01x07 - Krachtbal

[bunniefuu]

[Becky] You know the fridge broke again?

[Elvis] I think it's supposed to be

a hotter fridge.

- Hey, you're back. How was Vegas?

- [Becky] Hey. The ushe.

- Yeah.

- There's only so many times

you can trip on Molly

and then shroom in the back of a cab

with a pirate from Treasure Island

until you're just like, "Where am I?"

- [laughs]

- Wow!

How do you guys stay so good-looking

and party so much?

Two things, my man:

regular enemas, organic foods.

Regular enemas with organic foods,

of course.

It really works.

- Hello, Becky.

- Oh!

Elvis, good day to you.

I am so excited to be here

for this fun reunion.

Hey there, little man.

Haven't seen you guys since, uh

[clears throat]yeah.

Since the three of you

were gonna have sex,

but only two of you did?

- Yeah.

- Was it Oh, it was you two. Right.

- A gentleman does not kiss and tell.

- [Becky chuckles]

Oh, I will. If I may, um, your brother

is an excellent, excellent lover.

Ooh, is he?

His ba*ls definitely got

the attention they needed.

Please tell me

he didn't neglect the shaft.

- [Elvis] No.

- [Becky] Nope.

He was grabbing at the bottom.

Are you familiar with Go-Gurt?

- Sure, yeah.

- It's a tube of yogurt.

Yes. It was very much like using

a tube of yogurt.

Sometimes, you know what you gotta do.

- So, thank you.

- Yeah.

Thank you.

- Question: Where is Truffle?

- [Becky] Mm-hmm.

Last I saw him, he was playing poker

for 36 hours straight,

coked out of his mind.

Pocket aces! Ha ha!

Yeah! Praise the Lord and pay the b*tch!

[snorts, sighs]

There's, like, PCP notes

and a slight baby laxative finish.

[sniffs]

Last I heard, he married himself

at the Little Chapel,

and then he scaled the outside

of the Luxor, all the way to the top.

He consummated his love to himself.

[tires screech]

What the hell, man?

You almost just hit me!

Relax. It's all good.

What? How is almost taking off my head

"all good," Fabio?

[man] Sorry, sweetie.

"Sweetie."

[growls, shouts]

- [Adam] Oh.

- [glass shatters]

Hey, guys. How was Vegas?

[theme music playing]

[bottle pops open]

[slurping] Mmm!

Hey, Sarah, have you considered

seeing anyone about your anger issues?

No, what do you mean?

He's referring

to the "Hulk smash" incident

just moments ago.

[Elvis]

When Becky and I are uncentered,

we go to this little art class up

in Topanga Canyon.

I didn't go for the longest time,

'cause I was like, "I can't do art,"

but it turns out literally anyone

can make art, and it's all good.

Um, I think I'm gonna pass. I'm good.

Excuse me. Can I speak with the owner?

Hi. I-I am the owner.

Unless you're asking

about a smashed mirror,

- at which point this is Adam, the owner.

- [Adam chuckles]

Well, I am a huge fan of Rodman's.

Well, I always have time for a fan,

and I admire your exquisite palate.

I'm Adam Rodman, brewmaster.

Wilhelm Rodman, owner/proprietor.

Hmm. Interesting.

Those words are actually synonyms.

- There's a subtle difference.

- I'd say the difference

is between people who know

what those words mean

and people who don't.

[scoffs] Okay.

- Hey, Chuy.

- [Chuy] Huh?

Could we get a Weiss Power

for my friend

- What was it?

- Oh, Heidi.

Heidi.

Oh, wow, he's totally flirting with her.

- You gotta watch this car crash.

- Thanks, I'm good.

She's so his type.

I-I guarantee he's about

to start speaking German.

- [speaking German]

- Ugh.

[in English] I took German in high school,

so not great.

But my grandparents are German.

I have always said

that I would marry European or regret it.

- [Heidi laughs]

- [Adam] Oh, no!

I've never seen that line work.

They're gonna have sex.

- Shut up.

- Oh, my God.

I just imagine it. When they start going,

they're like, "Oh, my God!"

That's him. "This is amazing!

Ich bin Wilhelm!"

