01x08 - Re-Wedding Crashers

[bunniefuu]

[SHIVERS]

I'm freezing!

Can I have a Popsicle?

No way.

You had enough sugar at the school fair.

And it's tub time.

Why do I have to take a bath?

Lulu's the one who had an accident.

It's okay, Lulu.

I'm the one who gave

you huevos rancheros.

Oh, no. Did Lulu have an accident?

Uh, no, Mom. We're throwing her away.

Jo!

Hey, how's that bath coming?

It's not. The water won't get hot.

Oh, that explains it.

Explains what?

Oh, the final notice you

got from the gas company.

What?

They shut off our gas

during a freak cold snap?

Bill! Did you pay them?

Uh, no, you pay the gas.

I pay the electric.

- No.

- Yes!

I came up with a song

just to remember it.

Jo and Bill, Jo and Bill ♪

Which one pays the electric bill? ♪

Crap. That's as far as I got.

It's fine. I will just

call them and tell them

that we're not broke, just disorganized.

Come on, Lulu.

Mommy wanted new kitchen towels anyway.

Oh, look at this.

A card from Grandma Pam. Huh.

None of us have a birthday coming up.

Hey, do you think your mom

is finally getting a little,

you know, forgetful?

I hope so.

My mother is so overbearing.

You have no idea what it's like.

Sounds rough.

Operator.

Operat

Ugh! Stupid gas robot.

Ooh! Check for 10 bucks.

"Happy 10th anniversary,

William and Josefina."

Wait. Jo, that's us.

Oh, my God.

Our 10th anniversary!

It was two weeks ago!

A 95-year-old remembered, and we forgot?

How is that even possible?

EMILY: The tub is about to overflow!

Shut it off!

No, not the gas. Not the gas!

Okay. Here we go.

"Rodriguez-Ryan Wedding, 2010."

Hey, Emily, you want to watch

Mama and Daddy get married?

Yeah!

[SEAGULLS CRYING]

Huh? That's not Daddy.

[CHUCKLING] It is.

Daddy used to have hair.

Emily, sweetie,

life will take everything

that you care about

and destroy it.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Why is the man speaking Spanish?

Because we got married on

a beach in Puerto Rico.

Yep. Still no idea what I agreed to.

We wrote our own vows,

but we didn't get to

read them because

[THUNDER CRASHES]

- [SIGHS]

- A tropical storm hit the beach.

[SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

- [CHICKEN CAWS]

- Aah!

Oh, tell me this isn't "Jurassic Park."

I haven't seen it yet!

No, Mom. It's our wedding video.

Want to watch with us?

No, thanks.

Not being there once was enough for me.

Why weren't you there, Grandma?

Ask your parents.

Because, sweetheart, we eloped.

What's "eloped"?

It's something criminals do to

hurt their parents' feelings.

You didn't invite Grandma?!

No, we planned a big wedding,

and we invited all our families, but

They started acting like

it was their wedding.

So we ran far away,

where nobody could complain

about Mommy's dress or

Daddy's not being Catholic.

Mm.

All I wanted was one dance

with my son on his wedding day.

And complete creative

control of the reception.

Oh, come on, Jo!

Were you kidding me

with those tablescapes?

Anyway, the whole island flooded,

and we almost died.

And I missed it!

Hey, uh, that video of me with hair

do it for anybody else?

Oh.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, no.

I don't suppose those

are tears of desire?

[CHUCKLES]

Look, it's our wedding vows.

They were still in the time capsule.

We never even opened the envelopes.

[SIGHING] Yeah, well, you know,

kind of k*lled the mood

when I got hit in the face

with that horseshoe crab.

Man.

Every single aspect of our

wedding got screwed up.

- It's like

- Yeah. [SCOFFS]

We thought our

families would destroy it,

but instead, God himself destroyed it.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

It just stinks that that's

our one wedding for life.

Aw. No.

Well, one of us might die.

Stop. [SNIFFLES]

I just wish we could do

our wedding over again

and get it right.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Well, we could.

How?

We just redo our wedding here.

You mean, like, renew our vows?

Yeah, sure.

You know, just a simple,

low-key thing at the house

for whoever can make it.

We could do it this weekend.

Yeah. W-We'll keep it small.

You know,

just invite some of my brothers.

We can ordain Emily on the Internet.

You'll make ribs.

And I can give my mom her stupid dance

so she'll stop resenting me.

And maybe this time,

we could actually consummate things.

Oh. [CHUCKLES] Yeah.

What a wedding night that was.

Separate cots in a hurricane shelter

under the vague threat of death.

Mom, Lulu keeps looking at me!

She's looking at me, too,

and it's creeping me out.

That was such a great night of sleep.

Oh.

Good morning, Chuy.

Afternoon.

What?

I wake up at 3:00 a. m.

So I have 21 usable hours per day.

Okay. Um [CLEARS THROAT]

Bill and I would like to invite you

to our vow renewal

ceremony this weekend.

Huh.

Is that a "yes"?

I'm not sure.

Last time you got married,

you two left me with a very nasty STD.

