01x06 - You're Doing It Wrong

[bunniefuu]

- [HORN HONKING]

- What's happening?

Well, either my brother's here

to pick up the daughter we

accidentally brainwashed,

or your mother's here with

her weird new boyfriend,

or someone's stealing our car.

[HONKING RHYTHMICALLY]

Don't bother making me

breakfast. I'm not coming in.

Chuy, I'm sorry.

I was just trying to help Marta.

I never meant for her to run away.

Aw, there's no need to apologize.

You've just undone 15 years of parenting

and destroyed our whole family.

All I said is she's old enough

to start thinking for herself.

You are no longer welcome

to buy Herbalife supplements from me.

Hello, Chuy. Brie.

M'lady.

Oh, this isn't a pick-up.

It's a drop-off.

Marta's yours now.

What?

Marta, you think

you know better than us?

Yes, I do.

- [CHUCKLES]

- Huh.

Then I'm gonna send you into the world

the same way my parents sent me.

This is a bag of undies.

I-I think we're all

overreacting here, huh?

Maybe we should talk about this.

[SCOFFS] Your words

have done enough damage.

Well, they were kinda Jo's words,

but okay.

I have nothing to say to my parents.

I'm done living by your rules.

Yeah, well, at least we have rules!

Hey, we have rules.

[VEHICLE APPROACHES]

Sandy!

Sandyyyyy!

How are we now in

"Streetcar Named Desire"?

Get a load of me, gals.

Dave bought me chaps.

I'm his old lady now!

Brie, set the GPS to church.

Hey, Bill, you're really in it, huh?

Yes, Dave.

- Yes, we're, uh, "in it."

- Yeah.

I dropped Marta off at her

6:00 a.m. swim practice.

Hey, uh, just checking.

Is this my life now?

Just till she goes to college.

Do we have to pay for that?

Mommy, why does Marta live here now?

Because her and Tío Chuy

are kind of having

a bit of a tough time.

Why?

Because sometimes people who

love each other disagree.

Why?

Because we kinda took a

huge swing and whiffed.

Why?

Because we don't know what we're doing.

Why?

[SIGHS] Someone please end this.

Why?

Don't mind us, folks.

We're just swinging by

so Dave can whiz, blaze,

and prime his insulin pump.

[BAG THUDS]

Is this our room?

No, Dave. This is the kitchen.

Dave's gonna stay with us for a while.

Uh, Dave's gonna l-li live here?

Why?

Yeah, why?

Because of you, Bill,

we have rekindled a love

that we thought was lost forever.

Way to go, Bill.

See, the last time we split up,

I went off to Vietnam.

Oh, wow. Sorry, Dave.

I-I-I didn't know you served.

Oh, no, no. No stolen valor here.

No, no, I-I went to Vietnam

to avoid the draft.

You think about it.

Where's the last place they'd look, huh?

Okay, see ya later.

We have to buy some

mice for Dave's snake.

Mm.

Okay, wait. Uh, Mom, hold on a second.

We need to talk about Dave living here.

Oh, sure, Bill, you

You got a man cave

where we can chop it up?

Look, man, I'm gonna

Gonna get right to it.

Um, nicotine patch?

- I'm good, thanks.

- Okay.

Ahhh.

Leaving your mother was the

dumbest thing I ever did.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

I find that hard to believe.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, but it seems like

the universe wants us to be together.

I actually had an ayahuasca trip

in which she gave birth to me.

Okay, well, that does not mean

that you need to move in after two days.

[LAUGHS] Aw, man, come on.

Who's counting the days?

It's fate. I mean, you called me

to fix a busted sprinkler.

Instead, you fixed me.

You You charged me for an estimate.

Son, I'd like to ask your blessing

to propose to Mom.

N-No. What? No, no, no, no. No. No way.

Lookit, Junior,

I never do what I'm told.

I mean, I came out of

my mama holding a bass,

and I've been jamming ever since.

Look, you're the one who "played God"

and arranged for your

mom and Dave to meet.

You started it.

Okay, well, now I want to stop it.

He's not good enough for her.

Sure, but maybe he is good for her.

