I Survived a Zombie Holocaust (2014)

[bunniefuu]

- Where are they?
- Could be anywhere.

Stay close.
I'll protect you.

Run!

Where do we go?

Keep moving.
This way.

- Look!
- We're saved.

They're gonna get through.

I see.

Bring it on!

Get behind me!

- Brains!
- You like eating brains, huh?

Well, eat this!

You're out of a*mo!

Not quite.

- Ready?
- Just a minute!

f*ck you!

- Ready?
- I need more time.

Why don't you keep your trap shut?

Come on, now!

You know, I'm glad you guys
came back from the dead.

Because it means I
get to k*ll you again.

What the f*ck...?

You told me that I wouldn't
get this sh*t on me.

Cut!

Look at me.
I'm covered in this filth.

I'm gonna be sick again.

Why ruin another
perfectly good take, Jessica?

What's this really about?

Maybe it's your attraction
to...

Stanley...

These aren't safe working conditions.
What if he'd got it in my eye?

What if he'd shot his goo
right in my eye?

Goo!

I need to be treated with more respect.

Right. Of course.

Why don't you take a seat?
We'll get you cleaned up.

Richard!

Yes Sta...
I mean, yes, SMP.

Don't f*cking sneak up
on me like that!

Who the f*ck put Jessica's
mark so close to the goo?

Well, everybody's kinda doing everything,
what with the budgetary restrictions.

Do you know what this film
is to me, Richard?

- Your baby.
- It's my baby.

I'm giving birth here, Richard

I'm crowning.
So don't tell me what's going wrong.

Just rub my belly and help
me deliver my beautiful baby.

It's just a zombie movie.

- What?
- I mean, no, I'll get... I'm on it.

Harrold!

- Yes.
- Where's my new ending?

Sir...

- Nearly ready.
- Good.

Then f*ck off!

So, there we were.
The grand final.

Winner becomes top team
in the south islands.

Performing the Haka
right before the game.

Nobody said a word,
but as I looked in their eyes...

I could see they were scared.

Tane, where's that new runner
I asked for.

Hasn't shown up yet, Rich.

Well go find out where he is then.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

This is it.
Your big chance.

Be ready to impress.

Tane, right? The location manager?
We spoke on the phone.

- Ah, you must be the new runner?
- Yes that's me.

It's Wesley.

You're late.

Oh, well...

Yeah, when they said it was out of the way,

I didn't realise it was gonna be
four hours out of the way.

- You got lost.
- A couple of times.

I tried calling.

Yeah, there's practically
no reception out here.

You're gonna need one of these.
You're gonna meet the director.

My own RT, what an honour.

This is my first time on a real film set.
I just finished film school.

Yeah.

I actually consider myself a
screenwriter, first and foremost.

Well, just remember that people here on
set, consider you their b*tch,

first and foremost.

What?

Your trolley fell over.

- I'm really...
- Clumsy?

No... What?

Do you always go around knocking
over other people's gear?

No, I... I mean I didn't...

Here, let me give you a hand.

Oi!

Quit knocking over Susan's
gear and let's go.

You've been on set all of five seconds
and you're already pissing me off.

- Sorry, no I...
- Now!

- Ok. Bye Susan.
- Now!

- Watch it nipple d*ck!
- Chill out, Randy.

That's the props master.
Try and stay away from him.

Especially around food.

Ok, listen up. Here are the ground rules.
Always call Stanley SMP.

And remember the chain of command.

Which is?

That every other person in this
production, is more important than you.

Now, you see that guy that
SMP's shouting at?

The one that looks like he's
taking a painful sh*t.

- You're f*cking incompetent!
- That's Richard Driver.

He's the first AD. Now you'll be
answering to him, and me.

And anybody else
that tells you to do something.

- Ok, but what's my main job?
- Your job...

is to do all the jobs
that nobody else wants to do.

Try not to get fired.
Good luck, kid.

Fired?

Sorry, Stanley.
I feel really bad.

Something's wrong.

I need to get back into the village,
and see the...

Who the f*ck is this geek?
Where's the runner I asked for?

This is the new runner.

It's Wesley.
Wesley Pennington, it's a great...

I don't give a f*ck.

Take Clive here back to the village.
Find out what's wrong with him.

- What the f*ck!
- Ok.

Are you okay?

I made the mistake of having a
meal at the local last night.

Ever since, it feels like
I'm kinda dying.

- The Zombies are coming!
- What?

Jesus Christ Greg, not now.

My name isn't Greg.
My name is Dr. Herbert White.

Head scientist working
on the "C virus".

- There has been an outbreak.
- I'm not in character, Greg. I'm in pain.

- Go and bother someone else.
- The zombies are coming!

- We're all in great peril!
- Who was that?

