01x08 - Greyscale

[bunniefuu]

I remember Greyscale.

Ow! My Greg-scale!

Greyscale Greyscale.

What the Greyscale?

I can't believe

you're Greyscaling up with me.

This is the worst funeral

I've ever Greyscaled to!

It's for your own Greyscale.

Greyscale me, please!

I'm Greyscale.

If you Grey in a dream,

you Scale in real life.

Well, it's official.

I cannot handle Sleepytime tea.

And then Caryn and V ran off,

I have no idea where to.

I dumped Benji then got pulled over

for doing 90 on the 101,

which is honestly insane!

That's crazy!

The speed limit is 101!

It's right there in the name!

Thank you.

Anyway, it was a funeral to remember.

I just wish I knew

where V and Caryn were right now.

I can't find any trace of them.

I checked every place

two middle-aged cis women might hide.

Talbots, Ann Taylor Loft, everywhere!

Oh, wait!

Oh, shitballs.

Thought there might be an Annie Lennox

concert somewhere but nope, I'm stumped.

Wherever they are, I hope they're safe.

For now, all we know is V was right.

She didn't k*ll her partner

and there is a conspiracy at the AIA.

And worst of all, the Agency has

the ability to mess with our minds!

If they can mess with our minds,

what else can they mess with, our asses?

You wanna believe they'd make them bigger,

but they could make them smaller!

The last thing

V said to me was "Greyscale."

It's gotta be a clue.

Wait, Greyscale isn't a mattress brand

that advertises on podcasts, is it?

If the Agency sent Greg to get you two

and he comes back empty-handed,

they'll know something's up.

I bought us some time. I left Greg tied up

and unconscious in Tarzana.

No ID. No cash. No weapons.

What did you do with his cash?

Did you spend it? Can I have it?

Greg's a good spy.

He's probably halfway to DC by now.

Can someone drive me across the country?

My best friend beat me up!

But we can't rest

until we know what Greyscale is,

and we clear V's name

by any means necessary.

f*ck, yeah.

Any is my favorite means necessary.

You two know

that's a Malcolm X quote, right?

It's not just words.

And you're sure

this is the only mention of Greyscale

in the entire AIA database?

Yep. I built a search algorithm

more powerful than Google

and only slightly less evil.

It's so redacted.

Just 30 pages of "the" and "is."

It's worse than when rappers perform

at the Kids' Choice Awards.

I'm afraid to ask but, Stat, what would

it take for you to find us more info?

We still talking any means necessary

or am I bound by

the law?

Any means necessary.

The Greyscale file was created

by Dr. Hammond.

He's worked with the Agency

for a long time

but Greyscale seems to be

the only project associated with him.

Well, that was easy.

Yeah, I thought you'd have to do something

scary and insane to get that info.

Hmm?

Sorry. I thought I had those muted.

Yeah, nothing too scary or insane.

Just faked a nuclear threat from Canada.

The systems went haywire

and I hacked the metadata undetected.

Jesus! Where's Dr. Hammond now?

Looks like Palm Springs.

Says he's a podiatrist now.

Hammond I thought

I knew every podiatrist in California.

My arches have fallen so far,

they're outies.

"#birthdayvibes."

"Feeling a year older as f*ck."

"None of my co-workers

have even mentioned it yet

so you know

they're planning something special."

Purple horny devil emoji.

Ice cream cone emoji.

Here's your false identity for today.

We're headed to Palm Springs.

Elaborate roleplay?

My absolute fave.

Who am I? The perfect boy

who jumps out of his own cake

then licks himself clean like a cat

while the world applauds?

You're a body glitter sales lady

who wants to get a jump on Coachella.

Sparkly! I'm in.

Stat, this so-called mission

is a great cover

for a surprise birthday weekend!

Oh. No, Twink, it's actually a coincidence

that we're going to Palm Springs today.

Q-Force is on a secret mission

against the AIA.

Yes, of course,

secret mission against the AIA.

- Listen

- This is already my best birthday ever!

Even better than my second Sweet 16.

The theme was

"Like A Virgin: Miami Nights: wh*res."

