Teenage Exorcist (1991)

[bunniefuu]

[graphics whooshing]
[graphics clanging]

[graphics whooshing]
[graphics clanging]

[birds chirping]
[dark eerie music]

[blood dripping]
[dark eerie music]

- Hola!

Hola, senora?

Is anybody home?

[blood dripping]

[intense suspenseful music]

[intense dramatic music]
[maid screaming]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ He's got the devil on the run ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Hold on by what you can see ♪

♪ I'm your mystery ♪

♪ Won't someone set me free ♪

♪ Of my misery now ♪

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ He's go the devil on the run ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ He's got the devil on the run ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Doing what I've never seen ♪

♪ Somewhere in between ♪

♪ Hell's inferno domain ♪

♪ And reality smiles ♪

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ He's got the devil on the run ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ He's got the devil on the run ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

[upbeat rock music]

[hammer pounding]

[playful eerie music]

[Dianne gasping]
- Glad you could make it.

Hard to find even if
you've been here before.

A young man got lost up here years ago.

I don't think they ever found, never mind.

I don't have to remind you
what a deal you're getting.

The cheapest place around
here goes for $850 a month,

and that's without utilities.
- I know.

Could you help me with me with my stuff?

- Oh, right.

[playful eerie music]

[mysterious music]
[door creaking]

[dark eerie music]

You've already seen the place.

This is the living room where people...

- Live.

- Right.

- That's comforting.

- Completely furnished.

Water and power is on.

Telephone is hooked up.

I guess that's it.

I'll be seeing you.

- Hey, are you in a hurry?

- No, no, no.

I just need to be
[eerie howling]

out of here before dark

for a dinner engagement.

- What about the check?

How much do I owe you?

- $50.
- 50?

- Okay, $25.

That's my last offer.

- Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

- I most certainly would not.

That about does it.

Enjoy yourself.

[playful eerie music]

[door creaking]

[playful eerie music]

[intense dramatic music]
[sign creaking]

[paper rustling]

- Be happy for me.

I've got my very own place.

[dark eerie music]

And you don't live here anymore.

[jaunty dramatic music]

[soft eerie music]

[Dianne screaming]

[intense dramatic music]
[snake hissing]

[eerie suspenseful music]

[phone ringing]

Hello?
- Hi.

I was just trying out
this new phone number

to see how, see if it works.

- Well, it does.

How did you get it?

- Well, I was passing through
foreign languages department

and they just happen to, uh-

- Happen to have it
laying out in plain sight?

- Something like that.

So you need any help with anything?

- Um, no thank you.

- Oh, well, I could be over in 10 minutes

to help you move boxes.

- I've managed all by myself.

- Well, I'll be over in 10
then to help you unpack.

- I've already started.

Honestly, Jeff, this is something
I can best do by myself,

and I really don't have time
to chat right now, okay?

- Well, okay.

How about if I call you later
to see how you're doing?

- Fine. I'll talk to you later.

Bye-bye.

[phone ringing]

- Hello?
- Hi, sis.

- Dianne! You sound so happy.

So what happened?

- Sally, this place is a palace
compared to campus housing.

I'm gonna plant a rose
garden in the backyard

and hang some stained glass up.

- Oh, sweetheart, you got
that position at the college?

- Well, no.

They offered me a student
teaching job, a part-time thing.

I'm holding out for a faculty position.

- Then you'll have to finish that degree.

- Yes, and I can do it here.

I'm alone, I've got the time and the space

to get re-inspired.

My life is turning around, Sally.

I can feel it.

Something is happening to me.

- Hmm, like that romance, huh?

- Romance? What?

Oh, Jeff? [laughing]

That is hardly a romance.

Anyway, I want you and Mike
to come up and see this place,

just as soon as I get
it all straightened up.

- Okay, but you remember to eat properly

and don't lift anything heavy,

and do try and get some sleep, okay?

- Sally, I can take care of myself.

Give my love to Mike.

Oh, oh, guy asked his doctor,

"Is it true that if you
don't smoke, you don't drink,

and don't fool around you'll live longer?"

And the doctor says, "I don't know.

We're still waiting for
somebody to try it."

[Sandy laughing]

- You are so bad, little one.

Listen, sweetheart, I'll let you go, okay?

- [Dianne] Bye, Sal.
- Bye.

[dark eerie music]

[phone ringing]

- Hello?

- I bet you'd love company for dinner.

I got a pizza and I've
been saving a bottle

of Gallo Vin Rose for a special occasion.

How about tonight?

- No, Jeff, I just ate, but thanks anyway.

- Dianne, I've been
dying to see you again.

- Jeff, look, I'm just trying to sort

my life out, all right?

I need some space.

I've got a lot to do.
[dark eerie music]

I'll be tied up all weekend.

Now please, Jeff, don't
take this the wrong way,

but I like being alone.

- [Jeff] Sure, Dianne. I understand.

- [Dianne] Come on. Don't pout.

Be nice. Just call me in a few days, okay?

- Sure. I'll call whenever you want.

[dark eerie music]

[soft rustling]
[dark eerie music]

[wind howling]

[phone ringing]

♪ I want a girl just like the girl ♪

- Jeffrey.

- Look, I really need to see you, Dianne.

- Jeff, no.

[phone ringing]

Enough is enough.

Don't call me anymore tonight, Jeff.

Jeff, did you hear me?

Do you have anything to say?

[demon growling]

[phone ringing]

[dark eerie music]

[electricity crackling]

[dark eerie music]

Well?

Is this a joke?

[wind howling]
[dark eerie music]

What do you want with me?

J.

O.

I.

N.

U.

S.

Join us.

What if I just say no?

[intense dramatic music]

[soft ethereal music]

[soft eerie music]

[maniacal laughing]

[demon growling]

Who's there?

[dark eerie music]
[demon growling]

[intense dramatic music]

[Baron laughing maniacally]

- I am the Baron DeSade,

and I shall live here forever!

