01x02 - Faith/Off

[bunniefuu]

In the first brilliant instalment

of this soon-to-be
award-winning series,

I showed you - for the first time

and better than anyone else -

how humankind dragged itself
out of caveman times,

invented farming, thinking
and sand triangles,

and eventually founded
the brand-new city of Ancient Rome.

But that wasn't the end of
the story, obviously,

because it was only Episode One.

There was no denying man had come
an incredible distance,

but could he come even further,

or was he spent
and in need of a lie-down?

To reach the next level,

humanoid kind would need
to believe in something

bigger than man himself.

Bigger even than elephant itself.

In this episode, I'll see how
humankind found religion,

and we'll settle an argument
that has raged for centuries.

Which is better,
the Bible or the Korun?

The Koran.

So, that one?

It all happened right here,

on the only planet
still worth fighting for.

This is Cunk on Earth.

The time is half past
Rome o'clock BC.

The Romanite Empire
is at its most biggest.

But despite the fancy
columns and mosaics,

there was an emptiness
at the heart of Roman culture.

Holding endless wine-fuelled orgies

in cramped vomitoriums
is all very well

but, eventually,
you need something more.

And also, a mop.

Humans craved enlighten-ingment.

To find it, they'd need a spiritual
role model, an icon,

an almost Christ-like figure.

And as luck would have it,

someone fitting that bill
was about to arrive.

None other than Mr Jesus Christ.

He was born in a humble stable

which, ironically, isn't
a stable environment for a baby,

unless it's a baby donkey which,
if records are to be believed,

Jesus wasn't. In fact, as this

actual painting makes clear,

when Christ was born, he had a
magic flaming circle on his head,

which would have set fire to all
the hay and pubes as he came out.

Don't worry, I'm doing Islam later.

Jesus was born Jewish,
but soon converted to carpentry,

as he followed his dad into the
primitive chair and table industry.

What's ironic about Jesus Christ
becoming a carpenter

was he was actually named after
the two words you're most likely

to shout after hitting your thumb
with a hammer.

Scholars believe he was
a real historical figure,

like Justin Timberlake or Garfield.

Whether or not they think he was

the actual son of God
who performed miracles,

like walking on wine
or helping a deaf man see...

..they all agree he preached
tolerance and forgiveness -

a message so important, his most
ardent followers would eventually

start k*lling anyone
who didn't want to hear it.

Little wonder
this radicalised woodsmith

scared the Roman authorities.

They considered Jesus so dangerous,

they had him crucified.

And not just a little,
but all the way,

to death.

Just imagine Christ's
conflicted emotions.

He'd been sent to Earth to save
mankind and, yet, here he was,

enduring the physical agony
of being nailed to a cross,

while also knowing what a
great logo it would make

for his long-term campaign.

Jesus was k*lled because people
didn't like what he was saying,

so could you call him the first
celebrity victim of cancel culture?

I think cancel culture
would sort of require

the idea that people...

..really saw Jesus
as standing for something,

and they were sure they knew
what it was. Oh, no, sorry.

Yeah? That wasn't a question.
I'm literally asking if

you could call him the first
celebrity victim of cancel culture

for our show. Down that lens, there.

Just, you know,
it's for a credit sequence

with punchy sound bites in it.

Off you go.

Down that lens.

OK, down this lens? Yeah.

You might even say Jesus was

the first celebrity victim of
cancel culture.

Brilliant, thank you.

But incredibly, just when it seemed
the life of Christ was over,

he respawned, danced up a hill and
leapt all the way up into heaven,

breaking all world records for
a standing jump in the process.

During his lifetime,

Jesus only had 12 followers,

fewer even than my Uncle Steve's

uninspiring Instagram account.

But that all changed once his
teachings began to spread,

in the form of the written word.

After he died,
Jesus came back to Earth

in the form of a book, didn't he?

Why do Christians call that
special book The Bib-le?

The Bible.

Is that how it's pronounced?

I've literally never heard anyone
say it before. How do you say it?

Bible. So, why is it spelt Bib-le?

Cos I've seen it written down -
B-I-B-L-E. BIBle. Yeah, Bible.

Christ's message was spread

far and wide by the apostles,

almost 2,000 years before

the release of Belgian techno anthem
Pump Up the Jam.