So what specific festivities

are on the docket?

'Cause this fringed caftan

shrieks Palm Springs

but if there's a fire pit involved,

a lot of people could get hurt.

Yeah. I think you'll be fine.

Sir, please, I just

I sent you to Q-Force

to keep those f*ck in line,

and what do you do? Let 'em run wild,

and ditch your duties

for Gyenorvyan poontang!

You're suspended until further notice!

You're f*ck' useless.

I am so sorry, sir! Truly.

Now, may I

Yes, you can piss now.

Is somebody out there?

It's Mary.

I heard what Chunley just said to you.

Here to rub it in?

You're so f*cking petty.

Grow up, Tom Petty!

No, I'm not here

to rub it in or be a jerk,

both of which are weird to say

while your p*nis is out.

Well, then give me a sec.

Almost done.

I actually think it's admirable

that you haven't been snitching on us

to Chunley this whole time.

It's a f*cked-up assignment.

I kinda forgot that's what

I was supposed to be doing here.

Everything's so shiny and hairless.

Well, anyway, Dirk might think

you're useless but I don't.

Hey, why don't you spend your suspension

proving him wrong and me right?

Come on,

work with Q-Force on a top secret mission.

That sounds kinda good, actually.

I thought you'd say

something way shittier.

I just hate

that Daddy's disappointed in me.

I mean, I just hate

that Chunley's f*cking mad at me.

I get it.

He's been mad at me for a decade.

Don't let it stop you.

You're thinking about how I haven't

washed my hands yet. I can tell.

You're hilarious, Mar.

It's so hot and dry out here.

My knees have stopped creaking

but now my skin creaks.

Listen.

There's Dr. Hammond!

Greyscale. We're about to

figure your a*s out.

Wait. Is there actually

a mission happening right now?

Of course there is.

Why else would we be here?

Um Wow! Just wow!

Just, like, let me absorb this.

- What are you talking about, Twink?

- It's my birthday, you fool!

Or perhaps I'm the fool

to think you'd ever be thoughtful enough

to throw a surprise birthday party

for me, the apple of your eye!

I think it's his birthday.

- Yeah, I got that. Thanks, Buck.

- I can't I just Wow!

I can't with you people!

I shan't!

I'll make sure he doesn't

blow our cover, or his brains out.

What are you up to, Hammond?

What did V want us to know about you?

What the hell?

Do any of your podiatrists ever do that?

No, but to be fair, our insurance sucks.

Maybe this is what Greyscale is,

but what's it got to do with V?

This is weird. Stepford Wives weird.

Nicole Kidman Stepford Wives weird.

Whoa. Okay, white Simone Biles!

Is he on HGH?

Should I be on HGH?

We need to find out more.

More about Dr. Hammond?

sh*t on a stick!

Dr. Hammond's a miracle worker!

My neighbors and I all had

the worst headaches and nightmares

that kept us up all night screaming,

but then Dr. Hammond

gave us our foot pills.

And we love our foot pills.

Neat. Yeah, that makes perfect sense.

You're crouching on snake eggs.

Have a good day.

Now there is a mind

that's been messed with.

Ew. There's, like,

snake yolk all over my knees.

- How did I not feel that?

- Ugh.

We need to stay off the AIA's radar

and get our answers quietly, okay?

I'm going to work on old

Oh, The Matrix!

No, Ratatouille!

Mrs. Doubtfire!

The Bodyguard?

Wait. Oh, my God! I have the best idea.

Keto lipstick.

Also, why don't I head downtown and try

to get intel from the drag community?

- It's my birthday so I get to do it.

- That actually is a good idea.

You and Stat go do recon with the locals

while we keep our eye on the cul-de-sac.

Why do I have to go? I wanna watch

these weirdos through their windows.

Stat, it's my birthday! My birthday!

You love me, remember?

Also, we'll get drunk.

Oh. Okay. Sounds good.

Hammond's handsome patient

left his house three minutes ago.

Don't tell Benji I called him handsome.

Wait, sh*t! Benji and I broke up.

