01x08 - Squatty

[bunniefuu]

[ALEX] You know this is f'ed up right?

[RANDALL] Okay look the hoa wants us to get
rid of squatty so that's what we got to do.

Squatty is a local homeless man who sometimes
spends his days in vacant houses in the community.

All right one of the houses are for sale and
they just don't want anything to happen so

we got to clear him out.

[ALEX] So they're sending us in to clear out
some poor homeless guy so their precious property

values don't drop a few thousand dollars oh
my god karen now we're gonna have to buy unorganic

caviar it sounds stupid

[RANDALL] It's unfortunate for squatting but
unfortunately squatty doesn't live there so

we have to get him out.

[ALEX] Well it's inhumane okay who is he even
hurting by being there?



[RANDALL] Listen to me we've always been respectful
to squatting.

[ALEX] Respectful?

You don't even know his real name, you call
him squatty.

Okay I thought it was a toilet.

[RANDALL] There he is.

[ALEX] That's him that's the big threat randall
what do you wanna call for backup randa what

are you doing hey listen I'm telling you he's
homeless not the hulk

[RANDALL] Hey hey now now.

[ALEX] You're being ridiculous okay uh oh
i got it.

[RANDALL] Alex hey alex

[ALEX] Um squatty alex look i know this sucks
okay but the hoa sent us over here to kick

you out look I'll be the first to say i think
it's some [__] okay look at you you're clearly

not hurting anybody except for their precious
property values oh my god karen now we have

to buy non-organic caviar see randall squatty
gets it this is my audience right here he



can ride shotgun for all i care about okay
squatty um no man I'm not calling you that

what's your real name

[SQUATTY] Squatty

[ALEX] No your real name not the name these
elitist [__] gave you

[SQUATTY] Nut punch nut punch.

Squatty nut punch.

[ALEX] Your name is squatty nut punch?

[SQUATTY] Squatty nut punch.

[ALEX] What is the origin of that?

[SQUATTY] Squatty!

[ALEX] Oh
god

[RANDALL] Squatty.

[ALEX] Oh god randall he got the tip

[RANDALL] Come with me if you want to live.

[ALEX] He got the tip.

[RANDALL] This isn't my first rodeo with
squatty damn squatty squatty no

[SQUATTY] Squatting no water?

[RANDALL] It's not about the water squatty.

Come on look at you.

[RANDALL] Squatty no.

What are you doing?

You're naked look at you.

[RANDALL] You
want to try again.

oh no no no no damn you squatty.

[RANDALL] Squatty i told you put some clothes
on.

It's over.

Face it, its over now Squatty.

The one day I didnt wear my glasses.

My eyes.

Squatty no.

[ALEX] [__] man oh he got me right in lefty
he got me right in lefty Randall.

[RANDALL] Oh that means he likes you.

[ALEX] What?

[RANDALL] Let me get the ice.

[ALEX] [__] great he likes me.

Oh my god what now?

[RANDALL] Alright, I'm about to go in.

We're gonna get him.

[ALEX] What the [__] are you doing?

[RANDALL] Hmm?

[ALEX] What are you gonna k*ll him

[RANDALL] No I'm not gonna k*ll him.

I'm just gonna you know sh**t him with the
tranquilizer and put him

[ALEX] No no no no you're not gonna tranq
him okay.

He's a human being not an animal

[RANDALL] Listen we're gonna put him to sleep
and then we're gonna move in okay.

Alex you don't want to do this you oh you
don't want to play this game.

Alex.

[ALEX] Squatty, listen to me.

I know things are tough right now okay.

This entire capitalistic system turns people
into second-class citizens for no reason other

than they don't want to sell their soul for
cash.

Now these people that own this house they
want you out of here bud and they don't care

how it happens.

Now my partner he'ss usually pretty cool
about stuff like this but today he's on some

john wick [__] so why don't you come with
me and we'll get you set up somewhere safe

and this doesn't have to get any worse than
it already is.

Come on Squatty I need you to trust me.

Squatty?

Squatty?

[ALEX] Oh god.

[SQUATTY] Good you're awake.

[ALEX] Oh god are you gonna eat me?

[SQUATTY] No I'm not.

[ALEX] My partner Randall knows where I'm
at and you're not gonna get away with this.

[RANDALL] Finally time to eat.

[ALEX] What?

[RANDALL] I'm just joking i heard you in the
back room.

[ALEX] Great today you get a sense of humor.

[SQUATTY] David Squattington but probably
know me as squatty.

[ALEX] Yeah you punched me in the nut.

[SQUATTY] Only once?

I must have really lied to you.

[ALEX] Twice

[SQUATTY] Sorry about that um I've been living
with schizophrenia for about five years homeless

for about three.

Things were going okay until i lost my job
couldn't afford the medicine lost my house

i was bouncing from jail to street every couple
of months i'd have an episode get arrested

end up in the psych ward where they give me
a bunch of pills and send me on my way that

worked for a while until they run out.

it's only a matter of time before squatty
comes out that was my life before i met randall.

Saved my life.

[RANDALL] I wouldn't say all of that buddy
um i met david about a year ago when he was

uh squatting in one of the houses which actually
was quite helpful because he kept it pretty

tidy and then he just moved to another house
when one got sold.

three months later, i met squatty.I tried
to do whatever i could to help the situation

you know i gave him money just anything to
get david back to normal but lucky enough

it was early on in the situation and the medication
kicked in fairly quickly so

[ALEX] Wow that's actually really amazing
randall.

[RANDALL] yeah i mean i would have told you
to plan but you just you know kept on ranting

and you're brazen actions

[ALEX] First of all what rants?

okay what brazen actions right

[RANDALL]yeah

[ALEX]so what are we gonna do with squatty?

[RANDALL] It's already handled.

[ALEX] He can't stay here, this place is already
sold.

[RANDALL] We got a new house that's sold i
always got my buddy covered

[ALEX] And when were you gonna tell me this
plan right when i shut up

[SQUATTY] that's right

[ALEX] y'all [__] you know i really gotta
hand it to randall really stepped up his game

it's especially impressive knowing how much
we get paid and his actions may have inspired

me to do a little good you know it's surprising
that with today's online threats some organizations

don't use very secure passwords some hoas
even keep an admin password and with that

information someone could theoretically divert
a few thousand dollars from the budget each

year into a fund set up to purchase medications
for david and people like david let's just

say david's gonna be taken care of for quite
a long time theoretically