01x01 - Birth

[bunniefuu]

Jack proving,

like his father, he's a bit of a tit man.

Oh!

We're also hearing Jack crying,

which is a new feature.

Little Jack,

who I'm delighted with.

I never dreamt that

I'd create something so darling.

And there it is.

Jack, the creation.

Diddle, diddle, diddle.

Booboo.

Oh, look at you Jack!

Wow, it's a new football shirt!

-One challenge!

-Go on!

It's for dearly

I mean, I'm definitely

not ready to have a baby.

I can't even keep a basil plant alive.

I literally cannot be held responsible

for watering a plant

that lives next to my tap.

Like, all I have to do to keep that alive

is just that motion there, like,

once a week, and I can't even do that.

And now I'm responsible for a human being.

It's f*cking mental.

- You're here!

- Hey!

-Hello.

-Hi.

-How are you?

-Very well. Thank you. How are you?

-Jackie.

-Hey, how are you?

Nice to see you.

What's this box?

It's a gift, for you two. It's a pram.

When me and Roxy are off on holiday

and you're looking after the baby for us

-You'll need a pram.

-Dream on!

-We could have a go at this.

-I think we should.

I assume you've not put it together

because it's clearly still in a box.

-Should I get it?

-No, it's fine, I'll do it.

- I would help you

- No.

You're carrying something

far more important.

-See you in a bit.

-Bye.

I've got so many concerns

about becoming a parent.

I also want to look at the world

that I'm bringing a child into.

So I thought I would set out on a quest

to find those answers

and get the old man

out of the freezer as well.

Just a suggestion. Don't get too involved

with the sort of technical stuff.

Right.

The minute you appear

to know what you're doing,

at sorting out how to build the

one of those prams

-They keep asking for more?

-They'll be back for everything.

I'm here to make sure Jack

doesn't get led down a garden path

by these so-called experts.

Because Jack is quite naive.

I'd say, possibly simple?

Don't think

you can say that anymore.

Okay, well thick?

You're all right?

I think I'm all right.

I mean, it's imminent now.

-Yeah.

-Could literally pop at any moment.

And I'm gonna be a dad,

and you'll be a grandfather again.

What advice would you give me

for the actual birth?

'Cause that's something

I'm quite apprehensive about.

Don't, whatever you do,

get down at the business end of things.

What goes on down there

is really nothing to do with you.

Your mother

-I don't wanna hear about that.

-What?

-I don't wanna hear about

-Your mother?

the business end

when my mother was giving birth to me.

That is not imagery

I will ever need in my head.

It was a major event getting you out.

Well, it was like when you go on stage.

Instead of just, sort of,

coming out and saying, "Hello, world."

"Wee baby, baby," you came out like

"Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Whitehall!"

That's how I came out

of my mother's vag*na?

Like I walk out onto the stage?

There was an announcer, was there?

You were big when you came out,

I can tell you.

-This huge head came through.

-Mm.

And your mother never recovered from it.

I mean, it took her weeks

before she could even walk.

And now I mean,

don't tell her that I've told you this

If you look at her very carefully

when she's walking,

still slightly lopsided.

She's developed what I'd call a waddle.

I mean not not in a big way

-Just a little waddle?

-Yeah.

Right, so I can't even get the wheel in.

-Oh, you did it!

-Yeah, I did it.

-Okay, this is good.

-Pretty much, okay.

Did you cut my umbilical cord?

Your what?

-My umbilical cord.

-I've never got involved with any of that.

No, I think your problem now

is you're getting far too technical.

Talking about am albi albilico?

-Umbilical cords?

-Yeah.

Your mother's coming.

Look at that walk.

You did that.

Do you need any help?

No. Well, I could have done with

some help about 20 minutes ago.

Roxy and I have done it now.

And she's gone for a nap.

How did you get on?

Been getting some advice

on fatherhood from Michael.

-How's that gone?

-I would say, yeah, mixed results.

To be honest, Jack,

you're asking the wrong parent.

As you know, I worked

as a postnatal doula for ten years.

I don't think you have any idea

what is coming down the tracks at you.

As Daddy found out,

you get chucked in at the deep end.

-Yeah.

-And it's sink or swim.

Not a great analogy

for Michael, obviously.

'Cause he can't swim!

I only couldn't swim because of the monks.

What do you mean because of the monks?

Because of the monks

who taught swimming at my school.

- They were all wearing habits.

- You live and learn, Jack.

But they were not allowed to take their

clothes off and jump in the swimming pool.

Every day, when I go to swimming pools,

I think, "If only I could swim."

Why you going to swimming pools every day?

