so much to be the star
of your own radio show.

The toast of New Orleans.

But you were a bit naughty...

weren't you?

Oh! [laughs]

[screams]

I'll always be impressed with how prepared
you were for all this while still human.

I can't imagine how many rituals it took
to get through to the other side,

but when I heard your voice...

I just knew.

I knew you were the one.

[chuckles] Tu es prêt à manger...

[laughs maniacally]

I call on you, voices of the afterlife.

I wish to make a deal with you.

[Rosie over radio] Why have you
called me here, human?

To curse? To give?

-To learn?
-Allow me to cut to the chase.

I know what awaits a man like me
after death.

But I do not want to exist in Hell,
a tortured soul.

I want to secure myself,
amongst the highest demons.

I want to continue my fun!

Wow. That's a new one.

I must say,
a soul like yours is unlike any I've seen.

I can grant you power,

power beyond
what your mortal mind can imagine.

The most powerful sinner in Hell, but...

you must do something for me,

and until you complete this task,
your soul will be mine.

It's a deal.

[laughs maniacally]

[Rosie]
It's pretty funny that the next day,

you died in the most hilarious way
possible. [laughs]

Mistaken for a deer and shot
while hiding a body.

I mean, just perfect.

-[g*nsh*t]
-So anticlimactic.

[chortling]

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

[chuckles] Oh, hilarious.

[forced chuckle] Ah. Ah. Ah-ha-ha!

-[eerie music playing]
-Look, you can toy around with me

all you want,
but I've been running all over Hell

on some fruitless crusade for years,
playing nice at a stupid hotel

because you promised me power,
and now I'm lacking, so you better...

-[♪ "Don't You Forget" plays]
-♪ Sounds like you really could do ♪

♪ with a little reminder
of who you're talking to ♪

♪ An honest woman
always there to lend an ear ♪

♪ I dealt with you fairly,
been patient it's true ♪

♪ But remember, "my deer,"
you're in my zoo ♪

♪ Don't you forget ♪

♪ You are my pet ♪

♪ I say when to sit and stay,
roll over or go fetch ♪

♪ Don't you forget ♪

♪ There's no way out ♪

♪ You're a debtor till the day
you settle your account ♪

♪ I've served you faithfully for an age ♪

♪ obeyed demands, contained my rage ♪

♪ went off the air
for years on your behalf ♪

♪ I know, and you're so kind ♪

♪ And since you made me disappear ♪

♪ my name inspires much less fear ♪

♪ The least
that you can do is fix my staff ♪

In due time.

Sing along, dear, you know the words.

-Oh.
-♪ Don't you forget ♪

♪ I won't forget ♪

♪ You are my pet ♪

♪ Yours since we met ♪

[both] ♪ I say when to sit and stay ♪

♪ play ball or just play dead ♪

♪ Don't you forget ♪

♪ I'm in your net ♪

-♪ The coop can't be flown ♪
-♪ At least not yet ♪

♪ The moves you make
are mine and mine alone ♪

♪ Looks like you'll have
to do this on your own ♪♪

Fine.

-[dramatic music playing]
-Oh, calling me her pet.

I'm not your pet, you lousy...

I'll show her.

Oh, she'll see.

Think. Think. Come on, Alastor.

Come on.

There must be a way.

[gasps softly] Oh.

Oh, that's clever.

Hmm. [laughing]

I can fix my own problems.

So basically,
what you're trying to tell us is

that an angel told you
your silly little snake friend was alive.

The same angels

that made it their whole "thing"
for seven years to k*ll

as many of us as possible?

And you just expect us
to believe all that?

Yes! Well, I mean, yes,
they don't want to hurt us anymore.

Now that Sir Pentious is redeemed,
I'm sure they are going to help us, so...

Oh, you're sure, are you? You're so sure?

Because I'm sure that Vox reported
on how you had no evidence at all,

and that you just put your guests
in danger for fun.

Well, sure, but see,
he made it look that way.

If you take something out of context,
you can make someone say anything.

