All of You (2024)

[bunniefuu]

Please stand back behind the yellow line.

- Hey.

- Hi.

- How are you?

- Good. How are you?

Good.

All right. Come on.

I've only got an hour for lunch.

This is gonna be fun. Isn't it?

I doubt that very much.

"Yes, Laura.

It's going to be lots of fun."

All right, come on.

Let's get this over with.

Go, go, go.

That was exciting.

This station has step-free access.

You know this is gonna ruin

our friendship.

- No, it won't.

- It will. It'll be the end of everything.

Why?

Everyone we know who's taken the Test,

soon as they meet their soul mate,

they vanish.

That's not true.

Happens to everyone

soon as they take the Test.

We've lost too many good people

to this bloody Test.

They haven't gone to w*r, Simon.

No, it's been much worse. They're in love.

What if he's, like, a hundred years old?

Then I will love him

for the rest of his life.

All right. Name one friend from uni

who took the Test who we still see.

- Jonah.

- Jonah and Vicky the Vortex?

No. Since he got with her,

he doesn't even reply to texts.

She might have m*rder*d him,

and we don't even know.

Or maybe he's happy.

Yeah, maybe he's happy somewhere in a

basement, tied up, screaming into a sock.

Okay. This is it.

Tell me that I'm making a good decision.

No. Awful.

Great. Thanks.

I'm Laura Sharp. Here for the Test.

Welcome, Miss Sharp.

Would you like to make your final payment?

Welcome to soul connex.

Finding your perfect match

in the blink of an eye.

Christ.

Whoever it is, he's paying me back.

That's the first thing I'll say to him.

Yeah, it'll be a nice icebreaker.

Speaking of, I asked Andrea if she'd

go on a date with you and she said yes.

The giant?

She's not a giant.

She's, like, 7 foot tall.

That's technically a giant.

Fine. I'm not gonna set you up with her

and you're gonna die alone.

Good.

Here at soul connex,

we make happiness a science.

You could still do it, you know.

It's not too late.

I don't wanna do it.

I would rather just find it.

Isn't that the whole point? The discovery.

- You're taking all the fun parts out.

- No, I'm not.

Yes, you are. Otherwise,

why do you wrap presents?

Why not just go,

"Here you go. It's a f*cking toaster.

Merry Christmas. I'm off."

Because that would be horrible.

Well, that's what you're doing.

Seriously.

"Relationship status."

f*cking tragic?

You can talk.

And you'll just head

straight upstairs to the second floor.

Thank you for doing this.

Of course.

Wanted to make the most

of our last day together.

Stop it.

We're still gonna see each other

all the time.

Promise.

And you're absolutely sure

this isn't all because of Dan?

No.

I mean, maybe a little bit.

It was horrific.

Yeah.

Dad hated him.

He threatened to disown me

if we got married.

Smart man.

Miss Sharp, we're ready for you now.

Right. Well, it's been

a wonderful friendship.

Very nice knowing you.

Stop it.

Go on. Go get your toaster.

So, we'll just take your blood pressure

and then get the second phase done.

Hey.

I'll miss you every single day.

Uh-oh.

Yay!

Are you celebrating?

My thing? No. Your thing? Yes.

- Aw, no. Simon, I'm sorry.

- No, it's fine. I didn't really want it.

It was so much more work.

You know I hate work.

- Then that's great news. Congratulations.

- It's such great news.

But seriously, congrats on the launch.

That's huge. I'm dead impressed.

- I think Andrea might be coming.

- The giant?

- She's a little bit taller than you.

- So, a giant.

- You're a prick. This is the guy.

- I'm the guy.

Is Lukas here?

No. It's not really his thing.

A shame.

Yeah, he's a bit of a square.

But he's my square and I love him.

Sweet.

Everyone's getting f*cked up tonight,

by the way.

Oh, no.

Yeah, we're celebrating.

This is them!

Guys, this is my friend Simon.

Hey. How you doing?

- Hey. What's your name?

- Joshua.

Joshua. Good to meet you. Yeah.

I've known Laura since uni,

since she was, like, 20.

- So this is big. I'm very proud.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, we're all really proud.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- You've done nothing wrong.

- I have. I screwed her over.

I don't think

you've really screwed her over.

- You've done nothing wrong.

- sh*t.

Everything okay?

Yeah, it's so sweet.

Like, I'll say something totally insincere

to Lukas,

and then he thinks I'm being serious

and then it turns out I actually am.

Like, "It hurts my stomach

to be away from you."

That hurt my stomach.

- Is that really bad?

- It's horrible.

Is that how you know you're soul mates?

Yeah, I think it's the start of it.

Nice.

Very promising.

- Hi!

- Hi!

- You made it.

- I know.

I know, so crazy.

This is Simon. Simon, this is Andrea.

Hi, Andrea. Good to meet you.

- Hi, Simon. You all right?

- Yeah.

Andrea's practicing nursing,

so very impressive that she turned up.

Oh, great. That's amazing.

Simon's in journalism, so maybe

there's a crossover there somewhere.

I don't know.

But you guys should get a drink

then I'll meet you back here in a sec.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

Do you want a drink?

No, I'm good. I'm good.

- Do you want a drink?

- Do you want a drink?

- Yes, please.

- All right. Let's get you a drink.

- Got a present for you.

- Uh-oh.

Oh, really?

Hey. You okay?

Hey. Yeah. How are you?