I mean, I haven't seen her this happy

since Joy Behar got a new haircut.

Okay, this is your stop.

I would appreciate a five-star rating.

[SEATBELT CLICKS]

Hey, uh, you gonna talk

to Chuy about Marta?

Oh, I doubt that'll come up.

- Ugh. Today's gonna suck.

- Mm-hmm.

But we're doing a good

thing taking in Marta, right?

Hey, um, can I be honest

and constructive real quick?

[INHALES SHARPLY] I should go in.

No, no, no. Babe, babe, babe, wait.

Just Just hear me out, okay? Look.

We don't actually know anything

about raising a teenager, right?

Skip to the constructive part.

Okay, maybe Chuy doesn't

know what he's doing,

but we also don't know what we're doing.

So what if you just give Chuy

the benefit of the doubt?

Maybe you should give your

mom the benefit of the doubt.

No, don't take the thing that

I just said you need to do

and then say that I need to do it.

But you do need to do it.

Yeah, which you only noticed

because I told you

that you need to do it.

Oh, so you're admitting

you need to do it?

W No, we're only talking

about me needing to do it

because you needed to do it first!

- I love you. Ha.

- Love you, too.

Okay, good luck with your new dad.

Thanks!

Enjoy your day with the guy

whose daughter you stole!

[SCOFFS]

[WATER GLUGGING]

[SIGHS] We can't keep

ignoring each other forever.

Maybe you can't.

Incidentally,

all of our brothers are on my side.

Yeah, saw the Twitter poll.

"Incidentally,"

how long are you planning

on leaving your kid with me?

I don't know.

You know, I have three kids.

Marta only has one dad.

Sounds like she should be coming to me.

Hey, I heard you gave

Marta some terrible advice

and messed up her life.

[TAB POPS]

Who said that?

Chuy said we can't say.

Get the hell out of here, you bozos.

Okay.

We gotta go meet the new clients anyway.

Why are they meeting clients?

Because I don't trust you to do it.

You'll steal their children.

Chuy, come on.

A doughnut?

Great discipline.

Hey, is Marta even getting

any greens at your house?

For someone who doesn't seem to

care about his daughter very much,

you sure do care about your daughter.

You should talk to her.

Why? Is she being a problem?

You know, Marta told me

you haven't once asked

her what she wants to do.

She's 15.

I don't ask her what to do.

I tell her what to do.

Why? Chuy, she's a dream.

Yeah, she's a dream because

I'm hard on her.

You always criticize my parenting,

but you know I'm right about this.

Nope. Wrong again.

How do you do it?

[MICROWAVE DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Okay, Chuy, just remember,

this is exactly how Dad

dealt with me when

when I was Marta's age,

and now we barely talk.

I mean, is that what you want?

Maybe Dad barely talks to you

- because of how you turned out.

- You know what?

Maybe it is better that

your daughter lives with me!

Good! Take my daughter!

I'm done with her!

Good riddance!

Uh, as you can see,

we're a family business.

Do you need help with dinner?

Nope. This is it.

We usually just eat whatever

the kids don't finish.

But

I could fix you

some peanut butter crackers

and space ice cream.

Sorry, we're not used to

having a real person here.

I'll go shopping tomorrow.

That's okay. This is fun.

It's like indoor camping.

"Indoor camping."

That's actually a nice

way to describe our life.

Yep, would explain all the bug bites.

I had the best time with Dave.

We spent all day at the docks.

What docks? We're in Denver.

I guess I don't really know where I was.

Okay, uh, listen, Mom,

I don't mean to harsh your buzz,

but don't you think you and

Dave are moving a little fast?

I know. Isn't it great?

Is it?

Bill, when your dad left,

I-I was so focused

on being a single mom,

I never had time for love.

No, I know. I know.

I-I-I just don't want to

spend the rest of my life

staring at you while you

ignore my helpful suggestions.

I want to go out and live.

Well, you know, I guess

I'm, uh, happy for you.

Space ice cream?

No, I'm not staying.

Dave and I just popped

in for a quick co-shower.

Mom! My God, the kids. Would you

Oh, no, no, no.