Pump Up the Jam
by Technotronic

# Pump up the jam, pump it up

# While your feet are stompin'

# And the jam is pumpin'

# Look ahead, the crowd is jumpin'

# Pump it up a little more

# Get the party going
on the dance floor

# See, cos that's where
the party's at

# And you'll find out if you do that

# I don't want a place to stay

# Get your booty on
the floor tonight

# Make my day

# I don't want a place to stay

# Get your booty on the floor... #

But not everyone appreciated
the swinging sound of Christianity.

Especially in Rome,
where Christians were persecuted,

which is Latin for shat on.

And if you were a Christian
back then,

perhaps the worst place to find
yourself was the Colosseum,

an area of misery
on a par with Birmingham.

It was here the Romans first threw
Christians to the lions,

possibly to see if their pacifist
message would rub off on the beasts

and make them less angry and bitey.

If a Christian won, right,
and ate a lion,

would they then go forward
to the next round?

You know, and would they have to eat

something else,
like a whole horse or something?

Do you know, there's not
a lot of evidence

that they threw very many
Christians to the lions.

Just for this, can you pretend that

loads of Christians were thrown
to the lions? Really?

But that's wrong. Do you think the
Christians would forgive the lions

for eating them, while it was
happening? They probably didn't

blame the lions.
I mean, a lion was only doing

what lions naturally do and...
Do we know how the lions felt

about only ever being given
one thing to eat?

It can't have been fun,
can it, you know?

Imagine if every day, your lunch was
just screaming and wouldn't stop.

That's going to have an impact on
your mental health.

The mental health of lions?
Yeah. Mm.

HE SNIFFS

Incredibly, within
a few hundred years,

the Romans had become
Christians themselves.

But why?

Tragically, none of
the people involved

in Ancient Rome
are still alive today.

So, to find out why that happened,

we have to sift through
ancient texts,

like you do at the end of
a relationship.

Thanks to the modern science
of reading, we now know

the Roman Emperor Constantine -
whose name means constant,

or unchanging - one day unexpectedly

changed to Christianity.

Soon, all the Romans had converted
to Christianity.

And shortly after that,

they stopped throwing Christians
to the lions altogether.

No-one knows why.

The Romans had found God
almost overnight.

What is it about religion that can
win us over so unexpectedly?

Why do humans need to believe in
something bigger than ourselves?

Is it so we don't feel quite so fat?

Well, I think the sense of purpose

and value constitutes a very
important element of a happy life.

But it must help, if you think
how big the world is,

suddenly, you feel a lot slimmer.

Quite possibly.

Some people have a sudden
religious conversion, don't they?

My mate Paul was driving
to Winchester

when a lorry jack-knifed
in front of him,

and he was hurtling towards it
and everything went slow-mo.

And Paul, who's never been
religious, spoke to Jesus and said,

"I promise if I survive this,
I'll believe in you."

And he did survive, but he fractured
his skull and broke both his legs.

Why did Jesus do that to him?

Well, you've raised
a very significant question

about the nature of providence.

Have I? You have, indeed.

If we believe in a good God,

why is there so much evil
in the world?

Now, your friend... Paul.

..Paul, his accident,

you know, to what extent
can one blame God for that?

See, Paul never forgave him.

He said, "If I ever see Christ
again, he's a dead man."

Right.

Rome had become a beacon

of Christian faith, but disaster

was just around the corner

because the Romans had converted
to a religion of peace,

just in time to have their arse
handed to them

by some people who mainly believed
in hammers and smashing.

They were the Vandals,

an ancient group notorious for their
appetite for destruction,

like g*ns N' Roses.

HORN BEEPS

Right now, I'm standing on -
and also in - modern Rome

which, by an incredible coincidence,

is on the same site
as the ancient one.

And it's here the Vandals'
terrifying as*ault

on the city took place.

The Vandal hordes would have
swept through there,

past the coffee shop
with the rude staff,

all the way down here, k*lling,
looting and burning as they went.

We also know that
traffic intersection

wouldn't have been
there at that time,

so they could have safely ignored

any associated road signals
during their invasion.

Also, that pizza place
wouldn't have been open

because they think the rampage
happened on a Sunday.

And according to TripAdvisor,
it closes over the weekend

and isn't suitable for
large groups, anyway.

But everything else
you see around here

would have been
completely destroyed.

By the time the Vandals rolled out
of this part of the city

and into the next one, they'd
left nothing but destruction

and horseshit in their wake.

Rome had been sacked, destroyed,

properly f*cked to bits.

