Redneck Zombies (1989)

[bunniefuu]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR: In late 1986, a 55
gallon drum of highly toxic

experimental chemical
warfare nuclear waste

was rumored to be missing
from a high security

warehouse facility at Fort
Henry Dicker, Maryland.

After many denials,
it was finally

admitted by top
Pentagon officials

that indeed one drum of the
biohazard was unaccounted for.

Fort Dicker spokesperson
Brigadier General John

Gillis maintains
that this barrel

poses no human health threat.

Retired Fort Dicker
scientist Dr. Roger Soriano

when asked to comment,
replied that this one

particular barrel could
mean the end of life

as we know it on this planet.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER ECHOING]

Ooh!
ORDERLY: Son of a b*tch.

[SLAPPING]

ORDERLY: Get him
down the hall, quick.

[LAUGHTER ECHOING]

[DOOR OPENS]

DR KILDARE: So that's her, huh?

Yes.

Quite a disturbing case.

And what's the prognosis?

Our patient seems
to be suffering

from an acute effective
paranoid psychosis

with complications of
schizophrenic melanomic edema.

At least that's the
preliminary indication.

Well, there must be some
way to break through it.

What the hell happened up there?

No one knows, but
whatever it was,

it must have been the
epitome of horror.

Well, do we have time for
nine holes before surgery?

Oh, yes.

Let's play at your club.

Mine doesn't allow Jews.

Well, what's your hitting
average these days, Sven?

I'll go back to 16.



[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

[VOICE ECHOING]

[INAUDIBLE ECHOING]

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC ON RADIO]

It's messing with my
head driving this sh*t

from one dump to another.

Just don't make no sense.

Can't keep it in
Cumberlink because it's

too close to the
river, so it's got

to go to [INAUDIBLE] where
it'll be too close to the ocean.

Can you believe that, Hoss?

So now here I am in
the middle of redneck

nowhere with a few stripes
and a short straw playing

nursemaid to a god damn tin can
full of chemical toxic warfare

waste.
[STATIC]

Oh, sh*t.

PREACHER [ON RADIO]: And
the Lord, I said the Lord

has made men equal in his eyes.

We are all brothers, and that
is why we must be rid, I say,

must be rid of those who
would disgrace brotherhood.

We must smite the n*gg*r*s
and chase the [INAUDIBLE]

b*stards from off...
f*ck you.

Now, let's see, I'm sure
this splotch right here

is that tree right over there.

I think that splotch
is a tobacco stain.

That old man dribbled like
a Harlem globetrotter.

BOB: Hell, he was missing so
many teeth it looked like Mr

T did a workout on his face.

Well I pity the fool who
don't cut the bullshit

and find a trail
before we die out here.

Unless you can't
find it, Wilbur.

I'll find it, don't you
worry none little lady.

I'm sure that this splotch
is that tree, dickhead.

Which means this scraw
is probably that fence.

Which means the trail
is right over here.

Hot damn!

Hallelujah.

Hey, don't be singing no
spirituals now, Theresa.

I'll tell you what, I'll just
sing about redneck white boys

who a pain in they own a*s.

Are we going to stand
here and slap gums,

or are we going to get into
some serious wilderness?

Well how about we stay?

Eat me, Bob.

- No, baby, I don't do that sh*t.
- I know.

Come on, let's
get a move on so we

can have camp set before dark.

All this and brains, too.

WILBUR: How are you
feeling, Andrew?

Finer than frog's hair, Wilbur.

Well, come on, Mr. Clean.

I don't know why you're always
knocking my personal hygiene.

The odor emanating from
your upper pubic hairs

could knock The Terminator
off a sh*t wagon.

Maybe you should try some.

I mean, what's it going to do,
make you dissolve or something?

- Think I should?
- Yeah, sure.

Keep it.
Don't worry, I've got plenty.

Listen, you were just kidding
about my pubes, weren't you?

Yeah, sure.

Don't worry, anyway,
that'll take care of it.

Oh, man, I been
talking your ears off

and I haven't even
offered you a huff.

How about it?

You want to hit a joint?

[BURP]

Just what I thought you'd said.

Here you go.

[RADIO STATIC]

TYRONE: [INAUDIBLE]

[DOG BARKING]

sh*t on a toadstool.

Watch it.

Phew, no leaks.

Get off my land!

Get off my soil.

Uh, whoa.

Be cool, yo.

I just lost some sh*t here.

And I don't need no revenuers
poking around in my business.

Now, get!

Look here, slim, I
just need my barrel.

Now what we have here is
a failure to communicate.

b*tch!