I'm good. What's happening?

I'm just texting Luke.

- Yes. Yeah, yeah.

- Everything all right?

I'm just saying good night and sending him

kisses and gross stuff, you know.

Don't tell him that I'm smoking.

Why not? What will he do?

Lock me in a basement.

I like that.

Dad absolutely loves him.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Thinks he's, like, the greatest guy

that's ever lived. He's obsessed.

Is that bad?

No, but I'm not used to it.

You know, he's gonna move here

from Glasgow, so we're moving in together.

Really?

Wow.

That's huge.

Congrats.

- Big boy sh*t.

- Big boy sh*t.

It all happened so quickly.

Do you know that the first time I met him,

I didn't even fancy him?

I thought that maybe

they'd made a mistake.

And then your shoulders dropped

and your whole body relaxed.

And you told me,

"And I felt like I was amongst family."

And I thought, well,

I don't think you should bang him then.

It's a really nice story. I'm sorry.

Where's Andrea?

I think she's dancing with your mates.

She keeps banging her head on the ceiling.

She's really cool, right? Like, it seemed

like you really liked her and stuff.

She is cool actually. Fair play.

You should get with her,

and then we can all go on double dates.

Double dates? That gave me the chills.

Come on. We should get back.

I forgot my...

Get your water.

- Put out your f*cking cigarette.

- No, I'm still smoking.

It's disgusting.

She's there.

- Hey!

- Hey! There you are.

Yay!

Giant kiss in the middle. Go!

- Where's my kiss?

- Okay.

What's the deal with you two?

What do you mean?

You're very, very, very close.

We went to uni together. We're like BFFs.

BFFs who never...

dated?

Where do you live?

Vauxhall, you?

- Clapham.

- No sh*t.

- How you getting home?

- How you get...

- Taxi. Right.

- Taxi.

Go! f*cking go!

- Hey. You all right?

- Yeah.

I'm so sorry I was late.

Everyone was keeping to

the f*cking speed limit.

You okay? We're, like,

ten minutes away, all right?

This is scary, isn't it?

- You got a new car?

- Yeah.

Did you have a little midlife crisis,

and I missed it?

Is this wipe clean?

Are we not gonna talk about it?

If I saw this car in a parking lot,

I would think that man unfortunately

has lost his willy

and they have to cruise around

in this knob mobile.

You are mean. This is a nice car.

What did you say to Andrea?

I didn't say anything.

I didn't know

if you wanted privacy or whatever.

Is she at home?

No. She is at work.

Oh, sh*t. Sorry.

- What? Oh, Jesus.

- I will pay for it.

But it's wipe clean so we're fine.

I've got something in my gym bag. Hold on.

Here you go.

- Sorry.

- Please don't be. I'm sorry.

Did I tell you

what happened the other day?

Have I told you about Sunday?

So, me and Andrea had morning sex, right.

And it was really good.

It was really good morning sex.

Well done.

Yeah, it was so good,

I think people will write about it.

We were both very pleased with ourselves.

And we're laying in the afterglow,

and it was, like, genuinely lovely.

And we lay there

all sort of vulnerable and loved up,

and she looks me in the eyes and she goes,

"Why don't I make us some breakfast

and then we can go for a wander

around the farmer's market?"

No. What did you say?

I said, "Why don't you sh**t me

in the f*cking face?"

Oh, sh*t, Simon.

She was... I think she was quite upset.

Couples just have to do that sometimes,

you know?

You gotta do boring things together.

It's like a rite of passage.

Why? Who made that up?

What even happens at a farmer's market?

Are they selling farmers?

What are they selling?

Is it the farmers, like,

sat on plinths just being auctioned off?

- And they're like, "He's a nice farmer."

- Stop!

"We can fatten him up with sausages.

He's delicious."

I can't believe she hasn't left you yet.

I think she just can't find her way

out of the house.

At least you got

a nice new dress out of it.

And I got drugs.

It's a pretty good day.

Not bad.

I never asked you about your promotion.

Didn't get it. Amal got it.

- Who's Amal?

- New guy. Everyone loves him.

Hate Amal.

He does charity work and he's really buff.

- What an arsehole.

- Yeah.

I'm sorry.

No, it's good.

I'm now, like, the oldest member

of my team, so that's cool, right?

Yeah. It's really cool.

- Pretty cool.

- Yeah, very cool.

So, what are you gonna do?

- k*ll myself.

- Nice.

Or...

I don't know. Maybe start my own thing.

You should.

I might.

I might.

You're already backing out of it.

Sorry I haven't seen you in a while.

Andrea's been really hardcore on the PhD,

and I've been, you know,

not getting promotions and stuff.

It's okay. I mean, we both have lives.

I just really missed you.

Me too.

Can I ask you something?

Do you think your nurse

had the smallest head you've ever seen?

Like, I mean, it was...

Like, a grape would be generous.

Like, a seed of a grape.

I don't know

how she brushes her teeth. Where...

There's no toothbrush small enough.

I don't understand

the mechanics of her head.

- You okay?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Shall I get someone?

- No, no, no. Just sit.

Baby. Baby, I'm so sorry.

- I'm so, so sorry.

- Hey.

I was just too far away.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah.

I'm so sorry. What's happening?

I've seen the nurse, and we have to wait

to see a specialist now.

Okay.

They said someone

was gonna come and get her very soon.

Listen, thank you so much for coming.