It feels like he was just waiting for me
to say something awful, like that

"I think sinners deserved
the extermination

"because they're bad people." [laughs]

But I would never actually say that.

-Oh! Did you get that?
-[air horn blowing]

Breaking news. Charlie Morningstar claims

that sinners deserved to be exterminated
in shocking new statement.

No. No. That is not...

Like... What?! Stop.

That is not what I said.
It was just an example.

Not like I meant it, you know? Please stop

quoting everything I'm saying.
It is distracting me.

What?! Don't compare me to Hitler!

How are you even typing this fast?!

I am so getting that f*cking bonus.

Now, Charles, do you have anything else

you'd like to clarify
about your Hashbrown Motel?

[gasps] I... Um, uh, y... you know.

-[chittering]
-N-Niffty.

Here. Come up here and tell us all
about how amazing the Hazbin Hotel is.

Just tell them! Uh...

Uh… Uh... Oh, sh*t.

The camera thing. Uh...

Oh! Hey, Niffty, guess what?

That is not a camera. It's a roach.

That's a big roach.

Yeah. Tell the big roach
about how much you like the hotel.

-[chittering]
-[♪ "Clean It Up" plays]

♪ There's an endless stream of trash
and filth and hundreds of bugs ♪

♪ If you love the stench of jizz,
wait till you smell our rugs ♪

♪ 'cause people barf and piss and c*m
on them a ton ♪

♪ And when they do,
I get to go and clean it up ♪

-What?
-♪ Hypodermic needles ♪

♪ left all over the place ♪

♪ And our rats have grown immune
to being sprayed by mace ♪

♪ So I got to take my knife
and stab 'em all in the face ♪

♪ And now they treat me like their queen
because I'm covered in rat blood ♪

-♪ Niffty, no ♪
-♪ Magical land ♪

♪ hotel of my dreams ♪

♪ disgustingest, ugliest building
that I've ever seen ♪

♪ And I get to clean it up ♪♪ [laughs]

-Niffty, what are you doing?
-Helping!

-Can you help differently?
-Okay.

[singing in Japanese]

Um...

Can anyone understand this?!

Why?!

Yes. [panting]

♪ And that's why the hotel is good ♪♪

Right? Yay.

[dramatic, eerie music playing]

I know you're watching.

Come on out.

No need to be shy, Vox.

-[yells]
-Alastor.

For what do I owe the displeasure?

Did I strike a nerve?

Finally ready to plead with me
to stop sh1tting on your precious hotel?

Frankly, I'm bored
of hearing your incessant slander.

It's not even clever.

This ends now.

Ugh. Voxxy, you can't get all up in this
and then zip out like that.

I thought you liked it when I...

TMI, Val. Now who are we k*lling?
And can I film it?

No, no, dear, I don't think
Vox would want the public

to see me put him in his place
a second time.

f*ck you, Twink! [yells]

[dramatic music playing]

[Vox] What's wrong, old man?

Getting your a*s beat by Adam
f*ck you harder than you thought?

Hiyah! Oh!

♪ ♪

[Valentino] What's the matter, b*tch?
Can't get it up?

[Valentino laughs]

Daddy's home.

-[chuckles]
-[groans]

Oh, dear, does that hurt? [laughs]

Hey! f*ck!

Damn. It's gonna take a lot more
to fix that hairdo.

Hey, my little puppets,
I'm putting up a poll.

Vote "yes" or "no" if you want me
to absolutely obliterate this guy.

[laughing]

[crackling]

-[expl*si*n]
-Come on out.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

-You are very rude.
-Look at you go.

-Yada, yada, yada.
-This has all been a whole setup,

and once more, you are very h*m*,
Ms. Killjoy, and I do not like you.

I'm not h*m*.

-I just hate g*y people.
-This has been the worst

-f*cking interview of my entire life.
-So sue me.

[gasps] Alastor's in trouble!

[lively, dramatic music playing]

Hey, have you ever heard of a blob fish?

-[soft piano music playing]
-A... what?

Check this out.

How cute is that?

Why are you like this?