[g*nsh*t]

Do not open till Christmas.

[g*n c*ck]

Jed, Junior, Jethro, Billy Bob.

Elly May to you, co*n sh*t.

Right.

What did you do to our still?

Still?

Uh, I didn't sh**t your still.

Anyways, it was an accident.

You see, I was walking up the
road and I dropped my g*n,

and it went off
three or four times.

You know we promised all the
swill they could drink down

in the valley before
you got into town,

and you shot up our still.

So now I think we're going
to have to use your still

to deliver.

My still?

You want to use my still?

My still ain't no good.

You said so a thousand
times yourself.

Ferd Mertz, your
still ain't no good.

Tell you what, look
what I got for you here.

Brand new still.

One of them European jobs.

Slick.

Look at that.

Sturdy, kick them rims.

Yeah, this still
work good for you.

And look at that paint job.

Young, fast.

Does have a nice paint job.

And all this can be yours,
seeing you need it so bad,

cuz I'm your friend, Ferd.

Let's buy it, daddy.

Well, OK, but if you ever
mess around our still again,

Ferd Mertz, you're going
to be picking buckshot

from where the sun don't shine.

You mean Antarctica?

JED: Get!

Well the sun don't
shine in Antarctica.

All they got down there are
them funny little penguins

and those big polar bears.
Grr!

Ahh!

Scared myself.

Gee, daddy, why didn't
we sh**t that vermin?

Yeah, we should've
filled him full of holes.

Yeah, we should've
plugerized him.

Oh now, come on, boys.

I taught you all
better than that.

Just because old Ferd's
got polecat sh*t for brains

don't mean he'd be all bad.

Oh sure, I do get my
dander up once in a while.

And maybe I do feel like
blowing a hole in his a*s.

But he did give us
this nice barrel here.

And well, sometimes you
just gotta do what's right.

Doesn't mean you
have to like it.

Huh?

Shut up!

You're right, daddy.

Dang.

That thing's heavier
than a cement yule.

Go get our new truck, Billy Bob.

How many times do I
have to tell you, daddy?

Call me Elly May.

All right, dag nabit!

Go get the new truck, Elly
May, before I tan your hide.

Gee, daddy, why does Billy Bob
want us to call him Elly May?

Well, Junior...

I'm Jethro, Pa.

I'm Junior.

Well, Jethro, your brother's
kinda funny and oh, never mind.

I never should've bought that
dang satellite TV anyhow.

I like that satellite TV.

Me, too.

I like it.

I like Jeckyl and Jeckyl.

[ARGUING]

You b*tch!

You boys hurry up
with that thing.

We got work ahead of us if
we're going to get that mash

delivered in town by tonight.

Oh, you've been a good
old girl to us, Florey.

But I guess I
gotta put you down.

I hate to do it, you know?

But it... it's like my daddy
used to say to me before he

got run over by that tractor.

Sometimes life sucks.

Well you boys hurry up?

Now get a move on.

We ain't got all night.

- Jethro, come on.
- Ow!

Oh!

Ow!

Oh, my foot.

Quit your whining, Junior.

I'm Jethro, Pa.

Oh, quit your whining anyhow.

Now get the dang
thing opened up.

What do you suppose
is inside, Pa, huh?

Well, my guess is
that it's either

bleach, iodine, or fertilizer.

Ooh, I hope it's fertilizer.

I like fertilizer.

Me, too, Pa.

Ow!

What'd I do?

Oh, never mind.

Now just get the dang
thing opened up, Billy Bob.

Elly May, daddy.

I asked you nice.

You sure weird, boy.

Must take after your
Ma's side of the family.

Now get to work, Elly May.

[DOG BARKING]

Wait a minute.

OK.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

What is it, Daddy?

Yeah, Pa, what is it?

Well, uh, it looks
like fertilizer.

Smells like iodine with
a piss of bleach in it.

Hmm.

Maybe it's all of them, Daddy.

Well, whatever it
is, it better taste

good because you splattered it
all over the corn squeezings,

you otter a*s.

I'm sorry, Daddy.

[BELL DINGS]

Daddy, Daddy, it's
the tobacco man!

Give us some money, Daddy!

Hurry, Daddy, before he leaves.

Hold your pants on, boys.

He ain't going nowhere.

Here's your money.

And I want you to go ahead
get some tobacco for my pipe.

Yeah!

[BELL DINGING]

Hi, Mr tobacco man.
How are you...

Hi, Mr tobacco man!

Hi, Mr tobacco man!

I've been waiting
for you, boys.

I've been waiting.