[intense dramatic music]

- No!

[wind howling]

[Baron laughing maniacally]

No!

- Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah.

We're gonna stick it to 'em.

We're gonna give 'em
the royal shaft, right?

I like it. I like it.

Yeah.

Yeah. Hold on a second.

I got somebody on the other line here.

Hello? Yeah.

Long distance from Australia?

Well, oh, sure.

Yeah, I'll take it. Fine.

Oh, Jerry!

Hey, it's Jerry.

Jerry! Hey, how's that
kangaroo ranch doin', huh?

I bet things are hoppin'.

Ha!

Yeah.

No, no, I got Ira on the other line.

We're talking about the Tokyo bid.

[phone dialing]

Yeah. Well, hold on. Hold on a second.

Somebody else is buzzin' me.

Business is good. Hello?

Oh, um, yeah. Well, fine.

Hold on a second. It's your sister Dianne.

Now keep it short and sweet, all right?

- Hello, Dianne?
- Hi, Sal.

Um, what are you doing?

- Well, um, we're both in bed.

- Dianne, honey, now
just hold for a second,

all right, dear?

Thank you.

Yeah, hello, Ira? Now listen.

No more than $12 a share for that turkey.

It's not worth anything.

No, that or nothing, all right?

Good. All right, bye.

Now, Jer-
- Dianne, are you there?

- You know how much I wanted you and Mike

to come up and see this new place?

Um, what about right now?

- Dianne, do you know what time it is?

- Yeah, it's three o'clock in
the afternoon in Melbourne.

Would you?

- Dianne, it's almost 11 o'clock.

Can't you sleep?

I mean, have you been taking
those diet pills again?

- No, I was asleep.

I had this bizarre dream.

Oh, Sally, can you please come over?

Just for a little while?

- Sure, sweetie.

We'll be over in 20 minutes, okay?

- Like hell. Come on, gimme that.

- Just turn on all the
lights and relax, okay?

- Okay.

- You just hung up on my
broker in Australia, honey.

- It's a new place.

It's the first time
she's ever lived alone.

Let's just go over just for one hour.

- Oh, no, no.

I have better things to do than to go out

and babysit an overage college student.

- She is my little sister.

- All right, now listen to me.

Read my lips.

I've got a power breakfast at eight,

a board meeting at 11,
and a tennis lunch at one.

- Get ready.

- Right.

[dark eerie music]

[electricity crackling]

- Nuts!

[dark eerie music]

[crickets chirping]

[door creaking]

[dark eerie music]

[door slamming]

[dark eerie music]

[lever clanking]

[Dianne screaming]

- I hope she's all right.

- Huh, that'll be a novelty.
[doorbell ringing]

I mean, honey, your sister.

Face it, I mean, she's an uptight,

mousy little girl with
more neurotic hangups

than all of Wall Street has sharks.

- Just be kind, all right?

- I'm being kind.

I'll tell you something.

If I didn't know her better,

I bet you 200 shares
of IBM preferred stock

that she is still a...

[dark eerie music]

Virgin.

- It's about time you two got here.

I thought I'd have to party all by myself.

- Well, I don't think that
we're needed here, honey.

I mean, she looks fine.

She looks fine.

She looks fine, everything's fine.

We're fine, so I guess
we'll just go on home.

- [Sally] Wait, what's going on here?

- Not a thing, darling.

I scared myself with a
silly dream, that's all.

I insist you both stay.

Come on. I'll fix you a drink.

[dark eerie music]

- Well, I'll just wait in the car.

[Mike whimpering]

[door creaking]

[cart creaking]

Good-looking.

The place is, uh, good-looking.

Nice location.

Property values are probably solvent,

wouldn't you think?

- It's just lovely.

It's a little remote,
but it's comfy, quiet.

It's just perfect for someone like...

[dark eerie music]

When did you start smoking?

- [Mike] And drinking rather heavily?

- There are a great many pleasures

I've denied myself up until now.

I've been all work and no play.

- Oh.
[glasses clinking]

[Mike coughing]
[hand slapping]

- Is your blood sugar level fluctuating?

Maybe you need something to eat.

How about some nice guacamole dip?

- Yes, I could slice a
tomato, chop an avocado,

cut up some cheese, peel
the skin from an onion.

- You sit there. I'll fix it.

- Ha.

[Mike exhaling sharply]

Warm night, isn't it?

Or something.

- It's the kind of night
that makes you want

to strip off your clothes and
run naked through the woods,

like a beautiful deer hunted by a strong,

galloping stag with long, hard antlers.

- Oh, Jesus.

- There's a full moon out tonight.

Look how much you can see.

- Well, thanks, but I can see plenty,

I mean, right from here.

[drink dribbling]

- Oh, dear. You got yourself all wet.

- Well, I don't know how I did that.

I've never done that before, I-

- Oh, poor baby.
- Yeah.

- We should take care of that right away.

- Well, it's, um, probably all right.

What are you doing?

- [Dianne] Taking your pants off.

- Oh? That's interesting.

Um.

Thank you, I guess.

- I'll wash these out for you.

There's a robe in my bedroom.

- Ah, yes.

- If you think you need it.

- Ah. [chuckles nervously]

[seductive music]

I think I need it.

[seductive music]

[playful eerie music]

- Hi, Dianne. You and
Mike have a nice chat?

- [Dianne] Mmm-hmm.

- I'm so glad to see you
two are getting along.

[knife chopping]

[Mike stumbling]

[knife chopping]

How's your friend Jeff?

He sounds so right for you.

[knife chopping]

He's quiet.

[knife chopping]

Smart.

[knife chopping]

And he's nice.

- Nice? What possible use
would I have for nice?

[Mike humming]

[phone ringing]

- Um.
- Would you get that?

- Sure.

Sure.

Hello?

- Hello, baby.

It's your lonely true love.

I just, I just wanna hold you.

I just wanna wrap my
lips around your mouth,

run my tongue across
your crevs and crackices,

or cracks and crevices.

