07x06 - The Carvery

[bunniefuu]

The following programme contains very
strong language, adult humour

and scenes that some viewers may find
distressing.

♪ BARRETT STRONG: Money [That's I Want] ♪

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

♪ The best things in life are free

♪ But you can give them
to the birds and bees

♪ - I need money...
♪ - That's what I want ♪

♪ - That's what I want
♪ - That's what I want

- ♪ That's what I want...
- That's what I want... ♪

[MUFFLED SHOUTING, BANGING]

Come on you thing...
Why don't you f*cking work?!

The f*ck you doing?

- This building is c*ck!
- It's f*cking freezing.

- It's freezing.
- When did it get like this?

Mid summer, that thing is blazing
away, I can't breathe in here.

As soon as it gets like this,
there's nothing!

Not a thing coming out. Not out
of that f*ck either!

- It is bad.
- Why don't you know when it got cold?

I've been a f*cking weed bunker
for five days, making a living.

- Damn it.
- Five days...

- Yeah.
- Where were you sh1tting?

Never mind where I'm sh1tting.

I've come for a renewal,
on my f*cking medicine,

- I've without now, for a few days.
- Laughter, that's what you need.

That's the best medicine, Vincent.

- Laughter.
- I agree, but I need to be

around people that
don't get on me t*ts, don't I?

- I've got a good one for you.
- Oh.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

- Irish l*sbian goes to the Doctor.
- It's already inappropriate.

- Why?
- Just come on.

The only people you can take the
piss out of now are people like me!

What, f*cking posh c**ts
with fat red heads?

[LAUGHS]

Middle class female athlete
goes to the Doctor, she says,

"Doctor, Doctor I'm very worried.
I think I'm growing a p*nis...

[SIGHS]
I think it's the steroids.

Doctor says "Anabolic?"
She says goes, "No, just the p*nis."

[LAUGHTER]

- See!
- f*ck.

See, you see, that's all you need.

- You don't need pills.
- Still outrageous.

Listen, hurry up dude. Get a repeat
prescription on there, will you?

I've got to go and arrange a truce
meeting between two f*cking lunatics.

[TENSE MUSIC]

[CLOCK TICKING]

I'm telling you now, Vincent,

I'm not meeting him
anywhere of his choosing.

I do not trust that man,
if you can call him a man.

Any venue he picks is likely
to be some sort of trap.

Listen, I get it.
I hear what you're saying.

But after an extensive chat
via the medium of f*cking text,

he's just not happy meeting
anywhere of your choosing.

How the mucky f*ck are we meant to broker
a truce if we can't agree on a location,

- d'you know what I mean?
- Call him up,

tell him that the only agreeable option

is a neutral destination
chosen by a third party.

What third party? What third party?!
Do you know... Sorry.

It's cold weather out, hmm,

we'll go for a carvery...

everybody loves a carvery...

somewhere convivial,
exposed beams, open fires.

Hmm? And if he agrees in principle,
then we...

will chose a destination,
randomly selected from the Internet.

- Do you like a carvery?
- Hmm.

I'm particularly partial
to a roasted parsnip.

But not everywhere does 'em, do they?

Yorkshire pudding, pigs in blankets,
onion gravy, oof...

It's the shizz.

Reminds me of my dad you know,
carvery after me mum f*cked off.

That's sweet.

He used to make me
go down to The Wheatsheaf,

steal as much as I could.

Then we'd sit on the church steps
and eat it.

- Mm.
- Bonding.

My dad used to whack me
with the buckle end of the belt,

call me a fairy cake boy.

He loved a carvery.

I'll ring Kittens.

Right...

thank f*ck we've got a venue.

- Hey?
- Where is it to be, then?

The Highwayman - up Rampton way.
It's a bit high in the hills,

especially in this weather, but...

apparently it does a very good carvery.

Sorry, who the f*ck is Joey Kittens
and why's Davey got a beef with him?

Long...
It's a long, init. Shall I just...

- in a nutshell.
- Hmm.

- Go on.
- Alright.

In a nutshell. [CLEARS THROAT]

[TENSE MUSIC]
A vacuum was created

by the untimely death
of a local gangster...

One who we initially fell foul of by
stealing his daughter's Shetland pony.

- Isn't that right, Ashley?
- Yeah.

What the f*ck?

- [HORN BEEPS]
- Concussion.

Good times. We started selling
and growing weed on his behalf.

Then, ultimately, turned against
him and incarcerated him...

...by planting the severed head...

[SCREAMING]

...of the disgruntle employee
into his wardrobe.

Well, well, well.
What is this doing here?

- As one does.
- Yeah.

Then into this void, stepped two men.

One Joseph Kittens
and one Davey MacDonagh who, uh,

entered fierce territorial dispute.

One which, I dare say...

will not end harmoniously.

- Very well done.
- Thank you very much,

just in a nutshell, you know what I mean?

Carvery, man, I bloody love a carvery.

- Ooh!
- You smell the gravy, don't you?

- The gravy...
- But listen, hey.

The main thing is
we've found a bloody location

where Davey McDonague
and Joseph the Kittens

are gonna f*cking meet, finally. Christ.

Carvery?

Course I like a carvery,
who doesn't like a carvery?

- Apple sauce, buttered spuds...
- Hmm.

- Roasties.
- Spaghetti.

Ye... no.

