01x10 - Shakashuri Blowdown

[bunniefuu]

Xavier: self, I don't buy it.

And you say to me, self.

I say, yeah, who's --

[ expl*si*n ]

Yeah, self, I got bigger fish to

Fry.

The six-ton guppy in the room

Is to find my father's k*ller.

Everywhere I go, I look.

And everywhere I look, I see

Clues.

Son!

It was you who k*lled me!

Xavier: what kind of stupid

Name is yoohoo?

Well, when I find that demon, I

Shall slay him -- to death.

Yoohoo! Yoohoo!

No, no, no, no.

No, not yoohoo.

It was you, damn it!

You, xavier -- you k*lled your

Own father!

Xavier: me?

It was I who --

I k*lled my --

No!

[ Echoing ] no!

The pride I feel for finally

Fingering my father's k*ller is

Dampened only by the fact that I

Promised to k*ll my father's

k*ller.

I fingered myself to death.

That closed circle of violence

Ends here at the tip of this

Razor of justice against my

Throat.

Die, k*ller.

Goodbye, k*ller slayer.

What you doin', boy?

[ Neck cracks ]

Xavier: fulfilling a promise

I made to a worthless m*rder*r.

I was just about to cut one.

Well, don't.

You're sitting on my hat, freak.

Xavier: please.

Leave me alone.

I've got a piece of business to

Attend to.

Y'all got a business license?

Xavier: no, I don't.

What is you, a wisenheimer?

Xavier: hold the heimer.

I'm just a man of great wisen.

Now squeeze that heimer till I

Pops, like a ballonafor feasting

On the lifechops of his own

Demise.

[ Neck cracking ]

That's it! Hold my books.

I'm gonna rip you a new a-hole.

Oh, yeah!

Provide him with a fresh rectum.

Hold my wallet and sunglasses

While I whoop him.

Oh, you're going down!

Best hold my contact lenses,

Too, and my silk shirt.

Don't want to get any blood on

It.

Oh, yummy!

There gonna be blood!

Xavier: please, walk away.

I can't be responsible for wha

I'll do if you beat me to death.

That tears it.

Hold my prosthesis.

Oh, you are in for a nubbin'.

Xavier: I've got no beef with

You.

I'm woefully beefless.

Well, I'm about to make you

Teethless.

Oh, hold on to my teeth.

[ Muffled ] and hold on to my

Tattoo and my robotical.

I ain't never seen him this

Heated since the incident.

Xavier: please, hop away.

You seem like smart guys.

Don't turn stupid all of a

Sudden.

That's slander!

All we gots to do now is si

Back, let the judicial system do

Its job, and watch the dollars

Roll in.

Come on!

Ori could le

Clarence thomas here serve ou

His own brand of black justice.

Oh, you want I should hold

Your toupee, too, while you fis

Him up, boss?

You weren't supposed to tell

About the --

T-that's it!

Take that.

Taste the pain.

Take that.

Taste the tou-tou-tou-pain.

Xavier: you might as well

Just finish me off.

I's gonna do you one worse.

I'm gonna shave you down and

Make me a wrist-hair moustache.

This w.h.m. Is gonna be sweet!

Huh?!

I-i didn't know.

I-i'm sorry, mister.

Come -- come on, tater.

What happened, boss?

Xavier: these numbers.

What could they be from?

I need concentration.

Concentration -- that's it!

It's a phone number.

It must be my reprieve, a

Last-minute cosmic pardon from

The governor of circumstance.

[ Dial tone ]

[ Telephone rings ]

Self: hello? Hello?

Xavier: hello?

Self: who's this?

Xavier: who's this?

Self: I'm asking the

Questions.

I called you.

Xavier: no, I called you.

And you sound like the uglies

Son of a b*tch I ever heard.

Self: you sound like the

Physical manifestation of some

Loser's inner demons.

Xavier: well, you sound

Like some total chode's

Inability to confront the

Reality of his past actions.

Self: if I ever get your

Stinky mug in my line of sight,

I swear to jack off, I'll c*ck

Your clock off.

Xavier: well, I'm going to be

The bigger man and hang up fi--

[ Receiver clicks ]

Damn it!

