01x01 - Ello Ello

[bunniefuu]

SONG: 'Ave Maria'

She is risen.
Olivia!

Shared bathroom!

CROWD SHOUTING

CROWD: Trans people are people!
Trans people are people!

Trans people are people!
Trans people are people!

Trans people are people!

Trans people are people!
Trans people are...

It's all over social media.

Did you not think to check
the advert before it went up? No.

How am I supposed to do an accurate
stock check of the mushrooms

when there's new ones
growing on the old ones?

I'm a bit busy
to focus on fungus, Linda!

I've got a car park
full of activists

planning an all-night protest!

THUMP,
SHE SCREAMS

On the bright side, Simon, that was
definitely one of our tomatoes.

I can tell - it had
a real Pellocks quality to it.

Stop it.
Sorry.

I thought I was saving the company
money, you know?

One billboard, two products.

Ladies' razors and condoms
side by side.

"Legs so smooth,
you're gonna need protection."

Just... It's clever, it's clever.

At its heart, it's clever!

It says, "Ladyboys, get out."

SIMON GROANS

Oh, no. This is a bloody nightmare.

I fully support transgender people,
all right? I just... I just...

I want that out there.

Er, my mum, she...

..she dressed me like a little girl
till I was five or six, so...

..I get it, you know, I get it.

Don't.
OK, this... this can be recovered!

Erm, what's the quickest way to show
we're a fully inclusive workplace?

SHE CLICKS FINGERS
Beefy Linda?

Don't know.
Nothing? You ain't got nothing?

Er, I work here.
Oh, my God.

Erm... Ah, right!

Erm, does anyone know
any transgenders?

I'll look it up.
"Transgender woman in my area."

Oh, I was not expecting that.

Let me see.
Erm...

No, no, I haven't finished.

Ah... Hmm...

HE EXHALES
Of course.

Yeah, but I'm just saying,
most women sit down to wee.

Most women have no comeback
to an unsolicited d*ck pic.

At least I can
aggressively reciprocate.

Look, can you please
tidy up after yourself?

I haven't got time
to restack shelves.

I've gotta get to work to...
restack shelves.

No way you're destroying
the Blood Chimera on your own.

So call in sick and help me.
Well, I'm not sick.

Well, I've seen
your anime collection.

Agree to disagree.

All I'm saying, Thomas,

is it feels like you don't wanna
hang out with me any more.

Liv, I work nights.

It's not my fault
you choose to start your day at 9pm.

Unless, of course,

you've confused being transgender
with Transylvanian.

Anyway, what's the point
of you dolling yourself up every day

just to sit on your arse?

Get out, meet people.

Thomas, why would I wanna
leave this flat

when all of my favourite people
are right here?

Well, look, seeing as you are up,
it's now officially three months.

I thought it would be a good time
to pick up that conversation

about you contributing to rent.

Tomothy, I would love to contribute,
I really would.

I'm not gonna do that, though,
and I'm gonna tell you why.

That's because
I have very recently decided

that I am, in fact, saving up for
the old gender realignment surgery.

I thought you didn't want a vag*na.

You said you were scared
of a bee flying up in it.

Oh, who are you, my gynaecologist?

Cos it sounds like
you're accusing a transgender woman

of lying about her desire
to acquire a clunge

just to get out of paying the rent,

which is definitely not
what's happening.

How are you gonna pay
for the surgery without a job?

Oh, I'll just get a job, shall I?

I'll just go get myself a job,

like that's the most normal thing
in the world.

Thomas, if someone wants to call up
and give me a job,

I'll take that job,
but that is never gonna happen.

HE SIGHS
Yeah.

Right, I'm off. How do I look?

Like the Milky Bar Kid.

After a long,
drawn-out battle with...

DOOR CLOSES

..heroin.

SHE SIGHS

KEY RATTLES IN DOOR

Oh, my God, I can't believe
you missed me so much.

PANTING: Liv, grab one
of my uniforms and get changed.

There's no time to explain.

Yes, there is.
Oh, for God's sake, fine.

You are now a proud member of the
Pellocks supermarket night shift.

And I...

Pause for dramatic effect.

..am your new supervisor.

CROWD: Trans people are people!
Trans people are people!

# La-la-la, la-la-la

# La-la-la, la-la-la-la-la

# La-la-la, la-la-la

# It sounds like cha-ching
When I walk in

# Boom, bam
Let my money do all of the

# Talking is cheap

# So think before you speak
Cos you can't even afford it

# All I ever need, all I ever want

# Fell asleep in the sky
Woke up in New York

# Wall Street kind of vibe
And they buy my stock

# Going up, going up, going up... #

Welcome to the night shift.

While the customer snores,
we sweep up the floors.

OK.
A little motto, isn't it?

Yeah, it's something.
A credo, a ditty.

I don't know what you wanna call it.
We wrote it.

It's fun, isn't it?

It's just a fun...
I have fun.

We have fun.

Welcome to the ship.
THEY LAUGH

Now, listen, going forward,
do you prefer Olivia or Liv?

I think I would prefer
to be at home,

pleasuring myself to a VHS
of the 1998 musical Cats.