- Thanks for coming, seriously.

- Of course. Yeah.

I appreciate it.

Okay. So, what have they said?

So, they've taken my blood pressure,

and they've taken blood,

and now we just have to wait for a scan

before we can find out anything.

- Hold on. I'm gonna speak to someone.

- No, it's okay.

No. I'm gonna get a nurse.

We need to hurry up.

- Hi. Excuse me. So sorry.

- Yeah. Hi.

I'm so sorry.

I'll go.

Thank you.

Okay. So, take me through what happened.

I'm sorry.

You okay?

Yeah.

You sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Let's go.

- This place is great.

- Very nice.

- Good choice. Love the decor.

- Thank you, sir.

You honestly... You forget as well that

people still go out and they do stuff and...

Listen, we are honored that

we are your first night out.

It's been so long

since we were all together as well.

Well, you've been a bit busy

making a baby.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, that's true. We have.

- How is she?

- She's good.

She sort of looks like a potato.

- No.

- Yeah, we'll need to see that.

She's an adorable potato.

- Here's a pic.

- Please send pictures.

- Here you go.

- Okay.

- That is a very cute potato.

- Thank you.

How is work, Lukas?

It's not bad.

We're moving the lab to St. George's, so...

South London.

You know we've moved to Vauxhall.

- Oh, great.

- I don't know if I... Yeah.

- Nice round there?

- Yeah, lovely.

- You two could have lunch sometime.

- Sure.

- We could.

- Yeah.

So, who's with the baby?

- Laura's mum's over.

- Yeah.

My dad's got a live-in nurse

at the moment,

so my mum's just jumping at

any opportunity to get out of the house.

What happened?

Nothing. His lungs

just aren't doing very well,

so yeah,

he's got full-time care at the moment.

- I'm so sorry.

- Sorry. I didn't know that.

It's okay.

I mean, we haven't spoken in a while.

Yeah.

Andrea, you're teaching?

Lecturing at Holloway. Yeah.

It's Digital Management,

so it really is as boring as it sounds.

No, that's not right.

I read her lectures. They're great.

She sneaks a load of digital jokes in.

How come we haven't seen you in so long?

'Cause we've been busy being grown-ups.

And how is it?

- It's awful. I hate it.

- It's the worst.

- It's a f*cking nightmare.

- You really are completely miserable.

It's true.

Are we ready to order?

We haven't looked at all. Sorry.

At Andrea's campus,

there's this place where there's couples

but also throuples, and quadruples...

Quadrouples.

And, like, two people who are soul mates,

but the other two are not soul mates

- but they're all f*cking and...

- Really?

- ...and happy. Right? They're happy?

- Yeah.

- They're soul mates?

- I love it.

I mean, yeah. I keep a safe distance,

but I think they look happy.

Yeah, I bet.

I feel like this Test makes people

feel like there's a person for them,

but I don't believe

that love is just a one-on-one thing.

Well, it is. It empirically is.

We have the Test now,

so we know the one person that we're

meant to love, and all the rest is just...

- I don't know, like...

- Fluff?

No. I mean, not... Not fluff.

I don't know. It's hard. Like...

someone who's on

the periphery of your life.

- Charming.

- No, I don't mean. No.

But, hey, if it hadn't been for you

giving Laura the money

and taking her to the Test,

I'd never have met her, so...

- She still owes me that money.

- Yep.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah.

What? You took her for the Test?

- Yeah.

- I never knew that.

Yeah, never came up.

You never told me.

- Never came up.

- Okay.

I don't know how I feel

about the Test anymore.

- Oh, good. That's nice to hear.

- No.

I mean, obviously, we're really lucky

and we're in love and that's great.

- "Great."

- But I'll rephrase it.

I'm so happy that I took the Test.

I am so happy that we're together

and in love and all of it,

but I thought that it was gonna help

make life more linear

and I thought it was gonna fix

all of my sh*t and it hasn't.

I'm still me,

so maybe I should've just gone to therapy.

That is the alternative.

Are you doing therapy now?

- No.

- Good for you.

Yeah.

I think what it did was it led me to you...

and you're my person

and you're in my life.

When things are really difficult,

you're there for me.

We share that,

and I think that's really beautiful.

I feel very lucky to have that.

Well, I happen to like being in your life

through all the difficult things, so...

See?

- It worked.

- Here we go.

- I'm not making a joke.

- You're totally about to make a joke.

I'm not. I swear.

You hate the Test.

I mean, it's not for me.

I wouldn't take it,

but I see couples like you two

and it clearly works, so...

Thank you, mate. We appreciate that.

I mean, me and Laura certainly think so.

I was trying to pay her to leave

at the interval.

- You recommend it then?

- Yeah.

I mean, if you've got four hours

and you hate yourself, go for it.

- Four hours?

- I'd recommend.

My God.

- Hey, guys.

- This is us.

What? Oh, well, we're down here.

We should maybe go for one more drink.

What do you think?

- I...

- One more?

- Listen, it was great to see you.

- Great to see you, man.

- Let's do lunch?

- Congratulations.

- So lovely to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

I am... I'm up at 6:00,

so you guys go if you like.

- One more drink?

- I have...

I've got those seminars

that I haven't prepped, so...

That's true. Fair enough.

But you go.

You should.

No, I got big meetings and stuff.

I can't go.

It's good to see you.

Okay.

- I hate you being a grown up.