Look, Angel, I...

-Oh, hey, Niff. What the f*ck?!
-[Niffty panting rapidly]

Huh?

A lot of weird sh*t happens here.

[dramatic music playing]

[Vox] Found you!

Someone should really put this thing
out of its misery.

[Niffty] We're here, Alastor!

[panting]

Husk, go!

-What the...?!
-[grunts]

The f*ck is this about, Alastor?

We still fighting these nobodies?

[gasps] My hair!

[groans] I'm gonna k*ll you!

Look, lady, I didn't mean to... Oh, sh*t.

-[energetic music playing]
-[explosions]

[gasps]

Hey, bad boy.

You again?! [grunting]

-Ow! f*ck!
-Oh!

Looks like it's me and you again.
Ready to lose?

Not this time. [yelling]

Geez.

Calm down, b*tch.

This outfit is worth ten of you.

Put a shirt on, you mangey stray.

-Hmm.
-Oh, not there.

-Oh.
-Ow!

-Oh. No.
-[speaking Spanish]

Ow! Aah!

-[groans]
-[whimpers]

g*n. [laughs]

Wait. Call off your g*ons.

I have a proposition for you.

Excuse me?

[singsongy] Now or never.

Val, hang on. [groans]

We keep going back and forth,

and it's growing really tiresome,
uh, quite boring actually,

and it's making it harder
for me to do what I have to do.

Yeah, of course, you're trying
to talk your way out of this.

Get to the f*cking point!

How about… we make a little deal?

I'll join your propaganda parade
and be your little prisoner?

All I ask for in exchange is, ooh,

two, tiny, itty bitty conditions.

The f*ck is he doing?

What conditions?

Let these irrelevant little nobodies
run along home,

but more importantly,
you're not to lay your hands

on Charlie Morningstar.

Wait. That's it? [laughs]

That's it. Pretty enticing, isn't it?

Think of the headlines.

That's-that's... [stammering]

It's a deal.

[laughing] Yes!

I f*cking did it! Ha-ha-ha!

Holy f*ck. Everyone out. Look who I have.

[laughs] Velvette. Cameras.

[clamoring]

All right, you heard him, people.
Everyone out.

-Move your asses.
-[overlapping chatter]

Alastor, what happened? What's going on?

-Wait! Wait! Alastor!
-[sinner] Move, b*tch!

-Move.
-Ugh! Oh, stop pushing me!

-b*tch, move.
-Alastor.

Ugh. Wait. Let me back in.
I am the princess of Hell!

What the actual f*ck is happening?!

-[crowd cheering]
-[Vox laughing]

Oh! No. No, thank you. No, yeah.

Thank you. I-I... I won.

You like...? I know I... I know I won.

I like winning.

And let me be the one to tell the world

that Alastor does not have a tail.

[laughter]

Oh, that's gonna piss some people off.

-One... smoothie, please.
-[whimsical music playing]

[slurping]

[laughs] Oh!

Oh! Ah!

Today was perfect.

Right, Val?

Uh-huh, sure, babe.

Hmm? And what-what do you think, Alastor?

Oh, why the long face?

[laughs]

[Vox humming and laughing]

Mm-hmm. Mm.

Isn't this nice?

Look at all this.

I know you feel it, too.

And to think you could have had this all
and without the public humiliation.

[laughs]
Yeah, this calls for a celebration.

Hmm, yes, not like
you haven't been doing that all day.

Whiskey? Gin?
I could call up and get you a Sazerac?

[mysterious music playing]

You know I've waited for this moment
for almost 70 years.

I'm curious.

What makes the princess
and her crappy little hotel so great

that the Radio Demon gives up what little
dignity he had left to help out with it?

Or how a guy from the '30s landed in Hell
and somehow

became one of the most powerful overlords?

Tell me how.

Mm, nope.
Our deal is for me to be your c*ptive.

I don't have to tell you anything.

Seriously?
You usually love to run your mouth.

But I guess being a brat is kind of
your thing, isn't it?

[Alastor laughs]

You'd be nothing without those two.