Now, uh, Thomas tells me
that you are saving up for ge...

er, gender reassignment surgery.

Tell us something about that.
Am I?

I am, yep.
No, you're right, I am, er...

Can't wait. It's gonna be great.

OK. Now, tell me, I... I mean...

..you don't have to, but...

SCOTTISH ACCENT:
..is that the carrot or the tatties?

The thing.

# Ahh! #

Oh, great, there's a book [!]
Et voila, madame.

The Pellocks Employee Handbook.


of safety guidelines
and interpersonal etiquette.

Strap in, it's a real page-turner.

I haven't got so lost in a book
since Harry Potter.

Have you read those?

Pay no mind to the noise outside.

Erm, there's been
a bit of a misunderstanding,

but, rest assured,
we here at Pellocks

are a fully inclusive workforce.

THUMP
Hitler!

We want trans rights!
Can you get that?

We want trans rights now!
Come out here, you pellock!

CROWD MEMBER: Fascist!

We want you to be as loud
and as proud as you like.

And to that end, perhaps you'd like
to put something up on your socials

about how proud you are
to be part of the Pellocks rainbow,

hashtag "we are Pellocks",
hashtag "competent management",

something like that.

And, of course,
if there's anything we can do

to make your time here at Pellocks
even more inclusive,

my door is always open to you,
and...

and that is because I've...
I lost my key.

Like, I don't wanna shut it cos I...
SOFTLY: ..I might not get back in.

I'm glad you mentioned inclusivity
there, Simon,

because, well,
I don't know about you, Millie,

but I, like you...

I like you, too!
OK.

I, like you, am a woman,

and as a woman, I noticed
a lot of phallic produce

on the way into the store
this evening.

Your bananas, your bratwursts,
your aubergines.

I mean, Simon, come on,
what are we doing here?

HE LAUGHS
I-I'm completely lost.

Well, you know,
as a trans-gentrified individual,

I was born with a p*nis
that I didn't ask for.

Do you really think a woman like me

wants to be reminded of that
all bloody night long?

No, I don't.

Hmm, OK, so...
HE CHUCKLES

..what I think you're saying is,

I should remove everything from
the store that looks like a p*nis?

Man's a genius.

Yes. Yes, I am, Miss p*ssy.
MILLIE GIGGLES

Liv, as your supervisor,

I forbid you to quit
on the first night.

I simply forbid it.

Oh, stand back, everyone, he's got
a little plastic name badge.

Tom, why didn't you tell me
I was a prop?

The only reason
they're offering me this job

is cos they're obviously going
through some sort of PR shitstorm,

and Simon wants to wheel me out
like a prized transgender ham.

Look, just give it a chance, OK?

Sixty-five weeks from now,
when you've saved up for your GRS,

you can shove your shiny new vag*na
in my face.

That... came out wrong.

What you said to Simon
about the male-dominated workspace

was so inspiring.

I look up to you so much.

OK, probably gonna
leave that one alone.

Uh, Liv, this is Millie.

You two have already met, obviously.
Erm, Linda. Olivia.

So, you're a woman.
You should see me park a car.

Linda, Olivia is
just as hard-working,

responsible, and deserving
to be here as anyone else.

LIV CHUCKLES
No, I'm not.

I've already had my hours cut
this month,

and now I've got
to make room for you.

I'm sick of you lot shoving
your PC-ness down our throats.

Well, it's pronounced "p*nis",
but she's got a point, Thomas.

I mean, how much more bloody diverse
does this place wanna be?

We look like the set-up to a joke

that would get you uninvited
to Christmas dinner.

Sorry, ladies,
I just need to quickly go...

Liv, please,
I'm asking you as a friend.

Simon's my boss, and this is
an opportunity to impress him.

Plus, you said if you got
offered a job, you'd take it.

Please don't quit.

LIV EXHALES
Fine.

Thank you.

But I can't help if I get fired.

Wait, what?
W-W-Why would you get fired?

Spoken like a man
with zero imagination.

Liv, you won't get fired
if you follow the rules.

Olivia...

look me in the eye and promise me
you're going to follow the rules.

Let the games begin.

CROWD CHANTING

CHANTING CONTINUES
OUTSIDE

Ha!

Oh, for f...

"Rule one -

"employees are encouraged
to be proactive

"when it comes
to replenishing stock."

TOM SIGHS

Oh, for... Grr!
HE EXHALES

"Rule 21 - staff doors must
remain closed at all times."

SIGHS

GRUNTS,
WHIMPERS

"If you see something obstructing
an aisle, remove it immediately."

Oh, would you look at that?

A for effort, Liv,
but you're in my world now.

And I've got eyes
in the back of my head.

Oh! You are sucking all the fun
out of this game.

What game? At what point did I...?

Hold that thought.

You weren't thinking about
throwing these all away, were you?

No, God, no. No, no, no.

What, er...? What would you suggest
we do with them?

Well, I mean...

it's not enough to simply throw
all the phalluses away, Simon.

You must publicly destroy them
in front of the naysayers,

prove to the world
how Pellocks feels

about transgender women.