- That's not in there.
- When you going?

Tomorrow, 2:00pm.

Great, late lunch, a few cheeky Guinness.

Oh, Guinness, happy days, count me in.

- No.
- You're not invited, Michael,

you f*cking jovial toad.

Alright, it's me whose angling
for an invite...

- You're not f*cking going, either!
- No. No. No, if anyone's going,

it's me going.
Sure, I was reared on a carvery,

it was purified and blended down
in to a baby's bottle

- and I would just suck it on it.
- Why would you do that?

- It's full of nutrition.
- Shut up. Stop making f*cking words.

You're not invited, this is a truce
between two violent psychopaths, alright?

We're not going in there
mobhanded. You can f*ck off!

Dickheads!

♪ Why-y-y-y

♪ Lord

♪ Blood...

[CAR REVVING, CREAKING]

f*ck' thing!

♪ Ahh, ha

♪ Oh, Lord

♪ In your veins

♪ Ooh

♪ I said why-y-y-y

♪ Lord

♪ Blood

♪ Running water ♪ Ahh, ha

♪ Oh, Lord. ♪

Woo-hoo-hoo!

It's f*cking freezing.

- OK ready?
- Ah!

I tell you what,
he f*cking better be in there.

Good God.

My trousers are soaking.

♪ DJ SHADOW & RUN THE JEWELS:
Nobody Speak ♪

- [DOG BARKS]
- Oh! f*cking hell!

Sorry about that. He's r*cist.

Well, that's ironic, seeing as
the dog's black.

- [GROWLING]
- You've got a r*cist dog?

Don't blame me, sweetheart.

I like dark women,
Rihanna, Whoopi Goldberg...

- my fantasy threesome.
- [GROWLS]

Alright, then.
It's nice to meet you, then.

- I'm piss wet through.
- I know, love.

I need to get these jeans off.
Will you swap with me?

f*ck, no, I ain't swapping with you,
you lunatic!

- Swap with me.
- What, do you wanna wear my leggings?

What?

Well, I've got leggings on underneath

cos it's bloody Baltic out. I don't mind.

No, they're lady leggings,
I will not be wearing those.

Go and put the f*cking leggings on.

- Alright.
- Your lips are blue.

- f*ck's sake.
- Son of a b*tch.

DAVEY: Mr O'Neil...

Oh, my, my, my.

We have brought the full compliment.

It's just like the last supper...

but which one of you is Judas Iscariot...

Hmm?

Was the last supper a carvery?

And what's with the entourage?

They wanted a f*cking carvery,
didn't they.

And well they might, Vincent,
and well they might.

Stephen is back there now preparing
it, up to his elbows in potato peel.

Isn't that right, Paula...
Oh, Paula is the stand in landlady.

Kathryn and Jeremy are away
for a few days...

- Venice...
- Hmm.

- ...mini break.
- Oh, lovely.

- Nice.
- Hang on a minute.

Does that mean the carvery's not
gonna be as good as usual?

No. Kath and Jez left all the ingredients

and very detailed instructions.

- My Stephen's a whizz in the kitchen.
- Hm.

How is it you're on first name terms
with this landlady?

I came early, Vincent,
to steady my nerves.

And Paula and Stephen
have been the most convivial hosts.

Hey, come on.
Let's take a seat, everyone.

It'll be fine to pull tables
together, won't it, Paula?

Doesn't look like
there's going to be a rush on.

Help yourselves.
Is anyone else having the carvery?

- I want...
- Me please...

MICK: Ham and turkey. I am starving.

Hey. Hey. That bloke in the corner,

- spitting image of Lionel Ritchie.
- Oh, my God, I think it is!

I'm sorry to break it to you,
but it's unlikely

that the American-based Commodores singer

is over there playing dominoes

in the corner of a remote Northern
public house in the middle

of a f*cking snow storm.

- Do y'know what I mean?
- Maybe she offered a carvery.

Oh, f*ck off, Michael.

- What?
- Could be...

ASHLEY: Hello?

Are they alright?

Yeah, they're fine,
they're just a little tight...

Well, is it... Are they just a bit short?

It's not that. It's not that.

Look you don't wanna know what's in here.

Oh, come on, can't be that bad.

- Let's have a...
- No, no, no.

f*cking 'ell. Wow, that is...

That is quite something.

- I know.
- My God, Ash. I mean,

- God, I had no idea.
- We're gonna have to improvise.

I mean, yeah. Absolutely we will.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[TENSE WESTERN MUSIC]

[HORSE NEIGHS]

Let's get some drinks flowing, shall we?

Who wants a wine? They do
a rather delicious French Shiraz.

- I'll have a Guinness.
- Pint of lager.

I'll have a Vodka slimline.

- Oh, I'll have the same.
- Right. So, a red, a white,

pint of lager, pint of Guinness, and
two vodka slimlines - magnifique.

- Thank you, Davey.
- Thank you, Davey.

- Thank you, Davey.
- Thank you!

Nice one, Davey.

Weird! Weird! Weird! Weird!

f*cking weird!

- He's been nicer than normal.
- He is.

- Like he's on somert or somert.
- Maybe he is.

Maybe he's hoofing the chang on the sly.

- Could be hoofing it.
- Or maybe not.

Maybe he's just buzzed
about potentially brokering a truce

and finally getting out of my f*cking
flat upstairs above me pub. Jesus Christ.