- Who is this?

[phone slamming]

- Who was that, honey?

- Ah, it was a drunken pervert.

- Wrong number. Had to be.

[phone ringing]
- I'll get it.

Hello?
- Hello, is Dianne there?

- Yes, but she can't talk right now.

She has her mouth full.

Can I take a message?

- No, no thanks.

I'll give it to her myself.

[crickets chirping]
[soft eerie music]

- [Sally] Are you feeling all right?

- Sally, I'm so cold.

- Oh, silly. It's such a warm night.

[wind howling]

Maybe we should build a fire.

- Yes, a fire.

There's wood out back.

And a chainsaw.

[dark eerie music]
[crickets chirping]

So glad you waited for me.

- I was worried about you,

but I can see you're back
to your old self again.

[chainsaw buzzing]

[Sally screaming]

[Dianne laughing maniacally]

Oh my god!

Dianne! No!

What are you doing?
[chainsaw buzzing]

Cut it out! Cut it out!

[Sally drowned out by chainsaw]

Remember me?

- [Dianne] Get back here.
- [Sally] Oh!

Oh no!

[Dianne drowned out by chainsaw]

Oh no!

No!

- Everything all right?

- Just fine.

I was only trying to cut the log,

but Sally wouldn't hold still.

- [Mike] Mmm.
- Can you plug that in for me?

- Sure.

Oh, I see a little guacamole right there.

[punch smacking]
[birds chirping]

- Oh, sweetheart. You're my hero.

- Ha!

[footsteps approaching]

Well, I think she'll be comfortable now.

- Do you think we did the right thing?

- Well, given the choice
of me slugging her

or her disemboweling you with a chainsaw,

it's a tough call, but I think
my conscience is clear, Sal.

- Maybe we should call somebody.

- Well, who? A cop? Psychiatrist?

No, no. We've done all we can.

Just let her sleep it off.

[Mike blowing]

- Well, I need to get cleaned up.

- Yeah, you do.

- How about you come upstairs with me

and scrub my back, huh?

- I could do that.

I could do that.

Oh, but first I better check on Dianne.

[door creaking]

Are you comfortable?

- [Diane] Huh?

- Are?

I said

are you comfortable?

- Mike, what happened?

Oh, my jaw hurts.

What? What's this?

- Well, you know, after
you tried to seduce me

and you tried to hack up
Sally with a chainsaw,

I had to slug you.

You know, you haven't actually
been yourself lately, Dianne.

- Mike, come on. A joke's a joke.

Untie me.
[demon growling]

- I don't think that's such a good idea.

[water running]
[seductive synth music]

- Mike?
- Hmm?

- You can't just leave me like this.

- Why not?

- Well, I've got this itch,

and right now you're the only
one who could scratch it.

[water running]
[seductive synth music]

- [Baron] Delicious.

- Mmm, Mike, hon.

You come to scrub my back?

[Baron growling]

I love it when you talk to
me in that kind of voice.

Come on in, honey.

- Is this it?

- Ooh, no, not quite.

Just a little to the left.

- I shouldn't be doing this.

- Oh, a little lower.

- I shouldn't be doing this.
- Lower.

- I shouldn't be doing this.

- I love it when you
use that tone of voice.

- [Sally] Oh, yes.

Oh, right.

Ooh.

[water running]
[seductive synth music]

[Sally drowned out by water running]

- You tied me so well.

Were you a boy scout?

Or do you and Sally play
these games at home?

- Now, now, Dianne.
Don't talk that way now.

- I'm so helpless here.

You could do anything you wanted to me.

Anything.

- Honey, that's too hard, honey.

You're hurting me, honey.

Mike!

[Sally screaming]

Oh! Oh!
[water running]

[dark eerie music]

- You wanna kiss me.

You've never kissed me, Mike.

Haven't you ever wondered
what it would be like?

Just one little kiss.

[knuckles rapping]

- Oh!

- What's the matter with you?

Not man enough?

You think you're such a-

- Uh-uh!

Have a feeling this is not the last gag

we're gonna see tonight.

[knuckles rapping]

[crickets chirping]

- [Jeff] Who are you?

- Hello.

I'm Mike.

- Where are your pants?

Why are you dressed in women's clothes?

- Well, it's kind of a long story, really.

See, we were drinking, and-

- Look, never mind. Where's Dianne?

- In the bedroom.
- That figures.

Get out of my way.

Where is the bedroom?

- Upstairs.

[door creaking]

- Oh, swell. A ménage à trois.

- Mike.
- [Mike] Hmm?

- Who was just in the shower with me?

- You don't even know who's
in the shower with you?

That's great, great.

- Well now look here, young man.

- How many people did you
invite to this orgy, anyway?

I mean, is this come one,
come all kind of thing?

You send out invitation?
- Hang on here.

I don't even know who you are.

- No.

- And something very
bizarre is going on here.

- Oh, no. Bizarre?

Perfectly normal if you ask me.

Just a bunch of close friends
banging their brains out.

Where's Dianne? I have to talk with her.

- Well, she's in there.

- [Mike] But she's tied
up on the bed, you know.

- [Jeff] Oh, of course. What else?

- [Mike] No, no, now listen.
You don't understand.

No. This is a very weird scene here.

- [Jeff] What, are you
bragging or complaining?

- [Mike] No, I'm serious now.

Now Dianne is acting very strangely.

She's not herself at all.

You know, she reminds me a lot of Reagan

in "The Exorcist."

Do you remember?

- Reagan wasn't in "The Exorcist."

Reagan was in "Bedtime for Bonzo."

Or should I say Bozo?

- I thought that Reagan
was in "The Exorcist."

I could've sworn.

[door slamming]
Oh!

[doorknob rattling]

Oh.

[bed rattling]

- Well, at least you're honest.

You did say you'd be tied up all weekend.

[bed rattling]

I'm very disappointed in you.

