02x01 - New Pentious

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music playing]

[growls]

[Tom] Good morning, Pentagram City.

[Katie] This is Katie Killjoy.

[Tom] And I'm Tom Trench.

Bringing you the latest
in Hell's hottest news.

Tonight's top story:

What the f*ck is going on
at the Hazbin Hotel?

[Tom] That's right, Katie.

It's been a while since
Heaven attacked Hell

and Charlie Morningstar
and the Hazbin Hotel

brutally slaughtered the invading angels

and kinda-sorta saved us
from the extermination.

When you're done sucking toes, Tom,

I'd like to remind you that Heaven
still hasn't made their next move.

Are they coming back for revenge,

or is this yearly nightmare finally over?

Morningstar has declined
to come on the show to comment.

[coughs] p*ssy.

But we will keep asking
until we break her.

Because the world needs to know, Tom.

Will she stop at angels?

Are you next?

-Is your dog or cat next?
-[whimpers]

-Will her bloodlust ever be satisfied?
-[cat yowling]

Who's at the top
of Charlie Morning star's hit list?

Maybe it's me!

This segment brought to you by...

[both] Voxtek.

"Trust us with your everything."

[hotel guest 1] This'll be great.
I'm looking forward to getting in here

and f*cking up some angels.

[hotel guest 2] I love m*rder.

I can't wait to k*ll some angels.

[crackles]

[whirring]

I lost my f*cking room key.

Hello and welcome to the Hazbin Hotel.

My name's, uh, changing.

For now, call me Vaggie.
Have a lovely day,

here's your key,
thank you so much for staying with us.

Thanks for signing the guest book.

This is like being in the army.

I know you're here, Alastor,
could you help out, please?

Mm, this seems like a you problem, Vagene.

Here you go.

And you. Really?

What happened to
the whole "host of the hotel" thing?

[clamoring]

Where's Charlie?
Where is Charlie Morningstar?

Is it true she drinks angel blood
to improve her "g*y powers"?

Is she off k*lling more angels?
The public has a right to know.

Is it true this hotel
is recruiting a hellish army?

And should I divorce my wife?

Um, no. What?

[Husk] I have three Torment and Tonics,

four Virgin Sacrifice Piña Coladas,

and something called a Harder Daddy?

Oh, that one's for me.

My favorite drink and life motto.

[exhales] Whoo!

That's a hard daddy.

Angel, how about you
help me serve these drinks

instead of letting your pig
gobble my nuts.

[gasps] Husk, don't say it like that.

He's little.

Besides, I am working.

I'm celebrity endorsing the hotel.

[clears throat]

Who wants to come stay
at the Hazbin Hotel with me?

-[cheering]
-[sinner] I love come.

-I-I've seen all his movies.
-Take it off.

I've jerked off to all his movies.

Cherri, how about you?

You're part of the hotel now, right?
Why don't you help out?

Whoa there, pussycat.

I'm hanging at the hotel.
I'm not staying at the hotel.

Big difference.

-I ain't booked a room or nothing.
-Sure.

Anyway, get your pig off my bar.

[pig squeals]

Has anyone seen Charlie?

There are reporters here
asking some f*cked-up questions.

I think I saw her in the lounge.

She's been keeping
Pentious's little egg company.

-Thanks.
-Uh, when you see her,

can you ask her if she's still up
for the therapy session today?

I'm kinda getting into talking
about feelings and junk.

[Charlie sobbing]

[Frank] And here's when Pentious
cried after he was caught spying.

And here's when Pentious cried
when you forgave him.

And here's when Pentious cried

when he first lost to Cherri b*mb.

And here's when Pentious cried
after telling me

I'm the most handsome egg boy
he's ever seen.

I made that one up.

He truly was the best of us.

Or at least the most snake.

[sobbing]

This is Pentious's death ray.
He'd want you to have it.

He invented the best things.

Even though a lot were scary weapons
that hurt people. [sobs]

But we were working on that.

Charlie, there you are.

Did you maybe want to come down
and say hi to the new guests?

We could really use your help.

