Alright ladies and gentlemen, please
join me in welcoming the new Mr.
and Mr. Greg Demopolis
and Matthew K.
I'm genuinely excited to hear why
you're the sole person already in dinner.
I have to go back to work,
I drew the short straw.
I can't leave before the best part.
That's why I'm eating it now.
I'm about to get my toast.
Hmm. Good for you.
I get it. You have your makeup
on, you don't want to cry before work.
I hope you wrote jokes as funny as
the idea of me crying at your toast.
Only one way to find out.
But then came Matthew's new
assignment, 18 months in Omaha.
Where he apparently
made exactly one friend.
I got home to find Greg on the floor of
our living room, trying not to freak out,
listening to a Dalai Lama
YouTube which wasn't really helping
because the Lama's
never even had a boyfriend,
much less cross
state lines to live with it.
Now, Greg was terrified that Matthew
would learn exactly who he really was
and not just trivial stuff
like how he makes up
random facts like Mark
Twain inventing a bra strap.
No, he did. He literally did.
He invented Panda.
So I said to Greg, stay with me.
Stay here and don't worry
about getting your heart broken
because if there's one thing
I know about Greg is that
he will always do the exact
opposite of what I suggest.
So Greg was in Omaha the
next month and the rest is history
which I think proves
what I've long believed.
The Dalai Lama sucks.
Or instead, a heart that's afraid to
break is a heart that's never used.
To Greg and Matt.
My baby boy has come to visit.
That was the honeymoon.
Dude, I'm a tapstick.
I remember like the beaches,
the food, the rich Cuban culture.
You son of a b*tch.
What?
I thought that you were here to
see me and I am here to see you.
I am here to see you.
You son of a b*tch.
What?
I thought that you were here to
see me and I am here to see you.
Okay, you know what? I'm from you.
I want you to accept
what you have with Olivia.
All right, you guys are friends,
friends-ish, friends-adjacent, ex-co-workers.
These are all really
special, beautiful categories.
And as much as I f*cking
try, no one can take away
that little drunken hum
sesh that you two have.
Look, I don't care for your tone, Greg.
And it was one drunken love-making session.
Did you come when you had sex with her?
Because I don't hear any post that clarity.
Connor! God, I hate to be blunt, but
it's time to throw in the towel. Honestly.
Greg's a married man now.
You need to move on.
I don't give up that easy.
Even when I'm literally begging him to.
So, you chose as a hit, huh?
No, it was good.
You'd go up with anyone?
I mean, that's how you know if it was good.
I mean, it was a g*y wedding.
And straight, single girls
famously can't stand g*y guys, so...
Yeah, not this g*y guy.
You actually find me really offensive.
Yeah, but I only have to guess for yours.
All I'm hearing is this is your own special
way of saying, you're happy to see me.
Really?
And please keep in mind,
the customer is always right.
And please keep in mind,
you're Greg's customer, not mine.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Bye.
Bye.
Listen, buddy, I know
it feels really romantic
to pie, but it is a super
short walk to creepy.
What did you do to bring
the whole house in your bag?
Um, my hands are dirty.
I'm gonna go wash that
real quick on the back.
Um, can you give us some breadsticks?
Thank you.
What are you doing here?
She assisted on coming.
Really?
Tell your chef to stop
making such good food.
We make chicken fingers.
You came to buck with me like a child after
I very gently ghosted you like an adult.
See, let me out with
my wife f*ck with you.
That's not my bra.
Don't twist my words.
Who's she talking to?
No idea, but you know
it's more interesting idea.
Look over there at that table.
You see it?
Do you know her?
No, but you're about to.
I'm really not in the mood.
Look, she just got stood up.
She is waiting for a handsome
young political man to talk to her.
Since that's not happening,
maybe I can go hide instead.
I didn't say that at all.
That's all you.
That's all internal.
Look, if you're not gonna
do it for her, do it for Olivia.
Show her that another girl
sees how much of a cat you are.
When you told me that you
were married, I thought you'd
be low-weight instead of
this black hole of emptiness.
Maybe for once we skip the main thing
you say to me that you take back later.
You know, the easier way to
skip it is don't show up at my work.
Thank you guys so much for coming.
Have a great night.
Thank you.
Get a real job.
Maybe I wouldn't have to.
I'm gonna spit in your food.
Spit in my mouth.
Read the room, Kevin.
Where'd he go?
Do you leave?
No, he's just getting started.
So nowhere else, not even a study abroad?
Well, I've actually never not
lived in my parents' house.
Don't worry.
What?
It's practical.
Rent is expensive and I
can commute to college.
You missed out on having
a terrible roommate who eats
all your food and leaves
her dirty underwear around.
I have that.
That's my dad.
Right.
Well, I did have a buddy that went to UALR.
I actually threw up in
the fountain one visit.
That's bad.
Please don't turn me in.
