01x06 - Parental Control

[bunniefuu]

Okay, Aaron's on his way to Chad's

to play poker.

My Postmate is on his way to Sandwich Hell

to pick up my Monte Anti-Cristo,

and Mommy's on her way

to having the best night of her life.

I cannot wait to watch that

Sorry, TV and a sandwich

is the best night of your life?

What's rock bottom?

Not just any TV.

It's that new Korean show

everyone's talking about.

Trout Royale? Oh, so good.

Who knew there are so many items

in an orchestra to strangle someone with?

No. No spoilers.

I avoided social media for a week

just so I can binge the whole thing

once I got the house to myself.

Sometimes you just need to kick back

from the nagging husband.

Am I right, Con?

Totally.

I tried doing a Solo Sunday once a month,

but just ended up inviting Raul.

Kind of funny that you moved back in

with Aaron less than a month ago

and you need a break.

[chuckles weakly] Yeah, it's hilarious.

Hey, Con, we got any copies

of Stand and Deliver?

This guy is subbing for Mrs. Hollinger,

who was my eighth grade math teacher.

She's taking her first day off

in 20 years.

She got arrested,

but I'm glad she's getting a breather.

Stand and Deliver,

three copies, Latin Classics.

Nope, all rented out.

Why is Scarface here?

Pacino is doing full-on Cuban face.

It says we have three.

How about Freedom Writers

or The Blind Side?

I don't want to

- Teach. We went to public school.

- White Savior section.

Weird, none of those are here.

Forget it, I'll just show them Titanic

and skip over the boobs.

Or not. Who cares?

You really gotta

stop putting off inventory.

I opened a La La Land case

and there was just

a loose piece of deli meat.

Arguably an improvement, but

You know what?

Eliza's right, g*ng,

we're doing inventory tonight.

Oh, come on.

Thanks, narc.

Fun.

Sorry, but think about

how much longer everything takes

searching for missing DVDs.

[phone chiming repeatedly]

Geez, your mom finally learned to text?

No, she's into annoying calls

without warning.

These are all women from the bar.

We're in a group chat.

I feel like I'm being forced

into a sister wives situation.

Wow. Guess you left quite the impression.

Just promise me you won't have 18 kids.

Well, guys, if you'll excuse me,

I am trout-a here.

I'm stealing that.

Whoa, inventory will take all of us.

Even you, Eliza.

But I'm not on the schedule

and Trout Royale

Oh, masterpiece.

So good.

It's been out for six days.

If I could go back in time

and tell 5-year-old me

the biggest shows and bands

in the world are gonna be Korean,

he'd be like, "Whoa, time travel exists?

How do we die?"

I die in Guy Fieri's

Times Square restaurant. Mm!

Yeah. Well, you're totally right, Eliza,

you are not on the schedule.

It is up to you

if you want to suggest

a bunch of work for the rest of us

then go home and watch TV.

Damn it.

[theme music playing]

[groans]

- Hey, babe, I'm still at work.

- Hey.

- What's up?

- I just wanted to see you.

- I miss you, Goose.

- Oh, yeah? Thanks.

Anything else?

What if I came home from poker night early

so we can cuddle up to some Yellowstone?

- Early? No, no, no.

- Yeah, yeah.

Come on, babe. This is your night.

You never get to see the boys anymore.

Honestly, stay out later,

you know, poker, strip club,

eat a heat lamp buffalo wing.

I do love those. [chuckles]

I don't understand the difference.

The Room is a drama that is funny,

and Room is a drama that's traumatic.

Very different films.

[as Tommy Wiseau]

"You're tearing me apart, Lisa."

[whispering]

"Ah! I'm kidnapped in a basement."

Oh, so one of them

has "The" in front of it.

Makes sense.

This is so fun, like a sleepover.

[Connie] That's the spirit.

We'll stay up late, play Truth or Dare,

someone will end up dead,

our terrible secret will bond us.

We'll eat Doritos.

No. Not the spirit.

Isn't your big accounting final tomorrow?

Tell Timmy to let you go study.

- Everyone's accounting on you.

- [laughs]

I should credit the Popsicle stick

I read that on.

[Carlos] It's fine.

I never study and I always get a B,

I'm weirdly good at accounting.

[sighs] That was the saddest thing

I've ever said.

Saddest thing I've ever said

is "One ticket for Space Jam 2."

Aw Look at the family working together.

You're making me a very proud

Blockbuster daddy right now.

How about we turn this inventory party

into an inventory pizza party.

- I'm buying. What do people want?

- Overtime pay.

Extra pepperoni will do.

- Okay.