And he's coming, and he goes

[moans]

And he is sobbing.

"Oh, God,

why do I have to glue pubes to my face

to feel like a man?"

She's like, "I gotta get out of here."

He's like [moans]

"I can't make a good beer

to save my life."

Boom, he's asleep.

She's like, "Okay, it's over.

I'm finally safe."

And then, boom, he wakes up again.

He looks in her eyes, grabbing her arms.

He's like [grunts]

He goes a second time,

and then she goes,

"f*ck it. Let's get married."

And he goes, "Oh, okay."

This is disturbing. Are you disturbed?

- I don't care.

- Hey!

Who knocked off my mirror?

I did.

What are you gonna do about it, "sweetie"?

- I'm gonna make you pay

- [grunting]

Whoo!

How do you like me now, little red Thor?

I meant "pay for a new mirror

and have our insurance companies

work it out." [groans]

What time is that art class?

- Now.

- [man groans]

[wind chimes tinkling]

[sighs]

Is everything okay?

Oh, yeah. No, it's it's better now

that I took down the wind chimes.

- I couldn't really hear myself think.

- Oh, don't think. Feel.

- [Becky] Hmm.

- And then don't feel.

[both] Art.

It's definitely working,

'cause normally gibberish like that

would make me want

to beat the sh*t out of someone, so

- Good.

- Yeah. What are you guys painting?

The Tantric Orgasm, Number 11.

Oh, God. Um, you don't have to show

Oh, wow. That's way less penetration

than I was expecting.

- [Elvis] Huh.

- The same amount of canned goods.

- That is soup, right?

- Soup, yes. We have to do another one.

- [Becky] Ready?

- [Elvis] Ready.

[unzips]

What are you doing?

Oh, sorry.

I think you might be confused

because you're blocking my p*nis

with your palette.

How else do you think we got

the long, soft brush strokes?

[man] I taught him the technique,

but as you can see,

the novice has become the master.

I could still very much use your guidance.

- I'm happy to help.

- Oh, please.

[man] Looks like the brush is ready.

It's a hairless brush now.

- [Becky grunts]

- Some more blue. More blue.

More white, more white, more white.

Blue, blue, more blue.

White, blue, white, blue.

In the style of Jackson Pollock!

[Wilhelm]

You know, I'm not a very religious person,

but I've found that churches don't like it

when you pee on them. Yeah.

If you're thinking, "There's no way

a German priest would know Krav Maga,"

- you are wrong!

- [laughing]

Heidi.

Uncle Norris! How was your trip?

Well, my Harley almost wiped out

on its own oil leak

outside of Bakersfield.

I had to retape the entire drain plug.

I get that.

[laughs] This is Wilhelm.

You're the guy who makes Weiss Power.

Ooh, that is one darn fine beer.

Yeah, that's me. I'm the guy.

Well, g*dd*mn, you're as cute

as my niece said you were.

You can join our club anytime.

You're definitely 8-Ball's type.

Oh, yeah.

- A g*y biker club! Very cool.

- [laughs]

Okay, how about a tour?

- What?

- This is my apprentice Chuy.

Now, before we can really get

into my ales,

it is important to review the history

of beer

in the ancient civilization of Sumeria.

- Cool iron cross.

- [chuckles]

Thanks, brother. You got a good eye.

A lot of people don't care about history.

I was literally just getting into history.

Turn the attention back here.

I know a lot about Germany,

and some of my closest friends call me

a "Germophile."

No one calls him a Germophile,

and that's not what that means.

This guy's a keeper.

Actually, I lived in Germany and Belgium

for a few years,

and I brought back a bunch of cool stuff.

Can I show it to you?

- Absolutely.

- You are gonna love this.

Get them some free beer!

Hey, you guys like weird socks?

He's gonna show them

the Brandenburg Gate snow globe.

That's so boring.

I was gonna show them a dense lecture.

They would have loved it.

Muchacho.

Round of Weiss Power.

- And grab us some tacos.

- [laughing]

Why are you laughing?

Are you stupid-o?

Or do you no hablo inglés-o?

[laughing]

[continues laughing] You want a beer?

[singing in German]

Hey, there's something off

about those guys.

What? What do you mean?