And once Rome fell, the entire
Roman Empire went kaput.

The grim period that followed
became known as the Dark-ages.

Ow, sh*t!

Dark-ages sort of sounds like
a symptom, doesn't it?

You know, maybe like a plague thing.

Do you mean the Dark Ages?

Oh, right. Is that what it is?

If you...if you mean
an old-fashioned term

for the early Middle Ages. Right.

Except we don't really use that term
any more. Oh, do we not?

Well, it has very negative
connotations of being a dark

and ignorant and benighted time
and, um... Which it was.

Not really.

It had fantastic thinkers
and historians

and artists and authors.
But it was a bit...

..sh*t.

The Dark Ages was a depressing era,

during which the whole of Europe
fumbled about in the dark,

banging its shins on stuff and
getting all diseases up its bum.

It must have properly
done people's heads in.

Whenever you see medieval times,
there's this sort of annoying,

Heigh-nonny-no music
playing constantly.

Yeah, pretty much.
You know that...that music?

You know, that sort of...

SHE MIMICS A TRUMPET

Yeah.

SHE CONTINUES IMITATING TRUMPET

Yep. Yeah, there's a lot of that.

Where's that sound coming from?

Couldn't they switch it off?

The Dark Ages were a tragedy
for human progress

that put back the roll-out of 5G

by hundreds of years.

So, we've had the Dark Ages.
Has there been a Light Ages?

Well, the claim was made by people
in the early modern period,

the so-called Renaissance,
that theirs was the age of light.

And then, of course, we
have a whole era later

that people called
the Enlightenment.

Is that in this episode,
or will that come up later?

Well, I'm guessing
it will come up later.

Which episode are we in now?
Erm... I...

Probably something about
the Middle Ages.

Yeah, but is it, like,
Episode Three or Episode Four?

I'm afraid I'm not sure. We're
both just lost here, aren't we?

This is f*cking awful.

But luckily, Europe wasn't the only
country having a history back then.

Boffins now believe other countries
such as South America and Asia

were having their own histories too,

and they were keeping civilisation
going in their own funny, exotic,

foreign little ways.

This is the city of Chichen Itza,

built by the Mayan people
in what is now Mexico.

And this is its centrepiece,

the Temple of Kukulkan.

If you were brought here
1,000 years ago,

chances are you were
about to be sacrificed

to appease Chaac, the Mayan god
of rain. Today, you're perhaps

more likely to be dropping by
as part of a pleasant day trip out

from the nearby holiday resort
of Tulum.

That's where I'm staying,

at the five-star
Casa de Lujo Hotel and Spa.

This all-inclusive resort,

nestling on the picture-perfect
Tulum coastline, really is

the last word in luxury.

All the rooms are en-suite,
and with this stunning ocean view,

it's hard to think of a reason
to get out of bed.

Apart, of course, from the beautiful

beach and constant sunshine

right here on your doorstep.

If the sunny skies get too much,

there are three pools
to cool off in,

including one for adults only.

There's plenty for
the little ones too,

with the Turtle Club giving them

the holiday of their allegedly
important little lives so far.

And with five on-site restaurants
to choose from,

you'll never get bored of the food.

If all that wasn't enough,
the stunning Inspiration Spa

offers world-class wellness options,

from toenail filing
to vigorous rubbing.

And when the sun goes down,
the nightlife begins.

With local spirits, wines and beers
all included,

there's no reason to hold back.

With sunshine all day

and partying all night,

you won't want to go home.

Philomena stayed five nights at
the Casa de Lujo Hotel and Spa.

All-inclusive prices start at
£200 per person per night,

based on two sharing,
VAT not included.

Terms and conditions apply.

While the Mayans worshipped
their gods,

thousands of miles away in Arabia,

a prophet named Muhammad was
founding another religion, Islam.

Apparently, Islam can
be a sensitive topic,

and the producers say if I don't
follow this script to the letter,

there's a chance I'll cause
a serious international incident.

That's quite a blow, to be honest.

It's all right, I'll busk it.

So, what can we say about Islam?
Well, for one thing...

I, for one, don't think any of that
is controversial at all.

Islam represented a radical break

from previous religions

because the buildings
it happened inside

were a slightly different shape.

It expanded across the globe

almost as quickly as Fox News

thinks it still does today.

It was an apparently irresistible
spread, like Nutella.