It's not so much that there's a house

full of half-naked perverts,

or even that you're
trussed up like a turkey.

Ah, Dianne, there's so
much I wanna say to you.

And you are not saying a
word until I'm finished.

[soft gentle music]

I remember when I first saw you

in the library on the second floor.

Our hands accidentally touched as we were

reaching for that anthology
on medieval Bulgarian poetry.

Our eyes met.

Something happened.

It was kizmet. Destiny.

I mean, I knew right then that you were

the only woman for me, my soulmate.

And in your heart you know that's true

and you can't run away from it.

I mean, I adore you.

You are my goddess.

I would even lay down my life for you.

- [Dianne] Mmm?

- I'm gonna take that
gag out of your mouth.

I want you to say those
three, tender, little words.

- [Mike] Hey, butt head!

- Deviants, go away!

- Oh, Jeff, don't let them in.

It was horrible.

They got me drunk, and
then that guy socked me

and tied me up.

Thank goodness you came when you did.

- I got here as quick as I could.

- Hurry. Untie me.

- I knew you'd have a good explanation.

- Kid, now don't untie her.

You see, you don't know what
you're dealing with here.

Now why don't you open the door

and I'll explain everything.

Now listen, she's dangerous.

We appear to be dealing with
a severe psychotic reaction.

You know, you could be taking your life

in your own hands.
- Stop it, creep.

[Dianne growling]

- Ah, sh*t!

[Mike and Sally yelping]

- I'm calling the priest.

You two put on some clothes.

[bright angelic music]

[birds cawing]

[bright angelic music]

[crickets chirping]

[Sally sighing]

- Ooh, that picture gives me the creeps.

- Oh, it's just probably
the former occupant.

Either that or the patron
saint of Bulgarian poetry.

- But the Ouija board.

She was never into that sort of stuff.

I mean, the most evil
thing she's ever done

was double park in front of the library.

- Father McFarren said a half an hour.

It's quarter to 12, almost midnight.

- Well, so what?

What's supposed to happen at midnight?

- Who the hell knows?
[demon growling]

- You know, she's been awfully quiet.

Is the door locked?
- [Mike] Mmm-hmm.

- Yeah, Mike locked it.
- Jeff locked it.

[intense dramatic music]

[eerie suspenseful music]

- So what do we do now?

- Go home.
- No.

We have to find her before
the priest gets here.

- Why?

- She should be present
at her own exorcism.

- Well, all right. I'll tell you what.

You check in here and we'll go outside.

- Oh no you don't.

- Well, all right.

Then we'll go outside
and you check in here?

- That's better.

- Ha!
- Follow him.

- Yeah.

[rats squeaking]
[soft eerie music]

Oh, no. This is no good.

- I thought you two were going outside.

- So did I.

Oh.

- Oh.

There's only one thing I
hate as much as spiders.

Rats.

- Come on. It looks like another stairway.

[wind howling]

- Oh, great. Sally,
it's down here, I think.

- We'd better stick together. Hold hands.

- We just met.

[dark eerie music]

- Did you hear that?

Children of the night.

What music they make.
- That's not funny.

[wind howling]

[rats squeaking]

- Guys, where are you?

Mike? Honey?

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

[Sally screaming]

Oh, I hate spider webs!

Oh! Honey? Mike?

[wind howling]

Honey?

Guys?

[dark eerie music]

Mike?

Honey?

Sweetheart?

Michael?

[fingers snapping]

Mike?

Honey?

Mike?

Mike?

[Sally screaming]
[zombie screaming]

- So the doctor says, "I don't know.

We're still waiting for
somebody to try it."

- Right. [laughing]

- Okay, now, what do
you get when you cross

a werewolf with a beaver?

[Baron laughing]

Wait a sec. Let me get to the punchline.

[dark eerie music]

[Sally moaning]

- Sally?

Oh, no!

Sally?

- I knew we should've
brought a flashlight.

All right. This way.

- [Mike] Come on! I'll
get you wherever you are!

- Wrong way.

- [Mike] Sally? Oh!
[metal clattering]

- Looking for me? I'm flattered.

- That's close enough.
- Never.

I can see us getting lots closer.

Isn't that what you wanted?

Soulmates to the death?

- Mike! Mike!

- Shh. We don't need anyone else.

It's just you and me, baby.

- Grab her!

- I've gotcha now.

It's me.

- Guess what's going to happen now.

[pan clanging]
[birds chirping]

[wind howling]

- Oh.

[crickets chirping]
[demons growling]

- Thank you for coming so
quickly, Father McFarren.

- Think nothing of it, my boy.

You made the right decision.

What have we here?



- No, no, I'm Jeff.

- 1 Timothy 4:1.

"Some would depart from the faith

by giving heed to deceitful spirits

and doctrines of demons."

Oh, poor child.

I've seen this occur before, you know?

[demons moaning]

Oh, thank you. No, my dear.

- What do you know about this house?

Anything at all?

- Well, years ago when
I took over this parish

from Father O'Houligan, God rest his soul,

he told me stories, oh,
but the rumors, really,

about this place.

And him, he was the last in the family

of degenerate European nobility.

Nothing was beyond the
reach of his debased soul.

m*rder.

Necromancy.

Grave robbin'.

Sorcery.

Drunkenness, gluttony.

There were some who said he dabbled in

video distribution.

- Well, he makes Dracula
sound like a choir boy.

[demon growling]

[demon speaking in foreign language]

[demon growling]

- You're awake, I see.

And how are we this evening?

- Father, help me!
[demon growling]

Get away from me, shaman.

No, no! Let him help.

Not a chance, wench.

- Perhaps I should ask how
many are we this evening?

[demon growling]

The power of Christ compels you to leave.

The power of Christ compels you to leave

this child, foul demon.

- Your mother enjoys sex in hell.

- There's no need to get personal.

[demon growling]

[demon laughing]

[demon vomiting]

Right, too.

No more Mr. Nice Guy.