There are reporters here and...

Are you okay?

Uh-huh. Everything is great. [chuckles]

Great, great.
Why wouldn't everything be great?

We beat Adam, and the hotel's packed,

even though lots of people died,

but-but it is so great.

Babe, I feel like you're still processing
what happened.

If you want, I can handle
the hotel duties,

talk to those reporters?

Wha...? Pfft, it's fine.

I'm perfectly calm.

Calm and fine. Fine and calm.

Let's talk to those reporters.

I bet they want to know all about
how redemption works,

just like everyone else
who's staying here, right?

Right. Yeah.

[Vox growls]

[Katie] Tom, you and your tiny d*ck
are pissing me off.

See, I have five...
count it, five minutes a day...

to enjoy my smoke break,
and you're Tomming up my space.

Ah, there she is, my top reporter.

Vox... hello. [chuckles]

Wha-What-what brings you here, boss?

Oh, nothing much.

You care to tell me
what the f*ck this this?

Oh, tha... Well, we-we just wanted
to give it a flashy title.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can read, Katie.

But why is it so positive?

This is the news, honey.

If we aren't scaring people
with the title alone,

it's not worth running.

I'm, I'm so sorry, sir.

Y-You can...

punish me if you want to.

-[crew member coughs]
-Ew. No.

Besides, I think I have a better angle
for this Hazbin Hotel.

I think its popularity is useful.

We just have to find the right spin.

Oh, I love it when you spin things,
you sexy TV man.

Keep up the questions.

"Is it dangerous?"
"What's the Morning stars' next move?"

And be ready for some...

[modulated] breaking news tonight.

Oh, I'll be ready for you, Vox.

Yes, sir. We sure will.

Shut up, Tom!

[squeaking]

[playful, jaunty music playing]

-Harder Daddy?
-Why'd he do it?

Why'd he just go and k*ll himself
to save me?

We were rivals. Like, all I'd ever done
was f*ck with him.

But he liked me?

-Why?!
-I mean, what's not to like?

You're kind of cool, kind of hot.

-He probably liked your big bombs.
-f*ck off.

I just wish I could see him again.

To punch him in the face
for dying and sh*t.

[gasps] Sweet baby demon spawn.

There are a lot of sinners here. [laughs]

[reporter] Oh, there she is.
Hey, Charlie! Question over here.

Come here. Look at me.
Look at me. Charlie!

Charlie, are we at w*r with Heaven?

Charlie, how many angels
did you k*ll personally?

Do they scream?

Hey, Charlie, how do angels scream
when they die?

Is it like... [bird-like scream]

And should I k*ll my wife?

Vaggie, can you come, uh...?

Okay, people, back it up, back it up.

-[Baxter] Ahem.
-[yelps]

Oh. [laughs] Hello there.

I'm Charlie.

-Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel.
-[squeals]

And what is your name?

My name is Baxter.

Ooh. Baxter. That's a fun name.

Are you checking in with us?

I intend to, yes.

Oh, that's great.

[gasps] Aw.
And look at your little lab coat.

It's very cute. [gasps]

Are you an inventor?

Don't belittle me, woman.

I am not an inventor, I am a scientist.

There's a difference.

Some could classify me as a...

mad... [giggles] scientist.

[gasps] Pentious was an inventor.

That's so cool.

I bet you're just like him.

If you're referring to that pompous snake,

I'd like it known I am nothing like him.

Hey, everyone, meet Pentious.

-Baxter.
-Right. Baxter. [laughs]

And you're here to be redeemed, Pen-xter.

Baxter. Sorry, sorry.

Pentious-bster. Baxter.
Uh, sorry, Bax-Baxter.

-Baxter. Baxter. [laughs] I got it.
-I am here to study

this fascinating concept of redemption.

My hypothesis is that it's impossible.

[laughing awkwardly] Okay, well...

♪ Come on in, here's your key ♪

♪ Let me take your bag, wait till ya see ♪

♪ The hotel ♪

-[tires screech]
-♪ 'Cause it's great ♪

♪ If you parked your car, we'll validate ♪

♪ All our guests are family ♪

-Hey.
-Perv!