[CHUCKLING] What?

An STD! "Save The Date," Jo.

Those words mean something to me.

I missed a Creed concert for you.

I'm sorry.

I know that must've been devastating.

But I was hoping

that you would give me

away at the ceremony.

You know, since Dad won't leave Arizona

unless there's a slot tournament.

Hmm.

Might be hard to both officiate

and give the bride away.

Oh, you're not officiating. Emily is.

If your goal was to enrage me,

congratulations.

- What up?

- Yo.

Hey, guys.

Bill and I are renewing

our vows this weekend,

if you can make it.

- Ooh.

- Oh, cool.

We can give you away.

Uh, I'm giving Jo away.

Uh

We should.

- It would look way cooler.

- Pbht.

Hmm. One on each side. Picture that.

Beefy bookends.

Ooh.

♪♪

Kids are down.

Could this finally be the night

we finish half a movie?

Nope.

We need to talk.

I've been thinking about the ceremony,

and I have a list of demands.

"No" in advance.

Demand number one

All my friends can come.

After all

this is my big day, too.

Benicio, how did you get in here?

The kitchen window's unlocked.

So is the front door.

Jo, you invite the whole family

to your wedding except me?

Benicio, you are invited.

I just asked our other brothers first

because I saw them at work.

Well isn't that convenient.

Yeah. That's why I did it.

I'll come to the wedding

under one condition

I am in charge of music.

Uh, Benicio,

you have zero experience as a deejay.

Uh, false.

I deejayed the wedding

when my two ex-wives married each other.

Wait, that that That happened?

Yeah.

It sucks, but at least my kids

got to keep the same stepmoms.

What a sweet fairy tale

for our [CHUCKLING] times.

Hey! The door is unlocked.

So is the kitchen window.

Brie, what is all this?

The food, silly.

The wedding's a huge opportunity

for my catering business.

What catering business?

Well, I just started it two hours ago.

Look, Brie,

I was actually just planning

on cooking some ribs.

Ribs?! Oh, Bill, you can't serve ribs.

I have out-of-town guests.

Sandy, can you help me with this?

I'm sculpting a Jo out of pâté.

Ooh. I'll do the boobs!

This is spiraling out of control.

We've got to draw a

line with these people.

♪♪

We had to make some room,

so we put a lot of your food outside.

It's still snowing out.

It should be fine.

This is the pattern for Jo's dress.

Oh, we could totally

knock that out tonight.

Come over. We'll do a sleepover.

I don't want to wear a dress.

I'm wearing jeans.

Mm, jeans. I don't know.

It's a pretty formal ceremony.

Chuy read it to me earlier.

Hey, is anybody even listening to us?

[WHISTLES]

Picture Jo in all gingham.

No, don't!

And Bill in matching gingham.

Oppa gingham style.

Hey, sexy lady! Whoo!

Your wedding is going to be so great

now that we have taken the wheel.

[BLEEP] "Oppa gingham style"?!

Now I remember why we eloped.

[SIGHS]

I hate our new wedding.

Yeah, me, too. It sucks.

'Cause it's not our wedding,

it's their wedding again.

Do we just grab the kids and elope?

Babe, I love that idea, you know?

Just ditch everybody all over again.

[CHUCKLES] Okay.

Tomorrow morning, we wake up and drive.

BENICIO: Where are we going?

If you want, we can leave right now.

I'm wearing everything I own.

♪♪

- Bill. Bill, wake up. Look!

- [GROANING]

It snowed 6 feet last night!

Aw, man!

All the roads are closed, and

and more snow is coming.

[SIGHING] Ohh. My

mom is still at Chuy's.

- You think she's okay?

- [SCOFFS] Please.

She's probably way better over there.

They like her stories.

Well, I guess we can't elope.

Our first wedding gets rained out,

and then this one gets snowed out.

Clearly, God does not want us married.

But hey

If we're snowed in

Then they are, too.

Oh, hold on a second. This is great.

I mean, we get all the credit

for inviting our families

without actually seeing them.

Yes!

Oh!

- Let's get remarried, baby.

- Aww.

Um [CLEARS THROAT]

Listen, are you gonna

brush your teeth first?

I mean, I will if you will.

But if you're not gonna,

then I won't bother.

Okay, Emily. Time to marry us.

I thought weddings were

supposed to be special.

This is special.

But no one's here,

and you're wearing jeans,

and Dad's breath stinks.

I mean, this does feel a little low-key.

[SIGHS]

No! It's perfect.

We are here together

with the children we created

in the home we made.

Okay. Yeah. You're right.

Emily?

We are gathered here today

[RUMBLING, CHAINS CLINKING]

What is that? A Russian fighter jet?

Are we getting "Red Dawn"-ed?

- It's our company truck.

- [AIR BRAKES HISS]

What? How? The roads are closed.

Well, they've hooked up a snow plow,

and our family is crammed inside!

Okay, Jo. Come on! Come on.

Let's finish really fast

before they can ruin it.

I do. Do you

[BOTH GROAN]

- Oh, good! You made it!

