01x10 - Sh*t Storm

[bunniefuu]

You can't. There's no room.

No, come on, I can get one more.

Ooh!

Wow, you're a genius.

Just looking out for you and the business.

You spent all this money on everything,

might as well display it.

You gotta spend money to make money.

Plus it's not every day you get to put up

an elf peeing on the naughty list.

Reporting for Channel 12,

this is Remington Alexander

- back from vacation.

- Finally.

Today's top story

is the impending solar storm

threatening to knock out the Internet,

cell phone service,

and possibly the power grid.

It incited panic

and caused a rush on essential items

So much fear mongering.

Maybe, but the solar storm is real.

It's why China built a second sun.

Between the solar storm and the metaverse,

I feel like it's coming out of both ends.

If I'm being totally honest,

I did buy 10 pounds

of loose seeds just in case.

I heard the Internet might go down.

You aren't you worried about your Bitcoin?

I already converted it to Kohl's cash.

Stop. This is Y2K all over again.

They said computers would shut down,

my dad panicked

and printed out all his porn.

Nothing happened except

I had to use the other side of that porn

to print my essay on Gatsby.

The search for local

Sandwich Hell employee,

Garrett Pennock, has taken a sexy turn

All right, let's just focus

on the event. Okay?

Someone who survived

the Gumdrop Avalanche once said,

"You must shine on,"

and that someone is Lil' Stevie.

I am confused.

I've explained it so many times.

People aren't renting enough DVDs

to keep the lights on,

so we're pivoting to more special events.

You trick nerds into paying

to meet a washed-up actor.

No, I understand that.

I'm confused about Patrice.

I called her

and she hasn't gotten back to me.

It's been two days,

and now I'm worried that she's mad at me.

She's been like this all morning.

Worried my new best friend is mad?

Yeah, I'm a real monster. Oh, Patrice!

Just me. Found a Christmas bow.

Sorry. You have terrible posture

just like Patrice.

I have never seen

so many people here before.

Except for that one time

someone claimed they saw Bono.

That was me.

Somebody left a pair of tinted sunglasses

on a pumpkin.

I think I finally figured out

how to run this business.

The pre-sales from this event alone

will pay my rent for the next two months,

and a new spatula for the bathroom key.

Never underestimate nostalgia.

Nothing thrills people more

than knowing their memory still works.

So, Lena, I was wondering

Well, you like me, and I like you

I know labels are for losers

Oh, no. My mom thinks she saw a shoplifter

and she's going to handle things her way.

Sorry, I better get there.

Of course. Right.

Did I tell you that my community

college offers classes at night?

What? Everything's coming up Hannah.

- The world is your oyster.

- I could even major in oysters.

So I have a little secret.

Okay.

Eliza's husband Aaron

is going to re-propose to her

in here tonight.

Really? I thought that marriage

was a little rocky.

Well, that's why I told him

he needs a grand gesture.

Things might be more complicated

than you think.

Trust me, people always come to me

about matters of the heart.

Fine. Aaron came in

to get Eliza's schedule,

and then I think he just told me

because he's bad at small talk.

I might also have news pretty soon

that's gonna blow your mind.

Ooh! Please will you film

the proposal for us.

Ideally, it would be as cinematic as

Pitch Perfect 2.

Come on. Please.

Eh, might as well have me pitch in

while you can still afford me, Toots.

What? I can't pay.

- No, I know. I was gonna do it for free.

- Okay.

Wow! Oh, my God.

Look at all these weirdos.

It's definitely more Garfield sweatshirts

- than I'm used to in a day.

- All these lives going sideways.

Standing in the cold

for a 25-year-old Christmas movie.

No, I take that back.

They're not weirdos. They're geekers.

- I heard that. You laughed.

- Barely.

- You think I'm funny, don't you?

- Funny adjacent. Okay?

Wow, looks like the North Pole in here.

Except less elf scat.

Huge problem up there.

Oh.

Mistletoe. Could you imagine us kissing?

Like, how weird would that be?

