02x20 - My Big Fat Sober Wedding

[bunniefuu]

Okay, Matthew,
we won't be home late, okay?

I've left dinner for you and
Ritchie on the kitchen counter.

Where?

Right there. Menu-- a 20.

That's a five.

And a coupon for carpet cleaning.
Just figure it out.

Christine, you have got
to clean your bathroom.

The mold on your showerhead
just gave me the finger.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Hi!
- Hey.

Okay, I'm glad
you guys are here.

Can't wait to get there.

Oh, you love weddings, too?

No, I hate weddings,

but I love getting dressed up
and I'm breaking in a new bra.

I should have worn a bra.

I'm not going to let
that ruin my mood.

Really? No bra?

I got more support under here
than the troops in Iraq.

Hey, so who's getting married?

Our old college friend Ben.

So what do we know about the bride?
Claire, right?

Yeah. Well, Ben's great.
I'm sure she's great.

I hope she's not
prettier than me.

Yeah, nothing worse than a
wedding where the bride outshines

the bitter drunk
lady in the back.

I don't like that.

Come on. Let's get going.

They're having a champagne
reception before the ceremony.

Hey, we should pick
a designated driver.

- Odd finger out?
- Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, what about me?

What?

What, I can go to a
wedding without drinking.

I've done that before.

When?

Uncle Duddy's wedding.

You were an eight-year-old
flower girl.

I didn't have a drink
and I didn't wear a bra.

Subtitles : Amariss & Raceman

It was was such a
beautiful ceremony.

When her dad walked her up there,
I totally lost it.

Their vows were sweet,
but I thought it was a little tacky

they used tongues
during the kiss.

You didn't think it was tacky when you
shouted, "That's what I'm talking about!"?

Okay, drunkies,
here's our table.

All right, let's see,
who did they put us with? Oh, no.

No!

Uh! Not a chance.

I can't find my card.

You might want to
check table six.

You guys made it.

Ben! There he is! Oh, hey!

My God, Christine,
you look fantastic.

- Oh, please.
- Your hair got smaller

and you stopped dressing
like Pat Benatar.

Yeah, I don't miss those
black pleather pants.

God, at the end of college, I had to
powder up to get in those babies.

Barbara Jean-- "B.J."

Benjamin Michael-- "B.M."

Dude, you look great.

Dude, so do you.
It's in the hole.

Cinderella story,
come out of nowhere.

What are they doing?

Oh, it's from Caddyshack.

We used to watch it
a lot in college.

Oh, in college we
watched Titanic.

"I'm so cold, Jack."

You should rent it.

Uh, Ben, this is my girlfriend
New Christine.

Hi, I loved your wedding.

I love all weddings.

Except my dad's second wedding.

My mom crashed it...
with her car.

Well, there's no chance
of that happening here.

My parents are dead.

They were hit by a
car at a wedding.

Hey, wait a minute.

He's kidding, sweetie.

You a*s!

Pretty funny. We were sued.

I gotta go get another drink.

Claire.

These are my friends from
college I was telling you about.

This is Richard.

He's got a license
to k*ll gophers.

Oh, Caddyshack. Yay.

Great to meet you, though.
Thanks so much for coming.

And this is Christine.

Hi. Oh, what a great wedding.
You look so beautiful.

Oh, thank you.

So, this is Christine.
The famous Christine.

The best friend,
the perfect woman.

The one he can't stop talking
about even when he's asked to.

Hi, I'm Barb.

Oh, "B.J."

I haven't been called that since
college for lots of reasons.

Well, Ben tells me you're
an amazing singer.

Oh, I don't know about amazing.

I used to get up at open
mike night back in college.

You know,
people seemed to like it.

Standing ovations.

You have to sing something
with the band later.

That would be classic.

Oh, I really don't do that anymore.
I'm kind of retired.

- I understand.
- All right, I'll do it.

By the way, that giant gift over there,
that's from me.

In case the card falls off.

Oh, sh**t!

I left your gift at home,
and it was so good, too.

Mm. Well,
Ben loves your presents.

He still wears that Jackson
Browne T-shirt you got him...

all the time,

even when he's asked not to.

We should go say
hello to my family.

I'll catch you guys later.

Wow, she did not like you.

Right? I know.
What the hell was that all about?

Ben always had a thing for you.
She probably feels a little threatened.

Oh, God, do I look that good?

- No.
- No.

Come on. Let's go get a drink.

Yeah, go ahead and drink.

I'll be here to pick up the pieces,
get you home safe.

God, why do I always
have to be the grown-up?

I am quickly falling out
of love with this new bra.

Hello.

