Father Joe, you in there?
Yes. Come in,
my son, coming in.
Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned.
My last confession was, um...
It's fine
if you can't remember it.
No, no, I remember.
I had to do my laundry,
afterwards--
Let's just say
it was last Sunday
and let's move on, okay?
-Sins?
-Right. Um--
Lying. A lot of lying
to my parents mostly.
I also might have resorted
to violence at one point.
Is that how
you got your black eye?
Yeah.
Sorry.
I'm sorry, I mean,
Nico, I never pinned you
as a fighter, you know?
-What's that supposed to mean?
-Is the other guy okay?
No, but I'm not the one
who hurt him.
-That's all?
-Yes, but--
Five Hail Mary, five Our Father.
-That's for your penance.
-No. Okay.
I'm not alone.
I brought my parents.
-Your parents?
-Yeah.
To confess?
What they have to confess for?
I have nothing to confess
that I don't feel 100% justified
in doing.
And even then, none of it is
sinful. None of it.
Just got out of the hospital,
my own son
thinks the next place
I need to go to is a church.
No disrespect, Father.
This is ridiculous.
I go to church like
a decent human being should.
-If I may--
-I'm telling you, Father Joe,
it's Vincenzo
you've got to talk to.
Can't even begin to list
the sh*t that he's pulled.
No disrespect, Father.
If I were you
I'd skip penance entirely
and have him
jump straight into hell.
Yeah, let the devil
sort him out. See if I care.
And if he doesn't,
then I'll just do it myself.
Just you watch me.
I mean, what the hell?
No disrespect, Father.
I don't wanna be here, Joe.
Angelina might have mentioned.
-She mention anything else?
-Quite a bit,
but I would like
to hear it from you.
It's been a hectic few days.
Get it.
Call from Vitali Nico.
I'll get it.
Nico, why haven't you called?
Your father, he never
does anything around here.
The Yankees are on. Hello?
Yeah, well,
he never goes to the store.
He never listens.
Are you listening?
Be here at 6:00.
Antipasto con burrata,
minestrone, focaccia,
prosciutto mortadella,
bucatini,
eggplant parmigiana...
-Mmm.
-...tiramisu for dessert,
and your favorite, meatballs,
ground beef and pork.
No, no, no, love, no veal.
Don't be late.
No veal? C'mon--
Meatballs need veal.
-Ma dai, they were out of veal.
-Hm.
Oh, stop it with this
ding, ding, ding dong.
They k*ll lab rats.
If I die,
they'll be doing you a favor.
I hate the sound
of that back scratcher.
Maybe you could scratch
my back, huh? Huh?
Yeah, and you know, I'll...
Don't start.
I'm not in the mood.
Come on. Come on.
There's too much to get done.
Hey, when is the last time
we did it?
Memorial Day.
I wore black a nightie
in memory of all the people
who died for our country.
How come we only do it
on birthdays and holidays?
We'll do it next time
we go on vacation.
Hm?
Out, out. I've got work to do.
-That's our newspaper.
-My yard, my paper.
Your paper?
-Morning.
-And what do we have today?
Smell that eggplant.
Mmm! The bittersweet
heavenly aroma.
And you call this a lemon?
I don't see you running to
the store to find better ones.
-Morning, Angelina.
-Morning, Murray.
No birthday parties
in need of clowns today?
Either that
or those horror movies
finally k*lled a once proud
and profitable industry.
Where are you off to today?
Think I'll enjoy this day off.
I'll be next door with Vincenzo.
This is the saddest
cup of coffee
-that I've ever seen.
-Oh, I guess
I just don't have
your magic espresso touch.
-Hmph.
-Your nails look like sh*t.
Well, thanks.
So do you, minus the hair.
Eh, the hair
also looks like sh*t.
I'll fix it tomorrow.
And I told you,
soft pink polish.
Not slutty pink. I took it off
the minute I got home.
Well, you keep bitching
you can go to that nail salon
down the street for 30 bucks.
-What is it?
-I'm tracking Murray.
- What?
- Yeah, there's an app.
Heh. There's always an app.
Isn't it a little too much?
Ah, I gotta see what he's up to.
Relax,
he's just going next door.
-Have you found anything out?
-Not yet.
She made me dig up all
my succulents, right,
just so she had room
to plant the exact same thing
she could get at the market.
This is all I have left.
Welcome to Angela's greenery.
The stuff she grows
tastes better
than the stuff at the store.
Jesus, you sound just like her.
-How's your son doing?
-Good. Nico's good.
He's coming over
for dinner tonight.
And God help him,
he's bringing a girl.
She's made me clean all day
like the Pope is coming.
From what I heard,
your wife think you do nothing.
It's always, "I'll do it later."
Really? When's the last time
you helped around the house?
I'm busy at work.
You are a birthday clown.
It's exhausting.
Don't start with me,
you jobless--
-Retired.
-Gavone.
Hey, stop stealing my lines,
you--
Yah.
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
Oh, good. You're here.
Your son's
finally bringing a girl over.
He won't even tell me her name.
Everything's a secret
with that kid.
-That kid's 30 years old.
-It's all your fault.
You're the reason why Nico
never brings girls around.
You have scared off
every girlfriend he's ever had,
except for Geena, the hyena,
who laughs at everything
that anybody says
like she's heard it
on Fallon.
Well, that hyena goes
to mass every Sunday.
Ow, just behave yourself.
I don't need
any more surprises. Out.
Mmm, mm, mm.
So, what exactly happens
at that dinner?
I'm getting to that,
but first, let me tell you,
it's a whole other story.
Something was up
before we even got there.
Yeah, you know, those, um--
Ah. What do they call them?
You know,
they made a musical about 'em.
Mormons. That's what they are.
-You know them?
-What?
Okay, let me explain.
I just finished
the getting the house ready
and they were gonna be there
any minute.
Is that-- Ah!
Vincenzo, it's her.
- What?
- Nico's friend. She came early.
- By herself?
- Yes.
Just put some pants on
and get over here.
-I can't find my pants.
-I picked them for you.
-They're on the dresser.
-What about a shirt?
-Just put something on.
-Anything?
-Yeah, yeah, anything.
-What about my jersey?
-No, not that, you idiot.
-You said anything.
Oh!
Hello there.
Hi. It is so nice to meet you.
Likewise. What's your name?
-I'm Chloe.
-Chloe.
I'm Angelina Vitali.
Nico's mom.
Although I wouldn't blame you
for confusing me
with his sister.
I'm sorry?
Nothing. It was just a joke.
Are you, um...Italian?
I actually am
on my mother's side.
Grazie dio.
Come on in then.
Okay.
Oh!
Excuse me.
Vincenzo, what are you wearing?
Couldn't find the shirt.
Chloe, this is my husband,
Vincenzo.
Oh, it's so nice to meet you.
Never met a Chloe before.
-Where's Nico?
-Nico?
Nico, our son. Your boyfriend.
Oh, you must have me
confused for somebody else.
What?
Angel, you brought
this woman into our house
without knowing who she was.
Well, it's not like
she stopped me.
You immediately welcomed me
into your house and--
Hold on.
"Life in a peaceful new world."
Oh God. You are in a cult.
No, I'm a Jehovah's Witness.
Oh, God, you're in a cult.
-All right.
-Out. out.
-I'm going. Quit the shoving.
-Vincenzo, go put a shirt on.
-I got a shirt on.
-A real one.
Hi.
I wonder who that was.
All right.
Okay. Do I look okay?
Yeah, I mean, it's fine.
-Okay great.
-You look great.
Oh.
What's wrong?
-Stop, stop, stop.
-Okay--
-I got it. I got it. I got it.
-Ugh.
-Oh, my God.
-It's fine. It's fine.
-It's like, it's torn.
-My mom won't care. It's fine.
It's okay. Really, actually,
you'll really love her.
I know, but I--
Hi, Mom. Who was that?
That was-- It doesn't matter.
This is my girlfriend, Lily.
Hi. Yes, and this is for you.
Ah, what happened to your skirt?
She got caught on a rosebush.
It's embarrassing.
But your roses are fine.
Well, thank you for showing
concern for my garden.
As long as you haven't trampled
my eggplants, I'll live.
No, I-- You have eggplants
too, that's--
Eggplants, tomato, zucchini.
If it came out of the dirt,
I grew it
and we're having it for dinner.
She insists on everything
being very fresh.
-Where's dad?
-I'm here. I'm here.
This is our son's girlfriend,
Lily.
It's so nice
to finally meet you.
You as well.
My husband, Vincenzo.
I'm liking you better
than Chloe already.
Chloe?
