01x01 - In the Beginnings

[bunniefuu]

This is our planet.

Planet Earth.

It's a planet I'm
literally on right now,

and unless you're watching
this on a long-haul flight

or while falling off a building,

chances are you are, too.

This is the incredible story of how
humankind transformed our world

from being a load of
pointless nature like this

to full of modern
things like this...

CAR BEEPS

..and how it did it using
nothing more than its hands...

..and its imagination,

and also tools and electricity

and the internet.

It's a journey that'll take me
to every corner of the globe

money and pandemic travel
restrictions would allow,

getting up close to some of our
species most stunning achievements.

And I'll be asking questions...

Who are you?

..to leading academics,
clevernauts and expertists

who will help me unlock
the mystery of human civilisation.

Why do they say it's a mystery
how the pyramids were built

when it's obviously just
big bricks in a triangle?

This is not just the story
of the planet we live in.

This is the story of the
world we live on. Or both.

So, join me, Philomena Cunk,

for a landmark look at
the world we built together.

This is Cunk on Earth!

This programme contains some
strong language

For billions of years,
there was no civilisation on Earth.

Just animals, plants and gases,
getting on and mingling.

Must have been beautiful,
but also boring.

Until along came a creature
that would change all that -

human man.

Was Early Man similar to us?

I mean, was he made out of
the same sort of meat that we are?

You know, did it have a
brand name like beef or pork?

As far as we can tell, they were
made out of the same stuff as us.

All we have is bones, of course,

and they're exactly
the same as our bones.

We can only assume that the bones
were encased in flesh,

something like ours, but I'm not
aware of any kind of brand name

that they would have had.
So it would have just been flesh?

Just flesh, I think, yes.

It would be hard to come up with
a brand name for human flesh,

wouldn't it?

"HuF"?

We often assume early men were
stupid because they had big eyebrows

and said, "Ug," but in fact
they were pioneering inventorers.

They were the first men to use
tools, which is something most men

have forgotten how to do today,
which is why they have to get

someone in - a real man.

How did Early Man make tools
whilst walking on all fours?

Well, we don't think that they
walked on all fours for too long.

We're pretty sure they were walking
upright for at least

the last two million years.

So, did they make the tools
with their front legs

or their hind legs?

Well, I don't think humans have ever
been very good at making things

with their feet, so, yes, it would
have been the front legs

that they used for
making tools. Right.

So, in leg terms, it would
have been their top legs? Yes.

I think they would certainly have
used the top legs for making tools,

or arms and hands
as we call them today.

One thing they did invent was fire,

which allowed them to see
at night and kept them warm,

tragically prolonging
their already tedious lives.

But they had to invent
something to do

during the long, boring evenings,
and that something was art.

I'm entering a cave, not by mistake
or because I'm a wolf...

..but because I've been specifically
asked to come here by the producers

to look at cave art.

Cave paintings like these

are one of the first examples
of civilisation on Earth.

Don't worry, it gets better.

Early cave artists started out
painting whatever was close to hand,

like their hands.

Then, they branched
out into stories.

Initially, just boring stories

about cows standing still.

But soon they began creating

white-knuckle fight
scenes like this.

Humans versus cows 2D.

To a caveman, this was
the thrilling equivalent

of Fast and Furious Part 7.

Have any of the cave paintings
been adapted into films?

Suppose they couldn't get the
rights anyway, though, could they?

Film-making, obviously, arose
much, much later than the end

of the cave paintings.

So, there hasn't been a cave
wall that's been like,

"Oh, my God,
that's an incredible story.

"We need to get Steven Spielberg
to make this"?

It would be hard to come
up with a story that would last

an hour and a half based on
just one panel in a cave.

Some believe these violent images
were painted as religious acts

intended to bring good luck
in upcoming battles.

We don't know why humankind
was at w*r with the cows

and, tragically, we never will.

In fact, we'll probably never even
know the name of the artist

or these cows,
because whoever painted this

is almost certainly dead now.

Hunting animals every day
was a pain in the arse

until someone came up with
the idea of also eating plants,

which were easier to catch
because they couldn't run away.

This simple act of laziness led
to the invention of farming,

a huge leap forwards,

which was now more dangerous
because you might land

on one of the farming implements
that were suddenly lying around.

The early farmers grew wheat
and learned to bake bread.

They also grew barley,
peas and lentils,

so they could have made
a passable vegan burger

to put inside the bread

but, luckily, they didn't have to.