My loyalty is to my school.
I hope you'll understand.
Of course.
I will not tell you what
happened in the Quad.
Then it was worse.
Miss, is this not bothering you?
No.
No, not at all.
He's wanted in multiple
states for indecent exposure.
She's kidding.
I am kidding.
He's my friend.
He used to work here back in the day.
That's how we met.
And we had sex once.
Technically.
Why did you add technically?
Okay.
I love your top.
That is so cute.
Thank you.
I never really feel like I
have a reason to wear it, so.
Jenny had a pet rabbit as a
child, which committed suicide?
Well, allegedly.
I wasn't home at the time and my
dad's story doesn't really add up.
I haven't rolled a television, so.
That's not correct.
Her father may have m*rder*d a rabbit.
But, in brighter use, you play the viola.
I do.
I do.
Well, I play the recorder and my
father m*rder*d my self-confidence.
So, we're modern women
cut from the same cloth.
Connor, you have so much to learn from us.
We're about to close, but you want to stay?
Uh, yeah, sure.
What are you drinking?
We're gonna follow.
We all live.
We all live.
You are a women waiting.
I'm in a running high.
Running on this high.
I follow.
I follow you this evening.
I follow you.
I follow.
I follow you.
I follow you.
I follow you.
I follow you.
I follow you.
I am so glad you guys talked to me.
I really needed a night like this.
Why?
Your friends don't dance?
Um, I mean, I don't
really have any friends.
I mean, people I grew
up with, but I don't know.
You grow up and then
you turn out different.
Yeah, do you ever think about
like who you would become
if you started hanging
around different people?
Yeah, of course.
I'm surrounded by bad influences.
You're good, so cute.
You have plenty of
time to find your people.
You'll know.
You're going to see me.
The bathroom is?
Yeah.
Good luck.
So what do you think?
What do I think about what?
What?
Should we bang?
Yeah.
I can tell she's into it.
Uh, all three of us?
Yes.
Or maybe just you and me?
Good.
Good.
Meet the moment.
Don't be such a puppy dog.
Okay.
Hello.
Hi.
Hi.
You guys going to ask
me to watch you do it?
No.
But I understand.
Bye.
We were just, uh, playing a game.
Game?
I like games.
What kind of game?
Truth or dare?
Yeah.
Have you ever played it?
Yeah.
I was in like fifth grade.
I was dared to eat a raw hot dog.
Oh my God.
Well then, I was going to do that one.
Uh, should we play?
I'm down.
Yeah.
Okay.
Who wants to go first?
I have no birth.
Truth or dare?
Um, truth.
Hmm.
Okay.
Have you ever kissed a girl?
Um, I mean, like, girls playing.
Like, I was little.
Uh, have you ever really,
really, really kissed a girl?
Do you want to?
That's two questions.
Which is totally fine?
Yeah.
Okay.
You're gonna be a kisser.
Okay, handsome.
Your turn.
Truth or dare?
Dare.
I dare you to give me the
best kiss you've ever given.
Mm.
Mm.
I think it's your turn to ask.
Can I just kiss you?
Mm-hmm.
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Hey.
Hey.
How's it going?
Uh, it's all right.
Yeah, I don't, I don't usually drink that.
Well, I don't, I don't usually drink, so.
But the rest, the rest
was a typical Friday, right?
Uh, yeah, she really knows
how to get what she wants, huh?
Yeah.
Yeah, she does.
But I should say, like,
I also, I also wanted it.
Oh, no, yeah, I didn't like that.
Right.
Yeah, no, I did, I also wanted it.
Too.
Yeah.
Yeah, last night was, was really something.
Uh, you're a, you're a beautiful woman.
What am I thinking?
Uh, do you want, do you want anything?
I have instant oatmeal and cereal.
What cereal?
Grape nuts and raisin bran.
Those are the saddest cereals.
I could also offer a
shower and, or a cup of tea.
Yeah, that sounds great.
Both.
One of each, please.
Great.
I would get it somewhere.
Look at this.
Wow.
What an Airbnb.
Five stars.
Uh, well, yeah, you have
a shower and I'll do the tea.
Okay.
Okay.
You know, if you were
thinking of showering
too and you wanted to
save water, tea can wait.
This is it.
I brought the tea anyway.
Just in case.
It's me.
They have a contact.
Jenny.
Theresa.
Okay.
We can just go with Brooks.
Brooks.
Okay.
Brooks.
Theresa.
Sorry.
Uh, it was nice to meet you, Jenny.
Yeah.
I'll give you a call.
Sounds good.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Hi.
Hi.
I see you've mastered
the art of playing it cool.
I see you've taken the jacket.
I want to take you on a real date.
Are you seriously not satisfied?
When I was co-sucking your d*ck
last night, that wasn't enough for you?
It was unbelievable.
But forget the sex.
I had an amazing time.
