01x03 - Weapons Grade Life

[bunniefuu]

Xavier: it's the drumbeat to

Which our spirits dance.

It's only the size of a fist,

But it packs a lot more punch.

Some folks say its every beat is

The sound of god kicking an

Angel in the face.

My heart's beating to heal the

Suffering.

I want to spread that beating

Around to those less fortunate

Than

And so the rabbi said, "no,

You have chicken mouth."

Xavier: hey, you ruffians,

Leave that poor gimp alone.

Who you calling "gimp,"

Weirdo?

Xavier: he probably can'

Tell you're mocking him.

He's obviously slow.

Robby's not slow.

He's a genius.

Xavier: well, he's got a

Funny way of showing it.

Look.

I'm not 't*rd like robby here,

So I know that a group of

Strapping bucks as cool as you

Would never waste your time with

A boy whose legs are as dead as

A thanksgiving turkey with all

The trimmings.

You apologize right now.

Xavier: I'll never apologize

For defending the weak, the

Meek, and the useless.

Plus, I'm a board-certified

Wahakamana healer, and the winds

Of fate have sent me here to

[ Chanting ]

Get your hands off his leg,

You perv!

Take that.

Taste the pain.

It's cranberry sauce.

Take that.

Come on, robby.

Let's go wash the poor.

I'll catch up to you guys.

I apologize about my friends,

Mister.

They're just protective.

So what are you?

Xavier: I'm the answer to all

Your prayers, blown into your

Dead lap by the winds of fortune

To be your life crutch.

Let me get those facial

Abrasions sutured.

Xavier: cute.

You want to help me.

The pupil emulates the master.

Come on.

My dad's a doctor.

His office is right over here.

Xavier: this is your pop's

Chop shop, huh?

Yeah.

He's a christian-scientis

Doctor.

He heals with prayer.

Paging dr. Hollis.

We're ready for the operation.

Oh, sh**t.

I got to -- I got to go make

Water.

Spray it. Don't say it.

Poor kid's nervous around his

New life mystic.

Peep show.

Okay, this is gonna be a

Routine double bypass.

Bow your heads, please.

Dear lord, we just want to thank

You for your guiding touch.

Let's get on with it.

Scalpel, lord.

And oh, lord, we just pray you

Can make a lateral incision in

The "chestical" cavity.

And in this time of need, oh,

Lord, we just pray you replace

The arterial valice with a

Synthetic flange grappler.

I said arterial valice, lord.

What, did you switch to decaf?

Come on!

Xavier: [ thinking ] I'd like

To see this guy pray an

ab*rtion.

Wipe, lord?

Hoagie, lord?

Xavier: this guy's pretty

Good.

Of course, I would have gone

With the grinder.

And sew him up.

In your almighty name we pray.

Amen.

You're gonna live.

Stay off that knee for a week.

Oh!

How much did you see?

Xavier: how much did you see?

It's just christian science.

That's all.

Okay, you caught me.

It's all a trick.

It's just strings and magnets.

See? I do it all.

Xavier: pretty ingenious,

Kid.

Your brain's doing all the

Legwork around here.

If my dad found out I was

Using science to help him with

His christian science, he'd be

Crushed.

Promise you won't tell him abou

All this.

Daddy can't ever know about my

Lab.

He thinks science is evil, and

The lord heals all.

Xavier: how does he explain

The fact that his own son's legs

Make me want to puke all over

Them?

He never says that.

These are my inventions.

This is spreadable bread.

And it's self-eating.

Xavier: amazing.

I feel so full.

I got to use the bathroom.

I got that covered.

[ Toilet flushes ]

But my greatest ambition I don'

Know if I'll ever achieve.

I want to make life in a petri

Dish out of inert chemicals.

Xavier: kid, life is jus

Death in drag.

Don't do any weird stuff like

That.

That's dangerous!

Xavier: needs coconut.

Tastes a little bitter.

It could use some coconut.

Maybe a fibrous protein is

Just what it needs.

A coconut wouldn't work.

But coco-nut, my artificial

Coconut spread, might.

Life!

That did it!

I created life!

Xavier: oh, yeah?

One time I created something,

Called a "thurrito."

It's a burrito within a burrito

Within the heart of that same

Burrito.

It's a total mind-blinder, bu

You don't hear me bragging abou

It all over your face.

I just think this is pretty

Significant.

Xavier: you're not better

Than me, okay?

Just 'cause you created life

Doesn't make you some kind of

God.

There's more to life than life.

I didn't mean to make you

Jealous.

I just --

Xavier: condescension -- the

Last refuge of the differently

Abled.

"Crypical."

Don't talk down to me from down

There on your sparkling high

Horse.

You are just as ugly on the

Inside as you are on the

Outside.

I feel I'm reasonably

Attractive.

Xavier: oh, yeah?

Stand up and say that to my

Face.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

You can't stand.

So maybe I have a memory

Problem, but at least I can --

Uh, I can do the

Stand?

Xavier: no, thanks, guy.

I'm beat.

Now where was i?

Oh, yeah, I was walking out of

Here.

Your thurrito-hating ego-tude

Just turned your guardian angel

Into your guardian enemy.