What'll it be today, boys?

[LAUGHING]

I got dip for the gum,
snuff for the nose.

I got roll your own smokes
and a new fangled machine

that rolls them for you.

I even got pellets that
taste like licorice.

Don't have to spit them out.

Just let it dissolve.

Oh, they good.

They good for young
ones just like you.

What'll it be, boys?

Dip, dip!

We want dip and flake
for Daddy's pipe!

All right, boys.

Here's your dip.

And here's the flake
for your daddy's pipe.

[CHUCKLING]

Thank you!
We love our dip!

We love our dip.

Yeah, we do!

Run along now, boys.

I know you like my dip,
but dark times are coming.

You'll like my dip
for a long time.

You'll be loving it just
for the rest of your lives.

Someday you'll want to stop,
but you won't be able to.

Your gums'll start
hurting, start bleeding.

They'll wear down and show
the bottoms of your teeth.

Then your teeth will fall out.

You'll cry.

[CHUCKLES] But you won't stop.

You'll just keep on
dipping, and packing,

and packing, and dipping.

Your mouth will start
hurting, start burning.

It'll grow.

It'll get out of shape.

And you'll go to one of
them big city doctors

and he'll cut half
your face off.

Now it'll happen.

It'll k*ll you, sorry as sh*t.

[LAUGHING]

But in your death, it'll
still be in your mouths.

[LAUGHING]

For your sake, I
hope it happens fast.

It's dark times a coming.

No long wait.

Just around the corner.

You'll see.

You'll see.

Look, studies prove it.

No.

Listen, one ounce
has more protein

than a five ounce t-bone.

Sure.

It's good for your skin.

It's a natural
amphetamine and, uh, I

have it on good authority
that it tastes exactly

like a pineapple daiquiri.

OK, I'll try it tonight.

But if I don't like it,
it'll be the last time.

Yeah!

Come on, let's take a break.

I thought you were in a
hurry to get to the campsite?

Come on, Wilbur.
We're not marching for town.

Give us a f*cking break.

Yeah, we don't want
to get too tired.

Well, what do you say
we take a little nap?

Ooh, what do you say
we take a big nap, baby?

You know, I understand
you have to exercise

your manly hydraulics.

But, uh, if you ever want
to get to the campsite,

you better come
on down the trail.

What's the matter with
this place, since it's here?

Yeah, it's a lot closer
than anywhere else.

WILBUR: This place
is beaver sh*t, man!

Besides, the place
I'm taking you to

is nicer than a debutante's
a*s shining in the moonlight.

Yeah, if it's still there.

I'm sure it's still there.

My dad used to camp there when
he was knee high to a piss ant.

Besides, that's, uh, where
my dad first nailed my mom.

Wilbur, who told you that?

My grandpa.

Ah, yes, sweet
redneck memories.

Anyway, you're gonna
love this place.

It's a dynamite camping spot,
and it's got a pond to piss in.

Oh, sounds wonderful.

Yeah, when you see
it you'll wonder why

you ever went anywhere else.

Huh, I'm beginning to wonder
why I ever wanted to go here.

Oh, blow it out your a*s.

[FARTS]

- Damn, [INAUDIBLE].
- Come on.

We better get going, you know,
before the trees start dying.

Soldier, front and center, now!

You lost the barrel.

Have you lost your mind?

Uh...

Do you know what's
in that barrel?

Uh, but...

Do you know where you lost it?

Uh, yes, sir.

Well, Robinson, why
don't you go pick it up?

Well, sir, there's this fat
redneck elephant with a g*n.

I mean, this fat redneck
with an elephant g*n.

Run, son!

Unless you want your a*s
hanging in the stockade,

you better get your a*s back out
there and get me that barrel.

Uh, yes, sir.

Can I take [INAUDIBLE], sir?

Robinson, for what's
in that barrel,

you can take the whole
m*therf*cking army.

Robinson, where's your blouse?

In the jeep, sir.

You're a disgrace to
the uniform, Robinson.

Dismissed!

Yes, sir.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Well I'll be damned.

You said it.

Here it is.

LISA: [SARCASTICALLY]
Well this is really nice.

THERESA: Ground
looks comfortable.

ANDY: There's nice shade.

WILBUR: Yeah, and
a pond to piss in.

LISA: It looks like a
clay based sinkhole.

Come on, let's set up.

Well, all done, boys.

Well, gotta go.

Where are you going?

I'm going fishing.

Got worms?

Yeah, but I'm going anyway.

Now wait a minute, boys.

As I seem to
recollect, Elly May,

it's your turn to
do the delivering.