Like, there's you and there's me

and our lips,

and did you know that lips are technically

a mucous membrane and not skin?

Huh, I did not know that or want to.

He's here! Lil' Stevie's here.

- Hey.

- Sorry I'm late.

This dang solar storm stuff

has me screwed up.

Also, I'm an adult now

so you can call me just Stevie.

Just Stevie gets it.

But, guess what else! We sold out.

- Really?

- Wait. You sold out the event?

It's just that I retired from acting.

I haven't been in front of a crowd

in over a decade.

- What if they're here to make fun of me?

- What? No. People love you.

Just do what Lil' Stevie did in the movie

when he danced

in front of the Sugar Plum Fairy.

Just give yourself a big hug

for confidence.

Okay, sure.

We'll go warm up the crowd

while you give yourself that hug.

- I can't wait.

- It'll be awesome.

- Okay.

- I'm so excited.

- It's gonna be so cool.

- Sold out!

Oh, a hug.

Mm!

All right. Who wants to meet Lil' Stevie?

You don't sound that excited.

That's more like it. Okay.

How about we start

with a little movie trivia contest.

- Winner gets this Truman Show key chain.

- Uh-oh!

Ooh!

All right, first question.

Besides But I'm Too Young to be Santa,

name another movie

directed by Roman Polanski.

Oh!

Whoa!

Hi.

Yeah!

You were supposed to go around.

Not through.

Football!

Uh Hey, Stevie.

Why don't you say your catchphrase?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, hey, hey.

Did I do that?

- I pity the fool!

- Okay. Stop it.

You're almost pathologically

doing catchphrases of Black characters.

It's "But I'm too young to be Santa."

That's right. Thank you.

But I'm too young to be Santa!

- He's drunk.

- Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!

Okay.

Dude, you gotta pull it together.

Hey, no more drinking, okay?

Be normal, and stop telling people

why you were banned from Cameo.

Never.

h*-h*-h*!

Happy Hanukkah to a child.

What can I do for you?

How are you? Is this your wife?

- I'm messing. I'm busting your ba*ls, kid.

- Okay.

You look like my favorite actress,

Angela Racks.

Whoa, buddy.

Santa just complimented your mom.

- Pretty cool.

- Yeah, he did.

Angela Racks was a porn star in the '70s.

She invented the modern-day g*ngb*ng.

She was a true pioneer.

You forgot your DVD. Ah!

- Okay, no.

- Damn it!

He meant "corn" star. She did commercials

- for the Iowa Department of Agriculture.

- Goodbye.

Who doesn't call shucking corn

with your friends a g*ngb*ng?

Me, Santa doesn't.

We reduced the signed DVDs to 20 bucks.

You can't leave empty-handed.

That's not the Lil' Stevie I remember.

That man wouldn't race around the globe

to find the cure

for Rudolph's testicular cancer.

I meant p*rn*graphy,

I don't know what he's talking about.

- Take it.

- Ouch.

It's room temperature.

Oh, wow. Congrats, kid.

You're about to witness

the launch of my Hollywood career.

"The Emerging Filmmakers Fellow"

I didn't get in.

I can't believe I didn't get in.

That was mine.

Hey, how many refunds have you processed?

Do you want to know the exact number?

Because it might give you a heart attack.

Where'd everybody go?

Everybody left because of you.

Event's canceled.

Please, get the hell out of here.

Well, I would, but I'm pretty drunk.

It's not a moral thing.

It's just, my car has a little tube

you gotta blow into

Stop talking!

Stop talking.

Uh, hey, you can all still buy food

and rent videos if you want.

No sense coming all this way and

What the hell is going on?

- Wow.

- Great. The solar storm.

Told you there would be one.

No one ever believes Hannah.

I need a drink.

The solar storm caused Internet

and cell service to crash indefinitely.

Tensions mount as incidents of looting

have been reported

all across Menominee County

We're the Jingle Bills.

Okay.

Hannah said we could wait in here.

Oh, for Aaron's proposal, right.