Hands off the chest fluff.

♪ That's the Hazbin guarantee ♪

♪ And did I mention it's free? ♪

-It's worth the price.
-Al, be nice.

-Full of drunks.
-Full o' c**ts.

Full of sticky floors covered in junk.

-Uh, don't mind them.
-No one does.

-Or that hole.
-Ugh. Cherri. -What?

♪ You've made a great choice
to save your soul ♪

♪ 'Cause redemption is possible ♪

♪ I really, really hope ♪

♪ 'cause if it isn't then my whole life's
been a f*cking joke ♪

♪ And my friend died for no reason
and I'm never gonna cope ♪

♪ from watching him get f*cking m*rder*d
right in front of me last month ♪

What?

-♪ There's a bar ♪
-What the sh*t?

-♪ Have a beer ♪
-I don't drink.

♪ I just know you're gonna love it here ♪

♪ We can live in harmony ♪

No, I can't make a f*cking mai tai.

♪ That's the Hazbin guarantee ♪

♪ Now repeat after me ♪

♪ I'm checking in ♪

I'm checking in.

♪ I'm seeking guidance ♪

-I'm seeking guidance.
-Come on, everybody.

-♪ For my reckoning ♪
-For my reckoning.

-♪ I'll never turn to violence ♪
-I'll never turn to violence.

♪ I'm checking in ♪

[flatly] I'm checking in.

♪ I'm seeking guidance ♪

-That place sucked a*s.
-Psst. Hey, you.

-Who? Me?
-That's right, baby.

♪ Redemption got you snoring? ♪

♪ That scene was f*cking boring ♪

♪ Have you considered a vocation
that is more rewarding? ♪

♪ Because I sense
a drop of star potential ♪

♪ With a little boost,
that drip could turn torrential ♪

♪ Come on down to V-Tower ♪

♪ Where we help talent flower ♪

♪ No telling how hot you could get
once you're backed by our power ♪

♪ Let's start with a k*ller fit,
let's get filler in those lips ♪

♪ Wax that gooch and pull that strip ♪

♪ Snip, snip, snip ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ All of Hell's gonna want you ♪

♪ In this game, no one outdoes us ♪

♪ No one can out-buzz us ♪

♪ All you got to do is trust us ♪

♪ Just us, trust us ♪

-♪ Take all these starring roles ♪
-♪ We trademarked all your holes ♪

♪ There's no such thing
as being totally overexposed ♪

♪ Except now they're sick of you
'cause they've seen way too much ♪

♪ But we'll still get the clicks
from souls who hate you ♪

[Vox] ♪ Scratch that,
they changed the channel ♪

♪ And we can't sell the scandal ♪

♪ Hope you had fun,
but we are done with you ♪

♪ Your run is canceled ♪

♪ We're finished, I'm not kidding ♪

♪ Get the f*ck out of my building ♪

-♪ Get the f*ck out of my building! ♪
-♪ Snip, snip, snip, b*tch ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ But if you know someone new ♪

♪ Tell 'em that no one outdoes us ♪

♪ No one can out-buzz us ♪

♪ All they got to do is ♪

-♪ Come on in ♪
-♪ Come on down to V-Tower ♪

♪ Here's your key ♪

♪ And see how great
your afterlife could be ♪

♪ We can live in harmony ♪

♪ Why be nice when you can be famous? ♪

♪ That's the Hazbin ♪

♪ Sign and cash in ♪

♪ guarantee ♪

♪ Yeah right, b*tch ♪

♪ Trust me, just me ♪

♪ Trust ♪♪

Us. No, I meant to say "us."

-Uh-huh.
-Yeah, okay.

[reporter] Ms. Morningstar,
Ms. Morningstar, over here.

When will you launch your next attack
on the angels?

What do dead angels smell like?

Are all the sinners here
part of your anti-angel army?

I k*lled my wife.

What? N-No. No.
They're here to be redeemed.

D-Didn't you hear the song?