Well, I often go and hang

around swimming pools.

Not something I would admit to on camera!

Whilst Michael headed off to loiter

around his local leisure center,

Hilary decided to pop round

for a parenting pep talk,

armed with some old baby photos.

-Oh, that's sweet.

-Little baby. Look.

Look, so cute.

-That's a little problematic.

-Why?

-Why have you put me in a Rasta hat?

-It's Peruvian.

Sorry, so it's Latin America that you've

made me culturally appropriate as a baby.

- I love it.

- That could get me cancelled.

Now I'm genuinely terrified

about what else we might find there.

Please don't have me in a turban.

- Oh, I love this one.

- Now look at that hot mess.

You know, I see an image like that and,

genuinely, for the first time in my life,

I'm like, I get it.

I get why you sent me to boarding school.

I'd sent that to boarding school.

- It's worth it, Jack.

- It's worth it?

I promise you. I mean,

how are you feeling about it all?

-Just pretty overwhelmed.

-Yeah.

I think for a while,

it didn't really feel real.

And now, as the due date is imminent,

suddenly I'm just quite scared.

Yeah. I mean, we all are.

It's a seismic, seismic change.

And, of course

Roxy will be feeling that as well.

I have kind of been

burying my head in the sand.

Yeah.

And now I think I probably need

to engage with this a bit more.

I think you do.

Obviously, I met Roxy and I realized

that I'd met the love of my life.

And we wanted to take things to this

next stage of our lives and have a kid,

and I've realized it is

something that I really want.

I'm, like, so excited

to have a baby, and to be a dad,

and to start my own family.

But with that comes so much more anxiety.

I spend nights not able to sleep because

I'm worried I'm not gonna be a good dad.

You absolutely will, Jack.

You're gonna be great.

You're gonna be a great dad.

And Roxy's gonna be an amazing mom.

-I know it.

-Yeah.

So, the other thing that you need to just

literally keep a handle on, both of you.

Making sure that we still

-That's not quite what I was thinking.

-Oh.

I was actually just gonna say to you,

the thing that you need to keep going

when this baby arrives is you both

need to keep your sense of humor.

Right.

Quite different.

So not

-Well, that as well. Yeah.

-Yeah.

Do some of my funniest work up there.

Do I need to know that?

No.

Spurred on

to get myself baby-ready,

Hilary suggested the first step

was taking antenatal classes.

Right. In here?

Mm-hmm.

Roxy had gone to all of ours

whilst I was away on tour.

So I decided I would

sign up for a crash course

as I needed to catch up quick.

-Hiya. Hey, are you Tori?

-Welcome. I am, hi.

Hey, Jack, nice to meet you.

How are you? This is Michael.

-Hello.

-Hello, I'm Tori, the midwife.

I feel a bit guilty that

I've missed these antenatal classes.

There's a guy over there

that's been to five of them already.

Anyway, I'm gonna make up for lost time.

Today is all about changing my attitude.

I'm gonna roll up my sleeves,

I'm gonna get involved,

and I'm gonna take this seriously.

Welcome to your first

Bump & Baby Club class.

Just want us all to go around the room

and introduce ourselves.

I'm Anjali,

and this is my partner Sandeep,

and I'm 26 weeks pregnant at the moment.

I'm Jack, my baby is due

in a couple of months.

Uh, we're using a surrogate.

This is my sugar daddy, Michael.

Very funny.

The problem with Jack is that he says

he's going to take

the whole parenting thing seriously.

But I know he's just

going to carry on acting the fool.

The boy just needs to grow up, fast.

So, who's ready to talk about labor?

No, thank you.

As in women going into labor,

not the political party.

Well, you never know nowadays.

They creep up on you.

What are the kind of things

you might do at home when you're in labor

in order to encourage

that kind of love hormone?

- Massages?

- Absolutely.

That's a really fantastic one,

and that comes back to touch,

and that kind of skin-to-skin contact.

-Have you ever given Mommy a massage?

-No.

-He wasn't present for any of the labor.

-I have had massages.

Yes.

Relief massages sometimes.

Physio, to be clear. He's had

physiotherapy, not relief massages.

-Never say that out loud again.

-No.

If you feel able and comfortable to,

I'd like to get ladies, pregnant people,

on the floor, between your partner's legs.

- Do you guys feel okay to take part?

- No.

-Yes. Why?

-Not, no! No way!

It'll be useful for me to learn, won't it?

- Absolutely.

- Come on.

-Sit!

-But I'll never get up again.

-Okay?

-Yeah.

-Not on your knees. Not on your knees.