-Oh, never mind Chloe.
-Who's Chloe?
Come with me.
I'm gonna find you something
that isn't torn to shreds
to wear for dinner.
No, no, no, I couldn't let you
do that. I'm fine.
I'm not asking.
I won't have anyone
wearing less than their
Sunday best at my dinner table.
Doesn't dad always eat
in his boxers and his--
Hey, not when
we're having guests.
Follow me.
Okay.
-She'll be okay, right?
-Yeah, yeah.
This belonged to my mother.
Oh, my gosh.
Are-are you sure? I--
Wow, this must mean
a lot to you.
Yeah, right, well,
we moved that strega
to a nursing home years ago.
She refuses to take
any of her old stuff.
She says they don't have room.
What the hell are we paying for?
Well, it's absolutely beautiful.
So, thank you.
It goes well with your hair.
Oh. Thank you.
I actually just got it done.
-You can change in the bathroom.
-Perfect. Heh.
So it won't be a chance now,
is the time
for our first and third to--
Well, you wanna start
a conversation
with your old man, huh?
Why don't you ask
how retirement is?
Well, you didn't retire.
Uncle Sal fired you.
Let's talk about you.
How's the restaurant?
It's fine. Busy.
Lila seems nice.
Lily. It's Lily.
- So where are you from?
- Near San Francisco.
-Ever heard of Martinez?
-Martinez?
It's where martinis
were created.
That's where Joe DiMaggio
was born.
Oh, don't let Vincenzo
hear you say that.
He idolizes that man.
Once you start to talk about it,
believe me, you'll regret it.
Um...
Are you by any chance Italian?
Oh, uh-- No, I'm not.
Oh, that's fine for now.
And, uh, your parents,
do you keep in touch?
Are you close?
Uh, they actually passed away
a while ago.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
No, in-laws.
I'm sorry. What was that?
Nothing.
You're lucky the dragon
hasn't chewed her up
and spit her out yet.
I think they're getting along
pretty well.
How long have you and my son
been seeing each other?
He hasn't told you?
Oh, it's easier to pull teeth
than have Nico talk about girls.
Sorry. Do you mind?
We've been seeing each other
for about nine months.
-Ow!
-Nine months?
And Nico hasn't told us?
What the hell's
the matter with you?
I mean, I don't know.
I-I'm an actress for starters.
Oh, as if this town
had a shortage of them.
I guess I'm not
the tidiest person.
And you wind up with Nico,
Mr. I rinse his underwear.
Oh, I know, right?
Did you teach him that?
No, he picked that up on his own
when he started dating girls
in high school.
-Nine months?
-Hm.
Look, we've been down
this road before, right?
Oh, not since
you were in college.
You know, you think that
maybe you can rein her in
if like the spaghetti
starts to fly?
-I have no control over her.
-She's your wife.
-She's your mother.
-You live with her.
She doesn't know everything
that happens in this house,
neither do you.
Look at him.
Oh, my gosh, he's so cute.
Can you imagine what my
grandchildren will look like?
Oh, grandchildren.
Yeah, I can imagine.
What do you mean by that?
- Nothing.
- You don't want kids?
-I don't not want kids.
-And Nico knows this?
You know, we actually haven't
really talked about it yet.
You don't see yourself like,
wanting kids in the future?
Um...
I mean, gosh, maybe one day,
like, ten years from now.
Ten years? I mean,
that's a long time.
You're not getting any younger.
Oh, wow. Um...
You know,
I was once married before,
and one of the reasons
we got divorced
is 'cause he wanted kids
and I just
I just wasn't ready yet
for that kind of responsibility.
Married? You are divorced
and you didn't tell Nico?
He knows. Um--
Anyways, what do you think?
How do I look?
Like my mother.
Okay.
What is that supposed to--?
Oh... Look at you.
Wow!
Hey, is that Nonna's dress?
Like she'd ever miss it.
I'll be right back.
So where you been?
I mean, you know, nine months.
Oh, yeah, I've actually been
working at the Edge Playhouse
-in Santa Monica.
-Never been there.
Haven't seen a play since
we were up in Hollywood.
Saw Jersey Boys.
Oh, so you guys,
you don't go out very often?
Oh, he doesn't take Mom out,
except to go to church.
So, what do you do
at the Playhouse?
-Uh-- I'm an actress.
-I'm an actor.
You haven't acted in 20 years.
And that was a commercial
for Sal's car dealership.
I sang in that low-budget
piece of crap.
Prosecco time.
Thank you.
-Of course. Cheers.
-Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Cheers.
Oh, Mom, sorry.
I forgot about you.
-Sorry.
-Cheers.
You know, Angela makes
the burrata by hands.
Oh, wow, that's amazing.
I think for now
I'm good with just a drink.
Thank you.
Maybe he wasn't clear enough.
I made the burrata by hand
from scratch,
slaving away
all day in the kitchen.
All for this night.
Okay, cool, so.
Hey, what's going on
at the theater these days?
Well, we're doing auditions
right now
for a new play.
It's a romantic comedy.
Oh, syrupy sh*t.
It actually takes place
in Little Italy.
Little Italy?
Angela and I grew up
in Little Italia.
We lived across the street
from each other.
Yeah, her parents moved in
from Milano.
His parents were from Naples.
She's kept me in check
ever since.
I would love to have you
swing by rehearsals one day.
It would be really great
to have feedback
from an authentic
full blooded Italian.
That don't sound so bad.
Hah, Little Italy.
Um... Where are you from?
Martin--
-Yeah.
-What?
Martinez.
What? No, you--
Oh!
Joe DiMaggio is from Martinez.
Hey, he was a god.
When I think about my hero,
Joltin' Joe,
nine-time World Series Champion,
13-time All Star.
1941, had the greatest
sports record of all time.
A 56-game hittin' streak
for the Yankees.
Oh!
He was a real man.
Don't come comparing
Joe DiMaggio to God, huh?
-That's sacrilege.
-Eh...
I don't really think it is, Mom.
You forgot everything
you learned in church?
I go to church more often
than both of you.
When both of you
go to church,
you can ask Father Joe
if it's sacrilege.
-Well, is it?
-Huh?
Sacrilege? Is it sacrilege?
No. I already told Nico,
it isn't.
Hah. Oh, I knew it. Mm.
Anyway...
And while you're at it,
ask if your father
needs to go to confess.
What do I need to confess?
I actually don't go to church.
-You don't?
-Well, I'm an atheist,
so I think it would be kind of
hypocritical if I did. Heh.
Huh!
Can we maybe just talk
in private for like a second?
-Sure. Yeah. Absolutely.
-Why not here?
Angela.
It'll just be a second.
Okay.
- Excuse me.
- What's going on?
Why didn't you tell
your parents
we've been together
for nine months?
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-And why didn't you tell me
that they didn't know?
Okay. Can we just calm down
for a second?
Calm down?
Nine months, Vincenzo.
Okay, not to mention
she's not Italian, okay?
She doesn't want children.
Oh, she's been married,
divorced.
Oh, and the cherry on top
of tutta questa merda,
is that she's an atheist.
Her only redeeming quality
is that she's an orphan.
All right, I get it,
for Christ's sake.
I mean, it would be one thing
if she was,
you know, Jewish or Hindu
or a Muslim or
or whatever the Travolta is,
to not believe in anything.
What kind of a person doesn't
believe in heaven or hell or--
God, Lily, I'm sorry, okay?
This is all my fault.
All right, my mom has these
crazy Italian standards
and she's chased away
all my old girlfriends.
-Oh, all your old girlfriends.
-Look, can we just--
Eat dinner already?
Come on. For Nico's sake,
let's let it be
and give her a chance.
Oh, please, you just
wanna eat the meatballs
-before they get cold.
-Yeah, that too.
But let's, the two of us,
let's be civil just for a night.
Yes, civil...
Civil, I can be civil.
So, um, what do you think
of Lily?
Lovely girl.
How long did you say
you were seeing her?
I don't know.
I don't remember exactly.
Oh, you don't remember?
What kind of an answer is that?
What, days, weeks, months?
Basta. Unbelievable.
You're just like your father.
-Hmm.
-"Hmm"? What's hmm? What?
Too much basil?
Too much oregano? Too spicy?
-It's good.
-It's good, but it's not great.
What, what does it need?
It's great, Mama.
Don't patronize me.
All right.
Oh, no, these are stale.
The lady fingers are not stale.
My tiramisu is perfect.
You put Marsala wine in that?
What do you think,
Mr. Know It All?
You're never too old to learn--
You never too old for me to give
you a swift kick in the a*s.
-Out. Out of my kitchen.