But, Pa!

Shut up, hog bowl.

Yeah, opossum nut.

Yeah, turtle, uh...

But, Pa, that's
going to take me

all night to deliver all this.

Quit your belly aching,
Elly May, or else

I ain't going to save
any mash for you.

I'm just going to save it for
myself, and for your brothers,

and for Ma.

Maybe even some for Porky.

Shouldn't give any to Ma.

You know that stuff
makes her crazy.

You quit your sassing, boy.

I pulled you out of
your mother and I'll

shove you right back in.

Now you get in that
truck and you skedaddle.

Yes, Pa.

And no drinking and driving!

Yes, Pa.

[LAUGHING]

Woo!

sh*t the bed, this
is great, Wilbur!

See?
I told you.

But this water sure is cold.

Woo.

And it's deep, too.

Boy, I'd sure like to knock
the bottom out of that.

Yeah, bottom, front, sides.

You never know, she might
turn out to be a nympho.

One who gets turned
on by big campfires.

Well I got a log
she can start with.

Ah.

Where's a good place
to take a sh*t?

Hi.

Yo.

Going far?

Barbershop.

Barbershop, eh?

You work in that place?

Yeah.
Yeah, I work there.

I'm the shaver.

You give people shaves?

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

Look, look.

See?

Hey, that-that's pretty good.

That's good.

You know, I heard about them,
uh, them new electric shavers.

No!
No, no, they're no good.

They're no good.
Safety reasons.

We're the best.

Get a real good close shave.

Hey, you need a shave?

My brother, he gives hair cuts.

He gives them real good.

We'll give you shave
and a haircut, for free.

Uh, I don't need no shave
or haircut, but I tell you,

if I need one, I'll
come right to you.

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

I got this razor.

Put that thing away, boy.

It's a good razor.

BILLY BOB: Hey what...
What you doing?

Hey, cut that... hey.

Hey, don't do that in my truck!

Holy sh*t, man!
Oh!

Oh, god!

You grubby god
damn son of a b*tch!

You'll never get a free
shave out of me, you as*h*le!

That's the last hitch
hiker I ever pick up.

It's party time.
LISA: Woo.

THERESA: Hey.

LISA: Colombian?

ANDY: Jamaican?

Only the best.

New Jersey.

THERESA: New Jersey?
BOB: What exit?


gone to market, boys.

This still's sure better.

Now's our turn.

Give me the first drink, Pa.

Yeah, Pa, let's get loose.

I'm rolling you a
Tennessee torpedo.

Man, that sh*t
looks like cut grass.

Boys, I got a deep down feeling
this batch is going to be awful

special.

To our new still!

[GAGGING]

It tastes like fire, Pa!

Hey, that's bigger
than Lisa's dildo.

LISA: Yeah and five times
the size of your d*ck.

ANDY: Come on, fire it up, man.

Yeah, let's get
naked and smoke.

THERESA: Woo hoo!

I like knockers.

Yeah, I like knockers, too.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Somebody's knocking.

Yeah, I like knockers, too.

No, sh*t weed.

There's someone
knocking at the door!

Oh.

Hey, Elly.

Hey, Smerd.

How you doing?

Got some shine for you.

Great!

You want to come in and
watch some knockers?

Uh, oh no thanks.

I got a couple of my own.

But I'll see you later.
OK.

Here, Berd.

Ah, thanks, Smerd.

[COUGHING]

I-I feel funny, Pa.

I feel a bit strange myself.

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[COUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

Oh, sh*t.

Did you treat this weed?

Only with respect, baby.

[GROUP LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

WILBUR: Yeah!
Yeah!

Aliens!

Yeah!

[LAUGHING]

Aliens!

Aliens!
[INAUDIBLE]

She says, three inches?

And I said, yeah,
from the floor.

[HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHING]

I think... I think it's...
Thinking liquor sipping dogs,

bro.

[LAUGHTER]

[GASPING]

ANDY: And I just about
took a sh*t myself,

when up walks Timothy Berry.

[LAUGHING]

[GROWLING]

[ECHOING LAUGHTER]

ANDY: Hey, Wilbur, couldn't you
get something better than that?

[HEAVY BREATHING]

[HEARTBEAT]

[GROWLING]

[HEARTBEAT]

[ECHOING VOICES]

[LAUGHTER]

[GROWLING]

[ECHOING VOICES ON TV]

[KNOCKING]

Hi, Miss Ashley.

Lamb's sakes, Elly
May, I expected

you to be here last night.

Well, uh, we're a little
bit behind and, um,

and we got a new recipe.