[demon laughing maniacally]

[Father speaking in foreign language]

[Dianne gasping]

- Thanks, I needed that.

- Oh, 'twas nothing, my child.

It's all over now, my child.

- No, no, no, Father.

I don't think that is
a high percentage idea.

- Oh, the demon's been cast out.

Your friend's soul is free now.

We can all go home.
- Oh.

- Thank god.

- Yes, 'tis heaven that must be thanked.

- Well, I guess it's all done.

[thunder clapping]

- No. No!

[soft eerie music]

- [Demon] There's no leaving!

- Uh.

[Father speaking in foreign language]

Let the evil of the wicked come to an end,

but establish thou the righteous.

My shield is with God who
saves the uprighted heart.

Yea, though I walk through the shadow

of the valley of death,

I shall fear no evil.

Son of a b*tch!

[demon laughing maniacally]

- Father, you've gotta continue.

- I don't know anymore.

- Do something, Father. Wing it.

- Uh.

[Father speaking in foreign language]

- Help me, please.

- Uh.

Uh.

Non-compass mentus. Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Uh. [speaking in foreign language]

No. Okay.

Uh, oh! [speaking in foreign language]

- Dianne?
[intense dramatic music]

- Ya turned her into a dog.

- Aye. There's no doubt it was him.

- My sister.

Total b*tch.

[door creaking]
[dramatic synth music]

[door creaking]
[wind howling]

- Go on.

[dark eerie music]

- It's him. DeSade.

With the book.

The Necronomicon.

[Baron laughing maniacally]

- Can you feel the power?

- Yes, I feel it growing stronger.

My power is even greater than I have had.

- Yes! Yes!

k*ll!

- He's taken command of her soul.

- k*ll! k*ll! k*ll!

[Baron laughing maniacally]

- Oh, god!
- Oh! Oh!

[intense dramatic music]

[whip snapping]

- What do you think
this is? A coffee break?

Get out there and terrorize those people.

Be a zombie.

[whip snapping]

- [Sally] The front door!

- Great idea. Let's get out.

- [Jeff] Wait!
- [Mike] What?

- [Jeff] Look.

[zombies growling]

- [Sally] Oh, Father, do something!

- This is way out of my league.

I've got to call someone.

I've got the number here someplace.

- There it is!
- What?

- Madam Andres' full body massage.

Call 976-RUBB.

- Well, sinner in the flock.

It's maybe on the other side.

- [Mike] Monsignor Connelly?

- That's the one.

That's the one!

[phone dialing]

[phone ringing]

- [Connelly] This message is for you,

no matter who you might be.

You've reached the rectory
of Monsignor Connelly.

If the matter you is too
big and you just can't cope,

call 555-7734.

I'm having dinner with the pope.

[tone beeping]

- Uh.

Uh, 555,



Uh.



Ugh.

Ooh.





[phone ringing]

- Whoa! I got it, Abdul.

Samarino's.

- Samarino's? I don't know that church.

Is Monsignor Connelly there?

- Look, I got no cannoli.

- This is Father McFarren.

I must get in touch
with Monsignor Connelly.

- I got no cannoli.

You like calamari now?

It's like the little fried squid.

- Connelly. I want Connelly.

- No, no cannoli, man.

I got calamari, calazone,
and I got canaloni,

and that's it.

What do you want, dude?

- Look, we are in desperate battle here

with the forces of darkness.

I need to perform the ritual Romano,

and I must have special dispensation.

- Why didn't you say so?

No problem. Special with the works.

- Yes, yes, yes, everything.

There are only four of us here,

but there are dozens of demons outside,

hungry demons trying to get in.

Now we're at 1315 Hollings Drive.

- All right, let me get it straight.


party, special with the works.

I'll put my best driver on it right away.

- Ugh.

Help is on the way.

- Hey, guys. Big party,


Man, it sounds like a bunch of nerd ba*ls.

Let's send Eddie.

[demons growling]
[scooter puttering]

- Are all the doors secure?

- The front door's locked and bolted.

- What do they want from me, anyway?

My portfolio of AAA bonds? A merger?

- Yeah, merger.

They wanna merge their teeth into your-

- No, no, nevermind.

[scooter puttering]

- Father, can't you do something?

- Oh, certainly.

Anybody for last rites?

[demon growling]

- This feels nice anyway.

I do feel a little safe.
- Yeah.

[demon growling]

- Listen.

Something's very weird.

[scooter puttering]
[tires screeching]

- Boy, this house don't need a pizza.

It needs an exorcism.

Let's see. That's 53.97.

Yeah.

And I bet I'll get a big tip tonight, too.

[knuckles rapping]

- Did you hear that?

- Good. Let's go home.

[doorbell ringing]

- [Sally] Oh no! It might
be those monsters again.

- Hi, I'm Eddie.

Let's see. I got here
today's daily special

with the side orders of
cantaloni, cantalini,

cacciatore, and calamari.

That'll be 53.97 plus tip.

- Who ordered pizza?

- Did you have any problems gettin' here?

- Oh, no, it was a cinch.

It's right on the map.

It is kind of foggy out there, though.

Hey, what? Are you guys
having a party or something?

- No, no. Actually, this
is a desperate attack-

- Of the munchies.

- Oh, that's very interesting.

Well, I'll just be
taking my 53.97 plus tip.

- Oh, honey, I left my purse at home.

- Well, my assets are all in plastic.

Do you have? Can you take a Diner's Club?

- Hey, hey, this is starting to sound

a little bit bogus.

What's the matter, Father Flanigan?

You take a vow of poverty or somethin'?

- I've always trusted
in the Lord to provide.

- Oh, that's swell.

As long as he provides me
with my 53.97 plus tip.

- Hey, listen, listen.

You better get outta here, okay?

- No, I can't leave now.

I gotta have the dough first.

This comes out of my own pocket.

- Ugh.

Oh.

The saints be praised.

Double cheese.