- g*ng, little less talky-talky,

little more restocky-stocky. Yes?

- I just got off with Aaron

- How's his boys' night?

So great.

There's a chance he comes home early,

which I love, by the way,

so we need to make inventory happen now.

If we're done by 11:00, that gives me

three hours to finish Trout Royale.

- I don't think that's enough time.

- It is at one-and-a-half speed.

You were what ruined cinema.

Don't worry, at this rate,

you'll get home by 9:00.

You'll get your "you" time.

We need to stick together.

- [phone ringing]

- Ooh.

[Umma] You're not gonna believe

what your father did.

Umma, what's wrong?

My mom needs me.

Again? What is it now?

Does she need you to pick out a hat color

or carry her golf clubs?

Those are errands.

She said "emergency." There's a reason

the word's the same in every language.

Okay. That's for sure not true.

Why can't she ask your dad?

Isn't that a perk of living at the same

retirement resort as your ex-husband?

I don't understand

how that was a good idea.

My parents have

a complicated relationship.

- That's normal.

- Sure.

It's totally normal

to call your adult son over

to mediate a custody schedule

for a golf instructor.

Fine. So, I'm a good son.

They're always dragging you over there

to referee their fights.

Doesn't your mom

have anyone else she can call?

My mom's a required taste.

- You mean "acquired taste."

- No, required.

As in I'm required to help her

whenever she calls.

Come on, man, we've talked about this.

You're absolutely right, but I gotta go.

[groans] Okay, fine. Just hurry.

Without you, this will take all night.

Okay, but if you really need me back,

let me borrow your car.

I have one star on Uber.

They're not coming.

Fine.

Not that I have a phobia,

but you're not gonna give rides

to any old people, are you?

No. I mean, I don't know. But no promises.

- [car door closes]

- [engine starts]

- Timmy, take off the emergency brake.

- [brakes squealing]

So I take it this is not a real emergency?

Eliza was right.

It's an emotional emergency. Wait.

Eliza, Eliza?

The one you used to like in high school?

So she's finally decided to date you?

It only took 20 years.

We are not dating.

I'm over her. Way over.

She's married, or sort of married,

and it doesn't matter because I'm dating.

Three women I met at a bar

who all communicate

exclusively in low-res GIFs.

I'm doing very well.

Sounds more like a cry for help.

Will you tell me the problem

so I can get back to work?

Your abeoji is at his scams again.

It's not a scam.

I'm just telling the nurse I have diabetes

so I can get diabetic ice cream

instead of prunes.

Then you sell it to the other residents.

That's a scam.

It's a business,

but your mother ratted me out.

So yet another revenue stream

destroyed by her.

Appa, can you just say I'm sorry?

Wait, what's up with the wheelchair?

I am unable to walk.

Unwilling.

The years of emotional duress

your father caused me

has finally affected my legs.

- Maybe he should say sorry for that too.

- Fat chance.

It says "Sheila" on it.

It's mine. And, besides,

I need it more than she does.

How about a movie night?

That used to take your minds off

how much you hate each other.

And I happen to have a copy of Lilo and

Saw III.

We're doing inventory,

we're doing inventory.

Saw III is the best of the franchise,

created by an Asian brother.

Everyone knows that.

No way you knew.

- I will punch you, old man.

- Give me your best shot.

[Umma] I should've married Dennis.

He was the one for me.

[Appa] Go ahead. Let's see what

you can do. You know, you

- [whimpering]

- Excuse me. Are you Sheila?

- [body thuds]

- Ooh.

Okay, so just log the inventory

directly into the computer.

It should be Timmy's job,

but he's too busy

crawling back into the womb.

We don't need Timmy.

I've done this a million times.

It's the first time I've done it

after the witching hour.

- It's like 7:00.

- Exactly.

I'm usually asleep in front of the TV

having a nightmare about James Corden.

Don't let the accent fool you.

He's a bully and a menace.

There'll be plenty of time for your

Carpool Karaoke night terrors later.

Now, we need your skills.

Aye-aye, captain.

In certain lights,

you look like Captain Kirk.

[yawns]

- What's wrong with Connie?

- Her favorite restaurant is Souplantation,

she keeps asking when

"Mambo Number Six" is coming out

No, I mean, she's half-asleep.

Oh! She never stays up this late.

Calls herself a day owl,

and I don't have the heart to correct her.

This is supposed to be my "me" time.

I should be on my couch cuddling my cat,

a bag of Sour Smurfs

and Target's finest Merlot.

Is this what Cathy is?

No, that comic strip lady

is doing surprisingly better.

[phone ringing]

Hola, Papá.