Are any of you here for redemption?

I thought this hotel was where
we came to k*ll angels.

Yeah, who cares about redemption?

That sounds like work.

No. I-I know angels aren't, like,

the best, but we shouldn't k*ll them.

We need to be better than them, right?

[gasps] Oh, my God!

Look, it's Niffty, the Adam Slayer.

Stab. Stab, stab, stab, stab, stab.

Niffty, can I get your autograph?

Niffty, will you stab me?

Someone get a picture of her stabbing me.

[grunts] Yes.

No, no. Niffty was acting in self-defense,

we shouldn't celebrate what she had to do.

[crowd chanting]
Niffty! Niffty! Niffty!

[laughs] I like being touched.

No, stop touching her!
They brought the fight to us.

We had to defend ourselves.

I never wanted to... I wouldn't...

-That's not what...
-[chanting] k*ll angels! k*ll angels!

k*ll angels! k*ll angels! k*ll angels!

Stab, stab, stab, stab, stab. [laughs]

[crowd chanting]
k*ll angels! k*ll angels! k*ll angels!

k*ll angels! k*ll angels!

-[clamoring]
-Charlie,

is this now officially
the Angel k*ller Hotel?

Charlie, have all your staff
k*lled angels?

Charlie, do you have to be a cannibal

to sign up for
the Angel k*lling Army Hotel?

-[Charlie stammers]
-And I regret k*lling my wife.

W-We, uh, we accept cannibals.

-I, um...
-Charlie, are you okay?

Uh, yeah, I'm... I'm fine, uh, I-I just...

Aw, man, Charlie ain't looking
too good under pressure.

Alastor, shouldn't you help her?

Should I? Perhaps.

Will I? No.

Do I enjoy being difficult?

Most definitely.

I, um...

Poof! Here I am. Did I do that right?

There we...

Hey, don't worry, Charlie,
someone important is here to help.

[clears throat]

Oh, sh*t! What's that?!

Huh? Where'd they go?

They were just here.

[reporter] It's a f*cking duck!
He tricked us!

Who's the best and biggest
demon shark in the world?

You are. You are.

You're my little shock.wav.

[Velvette] This better be important, Vox.

I was in a marketing meeting

about which trends are worth k*lling over.

Oh, yeah, he likes to talk.

But you don't have to listen,
you can just focus on me, baby.

I said to come alone, Val.

-[screams]
-Din-dins, sharky!

Hey, I was using that.

I summoned you both here

because we need to discuss
some of your recent public... displays.

Velvette, you can't just f*ck
with Carmilla Carmine

in front of other overlords,
it makes business harder.

Well, hey, you're lucky
I didn't skin the b*tch.

She was boring.

And Valentino, you cannot keep
hitting Angel Dust in public.

It's... [laughs]

No, it's... It's not.
It's not funny anymore.

[scoffs] When have I ever hit him?

You're obsessed with me.

Our brand is perfection, remember?

We cannot let ourselves look weak
to other overlords, or to sinners.

We are above petty bullshit.

Well, maybe people
should start sucking less.

Or more. [chuckles]

Moving on. Now, as we all know,

Charlie Morningstar recently proved
that angels can be k*lled.

And not just angels,
the big m*therf*ckers.

The big boys.

Now, obviously, she's gonna plead innocent

and play the "No, we should all
get along and be friends",

"and jerk each other off" card.

But I think we can spin that.

I think we can use the hotel's reputation

and Hell's renewed hope

and start a Hell-wide uprising
against Heaven.

With us at the top, huh?

Uh, I know you won't believe this,

but I don't understand.

[groans]

Okay, from the top.

And I'll try to go slow.

[sighs]

Wow. [chuckles]
Thanks for the escape, Dad.

Ugh, I don't know what's wrong with me.

Well, you know, your friend
and your old hotel both kind of died,

so I think you're allowed
to be a little off, sweetheart.

Yeah, but i-if I don't
snap out of it soon,

people will get the wrong idea of me
and the hotel and then...

[sighs]

Dad, how do you deal with all the...

stress of being in charge of things?