It's It's It's purely for safety.

Humidity gives Dave flashbacks.

To his vacation?

Oh, I've got to go.

Dave has something

extra special planned.

I've got goose pimples.

Are you okay, Uncle Bill?

Hmm? Oh, yeah. Yeah,

yeah, yeah. I'm fine.

No, uh, you know,

my mom might legally bind herself

to a 71-year-old with a chain wallet,

but I'm great.

- Hey, why are you standing here?

- Hm?

Oh, there's now one

bathroom for six people.

[SIGHS] Sorry that took so long.

I think Sandy and

Dave clogged the drain.

We're moving. Let's move.

So, if it's okay, I'm going out.

Have fun.

Uh, where are you going?

Don't tell him, Marta.

Bill, this isn't Chuy's house.

We trust people here,

and we give them freedom.

Okay, well, we trust you, Marta,

but, uh, a-any idea when you'll be back?

9:00?

Great. We will see you then.

So I can just walk out now?

Yeah. Have a great time.

Or a bad time.

Your choice. [CHUCKLES]

Wow. Thanks, Tía.

- Mm-hmm.

- See ya later.

[SIGHS]

Are you sure that's

how you parent a teen?

SANDY: Don't wait up!

Dave's taking me skydiving!

Uh, are you sure this is

how you parent a parent?

Mom, Dave!

Okay, hey, this has gone far enough.

Oh, hey, listen,

if this is about the shower,

Marta clogged the drain.

No, forget the shower.

You're going skydiving?

- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.

- At night?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Just cool your jets, Billy.

It's indoor skydiving.

At the mall.

And we signed a really

long waiver about safety,

so you don't have to

worry about a thing.

Yeah, I'm gonna take real

good care of your mama.

Uh, no. No No, you're not.

Wait, Mom.

What is it, Bill?

You know what?

Just, uh, bring a sweater.

- The mall can get really cold.

- Oh. Thanks.

Oh, thanks for the dumb advice, Grandpa.

[SIGHS]

Kids are down,

and it only took two hours.

Hey, I haven't heard from my mom yet.

Have you?

Bill, in our entire relationship,

your mother has texted me once

By accident.

It said, "I vote for Clay Aiken."

Okay, so, what's wrong with you?

[SIGHS] Look, your mom is 71.

She's fine.

Marta's 15.

She is now over an hour late.

Ah, okay. I see we've pivoted on Marta.

[SIGHS] I've just

You know, I've just been thinking about

what I was like when I was 15.

I mean, Bill,

if Marta is anything like me,

she could be anywhere.

And it could be bad.

Did you try calling her?

No, Chuy won't let her

have a damn phone.

I'm up, and I'm never going to bed!

Oh, God. I lost Chuy's kid.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

And here she is.

You know, I was never actually worried.

Oh, sure, yeah.

[SIGHS] We've come for our daughter.

Mom lost her.

What?!

S-S-So, how's everything else?

We trusted you with our child.

No, you didn't.

And why should we?

You've been irresponsible

your whole life.

I'm irresponsible?

I tried to get you to talk to Marta,

but you abandoned her.

I only abandoned her to

make her prove she loves me.

Okay, everybody relax.

Look, where is Marta

usually on Thursday night?

Helping me wrap things for eBay.

I know where Marta went.

Oh, thank God.

Where, honey?

I'll tell you if you give me a doughnut.

Oh, wow.

Imagine if Jesus

only did the right thing

when he got a doughnut.

She said she was going to

some older guy's place.

Wow. This is really high.

It's 30 feet.

- Oh.

- Ooh.

Okay, so, in a minute,

we'll switch on a

high-powered jet of air.

You'll jump into the tube

and experience the majesty of flight.

There's my Chico's!

- It looks so small.

- Yeah.

- Dave.

- Hmm?

Uh, I do I-I-I don't

think I can do this.

I'm scared. I need a minute to think.

Okay. Okay. Listen, um,

can you just give us a moment?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Sand 'o' My Heart,

if I've learned anything

in these last two days

Hang on

- [KNEE CRACKS]

- [GROANS]

it's not to think at all.

