01x03 - Date Night

[bunniefuu]

[ZOMBIE VOICE] Tickle zombie!

[SQUEALING]

Tickle zombie!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Chuy and Brie are here.

Aw, man, I hate when people say

they're gonna come over

and then they come over.

Please don't do that thing

where the men run off and

leave the women alone.

Yeah, yeah. No way.

- Hey!

- Hi!

- Bill, outside.

- Yep.

Sorry, there was nothing I could do.

Boys and their toys.

Some alone time, finally,

with my sissy-in-law.

Tell me everything, Jo.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Um well

- the kids are doing pretty good.

- Yeah?

Yeah, that's great.

I have some big news.

I'm giving birth.

Oh, my God!

To a new business!

That's a very misleading way to say it.

I'm gonna be a She-E-O

for a dynamic multi-level marketing firm

selling earrings like these.

So, a pyramid scheme?

[CHUCKLES] No.

None of this is Egyptian.

And the best part is, I can hire you

to hire people to work for me,

and then I can be your own boss!

Bill?!

Hey, that's a cool new

Camaro there, Chuy.

Yeah, well, maybe if Brie hires Jo

in her pyramid scheme,

you'll be able to afford it.

What are you guys doing here, again?

That's a good point.

Hey, amorcita, we gotta go if

we're gonna make that movie.

Oh. Okay.

Well, happy anniversary.

Uh why would you

think it's our anniversary?

Because you're going

out without your kids.

- You

- [CHUCKLES]

Brie and I have a date night every week.

- You guys don't have date night?

- Pff!

We're married. We have a date life.

[CHUCKLES]

That's not funny, Jo.

You have to fight for your marriage.

Yeah, Jo.

Date night is how Chuy and I connect

on a spiritual and physical level.

Everything we do is foreplay.

Even this.

Right now.

Oh. Okay. Oh.

Hey Hey, I like that

Camaro! New Camaro?

Anyway [CHUCKLES]

you should join us

for a date some night.

Hey, you know what? This weekend,

we have two extra tickets for Aerosmith.

[BOTH GASP]

Maybe that'll save your marriage.

Thank you, but our marriage is fine.

[CHUCKLES] Then how come

you kiss less than us?

It's not a competition.

[CHUCKLES] Well,

maybe not when you're losing.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- No, you're losing.

- No, you're losing!

- No, you are!

- No, you are, times infinity!

You know what? Your brother's crazy.

We're not losers, right?

So long, losers.

Where are you going?

It's Friday night.

The gals and I are

going to an escape room.

[DOOR CLOSES]

First room escaped!

[LIQUID POURING]

[SLOW MUSIC PLAYS]

What's going on here?

Weird question, but, um

we're just as in love as your

brother and his wife, right?

Oh, no.

Chuy got in your head with his whole

[AS CHUY] "I'm just trying to help you

because I'm better than you, bro."

But seriously, when was the last time

you and I went out without the kids?

[NORMAL VOICE] Oh, what about that

restaurant with the red booths?

You mean the hospital

cafeteria when Lulu was born?

Oh, no.

Is Chuy right?

Oh, that would suck.

Why don't we make out more?

Because since we had kids,

at least one of us has had

a sore throat at all times.

Hey, I look at you,

and I still see a big,

sexy hunk of beef.

- Mm.

- Mm?

Well, I look at you,

and I still see a smaller,

yet equally sexy hunk of beef.

Mm.

[SLURPS]

Ahh.

I have a very

[SOFTLY] sore throat.

Oh.

- Ohp!­

- Uh-oh.

Oh, no.

So do I.

[CHUCKLES] Mm.

k*ll the zombie!

- Oh!

- Oh!

- Okay. There you go.

- Go to bed!

- Daddy!

- [GROANING]

[ZOMBIE VOICE] Yeah, go to bed.

- We are going to that concert.

- [NORMAL VOICE] Okay.

- [MOANING]

- [SQUEALING]

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]

- I need your help.

Uh, the the escape room was

a lot harder than I thought.

Patty's stuck in the alchemist's study.

Do you think they'll ever find Patty?

Mom, I don't know.

Bad news. I can't find a babysitter.

Okay, well,

I can't just start cold-calling

high school girls.

Here's a crazy idea

What if the woman who raised you

and lives in our house for free

Babysits our kids?

No. Absolutely not.

We agreed my mom is not

allowed to watch the kids

since Batterygate.

[SIGHS]

Babe, how is it that

you don't trust your mom

with our kids and she raised you?

I don't trust my mom with

our kids because she raised me.

You know, in all fairness,

"Batterygate" could have

happened to either one

of us if we were home.

Don't Please don't do that.

Don't be fair to my mom.

She's our only option.

[INHALES DEEPLY, EXHALES SHARPLY]

What if we strapped a GoPro

to Emily's head?

[LOCKS CLICKING]

You know how I feel about drop-ins.