- Yeah, it's sh*t.

- See you later. Take care.

- Bye.

- Cheers.

- Cheers, mate.

Great night. Take it easy.

Hey.

Hey. What's up?

I'm fine.

What's happened?

I just knew it. I knew it.

- What are you talking about?

- I knew it. I'm such a f*cking idiot.

- Andrea.

- It's okay.

It's all right. I've always known.

Andrea. Hey.

Talk to me.

I just wanna go home.

- Hey!

- Hey.

How are you?

- Fab! How are you?

- I'm great.

- Let's go.

- Okay.

You really didn't have to come get me.

I could've got a cab.

Aren't there people you've gotta talk to?

Oh, my God. No, any excuse

to get away from those people.

They look at me and they say,

"I'm sorry for your loss."

And I say, "Thank you."

And then they just stare

as if I'm supposed to have another line.

I mean, what's the script?

What are you supposed to do?

I don't have any idea.

I think you're supposed to say,

"Thank you,

but he was a massive h*m*."

- Good to see you.

- Good to see you.

Thank you. Thanks for coming.

- Hi.

- Good to see you.

Yes, it's nice to see you.

He didn't retire for 42 years.

He wanted to end on a round number,

but he couldn't bring himself to stop.

And when he finally did retire,

it was because he physically

couldn't do it anymore.

It's been really wonderful

hearing his old employees reminisce

about the kind of person he was,

that he was a decent man,

was a man of ethics.

He was also stubborn.

He was very stubborn.

And he used to hold on to grudges

like they were precious gems.

I remember when I was six years old,

he took me into his work,

and I did a poo in his secretary's bin.

But he never forgave me for that...

and he brought it up in front

of every boyfriend I ever had.

I should've written something down.

You mean you didn't plan

the sh*t in the bin bit?

Was it really bad?

It was moving.

Have you got anything stronger?

Sorry,

I didn't bring more pills to a wake.

I'm an idiot.

I heard about you and Andrea.

For what it's worth, I thought

you two were really great together.

We were.

We were.

What did you do?

Nothing, but thank you

for assuming it was me.

You're welcome.

I don't know.

I think it just...

wasn't enough for either of us, I guess.

Luke's been so great.

He's unflappable.

He's such a great dad.

He knows when to pretend

to be deaf with both of us.

He works so hard, and he never complains.

Do you know how exhausting it

is to be married to...

He is making us all look bad.

His very existence makes me feel guilty.

Look at him.

Looking after your child

while you're out here looking for gak.

Can I say something?

Oh, God. This sounds ominous.

I think that you should get in touch

with your dad.

Laura.

I know that you think you're this hard guy

and you don't need anything, but...

there's things that you'll wanna be able

to say and then it's gonna be too late.

Sorry. I don't know even

what happened between the two of you.

- Sorry. I'm a wreck.

- No. I'm sorry.

Haven't told anybody this...

but I had to go through dad's stuff.

And...

I found an entire box of vintage porn.

Which you are completely entitled to.

That is fantastic news.

Very happy to inherit it.

- It's what he would have wanted.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

Wow.

I also found this box of letters.

And they were between him and this woman

that he must have been with

before I was born.

There's hundreds of them.

And they're all her telling him

about her day

and how much she misses him

and that she never questions his decision.

But not a day goes by in her life

where she doesn't, like...

And he was always writing back to her.

He never was seeing her.

He was just writing to her.

And he kept them.

Every single one.

There's so much love in those letters.

I never saw that with him and my mum.

Geez.

Yeah.

Really broke my heart.

Like, why didn't he just go to her?

'Cause he was with your mum.

'Cause he had you.

'Cause he was a decent man.

Because...

that's how life is.

Isn't it?

Get us a beer.

All right, geezer.

The day I took the Test,

did you give me the money

because you thought it might be you?

Nah.

Good to see ya.

Thank you for coming.

Thank you. Appreciate it.

- Hey, man.

- Hey.

- Great to see you.

- How you doing, man?

- You know.

- Yeah.

Thanks for coming.

- Lovely service.

- Thank you.

Laura was nervous, you know?

- So...

- She did great.

She did.

She did.

It's been hard recently.

I think she needs you.

She would never admit it,

but you know how she can get.

Yeah. I think so.

Yeah, last month

she didn't get out of bed for a week.

It was the worst I'd ever seen her.

She didn't tell me that.

You know, you've always been

who she turns to

when she wants to get out of her head.

And you two have got jokes I'll never get.

And...

You know, you've been there

whenever she's needed it.

And I just wanna say it's appreciated.

Massively, by both of us.

You're welcome.

- Thanks, man.

- Thank you.

- Right. I better...

- Yeah, you should.

- I'll see you in a little while. Okay?

- Yeah.

Hey, guys.

What you gonna do tonight?

Do you know yet?

Maybe you could see the trolls,

what they're doing.

- I don't want...

- Hey.

Hey.

- I gotta go.

- You're joking.

I got to be in by 8:00.

It's work stuff. Big boss sh*t.

Please stay.

You have to talk to

at least some of these people.

Don't make me do that.

Hey. It was good to see you.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Are you being sincere?

It looks like it.

Sascha.

Sascha.

My goodness. So strong.

Let's go find Daddy.

- Daddy.

- What's up?

I don't want to go, Daddy.

Where do you want to go?

f*ck.

Laura.

f*ck.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Let's get this over with.