- Honestly, it stinks up there!
- Where's Kittens?

He's f*cking late now. Should I ring him?

- What do you reckon?
- I tell you what it'll be.

It'll be a power move, won't it?

He'll come swishing on in...

in a pair of very inappropriate heels.

There's no f*cking signal, anyway.

I'm gonna put some tunes on, cos
it's like a f*cking morgue in here.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[SINISTER MUSIC]

IAN: Where the f*ck are you, Billy?

♪ FUN LOVIN' CRIMINALS:
The Fun Lovin' Criminal ♪

♪ Yee-haw! ♪

Ah, for Go...
What the f*ck are you wearing?

I needed some extra coverage.

It's because of your long p*nis...

- Yes.
- Oh.

Oh, my God, have you seen
the size of that thing?

- Knocked me sick.
- Yeah.

- It's upsetting.
- Fancy a game of darts?

No, I can't, love. I'm just here
for carvery with some friends.

- I believe it's very good.
- Oh, it is.

Kathryn and Jeremy do a fine carvery...

dollop of butter in their greens
and a secret roasties glaze.

Some say they mix
their love juices in it.

- Right.
- Y'know...

It's not like them two to take a holiday.

Jeremy hates flying.

And they only went away a month ago,
down south,

Dorset I think,
said they got an Indian Summer.

Right.

And then when I was leaving here
last night, I said to Kath, I said,

"See you tomorrow, Kath."
Do you know what she said?

- No.
- "See you tomorrow."

Surprise trip... or anniversary?

♪ Stick 'em up, punk
It's the fun lovin' criminal. ♪

LIZ: Here you go.

- Not many in here today.
- Yeah. Yeah.

It's the snow. They're saying
it's gonna dump down.

To be honest with yer, I nearly
didn't open up today, because...

I actually had a very discombobulating
experience back at the house.

- What happened?
- Well, there was a knock at the door,

so I opened the door
and there was a man standing there...

face like thunder and he says...

- Do you live here?
- Well, yeah, obviously...

I live here and he says...

I live on the next street,
our gardens back on to one another,

and I'm not being funny,
but I can see everything

that goes on in this house.

So, I'm thinking,

what am I doing, y'know?
My mind's racing cos

sometimes I do have a bit of a dance
in the kitchen when I'm pissed,

but usually I have me clothes on.
Anyway, then he says...

From my back window, we can see
everything - and it needs to stop.

Now I'm in a panic,
I'm like what have I done?

What needs to stop? I mean,

I do this like squirty cream thing
sometimes, but I doubt it's that.

Anyway, then I remember...

I had climbing Ivy put in over
the window for that very reason,

so I'm amazed you can see
anything at all...

But Um... Yeah, come in,
come through and have a look.

So, I took him through to me garden

and he looked at the climbing
Ivy and he went...

I must be looking into next door.

And off he went,

as if he'd never even made an accusation.

- What a knobhead.
- Yeah.

Begs to the question:
what have next door been up to?

Exactly. What has gotta stop?
What are they doing?

Something he doesn't like seeing.

Hm.

I kind of want to know what it is now.

- Yeah. Me too.
- And me.

Was actually thinking of sitting
in their garden and watching 'em,

but I don't want people thinking
I'm like quack quack.

- I'll come with you.
- I'll come with you.

OK.

Davey, love, do you not think
we should hang on

for Joey Kittens.
I'm just thinking maybe-

Maybe he's changed his mind, Vincent.

He can be a very capricious
creature, can Joey Kittens.

Now come on, dig in.

Right. Yes, no, listen,

I don't mean to be rude,
but it does have the distinct whiff

of, um, sort of elderly persons breath.

You know what I mean, Stilton, in't it.

So I might just, uh, pop out
and have cigarette, instead.

Is that alright? Yeah.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

MAN: Hello.

Alright mate, yeah.

f*ck!

f*cking 'ell!

[WIND WHISTLING]

[MUFFLED GROANING, SHOUTING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Hello.

[CROCKERY CLATTERING]

[SOFTLY] Hello...

Hello...

Hello?

[LOUDER] Hello.

- [MAN GROANS]
- f*cking 'ell.

sh*t.

Oh, my f*cking God!

f*cking hell!

Oh, sh*t, that... that is bad.

f*cking 'ell, mate,
that's a bad wound, that is...

You need... You need to get
to hospital, mate.

Jesus Christ, that's a lot of blood.

[GROANS] Davey.

Davey?

Davey.

Right, OK.

f*ck. I don't know.

OK, put that on yourself, love.
Press on that.

Stem the bleeding, stem the bleeding.

Ah, no, no. I'm gonna lift you up
a little bit, sweetheart.

Lift yourself up, there we go!
Ah, no, sorry, sorry, sorry.

You just...

I'm gonna call an ambulance.
I'm gonna call...

f*ck, no signal.

Right. Just...

Don't move. Right.

[TENSE MUSIC]

Vinnie...

Vinnie, did you want to have a look
at the Highway Man memorabilia room?

Do I f*ck, I'm tryna get through
this liquid sadness here, aren't I..

In here...

Vinnie, come and have a look
at The Highwayman memorabilia room.

Oh, yeah. No, I did say, um...
Yeah, mentioned that I was interested...

- ...in the history of the...
- Tri corner hats.