The Koran said, accumulating

knowledge is a worthy act.
So, Islamic mega-nerds created

the first universities
and libraries,

containing all the world's knowledge

which, at that point, could probably

fit into one pamphlet, to be fair.

Mm.

Because they needed more knowledge
to fill their libraries,

Muslim boffins got into maths,
calculus, geometry

and, of course, the most
Islamic sounding one - al-gebra.

Not to be outdone, Christianity
was also expanding,

thanks to missionaries.

The missionaries were known for
their position,

which was that the big man,
God, was on top

and the rest of us had to lie back
and take it.

Sent by the Pope, missionaries

took the Bible and the cross

and set out from here,

painstakingly making their way

right across the map,

and eventually ending up

all the way over here, in Ireland,

where they spread the word
by reading aloud from the...

Hold on, I forgot the book.

Travel in those days
was exceptionally perilous

and gruelling, so the early
missionaries wouldn't have wanted

to undertake their journey twice,
any more than I do.

But once they arrived
at their destination,

what they brought would change the
world forever. The Bible and the...

Who moved the cross?

Christianity was the fidget spinner
of medieval times,

a huge craze that would
last forever.

It led to a boom in
religious iconography.

Images of Jesus were
everywhere you looked.

In medieval times, there were
lots of paintings of Jesus.

How did he find the time
to pose for the artists?

What was his availability like?

Well, he was everywhere,
always... Mm.

..figuratively speaking.

So, they're painting him
from memory,

like someone describing an intruder
to a police sketch artist,

but an intruder who's
the son of God?

In all paintings of Jesus, he comes
in two modes, doesn't he?

He's either a baby
or he's being crucified.

Are there any paintings where
he is being crucified as a baby?

No. No. Right, they missed an
opportunity there, didn't they,

to play the sympathy card?

Did Jesus ever paint himself?

Uh... It...

I don't believe so. Certainly,
there's no record of that happening.

Well, can we be sure? You know,
he might not have signed it.

He was quite modest, wasn't he?
Well, he was modest in parts.

He did also say he was
the son of God.

Yeah, he could have kept that quiet.
Then he wouldn't have been k*lled.

Yeah! What an idiot.

Of course, Jesus wasn't the only
deity to inspire art.

There are lots of paintings of
Muhammad, too,

but our producer had to sign a form
promising not to show them.

By the 11th century,

most European countries had
converted to Christianity,

but it didn't stop them constantly
going to w*r with each other.

Then, in 1095, Pope Urban Two
persuaded them to stop fighting,

come together in harmony and
attack the Muslims instead.

The European Kings agreed

and launched a sort of
armed charity drive

to forcibly provide
the Islamic world with crucifixes.

They called it Crus-Aid.

Soon, armies from Europe
headed east,

hoping to dish out a righteous

international kicking.

So, during the Crusades,

the Crusaders went all the way
to Jerusalem in armour.

That sounds really uncomfortable.

Was it sponsored?

It was sponsored by the church,
you could say... Yeah.

..because these expeditions
had to be funded. Yeah.

My mate Paul did a 30-mile
sponsored walk to Harrogate,

dressed as Spider-Man
for Help For Heroes.

And on the day, he had terrible
diarrhoea, but he soldiered on.

And it was one of the most noble,

but disgusting things
I've ever seen.

Eventually, the organisers had
to intervene, but he raised £368.

You know, the Crusaders
never did that, did they?

No.

In 1099, the Christians captured

Jerusalem. But then, they made

a tactical mistake -

they went home without it.

So, the Muslims, under their leader,

Saladin, crusaded right back,

retaking Jerusalem in the process.

By now, everyone was really into
the Crusades,

so they started
holding them regularly,

fighting back and forth to see which
side would win Jerusalem this year.

The Crusades sound very violent.

Why can't the religions all learn
to live together in peace,

like they do in Ireland?

I think if you find someone who
knows the answer to that question,

then you should definitely
publicise it as soon as possible.

Right, yeah, OK.

But while Christians and Muslims
came to blows,

one man miles away
decided he'd show them what

proper warmongering looked like.

That man was the leader of
the Mongols, Genghis Khan.

In Mongol, Khan means king, and
Genghis means...something else.

These days, Genghis Khan
comes up in conversation

less often than Dennis Quaid,

but back then, he was the
most feared man on Earth.

Genghis and his Mongols
went mongoling free

across much of Europe and Asia.