- Hey.

Well, now that

you're all here, let's go!

Not yet! I have to butterfly the lamb.

I have to steam Jo's dress.

Hey, where's your double cassette deck?

Please.

Can we just have the

simple ceremony we want?

Well, Jo, relax. You're the bride.

This isn't about you.

Did you get the Cyndi Lauper?

- [INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

- [SIGHS]

Okay, guys. Listen.

Excuse me. Fellas?

Mom?

[SHOUTING CONTINUES]

Alright. Enough!

Look, today is about two people, okay?

Jo and me.

Now, if you can't let

me marry my damn wife

who I love, right now, the way we want,

then there's the door.

I've got plenty of snowshoes.

I think he's bluffing.

Yeah, that's like 12 snowshoes. No way.

Where are the snowshoes, Bill?

Okay, fine. I don't have them.

Why can't we just get

married the way we want?

Because yours isn't very special.

And it's it's just not sexy.

Do you even know how fragile love is?

Yes.

Then act like it.

You know,

we have put in a lot more effort

than you guys.

I made a dress.

Brie cooked a feast.

Benicio brought music.

And the twins created

an ambitious piece of choreography.

And what did you do?

Move the couch?

Bill, can I talk to you for a second?

[SIGHS]

I hate to admit it,

but they did put a lot of work

into ruining this for us.

[SIGHS]

You know, having kids has taught me

you can either struggle for what's right

or just go limp and finish sooner.

Mm.

I want this to be over. Let's go limp.

Perfect.

It's every man's dream to

go limp on his wedding day.

Hey, guys.

You win, okay? Is everybody happy?

[ALL CHEER]

Alright.

Sandy, let's get me in that dress.

Okay.

Hey, Bill, can I, uh,

borrow some clothes?

Mine got soaked

hooking up the snow plow.

Uh, yeah, well, Chuy,

we're not exactly the same size.

Pbht! Come on, man. Yeah, we are.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS]

♪♪

Wow. Great dress.

We decided against gingham.

We didn't think Jo could pull it off.

This is where we were

going to do a backflip.

Instead, we honor your wishes

with a tasteful cartwheel.

Okay, everybody.

Thank me for being here.

The bride and groom will now

read their original vows.

So really? That's it?

You're done?

Today isn't about me.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Bill

I promise to cherish

every single moment.

Jo

I pledge you everlasting patience.

- Pbht!

- [BOTH LAUGH]

What childless idiots wrote these?

We knew nothing.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Should we just hit the big stuff?

Okay. Deal.

Ah.

Bill

I promise to love you

with my whole heart.

When you laugh, I will laugh with you.

And when you cry

I will laugh at you.

Jo

I promise to always be by your side

until you turn to me and say,

"That's enough."

Then

Then I will leave.

[CHUCKLES]

Now?

Now, sweetie.

Um [CLEARS THROAT]

Look, you deserve more

than I could ever give you,

but, uh, I went and

got you something anyway.

[GASPS]

Figured your ring could

use a little updating.

[CHUCKLES]

Bill.

It's beautiful.

I didn't get you anything.

Oh.

Ah, no, no, no, you know?

Looking like the thoughtful one

- is the greatest gift of all, so

- [CHUCKLES]

You can kiss my mom now.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Okay!

Here we go!

[GASPS]

Finally.

I'm turning this ship around.

[LIONEL RICHIE'S "ALL NIGHT LONG" PLAYS]

♪♪

Whoa-oh, oh ♪

Well, my friends, the time has come ♪

Raise the roof and have some fun ♪

Throw away the work to be done ♪

Oh, wow, Mom. You can really move.

The rumba never leaves you, Bill.

That's why Castro lived so long.

Oh.

I hadn't heard that.

I'm so happy for you two.

I'm so glad I got to see it.

Me too, Mom.

It wouldn't have been

the same without you.

Fiesta, forever ♪

Come on and ♪

May I cut in?

He's all yours.

All night ♪

All night ♪

- All night ♪

- All night long ♪

This wedding is kind of perfect.

In a weird way.

Uh, what's weird?

That our guests showed up in a snow plow

and your brother's wearing

my clothes, including my underwear?

[LAUGHS]

- No, I expected that.

- Oh.

But

that our annoying family

was actually right about everything.

The dress, the food, the music.

Yeah, that is freaky

to think about, yes.

Let's never admit it to them.

Never.

Hey.

We got a good family.

Great family.

Uh, may I cut in?

Uh, no.

[LAUGHS]

Way to parti' o we goin',

♪ oh, jambali ♪

♪ Tom bo li de say de moi ya ♪

Hey, just so you know,

the truck is out of fuel,

so we're probably all stuck

here for the next week.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah ♪

Have a great night!

Congratulations!

♪ Unh, all night long ♪

♪ All night ♪

- All night ♪

- All night ♪

♪ All night long ♪

♪ All night ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

- All night long ♪

- All night ♪

♪ All night ♪

♪ All night ♪

- All night long ♪

- All night ♪

♪ All night ♪

♪ Whoa ♪