Listen, we don't cotton to

Freaks 'round these parts.

Scram, weirdo.

Self: oh, yeah?

I don't polycotton to

Copingtropes, even my own.

So why don't you split?

Xavier: looks like I already

Did.

You're the sad figment of my

Twisted psyche's tragic

Dividend.

You're the un-me.

I'm the real me.

You want to be me?

Self: kiddo, I was the real

Me when you were still in my

Short pants.

Xavier: hate to break it to

You, but I wore them first.

Me bequeathed thee the

Psychopathological

Hand-you-down.

Self: so you're the one who

Stained them.

Xavier: whoever found I

Browned it.

Self: you'd like me to be

You, wouldn't me?

But it's too late.

You snoze, you loze.

Xavier: you sleeped, you

Weeped.

Self: you nap-uh, you ge

Slap-uh.

Xavier: you slumber, a

Cucumber.

Self: you catch up on some

Zeds, you get out of my heads.

Xavier: you slumber, ham--

Burger!

I don't want to talk abou

Nothing else.

Self: listen, this psyche is

Not big enough for two

Metaphysical seekers.

Xavier: you couldn't seek

Your way out of a cardboard bag.

Self: yeah, I know, 'cause I

Would be an egg.

Xavier: [ thinking ] ooh!

This guy might be better than

Me.

Self: you're right.

I am better than me.

Xavier: look, buddy, know

When you're defeated.

Accept your defecation.

Self: no, thanks.

I'm full, 'cause I eat pussies

Like you for breakfast.

Xavier: look at you.

You look so superficial, you

Probably judge things by their

Physical appearance.

Self: oh, yeah?

Your mom's so shallow, she

Probably thinks this quip is

About her.

Xavier: you're about as deep

As a bowl of soup, and your

Tongue is about as sharp as a

Soup spoon.

Self: hey, say what you wan

About me, but lay off the soup.

Xavier: if you love soup so

Much, why don't you marry soup?

Self: 'cause I'm already

Married -- to justice.

Xavier: yeah, only a blind

Girl would marry you.

Self: I know everything

You're gonna --

Xavier: say.

And I know everything you're

Gonna --

Self: don't.

Xavier: oh, yeah?

Well, when god was passing ou

Insight, you thought he said

That when god was passing ou

Holy prophets, you thought he

Said, "oily faucets," 'cause

Your soul has diarrhea of the

Mouth faucet.

Self: are you so dumb you

Even answer rhetorical

Questions?

Xavier: I don't know. Do you?

Self: we can play this game

All night.

Xavier: first of all, it's

Daytime, and this is no game.

Self: checkmate.

Xavier: oh!

So you admit that you're

Checking me out and you want to

Mate.

Self: ooh!

You got a license to sell

Hot dogs, chico man?

Xavier: no.

They wouldn't give it to me

Because when I was filling ou

The application, my p*nis was

Sticking out.

Self: oh, yeah?

You only got one peni?

Let me see it.

Xavier: see with your eyes,

Not with your mouth.

Self: I'll call your bluff.

I'll see your p*nis with your

Mouth, and I raise you with my

Hand.

Xavier: ante up.

Self: oh! Damn it!

Xavier: what's wrong?

Self: I crapped out, but I'm

Tough.

I can suck it up.

Xavier: okay.

Count of three, we show what's

Under the loincloth.

Wiener take all.

Both: one, two, three.

Self: I guess there's only

One way to settle this.

Both: a shakashuri blowdown.

Self: I assume you're

Familiar with st. Louis rules.

Xavier: fine.

We'll blow to the death.

Self: okay. Ladies first.

Xavier: [ grunting ]

Fine!

I'll blow first.

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[ Unicorn grunts ]

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[ Melodies harmonize ]

And that's time.

Whoa!

Heck of a shakashuri match with

A lot of fast action!

What did you think,

Tad b. Holyburn in the scoochie

Booth?

I think a lot of things, bu

You're probably gonna cut --

You know the stakes, tad.

Whoever wins gets his own show.

And guess what, folks at home.

You get to decide.

That's right.

Write down on a postcard who you

Think won and send it off.

Send it where? You decide.

You choose. It's up to you!

[ Echoing ] it was you.