And, uh, and it's green.

I guess that means
I get a discount.

Oh, I don't know about
no discount, cuz uh,

uh, cuz we built a new still.

Oh.

Well, all right this time.

But I'll tell you
Elly May, if you're

going to be late
like this next time,

I'm going to do my
buying from Ferd Mertz.

Oh you don't want
to buy it from him.

Besides, you'll
really like this.

OK, here you are Elly May.

Thank you.

Bye, bye.
Fester.

Fester, honey, look,
your bath can wait.

Look what's here.

Look.

Look what we got.

Here.

Here you are, honey.

Look, look, look.

Here you are.

Drink up.

Down the hatch.

[CRYING]

Ahh!

[MUFFLED CRIES]

Sally!

[GROWLING] [GRUNTING]

Sally!
Sally!

- [GROWLING] [SNORTING]
- Sally!

[HEAVY BREATHING]

Sally!

[GROWLING] [SLURPING]

Oh, now what do we have here?

Uh... uh...

Now, now, what's a little
fillie like you doing

in a place like this alone
in the wilderness all

by yourself in the morning...
He-

Alone?

He... he k*lled my friend.

Now, now, now, now, a little
critter probably scared you.

[GROWLING]

Or maybe you were in shock.
That's it.

Now the first aid
book says about shock,

says the first thing we have to
do is loosen up your clothes.

So here, let me... let me help
you loosen up your clothes.

Now you just lay down here
and let old Ferd protect you.

Ahh!

Jethro, old boy!

How you doing?

Looking, uh, might
green around the gills.

[GROWLING]

Is this yours?

[GROWLING]

Here.

[WHISTLING]
Ahh!

[SLURPING] [BELCH]

Phew.

Ooh, nelly, just what
I could use, a drink.

Too bad it's this Clemsen jizz.

Oh, mama said not to swear.

Oh, sweet mama, take a bath.

Ooh.
Ehh.

Well I'll be dipped in hog
snot and perish the thought.

That's their secret ingredient.

Those nasty boys.

Well at least I don't have
to put a bag over her head

this time.

Don't even think about that.

I really need
myself a drink now.

Oh well, hope I don't go blind.

Land sakes!

They got their nerve
lollygagging around all hours

of the morning.

They got a drunk on.

Boy they got that mash to town.

I'll brown them!

Sorry, Porky.

Didn't mean to scare you none.

You know you don't have
to worry about your bacon

ending up in here.

Not you.

Let's mosey on down to the
still and give them men folk

what for!

Hey, Andy, where's
Sally and Theresa?

I don't know.

I've been up a half hour
and I haven't seen them.

What?

What's going on?

Theresa and Sally are missing.

Missing?

WILBUR: Oh, they're not missing.

They just wandered
off somewhere.

Well maybe somebody
should go look for them.

I mean, they could
have gotten lost.

They're not lost.

Don't know what
they'd want to go

off by themselves for anyway.

Well maybe they're exploring.

Maybe they're a
couple of damn d*kes.

Oh.

Sure wish I were a Dutch boy.

[WHISTLING]

Hey look, Ben, there's
Dad's moonshine.

Let's drink some.

We'll get in trouble.

It doesn't matter.

No one's home and
he'll never know.

All right, so you
could drink it first.

No, I'm not going
to drink it first.

You drink it first.
Are you chicken?

[PIG SQUEALING]

Jed?

Jethro!

Junior!
Elly!

Where'd them boys go, Porky?

They've been gone
since yesterday morn.

Looks to me like they
finished a new batch.

And if'n I'm right, they built
themselves a new still, too.

I'll be dipped.

This sure is some
powerful shine.

And it's green.

Jed must've changed the recipe.

If this stuff works like
it smells, Jed and the boys

must be wandering on
a bender, they must.

Well, Porky, I think we
just better take his jar

home before we sample it.

Come on, let's go.

I'm hungry.

And the first thing I'm going to
do when we find these girls is

give Theresa a real good
a*s chewing for not fixing

breakfast the way she promised.

Oh this is a fine time to
be thinking about breakfast.

They must be
pretty far away not

to hear us yelling for them.

They must really be lost.
You know what weird?

It's like everything looks
like it's dying around here.

Well if they're playing
opossum to try to scare us,

I... oh, Lisa, don't look.
Don't look.

- What?
- Don't look.

What?

What?

What is it?

What is it?

Oh, god, is that a person?

BOB: It's... it's...

Let me go!

BOB: Theresa!

What happened to her?
LISA: Ahh!

She's dead, man.

She's f*cking dead.