- The f*ck's wrong with you? What's up?
- I'll tell you what's up.

Upstairs, in an upstairs room,

Joey Kittens is lying
in a pool of real f*cking blood,

with his guts hanging out,
substantial stomach wound.

f*ck me, dude!

- Well, hey, is he alive?
- For now... yeah...

...meanwhile Davey is swanning
about suspiciously upbeat,

saying to everyone that Joey
hasn't arrived yet,

when upstairs is a f*cking bloodba-

- Oi. Oi.
- Just...

Oh, my God. Look at them blades.

Oh... Oh...

Pistols up mounted with original b*ll*ts.

[MIMICS g*nf*re]
Shut up!

- Problem?
- Yes, there's a f*cking problem.

- S'up?
- Joey Kittens...

is bleeding to death
from a f*cking knife wound upstairs.

Davey has f*cked us right up the an*s.

Hang on a minute. The woman, you
know the one with the mad eyebrow,

she said that the landlord
and landlady never go abroad -

- and that they should be here today.
- Right. Right.

The questions are these,
where the f*ck are they,

and who the f*ck are Paula and Stephen.

f*ck me, dude.

One week after the burial,

d*ck Turpin's body was dug up

and it was sold for ill*gal dissection.

Davey! Davey,
what the f*ck have you done man?!

You tell me, Monsieur?

He's f*cking stabbed Joey Kittens.

He's upstairs, he's f*cking bleeding out.

- Is he alright?
- No, Sugar. Unsurprisingly, no.

He is urgent need of urgent
medical attention, urgently.

Now, gentlemen, come on.

We've only just had the starter,

they haven't even wheeled the meat
out, yet.

Davey, for f*ck's sake...

I'm just so very...

disappointed in you, Vincent...

snooping around.

What the f*ck?!

Davey,
for f*ck's sake, man. This is crazy.

No!
[ALL EXCLAIM]

- Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, calm yourself.
- [WHISPERS] sh*t!

You were all very excited

to come here for the highly-rated
dining experience.

So I suggest, that you all take a seat,

and when Stephen wheels in the meat,
we fill our boots, hmm?

Davey, just put the f*cking
knife down. Come on.

Listen, man,
this is supposed to be a truce.

It's not exactly gonna happen
if one of you ends up dead, is it?

Law of the jungle, garage boy...

eat or be eaten.

[TENSE WESTERN MUSIC]

Davey...

♪ HOWLIN' WOLF: Smokehouse Lightin' ♪

[WHEELS SQUEAKING]

Ladies and gentlemen,
your carvery is served.

I must say, it looks great.

Give over, Michael! You great twat.
Look what's going on. f*ck's sake.

Oi, where's the real landlady
and landlord right now?

Look, everything will be fine, as long as

Kittens agrees to all of my demands!

Vincent, why don't you bring
Shirley Temple over there.

I think she will be somewhat invested

in this particular conversation.

Right. Well, then, I wanna come.

No, thank you, little red riding
hair. You just eat your greens.

And if anyone of you tries
to raise the alarm,

then I'm just gonna carve
these two like a doner kebab.

And I'm gonna turn
this convivial country pub

into a scene... of untold...

f*cking carnage.

Okey-dokey?

f*ck me.

Uumm...

Oh, Stephen...

Mm!

What demands, Davey?

McCann's money is my money.

And I want Joey to agree

that I am in control
of McCann's territory from now on.

And he's to send a message to
all interested parties telling them

- that that is the case.
- Davey, listen to me.

He's not gonna agree to any of that.

And why the f*ck, why have you
dragged Fay up here, for God's sake?

I think you'll be surprised...

what people will do
when they feel their life force...

...ebbing away...

Uncle J! Oh, f*ck!

- Uncle J, Uncle J...
- Davey, what the f*ck?!

You alright. Look at me. Look at me.

Fay, is Joey Kittens is your Uncle?

Yeah, I don't f*cking know him as
that - he's my Uncle J.

Nice family reunion.

You need to help him.
He's f*cking bleeding out!

Can you hear me? Can you hear me?

This is bad, Ashley. This is
very, very, very f*cking bad.

And, actually, I would go as far to say,

I fear for our lives, mate.

Ah, Davey's losing
his f*cking mind in there,

and there is f*ck all
we can do about it. I don't know.

[TENSE WESTERN MUSIC]

- Here, we'll ask him?
- No. No. Ashley!

- Hey, how are yer?
- We don't know who he is, do we, love?

Hello, there!

Are you... [CHUCKLES]
Are you here for the carvery?

Am I f*ck.

Looking for my brother-in-law.

Does he have a r*cist dog?

Or perhaps an eye patch?

Does he like Lionel Ritchie?

- No.
- No.

But he was here first thing
this morning...

and according to his wife's tracker,
he's still here.

Right, well,
their windows are the same as mine,

and him back there says he can see
straight into it.

So I reckon if we hide down
the side of that shed,

we should be able to get a perfect view.

- Side of the shed?
- Hmm.

Why not inside the shed.
It's got a window.

- It's got a padlock, Jim.
- Padlock?

I can have that f*ck off
in two seconds flat.

Are you seriously suggesting breaking
and entering someone's private property?

Yes, I f*cking well am!

- Fine, it's f*cking freezing.
- Yeah, it is.

- Piece of piss.
- Let me in.

