01x05 - Won't He Do It

[bunniefuu]

- f*cking stupid b*tch.

- Langston, Nina's calling you.

Why?

- I'm not talking
about him, dummy.

I'm talking about my mama.

Like, she's been staying
with us

since the tree in the yard fell
on her roof,

and, like, she's just
all in my space,

getting on my f*cking nerves.

- Yeah. Nina's mom is wild.

She be making the Cinnabons
with the orange icing.

- Hmm.
- Them shits is weird.

Like, I eat 'em,
but I don't like 'em.

- Yeah.
- Right.

- Me and my mom are cool, bro.
We like Young Thug and Gunna.

Like, she birthed me, but we be
f*cking the same hoes.

- Ooh.

- Metaphorically.

She's shy.
- Still doesn't sound right.

- Me and my mom got
a good thing going, too, man.

You know, like,
it didn't matter, like,

what my grades were

or, like, what shade
my doodoo stains was.

Man, my mama was always saying

I was the best dancer
in the world.

The best, m*therf*cker.

- You are good, though.

- Best in the world, n*gga.
- Boom, boom.

- Oh, oh, oh.
- k*ll it.

- Come on. Come on.
You smoking with a king, n*gga.

- Just pass it to me regular.

- Oh, ain't nothing regular
about me, n*gga.

Look at this.

- I gotta be honest.

My parents are weird too.

When I graduated, they moved
to LA to pursue theirdreams.

- Good for them, man.
- Oh, damn.

- I'm just saying, like,
I don't like my mama at all.

- Yeah, dude.
They beefing for real.

And she be trying
to small-talk with me.

It's like, "Damn,
can a n*gga go to the fridge

real quick, lady?"

- Okay, but--but--but--but

I think, Nina,
you should just be grateful

that you have a good,
churchgoing mother.

- Nah. f*ck that.
f*ck all of that.

I don't like nobody
like that lady,

and I'ma say it, baby.

f*ck her and that church.

all: Whoa.
- Damn!

- Lady, have you ever heard
of a bible?

- Whoa.
- Yep.

- All right, y'all ready?
- Yeah.

- You good?
- Let's do it.

- Yeah. I'm good.
- No, no, put it out.

Put it out.
Throw it on the ground.

- Come on, man.
This is good weed.

♪ ♪

- Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Who's here?

Hey.

There she is.
- Oh, that's my baby.

- Oh, Miss Noreen.

You. Praise the lord.

Oh, here come trouble.
- Ah, yeah, it's here.

- Hey. You so--how you do--

- Uh-huh.
Good to see you this morning.

- Okay.
- Have a seat, sweetie.

- All right. Okay.
- Yellow dress?

- Okay, so she trying me today.

Move over. Move.

Let's not make a scene.
Let's not make a scene.

- Jesus Christ.
- What the heck?

Are the police coming?
- Just about. Just sit on down.

You know, just--you know,
it's just some stuff going on.

She trying me.

- Oh, what a friend
we have in Jesus, right?

- Christian love.
Christian love.

- Um, okay.

Nina, this didn't come from me,

but some people are saying

you could do a little less.

It looks cheap. Like a wh*re.

I said, "Like a wh*re."

- I'm gonna take that wig off
and just smack a egg

on top of her head,
and then put the wig back on.

Make her wig get all eggy.

- Hey, hey, hey.
We gotta keep composed.

It's supposed to be a good day.

I used to love coming to church
with my mother

because that's how I found
my people.

- Choir directors?
- What? No.

- Oh.
- The gossipy old ladies.

I just love 'em
with their thick stockings

and their rumors of people's
fetishes and foreclosures.

Ooh, they're the best.

I can't wait
till they get here today.

Where they at?

- Bless your mother.

God must have been in
a good mood when he made her.

- Mm-hmm.

- It's a shame that that tree
fell on her roof.

I hate to see somebody so thick
under so much turmoil.

I hope that stress
don't make her lose no weight.

- Thank you, sir.
- I just want you to know

that I'm personally
doubling my donation

to help a legendary woman
in her time of need.

- Mm.
- Is she being comforted?

- You know what, sir? I--
- She the best.

You lucky. Be happy. Smile.