-Okay. All right.
Okay. Love you, Mama.
Bucatini and pollo parmigiana,
and the star of the show,
my Nonna's meatballs.
Si mangia!
Wow, Mama, this is, uh--
This is amazing.
I can see where you get
your love of cooking from.
And look what he does with it.
Wastes his genetic talents
at some grease trap
that serves food,
I'm insulted
they call "Italian."
Well, it helps pay
the student loans.
The eggplant
looks absolutely delicious.
Mm! What about the meatballs?
Oh, I don't eat meat.
You don't?
No.
What are you?
Some kind of vegetarian, vegan?
No, no, I just, uh--
I don't know,
I just don't like it.
You don't like it?
What kind of a stupid answer
is that?
Who doesn't like meat?
It's like saying
I don't like rainbows
or Frank Sinatra.
-Angela.
-Mama, per favore,
just, you know, calm down.
I mean, you bring a girl over
that you've been seeing
behind our back,
who is not Italian,
not religious,
who wants me to die
without grandchildren.
And now she insults my cooking.
Okay, Mrs. Vitali,
I didn't say anything like that.
And I really don't appreciate--
Don't, Mrs. Vitali me,
you streaky broom-haired hussy.
-You said you liked my hair.
-Well, I was trying to be civil.
Let's just say that if things
don't change around here,
you'll be sleeping
with the fishes.
Oh, Mama, come on.
Again, with the mafioso threats?
-Again?
-She's saying it to scare you.
It's not true.
My Papa's ex boss's
younger cousin Alfredo,
has ties with the mafia.
I mean, you said it yourself,
what good is a starving artist
and a slob for my son?
-This slob loves your son.
-Oh, so you love him now?
Has he told you
that he loves you?
Okay, we got that
out in the open.
Well, since we're opening up--
The food's getting cold,
let's eat.
Let's say grace first.
- Lily's not--
- Baby, it's fine.
Everybody at this table
says grace or no one eats.
- Amen? Amen.
- No, no. Just, no. It's--
He'll never marry you.
Okay, you know, that's it.
That's it.
Look, Nico,
I'm gonna be in the car.
Thank you so, so much
for the food and the drinks
and the super colorful
conversation about the...
fishes or whatever.
Uh--
But I know when I'm not wanted.
-Goodnight, everybody.
-Bye-Bye.
Hm.
-Why are you like this?
-Like what?
Mean.
-Well, I don't like her.
-I like Lucy.
Lily, Dad. Lily.
I can see why you kept her
hidden from us for nine months.
Yeah, exactly.
And by the way, she's the one
who wanted to meet you guys.
And I kept putting it off,
putting it off
because I knew that something
like this would happen.
It's not my fault if she thinks
-she's in love with you.
-She is in love with me.
I'm in love with her.
You know that she's divorced,
right?
Yeah, and I love her anyway.
Have you told her
that you love her?
Dad, please.
This is between mom and me.
-What are you even doing here?
-What?
You're no help to anyone.
Don't you dare talk to
your father like that.
You know what?
I'm done. I'm done.
Okay? That's it.
And for the record,
your meatballs aren't as good
as they usually are.
'Cause there wasn't any veal.
Hey. Heh.
-Hey.
-So I guess the dinner
with Nico's girlfriend
didn't go so well.
-What makes you think that?
-Uh, we could hear it.
-Oh.
-Most of it.
-Oh, hey, Vincenzo.
-Hey.
You look wiped out.
No, no. I mean,
you know, long day.
-Goodnight, Murray.
-Goodnight.
Vincenzo!
Night.
Well, that was a train wreck.
God, I know.
Like, this has gotta stop.
-My mom is impossible.
-It's not about your mom.
I'm not gonna let her get to me.
Well, what's it about?
I don't know. Me, you, us?
What?
I know the reason
you didn't tell them about us
is because you were worried that
they were gonna scare me off
like all your other girlfriends.
But I'm not scared that easily.
I know you're not.
But it's not about that,
all right?
You know, look,
I don't need their--
Her. Her approval.
But I'm their only son.
I've always been there for them,
and that's not gonna change.
So you're worried that
she's gonna hate me
if we stay together,
but she'll never forgive you
for not leaving me?
- Is that--?
- Look, okay, no.
It's about commitment.
I choose to be committed to you.
And I have to be
committed to them.
And at some point,
I'm gonna have to--
I can't keep those two things
separate forever.
Look, I'm really happy
that you're committed.
-Yes.
-Let's just face it,
your mom wants me to disappear.
And even if she did
warm up to me--
-She will.
-Okay, even if she did,
she's still gonna want
a huge wedding
and ten grandkids.
And I'm not gonna let her
bully me
into changing or rushing things.
I'm not doing that.
Okay. You know what, actually,
speaking of rushing things.
-Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.
-No, no, no.
If things had gone well tonight,
I was gonna do this,
like, as a joke.
Seriously?
You're asking me
to move in with you again?
Okay, I can see that you're
more mad now than before.
And you thought I was
gonna ask you to marry me.
After all this talk
about commitment.
-Okay, but this is commitment
-Yes, but it's not--
But you love my place.
Why don't you just--
Come on, take the key.
No, no, no, Nico,
I just want us to be happy.
I am happy. We're happy.
What? You're not happy?
Okay. Happy.
Great. Look me in the eyes
and say that you love me.
-Say, "I love you."
-Oh, come on.
I love you.
-That's it, you know?
-Okay. All right. All right.
It's not a blinking contest.
Okay, I can't just do it
on the spot.
You know, you know
how I feel about you.
-Then say it.
-I can't-- I can't just say it.
It has to mean something.
It has to be something special.
It has to mean something.
Actions speak louder than words.
Maybe that's your love language,
-but it's not mine.
-What does that mean?
You know what? I'm really tired
and it's getting late,
and I think I should
just go upstairs now.
-Okay.
-Well, come on.
Do you wanna spend the night
with me?
No. Maybe tomorrow.
Uff. Talk about
the rough first impression.
You don't know the half of it.
-Was she really as bad as--
-Yes, she was.
And no, I don't regret
anything I said.
So did they try
to smooth it over at all?
No. If anything, it got worse.
In fact, everything got worse.
I knew when I woke up
that morning,
it was gonna be
one of those days.
Mm!
-Vincenzo?
-What?
Vincenzo, when was the last time
you washed this blanket?
I did the laundry two days ago.
That's not an answer.
Okay. So I forgot the blanket.
Deficiente!
-Good morning!
-Morning!
Hm.
I found this bra
in the laundry room.
It doesn't belong to me.
How am I supposed to know?
Well, it ended up
in this house somehow.
Really? Maybe it's yours.
Does this look like any piece
of clothing I've ever owned?
Hmm...
-I remember back in '86.
-I'm calling the police.
No, wait. Don't, no,
don't call the police. Why?
Well, because somebody could
have broken into this house
and left this as a warning.
Well, I think I saw that
on Columbo.
I don't see you coming up
with an explanation.
-Maybe it's Lily's.
-What?
Yeah, Lily. Huh?
That's her name, right?
Yes, yes,
but what are you saying?
Last night at dinner,
she and Nico snuck out
into the living room
and maybe they...
Oh f*ck.
Exactly.
That, that-- Aargh!
Puttana!
What kind of hussy does that
right before dinner?
What has she done to my son
that he would even consider
doing something like that?
That is not the way
I raised him, let me tell you.
Although I'm sure there's a
little bit of his father in him
that would stoop so low.
But even Vincenzo would never,
not in my house.
-Angela, do you think we could--
-You know, I wake up this
morning and I thought,
she's so rudely walked out of
my dinner taking Nico with her.
You don't know anything
to stop her, right?
But I still felt that I should
do what's best for my son.
Honestly, how am I
supposed to react
when something like this
happens?
Ah, do you think we could maybe
continue this conversation
when you don't have the scissors
-that close to my face?
-Oh, no, I'm being careful.
-Okay.
-And on top of it all,
you would think if you did
something
so disgusting like that,
you'd be careful not to leave
sleazy articles
-of clothing behind.
-Okay, well,
I think she was probably
in a rush, Angela.
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
I'm getting a call.
Hello?
- Min, are you there?
- Uh-huh.
Listen, another job
came up last minute.
I'll let you know when I'm done.
I have to go to another event.
Oh, okay, I thought we were
gonna do dinner and a movie.
Uh... We'll order takeout
and rent something On Demand.
I just wanted to let you know
before I forget.
Okay. I love you.
Love you too.
Hey, our mom says she wants
you to do the balloon animals
before we cut the cake.
That's what I'm here for.