- There you go, a f*cking heater.
- Hey, and a kettle.

Bingo and look at that, perfect view.

Now all we've got to do is sit
here and wait.

Ta-da!

Beers for the boys...

pina colada for the lady. Cheers.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

[SINISTER MUSIC]

Davey, please. Please, dude.
This is f*cking insane!

Let's just talk about this like
reasonable f*cking human beings.

Simple fix here, Joey.

Seriously? Seriously,
you wanna f*cking die!

Listen, Davey, please, I'm begging you.

He needs f*cking help. He's bleeding out.

He wanted me dead, made plans
to make it happen - by you.

What the f*ck are you talking about,
you twisted f*ck?!

Joey! Joey! he's gonna leave you
to f*cking bleed out, dude.

[GROANS] Closer, closer...

[MUTTERING]

What's he saying?

He said to tell Davey to...

f*ck his dead brother.

[LAUGHS]

f*ck my dead brother?

[LAUGHS]

Okey-dokey.

[GRUNTS, SCREAMS]

The f*ck, f*cking stop! Dude.

What the f*ck...

Davey. Davey. Davey.

For f*ck's sake dude,
you are going too far.

Get in here. Now stay the f*ck there.

f*cking 'ell are you
locking her in there for?

- Vinnie, Vinnie!
- What do you f*cking want now?

A bloke's just arrived...

looking for his brother-in-law, he says
he disappeared this morning.

- Disappeared?
- Oh, how strange [!]

- I'll have a word with him.
- Oh!

f*ck me in the arse.

Get out of here, your big fat hands.
What the f*ck is going on?!

- What they doing?
- Not much.

She's f*cking about on her phone
and he's doing a bit of cooking.

Oh, what... what are they having?

Looks like some poncy omelette.

- Ah.
- Knock. Knock.

I can see everything
that goes on in your house

- and it's f*ck boring.
- [LAUGHS]

Well, I don't mind.

I got me drinks, I got me snacks,

got me two hunky boys for company.

Him hunky?

I've seen more meat on an anorexic
pencil.

Hey, f*cking lean me.

No, you've got a great body,
for a man your age.

- Thank you.
- And you, you've got lovely hair.

My ex-husband, he had long hair.
It's like Samson.

f*cking Delilah more like.
Looks a right c**t.

Oh, it's alright for you men.

When you get to my age, as a women,

everyone just looks right through you.

- No, you're still worth one.
- You're still a good looking woman.

Aw, thanks boys.

How long have you been split, then,
if you don't mind my asking?

Oh, years and years.

I had a lover when Sugar was little.
What a man.

Wow. He really knew what to do
in the downstairs department.

He's dead now, sadly.

Do you ever try and speak to him?

She's just told you he's f*cking dead.

- Yeah.
- You can speak with the dead.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

Seances. Hold them every month
at my farm, with select friends.

He's talking shite.

When you're dead, you're f*cking dead.

Your f*cking heart stops,
your brain stops,

then they f*cking burn you.

And that's all there is to it.

- Can we try it, though?
- [GRUMBLES]

Shall we give it a whirl?

[MUMBLES] f*cking 'ell.

♪ MUDDY WATERS: Mannish Boy ♪

My brother-in-law's a delivery
driver - local pies and quiches.

Delivers to this place every other day.

Look... today...

...he never left.

Ooh.

Well, sometimes they don't update
those things, do they?

Especially in bad signal. It's
probably the weather playing havoc.

Something's wrong...

I can feel it in me piss.

What a masterful grasp you have

of the English language, that's rare...

in a manual worker. What is your name?

- Ian.
- I'll tell you what I'll do for you,

Ian...

I will go and ask the landlord, hmm?

Why don't you get yourself a...

a nice pint of bitter?

[TENSE MUSIC]

I don't wanna pint of bitter,

I want to look around. It says
he's here, so he must be here.

Unless you've got something to hide.

Oh, you're referring
to my designer Chelseas.

Well, that's just from where
I was cutting up the meat

for the succulent carvery.

But if you really want to have
a look around this establishment,

why don't you just ask Paula,
the landlady, and if she agrees,

knock yourself out.

- I'd like to look around, please.
- Well... [SIGHS]

I'm quite busy here...
so... I'd rather you didn't...

I want... to look.

Come on, then.

Follow me.

I've got a bad, bad feeling about this.

Me too. f*cking 'ell.

There's two people bleeding
profusely upstairs.

What's he gonna do?
Show them to pie man's

unfeasibly large brother-in-law?

We need help. We need help. Listen,

stay with here, I'm gonna go see if
we can find some reception.

Alright.

- Shall we?
- Yeah.

- [TENSE MUSIC]
- [SIGHS] Oh, f*ck me.

[EXHALES]

[KEYBOARD CLICKING] Oh, sh*t.

Oh, no, f*ck.

So, this is where the magic happens.
[BELL JINGLES]

What's down there?

Cellar, storage rooms, y'know.

Might he have gone down there
for some reason?

Unlikely, delivering pies.

Can I have a look?

Be my guest.

♪ HOZIER: It Will Come Back ♪

Alright, lads.
Sorry, do you mind if we follow?

Just I've always wanted to see
what the inside

of a real pub cellar looks like.

If you insist.

As you can see, nothing but barrels,
crates and, well,

an abundance of cheese and onion crisps.