-Like that?

What are you doing?

No one is in that position.

Like that?

I'm not milking you.

Sit on your arse!

Not on all fours.

There.

-Like this?

-Yes. Comfortable?

Um, I would say probably as uncomfortable

as I have ever been.

Wanna go from the base of the back

with the tip of your fingers

and come up to the back base of the neck

and out onto the shoulders.

What about this move here?

This one I call the dandruff brush.

I do not have dandruff.

Not anymore.

We're trying to keep

our oxytocin levels really high.

So we might want to whisper in our

partner's ear some positive affirmations.

Maybe something like,

"I hold a safe space for you to birth."

-I hold a safe space for you

-Oh!

So, it can seem a bit cringey.

But the more that you do these at home,

the better that they feel.

You are the mother goddess.

What? I need to practice.

Your womb is a portal to new happiness.

I do not want to be a portal.

Having got Michael's

oxytocin levels sky-high,

we learned the uncomfortable fact that

almost 9 out of 10 first vaginal births

can end up in some form of tear.

Luckily, though, there was

something we could do to help.

So we're now going to talk

about perineal massage.

What the f*ck

is perineal massage?

A massage of the perineum.

The perineum.

Your gooch.

Oh, my

Even Hilary

isn't allowed near that.

It's quite an intimate topic. I'm going

to take you individually to the model.

There's a mo There's a model?

Not gonna lie. I wish I'd googled

what an antenatal class was

before I invited my dad along with me.

Was not expecting it to be so tactile.

Michael, please join us

in the salon privé.

So, do you know anything

about perineal massage?

-No, I do not.

-Sorry. Gave me a bit of a shock there.

-Been a while has it?

-Yes.

I do not know much about perineal massage.

-Okay. It's this area, the perineum.

-Yeah.

The part between the vag*na

and the an*s there.

So, this part needs to stretch

when baby is being born.

So, there are some techniques

that can be used just to help that area

to gain elasticity and be prepared.

And probably on the day,

if you were doing this,

you wouldn't have your partner's

father-in-law observing on a sofa.

It's a very intimate

and private time.

That would be number one on the checklist.

Yes. Absolutely.

Okay, so

Imagine if this is the face of a clock,

you're going from 3 to 9.

Right.

-So, just?

-Oh, Jack, what are you doing?

What, you're all of a sudden

the master on perineal massages?

You didn't know perineums existed

until five minutes ago.

It's delicate, it's not sort of shoving.

Like a builder's merchant down there.

Seeing Jack fumbling around

with that plastic vag*na,

I'm amazed

he got Roxy pregnant in the first place.

Okay, so it might be good

to see what's going on as well.

Yeah.

He looked like a chimp

trying to get peanut butter out of a jar.

- Do you want to have a go?

- No, don't think so.

They've got a '60s model

with a bit more foliage

if that would make you feel

more comfortable.

No.

Studies have shown

that having a supportive birth partner

has a positive effect on new mothers.

So Tori suggested I looked into

something called empathy bellies

to understand some

of what Roxy was going through.

The pregnancy simulator, Empathy Belly.

I ordered it online.

Empathy belly instructor training manual.

"Pregnant brea"

Oh, the breasts do get much bigger.

That is one of the best things

about pregnancy.

Absolutely enormous.

Developed as a training device

to help nurses and birth partners

understand what it's like to be pregnant,

or a professional darts player.

By strapping on the 13-kilo bump,

it puts strains

on all the right parts of the body.

Oh, that's heavy.

- Bub?

- Hey.

-What do you think?

-What is that? That is so stupid.

My Empathy Belly.

-Is it heavy?

-Yeah.

-It's a weighted pregnancy simulator.

-Can I feel it?

It's so I can experience

what it's like to be pregnant.

-Oh my God, that is so

-I ordered it online.

So now I'm just gonna do all the things

that I would normally do with this.

-Then I'll understand how difficult it is.

-You gotta stop drinking.

I could stop drinking

for the next nine hours, I reckon.

Try nine months!

-There are limits to my empathy, babe.

-Mm-hm.

What are the chances of

a cheeky little pregnancy massage?

-You are joking?

-Give my back

You haven't given me one massage.

Give my perineum the once over.

Ew. You're so gro

I want to understand

exactly what it's like to be pregnant.

To be fair, this is also the body

I plan to have once I become a dad.

-With the moobs?

-Full dad bod with moobs.

I'm going for dinner with Dad tonight.

And I'm gonna wear this.

Does he know

you're gonna turn up like that?

No, he might not even notice.

Do you know what I mean?

He's so in his own world.