I've gotta get back.

- Do you want a coffee?

- Yeah.

Hey. Could I get two black coffees please?

- Of course, you can.

- Great. Thanks.

- There you go.

- Thank you.

Thanks for meeting me.

I am this close

to getting a restraining order.

Laura. I've been in hell.

You come over, it's amazing.

You don't say a word and you leave.

I've been texting, I've been calling.

I didn't know if something

had happened to you.

I only came to your office

to make sure you were still alive.

I don't understand what happened.

Well, you took advantage of me.

You came to my house

at 2:00 in the morning.

I was vulnerable.

You kissed me, Laura.

My dad had just died.

You took advantage of me

at the lowest possible moment.

- I'm not going to forgive you for that.

- You can't act like this was all just me.

I'm married.

I wish I could... erase the whole thing.

Because I feel

like a complete piece of sh*t.

And I go home, and I have to live with it.

And you just swan around.

You can f*ck whoever you want.

What the f*ck are you talking about,

Laura?

I've been going insane.

You can't pretend

it didn't mean something.

It didn't. It didn't mean anything.

I came here to tell you to your face

that I've made a terrible mistake.

- And I'm leaving now.

- Laura.

Laura, this is stupid. Come on.

I'm asking you to please leave me alone.

I really don't want to see you again.

- Madame.

- Don't be weird.

- You okay, guys? Welcome.

- Hey, how you doing?

- How was the drive?

- Yeah. Good, thanks.

Let me get those for you.

Right this way.

Mr. and Mrs. Tavistock,

welcome to your room.

- Wow.

- Thank you very much. Thanks.

Listen. For the record,

I didn't say we were married,

I just booked a room for two.

Oh, no. I know.

I thought it was really funny.

Okay. Good.

f*cking hell.

Look at the size of this bathroom.

It's bigger than a bedroom.

Wow. It's really big.

You can sleep in here if you like.

Sort of ridiculous.

Yeah.

Cool.

Champagne.

"Hot stone bliss."

"Mystic rainforest wrap."

Is this what people do?

I feel really nervous.

I feel very nervous, too.

This is why I think

I'm reading out names of treatments.

- What do you wanna do?

- I don't know.

I think...

I think that I should make a call

and then I can turn my phone off.

And I won't worry about it

or obsess over it.

Right.

Why don't I go for a swim

and I'll leave you to it?

Okay.

- Simon.

- Yeah?

This is really, really nice.

Thank you.

Good luck.

- Thanks.

- I'll see you in a bit.

Did you talk to Robbie?

I think that's the right decision.

Yeah.

Yeah, good. I had three meetings today

and so I think I'm just gonna

enjoy the place where I am.

And there's a big bath, so I'll probably

have a nice bath and...

Yeah.

Will you give her a big kiss from me?

Yeah. Love you too.

Bye.

I was trying to play it cool.

Oh, darling. You're always cool.

Are you ready for your table now, sir?

Do you know what?

Sorry. Can I just cancel the table?

I'm just gonna stay here and drink.

Thank you.

Hi.

Hi.

Good day?

I went for a walk.

I had a mini panic attack.

Thought about going home.

Nearly did. Came back.

Took a shower. Feel better.

You?

Yeah. I went for a swim.

Thought I'd never see you again.

Tried to drown myself.

Didn't manage it, so I thought...

Try and drink myself to death instead.

But still here. But mostly pretty chill.

This is very grown-up.

Yeah, I know.

Did you bring any pills?

I really thought that was your job.

Damn it.

Thank you.

Any drinks for you, madam?

I assume you don't sell MDMA here? Do you?

I'm sorry.

I'll just have what he's having.

Thank you. I'll leave you that.

Thanks very much.

Sorry. I've just...

I've completely forgotten

how to act normal.

Yeah because it's weird.

It's all f*cking weird.

Nice to meet you. I'm Gary.

Gary. Nice to meet you.

I'm Sarah.

Sarah, is it?

So, what brings you over here, Sarah?

I'm here for a conference.

On?

Drug-running.

Pro or anti?

I design boats that operate silently.

Moving product back and forth.

And you?

I'm actually on the run.

I've just embezzled 15 million

of my company's money.

That's really impressive.

Yeah. It was until

they figured out my password.

- Well, what was it?

- Garyisalegend41.

Your drink, madam.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

It's...

It's funny, I'm actually in the market

for a boat as it goes, Sarah.

Need to make my escape to Saint Lucia.

Saint Lucia, is it?

- That's very nice.

- Very nice.

I think I can help you get out there.

- Yeah?

- But there is a catch.

I thought there might be. What is it?

I want in. I'm coming with you.

How would that work?

We would have to leave

first thing in the morning.

Get straight to the boat.

We have to get to Saint Lucia

before sunset.

- Fast boat.

- Super fast.

What happens when we get there?

- Buy up all the booze.

- Drink the country dry.

Downshift into pills.

And smack. If they have any.

There is another catch.

What is it?

We would have to be at it all day,

every day

because I have

a voracious sexual appetite.

- Really?

- Yes. Bit of a deal-breaker, I'm afraid.

Well...

If it gets me the boat.

Let's drink to that, Gary.

Why not, hey, Sarah?

f*cking hell.

What about the 7th?

'Cause I'm gonna be in Ireland then.

I'm in Wales then.

That still works.

We can meet halfway in a boat.

It's been decided.