And how are you doing,
Mr. Man of the Year?
You know I'm too old to have
a clown at my birthday party.
Do you know I'm too old to be
a clown at your birthday party?
So let's get on with it
and grab some cake.
Um-- So, what are you gonna do?
Oh, for one thing, if I ever
see that stronza again,
I'm gonna rip her--
That's her.
Wait, wait. What about my hair?
I'll finish it tomorrow.
I'm gonna go through
the back door.
Hey, that's a ball.
-She's back.
-Who? The Mormon?
Lily, Nico too.
Get the bra.
It's in the garbage.
- Why?
- Just do it.
-Ciao, Mama.
-Back so soon.
-I forgot something.
-Oh. Did you now?
I forgot to give you back your
dress or your mother's dress.
Are you sure it's the same
dress? What did you do to it?
I washed it. I thought
it was the least I could do.
Oh, honey,
let's not go down the road
of the least you could be doing.
Okay, Mom, I can see
that you're back on one,
-so we're gonna get going.
-What happened to your dress?
-I kind of fell in the bushes.
-Again?
Fine. Here. Take it.
Just keep the dress.
Okay, wait, hold on
just a second now--
Oh, no, Lily, this is a trap.
- Vincenzo.
- No.
-Yep.
-Vincenzo, where is it?
I'm getting it.
You know what you did,
both of you.
Okay, Mrs. Vitali,
I am really sorry
that you don't like me,
and that I don't live up
to your expectations,
but that's not gonna
change anything.
You wanna punish me?
Is that it?
I need to live my life.
I need to love who I love,
for Christ's sake.
The Nico I raised would never
take the Lord's name like that.
-Gesu Cristo!
-Now you're just being
a hypocrite.
It doesn't count.
I said it in Italian.
It doesn't count? I think
it should count for double.
I'll make up for it
in confession.
Not that I would ever
see her there.
What does Lily
have to do with any of this?
Could we please not talk
about me like I'm not
in the room?
Just take your bra and go.
Vincenzo!
-Wait, wait.
-Bra?
-My bra?
Yeah, the bra you left
in this house.
Okay, why the hell would I
leave my bra in your house?
Because you can't keep it
in your pants. That's why.
-Oh my!
-Mom, what?
Okay, I honestly have no idea
-what you're accusing me of.
-It's not mine.
Slow down. Why do you think
that this bra is Lily's?
Vincenzo said--
Vincenzo said--
Here it is.
Oh, my God.
-What?
-Who is she?
-Who? Who's who?
-The owner of that.
Well, I, you know,
I thought that it was--
No, no, I've never seen that
before in my life.
Oh, Dad,
how could you do this?
How could he? I'll tell you how,
because he's a man.
The man I married--
Man stupid enough to think
he could get away with it
in my own house.
I don't know what
you are talking about.
Don't play dumb with me.
Who is she?
Amore.
Amore, no.
Who is she?
Ow!
I-- Well--
All right, all right.
You want me to tell you
who she is?
You want me to be tell you
who I'm messing around with?
Okay, I'm gonna tell you,
'cause I don't care
what she tells you.
Is it someone I know?
Is it Carla, Claudia,
Francescana, Loridana, Skarina.
Oh, Isabella?
Those are all the ladies
that go to our church.
It's not my mother.
It's not a cashier who checks us
out of the supermarket.
She's too young.
But don't think I haven't
seen you checking her out.
It's not Min.
She'd never do that to me.
It is not her fault, okay?
-Dad, Jesus Christ.
-Who's Min?
-Who's Min?
-It's the neighbor.
-Come on, Angela.
-Dad, leave her alone.
Hey, Angela.
- Hey, Dad.
- Talk to me.
I know my wife
and this is not like her.
Yeah, what'd you expect?
Hey, you know what?
I'm sick of being--
- Yeah, you are sick!
- I'm sick.
I had a heart attack.
My God.
It's not what I expected
to hear from my physical.
When?
Last week.
They told me
it happened in my sleep.
-That's a mistake.
-It's not.
I thought I was tired
and short of breath sometimes
because I was getting older.
-I had no idea.
-Why didn't you tell us sooner?
How do you tell the people
that you love
that you hear the clock
ticking faster now?
You listen to me,
Angelina Maria Vitali,
you and I both know
you're not going anywhere.
I don't know anything anymore.
Hey...
Oh, my God.
Angelina, I'm so sorry.
It's fine. I'm okay.
I'll be okay.
It was a shock to all of us.
You know.
Uh...
I mean, um, I don't even
wanna talk about it.
Cheating is right up there
with the stealing--
Yeah, I know,
but I didn't cheat.
Uh-- Hm.
I fooled around a little.
I know
that doesn't make it better.
But what do you want me to do?
I--
I wish I could take it back,
but I can't.
Especially after finding out
about Angela.
Well, still it's one thing
to cheat, and it's another thing
to literally covet
the neighbor's wife.
-You don't say.
-What did you do?
I went over the next day
and I did what I said I'd do.
I cut her hair.
Oh, and in the end,
he does help her to get
her business off the ground.
And she gets pregnant.
And well, they meet
at the top of the Clock tower
and she shows him
the pregnancy test,
and they fall into each
other's arms and they kiss.
Oh, I loved it.
Of course, Murray
couldn't understand why anyone
would wanna spend 20 bucks
to rent it.
It sounds like a good movie.
-Is there something wrong?
-Hm?
-No, no, I'm fine.
-Okay.
Oh, how did it go with
Nico's girlfriend yesterday?
Well, where to begin?
For one thing, it turns out
the bra's not hers.
It's not?
It's a mystery. I know.
It's a bit of relief, honestly,
knowing my son's girlfriend
doesn't wear
something so pink and tacky.
Pink? Oh, you didn't mention
that it was pink.
I didn't?
Oh, I must have forgotten.
That's a good thing
I remembered.
Hey there, ladies. What gives?
I thought yesterday
was hair day.
Had to reschedule.
Just coming from a party,
Murray?
No, I'm about to head out.
Grabbin' a drink for the road.
I'll be home late again,
honey, okay?
Yeah, these parties
always go late, don't they?
You bet.
Oh, and Angela,
I was talking
to Vincenzo this morning.
Vincenzo? Vincenzo who?
Um, Vincenzo, your husband.
Oh, right, that louse. And?
He told me
about your heart attack
and about what the doctor said.
What's wrong with your heart?
Oh, nothing.
It was a long time ago.
I didn't wanna worry anyone.
I was just trying to keep it
a secret.
Unfortunately, Vincenzo
is terrible at keeping secrets.
Well, I just wanted to say
how sorry that I am
that you got dealt such
a bad hand like that.
Well, thank you, Murray.
Did Vincenzo happen
to mention anything else?
No. Why? Anything else
I should be worried about?
Not at the moment.
Well, so long.
So, Angela, why didn't you
tell me about your heart?
Oh. Um...
You know, like I said,
I just didn't wanna bother you.
It's fine if I keep a secret
from you, isn't it?
Yeah. No, no, sure, it's fine.
I just-- Well,
what did the doctor say?
-Inoperable heart failure.
-What?
Nico. Come on. Get in the car.
I have to go to work.
I called them for you already.
I told them
you have a family emergency.
Mom put you up to this?
Your mother is not talking
to me now.
Come on. Are you gonna
get in the car or ain't ya?
Where are we going?
Where nobody knows your name.
Okay. All right.
Isn't this a little bit--
-I don't know, like fatalistic?
-No.
Like, they're trying
to make peace before mom is--
No, it's not that bleak. And
this isn't about making peace
or-or saying goodbye, no.
Your mother's not going
anywhere anytime soon, okay?
But if we can
take the shock of this
and use it as an excuse
for them to find closure,
it's important
that happens right now.
Yeah.
'Cause pretty soon,
your mom's gonna need
the whole family behind her.
Yeah.
-Everyone.
-Yeah.
Look at me. Look at me.
Everyone, okay?
I still don't wanna do this.
Yeah, well,
I'm not doing it alone.
I--
You--
We--
Kids these days.
They don't watch
where they're going.
-Oh, Lucia.
-Oh, my God. Call the cops.
-Nico, say hi to your Nonna.
-Oh, lock him up.
I run over him. Good.
Okay.
Nonna, you wanna watch TV?
I am. Stai zitto.
Okay, because the TV's
not even on.
Okay, Lucia, Lucia,
I'm not in the mood.
What's he doing here?
What do you mean
what am I doing?
-She's my mother.
-Yeah, but you can't stand her.
She lost her feet, not her ears.
Uncle Sal, thought you were out
of town getting your tooth done.
