01x04 - There There

[bunniefuu]

HINGES SQUEAK

HE EXHALES DEEPLY

Ah. Will not fit.

S-Sorry, do you mind if I...? Sorry.

Sorry, I think I might have...
touched your willy.

Oh.
Hey!

Hey.
Thomas, nice of you to join us.

Yeah.

I trust, er... she won't be?

No, I, er, I dropped her off
at the store myself.

I told her I had a hot date.

But considering
that you have asked me to lie

to my best friend, I'd quite like
to know what all this is about.

Yeah, if this
is a Hunger Games type situation,

I'm gonna need five minutes
to limber up.

Well, whatever this is,
I think it's nice.

We never go out
for drinks all together.

Oh, I know.
Let's play Shag, Marry, k*ll.

OK, I'll go first.
Don't sl*t-shame me, Simon.

Erm, I'd marry the yellow M&M,
k*ll the red M&M,

and probably shag a...
shag a Minstrel!

SHE LAUGHS

Why don't you just have a half pint
next time?

Actually, Simon, in this context,
Pellocks' anti-discrimination policy

would advise
that you avoid phrases like "half"

or "half pint" or "pint size",

given the obvious reference
to Millie's stature.

Exactly.
SHE SCOFFS

Wait, what?

Members of the Pellocks family,

I would like to introduce
to you my...

..my wife.
Oh!

Mrs Freida Heimann,
who works as an HR rep.

Wrong on both counts, as usual.

I am head of HR,
and it's "Ms" Freida Heimann.

We're separated.
I-I find it hard to... to let go.

Well, you let yourself go
pretty hard, so...

Well, yeah, I can still change.
Yeah.

I can still change.
Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.
# I can still change. #

But you'll always be a pain
in my arse, and not in a good way.

SHE LAUGHS WEAKLY

This guy,
not exactly the adventurous type.

This chick knows what I mean.

Sorry, many of you
have raised, er, concerns

following the, erm, hiring
and subsequent behaviour

of a certain number of staff

who legally we can't name.

It-It's Olivia.

Erm, what the mother of my child
is here to do,

is to listen to your concerns

so that Pellocks
can make a fair assessment

over the continued employment
of Olivia at the branch.

Wait, what?!

Actually,
it's not quite that simple.

Given Olivia's
transgender situation...

Shh.

..Pellocks would like to minimise
any potential blowback

by determining
whether Olivia is in fact the issue

or whether her behaviour is
a symptom of a much larger problem

with the way
the store is being managed.

Hang on,
the way the store's being managed?

But I'm the manager of the store.
HE CHUCKLES

Well, maybe you should just take
this up with your HR representative.

Oh, wait, that's me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes, yes,
poor man's Macaulay Culkin?

Oh, thank you.
"Enchante," as the French say.

I'm obviously not French,
erm, just a little bit familiar

with the parlance,
which is French as well, actually.

Hey, keep it in your pants, yeah.
Yeah, sorry.

I was just gonna say that, you know,

if we're gonna be putting Livs
on trial,

then I think
she should face her accusers,

and I vote that we do that
back in the store.

I absolutely agree.
Yeah?

I mean, that is a very
managerial observation, Thomas.

Oh.
HE CHUCKLES

Merci beauc... Thanks.
You banging my wife, pretty boy?

I'm not! It's just rapport.

You jucking dat ting?!
Ahem.

Could I ask why I've had to leave
our daughter with a baby-sitter

because you chose to host
this HR - HR! - round table in a pub

in the middle of the night?

Let me call a time.

Erm, what's happened
is a lot of my night-shifters

tend to sleep through the day, so...

I like drifting off
to the majesty of morning birdsong.

Yeah.

Look, even if this wasn't
a total miscarriage

of Liv's employee rights,

she's gonna get bored and act out
if we leave her too long on her own,

let alone if she gets wet
and eats after midnight [!]

It's fine.