Greg Winston.

The Greg Winston?
I didn't even recognize him.

That's because he's been out here the
last six weeks researching the role.

He stays in character no matter what,
even if the cameras aren't rolling.

- He's totally...
- Method?

Batshit crazy.

Come on, let's go.

Hi. Can you call the doctor for
my friend here. He's very sick.

Can't, I'm afraid.
Too busy.

You don't understand,
I have to get him back to set.

They need him for filming today.

Well, he'll have to wait his turn,
like everyone else.

This sickness has got the whole
town on its back.

They say something nasty
got into the water supply.

Matter of fact, I'm not
feeling too flash myself.

I'll feed you in a minute dear.

Husband's in a lot of pain.
He can barely speak.

See, you just have a lie down.
Wait for the doctor.

I'll be back, ok?

Ok.

Look...

This might be a bit unprofessional,
but...

Would you like to look at my script?

I know.

You must get this all the time.

Don't rule it out just yet.

I don't want to give anything away...

but there's a really great
foreign character

in here that might
be right up your alley.

I'll just leave it here.

Come in, Richard.

Yeah, have you found out
what's wrong with Clive?

No, but I don't think he's going to
be doing anymore filming today.

The whole village has come down
with the same thing apparently, so...

The doctor can't see him
for a while.

f*ck! Alright, just get back here
as fast as you can.

Yes sir.

Hello?

Hello?

sh*t!

That was there already,
I think. That's...

No, that's fine.

- Insurance'll cover that.
- No! Help!

Just stay the...
Stay back!

No don't... don't...
Don't come any closer!

Are you ok?

Of course.
Who are you?

I'm Wesley, the new runner.

I heard the screaming, I though there
was some sort of emergency.

No, I was just running a few new
lines of dialogue out loud.

They're awful, of course.
Nobody talks like that, but...

SM bloody P wants
a new ending.

What happened to the...

daringly original horror film,
we were going to make together.

How did it turn into this
watered down schlock?

I know exactly where you're
coming from.

I'm actually writng
my own zombie film.

- Ah, you're a writer.
- Just finished film school.

Fellow student of the page.

Well, us writers should
stick together

Perhaps, I could give you
a few pointers.

Yeah, I mean...
That'd be awesome.

You see, Wesley, there's inspiration
all around you.

Let me give you an example.

A spoiled princess.
Blessed with amazing beauty.

Her looks makes her an object
of desire to others, but...

If no one can see through them,

how will she ever get the honest
admiration and respect,

which she so desires?

The king...

of a crumbling empire.
Struggling to stay in power.

Is he a misunderstood genius?
Or a raving madman?

The prophet.

A renowned storyteller.

Or is he just a teller of tall stories?

Do you follow?

Yes, but I don't see the difference between
borrowing from films or from real life.

That's because those films are someone
else's ideas of reality, not your own.

Great stories come from you.
From this.

So Wesley...
What's your story gonna be?

Ok, yeah.
Let's just...

- Oh dear!
- Do it.

Time for me to escape,
before the king has my head.

Hey, runner boy!

Hey, I mean, hey.

I mean...

Hey, I'm Wesley, the runner boy.

The runner, well actually I consider
myself more of a writer.

Yeah? I consider myself
more of an actress,

I'm just doing this until
I get offered a good role.

Oh, you're an actress? I can see
why, your face is good.

I mean, you have a good
face for it, for acting.

The camera would love
your face.

Not that there's anything wrong with
your body. It's a good body and face.

Pretty. More than pretty.
Beautiful.

Sexy.

Shapely.

The two of them together?
The camera would just love them, equally.
.

Yeah.

- Is Clive ok?
- Yes. I mean, no.

Well...

Did they say
what's wrong with him?

Oh, he thought it might be a
dodgy meal he had at the pub.

Thank God. I was worried I'd
undercooked the patties again.

- Again?
- sh*t!

- Look, don't tell anyone I said that.
- No, I won't... I wouldn't.

Half the crew already think
I'm trying to poison them.

What? With this?

No, are you kidding?
This looks...

- delicious.
- So you want some?

Yep.

You know, I was thinking maybe...

Maybe what?

Maybe, I'll go over there and
enjoy this delicious food.

Ok, you do that.

Weirdo.

- Who said you could sit here?
- No one, I can move.

Knock it off, will you, Randy.
Give him a break.

Let me tell my story?

Relax, Millhouse.
It's not even real.

It is made of high impact
polystyrene. See?

I'm just messing with you.

Kiwis are so
stupid and gullible.

As I was saying:

The grand final, five minutes to go,


sh*t, not this one again.

Yeah, we know, you scored the touchdown.
You win the game, yeah.

Sucked each other's dicks in the shower,
and you f*cked a sheep to celebrate.

