02x01 - Vibracaust

[bunniefuu]

Xavier: a mantra is a

Soothing sonic reverberation

Through the throat, but it has

No meaning, no significance.

It's just the empty gibberitical

Sound of soul serenity,

Vibrations devoid of

Implicatorial importance.

There's no issues.

Don't look for meaning because

There is none, okay?

Meditation just calms me down.

Why didn't you love me mommy?!

I alone stride along to strive

Alone to unify all men in the

Greasy heat of my unifrier.

No!

Back away from the boy!

Uncloven his hoove.

This abuse will not stand down.

You can't pope with his pooper

Fadre.

[ Irish accent ] I don't know

What you're sayin'.

Xavier: I'll get to your

Bottom of this.

Show me on me what the bad man

Did to you.

Did he make you go down on your

Knees for him?

Only when he prayed with me.

Xavier: sounds like you were

His prey.

Where did you come across this

Child?

My t*ts? Ooh, nice.

This is a poor orphan boy

From the parish.

They say he was a virgin birth.

But every boy needs love.

Xavier: well, I never go

Any, and I think I turned ou

Okay.

Here, wear this priest-proof

Chastity diaper so he can'

Catho-lick you no more.

Well, I don't like wha

You're insinuatin'.

That thing is scarin' me.

Xavier: okay, your

"Hole-ness," let me smell your

Fingers.

Now you smell mine.

Kid, you smell his nose while I

Check him for lies.

Well, that's it!

Forgive me, father, as I make

This poor soul take that.

Sweet mother mary, shut your

Virgin eyes, as I force his arse

To taste the pain.

You are forgiven, my child.

Come on, shamus.

Xavier: hail mary full of

Gays.

Well, I say you're in -- in my

Gaze.

If you so much as think abou

Touching that boy again, I'll so

Much as think about doing

Something about it.

You did a good job keeping

Our secret.

Just don't ever tell nobody

About what I do to you, or I cu

Your parts off and feed them to

My teddy bear, mr. Ruffles.

Okay, just don't do those

Things to me bad place anymore.

I'll do what I want, got it?

Yes, shamus.

Xavier: this happy place

Holds magic meaning, for 'twas

My mother's nickname.

Truckers, delivery guys, men

Coming in and out of the house

All day called her the

Grand canyon, but I never knew

Why.

It's just a great wide gash,

Spread open for the enjoyment of

All to come inside as he pleases

And pleasures.

Often there's a donkey in there.

Hee-huh?!

Don't fear!

Help is on the right here.

No, no. No help needed.

We're fine. Right, honey?

Have another one, honey?

Just enjoying this beautiful

Weather, laying flowers where

Our son was k*lled.

Xavier: and I suppose you

Blame yourselves for his death.

I know I do.

We've just been a little

Depressed since he died.

I don't know what it is.

I am a raging hellfire of

Roiling misery.

That's what these pink ones are

For.

Xavier: a dead child is like

Pudding.

The proof is in the fact that he

Probably looked like pudding

When he got hit by that car.

And I think it's time you be

"Pudding" his chocolate memory

To rest.

Rest -- oh, have one of the

Green ones.

They'll help you rest.

You want the rest? Huh?

Xavier: no, I don't believe

In pills.

There's a pill for that, too.

Here.

Xavier: my parakeet feeds her

Babies every day.

How come I don't get no din-din?

Mommy loves only her pills.

They stop my quivers!

[ Vomits ]

Xavier: thanks, mommy!

Pills are just a psychotropic

Band-aid on a biochemical

Crutch.

I took a pill once, and I woke

Up with a booty hole the size of

A wine bottle, fat end first.

But did I whine?

No, I turned to the bottle.

And when I woke up from that, I

Met up with you fine folks to

Warn you about pills.

Just walk it off.

Your child is dead, and you can

Never, ever replace him.

That's it. I can replace him.

You can?

Xavier: by the end of the

Day, you will have forgotten all

About your dead turtle --

I mean son.