How much trouble can she possibly
get into on her own?

HE CHUCKLES

Yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes!

Oh!

Can't believe
that only took nine boxes of eggs.

THROUGH MEGAPHONE:
Drop the milk chocolate

and take three steps back.

Now take two steps to the right
and grab the caramel nut instead,

because it is
the far superior chocolate bar.

LIV SIGHS

Pro tip...
if you're gonna rob a supermarket,

get in and get out
before we lock up for the night.

My dad owns this store.
I'll tell him to fire you.

Oh, sh*t, you're Simon's kid.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I didn't realise.

Oh, wait, I just realised
that threat means nothing to me

because your father
is a spineless yoghurt man.

So, what,
you're gonna hold me hostage?

Trust me, that's not a situation
any transgender woman

wants to find herself in.

Do you know what they do
to women like me in prison?

Nothing, because they're too busy
trying to figure out

which prison to put me in.

Either way, your dad
and everybody else left me

on my own all night
and buggered off,

and I don't feel like
baby-sitting you till he gets back.

DENIM SIGHS

And what if I decide
that I'm not gonna leave?

And there's five more bags
where that came from,

which is actually
a pretty good saving, if you ask me.

Fine.

DOORS WHIRR

What's a 12-year-old doing
robbing a supermarket?

What's a 40-year-old doing
working at one?

How do you know I'm not 25?
How do you know I'm not 104?

Call your dad.

My parents are getting divorced.
I live with my mum.

So call your mum.

There. I've sent her a WhatsApp.

Great.
I'll go make us a ham sandwich.

Oh, God, you sound just like my dad.

A little bit transphobic.

He spent all his money
on divorce lawyers.

I see him once a week for dinner,

and he reckons that the ham sandwich
is the delicacy of the divorcee.

OK.

When I was, like, nine,
ten years old,

I had a shiny
Charizard Pokemon card.

And I loved it so much.

It was my favourite thing
in the world, and I lost it,

and it broke my little heart.

And I know that's not exactly
what you're going through,

but what you were talking about
was so boring.

DENIM SCOFFS

You have access
to an entire supermarket,

and you just offered me some ham
between two slices of bread.

What do you have in mind?

Have you ever made
an "everything sandwich"?

Who here has been negatively
impacted by Olivia's actions?

Two. Good, good.

Who here thinks that
the management style at this store

leaves something to be desired?

Yeah, yeah. Millie,
why don't you explain to everyone

just how Olivia
has terrorised your work life.

Well, I mean...

MILLIE SCREAMS
Oh! Millie!

MILLIE SCREAMS

Ooh.

ALARM BELL RINGS

I'm sure we've all got a million
little quickfire memories like that,

but it feels cheap to do everybody's
one by one just to pad out the time.

Linda, how about you?
Everyone calls me Beefy.

Once again, that is a prime example
of body shaming.

Linda should not be subjected
to nicknames like "Beefy"

just because her upper torso

is a little stockier
than the average woman.

Let me just...
I've got this one. Erm...

We actually call her Beefy because
she works on the meat counter.

Don't we, Big Beef?

Linda, it says here you requested
a medical assessment in March

and Simon denied you that time off.

Doctor says I might be hyperactive.

And yet on the very same day,

Olivia asked Simon
if she could leave early

for an ultrasound appointment
to, quote,

"find out the sex of her baby",

despite the fact
that Olivia is a transgender woman.

In my defence, er,
Olivia did later explain to me

that she liked the feeling
of the jelly on her... belly.

Where is Thomas?

LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
He's been gone a while, hasn't he?

RINGING TONE
Come on, come on, come on.

HE SIGHS
Liv, pick up, you Babadook.

HE EXHALES

OK, now,
with structural integrity in mind,

I think we have to make
a decision now whether each colour

of wine gum counts
as its own layer of sandwich.

Didn't realise we were building
a monument to compromise?

It's an "everything sandwich".
You know, the clue's in the name?