I was also, at dinner, planning on

running some baby names past my dad.

-Yeah?

-Come up with fake ones.

-Just to try and rile him up.

-Yeah?

After a hard day's empathizing,

it was time to meet up for dinner

with the country's least empathetic man.

Hi, Mikey.

Oh, you're here at last.

What the f*ck have you come as?

It's an Empathy Belly.

-A what?

-It's an Empathy Belly.

Been wearing it all day so I understand

what it's like for Roxy to be pregnant.

Ridiculous.

-You gonna help me pull out my chair?

-No. Just pull it out yourself.

-You're gonna let me do it on my own?

-Yeah.

Wow.

That is good to get the load off my feet.

Oi! Excuse me. Eyes up here.

This is a medical apparatus

that I am wearing. Okay?

Designed to help me

empathize with my partner.

And you know what? It's incredible.

Your mother,

when she was in that condition,

she had an enormous pair

-Hi, guys.

-Hello. How are you?

- Good. Are you ready to order?

- Are you paying or am I?

I will pay.

I'll have a glass of the champagne

and a dozen oysters, please.

I'll just have a Caesar salad.

Thank you.

I was also planning as well,

so that I can empathize with the pain

of the actual birthing of the child

Yeah.

to at some point allow Roxy

to kick me in between the legs.

Well, I'm sure she'd be delighted

to do that anytime, really.

-Wouldn't she?

-Yeah.

And also several other people,

I would have thought.

You could get a well-controlled

queue of people

who were ready to come in

and kick you in the ba*ls.

Yeah. Oh, do you know

what I was gonna do this evening?

-What was that?

-Run a couple of baby names past you.

-Oh yeah, you can.

-Right?

-Mm-hmm.

-Boi.

Mm-hmm.

No, that is the name, Boi.

-Boy?

-Boi. B-O-I.

It's an Asian name.

-Ridiculous.

-What?

-Well, absolutely ridiculous.

-Boi Whitehall.

No, that's absolutely ludicrous.

Pebble.

-Pebble?

-Pebble.

If you call the child Pebble,

when it went to school,

it would be the most bullied child

in the entire school

multiplied by 100.

The Rock?

He didn't get bullied at school, did he?

-Completely different. He was a wrestler!

-It's not!

-Yes. The Rock. Pebble.

-If you wanted your son What?

-They're both stones.

-Pebble's different from a rock.

Maybe I could call it

The Pebble for a bit,

and then as it grows a little bit older,

I would change the name to The Stone.

-Yeah.

-It would eventually become The Boulder.

Or The Rock or The Cliff, or just Cliff.

Because that's actually quite a good name.

Cliff. I'm gonna write Cliff down.

Why couldn't you give the child

a good start in life?

And give it a classy name?

-I'm workshopping a couple of them.

-No.

It's good to get feedback.

Let's move onto the girl's names.

-Yeah?

-Uh, Ketamine.

-Ketamine?

-Yeah, Ketamine.

I think it means goddess of the sky.

-It's Greek. So, it would be Ketamine.

-Definitely not.

Or Kay for short.

-No?

-No, no.

You couldn't imagine her

bouncing up and down on your knee?

No.

-Ketamine bump?

-No.

-Nope?

-Couldn't imagine any of that.

Okay.

Well, come on. Give me a name, then.

Well, I think the nicest thing

you could do is call your daughter Hilary,

after your mother.

-Do you know how confusing that would be?

-And if it's a son, you could also

call him Hilary.

Because, of course,

Hilary is a man's name.

And if you had two children,

a boy and a girl,

the dream for Mummy would be

that you called your son Hilary

and your daughter Hilary too.

- So I would have two children

- Yeah.

-of two different sexes

-Yeah. Both called Hilary.

-Both would be named after my mother.

-Yes.

And you can't envisage a world in which

that might be a bit confusing?

No, they'd know

who you were talking about.

The only person that would not think that

was a terribly good idea would be Roxy.

Yeah.

If you told her you'd decided

definitely you wanted to

To call all the children Hilary.

call all the children Hilary,

you might be in a bit of trouble.

Jack.

Jack!

Like, I genuinely think I might be

one of the most inadequate people

you could possibly imagine

to become a dad.

How am I gonna do it?

Right, Jack, come here.

I've had enough of you. I've warned you.

I said do not go on that path. Come here.

Then again, I look at my dad.

And then I think, if he could do it,

three times,

then, f*ck it. Maybe I'll be fine.

The big day was fast approaching,

and I still had zero idea

what to expect during the delivery.

As an ex-doula, Hilary suggested

I should experience birth up-close.