Millions of thousands of people
were mercilessly slaughtered.

Many of them got their heads
chopped off.

Others had their legs hacked off
first, then an arm or something,

and then maybe their face,
which was probably still screaming

as it flew across the hut,
or wherever they lived.

Then the invaders might have taken
the carcasses and hacked them up

and boiled them into soup and carved
all the discarded pelvis bones

into big ladles to drink it with,

and then sat around the fireplace
slurping their gory soup

and laughing and blowing off.

Honestly, it was seriously
out of order.

How much blood, in terms of pints...

..was spilt because of Genghis Khan?

Well, you'd have to somehow know

the number of people k*lled.

Right. There were stories of
a few hundred Mongol soldiers

dispatching perhaps
up to a million people.

How many pints are in a person?

I think eight. So, minimum,
eight million pints? Yes.

And, of course, they didn't have
blood banks back then, did they?

What a waste!

With all that going on
on their doorstep,

is it any wonder people in Europe
took to building fortified homes?

The answer is no.

Standing here now
in...whatever castle this is,

I can't help but wonder what life
must've been like in medieval times,

because medieval times
aren't happening any more,

so wondering is my only option.

But just imagine it.

Here, in the central atrium,
the tables laid out for a feast.

People are bashing tankards
together and laughing.

The table is bedecked with haunches
of venison, blackbird pie,

roast goose inside a pig.

The full works.

A little bowl of plums there.
I think that's a side dish.

Over here, peasants are
toing and froing in their finery.

Oh, a knight...clanking by
in his armour.

In this corner, someone's playing
medieval flute music.

FLUTE PLAYS

And in front of that, a jester,

jumping up and down
in his little bells.

BELLS JINGLE
LAUGHTER

There's a big sort of
ogre thing watching...

GROWLING

..enjoying the sight of that.

Then, up at this end, the King's
sitting on his throne

next to the Queen,
a bishop and a rook.

They're watching Merlin
getting his head chopped off,

which rolls all the way across

the floor...to there,

where some wild boar gobble it up.

BOARS GRUNT

Ugh! Ugh, that is disgusting!

You're lucky you can't see that.

Suddenly, the gaiety's interrupted

when the glass in a window shatters
and an arrow flies into the room.

It thuds into this wall, right in
the middle of the Bayeux Tapestry.

Gasps ring out
and give way to whispers,

as Thomas A Becket - that's me -
pulls the arrow from the wall.

SHE GROANS

Hold on.

Oh, Christ.

The arrow has a message on it.

Thomas carefully takes the message
off, discards the arrow...

Oh, f*ck! Sorry.

..unfurls the message
and reads it aloud.

It's from Robin Hood...
GASPING

..threatening revenge on
the entire Round Table

for what he did to Gandalf.

Another gasp, the jester faints,

worried murmurs fill the air and
get louder and turn to screams.

SCREAMING
It's chaos.

The flute goes mental.

A dancing bear howls in anguish.
BEAR HOWLS

Someone starts loading pigs
into a catapult.

PIGS SQUEAL

A Space Invader
floats across the room,

sh1tting a harpsichord made of
glass horses onto the floor.

HORSE NEIGHS
GLASS SHATTERS

Finally, up at this end,

the King stands up,
bashing his gavel.

BANGING
He shouts, "Order, order!"

But in a deep man's voice,
with a medieval accent.

The castle falls silent.

You can hear a pin drop...

PIN DROPS
..but not literally.

"Off with his head!"
shouts the King.

And that breaks the ice.

Everything's OK again.

The jester's back up on his feet,
the music's up and running.

MEDIEVAL MUSIC PLAYS

Everyone's merrily
knocking back the mead.

Life in the castle
is back to normal.

Just in time for everyone to
suddenly drop dead from plague.

COUGHING
BODIES THUD

Anyway, that's what life was like
in my castle.

Have you ever really thought
about yours?

But humans couldn't simply

cower behind thick walls while

holy wars waged outside forever.

Religion was supposed to
unite humankind

in harmony and bland smiling,

but it had mainly succeeded in
tearing it apart,

like a bear in a maternity ward.

But little did this church,
and others like it,

know that a challenger
was just around the corner.

Next time, we'll see how
a new generation of artists

and brainiacs arose
and challenged God to a fight

during what historians are already
calling the Renaissance.

So, is this painting actually good,

or is it one of those things that
we only think is good

because we're told it's good,
like seafood?