01x02 - Chief Beef Loco

[bunniefuu]

Xavier: they say 'tis often

The tiniest among us hath the

Biggest needs.

You hear that?

Of course I do.

I'm the one who asked.

Easy, stranger.

Your leg looks dislocated pretty

Bad.

I'll pop it back in, but it's

Gonna hurt.

Ready?

Inhale.

Hold.

Hold.

Hale.

Always glad to help my brethren

In the kingdom of life.

Maybe someday you will help me.

What the human intimates you

Doing, freak?

Bestial-ulating that skeeter?

Xavier: I'm just a simple

Warrior for peace trying to do

Right by god's creatures.

You see what this weirdo here

Is saying?

Wait, which weirdo?

Xavier: I believe that we are

All one.

By helping this tiny mosquito,

In a way, I'm helping your

Mother.

He's comparing the universal

Oneness of all life to your

Mama!

Take that!

Ooh, frittata.

Taste the pain!

Take that!

[ Buzzing ]

My eye!

My visual connection to this

Beautiful world has been

Severed!

I got you, dang skeeter.

Taste -- taste -- taste --

Xavier: frittata.

Your interspecial combat was

Noble, wise mosquito.

What's wrong?

You're flying all funny.

Did he clip you?

[ Buzzing ]

Frittata.

Don't you dare die on me.

[ Echoing ] no!

To be a hero, you have to go

Looking for trouble.

Wherever there is suffering, I

Was there.

Wherever there is injustice, I

Was there.

And wherever there is crying

I'm right here.

What's wrong, kid?

These guys -- they were

Mexican, they were g*ng members,

And they smashed my masco

Costume.

Xavier: you need to slow I

Down.

Relax.

Inhale.

Hold.

Hold.

Ahh.

Hold. Hold.

Little longer.

Hold.

Hale.

Now, who did this to you?

These guys -- these

Mexicans -- they carved their

Tag on me, and I was supposed to

Be the new mascot of the team,

And they were mexicans, and they

Ruined my costume --

Xavier: I could be your

Costume.

Do you think you can fit inside

Me?

No, but you could tell people

I'm inside you and go put on a

Show as the mascot and make

Everyone love me, 'cause they

Think it's me, not you.

Xavier: you're gonna have to

Go underground and hide.

Hey there, h* there, ladies

And gentlemen.

Your crazies have a brand-new

Mascot who's played by

Percy handfisher, a sophomore

Whose parents were recently

k*lled in a thresher.

[ Booing ]

Troubled high, give a warm,

Troubled, hey there, h* there to

Your troubled cra-a-zy!

[ Dance music plays ]

Are you prepared for this

Moment? ♪

Are you prepared for this

Moment? ♪

Are you prepared for this

Moment? ♪

Are you prepared for this

Moment? ♪

Hey there, h* there, ladies

And gentlemen, the opposing team

Is so intimidated by your

Troubled crazy mascot, they are

Forfeiting the game thanks to

Percival handfisher.

Percy, I want to be your

Girlfriend!

I want you, percy!

You did good, percy.

Sorry for beating you up before.

Xavier: I can take it.

I'm tough enough to join your

Little g*ng.

Nobody has ever survived our

Initiation.

Come give it a try.

Here's my card.

It's got embossed-gold 12-poin

Courier font on bone-white

Semigloss stock.

Bone white?

I thought we all agreed to ge

Eggshell white.

Absurdity!

I'm the leader!

I say bone white!

[ Thinking ] its haunting

Elegance is so restrained.

See you tonight, percy, and wear

The costume.

Xavier: chief master guru,

You have so many wisdoms left to

Teach me.

Years of you and I together.

Of course, youngling.

Uh, what's that behind you?

Xavier: I don't see any--

Chief master guru!

I vow to ramble these worlds and

Find the evil ones who did this

To avenge your death.

That gets rid of tha

Headache.

Yes, avenge me.

[ Laughs ]

Xavier: chief?

I did it.

You were a hit.

Everyone loves you now.

You even have a girlfriend.

Really? Is he disabled?

Xavier: but stay hidden for a

While.

I want to infiltrate the g*ng.

I just may have some avenging

Chief beef to queef.

No, I can't stay down here.

Calm it down.

Close your eyes.

Inhale.

Hold.

Hold.

Hold. Hold.

Hold. Hold.

[ Alarm blares ]

I don't have your money, man.

Then I'm taking back what's

Mine.

Now boil his blood and get our

Drugs back.

Charge him a recycling fee.

[ Knock on door ]

Percy, I'm surprised you showed

Up.

Xavier: well, I'm no

Surprised about how much I like

To do crime.

You just passed the firs

Test.

Now pass the second.

We just ordered a pizza, and

When it comes, you have to k*ll

The deliveryman.

Xavier: okay, but I want to

k*ll him outside, alone, in the

Dark.

It's okay.

We all have our own way of

k*lling.

Me, I like to k*ll on the beach.

I like to k*ll to music.

It's kind of embarrassing,

But I like to k*ll on the

Toilet.

I think it's because, when I was

A kid

Kid, your mother just died.

[ Farts ]

Mocho, that's not why you

Like to k*ll on the toilet.