You come find me in Ireland the minute you

finish your boring work thing in Wales.

Are you gonna give me a clue?

Where in Ireland?

No. You have to guess it.

Or I can just text it to you.

Whichever's easiest. But I gotta go.

Lukas is taking Sascha to see

Glasgow Granny next Tuesday.

Maybe we can slip out for a night then.

I've got an interview in Spain next week.

Do you do this just to t*rture me?

Oh, yes. That is how I arrange my diary.

Next one I can do

is maybe the weekend of the 23rd.

That seems so far away.

What am I meant to do in the meantime?

Make a cardboard cutout of my face

and put it on the wall.

- And just stare at it longingly?

- Yeah.

- With an erection?

- Yeah.

I think you'd be an amazing dad.

Why? Because mine's a c**t?

Now.

My mum was asking about you.

Was she?

Yeah. Said, "How is she?

Do you still see her?"

I said, "Yeah, I do." I said,

"You know what? I do see her a bit."

I said, "We're actually

still really good friends."

She was very happy to hear that.

Is that what you said? We're good friends?

- I said we're, like, really close.

- So close.

I said we're so close

that I'm actually inside her sometimes.

- Now.

- Nowhere near.

How old were you when they split up?

Just like eight or nine.

Did you still see him after that?

Well, he had this new girlfriend,

and she was a drunk and horrible.

And one weekend he picked me up

and we were in the car,

and I said to him that

I just didn't want to go there.

And I was like, "Can we just

hang out, just the two of us?"

And he went really, really quiet.

And he turned the car around,

and he drove me back home,

and he dropped me off.

And that was the last time

we ever saw him.

What's this look?

You know that when you're open

with me, it really turns me on?

f*cking hell.

You are a pervert.

I got called in the other day.

They want me to open

an office in Hong Kong.

They're trying to go international.

That sounds like quite a big opportunity.

Yeah.

Would take me very far away.

Yeah.

Right. I'll walk you.

No, it's okay.

- Sure?

- Yeah.

Thanks.

I can't leave Lukas.

And I would never ask you to.

I love you.

Yeah?

I love you too.

Get out of here.

I think I just saw Claire go in.

Hey, Simon. Simon.

Hey.

Hey, mate.

- Good to see you.

- You too.

- Hello, you.

- Hello, dickhead.

How's it going?

Yeah. Good.

Should we go to the... Should we go on in?

- Yeah?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Great.

- You get parked all right?

- Just down there a bit.

- Oh, nice.

Listen...

be good if you and me could

have a proper chat later.

Yeah. Sure.

Nice one.

How are ya? Looking forward to today.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please stand for the bride and bride.

Beautiful!

There he is.

- Hey, mate. How you doing?

- Hey.

- Good, man. Hey.

- Having a good night?

Yeah. Good. You?

Yeah. Brilliant. Oh, yeah.

Let me get you a drink.

I just ordered a whole round.

Do you want something?

- Yeah, f*ck it. Tequila.

- Okay.

Excuse me, man.

Sorry. Can I also get a tequila?

- Cheers.

- Thank you.

- So, how you doing? You good?

- Yeah. I'm good. How are you?

Yeah. Things are pretty great, actually.

Sascha's at such a great age,

and Laura's...

Laura's in a good place right now.

So, I feel very lucky.

I'm glad to hear it.

Thanks.

Listen, Simon, I've got to ask.

Has something happened with you and Laura?

What do you mean?

I don't know. Did something happen?

I feel like we haven't seen you in, like,

a year or something, man.

Look, whatever it is,

I'm sure we can work it out.

I'm sure Laura misses you. I do.

Man, no.

We're good. I mean,

we're the same as ever, I think.

At least as far as I'm concerned.

I've just been f*cking so busy with work.

I haven't seen anyone is the truth.

Okay. Yeah. You sure?

I think so. Yeah.

Unless she said something. I'm...

- No. No, look... Hey, look...

- Yeah. There...

- ...good. I'm glad. I was worried.

- Okay.

It's just... Well, it's just f*cking better

when you're in our lives.

- So...

- Man, that's...

- You're very kind, and I appreciate that.

- No worries.

Wait. So, listen, what's going on?

Laura said that

you've taken a job in Hong Kong.

No. I had to let that go. I...

I had too much going on here.

Cheers, pal. Right, right.

Right, yeah. Lots keeping you here.

I should get these back to people,

'cause they're gonna...

- No. I know, sorry.

- No. You're... I'm glad we got to catch up.

- Right. Me too.

- Listen, I'll see you in a bit.

- Okay. See you in a bit.

- Thank you.

Throwing some shapes here.

You better not be drink-driving.

No. This is zero alcohol.

Good man. Right, I'll see you in a bit.

SA-84 to Amsterdam

is departing in ten minutes from gate ten.

Final call. Flight SA-84 to Amsterdam.

Hey. Where are you?

Hey. Look...

I'm still at home.

I don't think I'm gonna make it.

- You're joking.

- I know. I'm sorry.

I said that I was gonna go away

with Jennie for press,

and then, well,

she couldn't get a hold of me.

She called Lukas,

and it's been a f*cking nightmare.

Are you there now?

Yeah. I'm stood in departures

like a f*cking plum.

I'm sorry. I want to be there.

No. Don't be.

It's fine. It's just... disappointing.

Maybe you should go anyway.

It could be a nice solo trip.

It's all booked.

No. It's pointless without you.