Because nothing says "romance"

like a band of lonely stepdads.

Stepdad? I wish.

Are you going to film it?

Hannah says you're the next Nancy Meyers.

That is not a compliment

and I'm not a filmmaker, apparently.

Maybe Hannah should film it herself.

Here's my camera.

Tell her to read the instructions.

It's easy. She got into community college.

That's amazing.

Everyone gets into community college.

Everyone.

The Wi-Fi went out right

as I crossed a river in Oregon Trail

Bup-bup-bup! Let me introduce you

to the currency of our new world.

- I didn't stock up.

- Of course you didn't.

- That'll be $5 a roll.

- Kayla will you call Patrice for me?

Call her yourself, or better yet,

walk next door and talk to her.

Oh, no. I don't want to seem pushy.

You know how relationships are.

One false move,

this is Sylvia all over again.

I can't lose Patrice.

Can I use your landline?

Cells aren't working.

Can you look up my mom's number?

I don't know it.

Oh, my God. All of you shut up.

- What did I do?

- Will you call Patrice?

- What's a Patrice?

- Have you seen Timmy?

He's probably taking a victory lap,

like at the Daytona 500.

When a car crashes and burns,

it takes a victory lap in flames.

This is serious.

When Timmy gets down on himself,

he really needs someone, usually me,

to bring his spirits up

or he starts spiraling

I've got toilet paper to sell.

Timmy fails again.

Who am I kidding? I suck at business.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

- And drinking apparently.

- Aw.

You know, when I was a kid,

my mom never put out a ton

of Christmas decorations,

but we did have this one reindeer,

and every year she would put it out

and every year neighborhood kids stole it.

I'd always convince her to buy a new one,

but eventually

she just stopped putting anything out.

Well, those kids sound like assholes.

They were.

But at what point do you just give up?

I kept the last Blockbuster open

after corporate folded.

This store is my reindeer.

Maybe it is.

But what I like most about you

is that you're the type of person

who will never stop

buying another reindeer.

Mm. You mean an idiot?

No, an optimist.

Watch it, nobody calls

my boyfriend an idiot.

Oh, great.

The girl that I like has a boy

- Are you talking about me?

- Yes, you are my boyfriend.

Hey. Do you remember when you were little

and had colic, we would stay up

and watch Celebrity Grappling

until you fell asleep?

Do I remember being an infant?

So, no.

Anyway, Lil' Stevie was on it.

I didn't recognize him

with the Santa beard,

but he tried to poke Cheech Marin

in the eye with a stick.

How cool is that?

The guy from our show.

It's not our show.

You're just as lame

as the other dorks

that came for Lil' Stevie.

What's up with you?

I thought we were

kind of, sort of getting along again.

Yeah, well. Swing and a miss.

The legend.

The manhole cover himself.

This proposal is going to be so good.

Sure is.

Wait, so you're all actually named Bill?

Yeah, we have to be named Bill to join.

It's tradition.

- My name used to be Tracy.

- I did it.

Hmm.

I think I just designed my first shot.

Thank God I found you.

Oh, hey.

Hey, I know today's been kind of a lot,

and I figured you probably

needed somebody to

Two tequila and Sprites.

Oh, Lena.

- Hey.

- Hey!

Great.

I was worried that you were here

drinking yourself to death alone.

I fully expected to have to

pick you up off the floor.

But I guess this is a whole new Timmy,

and that's

that's great.

Eliza, your hair looks fantastic.

Thank you. Yours is hair too.

Yeah! Move forward!

What the hell is going on?

Hey, Blockbuster

carries kids videos, right?

I'm desperate.

Yeah, of course, games too.

Oh, my God!

Streaming services are down.

The solar storm knocked out the Internet,

without it, people are gonna need

DVDs.

Blockbuster's the only game in town.

You're sitting on a goldmine, Timmy.

Lena, you're right.

I was just saying that.

What if we triple the prices of sequels?

These nerds will pay anything

to see if Iron Man dies.

Whoa. Success really changes you.