Yeah, it's still in the lab.
Yeah? You're gonna need
another one--
- I ain't going nowhere.
- You better go somewhere.
How is your stupider sister?
She's not stupid, Ma.
Okay. All right. All right.
-Enough with the--
-Lasciami stare.
Your daughter's sick.
It's her heart.
And it's serious.
-What? Where? When?
-She just told us. Uh--
It's her heart valve.
I don't know much else.
Why didn't she tell me?
She was probably
planning on it.
Nobody knew
you were gonna be here.
Look, Nonna, you need
to see her again.
Right, the whole family
has to be behind her right now.
Only if she says she's sorry.
If you wait for an apology,
there might not be a goodbye.
How about we go over there
for dinner?
I hate her meatballs.
-I'll have her make pot roast.
-There you go.
-I'll pick you up Saturday.
-No, it's my bowling night.
I'm a better bowler
than all of you.
Your bowling days are over,
Lucia.
Come see Angela.
Bury the hatchets.
-See you, Sal.
-See you.
Merone.
-Bye, honey.
-Bye.
Oh...!
Okay, good, so you think
that Lucia is gonna come?
Yeah. Yeah. Look, Nonna Lucia
is a, uh, tough character,
but Uncle Sal can convince her
better than we can.
Yeah, finally,
he's good for something,
that good for nothing
piece of sh*t--
Yeah, I know. I know.
Look who's talking?
Yeah. You're in deep sh*t.
Look, I can't think of a day
when your mother hasn't told me
what to do and how to do it.
The day I was gonna propose,
right,
she gets into the car, it--
No, no, it wasn't a car,
it was an ice cream truck--
Dad, Dad, come on,
get on with it.
Before I could put the car
in gear, right?
She looks at me and she says:
"You look jaundiced in yellow
and you need a haircut."
We drive around. I finally park.
And as soon as I pull out
the ring, I hear a siren.
And then this Mameluke
police officer
with the unibrow
was banging on the window.
He gives me a ticket
for parking in the red.
Right?
That kills the proposal.
And then your mom...
...on the way home, she says,
if I don't marry her and buy her
the ring she deserves,
-she gonna go out with--
-Mario Tucci.
With the long pinky nail.
He always wore a gangster suit.
His family was mafioso.
So, what do I do?
I exchanged the ring
for a bigger one on sale.
And I propose...
...wearing your mother's
favorite pink shirt
that she bought me
for my birthday.
Yeah, I know the shirt.
I am in deep sh*t.
Vincenzo?
Yep, up to my neck in deep sh*t.
Mom.
How did you know I was here?
Little help from my friend here.
- Hey, you got the app?
- There's an app?
There's always an app.
Nico.
Oh, don't tell me.
-Hey. Hi. Hi.
-What is she doing here?
Sorry, I didn't know that
your parents were home or here.
Do you have the app too?
No, uh...
she lives down the hall.
She-- Wait, what?
Wait, she live--
you two don't live together.
She lives across the hall.
-It's complicated. Yeah.
-It's complicated.
Okay, great, I'm glad
we got that sorted out.
Now, where were we?
-I want a divorce.
-Right, that's where--
Look, Mom, you're exhausted,
you're emotional.
Just, we all are.
- I've been thinking
about it all day, and I think
we need to live separately.
I would rather spend
a thousand nights on the couch.
Oh, how chivalrous.
Sir Vincenzo Bastardi
Kingdom of b*stards.
Okay, I think you guys should
just go home, take some time--
I'll go home
when she goes home.
-What?
-No, you heard me,
-back down the hall.
-I'm sorry.
-What the hell did I do?
-Nothing.
I still don't like you.
You're not right for my son.
Okay, I'm not going anywhere.
I'm not.
I'm here to support Nico
with what he's going through
right now.
What's he going through?
I'm the one who's sick.
Angelina, you go home.
I will take care of all this.
I will make sure she leaves.
-Dad.
-Oh, my God.
If you think taking my side
is going to butter me up,
you've never been more wrong
in your life.
Mom. Mom.
- I don't need this.
- Mom, come on.
You know, I-I'm really sorry
that she's sick,
I really am, but we can
no longer ignore the fact
that your mother
cannot stand me.
No, no, no, look,
it's not like that, okay?
-She just loves me too much.
-Hm! Amen to that.
-Okay, if that's love--
-I don't wanna talk about this.
Right? I don't wanna talk
about any of it.
You'd never wanna talk
about anything ever.
Oh, my lips are moving, right?
Baby, please do not
shut me out right now.
I know that you need someone.
I don't need you right now,
okay?
I don't need anybody
right now for anything.
Look, you shouldn't
have been there
when my mom told us
that she was sick, okay?
And you shouldn't
have to be here
for my family's
ridiculous drama.
I don't need
a shoulder to cry on.
And I don't need you
squeezing me so hard
that I can't breathe.
Oh...
Oh, okay, so you can't
breathe because of me?
So I suffocate you, is that--?
Lily, come on.
Okay, great.
Well, you don't have to worry.
Um...
You can breathe now.
Lily. Li--
Hey, did she just
break up with you?
Uh, no, no,
she just needs some space.
Oh, so that wasn't a breakup?
She's gonna take a break,
I think.
-Huh.
-Yeah.
-Whew. Women.
-Yeah.
Can't live with them.
Oh, go get
the fire extinguisher!
No. Get it.
Help! Help! Help!
-What on earth did you do?
-Mr. Wilson, get back inside.
-Keep your fire out of my yard.
-We're trying.
You Vitalis do
anything like this again--
Get back inside. Out, out.
You crazy Italians!
Whew!
I got it.
Those are my succulents.
It's all your fault.
Cazzo.
Why would you do it?
I was so angry he took something
sacred from me, my trust.
And I wanted to take
something from him.
So you burned your own garden.
Well, it was supposed to be
a controlled blaze,
to teach him a lesson.
Just wanted to get rid
of his damn succulents.
He kept telling
they needed water
and he hasn't picked up
a hose in years.
She told you that?
That's not true.
Like the next morning...
Oh.
Okay, how's it going out here?
All they had on sale were
succulents. You should be happy.
Yeah, I'm not gonna lie,
I'm happy.
Oh, yes, so now
you decide not to lie.
Okay, nope, nope.
Okay, that's it.
You gotta go inside.
Okay, come on.
I will plant these.
No, you do it wrong.
-No, you can fix it tomorrow.
-Come on. You're going inside.
-I'm okay. I'm okay.
No, you're going inside.
-Hey.
-Hi.
-What's with the, uh--?
-Murray's...
-Come in.
-Tried to fix it
after what Angelina did
to my hair,
and let's just say
it's not pretty.
-So I guess you know that--
-That she knows. How much?
Eh... Pink bra. You and me.
Look, I have to apologize
to you for all of this.
I'm not the one
you should be apologizing to.
We were alone together.
I mean, not "together,"
together.
I mean,
not that that's any excuse.
I mean, intimacy is...
and the first time was
around nine months ago.
I'm sorry.
It's funny how no one in
this house can't keep anything
from me longer than nine months.
Go on.
It was at our 4th of July
barbecue.
And, um, I don't know,
Murray was never home.
He was probably seeing someone
for longer
than I could even imagine.
And I...
I don't know what came over me.
I...
I was lonely and I was angry.
And I had had
a few too many drinks and--
And we kissed.
I knew immediately
that it was wrong.
And I just, I pretended
it never happened,
which I tried
to put it behind me, but...
Oh, God,
last week I went to him.
And I just need--
I needed someone
to be there for me.
The minute we realized what
we were doing, we pulled apart.
And I swear to God,
I swear on my life,
nothing else happened.
I suddenly realized everything.
And I-- I started crying
and I ran home.
You're not angry at me?
Oh, I'm furious.
It could have been worse.
You don't have to forgive me
until you want to.
I won't.
At least you owned up
to everything.
That is everything, right?
Um...
Does that mean
you'll fix my hair?
As long as you fix my nails.
Okay.
I can see why you do nothing
all day. It's peaceful.
I made you an espresso.
No, you don't make it
the way I like it.
Yes. Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Don't think I don't know
what you're doing.
When you're this nice,
it makes me uncomfortable.
Well, you are stuck with me,
amore.
So in the meantime, right?
I had an idea.
I got on the Google
and I looked up "bucket list."
Oh yeah. That's great. As if
I'm not busy enough already.
Hey, this heart thing,
okay, it's a sign.
It's a wake-up call.
We don't have forever.
So let's see where this goes.
Well, I always wanted
to ride a Vespa.
Okay, we'll buy one. Rent.
I'll find a coupon.