♪ ♪

- Ah, dude gotta be playing.

- You talking about
that sweaty pastor?

- Yeah, man.
All these people here.

Ain't no time
to be nervous, dog.

You gotta show up, bruh.

- Okay, Chris. I mean, come on.

Plenty of people get nervous
in front of crowds.

- Then don't take the gig.

Everybody knows only two places
Black people get on.

It's the church
and the strip club,

and since I'm banned
from Smokey's on the East Side,

church gonna have to do.

- Ah, you got banned again,
huh?

- Man, they was tripping,
okay?

Remember when Nelly slid
that credit card

down a girl booty
for that video?

- Uh, yeah.
- I did the same thing.

I used the chip, though,
'cause I'm in the future.

- So...so Chip Drill?
- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah.
Chip Drill will get you banned.

- And make your credit card
all dirty.

Smelled like different stuff

for a loooong time.

- Gross.

- Hey, I just wish
you can take her!

- Okay, what we not gonna do
is talk to the devil.

If you feel yourself
about to snap,

just mumble that mess to me.

I'm your confession booth.

- But I don't feel that
with you right now.

Like, I ain't feeling that
with you.

- First off, f*ck your b*tch
and the click you claim.

- Now, here you go with that.

- Come on.
- Like, you don't--

- Westside when we ride.

- I don't feel like it, Sam.
Like, I'm done.

- Baby, Westside when we ride.

- Come equipped with game.

- See? Don't you feel better?

Your mom staying at our house

is keeping us
from having loud sex,

and that's enough for me
to want her gone forever.

- Yeah, but I just wish

that she could just,
like, steal something,

and then she can go to jail
for the rest of her life.

- The easiest way to get her
out the house

is to help the church
raise the money

to fix her roof, a'ight?

- Yeah, a'ight.

- And if you wanna pop off,

remember, we always have Pac.

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We always got Pac, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, 'cause
that's why I like my dad more,

you fat m*therf*cker!

Gunna-ka-pow!

Airing this b*tch out
right now.

You know what I'm saying?
Where your mama at?

She on the ground. She down.

- You need to relax.

Just sh**ting g*ns
and grabbing your willy,

and you don't even
have a willy?

- ♪ Oh, ooh ♪

- Today is gonna be
a long one, child.

- Ooh, lord.

- Ain't no way

little Elray know
what he doing up there.

- Mm.
Disgracing his whole family.

- And y'all see
them big old pants, right?

I mean, come on.

He look like Donnie McClurkin
wearing a Marvin Sapp suit.

- Well, I heard someone saw him

walking in the g*y part
of the park.

- Hey, I bet they heard
them big ol' pants coming.

- Shh. Shh. Shh.

- All right, hey.

- ♪ Da, da, da, da, ba-da ♪

♪ Ba-ooh ♪

Yo, it's the collection basket
with the extendo on it.

Let me--
both: No!

- Okay.

- Touching that would be
ill-advised.

- Only a select few may handle
that which you wish to hold.

- That's chill. That's chill.

You know, I used to use these
back in the day.

- Well, I suppose
at some point you must...

both: Do away
with childish things.

- Right...
yeah, I used to hate church.

My mom used to take me
all the time,

and then she let me be
a collection boy.

That was sick. I used to have--
swing a little stick around.

Everybody was, like, all hating
and sh*t. It was tight.

- We don't give a freak
what you was.

both: Or when you was.

- Okay?

- Do you hear this guy, Mason?
- I do, Mayshon.

- Why are y'all eyes so milky?

- Why don't you go pass out
some pamphlets, you Philistine?

- We won't ask you again.

All right, little n*gg*s.
I'ma go ahead and grab this,

'cause I don't really listen
to anybody, so--

- You're too old for this game.

- It's our time now.

- Okay. Choir set the tone.

Plenty of room
to do flips in here.

It's a star-making situation.
He better k*ll it.

This n*gga.

- Bruh.

- Sit down, brother. Sit down.

No. Don't look at me.
Don't make a big deal.

I guess the Lord must have put
a little extra carpet there.

- Dear Jesus, heavenly father
in the manger and whatnot,

uh, is this your mans? Hmm?