Hola, mijo! We wanted to send you

good luck on your final.

- How's the studying?

- Great. I've studied non-stop.

I know all my numbers

in English and in Spanish.

[woman] Corazón, go get ready for work.

- You're going to be late.

- Come, look.

Oh, mijo, how are you doing?

Cómo estás? Are you eating?

I'm eat It's late.

Why is Dad leaving for work now?

Don't worry, I picked up night shifts.

We are so proud of you.

You'll be an accountant in no time.

I gotta go study. Te amo.

- Bye.

- Bye.

Bye, bye.

Where are you going? Connie's fading fast.

- I need you on the computer.

- Sorry, I need to study.

I'm never gonna Trout Royale.

[groans] Will no one sacrifice

for my greater good?

You sure you haven't seen it?

That's their tagline.

[man on TV] The game is death

All right, some p-corn for my umma,

your favorite, num, num, yum,

and good vintage.

You guys good?

- Yes, we're fine.

- Yeah, thanks.

[man on TV] Now your turn to choose

Where is everyone?

I can't do inventory by myself, people.

You'll all feel bad when they find my body

under an avalanche of Wedding Crashers.

I'm here. Let me help.

- Actually, Hannah.

- No

- Not what I meant.

- Don't worry, I

I just alphabetized those!

Made peace for my parents,

chugged an Ensure,

now I am jacked for inventory.

- Let's do this.

- Took you long enough.

- Where are we?

- Connie's acting extra weird,

Carlos is studying,

Hannah's doing the thing

where she tries to help

but makes things worse.

So we're right where we were

when you abandoned us.

Only, you're a lot meaner.

I'm not mean. I'm hungry.

Oh, the pizza.

I totally forgot. That's on me.

I'll input these numbers while I order.

That is multitasking. Plus garlic knots?

And cheesy bread.

It's the least you can do.

I should be bra-less

I will get you home soon. I promise.

[sniffing]

Every DVD tells a story.

What?

Good evening. I'm Regina Rosenchurch

filling in for Floy Beckam,

who is on vacation.

Scientists are warning

that an upcoming solar storm

could result in a blackout

for the entire Midwest.

Today's top story

I thought you

weren't worried about the exam.

If accounting is what I'll do

for the rest of my life,

I should try harder.

No immigrant parents

have ever been proud of a B.

I love B's, they're home school A-pluses.

Sure you can't take a short break?

A customer's deciding between two movies

Connie hasn't seen

and she's making up what they're about

based on the title.

I can't. I have to study.

You sure?

One is Michael Clayton.

and that's where

the Clayton part comes in.

Okay.

Yes, two large pizzas

I'm sorry, venti pizzas and garlic knots

- [phone ringing]

- Hold on, I'm getting another call.

Appa, what's up?

Okay there, Eliza girl.

Call me Beau Bridges

because I am making beaucoup progress.

- Okay.

- Yeah, about to grab some DVDs to log.

Call me Kenny Loggins

because I am loggin'.

What's going on?

Marvin Gaye's greatest album, I concur.

No! No! Timmy! Timmy!

Grow up!

Your parents are manipulating you!

I know because I do it to my own kid,

but in my case it's for her own good!

[engine starts]

[car departs]

Great idea.

Get frosty because it looks like

you and I are carrying this No!

Are you a 4-year-old

in a paper towel commercial?

[groans]

Connie! Connie. Connie!

Are the cops here?

No! Wake up!

You may be slower on a computer

than the DMV sloth in Zootopia,

but you're all I've got!

I'm sorry.

Sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me.

I think I just Maybe you're right.

Maybe it is weird that I'm trying

to get away from Aaron

when we just got back together.

I should want him around,

but I just can't watch

Trout Royale with him

because he prefers

I mean, the man is allergic to reading,

and I just needed one night to myself.

Is that terrible?

Aaron is doing all the right things.

He's finally thinking of me for once.

So why does it feel like

I have a Clydesdale standing on my chest?

Am I a monster?

You're asleep.

Connie, I've got your favorite flavor.

Flat Sprite.

- Ooh!

- Yeah.

So good.

What's the emergency now?

Told you he loved me more.

That doesn't prove anything.

Plus you sped up your breathing, cheater.

- That's how I breathe.

- Wow.

So you forced me to abandon my staff again

for what feels like a bet?

No. We wanted to see you.

You're so obsessed with your store.

You know our family works best

when it's the three of us.

I saw you an hour ago

and my store is a real business.

Not like when I was a kid

and opened a restaurant in our basement.

I miss Taco Timmy's.