I told you buying another reindeer

was a good idea.

I'm a reindeer man.

I don't get the joke.

Yay!

You're gonna want the sequel to that.

Not sure you're old enough to rent that.

It's rated F for fantastic.

Oh, Shaq is great in that.

Timmy, you are cleaning up.

I just saw someone rent

a Jimmy Fallon movie. On purpose.

I knew one day

people would abandon streaming

and return to the superior format of DVD.

Sure, it was by force, but I'll take it.

Didn't think people

were still doing public tongue action.

Yep. It's pretty gross.

Oh, Eliza, I need your help

in the break room to

- Great. Happy to get away from this.

- Oh, good.

I forgot to invent a reason why.

We're only accepting cash.

- Credit cards will be rejected.

- Here you go.

Rejected.

Like how Patrice rejected me.

Le sigh. That's what she always said.

Can you pull yourself together?

We have customers.

I mean, I don't care.

- Patrice.

- You know what, Connie?

If you were so mad at me,

you could've just told me

instead of never calling me back.

And to think I planned

this huge surprise for us.

What? But I was the last one to call you.

Were you?

Was I?

I thought you died, or worse, hated me.

That sounds crazy,

but I value our friendship that much.

Me too.

Wait. What surprise did you plan?

Mon amie

I'm taking you to Paris

Hotel in Las Vegas.

Please tell me they have a buffet.

They have deux.

I know we have The Jungle Cruise.

There's copies in the back. Give me a sec.

Anything with The Rock in it.

Something for the kids,

and for Mommy when she's in the tub later.

You might want to skip

the Paul Giamatti scenes, tub wise.

Or I might not.

Here we are. Bills, go.

Can somebody tell me

How to get things back ♪

The way they used to be? ♪

Oh, God, give me a reason ♪

I'm down on bended knee ♪

Oh, my God.

Goose I know I've made mistakes.

But I love you more

than anything on this Earth,

and I want to prove it to you.

So

Um

What do you say

we put our past behind us for good?

Will you make me the happiest man

in the world, and remarry me?

No.

I'm sorry?

Should we still do

"I'll Make Love To You"?

What? No, Jungle Cruise?

Oh, no. We're out.

Um, I'll see you later.

Looking forward to our date, boyfriend.

Me too, Eliza.

Um, not Eliza. I meant Lena. Lena.

Yeah, Lena.

I think I'm getting the full picture here.

- Just Wait, I

- Maybe we should cancel tonight.

No, come on. Lena.

This seems like a bad time,

I know, but I'm looking for a movie

about a pig, but not Babe.

It's too big a city.

- I

- Okay.

Dude, you can't smoke in here.

What are you doing?

Come on. Be cool, man.

Whatever, do what you want. I don't care.

Oh, man, was it a mistake

for me to come here.

I'm a joke.

People just came here to make fun of me.

They're all, "Let's all laugh

at the sad guy with rosacea

who once got escorted

off the Nash Bridges set by cop extras."

I know what you mean.

I mean, not specifically that but

I just found out

I didn't get into this film program

which had been my lifelong dream.

Didn't even consider I could get rejected.

You want to know something, kid?

Hollywood is filled with rejection.

Even Speven Stielberg

got rejected from USC.

You think I got

But I'm Too Young to be Santa

on the first try?

No. Their first choice

died in a grape juice commercial.

Hollywood crushes dreams. Okay?

Welcome to the club, kid.

You're a Hollywood filmmaker now.

Huh.

- Thanks, man.

- You're welcome.

Okay, good night.

Hannah, can we get some water?

It's really a no?

Can the Jingle Ballers

not be here for this?

Jingle Bills.

You still owe us the other half.

Can we settle this later, Bill?

I gotta be honest,

I did not see this coming.

I thought I've been

doing everything right.

You have been.

But doing a bunch of little things right

doesn't cancel out

the big thing you did wrong.

That's what this is about.

No.

Not entirely, I don't think.

It's not like we didn't have

problems before you cheated,

that was probably why you cheated.

