01x05 - Pet Siouxicide

[bunniefuu]

Xavier: yin.

Yang.

This world is stitched from a

Ballet of opposing forces.

What's the opposite of day?

Night!

Xavier: what's the opposite

Of black?

White!

Xavier: what's the opposite

Of salt?

Pepper!

Xavier: no.

They're just two spices trying

To get by.

Shalam! You got me.

You're so smart.

So

[ Sobbing ]

That's the way I cry.

[ Continues sobbing ]

That's the way I cry.

Xavier: I was trained for 22

Years to fight with my feet.

But it takes a real man to

Console with his feet.

That's-a so nice.

Such-a compassionate piggies.

Xavier: unload your troubles

Unto me, even if it's tough to

Swallow.

I'm used to swallowing huge

Loads.

I'm-a gonna go broke.

I'm-a just a simple shop owner.

I'm-a gonna go out of the

Business.

Xavier: I'm going to help

You, even if it kills us both.

What is this place?

Every morning, with my hands,

I splice-a genetically unique

Domestic animals.

But nobody she want-a the freaky

Pet.

Xavier: this all looks like

Good product.

Nice place.

I got-a the cheeky

Chipmunky -- 90% of cheek.

I got-a the pocket hippo.

All the cute of the hippo with

All the got-a the pocket.

I got-a the deer-cat.

I got-a the giruppy.

I got-a the funny-bunny.

I got-a the pandelephant-baby.

And I got-a the unfunny-bunny.

That's a goodiful pet to meet.

Xavier: or a little of each.

I even got-a the bag-a the

Purr.

We gonna have-a to put them to

The death.

Ay, chihuahua!

Poor ay-chihuahua.

My whole-a family been living

Off of the donkey kong chops for

Weeks.

Xavier: it's not your store.

You need a 'tude colonic to

Envisualize your success.

Lucky for you, I'm an

Eighth-degree imaginationist.

Picture with me this store

Crowded with customers, swarmed

With patrons.

It's-a working.

My eyes -- she sees-a success.

I'm-a filled with-a hope.

Xavier: act natural.

See those guys over my lef

Shoulder?

Don't you think it's a little

Odd that they're wearing

Trench coats?

That's-a no big deal.

Xavier: it's 95 degrees

Outside.

I think something's about to go

Down.

Stay calm.

Follow my lead.

You, empty out the register,

Or the old man gets dead.

Xavier: he doesn't need this

Money.

He's got-a the power of positive

Thoughts.

That was the last of my

Cashamazoo.

I can't even imagine how my

Family will suffer and starve.

Xavier: I can help you

Visualize that, too.

Daddy, you said I could

Choose anything I want for my

Day gift, daddy.

Just pick it quick, son.

I's neglecting my poor oil

Fields.

Dino-goose -- boring.

Wolf-akeet, gyno-moose -- sleepy

Beef.

All bores me.

I can't abide boredom.

I'll never find a pet unique

Enough to please me.

Xavier: this insolen

Microbillionaire is cruisin' for

A bruisin'.

Crawlin' for a brawlin'.

Achin' for a spiritual

Awakenin'.

Poem done.

I want that one, daddy.

Buy him.

How much for this one?

Xavier: I am not for sale.

Hee-hee. How silly.

He amuses me, daddy.

Buy him.

Look, I'll give you $3,000 to

Spend two hours with my son.

Xavier: I have my dignity.

My dignity?

That's why it's funny.

If you don't get him for me, I

Swear I'll start loving mommy

More than you.

I'll give you $50,000 for one

Day with my son.

Xavier: give the money to

Him.

I'll do it.

But only to teach this little

Brat the futility of his greedy

Ways.

I'm gonna name him after me.

Come on, me.

Wrap him up.

Xavier: and now the guru

Shall make the pupil his

Underling.

The niblet shall sup from the

Ear.

The poet shall make the metaphor

His meaning.

And the dancer shall make

Movement in his unitard.

A present? For me?

Oh, goody.

It's perfect.

Xavier: I have agreed to take

You on as my disciple, but you

Must obey my every order.

Sit, boy.

Sit, me.

Xavier: I'm gonna break you

Down using navaho mysticism or

Cherokee fisticism.

Wise elders taught tha

Resorting to violence will never

Change a person on the inside.

In conflict, you must rip your

Opponent a new as*h*le in his

Consciousness.

Soon, his mind will be open to

All truth.

All hole.

No a*s.

Xavier: but, master, you

Can't punch someone with your

Mind.

Hold this board.

Xavier: idiot.

He totally missed the board.

Sit so I can ride you.

Xavier: I'll use my mental

Judo on the boy.

"If I allow you to control me,

You surrender control to me,"

Just quoth the wise man.

Gallop.

Go! Faster!

Faster!

Xavier: the master knows

These material possessions are

Meaningless.

You're right.

They mean nothing.

Smash things.

Smashing idea.

Oh, it is fun.

Xavier: the master knows I

Is wrong to waste.

Oh, you're right.

Eat it.

Eat it off the floor.

Lick up my waste.

Xavier: now I've got him

Eating out of the palm of my

Brain.

Would you treat your grandmother

This way?

Oh, grand idea.

You dress up like my dead

Grandmummy.

Xavier: master says the force

Of inner dignity will erode the

Humiliation of your oppressors.

Hee-hee-hee. You're so funny.

Smash yourself in the raisins,

Grandmummy.