♪ Howling outside your door...

What's in there?

No idea.

I wanna see inside.

It seems unlikely, Ian,

that your brother-in-law
would get himself into a...

tiny room in a pub cellar and then...

just somehow accidentally get
locked inside, don't you think?

Even so...

can we open it?

Okey dokey.

I think I've got the key here somewhere.

♪ Don't you hear me howling, babe?

♪ Don't you hear me howling, babe?

♪ Don't you hear me howling, babe? ♪

[SCREAMING]

- Oh!
- Davey, what the fu...

[BANGING]

[MUFFLED] Open this door!

What fresh hell's this now?

Well, in a nutshell.

We've had two stabbings,
a kidnap and a couple imprisoned.

- Kathryn and Jez.
- Oh, f*cking 'ell.

IAN: Hey, let me out!

- The f*ck are they doing in there, then?
- Long story, Vincent.

It's a f*cking long story, is it?

Calm yourself down.
Nobody's gonna get hurt.

They can breathe in there.

What a sweetheart.

f*ck you, Stephen, you
beady eyed b*stard.

- Oi!
- What?

- He's lost his f*cking mind.
- I f*cking know that.

Get them poor b*stards out.
I'll go and deal with the psychopath.

- Davey! Davey, love...
- How?!

Oh, like that. Right, yeah.

Ooh, f*cking hell.

[HUSHED] Davey! Davey! Davey!

Davey! Listen,
just tell me what's happening.

If the real landlord and landlady are
f*cking bound and gagged downstairs,

who the f*ck are Paula and Stephen, man?

My cousins.

- Your cousins.
- That's right.

When the venue was agreed upon,
then I had an epiphany.

Remote pub run by an ageing couple,

I realised this might be the chance
I'd been waiting for.

So I came up last night on a recce.

Ah, perfect.

Got talking to Kathyrn and Jeremy,
lovely couple.

Pretended I was opening
my own gastro pub.

Asked a few casual questions,

and they were only too happy to answer.

Once the cleaner's gone of a morning,
it's just me and Kath...

prepping all the food,
getting the bar fully stocked...

♪ THE BLACK ANGELS: Bad Vibration ♪

So I slept in my car and first thing,

Stephen and Paula arrived.

And we waited... until...

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Hello?

Oh, f*ck!

I didn't see anything, I swear.

You f*cking pushed him off
a f*cking cliff?

Did I say cliff?

I said gully.

f*cking hell.

- Is he alive?
- He wasn't in the van, Vincent.

- Urgh. Where is he?
- He's in a safe location.

He was in danger
of f*cking everything up.

- Sante.
- Sante.

[GROANS]

Change of plan, Joey.

The pub only serves carvery till 2:00pm,

so you need to arrive by 1:30pm.
Toodle-oo.

[DOOR OPENS]

Joey, Henchman.

I'm afraid that Vincent
hasn't arrived yet,

it's probably the weather.

May I buy you a beverage,
while we're waiting?

Hmm?
[DOG GROWLS]

Why not.

Between 17:35 and 17:37...

[SPEECH DISTORTS]

...but nobody knows for sure.

Fascinating.

You feeling OK, Joey?

You f*ck.

Ryan, k*ll the twat.

What you waiting for, Ryan?

k*ll the twat.

That's another one! Where's he?

- Outside, in the boot of my car.
- Oh, you...

Go on, then. What happened?

Joey Kittens,
this is what I want you to do,

and if you do not agree,
then you and this...

...carvery food spike thing

are gonna become very acquainted.

- Yes?
- 'Yes, Davey.'

- 'Yes.'
- Shall I, uh...

- start heating the puddings yet?
- f*ck me, Stephen.

Why don't you go and see how
they're getting on with their mains?

There's a good boy.

Why did you even carry on
with the f*cking carvery,

if you've stabbed him already,
do you know what I mean?

[TENSE MUSIC]

"There's knocking at the gate.

Come, come, come, come...

give me your hand.

What's done cannot be undone."

Hmm.

That's really scary.

Lady Macbeth.

f*ck me, Lady Macbeth. For God's sake!

This is f*cked, it's unhinged!

Alright, and it's not you. This isn't
you, you're not a k*ller. You're not!

Well, I'm very touched by this

outpouring of concern for me, Vincent.

And yes, things have got
a tad out of control. But...

why don't you just go back there
and enjoy the carvery

while I sit here, and try and figure
out a way to resolve things.

Alright. Well, if you mean that,
you'll give me an hug.

Come on.

It's not like you to be shy is it.
Come on.

It's not that is it? Christ.

- [SIGHS]
- Alright, man.

[SINISTER MUSIC]

Are there any spirits here today?

- No, but she's got a pina colada.
- You can't speak, it scares 'em away.

Does it really, the imaginary spirits.

- Jim, please.
- Are there any spirits here today?

[INHALES SHARPLY]

Yes. There are spirits.

Is it someone known
to the living in the room?

- [INHALES SHARPLY]
- [GASPS]

- It is someone known.
- Well, now there's a f*cking surprise.

Hey, and if they're known to me what
the f*ck are they doing hanging about

in her next door neighbour's garden shed?

Jim!

What is your name?

P... A... U... L.

Is it Paulie? Is it...
Is it Paulie Turner?

Yeah, Who... Who... Who's Paulie?