Matthew, I forgot
the wedding gift.

Listen, I need you to call
Ali and get her to come over

and watch Ritchie and
you can bring it to me.

What wedding gift?

The chocolate fountain.

It's in a big box on
the kitchen counter.

Where is it?

Just bring it.
I'm sober and I'm not in the mood.

This is such a beautiful event.

I love the place settings
and the flowers.

It's a perfect size
for a wedding.

Not too big, not too small.

What would you
call this, medium?

I guess.

What kind of weddings
do you like?

Short ones.

I don't really think
about weddings.

Yeah, me, neither.

Be a shame to drive
into this wedding.

- What can I get for you?
- Club soda.

Boy, there are a lot of
drinkers here tonight, huh?

I mean, I'm not judging.

It's just sad.

Well, I think everyone's
just having a good time.

It's a... wedding.

Champagne, please.

So, listen, Claire,

I am picking up some major
weirdness between us,

and I really want to reassure you
that Ben and I were just friends.

That is it, really.

I'm sure he hasn't had a single
thought about me in 15 years.

He married you.

Can't we be friends?

And before you answer,

remember, you got a
great gift coming.

With a really funny card.

There are these two cows
on a racquetball court...

No, no. Wait till you see it.
I don't want to ruin it, but...

Uh, I'm sorry. It's a big day
and I'm a little wound up.

It's just, he talks about
you in such glowing terms.

I... I guess I made
you out to be a threat,

but now that I've met you, I...

I actually feel a lot better.

Yeah, see?
I'm just a regular girl.

I put my comfortable underwear
on one leg at a time.

Although, actually, today I accidentally
put two legs through one hole

'cause I was driving, but...

I'm actually feeling
so much better.

Good, good, yeah.

Did you see that?

I'm telling you,
if I had been drinking,

it would have gone a
whole different way.

I would have offended her
or spilled something on her

and then, I don't know,
made out with her.

Are guys always this
ugly at weddings?

Hey.

I got tired of waiting, I snagged a couple
of prime ribs off that table over there.

The bride and groom's table?

Yeah. They never eat
at their own wedding.

It's so good.

Definitely the best
thing about a wedding.

So you do think about weddings?

What?

Well, earlier you said you
never think about weddings,

but now you're saying you
like to eat at weddings,

so you've obviously
thought about that.

Yeah, I like to
eat at weddings,

I like to eat at funerals,

I like to eat in my car.

I like to eat.

What are we talking about?

Nothing. You don't
have to freak out.

I just want to know where
you stand on weddings.

I don't really stand anywhere.

I've been married, I had a wedding
and kind of glad to be done with it.

That's all I wanted to know.

I love you.

It's in the hole.

- So she doesn't hate you?
- No. I am telling you, Barb,

I totally turned it around.
Not drinking at a wedding is amazing.

My senses are sharper,
I can make quick decisions--

I'm like a freakin' ninja.

Hey, that sounds good.
I'm gonna have a kamikaze.

Excuse me, everyone,
if I can have your attention?

Uh, first I'd like to say,

whoever stole our steaks,
we're going to find you.

I'm serious. Not cool.

Second...

there are so many people who helped
make tonight the special night it is.

But mainly,
I'd like to thank the woman I love,

the girl of my dreams.

I can't wait to begin
my life with her.

I love you, Christine.

Oh, crap.

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

Oh, crap.

I am telling you, Barb,
this one wasn't my fault.

He said my name-- I was just sitting
there minding my own business.

I can't help it if he
finds me irresistible.

Club soda. Sorry.

And a little garlic bread.

Seriously, come on,
what am I gonna do now?

It's a big room,
the cake'll be out soon--

just lay low and
steer clear of Claire.

I have no more ideas.

Yes, I do.

I'm gonna get a mai-tai.

Fun wedding, huh?

I feel like a fairy
tale princess.

Did you see when
my mom threw up?

Claire, I'm really sorry.

No, no need to apologize.

I'm glad I found out now--

20 minutes after I agreed to
spend the rest of my life with him.

No, no.
It was a mistake, you know?

I was in his eye-line, and we'd been
talking, and it just slipped out.

I know. Perfectly innocent.

In fact, I'm sure you guys will
have a good laugh about it

on your honeymoon at
the Four Seasons Maui.

Oh. I heard about that place. That's
where you can swim with those dolphins.

You've ruined my wedding!

Claire, I know you're having a bad day.
Weddings are brutal for the bride.

You're anxious, you're keyed up,
you've been drinking.

I'm not judging. I mean...

It's a little sad, but...

Marriage is not
about the wedding.