Wooh-hoo-hoo, big deal!

Why don't you just get yourself
another pie, Hambo.

Well, I'd rather blow my brains out,
than listen to this sh*t again.

It's not even real football.

w*nk*r!

Anyway...

We'd been fighting a losing
battle for most of the game.

Oi! Pay attention.

So, they'd just scored two quick
tries and we had no answer.

With less than three minutes
on the clock,

it seemed impossible.

But then... out of nowhere...

We got a quick turnover
at the kickoff.

They faked me the ball.
I throw the meanest cutout pass.

Winny Grazer has an open space.
He sprints down the line...

and scored in the corner.

The try is converted. There's only two
minutes to go, and we're three points down.

High tackle from the restart.
We get a penalty.

A kick for goal,
would've given us a draw.

Or, we can try running it.

To win the game.

Who said you could take a break?

How long have you been back?

- Not long, I pretty much just got here.
- He's been chatting up the cook.

No, I haven't.
I don't chat up people.

We were having a chat.

Deliver this to Greg, and make
sure he reads it this time.

When you're done with that,

go and find Harold and see if he's
got the new ending SMP asked for.

Ok.

Now, I'm sure you've heard the rumours,
that he's doing experiments on real corpses,

he's managed to dig up.
But don't worry, it's completely false.

We'd never let him do
experiments on them.

It's not safe out there.
The zombies are coming.

Right, well...

We thought you wouldn't want to
fight them on an empty stomach.

Unnecessary.

I only rely on what
the land can provide.

Then what have you been
doing for food?

Ok. You just ate that

You'd be amazed how little
sustenance one requires.

Especially if you recycle
your own urine.

I can't leave now.
Not when I'm so close to a cure.

The answers lie within.

Well, I was told to give
you this script.

What use have I of a script.
I'm a scientist.

This is the end of the world.
I don't have time for fiction.

It's just there's some new lines in there.
If you do not know them...

Unless... unless this...

script was in fact a secret code,

containing calculations
for my work on the "C Virus".

In that case I would read it immediately,
for a better understanding of my role in...

fighting the zombie apocalypse.

Right.

- Well, that's exactly what this is.
- Then I'll read it immediately.

There's so little time...

- ...after all.
- Zombies are coming?

Exactly.

- Where's my new ending.
- Harold's still working on that, sir.

Well, what's that then?

This is actually my script.

Oh yes, every man and his mother's
written a script these days.

Not my mum. Not unless she's
been hiding it from me.

Which would be difficult,
because I live with her.

I'm kidding.
I don't live with my mum.

I live in the garage,
which is completely separate from the house.

Maybe you'd like to read my script?
I'm sure it's got lots of great ideas.

- I don't think so.
- I could pitch it to you.

- Ok, go!
- Now?

- Yes, now!
- Ok.

- Well, it's a zombie film.
- Oh God! Not another one.

- But at its heart, it's a love story.
- Romance has no place in horror films.

Well, it also has a lot of comedic moments.
It's a "horrordie".

You're laughing one minute,
you're jumping out of your seat the next.

"Horrordie" is not a word.

And mash-ups never work.

Sir, this script means
everything to me.

And all through film school I dreamed

of having the opportunity
to pitch it to someone like you.

Alright, maybe I will have
a look at it after all.

I understand your reservations, but

I think you're gonna really appreciate
some of the subtle homages

to the greats like, Carpenter and Raimi.

It's one of those movies that'll take multiple
viewings just to pick up on the nuance.

Don't just stand there,
go do some work.

Why... my... script?

Oh right, of course, restock
the toilet paper first though.

Those pages won't last long.

Alright, everyone! Quiet on set!

Quiet on set, everyone!

Roll everything!

Scene 57. Take 3.

Action!

We shouldn't be doing this.
It's dangerous.

The world's gonna end.

I say...

Let's go out with a bang.

Cut! Cut!

Sorry!

The hinge.

Everybody, shut the f*ck up.
Please.

Alright, let's do a take.

Hey, Stan, I didn't want to
say anything, but...

I don't think these lights are
doing my abs any justice.

- Let's reset the lights.
- No, let's do another take.

Not until we get these lights sorted.
Can you get my stand-in?

Jessica...

You wanna come back to my trailer,
and we can go through this scene in depth?

Yeah, just because you f*cked your
way through all your other co-stars

doesn't mean it's gonna
happen with me.

- Yeah, well, it's kinda my thing.
- Yeah, like maybe 10 years ago.

Are you calling me washed-up?

No, no one's saying that, Adam.
Let's everybody just calm down.

You can't even do an American accent,
it's quite pathetic.

Ooh, snap.

Well, I would rather die,
than sleep with you.