I'm sorry.

Please stop apologizing. I'm not...

- Laura, seen the car keys anywhere?

- ...annoyed at you. I'm just...

- I think I have to go. I'm sorry.

- ...I was really looking forward...

to actually...

Yes.

I can't steer!

- I'm so bad. Is your chair moving?

- No.

Well done. You win!

Yeah. Beautiful.

Yeah.

Yes.

Okay, don't go too far.

Game over. Wanna try again?

- Bullshit.

- Game over.

- Right. Down the Clown?

- Yeah.

sh*t. Lukas, I'm so sorry.

I've completely messed up the dates.

Yeah. No, no, no. It's fine.

It's absolutely fine. I can cancel it.

Yeah. Well, I'll come home

first thing tomorrow.

I can leave early. No, no, no. No worries.

Give her a kiss from me, okay? Love you.

Do you ever think about Andrea?

Sometimes.

She knew, didn't she?

Did you love her?

I tried to.

Sorry.

Don't be.

It was never like it is with you.

I know, but she must

look over every moment

and wonder if when you said, "I love you,"

you really meant it.

What's going on?

We hurt people.

And they don't even know

that we're doing it to them.

People get divorced.

Don't.

It happens all the time.

We have a child.

Even people with children.

I'm not going to leave Lukas.

I don't think you really understand

how complicated it is for me.

Do you think it's easy for me?

Do you know what happens

after we leave each other?

I have to, like, go home alone

and sit in the dark,

and just wait

until you deign to see me again.

And I have a husband, and a child,

and a perfect life that I keep ruining.

And every time he's kind to me,

I feel like a f*cking monster.

I know. I get it.

No, you don't.

You don't get it.

You get all the good bits.

I'm sorry. It's very...

It's easy for you. It just is.

What are you doing?

I'm not gonna have an argument

in my f*cking pants.

Okay. Shall I get dressed as well then?

This isn't enough for me anymore.

What are you saying?

You have to leave him.

Don't. You promised me.

Yeah. That was years ago.

No. You promised me.

People change, Laura.

I'm allowed to change.

I don't think

you want anything more, Simon.

There are things

that I keep from you on purpose

'cause I literally don't think

you could cope with them.

That's all I want. All I want

is to be with you through all of it.

But I don't want you to be.

That's not what we do.

I have somebody for that.

I love Lukas. I do, and I don't

want to leave him. I told you that.

I'm sorry.

Maybe you should take the Test.

It works. It really does.

It could be good for you.

That's your answer?

I want you to be happy.

I don't need to take the Test.

I already know. It's you.

You're my soul mate.

But I'm not.

I have always been there for you.

Don't tell me I only get the good bits.

I've given up half my life for you

because I love you. Is that not clear?

But this is all it was ever gonna be.

Yeah.

f*ck's sake.

You're actually leaving?

Don't be so stupid.

You're being a f*cking child.

You're being a f*cking child, Simon.

Come back.

You're being a f*cking child.

But don't worry about me 'cause

I'm gonna be f*cking fine without you.

Yeah. You will be.

f*ck.

- Hey.

- Don't get up.

- Hi. Nice to meet you.

- Hi.

- Thanks for coming.

- So sorry. I'm so late.

Don't be silly.

It's London. It's rush hour.

- You ran.

- Yeah.

Hey.

Hi. It is so good to see you.

Yeah.

Manny did a thing for my magazine once.

He said that you'd had

a series of terrible dates.

- He's not wrong.

- Right.

He said to me, "You have to meet her

because everyone she's met recently

is a massive d*ck."

And I thought, "So, what,

you're just adding me to that list?"

That's how Manny pitched it?

- That's how Manny set up the date?

- Right.

- Okay. Right.

- Great. Thanks, Manny.

Have you ever had it where

you meet the person and you're like,

"What on earth did I say that made you

think I would get on with this freak?"

- I do know exactly what you mean. Yeah.

- Yeah.

- I've had that a lot.

- Yeah.

Well, Manny told me

that you hate the Test.

So, sold me.

Hate it. Ruined all our lives. You?

Yeah. Absolutely.

Wish they'd never found the bloody thing.

f*cking scientists.

We might be the last two people on earth

still holding out.

Yeah. Hold that thought.

I'll be back in a minute.

- His name's Patrice.

- Patrice.

And he lives in Argentina.

Yeah. Bit of a nightmare, but,

yeah, we're seeing each other again

this October, and...

Yeah. We talk every day,

and he's just really hot.

This is so brilliant because you were

quite against the Test.

So, what happened?

Yeah. Well...

It was you, actually.

What? How?

Look, I know that there was

something going on with Simon.

Maybe it was something.

Maybe it was nothing.

I don't know. It doesn't matter.

I just know that he definitely loved you.

- And that there was something there.

- But I haven't...

I mean, I haven't seen Simon in ages.

Yeah. No. Honestly, it's fine.

I understand it.

And I was upset about it for, like,

a really long time,

but I just realize that,

you know, all this time later

and you're still with Lukas.

Right? And he's still with you.

And that's forever.

And you guys are really happy, right?

Yeah. Yes.

I... I love Lukas.

We're really very happy.

Yeah. See, that was it. You're the proof.

And when I met Patrice I just felt it.

I'm really happy for you.

Thank you.

This is me.

Okay.

That was fun.

Yeah. It was.

Should we do it again?