ANDY: What happened
to her own head?

What was she f*cking doing?

Ahh!

Look, man!

Maybe that... maybe
that's not Theresa.

She's wearing f*cking
designer jeans.

ANDY: And that's my t-shirt.

Well what happened to her!

WILBUR: Maybe it was a bear.

What is that!

What kind of bear
would do this, man?

ANDY: Holy sh*t.

She's nothing but
a f*cking stain.

Oh, god, where's Sally?

ANDY: Oh, Sally, that's right.

We've got to find her!

We've got to find Sally.

[CRYING] We've got
to bury Theresa.

WILBUR: Theresa's gone
now, but that... that

doesn't mean that Sally's dead.

You know?

If it was a bear, it might
return to it's k*ll area.

But either way, I don't
think we should split up.

If you want to stay,
you stay alone.

So what's it going to be?

f*ck you, Wilbur,
we're going to bury her.

[CRYING]

[WOMAN CRYING]

[KNOCKING]

JAKE: Come in.

[MUFFLED CRIES]

Hi, Elly.

Where you been?

What took you so long?

Sorry, but, uh, we were
running a little late tonight.

And, uh, tell you what, we got
some special stuff this time.

You stay right there.

I'll have to get some money
and I'll be right back.

[WOMAN CRYING]

Here's your money.

Thanks, Jake.

Here you go.

Have a nice day.

[LAUGHING]

[MUFFLED CRIES]

WILBUR: Sally!

LISA: Sal!

Sally?

Sally!

Hey guys, check this out.

Is that a still?
Huh.

Sure is, man.

They been making mash out
here since time began.

Oh, man, this is too weird.

You guys do what you want to do.

I'm going over here and
I'm going to freak out.

LISA: Bob, get
your sh*t together.

Look, to hell with this thing.

We have to find Sally.

Oh, sh*t.
sh*t.

- What is it now?
- sh*t.

sh*t.
sh*t.

sh*t.
sh*t.

What?
What is it?

Oh, sh*t.

It's Sally.

I'm drinking this sh*t.

Are you nuts?

That stuff could k*ll you.

WILBUR: Man, this bear
is getting around, man.

We gotta get out of here.

LISA: Wilbur's right.

If there is a wild
bear around here,

we've got to get a move on.

Let's beat feet.

I don't think it's a bear.

What?

I don't think it's a bear.

Look, geek...

Look, blow me, moron.

Listen, this barrel
is still warm

and these tracks around
here are still fresh.

If there was a bear
around here, why didn't it

get the owner of this still?

Why aren't there
any bear tracks?

You mean people did this?

Wilbur, you're the
damn mountain man.

Why didn't you figure
any of this out?

What are you doing, feeding us
to your cousins or something?

You're setting us up.

That's what you're doing.
You're setting us up.

Hey, f*ck you, Bob.

I haven't been here in 10 years.

You're setting us up, man.

You k*lled Theresa
and you k*lled Sally.

Get off!

LISA: Stop it!

Stop it!
ANDY: Shut up!

Shut the f*ck up!

Look what it says here.

It says, Caution, US military
chemical warfare nuclear waste.

Use no hooks.

You mean these rednecks
are drinking that sh*t?

No, I don't think anyone
could be that stupid,

but I think the residue
from this barrel

was enough to set
things in motion.

Little dab will do here,
if you know what I mean.

Better than you think.

WILBUR: [ECHOING] What are
you talking about, Andy?

ANDY: [ECHOING] Oh,
you guys are thick.

Look, there were
chemicals in this barrel.

The chemicals got
in to the moonshine.

You'd think that
it would k*ll them,

but my guess is
that it just turned

them into horrible maniacs.

Y-You mean that
th-this moonshine...

That's right... monster mash.

Ooh.

[COUNTRY MUSIC]

Tyrone, I can't believe
you lost that barrel.

I was supposed to go to
the Pink Hippo tonight,

but now my day's ruined
because of your stupidity.

f*ck you.

Hey, Ty, we going to
get to sh**t anybody?

There's a distinct possibility.

You mean there's
going to be fighting?

Ty, how could you?

What if I break a nail?

f*ck you.

Well, what should we do now?

Well that's up to you.

We've got to get the
hell out of here.

f*ck that, man.

I'm not following this
son of a b*tch anywhere.

Stop it, Bob.

I ain't taking no
more of this sh*t.

Why don't you deal with
your own f*cking problems?

You're my problem, b*stard!

Stop it.

Stop it!

Stop it!

Stop it!
Stop it!

I don't believe you two.

What the hell is your problem?