Besides, everybody knows that
you're secretly g*y.

I am not.

Now, everybody just calm down,
we'll talk like adults.

Forget it, no.
I can not work with this arsehole.

Everybody knows that my
American accent is perfect.

I'm not g*y.

Sir, there's another problem.

The stand-in's have gone missing.

Lucky we've got a replacement then,
isn't it?

What is this, wookie season?

He's like an ape.

Well, look at it this way...
Couldn't get worse.

sh*t!

Biscuit?

No, no, we need a stand-in
for Jessica as well.

God, I can't believe I'm doing this.

Sorry if I was a little frosty earlier.

I just don't trust anyone on-set
who looks too happy.

It is only my first day.

It's just so frustrating, that this is the closest
I'm getting to being in front of the camera.

Still waiting
for that big break?

What big break?

I'm 5 foot 5. I'm not super skinny,
or tanned, or blonde.

I don't do accents and...

My basic skillset involves
being good at chopping things up.

The only job I could get on a
film set is as a cook, and...

I hate cooking.

- I think that goes both ways.
- Cooking hates me?

People hate your cooking.

Right.

I don't even know why I'm angry about it.

I mean, I'd hate to play
most of the roles I audition for.

You know, useless air head waiting
for a big strong man to come save me.

You know, the script I'm working on,
actually has a really strong female role.

- What's the script about?
- It's a zombie film.

Ah, really?

No offence, but I like movies
that could actually be true.

Stuff that's taken from the real world.

No, no, the light is no good. You
both need to be in a better position.

This is somehow both
embarrassing and degrading.

Totally.

It's not like we haven't all been
in this type of position before.

Oh yeah, I've been
in this position heaps.

Because I have sex.

- Are you okay?
- Fine!

It's just... it's just so hot in here.
Is it hot in here?

Er, could you both kiss
for a wee moment?

- Are you serious?
- Yes, yes, for the frame.

Well, if it's for the frame, I guess
we should probably do what he says.

You have to be kidding!

No, I... it's not what you think.
I can explain.

- What now?
- He's got a b*ner.

I don't have one of those.
She's exaggerating.

He's got a raging hard-on.

It's not raging. It's not angry at anyone.
If anything, it's happy.

It's a happy, little...

Look, it's not even fully hard.
It's just a semi. It'll go away

- No f*cking way. I'm out.
- Don't go. It's an accident.

It's a compliment,
if you think about it.

- You should be flattered.
- Hey, Wesley!

Uh. Uh. Uh. Oh, my b*ner.

It's just a semi.

Are we done here?

Yes, but the nerd is too ugly to
to light without the girl.

Is it the pale skin, or the hair.

You know I can hear
everything you're saying, right?

And?

I deserve to be treated
with a little more respect.

Your, uh, sock's fallen off.

Richard, stop f*cking around with the
Ret*rded runner and get back here.

I've lost my phone again.

I'm not just a Ret*rded
runner, you know.

I'm actually an
aspiring writer.

Oh. You're actually a writer?
Did you go to film school?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, I went to film school.

Came out thinking I was
gonna be the next Spielberg.

Five years working for SMP,

and he doesn't even let me
call him by his first name.

- How's that for respect?
- Not very good.

Now I'll never get to
direct a film of my own.

No...

I'll probably just end up being SMP's
fat punching bag for the rest of my life.

Just give up.
It's better that way.

Such attention to detail.

Twilight Of The Dead.

I'm a fool.

Wes, think fast.

- What was that for?
- sh*t, sorry.

Totally thought you
were gonna catch that.

You alright?

Not really.

I feel like Bud Fox in Wall Street
after his dad's insider trading

I thought I had it all figured out,
but I just messed everything up.

Maybe I'm just not cut out
to work in the film industry.

You remember that grand final
I was telling you about?

So, we were given a penalty.
We could've kicked for goal,

that would've given us a draw.

But I decided to take a quick tap.

I catch them completely off guard,
and I slip right past two defenders.

I stepped left.
I stepped right.

Quick feint.

Now the try-line's only 20 meters away.
It's the run of my life.

They're falling off me.
Dropping like flies.

I roll right over the top.
I feel, like nothing can stop me,

The try-line's getting closer.
The crowd's going crazy.

That's when I made the secret.

I could feel them dragging me down.
I'm not gonna make it.

I need to off load the ball.

Then I hear the crowd roar.
They're willing me on.

Go Tane!
Keep going, you can do it!

And with all my strength.
I dig in, until, BANG!

I push right over the
try-line and score.

Just as the whistle blows full time.
The crowd goes wild.

We win the game.
One of the greatest moments of my life.

But my advice?

Tough it out for now.

So that, when you get given
the ball, you can run with it.

That's easy for you to say.