I don't know how to respond to that.

This, us

it just doesn't feel right anymore.

It was one thing

when we were giving it a go for Ali,

but she's an adult now with her own life.

And we owe it to her

and to ourselves to

try to be happy.

But what if being with you makes me happy?

I have feelings for someone else.

What?

Since when?

I don't know.

Maybe a few weeks, maybe

Timmy?

I'm sorry.

I have to go.

- What are you doing?

- Give me that.

Get your hands off my Snow Buddies.

We have a long drive home.

That is the only thing keeping my kids

from chewing through their seat belts.

Hey, there's plenty other movies

that kids love, like Unfaithful.

Diane Lane is electric in this.

I need Snow Buddies for my kids.

They're "snow" cool.

Hey, we need to talk.

- Now's not the best time.

- I know.

But what you saw back there

made me realize something,

and it's really important

I say it out loud.

Hey, man.

You probably get this a whole lot

but I'm a big fan.

Celebrity Grappling

got me through some tough times.

Would you mind signing this?

And what was it like

to scissor kick Emmanuel Lewis?

Hilarious. That's not a chapter

of my life I'm proud of.

I only did it because I was low on cash

and me and Emmanuel have beef. Excuse me.

- Thank you. Okay.

- Hey. Hey.

- Excuse me, man.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- I will give you $100 for this DVD.

- I'll give you the contents of my purse.

Could be nothing of value

or several things of value.

Storage Wars style.

- Yeah, no thank you.

- Come on.

Don't be like that.

You can't be embarrassed.

You are the man who grappled

the hell out of Tonya Harding.

And she deserved that.

I get it. This is a roast.

You're roasting me.

Timmy. We've known each other so long,

and I want to end the pattern

I'm tired of having doubts.

- No need for violence.

- Let me have it!

I don't want to talk about

Celebrity Grappling, okay?

If you want to talk about one of my films

in the Lil' Stevie Cinematic Universe,

I would love that.

Hey, I'm not one of those inbred dogs

from earlier, I'm a real fan.

You are making fun of me!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What's happening?

Hey, come on, no. Guys.

Not Buscemi.

Stop, please.

Where's Thimble?

Come on, please stop.

Hey, that's my whole week

you got in your hands, man.

Not cool, bro.

I can't die a virgin.

Who are all these people?

I'm Tad from Ohio. I'm a Scorpio.

To hell with Blockbuster!

So, on the bright side,

you got pretty riled up

when Lil' Stevie sucker punched me,

almost as if you kind of cared

about your old dad.

Of course I do.

Why did you get so pissed earlier?

Out of nowhere.

When I thought things were good for us.

Because I care about this stupid place

for some reason,

and I was mad

when Stevie was ruining everything and

I took it out on you

'cause they say you take things out

on those closest to you.

And I guess that's you or whatever.

Or whatever.

You know something?

That right there

was the best part of my year.

I feel like this is a bad one

Racked up too many mistakes ♪

It's gonna be okay. We can clean up.

Get everyone to pitch in and we'll keep

What's the point?

I put everything I had

into this cursed monkey paw of a store

because it's the only place

that's ever felt like home.

The only place

I ever felt like I belonged,

and it's not either

of those things anymore.

There's a reason

over 9,000 Blockbusters have closed.

I was an idiot to think

this would be different.

I'm done.

Done caring about anything.

I'm not buying another reindeer.

I still don't know what that means.

Timmy?

I'm sorry.

Oh, my God.

Had my heart for over three years

♪ Don't think you understand ♪

Probably take double that to see clear

♪ Keeping up, being part of my plan ♪

♪ Oh, you don't know ♪

♪ How this goes ♪

♪ If I'm being honest, yeah ♪

It might take a little longer

♪ For us to be cool again ♪

It might take a little longer

♪ For us to be cool again ♪

I know I said

♪ We'll be fine ♪

But that was then

♪ And it's a lie ♪

It might take a little longer

♪ For us to be cool, cool, again ♪