We have to stick together, not
try and pull each other apart.

I don't believe this!

We're in the middle of
a crisis situation here

and I'm watching the
battle of the macho jerks!

Well let me tell you something.

I don't care how macho
or how strong you are,

it's not going to do one
think to protect us from this.

Now Bob, I don't know what the
hell your problem is, but you

better pull it
together if you don't

want to end up as tomorrow's
blue plate special.

And you.

You better come
to the realization

that you have been
away from home way

too long to know what the
hell's going on around here.

Now I think we ought to just
turn everything over to Andy,

since he seems to be the
only one of you assholes

who's still thinking clearly.

I am right on the edge of
clawing my eyes out and-and

and slitting my wrists.

Now Andy, tell me, what
are we going to do?

[GROWLING]

- Oh, no!
- Aah!

[GROWLING]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMS ECHOING]

[CRYING]

[GAGGING]

[WHIMPERING]

Any more f*cking bright ideas?

BOB: Well, we got
to do something.

Oh, god, I wish I was home.

[HIGH PITCHED VOICE]
There's no place like home.

Toto, Toto!

And your little dog, too!

[CACKLES] [BARKS] [PANTING]

WILBUR: Chill out, Bob.

We sure as sh*t
can't stay here, man.

Besides, there might be
more of these things.

Look, there's a mineshaft
over that clearing over there.

We could be safe there.

Underground?

Underground.

Come on, let's go.

Get your sh*t together.

Give me a hand here.

What are we taking him for?

Look, just grab a leg
and I'll tell you later.

Come on.
Come on.

Pull.

That's it.

This isn't so bad.

Come on, Toto.

Atta boy.

Come on.

Atta boy.
Heel, heel!

Walkies.

WILBUR: sh*t.

sh*t!

[WHIMPERING] I got it!

I got it!

Ow!

WILBUR: What was that?

It's a hurricane lamp.

WILBUR: Well, go
ahead and light it.

Ew, this thing's filthy.

Ah, shiny.

Well, we've got light.

Very good, Bob.

OK, now what?

Bob, do an autopsy
on this thing.

What?

No way!

WILBUR: Hey come on, man.
You're pre med.

I'm pre vet!

What's the difference?

I do autopsies on cats, man!

Well think of it as a big cat.

All right.

All right.

Out with it.

I'll tell you.

Remember that little bitty bitty
piece of acid I was saving?

Yeah.

What about it?

Well, I woke up and
I said to myself, Bob.

Bob, I said to myself,
Bob... that's-that's me.

Bob, oh, what a
beautiful morning.

And you may not have
noticed this, but I took it.

Christ!

I was only going to
trip a little bit.

Not a lot, just a little.

I was going to trip over all
the bears, and the trees,

and the flowers, and the
insects, and the sky,

and the universe all
wrapped up into one little...

Are you out of your mind?

This is no time to trip!

I didn't know this
sh*t would happen.

I mean, who could?

Hm?

[LAUGHING] Who's laughing?

Stop laughing at me.

Bob!

I did it this morning.

I thought it'd be over by now.

I thought I was at my
highest an hour ago.

[ECHOING] But I'm
still tripping.

[ECHOING] You know what man?

[ECHOING] Talk
about bad timing.

[ECHOING] Acid.

How can you take
that kind of crap?

Damn fool.

[ECHOING] This is just great.

You know, we're not going
to know where to be.

We ought to just leave you here!

[ECHOING] You want
to be drugged out

and talking about me, you jerk?

What the hell is going
on in your mind, man?

[ECHOING] But you are
going to do this autopsy,

Bob, because we're in an
emergency situation, here.

You can't just close
your eyes for this.

BOB: [ECHOING] You want to bet?

[VOICES ECHOING]

WILBUR: Wake up!

[ECHOING] Now slice him open.

But I don't have
any instruments.

WILBUR: [ECHOING] Here.

WILBUR: Stop f*cking around.

LISA: [ECHOING] Hurry!

Oh, man.

Uh, god, this zombie
skin is the toughest.

Ew.

Ew, what is in here?

Oh, god.

Oh, my god, what...
Oh, this... ew.

Yuck.

Ew, yuck.

Ew, yucky, yucky.

Yuck.
What?

[ECHOING] What's this?

I-I don't believe it.

I don't believe... what in the
wor... will you look at this?

I mean, OK, all right.

So what?

It's light, it's less
filling, but hey, it

could have been recycled.

I don't believe it.

What else is in here?

Ah.

Where did this come from?

Where do you suppo... yeah.

Some poor Appalachian
man, I think,

is going around,
wandering around

the mountains without a shoe.