[LAUGHS]

And that's why I'm asking you

if you'll marry me again.

Uh, I-I can't do this. I

Well, marriage or skydiving?

Well, uh, either.

Oh. Well, either?

So, you could do one?

No, no, no.

I-I mean both.

Uh, oh, Dave,

I have had a wonderful time,

but this is so fast.

- It

- Oh. [SIGHS]

Well, I love you, babe,

with my entire pig-valve heart.

And for me, it ain't fast enough.

I hope I see you in the tube.

Come on!

- Nooooooooo!

- Aaaah!

- [THUD]

- We haven't turned on the jet!

- [AIR WHOOSHING, BODY THUDDING]

- [SCREAMS]

Just 24 hours in this house

has completely corrupted our kid.

Yeah, your kid.

Who you dumped here because

you're too emotionally stunted

to deal with the fact

that she's growing up.

I'm emotionally stunted?

How many jean jackets do you own?

[GASPS]

Okay, first of all, how dare you?

[GASPS] Marta, my baby!

Oh, thank goodness you're alive.

You smell like this house.

Hey, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Where's this older guy?

I'm gonna k*ll him.

What? I wasn't with a guy.

I was with the glee club.

Glee club? You can sing?

Oh.

I didn't know you were

interested in show business.

You've never once asked

me what I'm interested in.

You just tell me what to do.

Sorry I don't want you to get m*rder*d.

So, why did Emily say

you were with an older guy?

Maybe because I told her we were

performing at a nursing home?

Glee club volunteers there every month,

but I knew you'd never let me go.

Well, you know,

nursing homes have a lot of diseases.

Otherwise, they'd just be homes.

So, while we were panicking,

she was doing jazz hands.

Why were you panicking?

Because I started to see

your parents' point of view.

And we don't have a teenager.

Uh, actually,

I should get credit for that.

I said that to her this morning.

It was really scary not

knowing where you were.

But I should have trusted you.

We all should have trusted you.

I'm sorry.

Marta, I'm about to say

the hardest thing that I have ever said.

If you come home,

we can talk about glee club.

I missed you guys so much.

I haven't had a real dinner in two days,

their shower doesn't drain,

and I'm covered in bug bites.

Oh, I missed you, too.

No! I don't want her to go!

Aw. Come on, Em.

Come help me pack,

and I'll teach you "Big Spender."

[SIGHS]

Marta's a great kid.

I know.

So

you were right.

I was wrong.

Sorry.

Huh?

15-year-olds are terrifying.

I get why you're so protective now.

Jo, I've been protecting her

from singing to old people.

You were right. I was wrong.

No, no, look,

it's hard to let go of your baby,

even when you trust them.

You were right.

Mm, trust means you should let go.

You were right.

Dude, your whole life,

you've wanted to be right.

Just be right.

And the one time you finally

tell me I'm right, you're wrong.

Right, I'm wrong.

Wrong. You're right. I'm wrong.

Maybe we're both right.

Jo, that is literally impossible.

[CHUCKLES]

Thank you so much for everything,

Tía Jo.

Of course.

And, hey, I know I probably

shouldn't say this again,

but we're here if you ever need us.

But, like, you know,

don't take us up on that, obviously.

- Night, guys.

- Bye.

- Bye.

- Bye.

[SIGHS]

Well, the problem we created is solved.

Alright, young lady.

You are going to bed.

Never!

Aah! Aah!

Okay, wait a minute. He lived?

Yes, but he is in agony

over the breakup.

Of his skeleton?

[CHUCKLES]

No, Bill, with me. [SIGHS]

My reunion with Dave was like

a piece of Italian cinema

Erotically supercharged,

but really hard to follow.

But it made me realize

that I don't want to

repeat my past mistakes.

I want to make new ones.

That's great, Mom.

Besides, I don't want to tell you

what that motorcycle did to my thighs.

Okay, well, why did you

just kind of tell me, then?

Well, now that the cat's

out of the bag

Chafed to oblivion!

Ohh.

Well, good night, honey.

[GROANS]

[GRUNTING]