They were rude to Chuy.

They were talking to him

like he was a moron.

Chuy's pretty wonderful,

but he's not the smartest f*ck' bulb

in the shed.

I'm sure a smart bulb is a thing,

so I'll give you that,

but there's something weird

about those guys. Just make them leave.

No. Don't do this thing where you try

and ruin my social life.

That's not something I do.

That's not my style.

Really? Remember when I got

on the soccer team and you didn't,

so you spread the rumor that the goalie

was talking sh*t about me,

so I walked into Algebra 1 class

and just socked him in the face?

The team found out, and they cornered me.

Okay, but you came away

from that experience

with a great new nickname: Squeaker.

It's not my fault I pass gas

when I get nervous.

I'm like a squid squirting ink

protecting itself from a predator.

All I wanted is for Rodman's

to be a cool hang,

and now that that is happening,

and you are somehow not a part of it,

you want to ruin it.

You're a jealous, jealous as*h*le.

I am not jealous!

[farts]

Welcome back, Squeaker.

I don't know. I just found art therapy

class really relaxing, you know?

Although it did expose me to a couple

Becky-Elvis images that I can't unsee.

I can't unsee anything.

Once I see something, it's there.

- No going back.

- [Sarah] Okay.

Well, I'm not completely finished yet,

but

I'm really proud of it.

- [sighs]

- [Adam groans]

Oh, my God. Did this really happen?

No. In the real fight,

I just choked her out.

This is just a depiction

of what I wanted to do.

I call it "What I Wanted to Do."

Wow. You got real talent.

What? Really?

- [Adam] The f*ck?

- Oh, my God, you're so sweet.

[Norris] I mean it. Guys, check this out.

Wow, that is so powerful.

- [Norris] How much you want?

- You want my art?

Absolutely. I'm into your style.

It's Warhol-meets-anime,

but to be honest,

I just love the fact that you're

beating the sh*t out of that broad.

- Totally our message.

- [laughs]

- Couple hundred bucks sound good?

- Oh, yeah, thank you so much.

I'll just get something

to wrap it up with.

[Adam] Probably buying it

to get it out of here.

Muchacho, another round for the boys.

Coming up.

Who wants to hear about my trip

to Belgium and the Fatherland?

[Norris] Please!

[Wilhelm] Good. But first

I'll tell you about something

you will not find on a postcard:

German people's struggle in Belgium.

I lived there for years,

and I saw it firsthand.

The Flemish and French Belgians

keep trying to stop us German-speaking

Belgians from getting our independence.

Those b*stards.

We just want to be called East Belgium.

Don't force us to be [speaking German]

- You know what I mean.

- And I'm out.

The rest of the country

treats us German folks

like second-class citizens,

always served last at Parliament dinner,

so good luck getting any eel

in green sauce.

And don't get me started on our treatment

at krachtbal tournies. Oof!

What's krachtbal?

Only the greatest sport ever played.

- It was created by a Flemish gym teacher.

- Like all great sports.

- How do you play?

- I'll show you,

the same way I learned how

to change a tire

and correctly remove a tick

YouTube.

[shouting] Krachtbal!

Hello, Internet. I am Stojan.

I know what you wonder.

How did Stojan get

this gorgeous girlfriend?

How did get Skoda?

I have one answer for you.

I invent krachtbal.

Also I am gym teacher middle school.

- Okay

- [Adam] Oh, God.

[Chuy] Nice tracksuit.

I am captain of Hoogstraten Groen Paling

krachtbal team.

And what is krachtbal? Let us show us!

In krachtbal, two teams of four guys

face off against each other

- on field 14 meters by 26 meters.

- [Chuy] Found it.

First internet video

that I can't jerk off to.

There are two kind of throw.

First is neck throw.

Two hands above head

I could probably jerk off to that.

And, of course,

a very difficult back throw.

Like so.

- [bones crack]

- [groans]

Oh, my vertebrae!

A player can score by landing ball

in goal area.

One point for neck throw.

Three points for back throw.

Time to celebrate!

Oh, I get it.

This is like a therapy session

for weak-chinned celibate dudes

like you, right?