-[duck quacks]
-I don't know.

I-I just manage, somehow.

[sighs] Mom would know what to do.

She was always so good at this.

Staying calm,
being the voice of the people.

Being the-the center of attention

with everyone looking to her,
to follow her.

Ignoring meaningless things. And people.

Yep. She was, uh, so good at that.

Do you miss her?

[chuckles] Oh, yeah.

Every second of every day.

For the past...
what is it, almost eight years?

[chuckles softly]

-[clears throat]
-I miss her, too.

But... [sighs]

She'd be proud of me, you think?

Oh, honey.

[laughs] She'd be so proud of you.

Are you kid... At least, I'd hope so.

Hey, hey. Just take a deep breath, okay?

[inhales deeply]

The show must go on, Charlie.

[laughs]

And you were born for this spotlight.

[chuckles softly] Yeah...

[sighs]

Okay. Thanks, Dad.

For being here.

[line ringing]

Come on, Mom, pick up.

Pick up.

[automated voice] The account holder
on this line is unavailable.

Or they're avoiding you.

-Leave a message.
-[beeps]

Hey, Mom, it's me. Again.

Again. Uh...

I'm... I'm sorry to bother you,
but I'm so overwhelmed right now.

Look, the hotel is full, which is great,

but the sinners are here
for the wrong reasons.

They want to k*ll angels, which is
the opposite of what I stand for,

a-and I know you wanted demons
to be empowered,

but this is...

This is the wrong way,
and I'd love some...

advice, maybe, if you have time, um...

Yeah. Anyway...

Uh, me and Dad
are talking again. [chuckles]

He's not so bad, and he...

He misses you.

So... just give me a call back.

I really need you.

Uh, I love you. Bye.

Ooh.

That's an icon.

Hey, did you hear I k*lled my wife?
Yeah, it's front page news.

Crazy, a reporter being in...

What about Vagamalala for a new name?

-Sounds offensive.
-Maybe Vagelia?

Why are you changing your name again?

What's wrong with Vaggie?

Because Adam gave me that name,
and it's demeaning.

I feel like I got to give myself one,
you know?

How about Vagison?

Maybe you should lose the "vag" part
in these names?

I'm trying, okay?

-Everybody, listen up!
-[gasping]

Reporters, sinners, friends.
I have an announcement to make.

-Charlie! Charlie! Over here!
-She's back! She's back!

This is the Hazbin Hotel.

We do not k*ll angels here.

So, everyone who isn't here
to be redeemed...

please leave now.

Is that it?

Pretty much, yes. Yes, that is it.

You have all gotten the wrong idea.
The Hazbin Hotel is a place of peace.

But I believe in every sinner.

You all can change and be redeemed

and earn your way to a better life.

So, if you believe in our dream,

then you are welcome to stay.

-Absolutely not.
-[grumbling]

Well, back to wherever reporters go.

None of these people paid their tab.

For what it's worth, babe,
that was a good speech.

They'll understand eventually.

[sighs] Thank you.

I suspect this endeavor will end
in spectacular failure.

[chuckles] Which will make
a thrilling research essay.

Uh, well, it's only a worthy experiment
if you actually try.

Welcome to the hotel, Baxter.

So is he, like, the new Pentious?

-No!
-[growls]

And when this baby reaches the top, bam!

[laughing]

And that's how we'd rule Heaven.

Any questions?

Okay, but, like, I don't get it.

Why do we even need to rule Heaven?

How would we, like, get up there?

Semantics, Val.

Let me tell you a story.

Back on Earth, when I was alive,

I was the leader
of a very influential group.

-You mean the cult?
-You could call it a cult.

But I'd say it was more of a movement.

And I was the center of it,

and I swear I'd never felt closer
to being a god.

That's a feeling
that I'd give anything to get back.

And a feeling that I'd love
to share with both of you.

We have the chance
to be more than overlords.

We have the chance to be gods.

It's not what Heaven is...