So, she got in contact

with a few of her old colleagues.

After shipping Roxy off

for a relaxing spa day,

we headed to the Whittington Hospital.

Don't wander around into any of the wards.

You'll distress the patients.

They might think you're the Grim Reaper.

So, if you just keep close to us, please.

NHS Midwife Elizabeth Idowu was waiting

to guide me through what I could expect.

-Look, there's a lady coming.

-Is there somebody coming?

-Welcome.

-Hello!

-Hi. Hilary Whitehall, lovely to meet you.

-I'm Elizabeth, nice to meet you.

What can I do for you guys?

I wanna try and be the best

birthing partner that I can possibly be.

I want to experience everything today,

gain a lot of knowledge

so that I can be helpful

when it comes to the big moment

and not sh*t my pants.

You might still sh*t yourself on the day,

but I can help prep you

-Yeah, less likely to.

-I've got you. I've got you.

There are actual women

in the rooms giving birth right now.

-What?

-Yeah.

So if you hear screaming,

just deep breaths.

Oh my God.

So, welcome.

This is one of our birthing suites.

- This is where Mom will have baby.

- What?

I noticed that you have

a very massive bag.

-So I wanted to ask

-This is my dad bag.

-Your dad bag?

-Yeah.

This is all the things that I'm actually

going to be bringing into the hospital.

I've got stress ba*ls,

I've got blankets, Ferrero Rochers.

- The calming crystal.

- It just gets worse.

No. These are genuinely

the things that she's asked for.

- That's the lavender spray.

- Nice. Yeah.

-Okay, can I be totally honest?

-Yeah.

This is probably, like,

the worst bag I've ever seen.

I wanted us to start on an exercise.

We have what we call a TENS machine,

which really helps women

with labor contractions at the beginning.

But if you were to wear it

with no contraction,

it gives you

what would feel like a contraction.

-So I can experience

-You can experience.

what it's like to push the baby out?

-You'd feel that pain of a contraction.

-Okay.

Switched to low level,

TENS are used as pain relief

because the nerve stimulation

releases endorphins.

But strapped up to my gooch

and cranked to 100,

the only thing in danger

of being released was my lunch.

All the pads are on.

So, who's gonna be

in charge of this equipment?

- The medical professional.

- I should.

-I was

-Absolutely not!

You're giving very evil,

n*zi scientist vibes.

Evil n*zi scientist?

- Yes.

- Where did that come from?

You look like Laurence Olivier

in Marathon Man, and it's very unnerving.

I have a very low pain threshold,

to be clear.

So maybe we start it very, very low.

Birth is very intrusive.

I know you feel uncomfortable,

but most women feel uncomfortable

with our hands going

Yeah, but most women,

when they're going into labor,

don't have their mom and dad at the end

of the bed, like, looming over them.

-I'm gonna start off gentle.

-You're loving this so much!

- No, I'm not

- Ooh! Oh.

Just sorry. Sorry.

I wasn't expecting it to be in my legs.

You know, it goes up to 100.

I only pressed 1.

- Okay. Yeah, but

- That was one?

That was one.

-That was one?

-Okay. One of a hundred.

- Okay. Yeah.

- 99 to go.

-Okay, I'd like the epidural now.

-And for your notes?

- I'll have the epidural.

- You're doing really well, Jack.

- You're fine.

- Oh f*ck!

Anything there, Jack?

- How does that feel?

- Not great. I've had nicer sensations.

- I think we need to get on with this.

- No.

-I'm sorry. I think I should take over.

-No.

-This is the buttons that increase it

-Fine. Okay, all right.

So just take it slow.

-This one?

-Just press it more.

f*cking hell!

Now you know how I felt

giving birth to you, Jack.

-Where are you now?

-Twenty-something, 29?

- You're 29.

- 29, Jack, doing well!

-Twenty-nine.

-I think this will be like 3 cm.

Yeah, so

The baby would only be

3 cm out by this point?

- Your cervix would only be 3 cm open.

- Cervix.

-What have I got to get to?

-Ten.

-Ten?

-Ten, yeah.

f*cking hell!

Oh my God!

- Come on, breathe. Deep

- This is why people adopt!

Deep breaths, Jack.

- Deep breaths.

- Oh f*ck!

Fifty, Jack. Amazing.

-Ah sh*t. f*ck.

-Remember, in

- Oh, Jack! Language!

- Oh f*ck!

There are ladies here.

Oh, sh1tting ! f*ck!

f*cking wank, sh*t, f*ck trumpet!

Jack, can I ask?

Does it actually hurt?