Uh, okay, what about
taking up a new hobby?
-Like what?
-Painting.
-Oh, no, I'm awful at it.
-Hm. Creative free writing.
What hippie wrote this article?
Horseback riding.
Oh, I wanna sing.
Not in the shower,
but in front of people.
It's perfect.
I wanna sleep under the stars.
Okay, good.
We'll do it together.
You need to see your mother?
Are you nuts?
Okay. It's about closure.
No, we don't need closure.
We need a restraining order.
That woman is pure evil.
Plain and simple.
She locked you in your bedroom
to finish your homework
-when you were in third grade.
-When we started dating,
she threatened to give you
third degree burns
-at the dinner table.
-See?
Two of you are more alike
than you think.
That's completely different.
If you ever compare me
to my mother again,
I will haunt you after I die.
Hey.
Next.
I want Nico
to find another girl.
-How'd you know they broke up?
-What? They broke up?
They broke-- I was there. Nico
said they're just taken a break,
but you know kids these days.
Even if they're dating or not,
I wanna set him up with Geena.
Crazy Geena? Geena the hyena?
The one with the--
Yes, the one with the laugh,
yes.
She's Catholic. She's Italian.
She's single. She loves my food.
And when he first
brought her over,
she already picked up six names
for their future children.
They were 19. They dated
for a month. She's nuts.
How are we gonna get
Nico and Geena together?
Let's invite her
for dinner on Saturday.
Because it went so well
last time?
No, I'll switch up the menu.
Pot roast, gnocchi, pizza.
Hush.
You have me a pot roast, mmm.
And then came the dinner.
Ay, the dinner.
So this was another dinner?
And if you thought
the first one was bad, ooh...
We wouldn't be here
if it wasn't for that dinner.
So just like last time,
I was almost done
getting everything ready.
Mmm.
I got two words for you,
Mama Mia.
-Mama.
-Nicolino.
You haven't called me that
since I was 7.
I brought some manicotti.
Just what we need, more starch.
Oh, I thought that Dad
told me, I--
I'm kidding, it's perfect.
Viene.
Hi.
Lily, what are you doing here?
I, uh-- I thought
I was invited to dinner.
Well, you're not.
I mean, you weren't.
I was hoping that we could
clear the air.
And believe it or not,
I'm gonna need her here
considering who's coming.
Do you know who's coming?
-Do you know who's coming?
-I'm so sorry.
Can I use your restroom
real quick?
'Cause I kind of hurt my...
Let me guess,
you tripped on the roses?
Not the same bush.
-Fine.
-Okay.
All right.
Nico, kitchen now.
Wow, really weren't kidding
about those carbs.
Let's see where your father is.
I still can't believe you knew
how to download that app.
Why, because I'm old?
Thanks to this,
I know where he goes
to the bathroom.
Look, it says he's home.
- Home.
- Wow. It's accurate.
What's, uh--
What's going on in here?
First, tell me
where you've been.
Second, why'd you tell me
Nico and Lily broke up?
Okay, well, first,
I was out.
And second, I was there,
I saw the whole thing.
I said that we took a break.
We didn't break up.
How am I supposed
to know the difference?
Well, any case, she's here now.
She is?
-I got it.
-No, stay. Nico gets it.
You stay here and tell me
what the hell
you've been up to this time.
-Nonna--
-Hey, Nic.
Oh, long time no see.
Geena, what are you doing here?
Oh, your mom invited me.
She didn't tell you?
I know it's funny
just before she called,
I was thinking about
that one Halloween
we drove around all night
and then we had sex
in the back of your car.
And then when your dad
found us in the driveway,
we had to hide in the trunk
naked.
Do you remember that?
No.
Oh, right,
that was a dream I had.
Still a night
I will never forget though.
-You're looking good, Nico.
-Mom!
Can you believe this,
after all these years,
I bumped into Geena
at the market? Mwah! Mwah!
That's great 'cause she told me
that you called her.
Oh. Well... Uh--
Geena, come in.
Make yourself at home.
-Welcome.
-Thank you so much, Mrs. Vitali.
And should I call you Angelina,
Angela or Angie?
-Mrs. Vitali is fine.
-Okay, Angie.
And I was so surprised
when you called
to invite me to dinner,
after what?
A decade?
I thought it would be nice
for Nico
to spend time
with an old friend.
Oh, hello. Who are you?
I'm Lily. Who are you?
I'm Geena, Nico's girlfriend.
Oh, I'm sorry. Freudian slip.
I meant to say
his ex-girlfriend.
You're here why?
For dinner. Angie invited me.
She did?
She did.
This couldn't be
any more of a disaster.
Hey!
Rimbambita.
You are home.
-Lucia, what a surprise.
-Surprise?
You are the one
who took us up here.
- You're an idiot.
- Mama, that's not
what Vincenzo wanted us
to say to Angelina.
I don't care what Vincenzo
wants to say.
You moved the furniture around.
I don't like it.
Nonna Lucia.
-Hi, how are you?
-Hi.
Who are they?
Oh. This is my ex-girlfriend.
And this is my current
girlfriend, Lily.
Oh, I take it back.
Tonight is gonna be
a fun night.
-How could you do this?
-I did it for you.
Ooh, something smells
good in here.
Look, we'll have dinner
then I wheel mom right into
the closet after dessert, okay?
- You promise?
- Yeah.
I'm sorry about your heart, sis.
What you gotta do
to get some food in this house?
That's how I ended up
meeting my last boyfriend,
which he ended up
cheating on me too.
And I will tell you, nothing
will ruin a relationship more
than doing the nasty
on the side.
This gnocchi al pesto
is to die for.
Yeah, and Nico did an
amazing job with his manicotti.
Yeah, it's delicious, Nico.
I taught him
everything he knows.
I hope not.
This pot roast taste like sh*t.
-It was your recipe.
-It's giving me agita.
- Mom!
- What?
I have-- Please--
My mom, she has
a great recipe for pot roast.
Really, I don't remember your
mother ever cooking actually.
-My God.
-Yeah. No, she doesn't.
But she collects
the recipe cards
from her nursing home.
Oh, I'd never live
in one of those.
Mom, you've been living
in a nursing home
for the past 10 years.
-It's a retirement home.
-Okay.
Wait. Really? In your condition?
In my condition?
What do you mean?
My feet? Who needs them?
I take very good care of myself.
- You do.
- Hey, Nico,
I'm so glad
you dumped this one,
because she is... cucu.
No, I'm actually his current
girlfriend, so...
Oh! That reminds me,
did Angie try to threaten you
with that whole mafioso shtick?
Yes, Uncle Sal, she sure did.
Oh, usually works every time.
Also, he didn't get rid of me.
I dumped him.
-What?
-Mm-hm.
Yeah, no, I just felt like
we weren't really working.
We're different people now,
aren't we?
Uh-- Yeah. Yeah.
I guess kind of.
You never come to see me.
You told me I was dead to you.
I said the same thing to your
father but he came to see me.
I know he's dead,
but he came in my dreams.
Oh, my gosh, that is so sweet.
It's like soulmates.
Do you believe
in that sort of thing, Lily?
Soulmates? Great beyond?
Well, I, uh... I-- I--
The last time that I talked
about my beliefs at this table,
it didn't really end very well.
So why don't we talk about...
I don't know, literally
anything else? Politics?
No.
-The weather, sports?
-Yeah, sports.
How about them Dodgers, huh?
I changed my mind.
Let's talk about politics.
You just spit in my face.
Do that again. Do it again.
Aah!
Hey, hey, Mama, jeez.
Nonna is old. She's crazy.
I once saw her watching TV
when it was turned off.
You and your father never
should have brought her here.
You're right. She's awful.
But you shouldn't have
invited Geena.
You are right. She's obnoxious.
But listen,
being Italian matters.
Going to church matters.
No, what matters
is who I wanna spend
-the rest of my life with.
-E dai.
Now you're talking about
spending the rest of your life,
you two were broken up
two days ago.
Just, we were taking some space.
I know this might not sound
normal to you,
but when we have a problem,
we look for a solution,
you know, instead of just
yelling until the wall shake.
I need a solution to try
to get them out of my house.
Yeah. Hm. Geena, Nonna.
Vincenzo, Lily, take your pick.
Mom, hey.
That kills it!
You come into my home,
you disrespect my team,
and you have the audacity to say
the patron saint of baseball...
Joe DiMaggio was overrated.
He was married to Marilyn
Monroe, for God's sakes.
Do you want know
a real baseball legend?
-Jackie Robinson.
-There you go!
You not compare
a second baseman and a hitter.
-Come at me again!