[blows whistle]

[Stojan]

Krachtbal halftime with healthy snack

of beer, warm cheese and pickled herring.

Delicious and refreshing

like moist towelette.

[blows whistle] Super fantastic!

Best non-contact sport

with oversized ball ever.

Hey, Olympics, here we come. Krachtbal!

Seriously, what decade

was that video from?

- July.

- That's a recent video?

That game looks like so much fun.

- Krachtbal just made my bucket list.

- Man, I can't wait to play this sport.

It's like soccer,

but you get to use your hands,

and it sucks.

Classic Chuy mislead.

[Wilhelm] No whammy!

- Yes!

- Seriously? How do you keep beating me?

Sure you're not a professional cornholer?

It's not a lifestyle choice.

- God made me this way.

- [laughing]

- Another game?

- [Wilhelm] Let's do it.

Sorry, Uncle Norris. Will promised

he'd show me how to make beer.

Yes, that is exactly

what we're gonna go do.

Hey, your brother says

you're the brains behind Weiss Power.

- Thanks for making a beer for the ages.

- Hmm. My pleasure.

I definitely wanna get that tour later.

You got it. Good dude. Good dude.

Hey, they kicked another keg

of the Weiss Power.

I think I might have been wrong

about Norris. I think he's a good guy.

He is not a good guy.

[Adam] No, I think I just misjudged him.

Oh, boss,

you should have trusted your gut.

He's definitely not a good guy.

[Adam] Is that a swastika?

I knew there was something off

about these guys.

- They're Nazis!

- [Chuy] Son of a b*tch.

- [Adam] Mother

- [Chuy laughs] Oh.

- Whoops! False alarm.

- [laughs, groans]

- God, I feel bad I called him a n*zi.

- I know.

I jumped to n*zi

just 'cause it kinda looked like

Shits on a tit.

[Heidi] Are you ready

for your special surprise?

Holy sh*t!

You look amazing, Heidi.

Do you like it?

[speaks German]

Good. Yeah. Cool. [panting]

[yodeling]

- [Adam] Wilhelm, I gotta talk to you.

- What?!

Oh, wow, St. Pauli's girl!

Got a sex play that's 50 Shades of Sad

going on in here, huh? [laughs]

Adam, what are you doing here?

There's a sock on the door. Go.

[Adam] A sock. I noticed,

but it's been so long

since you've hooked up

that I couldn't remember what it meant,

and I thought it just meant,

"Look, I found a sock."

- Get the f*ck out.

- [Adam] No.

Gimme two minutes, and I'll leave.

Don't pull up like it's a negotiation.

- Adam, please roll out of here.

- Mm-hmm.

Okay, but you gotta come with me.

- Okay.

- [Adam] Two minutes?

Two minutes. Heidi, I am so sorry.

Get settled in. The bed is very comfy.

Uh, he's got, like,

a minute and 56 seconds.

No, it'll be a full two.

[Wilhelm]

This better be f*cking important.

I am at g*dd*mn full staff.

I noticed that when you knocked it into me

as we were walking through the doorway,

and it is important.

Norris has a n*zi tattoo.

What?

I know! Your new BFFs

are white supremacists.

- This is a new low.

- You took the words out of my mouth.

I was gonna say "it's a new low."

It's a new low for you.

It is one thing to be jealous,

but to accuse a g*ng

of lovely, g*y biker dudes

of being white supremacists

What the f*ck is wrong with you?

I'm not lying.

No, you are just pissed

that I am getting some,

and Becky doesn't wanna have anything

to do with you.

f*ck off!

Well, I'll see you

in two and a half minutes.

Two!

I bet he came as he walked away.

All right. Sorry about him,

about that other whole thing.

Let's reset.

Where were we in the beer-making process?

Come here and I'll show you.

[speaks German]

[chuckles awkwardly]

- What did your brother want?

- Nothing.

- Don't mention Adam.

- [laughs]

He thinks your uncle and his buddies

are white supremacists.

[Heidi] Oh. [laughs]

They are.

Hmm. Oh. Are you?

I dabble.

- [dramatic music plays]

- Oh.

Okay. b*tch-a*s.

Okay, I'll show them.

[sighs] Here we go.

[mutters]

I got something special for you, muchacho.

