02x02 - Xavier's Maneuver

[bunniefuu]

Xavier: how do you make a

Man?

A quarter-pound of deboned

Spine, a little salt of the

Earth, and for punch, a pinch of

Paprika of protection.

If I was a car, I'd be a

Protecto-rati.

If a kangar me be, 'tis true,

Protecto-roo.

Serve warm over protecto-roni --

Oh, no!

Sir, don't jump!

You have so much to live for.

Eh, blow it out your rump!

I'm trying to work here, freak.

Xavier: I know things look

Bleak now.

No disguising you have the whiff

Of stench life about you.

I do? [ Sniffs ]

Xavier: I know it is tempting

To escape the misery of your

Daily grind.

No more pain ever again?

Xavier: sure, jumping would

Be an exhilarating and glorious

End -- sweet, succulent, full

Release all over the sidewalk.

He's right.

Live with this, regina-a-a-a-a!

[ Smooch ]

Xavier: why did you suicided?

Don't be an indian giver.

Life is a gift.

The gift of life is its

Presence.

But, in injun-giving presence,

Truly the giver is the receiver

Of a re-give-ed gift.

Iloveit.

Xavier: [ gagging ]

Redeem my life.

Xavier: I will carry on your

Life legacy as your redeemer.

I shall take up your squeegie

And squeege all that you have

Left unsquoge.

Mistermistersqua?

I shall redeem this on your

Behalf, ensure that your wasted

Life was not squandered in vain.

Your legacy, mr. Squa, shal

Live on in my belly.

I can feel it in my gut.

What do you want on your

Sandwich?

Xavier: I want something tha

Will do due diligence on a man's

Life.

Doo doo?

We've got luncheon loaf.

Xavier: that'll do, brian.

[ Sighs ] for a dollar extra,

You can get that on our famous

Chicken bone bread.

Chicken bone bread -- the only

Bread that'll choke you with

Flavor.

Xavier: what would squa do?

[ Gagging ]

He's choking!

Do the heimlich maneuver!

Xavier: no!

She's choking!

Do the heimlich maneuver!

Xavier: no.

Mommy, are you okay?

[ Creaking ]

Yeah, they're just giving me

The heimlich maneuver.

Xavier: all six of those

Guys?

Its not a very good maneuver.

[ Grunts ]

Xavier: stop this cycle of

Choke-ulence!

The heimlich maneuver is the

Barbaric product of a backwards

And upside-down mind.

We've got to act quick.

Time is ticking.

Tick, tock.

Tick. A talking tick?

What would a talking tick say?

[ Voice distorted ]

And that is how I developed my

Own chicken-choking maneuver.

As a tribute to my mother, I

Practice it on myself at night.

Behold.

[ Inhales deeply ]

[ Exhales deeply ]

[ Gasps ] that was close

Call.

Why you likee do this favor for

Me?

Xavier: a great man in his

Final moments requested "blow I

Out your rump."

Me thinkee me should sue this

Place long time.

Xavier: who will be your

Witness?

I'll be my own witness.

Xavier: then you're a target.

They're going to try to stop you

From testifying.

They've already tried to k*ll

You once.

I'll stay on as your protection,

And I won't rest until you

Aren't k*lled by those

Chicken-chokers who won't res

Until you've been whacked off.

Someone wants me dead?

Xavier: hell, you may no

Live to hear the end of this

Sen

Tense, isn't it?

This kook is spookin' me.

Am I nuts?

[ High-pitched voice ] he did

Save your life, boss.

And he seems sweet like

Yummy candy, whoo ♪

Xavier: the case of the

Detecting clues begins.

First -- what do you do?

I guess you could say

Protection business.

Xavier: protection.

We fellow protectorators are

Comrades conjoined at the coin,

Co-coinels on the same corncob.

I thrust my trust into you, come

Thick or thicker than blood,

Brother.

Now I'm really spooked.

Xavier: is there anyone who

Would like to see you dead?

There is a certain clien

Who's past due on some payments.

You're supposed to pay me 10 g's

A month.