People don't see you as a joke.

Maybe...

But I guarantee you this...

You'll never be able to score,
unless you appear to stay in the game.

Now, go rig that lighting gear,

and clean up that sheep sh*t
down by the back of the set

- Now?
- Yes now!

This is the big shot.

All of the zombies coming out of
the forest, chasing Jessica and Adam.

The zombies are coming!
The zombies are coming!

Just humour him. Yes, we know,
they're coming Greg. It's very scary.

I'm f*cking serious!

They are coming! Zombies!
I was attacked by a zombie.

- We're all in very real danger!
- Of course we're in danger, Greg.

It's an apocalypse.

We're all just trying to prepare
as best we can.

- Are you all out of your f*cking minds?
- That's rich.

- The zombies are coming now!
- Heard you the first time.

Aaah!
Go away!

f*ck' method actors.

Get out the way.

Stanley! Someone needs to take me
back to the village to use the toilet.

What's wrong with the long drop?

Yes, are you joking?

Um, because you see, I'm not resting
my arse on some grubby long drop,

- like the rest of these f*cking peasants.
- We're just about to sh**t a scene.

I don't care.
Just do what I say.

- No.
- What?

No.

You do what I say. I'm the
f*cking director, goddammit.

And right now I'm directing
you to the long drop,

where you can creep one out
like everybody else.

How dare you talk to me like that!

I won a "Quanty". The best
emerging female artist.

You mean, breast emerging
female artist.

- Excuse me?
- That's right.

The only reason you won that
piece of sh*t award,

was because you got out
your perfect t*ts.

But in 10 years time, those t*ts
aren't gonna be so perfect anymore.

So, if you want a career
beyond the age of 35,

I suggest you stop acting
like a f*cking diva,

and do what you're f*cking told.

Stop f*cking clapping.

Oh God.

Oh my God.

Something tried to get me.

So, a hand came out of the toilet
and tried to grope you.

I didn't see anything.

Of course you didn't you idiot,
the door was closed.

Besides, everybody's heard the stories.
He's probably in on it, the sick little creep.

- Are you in on it, you sick little creep?
- No, I don't know anything about it.

- Those stories are wrong. It was just a semi...
- Look, I don't really care.

Like today could get any worse.

We'll just have to find an alternative.

- Satisfied?
- Alright, now go and wait over there.

Here?

Alright, and don't let me
catch you trying to look either,

because I heard that's exactly
the type of thing you would do.

Hello?

I know you're there, you little prick.

You're not funny.

Are you... touching yourself?

Now, listen up everyone.

I know that filming hasn't been going
as well as we all had hoped.

But that is about to change.

Because I have just discovered the
best script that I have ever read.

So we are going to stop
what we are sh**ting,

and we are going to start again
with this new screenplay.

Because I just know it is going
to turn this production around.

So, please, everyone.

I want you to give a big hand to the
architect of this masterpiece.

Wesley Pennington.

Well done, my boy.

- Here he is.
- Give me five.

Way to go, nipple d*ck.
Have a GL*CK.

- I love you.
- Wesley, Wesley...

Wesley. Wesley!
Wesley. Wesley! Wesley!

Yeah, hello, Wesley sleeping...
uh, speaking.

Where the f*ck are you?
Everyone's waiting for Jessica.

She's gone.

How can she be gone?
Where did she go?

- I don't know.
- It's your f*cking job to know.

Jesus!

It's the world conspiring to stop
me from making my film?

I just want something to go right.

Just give me something.

Sir?

Jessica? Jessica!

What the...?

Jessica?

Where the hell have you been?

Is that her American accent?

It's getting worse.

Greg.
Have you seen Jessica?

I think I found some of your props.

Oh geez.

You really are dedicated.

Why have you got your
t*ts out like that?

No, it's distracting from...

What was I saying?

Er... t*ts.

Oh God, she's purging in public.

Right.

You're a zombie.
You want to eat me.

Ok, well...

Oh no, please, Mr. Zombie.

Don't eat me.

Ok, take it easy.

You can stop now. I'm not here
to help you rehearse.

Seriously. Your breath stinks.
Get off me.

That's not a prop.

Hold on, is she...?

Oh my God. She is.
She's on drugs.

She's tripping. Perfect.
This is just perfect.

Oh my God.

Poor b*stard.

Somebody take her back to her
trailer and get her cleaned up.

Now!

Well... That's a lawsuit in the making.
Never happy if the camera's not on them.

Ok, forget about the actors.
Let's just sh**t the zombies, alright?

Line 'em up.

This is "the zombies emerging
from the woods" scene.

And it's gonna be spectacular.

You're not really gonna...

No, no, no.

They say something nasty got
into the water supply.

They're coming! The zombies!

Something tried to get me!