♪ It's what it could be ♪

♪ With new management in charge ♪

♪ Like you, and you and me ♪

♪ Once we get up there ♪

♪ and snag that angelic throne ♪

♪ our unholy trinity could make
their realm our own ♪

♪ We'll pack up all their piety
and redecorate ♪

♪ Bet our tower would look powerful
with pearlier gates ♪

♪ Once we get up there ♪

♪ Up to the promised land ♪

♪ A hundred billion souls await
our every command ♪

♪ We're the biggest fish in Hell,
how 'bout we upgrade the bowl? ♪

♪ It's time for growth,
let's rule 'em both ♪

♪ Take total control ♪

♪ Think of all your dreams
that could come true ♪

-Even the wet ones?
-Yeah, those too.

♪ Imagine what it could enable ♪

-For my label.
-Yes!

♪ A heavenly host that bows
to none but us ♪

♪ I can have hot new angel sluts ♪

♪ Tear off their wings
and make them dresses ♪

♪ And what's best is ♪

♪ That dumb princess showed us the way ♪

♪ To make those haloed cabronas pay ♪

♪ And once we're gods
I can't wait to say ♪

♪ To everyone who doubted me,
your doubting days are done ♪

♪ You'll be cornered,
trapped and tortured ♪

♪ Then I'll end you just for fun ♪

♪ Once we get up there ♪

♪ The shining kingdom of God ♪

♪ No more petty squabbles with the dead ♪

♪ As we stroll the golden promenade ♪

♪ What's an overlord to a deity? ♪

♪ They ain't got a prayer ♪

♪ It'll be so nice in paradise ♪

♪ With a splash of vice,
they'll pay the price ♪

♪ We'll rule the sky from up on high ♪

-♪ Once I ♪
-♪ And I ♪

-♪ And I ♪
-♪ Get up there ♪

[laughter]

♪ They're f*cked ♪♪

-Hey.
-Hey.

What do you think about Vanessa?

Uh, it's not bad,
but, eh, it's not as unique.

But if you like it, then I-I love it.

[sighs] I don't.

You'll come up with a good one. [sighs]

I think what makes me saddest

is that none of us got to say goodbye.

Ugh, I wish I could just stop the feelings

and just do what I need to do,
I just can't...

Charlie, the feelings are important.

You're allowed to feel them.

How about you just let me take on

more of the hotel stuff
until you're ready?

Really?

[chuckles]

-Okay. Okay, thanks.
-[meows]

Then, for now, the hotel is yours.

Hey, what do you think
about the name Vazzie?

Sounds cool and tough, right?

Uh...

Yeah, I'll keep work shopping.

-[laughter]
-Yeah.

[Katie] Our new top, top story:

Charlie Morningstar,
Hell's greatest threat.

That's right, Katie.

Our recent reports
from the Hazbin Hotel tell us

that Morningstar demanded
all demons seeking retribution

for the exterminations
to "get out" on threat of death.

It seems Morningstar has no desire

to build an army for demons
who want to fight back,

and instead, wants to create
a hostile environment

where she forces sinners

to change and fit into her
restrictive puritanical mold.

Scary stuff.

I know I'm scared.

And everyone else should be, too.

In other news, Hell's powerful
threesome of Voxtek,

the Vees, are now offering sanctuary

to all those affected
by Charlie Morning star's actions.

-Don't listen to those chuckle f*ck.
-What are they...

How are they... What I don't...

[growls, gasps]

You're right.

I'm sure this will be old news in a week.

For now, I'm getting you a Harder Daddy.

[door closes]

-Charlie!
-Emily?

Sorry, I don't have much time.

Heaven's going into lockdown 'cause,
you know, Adam was k*lled,

but now Sera is worried
about Hell wanting revenge,

and Heaven doesn't want any more death,

but is really scared
of what's going to happen next.

Anyway, long story short,

Pentious was redeemed
and he is in Heaven now, yay,

but don't worry,
I'll be back again as soon as I can

but yes, your hotel totally works.

Congratulations! Bye.

[screams]

[jazzy music playing]

-[whinnies]
-[whip cracks]

-Bento.
-[cheering]