01x05 - The Code Brown Caper

[bunniefuu]

Mr. Keen, Mr. Keen, Mr. Keen.

You disappoint me.

I-I... thought it was California rustic.

You thought?

Okay.

That's not even my paint, uh...you know I-I-I
got it from a friend.

Oh...

You know technically this isn't even my house?

Oh.

The bank still owns it.

The bank still owns it... how convenient.

I'm sorry I tried mixing it from watching
youtube videos.

Okay.

Almond milk prices keep rising, my wife won't
drink regular!

She claims it's because of gluten I keep telling
her milk doesn't even have gluten!

Relax okay everything's gonna be all right
there's a lot of programs out there to help

you, you know like Angie's list or you can
go to hardware stores they'll help you out

you know?

Trust me you can do this!

So I'm just gonna go ahead and give you that
there.

I'm sorry I'll I'll I'll do better

I know you will, you don't have a choice

His door was the wrong shade of brown?

Okay in the realm of things that matter, how
is that even in the top billion?

The rules are the rules, Alex.

Well the rules are stupid.

[Over Radio] All units...report of a Code
Brown...at 3435 Pine Lane...respond?

Thats us...

We're on it.

Get ready, get ready, get ready, get ready...

So what exactly is a cold brown, Randall?

Shhh...hey, stay behind me man.

There!

What is it?

Is it serious?

Are we gonna die?

HEY! calm down, man.

Alright, jus...OH.

Come on, come on, come on

What the [__] man?

It's [__] Randall?

We ran over here for [__]?

Yeah.

It's [__].

They got to change that code name, man.

Code brown sounds like a t*rror1st attack
or something...- not that t*rrorists are always

brown, uh anybody can be a t*rror1st.

Statistically speaking they they usually look
like me... um domestic terrorism is the biggest

threat to America

[Over radio] Attention all units, another
code brown has been reported.

Copy that.

Regular crap spree, it's a crap-ocalypse.

Sorry, I know this is no time for toilet humor.

Let's go.

Here's some of the samples apparently everybody
in this neighborhood owns a [__] great dane.

What do we need that [__] for anyways?

Listen up rookie, okay?

Every residence with an animal is required
to give us a DNA sample to comply with the

poop disposal policy, okay?

I've been cross referencing all these different
samples from all the neighborhoods to get

a DNA match but so far, no luck.

So that's where all the HOA fees are going
I sent some samples over to the international

database in Dubai so let's just say it's gonna
be a while, we should hit the streets.

but we can't have pizza on Fridays?

I'm just saying we can afford DNA databases
but we can't afford snacks for the breakdown

or a break room, for that matter?

You know I ate my lunch on somebody's recycling
bin the other day for crying out loud...

Get on up here...

Ohh

What the [__] was that?

oh... this is the freshest sample, yet.

Okay.

Freshest?

Yeah you don't smell that?

You mean that...

All right, don't spin Don't whip too much.

When i find the [__] who do this I am gonna
rub their nose it's just [__]

[Zoey] Alex?

Hey it's Zoey from high school Zoe was president
of the science club, Spanish club, and drama

club... not to mention captain of the Basketball
team and debate team.

Who's also the star of most of my wet dreams
since i was 13.

You guys can edit that, right?

Zoe

Yeah

Oh my god it's been forever.

How are you?

I'm good I graduated, just trying to figure
out my next move.

Yeah nice, same.

Same.

Yeah, where did you end up going to schoo?l

Uh I started at tech and then we mutually
agreed it would be best for me to come back

when I felt like doing the work.

Oh yeah, I didn't know you lived around here...

Oh yeah I don't, my parents do.

I'm just visiting

[Randall] oh no no no no.

I don't know if you're like this uh child
actress or something, but you can't break

the rules like that.

You can't use the community amenities without
permission.

[Alex] She's she's fine, I'll handle it.

No, I'll handle it not taking the privilege...-
[Alex] I'll handle it it's okay.

She's fine.

[Randall] Okay I'll be right back.

Yeah, take your time.

She better be gone...

I didn't know that you worked here.

I don't, why... why...why would you say that?

Your shirt.

This shirt? uh it's I'm just trying it out...
you know what I mean?