Your heart feels like

Exploding ♪

You'd be so proud of me, mom.

I'm not gonna be another

Einstein.

Xavier: it's not just my

Heart that's hardening.

[ Bell dings ]

Another devil's-food cake,

Doctor?

It's your third one today.

I'm hooked on these.

What's the secret?

I fill each cake with a dozen

Deviled eggs.

That's what it is!

Well, I tell you.

I'd swim through a lake full of

Water for these cakes.

That's the only thing that would

Put out the raging fire in my

Belly for these cakes.

That's an odd thing to say.

Xavier: doc, your son showed

Me his private places, and now

I'm going to show them to you.

Magnets and wires!

So robby was controlling

Everything.

It's all lies.

Xavier: now he's playing the

Ultimate liar.

He's playing god righ

Underneath your nose.

So all this god stuff was a

Lie?

It's all just science?

My life is a lie.

They're all gonna laugh at me!

I can't live like that.

I can't live!

Xavier: listen, bro.

Good hang, but I got to motor.

Got to take a float on a gloa

Boat in lake just desserts.

Heard your dad found out abou

Your lab of lies.

What? Is he mad?

Xavier: he'll get over it.

All that is real is

Annihilation.

Do you think so?

Xavier: know so.

Dad?!

Xavier: just like you'll ge

Over that.

You need to move on from losing

Your father back there.

You need closure.

Closure?!

The expl*si*n hasn't even ended

Yet.

It sure seems like tha

expl*si*n is lasting a long

Time.

Hey, look, mom.

This expl*si*n ain't stopping.

Would you mind taking a photo

Of me and my wife with the

Ever-expl*si*n?

T-shirts!

Get your ever-expl*si*n

T-shirts!

Red-hot ever-booming

Exploding-onion on a stick!

Chili corn cone egg!

Ever-expl*si*n of flavor!

Don't get a chili corn cone

Egg!

Get a chili cone corn egg!

Xavier: [ thinking ] tha

Heartbeatit's -- my god.

Listen up.

This is not an ordinary

expl*si*n.

It's alive.

Shut up!

That weirdo's got a hard-on

For the expl*si*n!

Xavier: please.

You're making it angry.

Your making its soul angry.

Angry?

expl*si*n's too stupid to ge

Angry.

That thing has no more soul

Than an exploding monkey!

[ Laughter ]

They're all gonna laugh a

Me!

[ Distorted voice ]

[ Laughs ]

Xavier: oh, my god.

It's alive!

I knew it!

Out of the way!

We're gonna blow it up!

Xavier: you're just making I

Stronger.

Don't worry, everyone.

I'll k*ll the expl*si*n.

But how?

What does an expl*si*n want?

What is ever-expl*si*n bait?

I'd swim through a lake full

Of water for these cakes.

That's the only thing that would

Put out the raging fire in my

Belly for these cakes.

That's an odd thing to say.

Xavier: thanks, maddy.

This will lure him to the lake.

Yoo-hoo, come and get it.

Does anyone know how to get to

The lake?

Does anyone know how to get to

The lake?

Do you know how to get to the

Lake?

Do you know how to get to the

Lake?

Does anyone know how to get to

The lake?

Oh, no, I'm headed right towards

The cyclone.

Does anyone know how to get to

The lake?

Can you tell me how to get to

The lake?

How are you going to ge

There?

By car?

Xavier: I'm driving righ

Now.

Okay, first, you're going to

Want to get in your car.

Then, you're gonna want to star

Your car.

A lot of people get halfway to

The lake, and they realize they

Forgot to start their car.

Xavier: what?

I'm just joshing you.

That's just lake humor.

Xavier: oh, I'll find I

Myself.

Man, I'll never sell these

Arrows.

Aah!

[ Tires screech ]

Enough.

Listen. I created you.

You're my mistake.

Dad?

Xavier: your father cursed

God.

He abandoned all he believes in.

Don't trust him.

He wants to explode us all.

Listen, dad.

As your son and your creator, I

Realize I was wrong to

Disrespect your religion.

Now that I created life, I now

Believe in god, 'cause I believe

In me.

It'll be okay if you jus

Surrender your heart to god.

We can start over.

Xavier: you know, this is

Pretty good for cake.

It actually works.

Come here and give me a hug,

Dad -- me and belief.

Xavier: frittata!

[ Roars ]

Sorry I had to do this, dad,

But I can't let the army get a

Hold of a weapon as powerful as

You.

I promised mom I wouldn't be

Another einstein.

Xavier: at least he died with

God in his heart.

You can taste it.

Could use a little coconut.

What just happened here?

Xavier: uh, nothing.

I mean, I just ate the heart of

An expl*si*n.

The heart of an expl*si*n ♪

Xavier: always tough to k*ll

Your dad, but you made the righ

Choice, kid.

I guess your brain isn't as dumb

As your legs.

Just don't go entering your legs

In any spelling bees.

Might get stung.

But don't worry.

As your spiritual father, I will

Always be here with you.

Well, I got to ramble.

They say when you die, you

[Bleep] your pants, but not me.

I'm gonna [bleep] my heart.