But we kinda had to break up.

Oh, that's so sad.

Also, he wouldn't have cared.

He was so chill.

Mary.

Dude.

- Oh.

- Oh.

Sorry about that.

Please, have at them.

Thank you. I love carrots.

I'm Steve, by the way.

Andrew, I think carrots are fine.

And you're really cute!

Me? You should talk.

You're like King Triton with shorter hair

and legs instead of a tail.

And now you know how horny

I used to get watching The Little Mermaid.

That's usually a second date convo.

No, it's cool. For the record,

I had a little bit of a thing for

that Robin Hood fox in the late '70s, so

Steve, how have I never

seen you around before?

Oh, I actually just moved to town.

I love it out here. It's burning hot.

Super warm. Yeah, burning.

Uh Well, if you're looking

to make some friends in town,

I'm hosting a little happy hour

for my neighbors this afternoon.

Everyone brings people and I've got a pool

in case you want to get mermaidy.

That sounds really nice. Thank you.

I'll definitely be there.

Tell me the address

since I don't already know where you live.

Right. Of course.

See you soon,

and, uh, enjoy those carrots, handsome.

Okay, we're in. Cul-de-sac happy hour.

And no one brought up

The Little Mermaid or anything.

g*y men will really just invite anyone

they're attracted to into their home.

Good thing a lot of you are so jacked.

That was smooth, bro.

Just like my favorite song by Santana

featuring Rob Thomas, "Smooth."

- Have you heard that song before?

- I have. Now, let's get

Froot Loops.

I was thinking the same thing.

No, I was going to say let's get

Froot Loops and milk

and a bowl and a spoon.

- Should we do this now?

- Fine!

Drag queens are the eyes,

ears and throats of any town.

If there's anyone

who'll know about a creepy doctor,

they'll be here and lip-syncing

to a Donna Summer remix.

Want to start a tab?

If you check, you'll see

I've started one for myself.

Should be under Shiloh Jolie-Pitt.

Wow! Look at that gorgeous glamour girl!

She's like me but a picture!

That's Aunt Jenny.

She's about to go on, actually.

LOL. #comedy, #SNL. I love her already!

This reveal is going to be epic!

Here we go, girl!

Show us you're young! Slay!

Blue moon ♪

I saw you standing alone ♪

Wow!

Wow!

in my heart ♪

I changed it!

I retired early, got sick of the rat race.

Well, you've come to the right place.

The rats can't race here

or else their hearts and lungs

explode from the heat.

Yes, because it's hot.

Sure is, and then cold at night.

So, Jerry, was it?

What did you do

before you retired out here?

I retired from the store.

Uh-huh. So, the store

I retired from the store.

Most days I'm tooling up the golf cart.

I'm making it amphibious

so I can take the wife

from the shallow end to the deep end

without getting pool water in her eyes.

Disagrees with her drops.

Uh-huh. Relatable as hell. Go on.

And then, you know,

it's time for foot pills.

And hello! It's tomorrow.

Must be some strong-a*s pills.

And you say your wife's name was Pam?

Uh, Pan, like Peter.

Oh. Sorry, fellas. Should have warned you.

I'm a world-class dart-er.

sh**t! Again? We're out of darts.

We've got to start buying

more than three at a time.

I think I know

what's going on around here.

- Everyone here is

- g*y.

An ex-AIA agent.

Did you just say Yeah, of course, Buck!

My clue was

that even the darts were pounding a*s.

Darts are boys.

These are all g*y ex-AIA agents

from before Q-Force existed.

They just don't remember,

like V didn't about Caryn!

Dude, this could have been us!

Not me.

No, not you. You would've been fine.

More than fine, really.

But there's something

really creepy and bad about this.

I wonder if what the doctor's

doing to these people is Greyscale!

I've got a plan.

Great job up there!

You sounded really scary!

Oh, thanks.

I know I shouldn't

do "Tears in Heaven" as my closer

but, hey, I love the tune!

Mind if I sit?

My walker

doesn't match this look.

My legs are about to give.

Sure! Today's my birthday

and you're the main event.