Kind of like a undercover boss situation I
kind of run this whole street really...-if

you didn't stop, we'll do it later, we'll
do it later

[Randall] It's gonna dry up!

[Over Radio] Attention all units, we have
a potential code brown in progress near south

bound...

Okay, alright, wrap it up!

Rapido.

[Zoey] Code Brown...oh that sounds important,
what is that?

It's uh...

It's a t*rror1st attack.

Really?

oh my god!

mm-hmm, mmhmm, we could die, potentially.

Well I'm not even scared.

[Randall] hey, hey, it's drying up, it's drying
up, it's

[Alex]...it'll be fine though, but I guarantee
it'll still be there.

[Randall] Come on... okay.

[Zoey] Drying up?

What's that?

The-the-the leads will dry up, we won't be
able to figure out who did it.

Oh yeah, okay well um yeah right yeah it was
so nice to see you.

I know...- you take care okay?

You look ...-oh god you look good...- [to Randall]
oh hurry up get this [__] off of me

[Randall] Go, go .

[Zoey] What is that smell?

[Alex] Is it everywhere?

Is it a lot?

It's a lot, but it's the right amount.

I cannot believe i fell in [__] in front
of Zoe riley, Randall Zoe Riley, do you even

understand what this means for me? as a person?
as a man?

No I-I-I don't.

It means...when I find the person who's doing
this they're going to pay.

Of course they're going to pay.

I'm not talking about the fine, Randall!

As long as you don't physically harm anybody
you know we just...-wait ...-what is Ms Cooper

doing over here?

She lives off of Oak street.

I'll tell you what she's doing.

What?

She's leaving [__] on the lawn to embarrass
me in front of Zoey-

Alex, Alex, Alex...no

Ahhh

Alex!

WOOO!

Got your a*s!

I had to pick up eight piles of [__] because
of you!

Let's see you drop [__] now.

Let's goooooo!

[Randall] oh my god are you okay?

[Alex] Woo, could have gone d1

[Randall] oh my god I'm so sorry.

[Alex] Oklahoma was looking at me for practice
squad.

What...-

Listen this is...

...- happening

[Alex]... just got a little bit of a bum knee.

[Randall] Are you okay?

Yeah, oh yeah, I'm great!

[Alex] I gotta throw baby!

[Randall] Okay, alright, let me let me help
you up

[Alex] I'm already up Randall.

Come on now.

What are you doing?

[Randall to Deborah] I'm so sorry ma'am

[Randall to Alex] physical contact or any
residence is strictly forbidden! okay?

But i got her!

Listen to me that is Deborah Cooper, you know
what?

She is a resident

[Deborah] Not just a resident, a member of
the homeowners association that hired you

Yes, yeah

HOA?

Yeah, HOA.

Ms. Cooper I am so [__] sorry please don't
fire me, I really really need this job.

I've just had an incredibly [__] day you've
seen it. and I've got bills, Deborah, you

know about bills...and they want rent like
every month.

What's wrong with every other month?

Just please.

Don't worry, I'm sure you won't have to be
concerned with having an apartment much longer.

uh-uh Ms.Cooper uh he's just a little over
anxious, okay?

We were looking for a dog around here, you
know?

You were looking for a dog?

Yes

Okay, do I look like a dog to you?

No.

Uh-huh.

No.

So if this is the level of professionalism
I can expect we might need to rethink this

entire program.

Mrs Mrs Mrs...Cooper we were going around

Go ahead and make an excuse

No and then way no no no you're

Keep it coming,

AHEM

What?!

Mrs cooper are you participating in the neighborhood
lawn maintenance competition this year?

Well of course I am, I have a title to defend.

A title to defend?

You know that's interesting to me, Randall
because I'm curious as to how laxatives may

play a little part in your title defense plan.

These...- caught brown-handed.

Gentlemen, it could be that I jumped the g*n

I think...I think...we could work something
out.

Wooo can't believe she caved.

But who the [__] gives their dogs laxatives
just to [__] on a competitor's lawn?

That is the most suburban mom [__] I have
ever heard of in my life.

I think it's a bit deeper than that ...

What do you mean?

Mrs Cooper doesn't have a dog.

What do you mean she doesn't have a dog?

If she doesn't have a dog then who's sh...?