Because they'd also
invented this - the fence.

A high-tech wooden machine
for containing animals.

Humans quickly enslaved
sheep, chickens, goats

and their number one enemies,
the cows.

Farms became a lot like zoos.

Except, of course, in a zoo,
you can't pick out an animal

you like the look off
and k*ll it and eat it.

Unless, perhaps, the zoo itself
is struggling financially

and the owner's lost all hope.

Humans turned animals
they couldn't eat or ride into pets

if they were pretty enough.

Early Man domesticated
dogs for companionship...

..and cats for whatever
we have cats for.

This was the first time in history
life could be described as cosy.

People lived in proper houses,

which soon grew to become cities.

It's hard to believe
I'm walking through the ruins

of the first-ever city,
because I'm not.

That's in Iraq, which is miles
away and f*cking dangerous.

But the remains of it look
pretty much like this,

so you'd never know
I wasn't actually there

if I wasn't telling
you now by accident.

Today, it's just a dismal
load of bricks and dust,

but if you use a modern computer to
simulate what it used to look like,

the results are nothing
short of breathtaking.

Civilisation had begun.

Who invented civilisation?

Civilisation wasn't something

that was invented

or something that started abruptly.

We talk about civilisation
once humans started agriculture,

once they started building cities

and creating laws.

That was something that happened
gradually in different parts

of the world rather than just
being invented suddenly. Yeah.

So, it wasn't just one man

who wanted to remain anonymous?

No. Cos that would be something we
shouldn't go along with if it was.

Do you mean we
shouldn't go along...?

If it was one man
who wants to remain anonymous,

there's something a bit shifty
about that, isn't there?

So, civilisation was
invented in Mesopotamia

by person or persons unknown.

But whoever they were, they
were way ahead of their time.

Did the Mesopotamians have any of
the same things that we have today?

Yes.
Like what?

Weapons, jewellery,

temples, animals.

Right. No, I meant, like, feet
and eyebrows and that sort of thing.

Yes, yes.
They did?

They had the whole set of organs,

holes, bits that work together,

and bits on the outside,
bits on the inside.

So they had the same number
of holes and everything?

As far as science is in a
position to reassure you, yes.

One of their most
significant k*ller apps

was something we still use
to this day - the circle.

Wheels might look complicated
to the likes of you,

but the way they work
is actually simple.

The circle bit here revolves
around a sort of sticky out bit

in the middle,

and then, as the wheel skin here
pushes against the ground,

the pressure rolls the entire
planet back and away from you,

giving you the impression
that you're moving forward,

which, incredibly, you actually are.

The wheel allowed people to
travel around trading things,

but first they needed to count
how many things they owned,

and that led to the tragic
invention of maths.

Let's talk maths and numbers.

Were numbers worth less
back in ancient times

or did they have the same
value as now only bigger?

Numbers had the same
value as they do now

in ancient times, yeah.
People still needed to count things.

And did they have the same
number of numbers as we do,

you know, from one to 700,

with 700 being the biggest number?

700 has never been
the biggest number.

You can count to as
many as you like.

No, no. I saw a thing on YouTube -

after 700, numbers repeat.

They just give them different names
so you think they're still going up.

Do you want me to send it to you?

With numbers going as high,
but no higher than 700,

people needed something
to help them count.

That's where this came in.

It's called a bacus.

Using a bacus, our ancestors
could count how many

possessions they owned.

It was a short step from this
to the invention of money,

in the form of cash.

Ancient people invented currency
to make life on Earth easier,

but in doing so, they inadvertently
invented capitalism,

which is going to k*ll everyone.

Sorry, that's not a question. It's
just something I read on Twitter.

Having conquered numbers,
humankind moved on to something

even more boring
by inventing writing.

Was the invention of writing
a significant development

or more of a flash in
the pan, like rap metal?

I think once writing was thought up,

once it appeared in the world,
it was unstoppable.

So, it was much, much
bigger than rap metal then?

Yes, much bigger.
What about acid jazz?

Hmm...

I still would put
writing ahead of it.

No, I just wondered what
you thought of acid jazz.

What's this? It's a cast.

It's not the real thing.

It purports to stand in for
a Mesopotamian clay tablet

written in cuneiform writing.

The first kind of writing
that appeared in the world -

writing on clay tablets.

As books go, I have to say it's
quite a boring cover, isn't it?

It doesn't even look
like it opens properly.