The people that work there,

who are being more of a family to me now

than you are,

are relying on me.

I wanna be there for them,

they're there for me.

I'm sorry, but I can't be a part of this

horrifying Rube Goldberg

of manipulation anymore.

Ouch.

But you're my special guy.

Yeah. We like you and stuff.

I love you guys, but I need to

set some boundaries for my own sake.

So here's the deal.

From now on,

you have to get along on your own

and settle your own fights

without my help.

We can do that.

I can try.

I mean, I will.

Good.

And you have to give Sheila

back her wheelchair.

Thank you.

Connie!

What did you do?

What I had to.

I've got two hours until Aaron gets home.

I can watch the first and last episodes

and use context to fill in the middle.

You'll miss the big twist

when they discover one of the trout's

Ready to do inventory, Con?

Eat my shorts, mija.

["Tres Delinquentes" playing]

That's upsetting.

Oh, let me grab my phone.

Hate that.

Stick to TV, sweetie.

This is the first sighting

of this rare day owl after dark.

Now, filterless,

we see her stalk her prey.

You're bad in that.

[music continues]

Your ex had better taste in movies.

She also was a Japanese sex robot.

Sorry, a Japanese-American sex robot.

[groans]

Don't know it, don't want to.

- Don't say it.

- Come on.

You love this,

and I know you hate accounting.

My parents just got on board

with the whole bisexual thing.

I can't drop another huge thing.

There should be a holiday

between blindsidings.

I guess, but it's time you could

spend chasing your dream.

When you have immigrant parents,

you don't just chase your dreams.

They have dreams you're supposed to follow

and going to film school isn't one.

Why is no one working?

Do you people even want to go home?

Am I the only one

who values eventually leaving?

Calm down. I'm just trying to get Carlos

to come out as a filmmaker.

What's all the commotion, nerds?

Gotta be honest, love this color on you.

Carlos is afraid to tell his parents

he's the next Michael Bay.

More like Robert Rodriguez.

A lot more, but without the weird hats.

You have to choose

what will make you happy.

You don't wanna end up like Eliza.

- Stuck.

- Stuck?

I'm not stuck. No one is stuck.

The definition of stuck is frozen,

fixed in place, can't be moved.

I never stop making moves.

My life is awesome.

I mean he doesn't want to wake up one day

and realize he's out of options.

Sorry, options he actually likes.

You get it.

Eliza, I'd love to be you,

you have very comfy looking shoes and

You're great at karaoke.

Connie doesn't know what she's saying.

I'm not stuck.

Okay, I'm just building my résumé

with skills like inventory.

Didn't realize energy drinks

made you a d*ck.

[Connie] Hey, turtleneck,

you can also eat my shorts.

[thunder rumbling]

Guess who's back.

Yeah, for now.

No, for good.

I told my folks I'm done

jumping through hoops for them,

literally and figuratively.

My mom used to make me

do Westminster Dog Show drills.

Good for you

for finally standing up for yourself.

I couldn't have done it without you

pushing me to be a better leader.

I am not here to push you

or to clean up your messes, Timmy.

This was my one day to relax

without anyone bothering me.

- Some of us have lives, you know.

- I know.

You're totally right.

Which is why I'm sending everyone home,

and I'm gonna finish inventory myself.

I'm really sorry, Eliza.

It's so weird hearing the word "sorry"

coming from a male voice.

13-year-old Timmy thanks you

for saying I have a male voice.

My folks went through their whole marriage

without ever saying sorry.

It's time to break some patterns,

which is why I'm sorry

you didn't get to watch Trout Royale.

It's really good,

but I will make it up to you, I swear.

It's cool. I read the plot summary,

while I was hiding from Connie

in the storage closet.

Did you watch it with the English dub

Who'd do that?

I'm sorry I got so mad.

It's my own stuff. See you tomorrow?

[dramatic music playing]

Hate that. No, no, no.

Do you think this is a game?

[cackling]

[video stops]

It's really good.

I kind of just threw it together.

You talk about wanting to be a director,

but you're like already a director.

I guess I am.

Thanks.

All right. I think I'm ready

to come out to my parents.

That's my guy.

Carpe diem, seize the minute.

It's "day,"

but I'm not gonna seize it yet.

Come on. Call them and tell them

you want to go to film school.

It's crazy late.

I'm gonna tell them Sunday.

That's when my dad drinks.

Oh, mine too.

I give that marriage until Christmas.

What?

Eliza is a sweet girl.

That cheater doesn't make her happy.

She said so herself.

She said this today?

What else did she say?

They keep Walt Disney's head

under the castle.

[upbeat music playing]