[sighs]

It's like a mountain stream for my ba*ls.

[grunts] Washing machine.

[grunting]

[laughs]

Taste my ba*ls, b*tch.

Taste my f*ck' ba*ls.

- [Adam] Hey, buddy.

- What's up?

[Adam] Oh, let me just

- I'm just so parched, man.

- No, dude! Wait, wait, wait! Ah, sh*t!

[gulps]

Ah, that's my bad.

- I, uh

- I make amazing beer.

- I was just gonna say that.

- [Adam] This is amazing.

- It's, like, musky. It's

- Mm-hmm.

- [Adam] It's thick.

- Yep.

Wilhelm does not believe

these guys are Nazis.

- You gotta help me convince him.

- Okay, I can do that.

- Thank you. I needed all of this. [grunts]

- Yeah.

Hey, uh f*ck it.

[wind chimes tinkling]

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Hey, you guys!

- How's it going?

I'm just working on my next piece.

I'm trying to figure out

if me disemboweling someone

and then hanging them up

by their intestines is a tad repetitive.

[muttering]

Sarah, your paintings

make everyone feel deeply

So deeply.

- Really? You're just saying that.

- [Elvis] No, it's true.

But the feeling is bad,

because the art is scary

- and it makes everyone uncomfortable.

- Yeah.

I make people feel uncomfortable? [laughs]

You paint with your dong.

Sorry, but the group voted.

Sarah

it's time to put the wind chimes

back up.

- Oh, that was good.

- Yeah.

All right, I'm sorry, you were right.

Heidi said they're white supremacists.

I told you something was off

about them.

- You were looking out for me.

- Mm-hmm.

Does that mean that kid from my team

really was talking sh*t about me?

No, actually. He really liked you a lot.

I was just jealous,

and I wanted you to suffer. Yeah.

You have some hair in your teeth.

- Hair?

- [Wilhelm] Uh-huh.

- Yeah.

- Oh, wow. Huh. Hey, you got a hair, too.

- Huh?

- Yeah.

- Huh. Must be an eyelash. Make a wish?

- [Adam] Oh.

Yeah, great. How random.

Clink.

- [blows] I hope you die first.

- World peace.

[chattering, laughing]

[Adam] Yeah,

we gotta not sell beer to racists.

I mean, they're not the worst people.

No, Nazis are literally

the worst people ever in history.

Okay, but what if, like, for every dollar

we take from them,

that's one n*zi dollar they can't spend

on n*zi things?

Wilhelm, Adam, come join us!

What? Yeah, I'll be right there.

- Right, they gotta go.

- Yeah.

- You'll have to amputate that arm.

- Uh-huh.

[laughs]

I'm gonna take your Weiss Power down

to brown town, b*tch.

Yeah.

- [sighs] Oh.

- [loud bang]

What the f*ck? Did this thing break again?

[grunting]

[shouts] Aww, sh*t.

What the f*ck are you doing here?

I f*ck' live here.

I'm a f*ck' Founder, b*tch.

- We don't want any trouble man, okay?

- Can you be a f*cking ally?

- Black power!

- Too far. Too far.

No, okay, you guys gotta go.

We don't want your kind here.

That's what I'm talking about.

You heard him. Get out of here.

No, you. You guys need to go now.

You want us to leave? That's h*m*.

We're not kicking you out

because you're g*y.

We're kicking you out

because you're f*cking white supremacists.

Aren't you guys, too?

What? Why would you think that?

Your beer is called Weiss Power.

"White power."

White beer is a kind of wheat beer,

and it's the strongest white

I've ever made!

You are so done naming the beers.

And we're getting rid

of all your schwarze dong stout.

[Wilhelm] Okay.

Oh, hell no! You too, m*therf*cker?

- [Wilhelm] Ooh.

- Oh, no, it's me, Chuy.

Can you guys not see me?

Oh f*ck, I'm a ghost.

[sobbing] I'm f*cking dead.

I never got to eat shrimp.

I never masturbated with my left.

- [Adam] We can see you and hear you.

- Oh.

Never looked better.

- [Sarah] Hey, guys.

- Oh, Sarah, thank God you're back.

Yeah, art class finished early.