Are you one of the people
that judges a book by the cover?

Yeah, I am.

That's a sad and misguided view.

If someone shouted this aloud, would
that have been the first audiobook?

No.

Writing changed the world.

Suddenly, ideas didn't have
to disappear just because the person

whose head they were
trapped in had died.

Instead, you could convert
your ideas into writing,

and then anyone else could come
along and upload those ideas

into their own brain by wirelessly
importing them through their eyes.

Incredibly, despite being invented
thousands of years ago,

writing still exists today

underneath video clips
that we watch online.

And it's here you'll also find
another kind of handmade language

that still endures - emoji.

Or as the ancient Egyptians,
who invented them, called them -

hieroglyphics.

They told whole stories
in hieroglyphic code.

It's like a more
coherent Marvel comic.

Rather than being put up in public

where living people
could enjoy them,

these Egyptian comic strips
were painted on the walls of tombs

to entertain dead people,

and those tombs laid beneath
some of the most recognisable,

not to mention pointiest,
buildings in history.

I'm talking about the Pyramids.

Looking at the Pyramids today,
it's impossible not to be struck

by the thought that they're
basically big triangles

with a sort of square arse.

There's probably a
word for that shape,

but literally no-one
knows what it might be.

It's one of the many timeless
mysteries of the Pyramids.

Why are pyramids that shape?

Is it to stop homeless
people sleeping on them?

I don't think they had many
homeless people in ancient Egypt.

Oh, did they not?
No, no.

People looked after each other,
I think, and helped each other.

Right. I suppose it's good with
rain cos it'll just roll off.

How did Egyptians
build the Pyramids?

Did this start at
the top and work down?

Or start at the bottom
and work up?

They had to start at
the bottom and work up

because it would be impossible to
start at the top and work down.

The Egyptians believed the most
significant thing you could do

in your life was die,
and the more important you were,

the more complicated
your death had to be.

Egyptian kings were known as
pharaohs and, when they died,

they'd get turned into mummies
of Scooby-Doo fame.

The ancient Egyptians were obsessed
with dead people, weren't they?

But they're all dead themselves now,

so do you think
they still feel that way?

The ancient Egyptians weren't
obsessed with dead people

but, actually,
they were obsessed with life.

They wanted to be alive,
and they wanted to make sure

that, when they died,
they came alive again,

and that's why they
did mummification.

So, how did they mummify people?

Talk me through the process.

You'd get your dead body

and you'd you lay it out on a table,

and then you wash it, and then
you start by removing the brain.

Then, they would cut open
down the middle of the body.

They would take out anything
that they thought would rot,

and then they would cover
it in salt and dry it out,

and then they would
wrap it in bandages,

and then, that would be a mummy.

So, the kind of spa treatment

that Gwyneth Paltrow
has on a weekly basis.

Has a mummy ever ridden a bicycle?

Not that I know of, no.

But the ancient Egyptians
didn't have bicycles.

Right.
They didn't even have roads.

So, they couldn't have a bicycle
cos they couldn't ride a bicycle.

I don't know why I asked that.

I just couldn't think
of anything else to say.

While the pharaohs of Egypt left
a legacy of temples and tombs,

across the water, an even more
impressive empire was appearing.

Greece - the country,
not the musical -

was where the birth of
civilisation was born.

The ancient Greeks invented
lots of things we still have today,

like medicine and olives,

and lots of things that have died
out, like democracy and pillars.

As well as these impressive ruins,

the ancient Greeks also developed
culture in the form of yoghurt

and theatre in all
its tedious forms.

The Greeks were into tragedies.

In a tragedy, sad things happen,

like people dying
or k*lling themselves,

but the ancient Greek
tragedies happened ages ago.

Are the things that
happen in them still sad?

They are still sad because what
the tragedies tell are stories

about humans who we can
relate to in some cases.

But it was so long ago.

Why should I care?

Well, again, tragedy is often
about human situations.

Even today, if you found
out that by accident,

you'd k*lled your own father
and married your mother,

you'd be quite upset,
just as Oedipus was.

Maybe I'm cold, but I just
don't give a sh*t about people

in ancient Greece.

That's a shame.

Do you?
I do care quite a lot.

Yeah, it's my job.

My mate Paul wrote a story
about a man who got a new potato

stuck up himself following
an ill-advised sex game.

And he wrote that in
the form of a limerick.

No-one died,
but it sounds horrendous.