Does it actually hurt? It's agony!

It's like having electric shocks

through your c*ck and back and legs

all at the same time.

Ah! Oh f*ck!

Fu What just happened there?

Okay, stop! Stop!

Oh my God, that is one of the most

painful things I've ever done in my life.

And I've read my dad's book twice.

Could you have

gone further, you think?

Anything further and I think we would

have been in a**l prolapse territory.

Seeing how it's frowned upon wandering

into an actual birthing room unannounced,

Elizabeth had set up a simulation.

Come through.

Instructor Holly is trained

to act out the pain of childbirth,

which begs the question, why did I

have to undergo the TENS machine?

I'm currently wearing

a wearable birthing simulator

at the moment, underneath all this.

So we use it as a medical

training device for paramedics,

for the midwifery teams.

So this really helps people to learn

and make mistakes

in a controlled environment.

Great. This is a chance

for me to experience everything.

-Exactly. Mm-hm.

-Like a dress rehearsal.

And just like my birth,

Michael had found somewhere better to be.

The whole idea is

to prep you, so that on the day

you can really be empathetic

to your partner.

- Okay, we're having contractions.

- Yeah.

-Is it starting?

-It's started already, yeah.

-Jack, you need to hold her hand.

-Yeah. Okay.

Be useful, please.

-Remember, be breathing with her as well.

-Breathing.

Deep breaths at the moment.

Oh God.

Okay, deep breaths in.

- Yes.

- So deep breaths.

-Leave the crystal a minute. Deep breaths.

-Yep.

-In your nose, out your mouth.

-I feel pressure.

- Especially in my back.

- Definitely.

Okay, where should I put them, Mom?

-I can put them down there, like a runway.

-That's not hygiene. Put them up there.

Hils, pass me the lavender spray.

There's a time

I'll tell you to pant,

and then I just want you

to blow out candles, like

I've got some candles in here.

-Come back, Jack.

-No. Jack!

Remember I said less jokes,

get in the zone,

give the support she needs.

Okay.

-All right.

-Okay.

Do you feel like you're gonna push?

Okay, deep breaths. Deep breaths.

- Push, keep pushing.

- Yeah, keep pushing.

- You got this.

- Hold her hand.

- You've got this. Keep going.

- Go on.

-Is there a bit of head? Yeah?

-Well done. Want to have a look?

Uh Nah.

-Amazing, Mommy. Keep going.

-Come on.

-Oh God!

-Come on, keep pushing.

It's like the morning after a big sesh.

You've got a Guinness poo,

and you just Better out than in.

-Just, "Get out of me."

-Keep pushing.

"Get out of me, Satan."

- Push! Keep going.

- Breathing.

-Keep going. Deep breaths.

-Yeah, go on!

The birth simulator, hands down,

is one of the most bizarre things

that I have ever taken part in.

Great.

Try not to shout. Try not to shout.

Use all that energy to push. Okay?

It had a slight am-dram quality to it.

- Come on.

- Keep going.

- Keep going, keep going.

- All right, nearly at the ears.

- Oh God.

- f*cking hell! Like the whole head.

- Oh, wow! Oh my God.

- Deep breaths. Start pushing.

- Pant.

- Come on!

Deep breaths

Keep pushing, you've got this.

-You're doing so amazing.

-You're doing so well.

- You're perfect.

- You have a very resilient vag*na.

Sorry.

-You Squeeze! Yeah!

-You're amazing.

-Congratulations, Mommy!

-We got Yes! Whoo!

- Congratulations!

- Oh, wow!

Oh!

Is he okay? Yeah?

-He's perfectly fine.

-We have lift off. Congratulations.

-Aw

-Well done.

- How did Jack do?

- I think you could have been a lot better.

I think you definitely got

more serious towards the end.

I think the best thing

is always support your partner.

Because you know her more

than any midwife will know her.

Whereas I know about vaginas

more than you'd know.

Stick to what you know,

which is your birth partner.

So it's the word of affirmations,

it's rubbing her hair,

it's reducing the jokes

when you need to reduce the jokes.

-That one is specifically for you.

-Yeah.

That is probably

the exact wake-up call that I needed.

Like, when it comes to the day,

I really need to focus

'cause I don't wanna be

flapping around like I was in there.

I can remember, actually,

when I had you, Jack,

the midwife said,

"Do you wanna help deliver the baby?"

So, I put my hands down and actually

helped lift you out, and there was this

-Out of yourself?

-Yeah.

There was an extraordinary moment where

almost the life is breathed into you.

And I can remember,

I can see it now in my mind's eye.