He's my ex-lover that I told you about.

- I can't believe it.
- No, neither can I.

Paulie! Is it you?

- I'm feeling a voice saying yes.
- [GASPS]

- He's says he misses you.
- Oh.

And he's asking if there anything
you'd like... to say to him.

Is there anything from the afterlife
that he wants me to know?

[INHALES SHARPLY]

He says life is short.

You must do
what you've always wanted to do,

before it's too late.

He says... [INHALES SHARPLY]

No, no, no. [INHALES SHARPLY]
He's fading.

- He's fading.
- [GASPS]

He's fading.

- He's gone.
- Oh, for f*ck's sake.

Do what I've always wanted to do...

Um, I mean that...
I did... I did tell him...

I asked him to do it, but he said he...

he did want to so...

What was that, then?

Well...

It's a bit out there.

[DOORBELL DINGS]

[DISTANT SHOUTING]

[GRUNTING]

Yeah! f*cking have it.

[MOANING]

Dirty b*stard.

Go on, go on, go on.

[ALL GRUNTING, MOANING]

Oh, my f*cking God.

No.

- No, no, no.
- Come on!

Harder!

Lovely, thank you.

- Very romantic, that.
- [CHUCKLES] Thanks.

We've tried, but it's like
Fort f*cking Knox down there.

[WAILS]

No one's getting out of there
without a key.

sh*t!
[BELL CHIMING]

What the f*ck's this now?

[BELL RINGING FRANTICALLY]

Now I'm sorry to interrupt
everybody's day.

But there's good news and bad news.

Now the good news is

because the snow is getting heavier,

Paula and Stephen are offering everybody

in the bar a free drink!

- MICK: Happy days.
- The bad news is...

No f*ck...

- ...leaves this pub...
- sh*t.

...until I f*cking say so!

[g*n c*ck]

[TENSE WESTERN MUSIC]

[WIND WHISTLING]

There's no cause for alarm, hmm?

Just put your mobiles
into the coal bucket

that Paula is bringing around.

We have a bit of a situation unfolding,

but we do not want anybody panicking.

There's no signal, anyway.

Don't look so glum, hmm?

You've got your free drinks.

Blitz spirit, all in it together.

Ooh! Who can sing?
Somebody sing us a song!

Impressions, then.

- Yes.
- I'm a talented comedian,

- King of the One Liners.
- JJ: Shut the f*ck up, man.

Things are bad enough,
you're just gonna set him off.

What was that, JJ?

Oh, do you want to come up,
is that what it is?

- Oh, come on. Don't be shy.
- No, thank you.

I really don't have, like,
a party trick or anything.

Poppycock.

You came at me once,
do you remember, because of her.

You knocked me onto my derriere.

You have depths we haven't seen yet.

Well, come on, everybody.
Give him a round of applause.

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

The stage is yours, young man.

[TENSE WESTERN MUSIC]

[ATTEMPTS BEATBOXING]

[WHISPERS] Go in to my back
left-hand pocket, there's a key.

There's a bedroom upstairs
and Fay's in it, she's hurt.

- What the f*ck. Was it Davey?
- She's gonna live,

but she needs checking on.
You need to go, now.

He's gonna f*cking notice me, isn't he?

I'll cover for you. Go now.

- Do you have anything else?
- [MIMICS BIRD COOS]

Now.

- Oh, my f*cking God. Oh, sh*t.
- [GROANS]

[WHISPERS] f*ck. f*ck.

[LOCK RATTLING]

Oh, sh*t.

My God, Fay. f*ck, my God. Are you OK?

- I am grand. Grand. Grand.
- sh*t. f*ck.

- Where's Davey?
- [STUTTERS] He's downstairs.

He's got the whole f*cking pub hostage.

I don't think we're gonna
be able to get out.

Do you wanna bet?

[MUTTERS] Jesus f*cking Christ.

- Is it an elephant?
- An Elephant?

f*ck me! just get him off!

I f*cking have jokes,
proper good f*cking jokes.

So give him a chance! He's got a
great banger about a pope and a rat-

How about you sing us a song?

- I don't sing songs.
- Well, tough sh*t,

sweet cheeks,
because that is what I want.

Someone must be able to give us
a f*cking song!

- Who can sing us a song?
- Go on, then.

Why me?

Come on, do us a nice little ditty, hmm?

Something to keep the f*cking
mood light, cheer us all up.

[ALARM BLARES]
[DOG BARKS]

- What's that?
- Probably nothing.

Nothing?

That isn't nothing. That is
a f*cking alarm, sweetheart.

And where is she? Hmm?

Little orphan Annie, where is she?

Where is she?

She's gone to the toilet for a piss, man.

- Toilet?
- Yes.

Yes!

Knife.

Stephen, you keep these f*ck here.

Vincent.

[ALARM BLARING]
[DOG BARKING]

f*ck.

Careful, Vinnie.

Stephen, do you wanna hear
some funny jokes?

Yeah. Yeah. Do... Do your jokes.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

f*cking c**ts!

Is this you, Vincent?

f*ck, no. No, it's...

I have finally found...

- our Judas Iscariot?
- God's sake, Davey.

I was in the f*cking bar
with you seconds ago!

How could it be me?!

Let me tell you a story...

f*ck's sake.

[RATTLING]

Everyone thinks...

Judas hanged himself out of remorse
for what he did to Jesus.