We're all in very real danger!

There's inspiration all around you.

Holy sh*t!

Real zombies.

Alright everyone, just hold on.

Hold on.
Wait for me to call action.

Use smoke.

Rolling.

Action!

- Did we get more zombies?
- I don't know.

Somebody help me.
Somebody help me, please.

No, you got it wrong.
Zombies don't talk.

And you're not supposed
to start eating each other.

Great.

Sorry, no autographs today.
I'm very, very tired.

Hands off, please.

I know. I know.
I know.

I'm amazing.

Not now!

Fans!

What a nightmare.

Jessica?

Trying to escape these savage
autograph hunters too, I see.

So unprofessional.

I'm gonna have a word with Stanley.
Get them all fired.

Wow.

They are award ready.

You look good to go.

Come on, you secretly like me.
No one can resist the body.

I'm definitely not g*y.

Let me show you how
not g*y I am.

Cut!

I said cut! Not eat!

I'm the director!

Cut!

Too late.

God, stop.
What is wrong with you?

Susan!

What the f*ck is wrong with you people.
The food is not that bad.

Get away from me.

- Weapon? Weapon?
- Wes, hurry!

Susan, look out!

Get behind me.

Hey, zombie.

Take this.

A little help?

Something else.

Maybe sharper.

I can't believe I just did that.

I wouldn't worry about it.
You were doing her a favour.

- She's dead.
- These are real zombies.

- Like actual zombies?
- Actual, actual.

Eat living flesh, have no pulse,
infect people with their bite zombies.

They've k*lled or infected most
of the crew. They're everywhere.

So, wait a second.
Why'd you come in here then?

I just wanted to see if you were ok.

But you hardly know me.

Well, no, but I'd like to.

Ok.

Let's go.

No, wait, I'm not one of them.
I'm just an extra.

One minute we're all getting ready
to do our scene and the next minute...

Get off me.

Dude, dude, they're zombies.
No, not me...

Oh, my God, what have you
done to my friend?

You gotta help me, man.
They're everywhere.

Oh f*ck, no way...

Hey!

Come here!

Come this way!
Come on!

The people you k*lled,
they were just...

Thank me for saving your asses later,
right now we need to make a plan.

That's it. Real zombies attack
a zombie film set.

This is my new ending.

Why don't we take this?
Who's got the keys?

It's Frankie's truck.
I'll find out where he is.

Tane for Frankie, where you at bro?

- Sounds like he's on lunch.
- I say we take these m*therf*ckers down.

The production car's over by the trailers.
Why don't we just make a run for it?

- It's not like they're fast.
- f*ck that.

Damned if I'm running away from a bunch
of slobbering, t*rror1st brain munchers.

Just lucky I brought some
live a*mo.

Like my daddy always told me.

Never safer...

Than when you got
a loaded g*n in the house.

How come I don't get a g*n?

How come I don't get a vag*na?

I still think making a run
for it's the option.

Dude.

That's a dead arm,
for being such a p*ssy.

See, when Iraq invented terrorism,
did America back down?

No, we bombed the f*ck out of them
and we saved the world from extremists.

You see, America does not back down.

America makes everybody else
back up.

Im'a clear the path.

Aw, no.

Stay behind me.

Im'a blow all these zombie f*ck...

Straight back to hell.

I hate tailgaters.

Ooh, ooh, yes.

Yo, zombies!

Come get some.

So...

Shall we go with my plan then?

You're ruining my sh**t.

What? It's harder than it looks.

Go! Go!
Come on!

Fake!

Come on, Harold!
Let's go!

The notebook.

Wait a minute, Harold!

Don't come any closer!

He really was willing to
die for his art.

Yeah. Dickhead.

Attention, everyone!

I would like to say

that I am very disappointed
by your behaviour today.

Now, let me make one thing very clear.

I will absolutely not tolerate...
cannibalism on my set.

And if this disturbing
trend continues,

I'm gonna be forced
to fire a lot of people.

So I want you all to stop what
you're doing, right now.

And we'll wrap for the day.

SMP we need to get out of here,
like, right now.

- Like f*ck we do.
- But...

Richard, I've never told
you this before,

but for years I took this project to
the Film Commission for funding.

You did?

They turned me down, Richard.

Time after time.
They thought my work was derivative.

And it lacked originality.

They said I should give up on
making a zombie film, because...

it wasn't real cinema.

But I didn't give up.

I scratched and clawed,
begged and borrowed.

And after ten long years.
Ten long years, ten long years...

I scraped together enogh money,
to finally make my film.

My film. The film that I had
always dreamed of.

Without any help from them.

I am determined to
make them respect me.

Respect me.

So I will finish this film.

You are going to help me do it.

We are going to get a digital camera,
from the back of the truck.