-Excuse me?
-You really haven't changed, have you?

Still so reliant on all those around you.

Always seeking someone
to put up with your incessant...

You know, I think I prefer the silence.

[Alastor's voice over speaker] What?

Don't want to be reminded
of how desperate you were for attention?

Back then, you and I were as close
to equals as I'd imagined down here.

You had your decent ideas,
you were growing your power,

and it was almost impressive.

And I respected you.

And then you went and ruined it.

I thought you found me, what was it?
Inspiring?

-[soft piano music playing]
-You're inspiring, really.

And when you think about it,

modern entertainment
actually started with radio.

-Ah.
-Ah, am I boring you with my compliments?

Perhaps.

Well, look, I'll just get to the point.

We've been close
for a few years now, right?

I mean, people know us, they love us.

And with new overlords
popping up every day.

And before you hit me with a,
"Well, you're pretty new yourself,"

I know, okay,
but I'm much more forward-thinking,

so it's in your best interest
to hear me out.

I'm listening, pal.
Barkeep, another whiskey.

So, I've been thinking, Alastor,

with your incredible power
and my massive influence,

we would be unstoppable.

Radio and video.

Me and you... we could rule Hell,
together, as partners.

[chuckles softly]

[laughing loudly]

Oh, that's... Oh, you're serious?

[laughs] Come now, Vox.

[laughing loudly]

I knew you could be pathetic at times,
but I didn't realize you were so weak.

[chuckles] What?

Oh, f*ck. [laughs loudly]

You need me to join your team.

And here I thought you might
actually be approaching my level,

but asking for assistance?

A partnership?

-I am quite disappointed in you.
-I...

I just thought,
you know, since we were friends...

Friends?! There are no friends

in Hell, Vincent. I thought
that was something you understood.

How embarrassing.

Oh, the tantrum you threw after...
now that was entertainment.

[laughs loudly]

I did really have to put you
in your place, didn't I? Ah.

And now you finally have me,

but you still rely on others
for your power, like always.

-[♪ "Don't You Forget [Reprise]" plays]
-♪ You think your little mockery ♪

♪ is gonna make me cry? ♪

♪ That I'm bawling 'bout the past
that could have been? ♪

♪ Look around ya, Al ♪

♪ I've been scheming this whole time ♪

♪ I got a team, I got a dream ♪

♪ and all I'm gonna do is win ♪

[laughing]

♪ You're in my house with my rules ♪

♪ in my room with my tools ♪

♪ And worse, you're at my mercy,
cursed to watch me take it all ♪

♪ You've gone a*s up, you're deep fried ♪

♪ Your last luck has run dry ♪

♪ At last your check has cashed,
I'd laugh at how you look so small ♪

♪ Don't you forget ♪

♪ You're on my string ♪

♪ You can try to squirm and struggle
and it wouldn't do a thing ♪

-♪ Don't you forget ♪
-You're so obsessed with me.

♪ I knew you'd need me here
to be your unwilling audience ♪

♪ when you lose your marbles
in act three ♪

♪ You're huffing glue if you think
I won't end this tale a ruler ♪

♪ I'm just like you except
I'm smarter, sharper, brighter, newer ♪

♪ So I'll keep your smug a*s alive ♪

-To show me you're not a loser?
-Do you ever shut up?

-♪ Don't you forget ♪
-Oh, here he goes.

-♪ You ain't won yet ♪
-Ooh, I'm scared.

-♪ You still need me like you did before ♪
-So cute you think I care.

[laughing loudly]

♪ Now I'm the master
and you're my bottomest b*tch ♪

♪ No more Al, the high and mighty
now that I flipped the switch ♪

♪ Though the radio's gone dead
you know the show must go on ♪

♪ By the time I've had my fun ♪

♪ you'll wish that you had stayed gone ♪♪

[Vox laughs loudly]

[both panting]

[Valentino] Hey,
you two should just f*ck already.

What? Am I wrong?

And can I film it?

♪ ♪

[neighing]

[whip cracks]