- With bowed heads...

and bowed--and bowed hearts,

uh, we come to you today,
Lord God, uh,

and we ask for, um,
protection, Lord God,

and not--and not--and not
just protection for us,

but for all of your children,
Lord God.

And, uh, we, um, uh,
we--we do want you to--

even--all the children.

The people in Israel even,

and I--it's--

I like the new "Wonder Woman."

She's from over there,
I--I think.

she--I'm pretty sure--
I mean, honestly,

if I'm--I'll keep it real
with you today.

I--I'm a Lynda Carter man
myself,

but, uh, who amongst us
has not...

Amen.

- No.

- It's--it's--it's hot, okay?

And I'ma go get some water
real fast, uh,

and y'all should greet your
neighbors while I'm doing that.

- Look, baby, if we talk
your mom up in God's house,

she'll get out of our house.

- You're right. You're right.
We can do this.

- Plus, we gotta keep our faith
in God,

you know what I'm saying,
'cause I'm tired of finding

"Mission: Impossible" movies
to knock boots to.

- Yeah, "Ghost Protocol"
is the loudest,

but it's not the best.

- Y'all sleeping
on "Jurassic Park."

Them dinosaurs
ain't got no protocol.

- Thanks.

- My mother would never
tell anybody this.

So much pride, baby.

- Too much. Too much.
- Yeah.

She lost a valuable collection

of PT Cruiser paraphernalia.

- Tell him.
- Keychains.

- Mm.
- Posters.

- Mm-mm.
- Shot glasses.

- Mm-mm-mm.
- Everything.

It is tragic, really.

- Lord...
- Yeah. It's okay.

- Why'd you take
the bumper stickers, Jesus?

- And I know you liked those.
I'm so sorry.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- Hey, if y'all don't see me
for a while,

just know
I'm in some wild sh*t.

- Ooh-wee,
I don't know if y'all heard,

but Seymour been
messing around on Teisha.

Oh, and li'l Melvin big self
still in the eighth grade,

but his mama
telling everybody he passed.

Oh, but apparently,

Brother James got caught
in his car

with a bunch of fentanyl,

and that's why
his teeth so little.

- Dude, stay away
from those old ladies, man.

You being a thot,
and it's weird.

- Yeah, and my mama is
one of those women.

Trust me.
You don't want to do that.

- I'm not gonna trust you,
Nina,

because you and your mother
have a terrible relationship.

Everybody knows it.

Now, look,
me and the God squad, we good.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to go help them

get chlorine from their cars
for the baptism.

- This woman has
a heart of gold.

- Oh, hush, Clara.

- I will not.

My car was broke down

on the side of the road,
and it was raining.

When AAA took all day,
she rolled up her sleeves

and fixed my car
right then and there.

- That was the first time

I laid my hands
on a Plymouth Prowler.

Best night of my life.

- Wait, wait, that was also
my birthday that night.

- Girl, ain't nobody thinking
about your birthday.

My friend was left in the rain.

- Hey, y'all,
if y'all need any magazines,

talk to li'l Amira and Aaliyah,
okay?

Them girls need
to be supported.

They're trying to go
to Honduras to build canoes

in the fall, okay?

It's hot.
Is Tuan still doing HVAC?

- No, no, no, no, Jesus.
You right. You right.

But I don't got no tomatoes
on me to throw at him,

Jesus, Lord God.

You didn't give me none.

All right, well, since I can't
sh**t the messenger,

I'll replace him.

- All right, y'all,
before we get to the word,

we gonna--we gonna invite up
the lovely Noreen--

No. Noreen's daughter.
Noreen's daughter, y'all.

Yes, Nina's gonna come up here
and tell us about the situation

that her mama's going through.

- I'm not doing that.

She got a beard
and her pantyhose stank.

Do you want me to say that
in the microphone?

- Come on, baby.
You're our only hope, okay?

You just gotta think
of something nice to say,

like she didn't smoke while
she was pregnant with you.

- She did, though.
Look at my little hands.

- Damn.
- Right?

- All right. I'll do it.

- Thank you.

- As you can imagine,

Nina is under quite a bit
of emotional distress,

so I'm going to be speaking
on her behalf.