Is that a tragedy,

or would the potato have to take
root and k*ll him for it to qualify?

It sounds like a very
unfortunate incident.

I'm not sure it has a
more timeless relevance

that might make it a tragedy.

Paul said it really
happened, as well.

Honestly, he's had such
a time of it lately.

He really needs a holiday.

The Greeks also created a kind
of theatre for stupid people,

known as sport.

They started the Olympic Games
without inviting other countries

to ensure Greece would win.

The contenders at these early
Olympics took part completely naked,

partly because an athletic
physique was considered a virtue,

but mainly because
Lycra wasn't available.

I heard that, at the early Olympics,

athletes had to compete in the nude.

So, they did compete naked.

There are writings about this

being quite an erotic
sight in some cases.

With wrestling, with all
that wriggling about,

they'd have seen right up
their bumholes and everything.

Couldn't they censor it for people
watching it in the auditorium -

modesty patches or something -

or ask people to close their eyes
each time someone bends over?

I think that probably
wouldn't have worked.

But you'd have seen
right up their bumholes.

In some cases,
people might have done.

Did Zeus really approve of that?

But perhaps the most famous form
of wrestling the Greeks invented

was mental wrestling.

Philosophy is basically
thinking about thinking,

which sounds like a waste
of time because it is.

Although a philosopher might argue
that that time they've wasted

never existed in the first place,

at which point you probably
give up talking to them

and open a packet of biscuits.

These are the ancient Greek
philosophers. Not the actual ones.

There'd be a lot of
dust and bones now.

Maybe some teeth if you're lucky.

These are just clever
simulations made of rock.

The Greek philosophers came up

with bold new theories
about life on Earth.

That's why we still
know their names today,

even though they haven't put
out any new material in ages.

Socrates.

Pythagoras.

This one.

Him.

And this is Plato.

As you can see, even now,
centuries after his death,

he's still deep in thought,

concocting clever
theories in his head.

If only we could hold a microphone
to the side of his brain

and hear them for ourselves,
but we can't.

And even if we could,
there'd be in Greek,

which no-one on our
production team can speak.

Plato handed his wisdom
on to a student

who would become one of the most
influential thinkers of all time -

Aristotle.

Aristotle said a lot of
clever things, didn't he?

My favourite is, "You've got to
dance like nobody's watching."

It's so true, and you
can apply it to anything.

Because my confidence
is quite brittle at times,

and I know I come across
as quite confident,

but sometimes,
when I'm talking to experts,

I worry that, you know,
I might come across as a bit stupid.

And when I think of,
"Dance like no-one's watching,"

that really helps me.
You know, it's like a gift.

What made Aristotle think of that?

I'm not aware that Aristotle
said that particular thing

about dancing when
no-one's watching.

I don't think he said that.
He did, didn't he?

If he did, I don't know
and I don't know why,

but I don't think he did.

Is there something similar
that he might have said,

something about one's confidence?

Erm, I don't think so.

Right.

OK.

Experts may disagree over
what they actually said,

but there's no doubt these Greek
pioneers changed the way we think.

Did a philosopher ever
think of an idea so big

it split their head open?

Not that I'm aware of.

You know how the human
brain is full of pipes?

Philosophers...
I'm not.

You didn't know about that?
I didn't know about that.

OK, well, the brain's full of pipes.

You know how philosophers
have these thoughts

and they try and push these
thoughts through these pipes?

When you're having a big idea,
is it best to break it up

into lots of little thoughts,
about the size of peas,

and squeeze them through
in quick succession,

or just bite the b*llet
and force it through your mind pipe

in one huge clod?

Like, gritting your teeth
and thinking for dear life.

Well, that's a very interesting way

of describing two general
tendencies in philosophy.

One, the more analytic style,

which means cutting problems up

into bite-sized portions.
Peas.

And the other,
a more synthetic approach,

which takes on a larger perspective.

So, your
characterisation is, in fact,

a rather intriguing delineation

of two major strands
in current philosophy.

Is that good?
Excellent. Oh, great.

Meanwhile, ancient Greece
was being spread across the globe

by this man - Alexander the Great.

Alexander the Great
became a king at 20,

conducted a military campaign
throughout the Middle East,

and had an empire stretching
all the way from Greece to India

by the time he was 30.

What did his hair look like?

I don't know.

And Alexander wasn't the only
megastar with his own empire.