Xavier: by smashing myself in

The raisins, I'm smashing your

Mind in the ba*ls.

[ Grunts, gasps ]

It didn't work.

[ Groans ]

Why are you making those

Horrid groaning sounds?

Xavier: I'm in pain, you

Little turdlet.

Silly.

Pain is a myth made up by poor

People who don't want to work.

Tears are as real as a unicorn's

Horn.

I've got a unicorn's-horn belt.

Let's play a board game.

I'm bored.

I win!

What's my prize?

Where are you hiding my prize?

Xavier: your prize is up

Here.

Is it a puppy?

We better whip open the crate

Before he suffocates like all

The rest.

Xavier: I've got a game to

Play.

Oh, goody. Finally a game.

It's been so long.

I want to play.

Xavier: it's a role-playing

Game.

We'll switch places.

Oh, hello.

I am the fancy son of

Coffers worthington.

You must do what I say.

I own you.

But I'm just an insolent pet,

And I bristle at the orders of

My owner.

I just want to yammer on about a

Dumb wise master and have silly

Flashbacks.

Xavier: well, go ahead.

Have one.

[ Echoing ] what?

Your superiority is a gray

Phantom.

To reach true enlightenment, you

Must learn to become one with

The universe.

Where am i?

Who are you, old man?

Have someone bring me my

Brambleberry broth.

Chop-chop.

Once you connect to the

Mother consciousness, you see we

Are all the same creature in

Different forms.

This place bores me, and I am

Going home.

I can't be late for -- for my

Nightmare.

[ Bird screeches ]

If this is wretched misery,

Daddy, then what is this

Moisture seeping from my

Beautiful eyes?

You've made the breakthrough.

You have discovered suffering.

And so you can return.

So pain is real.

I hate it!

I intend to buy up all the

Suffering in the world and drown

It in the ocean like a kitten.

Xavier: I know much abou

Suffering.

I have been a student of pain.

The sum of my life ponder can be

Glimpsed by peering through my

Psyche crystal.

Wrong side.

Through here.

Every luxury has a deep

Price.

Every indulgence, a cosmic

Cost.

Each fiber of pleasure you

Experience causes equivalen

Pain somewhere else.

This is the first law of

Emodynamics.

Joy can be neither created nor

Destroyed.

The balance of happiness is

Constant.

Fact -- every time you eat a

Bite of cake, someone gets

Horsewhipped.

Factor -- every time two people

Kiss, an orphanage collapses.

Factest -- every time a baby is

Born, an innocent animal is

Severely mocked for its physical

Appearance.

Don't be a pleasure hog.

Your ever smile is a dagger.

Happiness is m*rder.

Vote "yes" on proposition 1231.

Think of some kids.

Some kids.

My frolicking life of

Laughter has blood on its hands.

Cake tastes like a whiplash on

My tongue.

I farted on the doorknob of

Justice.

Wait until my daddy finds ou

About this.

He'll help with all his

Wonderful moneys.

Xavier: your dad is the wors

Of it all.

He invented the worthington

Sport rigger.

Daddy would never abide this

If he could see the world

Through the eyes of the wise

Native tribesmen.

Xavier: great idea.

[ Tires screech ]

We inject your father with this

Indian blood.

He'll see the world as a noble

Indian.

[ Snoring ]

This is how I sleep.

Go, blood.

Cleanse my daddy's greed-stric

Chakra.

I feel the indian blood

Coursing up through my soul.

I am a native american.

At least 15%.

That means I can open me up a

Casino.

Yee!

[ Chanting ]

How, y'all.

Injun chief worthington here

Saying come on down to my

Spankin'-new firewater casino.

Come bet on red.

Our slots are looser than local

Squaw.

And we got the trail of beers

Poker lounge.

My tribe's genocide is your

Bona fide.

Come see if you can wipe us out,

Chief smoke 'em if you got 'em

Says.

If you can't beat 'em,

Wampum.

And, fellers, it's all buil

On an ancient injun strip club.

Their totem pole dances and lap

Rain dances will make your pole

Dance and your lap rain.

Just got to keep my injun blood

Levels up to the legal limit,

And I'll get richer every day.

Xavier: put down the needle.

Where did you learn to do that?

From you, all right?

I learned from watching you.

Daddy, how can you disgrace

The sacred native

Interconnectedness?

I want universal oneness.

Can't you buy it for me, daddy?

Soon, I can buy you the dang

Old moon, boy.

I moved my oil pumps to the

Injun burial ground, and I's

About to hit the mother vein and

Suck out that sweet wampum

Sauce.

Xavier: the prophecy is

Foretold.

By definition, a prophecy is

That which is foretold.

Eureka!

We done struck red gold!

Uh-oh.

The prophecy.

[ Men whooping ]

Xavier: savages.

They're k*lling women and

Children.

If prop 1231 had passed, this

Wouldn't have happened.

Only one thing can save us now.

It's all hooked up.

Let her blow.

Now go on.

Re-genocide those savages over

There so we don't have to figh

Them here.

[ Men whooping ]

My god.

This cemetery's tainted with

Arab blood.

Ji-i-i-had!

[ Men whooping ]

Xavier: you can take it from

Here, right, kid?

No. I don't think so.

I just want to --

W-where did he go?

Xavier: whelp, I guess it's

Time for me to ramble on -- to

Mosey down that road of life.

And hey, vote "yes" on

Proposition 1231.

The kids -- a whole, huge, big

Bucket of kids.