-No, Joe.
Joe has him beat
ba*ls and strikes 1500 RBI.
Nobody cares
about your damn ba*ls!
Oh my god. There are
so many other ways
you could have phrased that.
Now, sit, the both of you.
-Okay, Ms. Hypocrite.
-Excuse me.
Well, you can't really say,
my God,
when you don't actually
have one.
I mean, Angie told me.
Okay, what is it
with you people?
I mean, what does it matter
who I believe in,
what I believe in,
or what I don't believe in?
You people? You realize
that's religious prosecution.
-Oh, my God.
-It's persecution.
-See, Nico even agrees with me.
-No, no, I don't.
Ladies, just please--
-Really?
-For a decade.
We have five times the
championships than you ever had.
Hey, hey, everyone cool it.
Angelina, bring me some popcorn.
You are making up stories.
I'm right, you know it.
Silenzio! All of you.
Vincenzo! Vincenzo, let me in!
Oh, sh*t.
She told him. Tonight?
No, she didn't tell him
she was going to tell him.
Vincenzo! Vincenzo,
open up, you b*stard!
Is somebody gonna answer
the door or we're just not--
Should I go get it?
Oh, my God.
Nobody told me you could hire
a clown to a dinner party.
Did you just break
the lock on my door?
-Did you just do that?
-Did you sleep with my wife?
You son of a b*tch.
Hey, hey, you heard him,
all right? Get out.
-Oh, my God.
-Nico.
Get out. Get out!
Mom, are you okay?
Mama.
- Did she faint?
- Dad.
- Uncle Sal, call 911.
- I got it.
- Oh, my God.
- Mama.
Good morning, Angelina.
How are you feeling today?
Much better.
Well, you should feel
very lucky.
Oh, is that what got me here?
Luck?
I'm serious, your test results
are continuing to improve.
Oh, so she'll be able
to come home today, right, doc?
We'll see.
I, um,
hope I'm not interrupting.
It's all right. She's with me.
I never had a patient
get a manicure
while we discuss
their prognosis.
Well, it's a nail emergency
and we are in an emergency room,
so just pretend
like I'm not here.
Okay.
We could talk about this later.
But we do need to move forward
on the surgery.
Now that you are more stable,
we should schedule it soon.
Thank you, Dr. Gable.
Okay.
Oh, my God, that dinner
must've been awful for you.
Believe me, it was.
So I tried to break it
gently to Murray, but--
All I'm asking is you fix
my nail and he fixes my door.
Well, since we're not talking,
you'll have to ask him
before he leaves, which, um...
Yep, he's home.
He's probably still packing.
Um--
I'm sorry. Is now a bad time?
What are you doing here?
Um...
I actually came to see you.
-Me?
-And Nico.
I just wanted
to let you know that, um...
you don't have to worry
about me anymore.
Whoa. What do you mean?
Um...
I really hope you feel better.
Not sure when Uncle Sal's
coming over.
He said he is gonna come visit
your mother tomorrow
at the house.
What happened with Geena?
She texted.
She said that it was a mistake
to come over
and that I'm a mama's boy.
-Oh.
-Yeah.
I, um...
I came to see
if your mom was okay.
Really?
Um...
Well, yeah, she's fine.
I also came to say
that we, um...
we can't keep doing this.
Lily, I'm sorry. Okay.
It's just been really hard
dealing with my mom
and I know I haven't made time
for us.
Nico, there is no us.
There's just you.
And every time I try
to be a part of your life,
you and your family
just push me away.
And when I need to break
from all the crazy sh*t
your family does--
No offense, Vincenzo,
Actually,
a little bit of offense.
None, none taken.
I get reeled back in.
Well, it's not like I have
a say in the matter, right?
It's not just about you.
It's not just about you.
I love us and I wanna know
that you love us
because I love us
with all of our issues
and all of our faults.
But you're just you.
So, you know,
I guess I just have to be me.
Lily, I just...
Hold, hold on, hold on,
hold on a second.
Now, I just wanna be clear that
that was a breakup.
Right?
That wasn't just taking a break.
-That was a breakup.
-Okay.
Okay. I-I think I get it.
Uh... Do you still want me
to help with the play,
- the thing, Little Italy?
- Yeah, sure, why not?
Honestly,
I really don't care anymore.
Okay.
Thanks.
I can't believe your mother
took all the leftovers
while you were having
a heart attack.
She took the best
Tupperware too.
So, what are we gonna do
for dinner?
- Pizza?
- Vito's.
-No, Vito's is closed. Joe's?
-Joe's tastes like cardboard.
And Nico, your restaurant,
still open?
Oh, God. Not that crap.
Nico, why don't you cook
something for us?
What are we doing here?
I thought you were
taking us home.
Over the past 48 hours after
everything that's happened,
all the two of you can do
is talk about food?
-Whoa, we're hungry.
-If this has anything to do
with what happened with Lily--
It's not about Lily, right?
-It's about you.
-Don't use that tone with me.
It's about you. It's about dad.
It's about your heart.
It's about dad's affair.
It's about Nonna.
No, it's about you too.
You know,
don't go blaming everything
on everyone but yourself.
Okay, that's why we're here.
'kay? We're gonna
go into that church.
We're gonna go
into that confessional.
Now, I'm gonna go in first,
but we're gonna work through
this together.
-Bullshit.
-I'll go tomorrow.
Okay. Then you're walking home.
You're gonna have
a heart attack.
Enough! Enough! Enough!
Andiamo adesso!
Okay?
Let's go.
-You're a sh*t.
-You're some animal.
And that's how we got here.
- Huh?
- Huh? That's it. Huh?
I didn't get dragged
out here for "huh."
-Give me a second. I'm thinking.
-Just give me penance.
I mean, I told you everything.
What else you want me to do?
Listen, I wanna help you
and your family.
The best advice I can give you
is to live in the light
of the Lord.
-Oh, c'mon--
-He's going to give you the way.
Okay, come on. Stop preaching.
All right, fine,
I will put it in layman terms.
All three of you
need to look in the mirror.
Learn to commit.
Learn to accept.
Learn to atone.
Commit?
All I do is commit.
I commit to Lily.
I commit to my family.
Thank you, Father.
Accept what? My son's love life?
My illness, my cheating husband?
As if I don't have enough
trouble putting up with it,
now I've got to accept it.
I will ask--
Pray for you.
Atone? I mean,
what more you want from me?
I'm on my hands and knees
for her.
Is not just about atoning,
Vincenzo.
What you did is an extension
of who you are.
Atone for who I am?
I hate to break it to you,
Father, but
you're not talking to the guy
up on the cross here.
There is a little bit of Him
in all of us.
If there's any of that in me,
I'm sure it's dying to get out.
Is there is something else
I can do for you, Vincenzo?
Okay, I can sit here and listen.
That sometimes works too.
Let's do that.
You speak, I listen.
I will be quiet and silent.
I don't know
what you want me to say.
I don't want you
to say anything.
I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to God.
I don't know what He wants me
to say to you.
I know what you mean.
I asked for guidance and
the best Father Joe can say is:
"Figure it out for yourself."
Mm, tell me about it.
Right.
Was there ever a world in which
you would've approved
of Lily and me?
Nope.
But I know
that wouldn't have stopped you.
And when I finally realized
that she was my only shot
at having grandkids,
I would've come around
with time
and patience and Prosecco.
Shhhhhh. It's okay. It's okay.
We all mess up.
I love her, Mom.
I know.
I love her, and I lost her.
I know.
I know, I have no right
to be crying, right?
I'm sorry.
You are the brave one.
Look at your life, right?
It's, uh...
Well...
It's a fiasco.
-Yeah.
-Call it what it is, yeah.
But you have to stop
beating yourself up.
You go above and beyond
for your father and me.
You always have.
I never want you
to stop living your life.
Yeah.
My Nicolino.
-I love you, Mom.
-I love you.
Thank you, Father Joe.
How was that?
Next time I step foot inside
a church against my will,
it's gonna be for my funeral.
Ai, ai, ai.
Lucia, Angelina's here
to see you.
-Who?
-Angelina. Your daughter?
Doesn't ring a bell.
-Just try to be civil--
-Civil. I got it.
Love you too.
Well, say something.
You here for your Tupperware?
I'm here to clear the air before
one of us dies before the other.
Well, say you're sorry.
For what?
Just say it.
Sorry.
Apology accepted.
Now you can't blame me
if you die
with an unclear conscience.
And what about you?
Don't I get an apology?
I have nothing to apologize for.
What, a lifetime
of belittling me,
a lifetime of making me feel
like I was never good enough
for you.