Yeah. Sure. Let's.

See, so fun, making our own choices.

See you soon.

- Hi. Sorry I'm late.

- Hi, Jennie.

- It's okay. I factored in Jennie time.

- f*ck you.

- You smell good.

- You smell good also.

- You ready to do the intro like you said?

- Yep, absolutely.

Okay, so we just need some chairs in here.

I think Jay's ready to go.

Does she know

which chapter she's gonna do?

Yes, she does.

- She said chapter nine or ten.

- Okay.

She hasn't decided.

You know what she's like at the moment.

- Hi.

- At least they have drinks.

Yeah. Please.

- May we?

- Thank you.

Hi.

Simon.

- Indi.

- How are you?

- How are you, man? Good to see you.

- Very well.

Indi wrote for the summer issue,

and is excellent at deadlines,

- which is a rarity, so thank you.

- That's very kind.

He wasn't saying that to me

last time I saw him.

So, how did you find the opening?

I actually... I find it fascinating.

Who's that?

That is a...

He used to date a friend of mine.

Quite a long time ago,

so I haven't seen him in years.

Well, he's with the journo from Culture,

so I hope she gives us a good write-up.

Are you coming?

Do you know what, Jennie,

do you mind doing the intro?

What, what's wrong?

I just... I'm not feel...

I don't think I feel very good.

Yeah. Sure.

You know I love public speaking.

Hello and welcome, everyone.

Wonderful to see you here this evening.

We've got a very special evening

planned for you.

"Even if she'd been able to

articulate her feelings,

she was sure Craig wouldn't

understand them.

He didn't strike her as a man stirred

by matters of the heart.

What kind of a woman likes

the sound of a man

she first communicated with

by an adult-text-messaging service?

But still, she couldn't figure out why

Andrew's messages over the next six hours

were just different.

He had the same punctuation

and letters available to him.

The same basic lexicon with its tricks,

flaws, limitations and scope.

It was something

closer to feeling than to language.

From these same 26 chunks of the alphabet

and the ways humans have devised

to blend them together,

and carve them into pieces,

he was able to conjure a connection."

Laura!

You were just gonna leave?

No "Hi, Simon. How you doing?"

Hi, Simon. How you doing?

I'm good. Thanks.

You?

You look good.

Thank you. So do you.

How's Lukas?

He's great.

And Sascha?

Yeah, she's good.

Good.

I'm here with my girlfriend.

That's great.

Yeah, it is.

Is she your...

My toaster?

No.

How long have you been together?

Not long.

I have been trying to move on since you,

you know, f*cked off.

I didn't f*ck off. You f*cked off.

Please, don't.

I called you so many times.

Yeah, but I couldn't

just answer the phone, Simon.

I couldn't just... answer it.

I'm moving to California.

I got offered a job,

and it's a good opportunity.

And nothing keeping me here anymore, so...

No, I guess not.

I leave in a month.

I've got to go.

I've got to explain why I went out.

But it was really good to see you.

I don't know how to love anyone else.

It's only you.

You're like...

You're like f*cking heroin to me.

You've never done heroin.

You don't know. I could have.

Yeah, I do.

Wow.

Wow.

I love it.

I wanna jump in. I wanna jump in.

I reached out to my dad.

Wow. That's really huge.

He...

died four years ago.

No one had informed us.

Oh, Jesus, Simon. I'm so sorry.

No... Don't be. It's...

I hadn't seen him in, like... 35 years.

I don't know what I was expecting,

what sort of imaginary closure

I was hoping for.

Oh, Simon.

So, why did you call him then?

I didn't wanna have any more regrets.

I should've told you.

The day you took this Test,

I should've told you I loved you then.

I should've told you not to go in.

Well, what makes you think that

that would've stopped me?

Get in the sea.

What's that?

Had a fight with a window, and lost.

What did she look like?

That's none of your business,

what I get up to with a window.

She had really sharp teeth, didn't she?

Where did you meet the vampire woman?

It was in a car park.

I said to her, "Have you eaten?"

And what did she say?

She said, "Not yet."

I said, "Do you wanna go for a bite?"

I misunderstood the situation

I'd walked into.

There.

I have to get it.

I have to get it. I have to get it.

Hi. Good, how are you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, really good.

Everyone turned up.

I think we sold

about a thousand, actually.

Yeah, exactly. How are you?

Oh, really?

Did I snore last night?

Was that you? I thought it was the kraken.

How could you fancy me?

I love it. It is very comforting.

Sort of like...

It's very sensual.

How long do we have left?

The car is on its way.

Hmm. Right.

When are you leaving?

I leave in a week.

Maybe I could come with you.

How would that work?

Well, we'd have to leave immediately.

I couldn't go home first.

Yeah, you couldn't go home.

We'd have to go straight to the airport,

get ourselves to America...

Find a cool apartment.

Very cool. All leather sofas.

Gross, gross sofas. All wipe clean.

Buy up all the booze.

Drink the country dry.

Quickly find a dealer.

Downshift into heroin.

And crack if they have it.

Get high on our own supply.

Have sex all day.

A lot of nonstop sex and drugs.

We would be dead within a month.

But what a month it would be.

The best.

Did I do you wrong?

What do you mean?

Did I stop you from being happy?

Laura...

These moments with you...

they've been the highlights of my life.

Same.

It's here.

Walk you out.

Please, don't.

Hey.

I'll miss you.

Every single day.