- Okay, it looks like we got
Nina's roommate

coming up here
to share with us.

Okay. Come on up here, sister.

- Uh, what can I say
about Ms. Noreen?

She's, uh, many things.
- So many things, Lord.

- A whole lotta things.
Lot of things.

She's, uh--she's--
she's present.

Very, very present.

Wherever I--like,
wherever I'm walking,

she's right there.

- So many sets
of footprints, Lord.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

There are times
when she's not present,

but I know
that's the devil tricking me,

because she shows up again.

- Begone, Satan. Stop that.

- Some nights, I lay awake

craving, yearning, howling

for Noreen to have
her house again.

I am hurting for it, Lord.

I am bursting with desire
for Noreen to have a home

or somewhere else to sleep.

I wake up wet, lord. Mm.

With--with--
with tears and stuff.

Wipe me down, King Jesus.
God, please.

Uh...

What--what--what I'm saying is,
give big

so I can get some p-peace,
or a p--

- Uh, she, uh--

uh, she worse than me, huh?

- I have a testimony,
big suit b*stard.

Excuse me.

Huh-huh. Uh-oh.

God wanted me to tell y'all

how I became
a quadruple threat,

and I'ma fulfill his wishes
through acting.

To be or not to be?

Dance.

Oh, what disciple is this?

Praise. Halleloo.

You're knighted, my guy.

And, of course...

♪ Singing ♪

You can go ahead and move,
little sweaty man.

"Deuteromety."

Why does "Deuteromety" have
nothing to do with doodoo, huh?

Huh?

- Okay.
Let's get this chlorine, girls.

We got a baptism to do.

These are heavy.
You got the big ones, huh?

A little loose here.
- Dang.

Them calves fitting to bust out
like a can of biscuits.

Mmm!
- Hey, hey, hey.

Don't get fresh, Eunice.

- Mm-mm.
- You know better than that.

Hey, did y'all see Jonathan
in there, though?

Now, why would you put on
Wave Runners with a suit?

- Mmm, them things are
looking scrumptious.

Y'all about to have
to get Langston to sop me up.

- What I would do

is have two Langstons,
butter in the middle.

Yum yum.

- Where's the meat?

- Right in front of me.

Now, stop asking
all those questions

and give Helen a little twirl.

- Come on. Come on.

all: Ooh!

- No, no, no, no!
That's enough.

- Arf. Arf.
- No. Don't bark at me.

Don't bark at me.

Okay, you've had your fun,
but--

but I'm tired and I'm scared.

Can we please
just go back inside?

- I have an inside
you can come in.

both: Oh!

- ♪ Jak is an adult man ♪

♪ Got his a*s whooped
by baby twins ♪

♪ So he threw a Kangol hat ♪

♪ Right on a stick ♪

♪ Threw caution to the wind ♪

♪ With a twist of the wrist,
he'll swing his stick ♪

- Shling! Craa!

That's what I would have done
to Judas.

And now, for a poem I wrote

entitled "Bald Samson."

Bald, but strong.

No hair up there!

It's thinning in the middle.

It's thinning in the middle,
but you still strong.

- The Lord told me
to tell this--

tell this dumb n*gro
to sit down.

Jesus said that?

- Yeah, he also told me
to stop letting ashy sinners

talk during the service.

Y'all gonna get mad at me
if I get real here?

- Get real, Pastor.

- I said are y'all gonna be mad
at me if I get real up here?

- Get real. Come on.

- Now, we all know
Mary Magdalene was a skeezer,

but her OnlyFan was Jesus.

- Praise the Lord.

Come on with that!

- Jesus clicked subscribe,

and ain't nothin' wrong
with that.

I'm saying ain't nothing
wrong with that!

- Okay?

- Yeah, I remember Jasper.

- That's looking good, y'all.
- Ooh.

- I think we did
a really nice job.

Y'all remember, though--
you remember the picnic?

- I got it from my tree.

- Do you remember
Sister Jenkins?

- Ladies, sorry to interrupt.

I--

I just wanna say
that what happened earlier

really made me uncomfortable.

- Oh, we was just
playing, honey.