Nobody remembers the
toast or the food

or those tacky
bridesmaids' dresses.

- I made those.
- Beautiful!

Anyway, marriage is
about the man you love

and the man who loves you
more than anybody else.

And that man is Ben.

Wow.

What a perfect thing to say.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Hey, listen, is this one of those weddings
where you can take home the centerpieces?

- No.
- Oh, okay, I'll...

I'll, uh, I'll put it back.
It's-it's not... I can do that.

You've been dating the girl for over
a year, you take her to a wedding,

and you didn't think she
was gonna bring up marriage?

Dope.

I know.

What exactly is the problem?

Don't you want to marry her?

It's not her, it's marriage.

It starts off with "I love you,"
and ends with her mother

cutting my face out of all the
family photosos. True story.

Marriage doesn't work.

That's why more than
half of them fail.

Hey, how you doing!

You guys are gonna make it!

Happy, happy, happy!

Hit me.

I don't know what to do.

I love her.

I love what we have together.

I could even see spending
the rest of my life with her.

I just don't want to get
married and mess everything up.

I love her too
much to lose her.

Well, there you go--
tell her that.

Yeah. I'll tell her that.

It's perfect.

Will you tell her that?

No. It should be me.

Right?

Dope!

And his mother used to
visit us in college

in this giant boat
of a Cadillac.

Oh, my God...
she still has that.

What? I can't believe
she's even still alive.

She was, like,
a thousand when I met her.

Of course she's still alive--
she's too mean to die.

I can see why you
and Ben are friends.

Oh, gosh, well,
there's nothing else we could be.

I mean, that time we slept
together was a disaster!

You slept with Ben?

No.

That mom is mean, huh?

She ain't gonna die.

He told me nothing ever
happened between you two.

He lied to me.

Oh, w... yeah, uh...
everybody lies.

Hey, is there any chance we
can keep this between us?

Excuse me.

Ben?

Claire, wait.

You slept with Christine?

You told me nothing happened.

There's my beautiful bride.
Let's cut the cake.

Ben, Ben, I may have inadvertently
mentioned that we slept together.

I'm so sorry.

Is that coconut? Oh, gross.

I feel like our entire
relationship is based on a lie.

Sweetie, come on,
it was a long time ago.

I barely even remember it.

Yeah, it was fast.

I mean, good fast.

Hey, you're in
for a real treat.

If it was nothing,
then why did you lie about it?

And why did you say
her name in the toast?

I don't know--
but you've got to believe me,

I don't have any
feelings for Christine.

And by the way,
it wasn't that fast.

Wasn't that slow.

Claire, I was 19,
40 pounds overweight.

She's the only one that
would sleep with me.

I don't mind a little chunk.

Kind of dig it.

I want you to stop talking
and start drinking.

- But I'm the designated driver.
- I'm un-designating you.

You're the only person I know who's
more of an a*s sober than drunk.

That's true.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah!

Baby?

- You alone?
- Yeah.

I was just talking to Barb,

and what I said before
came out all wrong,

and maybe if I could
explain it to you,

you'd understand
where I'm coming from.

I'd love to hear
an explanation,

because all I heard was that you
didn't want to get married again.

That's not it at all.

Let me just try to remember what I told
Barb, because she really got it.

I love you...

but I'm never gonna marry you.

Wait, that wasn't it.

- That...
- I'm gonna go home.

I have a lot to think about.

No. No. It's you.

I don't want to marry you.

Damn it! Barb!

Wow! There are a lot of
good-looking guys here.

I'm good-looking... but stupid.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, there you are.
Here's your gift.

I'm keeping it.
Chocolate fountain.

40 bucks at a garage sale.

Sit down--
Barb's about to sing.

No, no, I wasn't gonna stay.

Oh, no, you are.
You have to drive us home.

I think we've had a little
too much to... with...

Great. Nothing like being the
only sober person at a wedding.

I could be home right now
eating used chocolate.

Okay, guys,
I haven't done this in a long time,

but this is for
Ben and Christine.

Claire! Claire!

Claire and Christine.

That's what I'm talking about!

# Lying in my bed #
# I hear the clock tick #

# And think of you #

# Caught up in circles #

# Confusion is nothing new #

Does that sound good to you?

Oh, I mean, if anything,
she has gotten better!

- Right.
- Yeah.

And... and have you ever heard her
sing without a drink in your hand?

No, 'cause in college,
I didn't never have...

# If you're lost #
# you can look and you will find me #

# Time after time #

# If you fall #
# I will catch you I will be waiting #

# Time after time #

Come on!

# Time after time #

# Time after time... #