-Does any of that ring a bell?
-Lower your voice.
If that's it, I'm sorry.
You are?
Why not? Life is too short.
What do you want me to do? Cry?
Oh.
It's raining.
I didn't know it was raining.
I hate the rain. I hate it.
I used to cry when it rained
because I thought God
was crying.
Papa used to sing to me
until it stopped.
He was a lousy husband,
but he was a wonderful father.
-Why didn't you love him?
-I did love him.
-No, you didn't.
-I did.
I loved him.
Is this what you needed?
I'm only asking because my show
is on in a minute.
Did we clear the air?
Whatever this is,
it's all I'm getting.
I think I'm okay with that.
I love you, Mama.
-You do?
-I said I love you.
I know you do.
Hey, is this the Edge Playhouse?
That's right. Can I help you?
Yeah, I'm supposed to be here
for rehearsal.
I'm looking for Lily.
Oh, she's right over here.
Oh. Great. You're here.
Sorry. Here.
Thanks. Thanks for coming.
Hello. Yes.
Okay, so we gotta get the show
on the road, no pun intended,
but some of the other actors
have not gotten off book yet.
So we're just gonna do
a couple of scenes
and then, you know,
you can tell me
what you think
of the performances,
whatever,
and I'll tell the director.
So, yeah,
why don't I watch the scenes
and then I'll talk
to the actors myself.
That's really funny.
Don't do that, please.
But he is a plumber
in a failing marriage
with his high school sweetheart,
who is me.
And we live in an apartment
in Little Italy, so,
you know,
you'll get the rest from--
Okay. Good.
Action!
Over. Yeah, you're over there.
-Right.
-Again, as always.
-So where you been?
-Work.
-Where have you really been?
-None of your damn business.
You were with Francesca again,
weren't you?
I was just fixing the faucet--
No, you know she's my friend.
How could you do this to me?
I don't have to explain myself.
I do what I want when I want.
Capiche?
You know, if you really love me,
you would own up
to what you're doing
and you would stop hurting me.
If I really loved you,
I wouldn't have been with her
in the first place.
So, how are you gonna
make it up to me? Huh?
Don't you get it?
There's... There--
-Line.
-Nothing I can do.
Nothing I can do.
Don't you get it?
There's nothing I can do.
It's over.
You're the only man
I've ever loved.
Ci-ao, bella.
Um...
Okay, so, what did you think?
Oh, it's awful. It's awful.
It's awful.
I mean, how stereotypical
can you get?
This blow hard
Italian-American as*h*le,
unfaithful to his wife.
Not sorry.
What are you doing here?
Calm down. We didn't write it.
I'm sorry. I have to go.
Hey, it's ciao bella,
you cazzo.
-Did I--?
-You said it wrong, yeah.
Did you walk home from work?
Uh...
Yeah, but the bus stop
is not too far from here.
And, you know,
Nico's the one with the car.
-I'm here to make peace.
-Yeah, right.
No, I'm serious.
I'm two for three.
First Nico, then my mother.
Hey, I'm in a hot streak.
Well, I-I appreciate that,
but it's a little bit
too late now.
I want my son to be happy,
and you've made him happier
than anyone.
-I still don't want kids.
-Ever?
Well, I don't know.
Maybe, someday. I don't know.
Okay. I can wait.
I-- I--
-I'm still a divorcee.
-Everyone's doing it these days.
I was ready to do it myself
a couple of days ago.
I still don't believe in God.
It didn't stop Nico
from going to church.
-It won't stop me either.
-I still don't eat meat.
I can use some of that
plant-based meat
everybody seems to like.
When I tried, I spit it out,
but hey, you'll be
the one eating it.
I'm not Italian.
After everything
that's happened,
I'll tell you
what matters to me.
You're good to my Nico.
My son loves you.
And I'm not that blind to see
that you both love each other.
Did you hear all that, Nico?
How could you tell?
I heard you breathing
through the door.
Angela!
How did you know I was here?
Tracking app,
it works both ways.
-It does. Huh?
-Yeah.
I went by the house to look
for you, you weren't there.
I need to talk to you.
Oh, we should--
-Let's go inside.
-We'll go.
-Yeah.
-Inside, okay.
Angelina...
I messed up big time.
I'm sorry how I made you feel,
okay?
I can fix it.
And I know
sorry will never be enough,
but it's a start.
Angelina, I'm sorry.
I love us.
I love everything about us.
All right, I promise I'm
never gonna let you forget that.
And as God is my witness,
I will stand by you forever.
Oh, Vincenzo.
Nico.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today
in the presence of God Almighty
to witness the joining
of this man and this woman
into holy matrimony.
Not to be entered into lightly,
holy matrimony
should be entered into solemnly
and with reverence and honor.
Into this holy agreement
they should become one.
-Mm!
-How long is this going to take?
Keep it quiet, Mama, basta.
-Basta yourself.
-If anyone knows a reason
this couple should not be
in this matrimony,
speak now
or forever hold your peace.
I, uh...
Oh, God.
-Object, object.
-Object.
-Mama.
-Mama, you can't object to us
renewing our vows.
We are already married.
Oh, then what the hell
am I doing here?
Mama.
Vincenzo, do you take Angelina
to be your wife,
to have and to hold
for better or for worse,
for richer and for poorer,
in sickness and in health
until death to do your part?
I do.
Angelina, do you take Vincenzo
to be your husband
to have and to hold
for better and for worse--
For richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
-in good weather and bad--
-'Til death do you part?
I do.
The rings are symbol of your
love and devotion, Vincenzo.
In the name of the Father,
the Son, and the Holy Spirit,
I pronounce you
husband and wife, again.
Now, you may kiss your bride,
Vincenzo.
Is that the birthday shirt
I gave you when we were dating?
Yeah, you know, it's not like
it was-- Yeah, well, yeah,
I mean, it's got
some holes in it,
but I know it's your favorite.
Hey, where's the Prosecco?
First of all, I wanna thank you
all so much for being here
for the opening night
of The Plumber
here at The Edge Playhouse.
Thank you.
But before you all leave,
we are gonna end the night
with a very special performance,
um...
on the bucket list
of our very inspiring guest.
So please give a warm welcome,
round of applause
for Angelina Vitali.
Thank you so much
for sticking around.
My father and I
used to sing this together,
especially during the holidays.
I know you probably
can't wait to get home,
but I'm so grateful
that you're here.
Of course she'd pick this song,
the Drama Queen.
-Mama.
-What?
Please.
Wake up. The kids are coming.
Vincenzo, they're almost here.
Don't forget to get
some eggplant from the garden.
All right, go ahead.
Nonno, Nonno.
Hey, there's my Angela. Whoa!
-She couldn't wait to get here.
-Are the Yankees on?
Eh, no, they're taking a break.
Here, watch some cartoons.
All right, so,
what's on the menu?
We'll find out.
Meatballs, the recipe from me.
Yo! What, you think that
actually makes you Italian?
It's-a me, Mario!
I'm so sorry to offend you.
No offense.
You sound like my old man.
Can I have a look?
Aw, so precious.
It's a Yankee fan.
Her eyes are Angelina's.
It's crazy how much
she looks like her.
Nonna came to see Daddy
last night.
Yeah, I had a dream about Mom.
Please, you sound like Lucia.
Oh, come on. No, I--
She was in the kitchen and I
went to go ask her a question
and she turned around
and right then I woke up
and she was gone.
She's here.
She's always here.
You're telling me.
Three years and I can still
hear her yelling:
"Vincenzo, get your butt
up off the couch!
Vincenzo, answer on the phone!
Voi Culo."
What's a culo?
That's for when you're older.
Watch the cartoons.
I miss her more every day.
I wake up...
and she's not next to me.
Okay. Who wants eggplant?
Eggplant, eggplant.
Yeah. Nico, you gonna
make us eggplant Parmesan?
What?
Do I have to place an order?
Come on, Mr. Restaurateur.
It is a favorite of Angelina's.
Okay, fine. All right,
eggplant it is.
I'm gonna get some eggplant
from the garden.
Nice to see you, Dad.
Okay. Hey.
Oh!
Oh, sorry,
I didn't mean to startle you.
The gate was open.
They delivered your paper,
by mistake.
What happened to
my yard, my paper?
I got a subscription.
By the way,
I notice the succulents
were in the front yard.
Yeah, well,
this is Angela's garden.
I know how you feel.
It might be hard to believe,
some days I miss her too.
-Thank you, Mr. Wilson.
-Call me Raj.
Thanks, Raj.
-We'll see you around.
-Okay.
Mmm!
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Italians, The (2025)
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