I can see your face

as you sort of came to, as it were.

It was extraordinary.

-I'm getting quite emotional.

-Little Mumsie.

-My baby.

-Oh, Mumsies.

Um that was extraordinary.

Was that just a ploy

to wipe all of that fluid on me?

Whilst I was

finally feeling prepped

for the practicalities of fatherhood,

I wasn't yet mentally prepared.

I'd been searching for solutions

to help me get into the right

headspace for what was to come,

and I thought I'd hit a breakthrough.

I think I'm quite deep

down the rabbit hole

of, uh, googling parenting right now.

I mean, this that I've found

is quite interesting.

It's a male fatherhood ritual

honoring the journey into fatherhood,

that originated in Mexico.

"There's much responsibility and fear

with a new baby."

"That's why it's important

for men to feel more peace."

"Letting go of Peter Pan syndrome."

That's me.

"Closing of the bones swaddling." I think

it's basically like returning to the womb.

So are you considering

a trip to Mexico?

No, you don't have to go to Mexico

because they do it in LA.

Perfect. I'm gonna be in LA

in a couple of weeks doing some press,

so maybe whilst I'm out there,

I will get Tnah,

who is a postpartum doula-slash-witch,

to swaddle me.

I'd made it to LA for my press

engagements and was ready to be swaddled.

Roxy couldn't fly in her condition,

so I took Daddy,

remembering what a fan he was

of alternative therapies and Americans.

We're going to meet

a life-cycle celebrant.

What the f*ck does that mean?

It's someone who is going to lead us

through a spiritual rite of passage.

And I will say goodbye to my existence

as the child and become the parent.

It's very American.

So, this woman that we're meeting

is going to be quite spiritual.

-Will you be respectful of that?

-What, like a nun or something like that?

-She's not a nun.

-No?

No, she's probably more like

a worshiper of Mother Nature.

What, you mean nude?

No.

Not nude.

Well, you mean they're not

Not naturists.

-'Cause I'm not getting my kit off.

-I haven't mentioned that.

I said she's spiritual.

Your head has gone straight to

you're gonna be asked

to take your clothes off.

When have I brought you into a situation

where you've had to take your clothes off?

-There have been occasions.

-Other than naked yoga?

-Yes, exactly.

-And the nudist beach in Australia.

Well, that's two.

-And Magic Mike.

-Three.

But other than those three times,

you've never been in a situation

where anyone has wanted you

to take your kit off.

But there's always room for a fourth,

and this could be it.

-No.

-You're promising me, yeah?

I'm pretty certain.

Having arrived in Sherman Oaks,

it was time to find out

what I signed us up for.

What you can expect today is a beautiful

ceremony that's going to start off

with you thinking about

the things you want to let go of.

You're gonna speak it out to the universe,

and we're gonna throw it in the fire.

And from that point, we can take you

and wrap you like a cocoon.

And in that cocooning,

there's going to be transformation.

How you feeling

about being wrapped like a caterpillar,

emerging as a butterfly?

I think I'm more of a snail, really.

I find that the men

who have taken an opportunity

to surrender to this process

have gotten something out of it.

-I think you need to start surrendering.

-I don't like surrendering.

You know me, Jack.

It's very French, surrendering.

She didn't mean that kind of surrendering.

Right.

I think my problem is basically that

I just don't feel like I'm prepared yet

for fatherhood because

I don't know. I'm a bit of a

Idiot.

I was gonna say dreamer.

-Oh sorry.

-I'm playful. You know?

I feel like I need to be more serious now.

I need to, you know, grow up.

Yeah, I would agree with that.

I called Roxy

so she could say goodbye to the old Jack

before he got mummified like a giant baby.

- Hey!

- Hey, I just called you to say goodbye.

I'm gonna emerge from this experience

as a new man, prepared for fatherhood.

The first stage is called an offering

where I need to write a load of things

I want to get rid of before I become

a father and chuck them into the fire.

Okay. Are you gonna

get rid of the PlayStation or

I'm not getting rid of my PlayStation.

Obviously, I'm gonna need that.

I thought you were gonna be reborn

as a better man.

Yeah, I mean But better men

can still play the PlayStation.

RIP Jack the lad. Long live Jack the dad.

We spent some time writing down

the negative character traits

that we wanted to be rid of.

Hope Daddy's got enough ink.

All right.

What do we have?

- I would like to relinquish

- I can't hear you.

- I would like to relinquish

- That's better.

my irresponsibility.

- You have been heard.

- Yes.

You have been heard.

I would like to cast away my immaturity.

Okay.

-Ridiculous.

-Let that one burn.