Of course each colour
gets its own layer.

Say no more.

My mum and dad would never make time
to do this with me.

Dad might if Mum would let him.

I just wish he'd stand up
for himself sometimes.

Yeah.
Bet you've got loads of kids by now.

I'm 30! I'm not the old woman
that lived in a shoe!

Have you thought about having them?
Well, I did freeze my sperm once.

But then my flatmate told me to take
it out to make room for oven chips.

Selfish.

Oven chips - completely forgot
about the oven chips.

RINGING TONE

'Leave a message after the beep, or
do what you like, I'm not your mum.'

BEEP
Liv, call me back.

Pellocks have brought in a ringer
to figure out how to fire you.

Simon's on the ropes, and for once,

I don't think your charming
c*ck shtick is gonna save you.

FREIDA: Girlfriend?
Oh, Ms Heimann.

I-I-I was just, er... I was talking
to my dead dog, who died.

Oh.
Real, real sad stuff.

Aw. Listen, Dr Doolittle.

What if I told you there was a way
to protect your friend

and give you a leg up
on the corporate ladder?

Oh, well, I mean,
I'd probably say, "Tell me more".

Not in an aggressive way.

I'd obviously ask you
to continue explaining. Shh.

Look, I'm not gonna be
the head of HR

that fires a transgender employee.

No. God, no. I mean, that's like
popping a balloon full of piss!

Eurgh.
But neither can I be seen advocating

for the termination
of my soon-to-be ex-husband. Hmm.

But one strongly-worded letter
of condemnation from the... Oh.

..assistant manager of the branch,

now that -
that is a different story.

Yeah, but...

WHISPERING: You're a leader.
Am I?

Yeah. With Simon out the picture,
you could run the store

and keep Olivia under control.

Yeah.
You get the manager's chair.

I get that snivelling c*ck waffle
of a husband out of my life.

Change of plan.
Oh!

You were right, Thomas.

Since it seems my wife is hell-bent
on poisoning my staff against me,

I think we could all do
with a little refresher...

as to how much of a nightmare
Olivia can be in person, yeah?

Yeah.

Yes, thanks for coming.
Copy that.

Hmm.
Yeah.

SIMON WHISTLES
Just go with him, nice to chat...

Heel!

Sorry about that,
it's just my dog died.

Shut it.

This is fun.

I don't think
I've had a conversation this long

with either of my parents
in, like, a year.

I miss my dad.

OK, what's one thing that you wish

that you could talk
to your parents about?

Ignore my haircut -
I'm actually really smart.

What do you know about tampons?

Don't let boys pressure you
into not using them.

Boom, parental advice.
I think that's condoms.

Yeah,
here's the interesting thing...

you never actually texted your mum.

They've done studies on separating
Gen Alphas from their phones.

One man even lost a finger,
so I suggest you give it back.

Oh, no, what are you gonna do,
Fortnite me to death?

Why didn't you text her?

I didn't wanna go home
to an empty house.

Everything's changed
since the D word.

Oh, OK.

You mean "divorce"?
Yes.

Yeah, oh, good.
Just check... cos, yeah.

Do you think it's too late
for them to change their minds?

Trust me. Really never too late
to change anything.

BANGING

Is that someone trying to break in?
What do we do?

Well, that depends.

Are you familiar with the charming
little early '90s Christmas classic

by the name of Home Alone?

SIMON: Ah! Ah, my f*cking foot!

SIMON GROANS
That usually does it.

These old bloody doors are tricky.

I've heard they sometimes open
if you remember

to bring the f*cking key!

So, Thomas, you thought any more
about stepping into Simon's shoes?

Imagine. Me and you.

"Oh, Mr Rice,
office romance with a colleague.

"I'll have to flag that up
to your HR representative.

"Oh, wait, that's me. Carry on."
Click.

THOMAS CHUCKLES
Yeah...

Simon, I could pop round and see if
there's a way in through the back.