[ Gasps ]

See?

They've got this poor child

Pulling a train!

It's time to cease the skeet and

Diddling and skedaddle and ge

You a new mommy and daddy.

Fresh meat.

Xavier: look at this den of

Siniquity.

Even the bibles are ribbed.

But for whose pleasure?

They even have a sex swing se

And whoopee crayons!

Just need to black you up.

Flesh colored?

How offensive.

Oh, "shiftless."

This ought to get you black on

Track.

This is shakadingo.

He looks just like our

Michael right after he got hi

By that car.

Xavier: shakadingo, go hug

Your new mommy and daddy.

We're not ready for this.

I just can't

Oh, can't pick you up, dear.

Mommy's holding some raw meat.

Xavier: [ crying ]

Mommy can't kiss your

Boo-boo!

Still holding that raw meat from

Years ago.

Meat!

Xavier: close your legs,

Mother.

You're embarrassing me.

I'll make you all vibe together

Using ancient hopi tribe

Procedure rituals that will

Fashion family bondage.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Xavier: we're re-creating the

Psychogenetic birthular

Attachment.

Push! Push!

But I can't push him out.

He's not in.

Xavier: I think I know I

Were I'm doing.

Pull! Pull!

I confused!

Xavier: you've got black gobs

Of family holidays to make up

For -- four kwanzaas, three

Kwanzaweens, and a kweaster to

Kwetch up on.

Kwere, bite the kwanzaa bean.

This isn't a real kwanzaa

Bean.

Xavier: as your brines

Intertwines, the co-mingling

Fluid familyize-ifizes you.

Ahh, you are now one.

Do you have any mouthwash?

Your breath stinks.

Ahh!

And the last step -- to pick up

Where you left off with michael

So that shakadingo can fill the

Place in your black heart tha

Michael so rudely interrup-died.

Yes, snatch him fro' the

Clutches whence your prior son

Was felleded.

And, yes, I glued his shoes to

The road to cement a seal on the

Deal.

And, yes, I tied his belt twix

Two trees for kicks.

[ Tires screeching ]

Oh, I never want to lose you

Again.

Son.

Fruitatta, family achieved.

You're psycholegally adopted.

What's that over there?

A candy dolphin?

Xavier: ooh! Candy dolphin?!

Where is it?

Maybe if I look real hard

I'm gonna do bad things to

You tonight and make you suffer

For my pleasure.

Aah!

Xavier: what?

I see what's going on.

You're trying to distract me to

Keep me from seeing a sweet land

Dolphin.

There's something fishy abou

You two.

As this child's weenie-minder, I

Am policing you now, and I'll

Copulater if you so much as

Yodel his scrotal or fiddle his

Faddle.

I have reason to believe this

Kid's lower back bottom was once

Treated like

Grand central station.

And I got four tickets to the

Opera.

We'll get there by train.

Up his

[ Vocalizing ]

Aah!

If you say anything, you

Gonna wake up with your face in

My tummy 'cause I ated it.

Xavier: what were you two

Doing in the bathroom during

Intermission?

We were just talking.

Eatin' ice cream.

I mean, talking about ice

Cream that we were just eating.

Xavier: what but were you

Doing in there earlier?

I was being r*ped --

By flavor!

He just shoved the cone right in

Me.

Last night, he gave me

A banana split, and it hurt.

I can't take it anymore.

Open your mouth.

Xavier: what are you doing to

The boy's mouth?!

Mommy, daddy, I sorry I hur

You.

I won't anymore.

Can I have more pills?

Yes, have all you want, son.

Xavier: pills.

You can't swallow your way to

Happiness.

You couldn't even swallow your

Way out of a bus-station

Bathroom.

What are these pills?

Fiddelin.

Don't worry -- they're

Spiritually based drugs. Look.

Recent science has discovered

That, for thousands of years,

Tibetan monks used gutteral

Prayer chants to sooth their

Yellow souls in the yellow face

Of their yellow oppressors.