Can you believe that he's
going around without a shoe?

What?

Now what's this?

What's this?

Help.

Ew.

Huh.

Now how do you suppose
this got in the colon?

I don't... I can't imagine.

Well, you know, I do
think it might... nah.

But... ah, hey, hey,
now this, I like this.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, h*, h*.

Oh now this, this I'm
going to keep for myself.

I like that.

What else do we have in here?

Yeah, I think I'm
going to climb in here.

Well, no, no, I won't
climb in just yet,

but well... look, it's...
Believe me, it's big in here.

I mean, it's as big as an
amusement park in here.

I love it.
I love it.

Hey, look!

There's the roller coaster.

That's a roller coaster.

Hey, hey, hey, and
there's the Ferris wheel.

I love it in here.

You guys should look in here.

This is amazing.

I'm telling you, it's amazing.

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

All right, here we have
two zombie hands, which we

will call numbers one and two.

And we have two types of
deodorant, which we will

designate types A
and B. Now what I'm

going to do is spray zombie
hand one with deodorant A.

As you can see, the skin
becomes wet and sticky.

Now I'm going to spray zombie
hand two with deodorant B.

Ah, my, my, my.

Look at that, huh?

You might notice that the tissue
becomes dehydrated and decayed,

and, uh, and yucky.

Therefore, it's safe to
conclude that the only effective

deodorant against zombies
is one which contains

aluminum chlorohydrate.

It's dries them fast
and keeps them dry.

Why only aluminum
chlorohydrate?

How the hell am I
suppose the know?

I'm pre vet, not a chemist.

This is essential.

We've got Andy's pack.

Arm yourselves.

[GROWLING]

What the hell was that?

I don't know, but
it's coming this way.

[GROWLING]

Ma?

You're going to k*ll
me, but [COUGHING].

Ma, what happened to Porky?

sh*t.

I'm not going to
change this tire.

f*ck you.

Man, I just changed
these m*therf*ckers.

We ran over some bullshit.

What?

f*ck you.

Give me a hand, Sherman.

Here, hold this, as*h*le.

Looks like a ball jar
and a safety razor.

Whoa, Ty, check it out.

It's a native.

Oh, hello!

TYRONE: Hey, you.

Get over here!

Oh, man.

That boy don't look right, Ty.

Halt. Stop.

Freeze!

Fini, m*therf*cker.

That's french.

[GROWLING]

Oh, he's sick.

Let's take him with us.

f*ck you.

sh**t him, Sherman.

Which one?

Him first.

Ah, I think I'll
just kick his a*s.

I haven't tasted
redneck in a long time.

Suppose he got rabies?

Well, I ain't going to
let the d*ck bite me.

Be nice, Sherman.

SHERMAN: f*ck you.

All right, as*h*le.
Oh, Jesus!

Hess.

He probably said
something nasty.

Boss?

[GROWLING]

Oh, Ty, this could be fun.

Did you see the
movie "Deliverance"?

Oh, hello!

Hi.

Water sports, anyone?

Oh, my!

No!

Stop!

Oh, no, stop!

[RIPPING]

[GROWLING]

f*ck you, still!

Man, we have got
to make a plan.

Yeah, how we're getting
the f*ck out of here.

Look!

TYRONE: Hey, you kids, run!

Who the hell is that?

Get out of here!

Oh, sh**t!

Where'd he go?

I don't know, but I think...
I think we're on our own.

No.

Hey, look, there's
no hard feelings,

but we got to get out of here.

[GROWLING]

Oops, too late for you.

[g*nsh*t]

Oh, ahh!

[GROWLING]

Right here.

Look over... right there.

[GROWLING]

I'm gonna kick
your f*cking a*s.

Are you crazy?

You can go kick
them by yourself.

This is it!

[SCREAMING]

Come on, I'll kick your
f*cking a*s, m*therf*cker.

[WHIMPERING]

[WHIMPERING]

Die, you b*stards!
Ahh!

[WILBUR SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[CRYING]

- [WHIMPERING]
- No!

[SCREAMING]

[RIPPING]

Ahh!

[SCREAMING]

[GROWLING]

[MOTOR RUNNING]

Help!

[LISA SCREAMING]

[GROWLING]

[SCREAMING]

[FOOTSTEPS]

[CRYING]

- [GROWLING]
- Ahh!

No!
No!

Come on, Missy.

Dark times is here.

We best be going, yes we do.

We best leave now.

Don't you worry none.

The tobacco man won't hurt you.

[VOICES ECHOING]

[BABY CRYING]