That's why you don't like

Cereal.

Oh, yeah.

Xavier: you are supposed to

Be dead right now, but here --

20 Bucks.

Get out of town and start a new

Life.

Hey, thanks, mister.

Thanks for the shot.

Xavier: I k*lled him hard.

Pulled out his heart and showed

It to him, and he was like,

"Nice."

Bien.

Now phase two.

You have to watch us eat the

Pizza with nary a slice for

Yourself.

Hey, he forgot our

Cuckoo-bread.

[ Knock on door ]

Uh, I know I'm dead, but I

Forgot to give you your

Cuckoo-bread.

A g-g-ghost!

You got a ghost to bring us

Cuckoo-bread.

Percy!

You have shown true loco spirit.

I think you are a prime

Candidate for our annual

Pauper-to-prince program.

I thought this was my year.

Once a year, we let one

Novice member sit in as g*ng

Leader for a week.

I benefit, as I get to see the

g*ng from a novice perspective,

And then you benefit by

Experiencing the hardships tha

Come with the administrative

Role that I play.

Xavier: I'm game.

Percy, I crown thee temporary

Leader of the local locos.

Xavier: what's on the docke

For today?

Well, wednesday night is tag

Tuesday, where we paint our tag

All over town.

Xavier: I propose a new loco

Tag -- solid white.

Ooh, minimalista.

I can think so clearly

Without all the visual clutter.

Now everyone will know the

Locos are crazy abou

Postmodernist aesthetic

Contextual reframing.

[ Alarm blares ]

Okay, thursday night is mailroom

Monday.

We just got our new shipment.

Xavier: what do you do if the

Cops come knocking?

We toilet-flush the drugs.

Xavier: let's stay one step

Ahead of the cops.

Flush them now.

I like.

One step ahead of the policía.

[ Flushes ]

Xavier: hold. Hold.

Hold. Hold.

Hale.

[ Exhales sharply ]

That was --

Xavier: okay, inhale, percy.

[ Inhales deeply ]

This is the very sort of

Forward thinking the

Pauper-to-price program was

Meant to engender.

Friday night is taco tuesday.

Xavier: this week, instead of

Eating tacos, let's jus

Talkoh.

All: oh.

Xavier: so, who wants to

Spill it first?

What do your heart spirits have

To say to your mind-sacs?

I guess I tend to use my

Switchblade as a defense

Mechanism.

You guys are the only family

I have -- maybe because you guys

k*lled my family.

Before tonight, I could never

Express myself with words.

I always did it like this.

[ "La cucaracha" plays ]

[ Crying ]

You're right -- r*pe is no

An excuse.

It's a reason, and tonight,

Everything seems so reasonable.

I'm big now, but I recently

Dropped 230 pounds.

Yeah, I dumped your wife!

I guess I told that joke as a

Way to avoid the real issue.

I love your wife.

She dumped me.

How do they expect me to stay

Out of jail?

That's where all my stuff is.

Here's why I never take off

My shirt when we go swimming.

So she says, "oh, that puppy

Is the cutest thing in the

World."

And it's like, I'm standing

Right here, mom.

I'm standing right here.

Maybe I do have more issues

Than a magazine stand, but all

Those magazines are puro fancy.

I never wanted to be a vato.

I just want to groom and train

Poodles.

I secretly groom and train

Poodles.

Are you guys messing with me?

Whenever you turn your back, I

Secretly groom and train

Poodles.

Watch.

Turn your back.

I'm doing it.

I'm doing it!

I can't see.

My back is turned.

Xavier: passion -- this is

What gangbanging ought to be

About.

Thank you, percy, for showing

Us how to follow our bliss.

We're out of the drug game

Forever.

Oh, no.

Shiny's coming to town, and he

Wants his drug shipment.

We just flushed ourselves a

Death sentence.

Xavier: who's shiny?

He's only the biggest drug

Dealer since truman.

He's so rich, he had every

Cell in his body platinumed.

Xavier: well, you just had

Every cell in your body

Passioned.

Tell shiny to meet us at the

Docks.

Where's my drugs, chalaza?

Xavier: I'm the local loco

Leader now, and we're out of the

Drug game for good.

From now on, "l.l." Stands for

"Supportive community of

Connected spirits."

You give up your game, and

I'll get you a job at the jobby

Job center.

Xavier: no deal, shiny.

Fifi, cuddles!

I don't get it.

Xavier: now!

[ Barking ]

Are you prepared for this

Moment?

Xavier: [ slowly ] frittata!

I don't want percy to be our

Leader anymore.

You should have picked me.

Givemebackmyson!

Waitsorryimeandrugs!

[ Buzzing ]

That'll give you time to

Reflect.

I accept jesus christ into my

Heart as my personal savior!

Yes, made it!

[ Groans ]

I know what we can do with

Shiny now.

Xavier: you were so sexy ou

There, skeeter-beast.

You're my passion.

Sorry, but I'm with someone

Who doesn't lie about who they

Are on the inside.

Come on, percy, lend me some

Sugar.

Xavier: and now I ramble

Forth on my endless journey to

Be the greatest aid-spreader of

All time.