[LOCKS CLICKING]

Um, Sandy, Bill and I were

gonna go to a concert tonight,

and we were wondering if, perhaps,

you could watch the kids?

Is that what you want, Bill?

[SCOFFS] I want whatever my wife wants.

[CHUCKLES]

Here it is.

I raised you

but you don't trust

me with your children.

Okay, well, it's kind of hard

after Batterygate.

Batterygate was a witch hunt!

We left Emily alone

with you for one hour.

When we came back,

she was playing with an

empty pack of batteries.

We thought she swallowed them.

But she didn't swallow them, did she?

Which we only learned

after a full-body CT scan.

You were the one that left me alone

in a house full of batteries.

- The

- Okay.

Okay.

Why don't we just put that behind us?

- And, um, Sandy?

- Hmm?

Do you think you could

watch the children tonight?

I'll need to check my calendar.

I think I can move a few things around,

especially since Patty's gone.

Great!

It's settled, then. [CHUCKLES]

I'm actually thrilled

that you're asking me to watch the kids.

Finally, some alone time

with my little angels.

Oh, see? This is gonna be great.

- Sure.

- Okay.

I'll read to them, we'll do crafts,

and then maybe finally,

someone will teach them the word "no."

Th Thank you. We appreciate it.

Congrats. You got that dig in.

[LOCKS CLICKING]

What does she think

we're gonna do to her?

- I

- I mean

Wow!

You look hot!

Tops to botts.

Hey, and check you out!

Oh, yeah. My old Bill Joel concert tee.

Lets people at the concert know

I've been to a concert before.

Why are you guys dressed like that?

Did you win a boat?

Actually, we are going out on a date

to prove to your Uncle Chuy that

we're just as good as he is.

Yeah.

You'll do this to Lulu someday.

But who's gonna watch us?

Heeeere's Granny!

Hey, uh, do you think

this is a good idea?

Oh, I totally trust your mom.

And I took all the batteries.

[RATTLING]

God, I love you.

[CHUCKLES]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[SQUEAKING]

Does that say "help"?

Looks like "pleh" to me.

All right, let's go!

Now, this is romance, huh?

You and me, out on the town, no diapers.

Speak for yourself.

I'm not gonna miss a song.

I love being here with just you.

Aww. So nice.

Should we get some drinks?

Nah. If I have a drink,

I'll fall asleep,

'cause that's usually how I fall asleep.

Right.

So

how's work been?

Oh. Good. Good. How's yours?

- Fine.

- Yeah? Nice.

Well, covered that.

I kind of can't remember

what we used to talk about

before we had kids.

I think we ran out of stuff.

That's why we had the kids.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm gonna text Mom,

make sure everything's okay.

Bill!

You are a screen addict, man.

The only thing that should be turned on

and touched right now is your wife!

What?

Rule number one No

phones on date night.

Oh, come on. There are rules?

[SCOFFS] No, Bill, we're just winging it

with the most important

relationship of our lives.

He's just checking on our kids.

Ohh! Rule number two

We don't talk about kids on date night.

It's just not sexy.

Alright, sorry,

we have a new babysitter,

and I don't quite trust her yet.

It's his mom.

Bill, I am doing this for your own good.

Get off your family plan

and save your family, man!

Come on.

Do you mind taking a picture of us?

She gets hers?! What the hell?!

Rule number three

Rules don't apply to Brie.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

Okay. Got it.

Would you mind taking one of us, too?

Oh, why? So you can plaster it

all over social media, you addict?

Get help!

And then Papa Bear thanked Goldilocks,

and they all lived happily ever after.

Did you like that story?

I loved it, but that's not

how my parents tell it.

[CHUCKLING] Of course not.

Your parents don't appreciate

a confident blond woman

who comes into their home

and points out all their mistakes.

Okay, well

good night!

But, Grandma, it's the weekend.

Our bedtime is not

for another two hours.

Two hours?

Well what are we going to do?

You could let me play on your phone.

Oh, Emily, I put that away

so that we could have

some time together.

You could

give me a horsie ride.

Actually, I can't.

You could give us some juice.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, Emily.

Sugar before bed? [CHUCKLES]

You are going to learn the word "no."

- But I

- No.

I know what "no" means.

I just never thought I would hear

my favorite grandma say it.

Maybe Mom and Dad, but not

[SINGSONG VOICE] Granny Sanny.

Look, sometimes grandmothers

have to put their foot down

Oh, darn it! Okay, okay, okay!

A juice box for you

a juice box for you

and a juice box for Granny.

Why is yours so big, Grandma?

Grandmas get very thirsty.

Cheers.

I'm gonna need a map to

get out of your eyes.

'Cause I am so lost in them.

We are not looking

very romantic right now.

Give me a compliment.

This should not be taking so long.

Wow.

We are really rusty from

hanging out with the kids.

Alright, see you guys soon.

Oh!

Well, Mr. Date Night feeling sleepy?

Can't keep up with us?

What?

No. No, no.