Huge swathes of China had
been unified by Qin Shi Huang,

the first cartoon character
to found his own empire

and build the Great Wall of China.

They say the Great Wall of China
is the only landmark

audible from space.

Yeah, you can't hear it.

And they say that you
can see it from space,

but it's not true.

They've tried.
You can't see it from space?

Chinese astronauts have tried to see
the Great Wall and they can't.

They can't see it.

So, it's invisible. It's an
invisible wall, like a forcefield.

It's only invisible from space.

On the ground,
you can certainly see it.

That's so weird, isn't it?

Is that one of
the great mysteries?

And do we know if China has a roof?

Is there a Great Roof of China?

No, no great roof.

The Chinese empire was a
powerhouse of intense creativity

and philosophical thought,

captured in historical documents
produced centuries before

the release of unrelated
Belgian techno anthem

Pump Up The Jam.

Pump Up The Jam
by Technotronic featuring Felly

# Pump up the jam, pump it up

# While your feet are stompin'

# And the jam is pumpin'

# Look ahead, the crowd is jumpin'

# Pump it up a little more

# Get the party going on
the dance floor

# See, cos that's
where the party's at

# And you'll find out if you do that

# I don't want a place to stay

# Get your...#

The Greeks had an empire
and the Chinese had an empire,

but when most of us think
of the word "empire",

we think of the big one, Star Wars.

Or Rome.

And this is history
so it's Rome, I'm afraid.

Its empire rose to supremacy

under the leadership
of Julius Caesar,

the most notorious
Roman until Polanski.

One of the reasons we still know
a lot about the Romans today

is Wikipedia,

and the reason Wikipedia
knows a lot about the Romans

is because of what
happened in Pompeii.

Pompeii was so advanced
it had its own volcano,

which is Latin for "Angry Hill."

For years, humans and
the volcano lived in harmony,

until one fateful day they fell
out and the volcano went off,

burying Pompeii beneath
a thick layer of ash.

Everyday life was
frozen in its tracks

as though someone had magically
stopped the hands of time

and then shat dust everywhere.

It was deadly at the time

but, on the bright side,

it gave archaeologists a
treasure trove of information

about how the Romans lived.

Thanks to the volcano, we know
everyday Romans had grey skin,

were totally bald, and
spent their time lying around

inside their shockingly
dusty houses.

But it also preserved glimpses
of how sophisticated Roman life was,

with creature comforts like
indoor plumbing and cunnilingus.

The Roman Empire
was years ahead of its time.

People think the Romans invented
loads of things,

but often they only perfected
things that other people had made.

I'll say some things and you tell
me if the Romans invented them

or just perfected them.

Right? Invented or perfected.
Test me.

Underfloor heating.
Invented.

Ding!

The calendar.
Perfected.

MIMICS WRONG ANSWER BUZZER

You wallied -

that means you can't
answer the next one.

Roads.

No, the roads were
invented by Persians.

Plenty of people knew about roads.

You're wallied, anyway, you can't
answer that one. Oh, right.

Concrete.

Invented.
Ding! Yep.

The alphabet.

Oh, definitely did not invent it,

and probably didn't really
perfect it either.

I mean, that's sort of...
Got to pick one.

Have I?
Yeah.

Um, I mean, perfected is wrong.
Ding!

a**l bleaching.

What?
a**l bleaching.

a**l bleaching...

Um...

I have no idea what
that would have done.

Go on, give it a go.

I don't even know what it is.
It's when they bleach your arse.

Really?
Yeah, lighten it up.

Well, not round my way, they don't.

But anyway, I have no idea
what they did with that. Pass.

Invented or perfected.
You can't pass.

Bleaching?
Yeah.

Bleaching the arsehole.

Um, OK. Well, I'll say they invented
it, but...

MIMICS WRONG ANSWER BUZZER

Just a few 100,000 years ago,

humans had been living
in caves like animals.

Now, following a series
of technological and cultural

breakthroughs, we were
living in cities like people.

Looking around ancient Rome,

our ancestors could have been
forgiven for feeling almost as smug

as James Corden.

But little did the Roman Empire know
it was about to come up against

its biggest challenge -
a man of peace.

Jesus Christ, Almighty.
Street name, "Son of God."

Next time, we look at religion
and how it spread - like memes,

but with a whole lifestyle
and clothing line attached.

And we'll be looking at two
of the most important books

in history, the Bible and the Koran,

and finally answering
the question, which is best?