- [wind chimes tinkling]

- [soothing music playing]

- [shrieking]

- [screams] Not cool!

[screaming]

[shouts]

[whimpers]

[growls]

[screams]

Anyway, what's going on here?

Well, we're trying to kick

these racists out, but they won't leave.

They're r*cist?

Damn it. They really liked my painting.

I actually found it derivative

and fairly gauche.

Hoo-hoo! Okay. We're done here.

There's only one way to settle this.

[bones crack]

[Adam] Krachtbal?

This isn't even close

to what I was thinking.

If we win, you guys get on your bikes

and go home.

I can live with that.

But if we win, you mongrel-loving

race traitors get the f*ck out,

'cause this is our new clubhouse.

Okay.

Let the first krachtbal game

in the United States begin!

Krachtbal! Super fantastic!

They play. Okay. [blows whistle]

Yay!

[grunts]

Score, yeah!

Come on!

- [both grunt]

- [Adam] Oh, Will

Thought you people

were supposed to be fast.

I mean, I was before I was a Founder.

Try drinking 17 beers a day

and see how fast you run.

Gimme the ball!

- Go! Let's go, Will.

- [Sarah] You got it!

[grunts] Here we go! Hey, Chuy, here!

- [man] That's it!

- Ha ha! Yeah!

- [Wilhelm] Come on!

- [Sarah] Will, you suck!

Whoo! That is some bad krachtbal.

- [Norris humming]

- [Adam] Very bad, Will.

- Your ball, chumps.

- [Matt] Superior race, my a*s.

- [bones crack]

- [groans] f*ck!

[blows whistle] Injury timeout!

Get this man a beer!

He hurt his vertebrae.

- [groans] Sub! Sub!

- [Sarah] What?

- I don't even know how to play.

- So figure it out.

Go, go, go!

[grunting]

- Hey, hey, hey, yo! I'm open!

- [Sarah] Chuy!

[Chuy shouts]

[Wilhelm] Right here, Adam!

- [shouting]

- [cheering]

[Sarah] Go, Team Rodman!

Dumb! I hate it. It is dumb. It is dumb.

- I hate those m*therf*ckers.

- Come on, guys, we gotta take 'em down.

After we take a quick snack break to have

some traditional sardines I brought.

No!

Look, we're only down two.

A three-pointer will win it for us.

I'll take it.

- No, you suck.

- No, you suck.

- What's up?

- Tight.

God. That was hurtful

and seemingly rehearsed.

- No.

- Nope.

- Hey, Sarah, you got it.

- What? I don't how to do it.

This game doesn't make sense,

like a Japanese game show.

The three-point shot is when you flip

the ball over your back.

It's just like the judo flip

you did last week.

Okay? You got this.

- Ready? One, two, three.

- [all] Rodman's!

- What were we supposed to do?

- I guess just saying "Rodman's."

[Matt] Let's go, boys!

- Come on!

- [Sarah] And girl.

- And girl.

- Beat those inbred banjo f*ck!

- [Chuy] Rejected!

- [Sarah] Nice! Nice, Chuy!

[grunts]

No, anyone but Will! Oh, God.

You gotta pass it away!

- You suck!

- [Wilhelm grunts]

No, anyone but him!

Don't sh**t, Will!

[Chuy] Hey, I'm open. Pass it!

[Wilhelm] Ha ha ha! Oh, sh*t!

[Wilhelm] Sarah!

[shouts]

[farts]

[shouting]

- [Adam] Yes!

- [laughing]

I did it!

- Yeah! Yeah, you did!

- Son of a b*tch!

[cheering, laughing]

[shouting]

Best krachtbal game ever, okay?

[grunts]

- [Chuy] Brown lives matter, too!

- [Adam] Ha ha! Nazis lose!

How does it feel to lose

to a black guy and a Latino?

- And a girl!

- And a Jew! Just go with it.

Don't worry about them coming back.

They love Weiss Power so much,

Will and I gave 'em a roadie.

In their fuel tanks.

[laughs] Huh.

I have another hair in my tooth.

Wait. I think I do, too.

Yeah, you guys drank my pubes.

[laughing]

The end!

[theme music playing]