To think I was gonna donate all this

to a homeless shelter like an idiot.
HE CHUCKLES

While I've got you, there are some
bath bombs in the toiletry section

that look an awful lot
like testicles.

I'm so sorry. Beefy, change of plan!

Come on.

SOFTLY: Will you make up
your bloody mind?

You were saying? At what point
did I give you the impression

that your employment here
is a life-size game of Mouse Trap?

When you told me I couldn't
get fired if I followed the rules.

Excellent premise.
Challenge accepted.

Why are you so annoyed
by the situation?

Cos I didn't even want you here!

This is where I come
to escape your insanity.

But Pellocks needed
a transgender woman,

and, lo and behold,
there was one mooching on my sofa.

This is a job, Olivia.

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

CLAMOURING
Guys! Guy... People, please!

If you just watch the demonstration,

I wish to make Pellocks' position

on transgender women very clear.

Very clear.

CROWD HUSHES,
HE SNIFFS

Bah!

Huh?

CLAMOURING
Trans rights!

Please! Stop. Stop.

Please, please, stop shouting.

Grr!

Peoples! Thems! I don't know!

I'm trying to be inclusive. Just...

OK.

A willy!

We want a say!
We want trans rights!

I don't know what you want!
I don't know...

Grr! Come on!

ALARM RINGS

Ah...

f*ck! Oof!

What? Oh, my God!

Beefy, deploy!

Oh, no.

expl*si*n

ELECTRICAL BUZZING

Agh!

CHANTING CONTINUES
OUTSIDE

So, you...
you settling in all right?

Good.

You know, that little stunt
you pulled with the fire alarm,

it's... it's a sackable offence.

I know, right?
It's like, "Knock, knock."

"Who's there?" "Being responsible."

"Not today, thanks very much."

Enough. Enough, all right? Erm...

HE EXHALES DEEPLY

I'm really sorry
to have to say this, but...

I'm afraid you're fired, Thomas.

Thomas? What?!
Yeah, what?!

Well, you are Liv's supervisor.

Simon, I...

Fine.

Sit down, Thomas.

Simon, let me tell you
what I think's going on here.

You've got yourself a vag-load

of bloodthirsty trans rights
activists on your doorstep.

And no matter what I do,

the last thing you can do right now
is fire a transgender employee.

But here's the thing -
the only thing worse than firing me

would be if I quit.

Amidst, I don't know,

accusations of a discriminatory
work environment.

You wouldn't do that to me.

Tom stays, or I quit.

Loudly and proudly.

Whoa.

DOOR SLAMS

Liv, you in there?
Yes, Thomas.

Despite the objections
of the right-wing press,

I am, in fact,
in the ladies' bathroom.

HE CHUCKLES WEAKLY
Wow.

Look, er...
you didn't need to do that for me.

And, obviously, that is just
a saying - you definitely did.

Morally, ethically,
entirely your fault, but...

still, thanks.

Er...

And I understand if you want
to leave, I do, but I...

It's important for you to know
that I-I'd like...

I'd like for you to stay.

Thomas...

why would I leave?

This is the most fun I've had
in months.

Apparently,
I can do anything I like,

I'm never gonna get fired.

The buffet is amazing.

Again, not a buffet.
Those are products. Er...

I think you're probably
misunderstanding what I mean

by "stocktake".
Plus, you know...

..all my favourite people are here,
so...

Yeah.

MILLIE OVER PA: 'The protesters
are breaching the building.

'I repeat, the protesters
are breaching the building!'

Do you wanna...?
Sort it out?

Yeah.
Yeah, all right, fine.

Yeah. Cool.

S-Sorted.
CHUCKLES WEAKLY

I'll stay here.

And linger in the women's...

I probably shouldn't linger
in the women's toilet. I'll...

CLAMOURING
Hold fast!

To me, my X-Men!

CREAKING

BEEFY: Not today!

Our turn, Beefy!
Get back!

Simon!
Please, be reasonable!

I fully support
the transgender community.

Sometimes I even pop a bit
of chamomile into my own bath.

It's true, I've seen him do it.
What? What are...? What?

WHISTLING

SHUSHING

FEEDBACK WHINES

When I told my dad
I was becoming a woman,

he looked me up and down,

and he said
that I could never pull it off.

I said, "I'd probably get a doctor
to do that bit, Father.

"I imagine it's quite
a complicated procedure."

Everybody's got opinions.

But opinions are like arseholes.

Worth exploring.

Pellocks may have shat the bed,

but it's time we cleaned up
our mess.

I made a change,

and if you'll give us a chance,
Pellocks can change, too...

..for the better.

CHEERING

Our new transgender employee,
Olivia, everyone.

I'd say give her a big hand,

but I think she's already got two,
am I right?

LAUGHS WEAKLY
Just clap, clap.

Clap, please.
FEEDBACK WHINES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Hallelujah!

# Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

# Hallelujah... #

And starting tonight,
we're launching

our very own in-store fundraiser

to help pay for Olivia's
gender reassignment surgery.

Come again?

So join us in saying goodbye
to her unwanted p*nis,

and hello
to a brighter future together.

Woohoo!

What the f*ck is that?

Oh, sh*t.