[pizza splattering]
[dramatic music]

- Eh.

- I think I dialed the wrong number.

- Boy, Abdul really screwed up this time.

I'll go get some napkins.

- [Sally] I think there's
some in the kitchen.

- Hankie?

- Guess who isn't coming to dinner.

- Spencer Tracy?
- Monsignor Connelly.

- Oh my god. Now what are we gonna do?

- Napkins, napkins.

Napkins, napkins.

Napkin.

- We're the last defense
against the demons of hell.

If the Baron DeSade succeeds,

it will be the end of the world.

- Great.

Meanwhile, Dianne is, uh-
- There or somewhere.

- Doing something so depraved we dare not

even speak about it.

- What kind of a sick, pathetic mind

would keep something like this around?

- You know, Father?

I'm not entirely convinced
that you're the one

that can get us out of here alive.

- Father, what are we gonna do?

[zombies moaning]

[intense dramatic music]

- We can't get out. We're trapped inside.

- Napkins, napkins, napkins.

Yeah, napkins, napkins.

[fingernails scraping]

- Boy, you guys really
know how to throw a party.

Those guys are dying to get in.

- They're not dying
fast enough to suite me.

- Have no fear, everybody.

I'll clean up this mess.

[bottle squirting]

- You know, perhaps I could still be

of some little use to ya.

If you allow me to go outside

and take care of those undead fiends.

I mean, you've all got to stay here

and reserve your strength to do battle

with the Baron DeSade.

- No, Father.

We can't let you do it, can we?

- No, we can't.
- I can.

Well, it's a free country.

- Bless you, my child.

The good Lord will keep
watch over his shepherd.

[suspenseful music]

[zombies moaning]

All right.

All right, you ghouls.

Take this.

And this.

And this.

- My god.

- What a saint.

- What a dope.

- All right.
[bottle shattering]

I've settled that whale work.

Here the fire of hell from
which you demons sprang.

You!

Oh!

There, that'll hold ya off.

That, ow!

[zombies moaning]

May the Lord save ya,

turn ya from your wicked ways.

You're not turnin'.

Look, fellas, what we got here
is a failure to communicate.

I mean, we all live in the
same neighborhood, right?

Is it anybody's birthday today?

Did anybody go to Notre Dame?

[zombies moaning]

Well, now you see!

- Hey, if that guy's got any ideas

about skipping out on his bill,

he's got another thing comin',

'cause I'm not leaving
here until I get my 53.97-

- [Group] Plus tip.

- Look, we didn't order any pizza.

- Well, if you didn't, then who did?

- How the hell should I know?

- Jeff, just calm down.

You know shouting is very
bad for the convectors.

- [Jeff] I'm not shouting.

- Yes, you are.
- No, I'm not.

- Yes, you are.
- No, I'm not!

- [Both] Yes, you are.

- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.

It's all right.
Everything's gonna be fine.

You just let it all out, okay?

- It's been a very rough night.

I mean, first I get a speeding ticket

on the way over here.

I mean, that's my first ticket ever.

Then the woman that I
want to bear my children

turns into a dog.
- [Sally] I know.

- I mean, now I don't know
if we're gonna have children

or a litter of Rottweilers.

- Oh, Jeff, it's gonna
be all right. I promise.

- Just between us.
- What?

- Is everyone in this house
a total nutsoid idiot,

or is it just me?

[Mike chuckles]

- Now listen, kid.

It's not really as
complicated as it seems.

It's very easy to explain actually.

You see, um, well,

the person that ordered that pizza-

- And the cantaloni.

- And the cantaloni is actually-

- And the cantalini-

- And the cantalini is really-

- And the cacciatore-
- Whatever!

Fine, fine, fine.

That person, you see, the
one that you wanna see

is actually downstairs in the, uh, cellar.

- The cellar?
- Mmm-hmm.

Now, I should warn you that, well,

he's just a little eccentric.

- Oh.

Sure, pal. He's eccentric.

- Yeah.

[Baron laughing]

- The devil moves in mysterious ways.

Yes! [laughing]

Yeah!

Feel the power! The power!
[laughing maniacally]

- He just sits around all
day reading comic books.

- Yes, in fact, he never
moves, day in, day out.

- Oh, boy! I love comic books.

- Oh, well, I'm sure he's
gonna love you then, isn't he?

- Yeah. What kind does he read?

- The usual kind.

Scary ones, real scary ones, you know?

About the devils, demons, exorcists.

- I don't believe it.

- What do you mean I don't believe it?

- That's my favorite kind, too.

- Oh, well, isn't that a-

- Yeah, yeah, the kind
about guts and gizzards

splotched all around and
bloody, gooey eyeballs

gorged out with fingers and sharp prongs.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- And hearts pulled out-

- Kid, kid, kid!

That's, that's fine.

That's just fine.

You're gonna hit it off with him for sure.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Now he's just right in
the cellar from here.

- Oh, okay.

Which way is the cellar?
- Straight down.

- I can't believe my luck.

- Neither can I.

[door creaking]

[dark eerie music]

- Ah, rats on the basement floor.

Amazing Comics, issue 473.

[dark eerie music]

- So, you've come to join my little party?

- Wow.

- Behold, the new queen of hell.

- A-ha!

I suppose you think you can divert me

from my mission.

I suppose you think
you can make me forget!

You with your soft, ruby red lips,

with your supple, pouting breasts,

with your long, firm, shapely legs

and your riding crop.

Ah, I bet you think you can make me forget

about the, uh, the, uh-
- The money?

- Yeah, the money.

[door creaking]
[dark eerie music]

- I can't believe you
let him come down here.

- Well, actually, I tried
to talk him out of it,

but you know, he's a brave little guy.

He insisted.

- And the, my, uh, my, uh-

- Your tip?
- What tip?

Oh, yeah, yeah, my tip.

And the, uh, the uh-
- The old man.

- Yeah, yeah, the old man.

Yeah, where is the old man?