Ooh, don't threaten me
with a good time.

THOMAS CHUCKLES
Get your own man, you lanky prick.

Actually, as branch manager,
I say we go in through the front.

I appreciate
that's not as trendy these days,

but, er, there is a time and a place
for back-door shenanigans,

and that's once a month
during your lady time,

and perhaps on your birthday.

What are you gonna do, Thomas?

Prob-Probably the front door option.

SIMON GRUNTS,
GROANS

SIMON STRAINS

Yay.

THOMAS: So strong.
SIMON: Get in.

Yeah, all right.

Well, well, well.

Now I can see why he didn't want
to have the meeting here.

Although, I can't say I'm surprised.

What else would you expect
from a store managed

by a spineless,
snivelling, soul-sucking,

uncultured, flatulent,

real-world inspiration
for Mr Potato Head?

What are you all staring at?

Oh.

Well, well, well.

It's safe to say that this
is the biggest HR clusterfuck

since Judas Iscariot walked up
to Jesus after the Last Supper

and planted a big old wet one
on his cheek.

You are supposed to be at home
with the baby-sitter!

What's the point in you getting
custody if you're never home?

You will not belittle me within
the walls of a Pellocks supermarket!

Maybe in a Pellocks Express
or one of them silly little ones

in the petrol stations,
but never in a full-size unit!

How could you trust our daughter
in the care of this lunatic?

OK. All right.
Let's just have a breath, shall we?

Look, I know Liv's not perfect,
but, er...

if we had been burglars,
she kept our daughter safe.

You know, she's certainly not
Florence Nightingale, but...

Olivia is a good person.

Yeah! I mean, no, obviously,

I'm a terrible human being,
but let the man finish.

Shh!

I think, er...

deputy manager Thomas
has something he'd like to share.

Tell them what you told me earlier

about Simon not being fit
to run this store.

Just do what you gotta do, huh?

You know what, Freida, no. No!

Simon's my boss,
and where he goes, I follow.

Stand down, Thomas.
Yes, sir.

You stupid, blonde b*tch.

b*tch?! You'll throw away
the opportunity of a lifetime

for this sackless testicle
with library-card debts.

Shush. I've had enough.

I can take you
belittling my vocation.

I can even take you massively
downplaying my...

sexual prowess.
SHE SCOFFS

I can even take you sniffing around
my deputy manager's ding-dong

like a protein-deficient coyote.

But what I can't stand is you
questioning the loyalty of my team.

Yes, I've made some mistakes.
I've made some big bloody mistakes.

SHE SIGHS
Look at them.

Hey, you're the biggest mistake
I ever f*cking made.

Thank you very much.
But you know what?

When you start a family,
you stick with it.

And I have already lost one family,
and I am not gonna lose another one.

SHE SIGHS
So...

..here's my idea.

Seeing as you're such a fan
of back-door intimacy,

why don't you take a hedgehog,
stick it inside another hedgehog,

then take
that second bewildered hedgehog

and shove it
up your slack, dusty arsehole?

GASPING

Denim...

go and wait in the Kia Picanto.

I'm sorry you heard that
about Mummy Bear's baggy bum hole.

Go.

Well, I hope
you're very happy together,

you and your brain-dead little
family of shop-damaged kumquats.

And do you know what? So what?

So whaaaaat!

If I did want to grind out
a little sexual frustration

with this random six out of ten.

Happy to be in the mix.
Alcoholic.

Dead eyes of a shark.

Doormat!

Adam's apple like a boxing glove.

Minge tease!

To be fair, that last bit could
have been a lot more offensive.

LIV: Well, it's not like
you don't deserve it.

What you lot did tonight...

..meeting about me behind my back.

I thought we were a family?

What sort of family turns
on one of their own?

I don't know how I'm supposed
to look at any of you

the same way ever again.

CHANTING: Liv! Liv! Liv!

CHEERING

APPLAUSE