Hey, can you watch

these for a few minutes

while we go find a

quiet place to make love?

What?!

Chuy and I like to make

love without our jackets.

Well, what about us?

What do you mean?

Yes, Bill, what do you mean?

Well

what if we would also like

to make love in this arena?

Here's the plan

You watch our jackets,

and then we'll watch your jackets.

Where is any of this happening?!

[SCOFFS]

We know a spot.

We'll tell you when we're done, okay?

What are we gonna do when they get back?

I don't know.

Boy, your sister really

conked me with that block.

She's very aggressive.

I thought it would be easier

taking care of you two.

Maybe your father was right.

Maybe I can't do this anymore.

Don't worry, Grandma.

You're doing a great job.

We just like to test limits.

You get that from me.

I love you, Grandma.

Oh! I love you, sweetie.

Ooh.

Oh, Lulu!

Ooh, what happened to Grandma's wine?

Oh, my God. Did you drink it?

I dunno.

My mom hasn't texted me back.

It's been over an hour.

I'm sure she's just busy.

This is a woman who checks

her texts every 10 seconds,

even though she only has two contacts.

Okay, let's not panic.

Have you forgotten Batterygate?

Best-case scenario

She died and the kids are eating her.

Or nothing happened and

they're totally fine.

Okay. Alright. You're right.

Probably just being crazy.

But what if you aren't?

Look, if you want to go, we can go.

Well, I'm having a great time,

but you're worried, so forget about me.

Let's go.

Okay, so so, you want to go?

Well, I only want to go

if you want to go.

Babe, I am so excited to make

love in this arena, okay?

So, I'll only go if you want to go.

Just tell me if you want to go or not.

No. You tell me if you want to go,

and then I'll tell you if I agree.

Okay.

Why don't we both just say

what we want to do on three?

One, two, three.

- I want to

- I want to

I think everyone's dead.

I'm freaking out. We gotta go.

Thank God.

Hey, guys, it's your turn.

Take your jackets off.

We're gonna go. Bill wants to go.

Rule number four

Whoever leaves date night loses.

You lose!

Chuy, we don't care

about your stupid rules

or your date night, okay?

We just want to make

sure our kids are okay.

Okay. Bye-bye, romance.

There. You happy?

Now we both have strep!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

That was stupid to rush home.

Everyone's still alive.

[SCOFFS]

Hey. The kids are okay. Let's just

at least take a few minutes

out here by ourselves.

Okay.

[BOTH EXHALE DEEPLY]

I'm sorry. I don't know why

I got so paranoid.

Because parenting is hard, babe.

And we're exhausted.

I mean, Lulu wakes up

every night at 3:00 a.m.

Yeah, she's like a little Mark Wahlberg.

You know what?

I don't even want to

be like Chuy and Brie.

They're all sloppy and gross in public.

Yeah.

She had a hot dog bun stuck to her back.

This was always my

favorite part of our dates.

Hmm?

Wondering if you'd let me in your place.

I'd always pretend like maybe

I wasn't gonna let you in.

That was fun.

You know, I don't know

how you manage to be

such an amazing mom and

still be so damn sexy.

Now, that is a compliment.

- Oh, it is?

- Oh, yeah.

- Phew!

- [CHUCKLES]

You know,

I know it's hard to get out right now,

but we should at least

come out here every night,

after everyone's asleep, you know?

We could call it our

"sneaky porch time."

Hey.

We both know that's not gonna happen.

Yeah.

Hey. How'd it go?

Great!

Great.

- There was one thing, though

- Okay, get your dig in.

No, no, it's

It was a simple mix-up.

I-I was talking to Emily,

and Lulu took off

[CHUCKLING] with my glass of wine.

Lulu got drunk?!

Uh No! No.

She poured most of it in the fish tank.

Okay, so, Spaghetti Horse got drunk?

Spaghetti Horse got dead.

Aww.

Okay, well, you know, that's not great,

but, uh could've been way worse.

It definitely could be worse.

'Cause it did get worse.

Okay. How bad on a scale

from zero to Batterygate?

The passing of Spaghetti Horse,

uh, forced me to explain

the concept of death to Emily,

who then had a lot of questions

about how life begins.

So I was forced to accidentally

give your children the "sex talk."

- What?!

- Well

I tried to switch the subject

to Christmas gifts,

but Em Emily asked if Santa was real.

Well, boy, I biffed that one!

Mom, we were only gone three hours.

I know! I'm sorry!

I-I-I-I-I ruined everything.

You can read me the riot act.

Go ahead. I deserve it.

Well parenting's really hard, Mom.

I'm sure you did the best you could.

Well

I-I must not be bad, because

y-you turned out so kind.

Thanks.

- Okay. That's good.

- That's good.

This was a great night.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- Patty!

- Aah!

Three days.

Three days,

I was trapped in that escape room,

waiting for you to rescue me!

I will never forgive you!

You want a glass of wine?

Okay.