- He's looking forward to meeting you.

I'll take you to him.

- I'll follow you anywhere.

- We're gonna go after him.

- Okay, well I'll just
see you back at the house.

- Hey, you go first.

[dark eerie music]

- I wanna see the monster.

I bet he couldn't be as ugly as the ones

in my comic books.

Ooh, boy was I wrong.

[intense dramatic music]

- I'll leave you too alone
to get better acquainted.

- Hey, hey.
[fingers snapping]

No, no, don't tell me, don't tell me.

Aardvark Face, Marvel Comics, issue 138.

No, no, no, that's not it.

I got it. Antelope Head.

Fantastic Comics, issue 257.

No, no, no, no, don't tell me.

All right, I'll bite.

Which comic book character are you?

- You will die horribly,

little girl.

- Little girl?

What's the matter?

You got scales on your eyeballs, too?

- No matter. A male virgin shall suffice.

- What makes you think I'm a virgin?

Okay, okay, just don't tell
the guys at the pizza parlor.

- Oh.

I will drink your blood

and feast on your brains.

- Oh, that's two of the
four basic food groups.

- Come here.

Closer.

- Ah!
- Ooh.

- Kid's down.

Tough break.

Well, let's go.
- Wait, wait.

We just can't leave him for dead.

- Why can't we?

- Obviously we have to rescue him.

- What do you mean we? What?

- You and me.

- I was afraid of that.

- Talking about dead, I wonder
how Father McFarren's doing.

- Now, here's a little trick
you're all going to enjoy.

And I want you to notice that at no time

do me fingers leave me hands. [laughing]

All right, here, take a card.

Any card.

Uh, here. You take this card.

But don't show it to me.

Oh, what's that over there?

Oh, I guess it was nothin'.

No, here, now take this card.

Don't let me see it.

Now look at it and concentrate.

- These mere mortals are so
pathetically easy to subdue.

I feel my power growing
stronger by the moment.

Soon I will be unconquerable.

- What should we do with him?

- I have very special plans for him.

Oh, and by drinking the
blood of a true innocent,

I will become truly invincible.

Together we shall sacrifice heaven.

- Sounds great.

What about the others?
- A mere thought!

They will soon become fodder
for my vast-eating ghouls.

Once the virgin sacrifice
has been performed,

nothing can stand in my way.

- How do we go about this?

- First I must prepare my black altar.

- [Dianne] What can I do?

- Come bring the boy to me.

- Right.

[hand tapping]

You didn't hit him hard enough.

- I did!

The others must've taken him!

- Let me handle this.

I'll go bring him back right now.

- I'm surrounded by imbecilic fools.

- [Mike] I think I have
the heavy end here.

- [Jeff] I got him.

Easy.

Just any place.
- Put him down there.

[Mike gasping]

Ah! Ah!

Oh! Ah!

Who'd think a pizza boy
would weigh that much, huh?

- It's because it's dead weight.

- Don't use that word dead.

- Well, better than undead.

- I'm gonna go make him an ice pack.

- Maybe Dianne has some smelling salts.

I'll go check in the medicine cabinet.

- Yeah, well, maybe I should go with you.

Well, I'll just, I'll just stay down here.

You know, protect him.

[dark ominous music]

How you doing?

Hello?

That's amazing.

[arm ratcheting]

Okay.

[candleholder thudding]
Oh!

Uh.

- Rats.

I guess any sacrifice will do.

I'm still so new at this.
[Mike whimpering]

- Mike?

Where are you?

- I couldn't find anything
useful in the medicine cabinet

except some aspirin.

He'll probably need 'em
when he comes around.

- Where's Mike? Did he go with you?

- No.

- Oh no.

They have my Mikey!

Oh my god!

What horrible things you
think they're gonna do to him?

- I don't know.

I mean, I guess we'll
have to go look for him.

- It's the queen of clubs.

Yes.

Oh!
[hands clapping]

- I wish we had that pizza man to help us.

[Jeff grunting]

Whoa! You think of everything.

- Oh, just get him back.

Come on, come on.

- Oh, he's coming around.
- Yeah.

- That'll be 53.97 plus tip.

- Well, that's a start.

- Now you got me really riled up!

- Okay, come on, Tyson.

Just settle down now.

- I told you to bring me a virgin.

This is supposed to be a virgin sacrifice.

- I told you I'm still new at this.

- You might as well ruin everything.

Go and bring me a girl.

- I can make this work.

- Unbelievable.

[Mike screaming]

- Oh, no.

Now, now, now, listen, Dianne.

You know that...

I've always liked you, and uh,

what are you doing?

Now this is, this is just a joke, huh?

A joke?

Come on, and just untie me, will ya?

[Mike coughing]

No, no, not that, not that, no!

No.

No!
- Mikey.

- No! No!

- Hold still. You're making me look bad.

- Yeah? What about me?

- I don't know, I think
cherry red is your color.

- Yuck.

Where are you going?

You're not gonna leave me here?

- Do you remember what you were saying

when you were confronting the demon?

- Uh.

Antelope Head.

Some kind of a line from a comic book.

But I don't remember which one.

- Maybe he convinced the
demon to get another member.

I wanna find Mike.

We're really worried about him.

Can you walk?
- I think so.

- Okay, follow me.

- Now I'll cause a rain of frogs.

Step-by-step tantrum mutilation.

No, that's not the time.

- What can I do?

- You

can anoint

the victim.

- Right, boss.

- No!

Oh, hi.

Now what? What's that?

What's that?

[Mike screaming]
[perfume spraying]

No!

Chanel No. 5.

I hate that stuff.

Don't you have any Charlie?

- Okay, I've anointed him.

What else can I do?

- I have to cut out his heart.

You can prepare his chest for me.

- Sure thing.

- Dianne, enough is enough now.

Now come on. Let me go, will ya?

Dianne.

Uh.

[Mike clearing throat]

You will be gentle, won't you?

[demon inhaling]

- Oh, yes.