But in our sophisticated world,

Who has time for that noise?

You've got enough on your plate.

Let fiddelin do the spiritual

Legwork for you.

At transcendental medication, we

Sonically condense the

Biodharmic vibrations of over

1,000 Monk chants into every

Pill.

Scienspiritific audiologists

Have found that vibration from a

Monk's throat doesn't radiate in

Megahertz but in megahearts.

Come to jamaica!

If not now, when?

If not it, what?

If not things, stuff?

Side effects include wetmouth,

Plaid blood, frozen day rate,

Herniated monsterism, tain

Misbehaving, urethral screamage,

Global colostomy face,

Wrongbody, restless lung

Syndrome, and sexual diarrhea.

Do not wake the sleeping yellow

Dragon.

Who says you can't find purity

In a pill?

Tune in to fiddelin with your

Soul.

Xavier: oh, no!

My sacred momtra is being

Commodified.

These fiddlin monks are being

Explat upon.

They're being played like a

Fiddle!

I'll stop that racket with my

Enlightened violins.

[ Chanting ]

The man is sploiting in your

Face.

Who are your bosses?

Show yourselves, you cowards!

We own the temple.

We are our own bosses.

Xavier: so, it's you, you

Rat!

We are simple people, happy

To share our love with all.

Xavier: where I come from,

Sharing love without making a

Profit is called being a wh*re.

And the working conditions here

Are "whorifying."

You've got to unionize, to

Strike.

Shut this place down until you

Give yourself the demands you

Desire.

Buddha say material desire

Is poisonous.

Xavier: then tha

Union-busting tub of t*rd's

Gonna find a buddup his a*s.

They're treating you monks like

Monkeys!

Well, I say lets hurl our feces

At them until they see us as

Men!

We are content to visualize

World peace.

Xavier: we'll visualate their

Shamefulizing with a giant,

Inflatable union rat.

Now we march.

No justice, no chants!

No justice, no chant--

Why aren't you chanting?!

We prefer the sacred silence.

Xavier: oh, break them down

With the silent treatment, eh?

So devilish, it's clevelish.

I can hear it working on you

Already.

You hear that silence?!

Can you take it?!

The crushing blow of that fiery

Silence as it explodes in your

Ear with silence!

Vroom! Rrrr! Vroom!

Okay, we surrender if you ge

Off your bike.

Surely, indulging in some small

Luxury will not lead to an

Infection of greed.

Xavier: you've gotten lazy

And nonproductive.

You've taken americans' jobs.

How can we chant and eat a

The same time?

Let the ma-chinge get it.

Xavier: ma-chingay?

We made the vibulator 2000.

It does the grunt work of 3,000

Monks.

Then why didn't we call I

The 4000?

No one knows.

Xavier: what operating system

She running?

Dos ex machina?

Which one of you ch*nk

Kinked my machingay?

It's an airquake!

A soulshake!

My god!

The grand canyon is closing up!

Thank you for closing your legs,

Mommy.

How would you calm this tremor?

Pills.

Open wide.

Time to take out the,

Litter-ally, your medicine.

You've woken the yellow dragon!

I've got to act now.

This is the 9/11 of noise,

Chernobyl of chanting, the

Hiroshima of humping, the

Nagasaki of nookie, the dachau

Of auschwitzes!

Wait -- I'm the

Three mile island of going

3 Miles off-message.

And what a mess this isage.

Yep, skated out of it.

I told you I'd make you vibe

Together.

Leave us alone, you freak!

Xavier: you can't call me

Freak!

What are you gonna do?

Tell your mommy?

Xavier: yes, that's exactly

What I'm going to do.

Mommy! Mommy!

I have to tell you something!

This wonderful family, they --

Huh?!

My god, it's just her meat.

That means she's still alive

Out there.

I'm going to search far and wide

So that I can totally tattle to

My mom!