Let me buy you a round.

You could pretend there's a candle in it,

but don't really

put a candle in there, Johnny.

I've lost too many

of my sisters to drinks on fire.

Drink up!

I'll share a tale that always

lifts my spirits when I'm feeling down.

The tale of the time I convinced

Marlon Brando and James Dean

to have a threesome with Eartha Kitt!

Whoa. The best Catwoman!

Tied for first with Michelle Pfeiffer,

Adrienne Barbeau, Julie Newmar,

Halle Berry, Eliza Dushku, Anne Hathaway

Eartha was a hoot!

Me, her and Princess Grace used to party

all night at Elvis' Honeymoon Ranch.

I stole this pinky ring off her

during a particularly long

evening of strip-Twister!

Oh, cocaine!

Wow! I knew I needed

to be around my people today.

You're way cooler than the other

old people we've met out here.

Get this, there's this one neighborhood

with its own foot doctor! Ew.

Oh, sure, Yucca Vista. Dr. Hammond.

I know everyone in this town.

I've lived here longer

than most of the cactuses have.

Oh, he's a real wacko.

I mean, who'd want to live

way up at the top of the mountain

the aerial tramway goes to?

Wait. You know where Dr. Hammond lives?

Twink, your selfish plan paid off!

They always do!

Now let's steal a car

and drive to f*cking Paris, b*tch!

Andrew!

Sorry, I

I just need my foot pills, I think.

- This headache

- Yeah, you're really tense.

Maybe your headache has

something to do with

- Wait, what's this?

- My back brace.

All of Hammond's patients have them.

He says the back

is the window to the foot.

God! They really

don't want you to remember, do they?

Don't get old, kid. It's nothing

but problems once you go grey.

It didn't have to be like this.

What?

Judy?

What happened? What was that?

- Did you remember something?

- No! Well, not a memory.

Something that's never happened.

I've never been to Vienna

and I didn't know Judy when I was younger.

- I met her

- When you retired from the store?

I didn't tell you that

This is it!

This is what V needed me to find.

This is amazing! Oh, my God, Andrew!

- Andrew?

- Uh

I'm gonna go lie down now.

I think the party's over.

They've all got those metal back braces.

This is crazy!

You should've seen the look on his face

when I cracked his back.

He didn't remember anything!

We have to wake them up.

If the AIA f*cked with your brain,

wouldn't you want to know? I would.

I plan to retire to a house

exactly like Judy's on my own terms,

not because the damn AIA told me to.

Stat, what's up? What did you find?

An incredible drag queen. Very old.

But, also, I know where Dr. Hammond lives.

Perfect. He definitely f*cked with

these people's minds, like he did with V.

Find me whatever you can about Greyscale

because we've got a cul-de-sac to save!

You said sack.

Okay, me and Twink

are gonna go be Catwomans. Peace.

She was really inspired just now.

Yes?

Hi! Are you the famous Dr. Hammond?

So sorry to disturb you at your home,

but I'm just struggling so much

with my feet.

Feet? Uh

I'm sorry, you'll have to schedule

an appointment with my secretary.

Oh, please!

My feet are so tiny and beautiful,

they're actually causing me physical pain.

Ow. My feet hurt! Ow.

- Darn!

- That doesn't sound good.

I mean, I'm definitely a podiatrist,

but let me just grab a book or two

to jog my memory about how to fix feet.

No! Wait! No, no, no!

- Hey!

- Uh-oh.

What's going on here?

You're on Scare Tactics!

Ow!

Get out of my study!

Not until we get what we came here for!

Which is Um Uh

- Greyscale.

- Yeah, Greyscale.

What the hell is that?

Tell us now, old man!

Greyscale?

I haven't heard it

said out loud in so long,

but I always knew this day would come.

It couldn't stay secret forever.

Too bad you'll never know the truth!

Hey!

Damn! They make tackling

look so much easier in football porn!

Ew. He owns a Segway?

Certified creep status!

Aunt Jenny was right!

Not on my birthday, you don't!

What the hell are you?

I'm the birthday boy

and these jellybones came to play!