The final sacrifice.

I shall live.

I shall live forever.

The wait is over.

[wind howling]

- You weigh a ton.
- Never mind that.

I lost my company cap.

- I picked it up. It was on the ground.

- Aw, you squished it.
- Shh!

Look, they're torturing him.

- He probably loves it.

- They're probably gonna k*ll him.

- A target! Oh no!

- We gotta do something.

- I'll take care of the babe.

[suspenseful music]

- Hear me,

O great and mighty powerful darkness.

Lord of the dark realms,

accept the life of this,

of this virgin.

This virgin.

- You!

You belong on that altar, not him.

You're supposed to be
our virgin sacrifice.

- Hey, let me see that mirror.

Oh, he marred my features.

He marred my masculine, virile features.

- Silence, impudent dog.

- Look what he did to my face.

Do I still look like Mel Gibson?

- No.

But you do bear a striking resemblance

to that sensual medieval Bulgarian poet,

Vladimir Wodochevski.

- I'm often told that.

- Oh, Eddie.

Eddie, look deep into my eyes.

What do you see?
- Too much mascara.

- Oh.

Eddie.

Ooh, Eddie.

Come with me to my parlor.

- Okay, Mrs. Robinson.

Now, my darling, to get
you in the proper mood,

I'm gonna read you from
the Bulgarian book of love.

Bella lika, bella lika,
boom galla bella lika.

Your body brings out the animal in me.

[Dianne roaring]

Barook attar ada noi.

Ooh-la-la, bella lika.

Your breasts predestine my lumpy trousers.

Oh, no, please. Not that.

No man can resist that.

Oh! Uh! Ecstasy! Ecstasy!

Ooh, be careful. I'm only human.

Ah, ah!

It feels wonderful.

[Eddie gasping]

Ooh, it's so soft.

[Eddie gasping]

[thunder clapping]

[wind howling]

I was expecting a good tip,
but that was ridiculous.

- I lose more young virgins that way.

- Oh!

[dark eerie music]

- You are delicious.

- Thank you.

- My sweet, little virgin.

- Virgin?

Check under the hood, pal.

Oh, no.

[demon speaking in foreign language]

What is that? Pig Latin?

- Take this mortal life, O dark ones.

And in exchange grant me immortality.

- You could use a mint.
- Silence!

[pipe thudding]
[demon yelling]

[intense dramatic music]

- How dare you, intolerant!

- Hi, sweetheart.
- Hi, honey.

- Missed you.
- I missed you.

- What do you think you're doing?

Get away from here.

He's my virgin sacrifice.

- Now, now, kids.
[whip snapping]

- [Sally] Oh, I've had enough!

[Dianne grunting]

[intense dramatic music]

[pipe thudding]
Oh!

Now Dianne, you stop that!
- Yeah, stop it.

- I've had enough of you!

Of you!

[pipe thudding]
[intense dramatic music]

- [Sally] Dianne!
- Life's a b*tch.

And now you die!

[punches smacking]

[hand smacking]

- Why you little b*tch!
- Ow!

- Dianne, I had enough!
- Nothing is ever enough!

[punches smacking]
[intense dramatic music]

[Sally screaming]

[intense dramatic music]

[Jeff thudding]

[intense dramatic music]

[Sally grunting]

- [Dianne] I'm a demon now!

- Oh.
- Prepare to die.

At last.

Eternal life.

[dark eerie music]

[water splashing]

[electricity zapping]
[intense dramatic music]

[explosions booming]

- Sally?

- [Sally] Is it you?

Are you okay?

- [Demon] I shall be back.
[flames crackling]

♪ Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral ♪

♪ Too-ra-loo-ra-li ♪

♪ Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral ♪

♪ 'Tis an Irish lullaby ♪

♪ Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral ♪

- Honey, I'm so glad everything-

- Shh-shh-shh-shh!

The little darling's are sleepin'.

♪ Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral ♪

- Sally, do you think this
is a good color for me?

♪ My mother sang a song to me ♪

♪ In words so sweet and low ♪

♪ Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral ♪

♪ Too-ra-loo-ra-li ♪

♪ Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral ♪

♪ 'Tis an Irish lullaby ♪

[horns honking]

- So what do you think
of the new management?

[zombie moaning]

Yeah, I hate it, too.

[scooter puttering]
[tires screeching]

- Hey, Eddie, man.

Thanks for the naughty rag.

- Chad, how many times have I told you

not to read that cheap,
raunchy p*rn*graphy?

Don't you know it's degrading
to women everywhere?

How does she do that?

You get away with that. Get outta here.

Oh, it's so hard to find
decent help nowadays.

[phone ringing]

- Yeah. What are you doing with the knife?

No, no, with the knife.

- I'll get it, Abdul.

Hello, DeSade Pizza Parlor.

We beat it, you eat it.

We have cantaloni, cantalini,
calamari and cantaloupe.

And this week's special is the
Bulgarian head cheese pizza,

featuring authentic Bulgarian head cheese.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. I'll get right on it.

Hey, Abdul! One Bulgarian
head cheese special.

And this time, don't screw up the order.

- You're out of here! Get out!

What are you pushing me for?

What are you pushing
for, you stupid f*ck?

Get out of here!

Get out!

[playful eerie music]

[door clanging]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ He's got the devil on the run ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ He's got the devil on the run ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Hold on by what you can see ♪

♪ I'm your mystery ♪

♪ Won't someone set me free ♪

♪ Of my misery now ♪

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ He's got the devil on the run ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ He's got the devil on the run ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Doing what I've never seen ♪

♪ Somewhere in between ♪

♪ Hell's inferno domain ♪

♪ When reality smiles ♪

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ He's got the devil on the run ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ He's got the devil on the run ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

[upbeat rock music]

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ He's got the devil on the run ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ He's got the devil on the run ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ He's got the devil on the run ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ Teenage exorcist ♪

♪ He's got the devil on the run ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

[upbeat rock music]