- Sugar, it's just jokes.

The good lord say

a cheerful heart
is good medicine.

- Mm-hmm.
- But a crushed spirit

dries up the bone.

- Mm-hmm, and all that playing

is making my bones
real dry right now.

- Enough with
all this bone talk.

I know what that means.

Now, I'm sorry I made you dry,
I really am,

but maybe we need
to reevaluate this relationship

and set some boundaries.

- Boy, shut up.

You wasn't even
that cute anyway.

I rebuke you.

- Why you canoodling
with us, anyway?

What are you, a muffin duster?

- No. No. Don't say that.

- And coming around us
every Sunday, being a thot.

Smiling and laughing
at our corny jokes.

Yes, they're corny.

We're old and we don't cuss

and we don't know
how to open our phones.

What did you think this was?
- You thought this was a game?

We ain't trying
to play pinochle with you.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm tired of waiting for it.

I'm trying to get a piece.
- Mm-hmm.

- Coming around
in your little capri pants

shaking them calves.

- sl*t.

- Not you too, Eunice.
- Mm-hmm.

Busting in here
like the Kool-Aid man

talking about boundaries.

Bound your a*s back
to that baptism tub and drown.

Be blessed.

- Boy, I don't know
what you talking about,

but I would like to see you
in some Speedos.

- Hey, babe,
why are you so upset?

I didn't even say "p*ssy."

I thought it was
pretty smooth, actually.

- Look what she sent me.

- "How to get your partner
to lose weight."

- Yeah.

- And she put
exclamation points on that one?

- Yeah.

- Well, tell her stop making
all them damn Cinnabons, then.

- It has been
35 f*cking years, Sam.

She just chips away at me.

Every time there's a new word
for abuse, I'm like, "Oh, yeah.

That happened to me."

Microaggressions.
Love bombing. Gaslighting.

You ever heard
of shame dumping?

- I've taken a few shame dumps.

- And every time
I try to say something,

she plays victim,
as--as if I'm doing it to her.

I don't even know
what I could have been

without the weight
of this old hoe.

- I don't know
who you could have been.

- Right.
- But the person you are

is awesome, accepting,
and forgiving.

And you sitting
on a donkey, girl.

Damn.
- I am?

- Besides, God has a plan.
Your mom's gonna die soon.

- You promise?

- He missed with that tree,
but he gon' get her.

- Mm.
- And if you want me to,

I will punch her
in the stomach really hard.

Tomorrow. But today?

Let's just focus
on getting her out the house.

- I appreciate that.

- And when this is all done,

I'ma eat your butt.

- Oh!

- Forgive me, Lord,
but I have been starved.

♪ ♪

both: Methuselah!

No, thank you.

♪ ♪

- Ephesians 6:11.

God said,
"Put on all the armor."

Now, some of y'all
walking around here

with just kneepads on.

- Mm-hmm.
- Talking 'bout, "I'm good."

How you sound?

You forget
that the armor of God is free,

but you want
to walk around here

spending $200
on House of Dereon.

You got on
your Gucci flip-flops,

but you're flip-flopping
on the Lord.

- He talking about you.

- 'Cause God said
all the armor.

Put it on! Put it on!

Put it on! Put it on!

Put it on! Put it on!
Put it on. All the armor.

- All the armor.
All of it.

- Oh, Jesus.
Now I see what we doing.

Man, this whole time I thought
I was just a quadruple threat.

Turns out I'm a five threat,
and my biggest threat

is turning washed n*gg*s
into wine.

They going crazy.
Drink up, y'all.

Me and Jesus got
a talent agency now.

- And I'm gonna let you know,
you ain't slick.

I know who you are.
- Mm-hmm.

- You in the bathroom
talking about,

"Pastor must be scared.

"Pastor suit too big.

Oh, he must have
borrowed that."

But no, I ain't borrowed this.
This is mine.

I said this is mine.

I said this is mine, okay!

This is mine! Come on, now.
This is mine!

This is--

- Hey, man.
This where the printer is?

I'm a talent agent now,
so I need some business cards.

I want something that says
I'm here for business

and pleasure.

- Chris, there's no printer
or pleasure in here.

- Damn.
- My girls turned on me.