That's not the truth.

No, the truth... The truth is...

Oh, f*ck, Davey! What the f*ck?!

Vincent!

- f*ck!
- The truth is he was found dead

in the field that he bought
with the stolen money

and his intestines spewing out
of his body.

Revenge?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Surely one of the disciples
wouldn't cause such butchery?

Someone did. Hmm?

Someone found the betraying c**t
and pulled his insides outside.

Davey, I'm not Judas, am I?

And you're certainly not f*cking Jesus.

I mean, honestly, if they've gone
just let them go, I say.

Let them go...?

I think you're forgetting
the ostrich head

and the threat on my life, Vincent.

[ALARM BLARING]

What's the problem with eating a clock?

We have to do something here.
I don't like that Vinnie's out there

- with Davey on his own.
- What are you thinking?

I'll create a distraction...
then we'll all pile out, yeah?

Alright.

Why did the frog get the bus to work?

Because his car got toad.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mick Dennings,
the pride of the Emerald Isle.

Wasn't he fantastic?

Do you wanna see Uncle Ashley
do a juggling trick?

Oh, yes!

- Yes. Yes.
- Juggling, for f*ck's sake.

Yes! Go on.

I think they want to see Uncle Ashley...

doing empty pint glass juggling trick.

Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Good man.

Now I've got one pint glass,
do I have a second...

Curtis Plum, you are a legend.
Thank you for that.

- Stephen, if you don't mind.
- Yeah. Yeah, use that one.

Now, it's a very simple set of...

[SIGHS] Butter fingers.

You know what, I hate when things
just fall down and smash!

[GRUNTS]
Ahh!

- PAULA: b*stard!
- Stop.

- sh*t. She's down!
- Get away from this danger!

[DOG BARKING]
f*cking hell!

God Almighty.

K-9! r*cist K-9.

♪ LITTLE RICHARD: Money Honey ♪

♪ Money honey, woo... ♪

[COUGHS]

- Vin?
- Vinnie?

Vin?

- Can't see a f*cking thing.
- Vin?

Oi, look. Footprints this way.

[TENSE MUSIC]

How can it just stop?
They must be nearby.

I know, but just listen, dude.
I think we should go back.

We need a f*cking warm up.
We'll have a cup of tea.

We'll just talk about all this, try
and figure it out. It's out of hand.

- Vinnie!
- f*cking hell.

- Vin!
- f*ck.

- Vinnie!
- Vin.

- Vin.
- Vinnie.

Vinnie.

Vinnie.

Gotcha ya.

You can't hide forever, Joseph.

[BREATHING WILDLY]

Where are you?

Oh, fu...

[WHISPERS] Oh, f*ck.

Oh, f*ck me.

Oh, no, f*cking 'ell.

Joey, I am so sorry, bud. f*ck me.

Phone...

Must...
[g*n c*ck]

- Hey...
- You knew.

- Didn't you?
- [STUTTERS] Just...

You knew he was gonna do this!

Just let's put that down.
Just put the f*cking g*n down.

- He was my Uncle!
- Yeah, I know.

I didn't know, I had no idea.

- Now he's f*cking dead!
- Fay. Fay.

Listen to me, listen,
I had know idea he was your uncle.

I'm really f*cking sorry. Listen,

Davey's a f*cking nut case, he's a
law unto himself, he's a f*cking-

- You f*cking double crossed us!
- I swear to God almighty, I didn't.

I thought I heard voices.

f*ck!
[g*n c*ck]

One more move, sweetheart,
I'll blow her f*cking head off.

Then I'll...
I'll blow his f*cking head off.

You seem to be under the impression
that that would concern me.

Well, it f*cking concerns me.

Oi.

Put that g*n down.

You wouldn't dare.

- Put the g*n down.
- You haven't got the bottle, Vincent.

Put the g*n down, man.

[TENSE MUSIC]

Do you know, a couple of months ago

we were on the edge of a f*cking
cliff and a sh*t rusty old bus

and we all nearly died.

And when we got off, we vowed
to live our lives to the full

and not get wrapped up
with f*cking psychopaths...

that'll try sh**t us!

Now I am telling you for the last time...

put that f*cking g*n down!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

- Vinnie?!
- Vinnie?!

[g*nsh*t]

[BIRDS SQUAWKING]

[WIND WHISTLING]

[SOMBRE MUSIC]

♪ GLEN HANSARD: You Will Become ♪

'This is my family. Here.'

[LAUGHTER]

'You're the ones that cheer me up
when I am sad.'

I tell you what, it's actually quite
cosy this place ain't it?

Yeah.

You are never gonna believe this...

We've only gone and done it,
it is the right room.

'You're the ones who put a smile
on my face when I feel like sh*t.'

- I love you, dude.
- I love you, too, man.

Look after yourself, yeah?

I love you.

I care for you.

You're my dad?

Yeah, I am. Yeah.

Right, I will see you soon.

Yeah.

- ERIN: Do you want to do it?
- Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Yes. I want to do Titanic.

It's quite nice, in't it?

It's like we're flying, in't it?

I always think about what you whispered.

[WHISPERS] 34%...

...was always...

ECHOES: enough.

[BIRDS SQUAWKING]

[WIND WHISTLING]

♪ SIR JOE QUARTERMAN:
So Much Trouble In My Mind ♪