The ceremony was a little difficult

because it was very gusty.

Every time I was trying

to chuck them into the fire,

the wind was just blowing them out.

Maybe it was the universe telling me

that some of these things

I'm not ready to let go of.

Michael.

The things that I would cast

into the fire are 20 mph speed limits.

- These aren't

- Absolutely ludicrous.

But it's meant to be things about you.

New World wine.

Undrinkable.

-Oh Note on that one.

-This isn't Room 101. It

The Guardian.

Michael completely did not

understand the nature of that ritual.

And his list was so long. I mean,

I thought it was never going to end.

People who call the house

after six o'clock.

Voice notes.

Ugh!

Dreadful.

John Mullinger.

-Who the f*ck is John Mullinger?

-He's a neighbor of ours.

Hilary's asked me to point out

that John Mullinger is a really nice guy,

just a little bit over familiar.

Anyway, it was now time

for the ceremony to begin.

What we're doing is

we are going to wrap you up like a cocoon.

You're gonna be like the caterpillar

that emerges like the butterfly.

-A beautiful butterfly.

-A beautiful butterfly.

I feel like Harry Houdini.

Don't try to bust out.

I didn't want to smother you.

My mother smothered me.

Then we're gonna wrap

and tuck him under here.

-You feel deeply held here?

-Very deeply held.

Okay, 'cause I want to take you

back to the womb experience.

Michael, would you like

to take off your jacket as well?

-Or do you want me to wrap you?

-I think I'm alright, actually.

- I think I could just stay here.

- No.

- What?

- For the full experience.

There's no point in doing this

and pulling out at the last minute.

- I'm not pulling out. I never pulled in.

- You are!

I don't know about you,

but I feel like a sausage in a skin here.

Okay. I'm putting this over your head

so that you guys can actually tune out.

And just let go

of where you're at right now.

I'm ready to guide you now.

We're going to go on a visualization.

I want to invite you to imagine yourself

in the warmth of the womb.

- My mother's womb?

- Your mother's womb.

I want you both to visualize yourself

as the sperm in the womb,

not the baby in the womb, okay?

Inhale deeply and envision

a warm encompassing light,

pouring in from the top of your head.

Listen to the sound of the heartbeat.

Am I still a sperm?

Are we still in

Am I still in the womb?

You're still in the womb,

and you're still in the dark.

I want you to feel yourself

at the beginning of creation.

I'd love to leave you now to

just sit in the music of the drum beat

before I come back and unwrap you.

At this point, I am beginning to

think that maybe reading a couple of books

and listening to the odd podcast

might have been an easier way

to prepare for parenthood.

This does feel quite extreme.

Michael?

Oh, sorry. I nodded off.

Where are we exactly?

- In the womb, I think.

- Yeah.

- Good to be back.

- Yeah. Oh God.

Yes.

I now know what it was like for

your mother and my wife.

No. 'Cause we're inside her.

Well, I'm not I'm inside her womb.

You're inside your mother's womb, I guess.

Unless you're also a sperm inside

Hilary's womb.

- I got a bit lost there.

- Yeah, I'm struggling a bit too.

Yeah. Good to try new things.

How many people can say

that they've been adult swaddled

with their dad?

You think

there's a reason for that?

I've never felt

closer to you in my life.

Well, you probably

never have been this close.

Why does your voice

sound like that?

It does genuinely sound like

you're drifting off into the afterlife.

Stay with us.

It's not your time, Daddy.

Do you think

I'm gonna be a good dad?

Of course you are.

You'll be a brilliant dad.

I mean, you did learn from the best.

Oopsie.

Oh no, Booboo! No!

He's putting grass in my mouth!

There's gonna be

a lot of moments in this documentary

where I complain about him as a father

and talk about some of his flaws,

but the reality is

he was the most amazing dad.

And I feel like that puts

almost even more pressure on me

because I so want to have

a successful and happy family.

And if I don't,

I will feel like such a failure.

Daddy?

What?

At least we're not naked.

Right now,

that is scant consolation.

I mean, if we're in the womb,

then technically we should be.

No way.

If I free my hand, I think

I can probably loosen your trousers.

Don't you dare!

I'm determined to become

the best dad that I can possibly be.

I will stop at nothing.

That is honestly one of the most horrific

experiences I've ever had.

It is literally like

watching Hannibal Lecter over there.

Daddy? Never thought I'd say this to you,

but you have a wonderful butt cleavage.

A wonderful what?

Michael says,

can you remember to get his Anusol?

God, that is so loud!

Leave that thing alone!

Whoa!

Where'd that come from?