- What girls?
What you talking about?

- We were having a nice time

talking about who's going
through a messy divorce,

and then they threatened
to suck me bone dry.

I want to maintain
the friendship,

but at what cost?

- Okay, I have
several questions,

but I'ma save 'em
because you aren't

talented enough
for me to represent,

so I'ma hip pocket you.

Give you some wisdom.
Hey, listen, man.

Me and Jesus gave everything
in ourselves for the people.

What have you given, brother?
Hmm?

- Chris...that wasn't dumb.

- Mm-hmm.
- That wasn't dumb at all.

- Mm-mm.

- I have to give more.

- Yeah. Happy to help.
Now, you help me.

I'm thinking about this
for the business card.

What this sound like?
"Chris Henson.

Head hunter. Head lover."

It works on so many levels
'cause I love head,

and I'm also hunting head
as a talent agent.

And you...are not here.

♪ ♪

- Hey, what's up, Jak?

I thought we were just playing!

- That wig was a mess.

I didn't know
whether to comb it or pet it.

I thought it was gonna bark.

- It's European.

- What do you want?

- Ladies, I want to apologize.

I realize now that
I had the spirit

of the jezebel in me,

and I think it's best
I let you lay hands.

- So glad you came around.

- sl*t.

- ♪ Gonna tell everyone
he'll set you free ♪

♪ Like he did me ♪

- Oh, my.

- ♪ Hey, I'm gonna tell ♪
all: ♪ Tell ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

- Oh, we all came here
to turn up with God, okay?

But listen up.

There's somebody amidst us

going through
their own trial right now.

Y'all, help me welcome up
sister Noreen Hodges.

Now, Noreen, you know that
the donation today was for you,

and we are pleased as heaven
to present you with $2,800.

- Wow!

I am truly humbled

by the giving spirit,
the--the kindness,

and the generosity
displayed here today.

This community means
the world to me,

and I am honored

that so many of you
stepped up to care.

But as I reflect on what God
has laid before me,

I realize that I already have
everything I need.

- That's right.

- Since I can always live
with my daughter,

I am donating this money
to the children's fund.

- Sister, I just--bless you.

- No!

f*ck all that!

I don't care
if she take the money or not.

This b*tch is leaving
my house today!

- Ooh, damn.

She ain't got no protocol.

- Hey, don't talk
to my girl like that.

- Yeah!

- Tell her that my weight
is proportional

to my height, baby.

My BMI is perfect, b*tch.

- Yeah, it is.

And like I said earlier,
f*ck her.

- Yeah, and f*ck this church!

- And f*ck God!

- Oh, Jesus! Oh, God.

- Baby, let's please leave God
out of this, okay?

Just call your mama ugly
or talk about her chin hairs.

- Happily. They long.

- And they curly.

- Okay, okay. Edgy. Fearless.

Two Kelly Rowlands.

I mean, oh, this girl group
clearly has something to say,

but do they have star power?

I hate you stupid twins!

I'm gonna choke the sh*t out
of you redundant m*therf*ckers!

- Let him go, and be gone!
- Get off of me!

Gah! I hate it here! Oh, God.

- Oh, God. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

- He buttery as hell.

- I told you
you was being a thot.

[laughter and muttering

- What the hell is wrong
with you all?

Is it really that terrible,
me being in your house?

- You'll be good.

- My own daughter
treating me like this.

- I'm really proud of you
putting those walls up

with your mama, baby.

- Thank you, baby.
- And when we get home,

I'ma tear them things down.

- Ooh.

Then we can finally do it
with the TV off.

- Yep.
We can watch ourselves f*ck

in the reflection
of the black, empty screen.

- Oh!
- And you know what else?

I can always find
another church next week.

Matter of fact, I think
I'ma go morning and night.

- Oh, that's gonna be good.

- Hey, where did Jak go?

- Oh, he said something
about searching

for the Seven Scattered
Adventists.

♪ ♪

- ♪ Baby twins and adult Jak ♪

♪ Remember, this is baby twins
and adult Jak ♪

♪ Remember, this is baby twins
and adult Jak ♪

♪ Remember, this is baby twins
and adult Jak ♪