I'd hate to have to use this on

You, pavlov.

We both know how it ends up.

Look, I'm no having any

Moneys.

Hello?!

Is there any money in there?

Xavier: I'm heading up this

Case.

What do you know abou

Chicken-choking?

Where were you on the night in

Question?

You seem awfully nervous for a

Guy who's totally freaked ou

Right now.

Do the words

Mean anything to you?

Are you that slippery

Throat-b*ner I'm itching to

Snatch?

Who's the new guy?

Xavier: without me, he'd be

Dead.

Imagine a crab without its

Shell.

Imagine a man without his skin.

Okay, I want to keep my skin.

I pay! I pay!

This monkey on my back has

Got a twisted mind.

But I like it. That's the twist.

Sorry I had to hang you

Upsy-daisy.

Listen, boss, it doesn'

Sound so tough saying,

"Upsy-daisy."

Sounds like some kind

Of silly song, like --

Upsy-daisy, upsa-doo ♪

Let me have some candy, and

Let me love you ♪

Shut up! Shut up!

You're a good henchman,

Disgracio, but you should shu

Your trencheon and stick to your

Henchin'.

Aw, come on, boss, you go

The only singing henchman in the

Business.

It's a twofer.

I'm your twofer, got a swee

Tooth for candy-andy yummy

Sweets ♪

Oh, candy, whoo ♪

Shut up! Shut up!

Hey, boss, you're getting

Kind of riled up.

Here, have a hot towel.

Hot towels, hot cocoa, and

Marshmall-ooh ♪

[ Normal voice ] you're the

Backup I asked for, right?

What are you? Cia? Fbi?

Xavier: I'm investigating for

A higher power.

I don't know how much you've

Been briefed, but I've been on

The inside tracking don h*

Undercover 12 years.

I'm this close to his big

Secret.

Obviously, I made some bad

Decisions on my first day, and

I've just had to stick with

Them.

I was a hotshot kid just out of

The academy, and they didn'

Give us enough on character

Development, so I was jus

Free-balling it.

I started this singing-henchman

Thing out of nervousness, and

Then the candy thing jus

Happened.

I see you've made some bad

Choices, too.

You got the fur and the fake

Snake hand.

Wait. You're not a cop.

[ High-pitched voice ] ooh,

Candy and goo ♪

Lovin' choco-moo ♪

Yummy-yum-yum cookie, whoo ♪

You still singing?

No, boss, I stopped singing

Some time ago.

Whoa ♪

Xavier: I just put the pieces

Together about what's really

Going on here -- a "don," the

"Protection business," "cops."

The cops might have info abou

The case of the chicken-choker.

We ought to squeeze the cops and

See what grease squeezes out.

I think I get it.

We put the squeeze on the cops.

You're so smart, I'm getting a

Smard-on -- szechuan beef!

Xavier: you distract them,

And I'll peep-peep through their

Files.

Good afternoon, officers.

Hey, look, it's dale from

That undercover thing.

Candy and goo and don'

Talk-a-loo ♪

Don't cut their heads off

Just yet, graci.

Chicken, chicken.

[ Lisping ] youse guys gots

Yourselves some real nice

Law-enforcement facilities here.

It'd be a shame if someone

Slobbered all over it.

Maybe if you give to my fund,

There won't be any crime or

Extortion right around here.

I don't know what you're

Talking about, but I'll pay you

Money to stop spitting on me.

Xavier: bingo-doodle-doo.

No question my detective work

Paid off.

[ Normal voice ] me likee

Your style.

Xavier: wait -- the file says

"Chicken" chikowski is dead.

He's trying to k*ll you from the

Afterlife.

How do you k*ll a dead k*ller?

You can't.

You have to change his mind, go

Talk some sense into him on the

Other side.

Yeah, talking sense into

People from another realm.

That's some real unexplored

Turf.

Xavier: okay, shove the bone

In your throat, and when you say

The six code words, I'll blow.

[ Gasping ]

This is a glorious and loving

Light you got up in here.

It sure would be a shame if this

Heavenly light were to be shamed

Right up your genitalia.