Miss Piggy taught me that move.

You won't get far.

I've already alerted

the AIA that you're here.

As far as I'm concerned,

this whole dark chapter

of my life is finally over.

Sinatra, I'm coming for you, baby.

And by the way,

your feet are actually ugly.

Now that is a death drop.

We got the file,

but you guys missed this, like,

birthday action sequence.

You guys, you did it!

We can help all of Hammond's patients.

One teeny tiny snag.

- Hammond is dead.

- Oh, my God!

Also before he died, he alerted the AIA

so they know we're here.

Um, oopsie-doopsies?

Deb, can you read this?

My eyeballs just stopped working.

I know, right?

Imagine dying on my birthday.

I guess it's

The circle of life! ♪

Damn! Greyscale wasn't just designed

to erase people's memories.

It says here the Agency

wanted to use it to change people,

people who didn't "fit in."

Oh, no! Dorks?

q*eer people.

I guess back then,

they didn't just send them to WeHo,

out of sight, out of mind.

It's high-tech conversion therapy.

They couldn't turn people straight,

so they just took away

their memories of being spies.

Can you imagine not remembering

everything we've been through together?

Damn!

Does every neighborhood out here

have its own doctor and airport?

sh*t, me and Pam

might pack up the U-Haul tonight!

No. It's AIA! They're here. f*ck!

Jump in the 'Ru!

I got a plan

to wake these California Raisins up.

Too loud! It's after 5:00 p.m.!

They've got their back braces on!

Initiating magnet mode.

Why do we even have magnet mode?

In case we ever want to have a picnic

with the car as a table,

but it's real windy out. Duh!

Just do the damn donuts, Mary.

Andrew!

I remember!

Andrew, there are bad people here.

People who want to hurt you.

Jerry, how did we get here?

Is this a mission?

The AIA

Greyscale!

We all got put

on Greyscale, then

Oh, God. You can't know any of this.

What am I doing?

You should go. Save yourself!

Don't get mixed up with a guy like me.

My life's too dangerous.

No, I'm AIA, too,

and I just gave that same speech

to a guy two days ago.

I see why he was so upset.

It does come across a tidge patronizing.

But if you're AIA, they're gonna want

to Greyscale the sh*t out of you.

You're, like, g*y, g*y, g*y, g*y.

All of you are, it looks like.

Gayer than two left shoes, honey!

Your squad got us this far,

but my friends and I

have unfinished business.

Let us take it from here.

Go, now!

- That was absolutely cuckoo.

- How are we going to find V and Caryn?

- Is anyone following us?

- Don't think so.

Mary, blind spot!

Jesus, is the magnet still on?

Everyone, down!

Oh, my God. It's V and Caryn!

Thank God you figured it out!

V! You look amazing

for someone who was shot very recently!

For real! Damn woman stops time!

Okay. Now we chase

you guys through the desert.

No? Not the vibe right now?

Thanks for hanging with me on my b-day.

You're the only one who gets it.

I actually don't.

I'm allergic to birthdays,

but you really give a sh*t, and

Anyway, here.

A heavy duffel bag!

I love presents that make me feel

itsy-bitsy by comparison!

$10,000 cash. I stole it

from Hammond before he busted us.

Whoa.

Okay. I'm gonna buy

one really pretty pair of shoes with this!

How was Jerry?

He was always so good

at baking and assassinations.

He seemed good, Carol.

Caryn. Jesus.

So this is the one you like?

They look the same to me.

I know. The Agency has a type.

I'm glad you two are okay.

Here's everything we need to know.

Now let's f*cking fix this.

Just to say it,

if you want to keep going down this road,

there's no coming back.

Some cans of worms can never

be filled back up with more worms again,

no matter how many worms you find or buy.

Understood. This whole time

I've been so worried

trying to prove

I'm good enough for the AIA,

but now it's time for the AIA to change

and be good enough for me.

And good enough for my squad.

I haven't touched a man

in a long-a*s time.

Squeeze me harder, p*ssy!

Is that all you got?

So we gotta talk

about Caryn, by the way.