And we are going to sh**t the best
damn zombie horror film ever made.

Was that good enough for you?

Woah, woah, woah, woah!

- You k*lled all my fans.
- These aren't your fans, bro.

- They're brain dead.
- What, are you calling my fans mindless zombies?

Well, technically yes, we are.
But we're saying these are real zombies.

- They're attacking the crew and either k*lling them...
- Right.

- or turning them into more zombies.
- I'm with you.

So we need to leave immediately,
so we don't get k*lled by the real zombies.

Do you follow me?

Has anyone consulted the script?

This isn't part of the script, these are real
zombies and they're trying to eat us.

I'm not that comfortable with
this kind of improvisation.

- Look out!
- She's one of them.

Wait, no.
We just had sex.

You mean, you just
porked a zombie?.

That's a dead girl, bro.

I don't think so.
She was moaning and everything.

Yeah, that's what they do.

She looks like a corpse.

That's what they all look like
without their makeup on.

- Did she tried and bite you?
- What happens if they bite you?

We think that's how
you become one of them.

Lucky I didn't get bitten then.

Prove it.

- Take off your shirt.
- Hey, come on.

- This is crazy.
- You heard him.

Unless you want me to pop you one
right now just to be on the safe side.

You b*stard.

Satisfied?

Alright.

But what about if you got infected...
the other way.

I used protection.

I learned about herpes,
the hard way.

Yuck.

We gotta go.
Come on guys, let's go.

Wait up.
I still haven't figured this out.

Oh, yeah.

Who the f*ck was the idiot
that left their car in the ditch?

- Everybody push!
- We are!

Come on, push, one more time.

Is it my imagination,
or are they getting faster?

Ah sh*t. We'll just have to go on foot.
Let's go.

Clive?

They're coming from the village.

- We can't go back the way we came.
- We'll have to leg it through the bush .

- In the dark.
- What choice do we have?

- We'll get lost.
- That's better than being eaten.

What if they're in the bush too?

Guys?

That's impossible.

Real zombies don't move like that.

- At least not the Romero kind.
- What's a Romero?

Does anybody besides me
actually watch zombie films?

Run!

- One of us is draggin'.
- I can't keep this up.

Come on. Let's go.

Oh yeah.

SMP there's no way out.

This footage is breathtaking.
Finally something of real substance.

- Isn't he...?
- Richard!

- It's time for your big scene.
- What?

Don't worry, I'll make you look good.
I know just how to frame you.

- I don't wanna die.
- But you're not going to die, Richard.

You're gonna be immortalized on film.
For all time.

- But SMP...
- Please, you can call me Stanley now.

- I can?
- You've always been a good AD, Richard.

The best.

Oh, Stanley...

- I don't know what to say.
- Just use it.

Let's do a take.

But...

Come on, Richard,
we're almost out of time for the day.

Let's not keep the crew waiting.

Ok. Come on.

Aah, Richard.

Just the perfect take.

Just stay in the moment.
I love the emotion.

Richard!

Richard, you're a star.

Well, I guess it's time
for my close-up.

After all, every director is
just a frustrated actor.

You guys hear that?

They're coming back.

No.

I hear running water.

This way has to lead out of
the forest eventually.

Tane!

- Tane!
- sh*t, where is he?

Tane!

Tane!

Tane!

What is it?

- I don't know.
- Where's Adam?

He was right behind me
when I got jumped.

He got me.

Are you gonna be ok?

I'll let you know when I'm not.

What happened to you, action Barbie.
I could've done with a heads up.

f*ck you.
I don't even do my own stunts.

Look!

We're saved.

The engine's ok.

Just needs gas.

Alright.

Let's be very quiet.

We really don't want to
advertise our presence to anyone.

- Or anything.
- Ok.

Sorry.

The hinge.

No television. No phone,
no computer.

What the f*ck is wrong
with these people?

They're farmers.

Hello?

Hello sir.

Are you a zombie?

Are you nuts? Didn't she just say
we don't wanna draw attention?

They're zombies, ok?

- Not rockets makers.
- Good one.

f*ck you. I'm just trying
to stay alive here.

Who cares if you guys survive,
but I'm famous.

- The fans would never forgive me.
- Just take it easy, Barbie.

I should just sh**t you now.

- You're infected.
- We need to work together.

I should sh**t you all,
before you become liabilities.

- Don't be an idiot.
- You'll be the first to get it.

- With that dog sh*t you call catering.
- We're all on the same team, Adam.

You wouldn't waste three precious b*ll*ts

on the same people who're gonna
help you get out of here, would you?

We all know how important
you are. Right guys?

Protecting you is our
number one priority, just...

Hand over the g*n.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

Dickhead.

f*ck.