So you just sit tight while I

Take my cut.

The six code words!

This is just the first chapter

In near-death extortionism.

I'm gonna be the guy behind the

Guy beyond the grave.

Best part is, the cops can'

Touch me -- no jurisdiction.

You're a real wise guy.

Xavier: so disgracio can'

Go, 'cause he's a cop?

What are you revealing to me?

He's a rat? Breaks my heart.

Hey, disgracio, I got you a

Nice, big piece of candy, righ

Through there.

Candy is yummy, all in

My tummy, yes, candy is -- ♪

[ Normal voice ] oh, fudge.

Xavier: discraci-- no!

What the hell did you died to

Him?

Who is those?

My ancient chitalianese

Secret.

I've been raising the ultimate

Hit man from the time he was a

Baby.

I taught him to k*ll withou

Conscience -- raised on hate in

Filth and darkness.

And I fed him only lizards,

Paramecium, and starfish livers,

All regenerative animals, so he

Can heal himself.

Look.

There's only one problem.

He doesn't like his life.

But I don't care, seeing as how

I'm in the mafia.

Xavier: you're in the mob?!

No wonder I didn't suspect a

Thing.

Well, your butt hole can kiss my

Lips goodbye.

I can get anyone to take me

To the other side.

And with all this afterlight,

I'm gonna be the don of death.

Xavier: if you doughnut stay

Away from death, then I'll make

You choke on the hole.

I see the light flashing

Before my eyes -- all the

k*lling I done, all the pain I

Caused.

I've disrespected the universal

Law of love.

Xavier: to win the game.

I'm gonna give away all my

Things and devote my life to

Spreading joy.

Xavier: just blow, hoser.

I've got to rehabilitate this

Beastlet.

Enchanté.

I am your mental mentor, your

Sensei of the senses, here to

Teach you the ways of life,

Love, culture.

Let's start with early matisse.

Do you find the gar mange of his

Lines to be derivative of the

Neoclassicists in their pastel

Insouciance?

Ugh!

Xavier: I know what you mean.

You mean, "I don't know what you

Mean."

I shall teach you to speak.

You want me to tit you?

One grunt for "yes."

Ugh! Ugh!

Xavier: ooh, you want I

Double bad, huh?

Okay, two grunts will mean "no."

Three grunts means "cheese."

Can you say cheese?

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

Xavier: I've got to

Prioritize these words right.

Let's see -- four grunts will

Mean "prioritize."

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

Xavier: and that's how you

Say "clock."

Well, I think I taught you every

Word and stretch there is.

Say cheese.

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

Xavier: so, what do you wan

To do now?

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

Xavier: why would you want to

Commit suicide?!

I know you crave release from

Your misery, but you've jus

Doubled your depression.

[ Chain saw buzzes ]

You've just quadrupled your

Squagmire.

[ Machine humming ]

Your immortality is a cursed

Cage.

Death is the gift you shan'

Receive.

[ All grunting ]

Xavier: what's that?

You want to k*ll the architec

Of your inesquapable despair?

He already apolo-jizzed.

I vowed to protect that mafioso,

Help me.

Help is on my way, and I'll be

Right behind me.

[ Grunting continues ]

Ooh, I came as soon as I could.

Why am I hitting myself?

Why am I hitting myself?

Xavier: oh, no.

It's an inside job.

I told you someone was out to

k*ll you.

This is what the tandem cycle of

Random violence breeds -- a

Vengeful black hit sludge with a

Grudge hath wrought the reaper

You've sewn in the goo of your

Guilt, as the crème de your

Kharma is roosting home to harm

Ya.

It always ends up boning the

Poor.

He's pulling me back in.

I want to make you an offer.

With your goo power and my crime

Smarts, we could muscle all of

Cosmic consciousness to make us

Rich beyond beliefs.

What do you say? Partners?

Xavier: you got your gif

After all, kid.

Happy death day.

I've got your gift. It's mine.

I'll never let go.

I'll never let go.

I'll never let go.

[ Sighs ]