What the f*ck?

You alright in there?

I'm fine.
Just give me a minute.

Do you, um...
see anything?

It's empty.

Yo buddy, get out here.

- I'm busy.
- Fine, you're on your own.

That's not good.

Of course.

- It's got a shed.
- Well, it's not much good to us now.

Well, maybe.

I think I can get there.

I'll fill up the can,
then I'll get it to the ute.

Then I'll draw them away so you guys
can make a run for the truck.

You'll be eaten alive.

Well, what have I got to lose.

It's a long way.

I'll make it, no sweat.

Just get you to roll me a durrie, eh.
My hands are a bit shaky.

I gotta be honest, kid.

You're not a very good runner.

I know.

But I think one day,
you might make a good writer.

You do?

I read some of your script,
while I was on the toilet.

Not bad.

The love story needs a bit
of work, though.

I'm working on it.

But I'm not sure I'm good enough.

I'll tell the truth about
that rugby game mate.

They held me up,
before I got to the line.

I could've thrown a pass,
but I went for the glory run.

We lost the final.

It was all my fault.

Never got a look in with
the selectors, after that.

But if I could do it all again...
I wouldn't change a thing.

But why?

Because you should always
go for glory.

Always go for glory.

I could probably use that.

- Plus, you can't die a virgin.
- I'm not a virgin.

Whatever, kid.

Tane, get up bro. We need you.

You gotta get up.
The team needs you...

Yes.

- It's working.
- Let's go.

I'm gonna become one of them.

You want me to give you a hand?

No, wait.

I don't need a hand at all.

Wes, this is crazy.

We don't know how long it takes
to become a zombie.

So?

So, if we chop off my hand
it might stop the infection.

Chop off your whole hand?

And then cauterise it.

Are you sure about this?

Yep.

You've gotta count to three
and when I...

- You b*tch!
- You asked..

Do not take it personally, it's
just the excrutiating pain.

I can't do it.

You're gonna have to help me.

I can't look.

f*ck!

God!

How's it look?

Uh, well...

What?

- It's not quite done yet.
- f*ck off.

- I know.
- You can't even cook my arm right?

Well, it looked done but,
there's still some pink, tender bits.

- It's all pink, tender bits.
- Sorry.

Wes!

Wes, wake up!

Wesley, I need you.

I can't do this without you.

Wes, wake up.

Wesley.

Susan, I was having the
worst nightmare.

We were surrounded by zombies
and you chopped off my...

sh*t! sh*t! sh*t!

Come on! Come on!

Go!

You're gonna have to drive.
Climb over me.

Climb over.

Watch my stump.

- Watch your knee.
- Those are my ba*ls.

Get your elbow out of my back.

Is this a bad time to mention
I haven't driven manual for a while?

It's a very bad time.

Are you serious?
I stabbed him in the brain.

That explains why it looks like
he's having a stroke.

Even when he's dead,
he's overacting.

Alright, just relax.

Just put it into first and ease
your foot of the clutch,

while gently easing your other foot
onto the accelerator.

I know.
Don't be a backseat driver.

- I said, ease off the clutch.
- I'm trying.

You're a horrible instructor.
You're just making me nervous.

Sorry, but the zombies outside,

trying to eat our brains
are making me a little nervous.

- Bloody females...
- Don't you dare say it.

Hey, you're good at this game.
That's seven...

So, how's your arm feeling?

Um, it's only sore when I move it.

So...

Does this mean
a date's on the cards?

I guess you've got a shot.

Seeing as you might be one
of the last men on earth.

- Well, that's alive, anyway.
- Thank you, apocalypse.

Hello!

I think that's new.

Is that what I think it is?

No.

Even the drunkest students would have
gone home a couple of hours ago.

That f*cking sucks.

Oh sh*t, here we go again.

Cut!

First positions.
Let's do another take.

And ready!

Coffee, sir?

Just put it by my chair.
Thank you.

This is it.
The big scene.

Show them who's boss.
Great work, guys. That was amazing.

I do have one note, though.

When I was there I was definitely
less terrified and more heroic.

- You were really scared.
- Now, hang on a minute.

He was actually
kinda sh1tting himself.

I was not sh1tting...
There was no sh...

Can I have a word?

I'm the writer, director remember?

Is it really such a good idea to
embarrass me in front of the whole crew?

It's unprofessional.

Well, I'm the lead actress and
co-producer, remember?

It's my responsibility to make sure

this is as close to what happened
in real life as possible.

I was pretty composed.

Sure.

That's unprofessional too.

But I'm gonna allow it.

- We'll go with the scared version.
- Right.

Ok, everyone.
Let's go for another take.

And remember, this is our big scene,
with all the zombies emerging from the city.

And it's gonna be... spectacular.