I haven't had that much fun in a
long time, and don't forget the sex.
I will say, you picked up a
thing or two since last time.
Really?
It's still my heart.
A sexual compliment?
It almost makes me forget
waking up to a cold bed.
You can buy my breakfast.
That's kind of like a date.
I want to buy you dinner tomorrow night.
I'm working.
The next night, final offer.
Unless there's a better night,
which I guess that's totally fine.
Why do men think that unwanted
persistence is so charming?
That's fair.
In my defense, I wasn't
as ID like eight hours ago.
Okay, fine.
Fine?
Yeah.
One date.
I overdressed, didn't I?
What do you mean?
You're saying I underdressed?
You want me to change?
You worried the drive-thru
worker will see me?
For information, this Tonko
Belle has an inside seating here.
Oh.
My sister.
Hey, what's up?
Almost where?
Oh, tonight.
Tonight.
Yeah, no, I can be there in a few hours.
Olivia.
I'm kidding.
Calm down.
Bye.
Connor.
Do you want to know what's
an amazing first date activity?
Don't touch that.
Hey, don't touch that.
Relax.
The situation is under control.
Thank you.
Hey, who is this?
Connor.
He's great with kids, probably.
I actually have no
idea now that I say that.
That's for you.
Thank you.
Why is Connor in my house?
Remember when you
were 16 and you'd babysit
for your neighbor and
you'd bring your friend?
Has that friend was a
30-year-old poetry teacher?
Sometimes he was.
Thank you, Roger.
It's weird, but in 30
seconds, I'm either burning
this place down or
leaving, so I don't care.
Okay.
And I guess it was my fault
because I only ran into you four times.
It's okay.
Apology accepted.
No S-E-X and R-B-A-D, all right?
You don't have to stop that.
We'll wash your shoes.
No, I'm sorry.
How many kids are there?
Okay.
Well, this meeting of the
Babysitter's Club is hereby adjourned.
Please keep my children alive.
Don't wake her, Amanda.
Bye.
Oh, I love you.
I love you.
I don't know you.
All right.
Please, forgive yourselves.
You two go some mile, little.
Now what?
You were right.
Look at the feet.
They're trying.
All right.
All right.
All right, buddy.
Let's go.
Whoa!
How do I do that?
How do I do that?
How do I do that?
How do I do that?
Whoa!
E-I-E-I-O.
That was pretty good.
So who's on the farm?
Is it one of these?
Is it one of these?
Who's that?
A horse.
All right.
E-I-E-I-O.
That's a follow up.
E-I-E-I-O.
E-I-E-I-O.
Mm-mmm.
You pay?
Mm-mm.
f*ck.
I'm sorry.
I thought.
You never let up, do you?
That's insane.
I can't believe they do
that every single day.
It felt like I was an ungod gem.
It's deranged that I
ever did that on my own.
Thank you.
We make a good team.
Hey, tell them conventional first dates.
Wow, and they're corny toasts.
You can't rag on my toast when you
famously missed my best one ever.
Now that I think about it, you did play
acoustic guitar at me on our first dates.
So, what a pain.
Which you loved.
Did not.
You're a big sock.
No, I'm not.
I'm always suspected.
Okay, fine.
I have many sides.
I hope to get to see them all.
You want to do it on my sister's bed?
I thought they said no S-E-X.
Good thing I don't know how to S-P-E-L.
Weirdest thing that I'm most
proud of, my collar bones.
So, that's what your face looks like.
When you look at yourself,
you think I love that clavicle.
Yeah, it is.
I really like when I say
I have nice handwriting.
And I pride myself on being able
to read other people's messy writing.
Penmanship.
Yeah.
That's too boring to be weird.
It's something like someone who's never
felt the rush of a handwriting compliment.
I once masturbated to Billy Joel.
What the f*ck?
Wanna dare?
No, because he's a f*cking poet.
Meaning the river of dreams.
I'm sorry.
Please, I got best eyes and best eyebrows,
which are two separate ones I'll have,
you know, thank you very much, yes.
But I was really pissed because I wanted
to get best in the humor, and Carver Cares,
yes he got it, basically,
just because we're dumb.
We're out of pressure.
We're out of pressure.
That's not even a hard impression.
No, I am f*cking aware.
I remember the first
movie I ever saw, Fantasia.
Fantasia.
The truck is the Tchaikovsky
classical music piece, remember?
I was playing you Tchaikovsky.
From Fantasia?
No, it's not from.
It was an original piece of music.
And then they decided to use it.
It's good.
Next movie.
What's the next one?
I'm bored.
Have you ever seen Shrek 2?
Oh yeah?
That's the best feature
film ever, gosh darn me.
Oh, I'm sorry, have I
seen it only 12 times?
Where's breakup?
Mm-hmm.
Technically, never actually
been broken up with.
Oh, come on, leave it to me.
Take a couple years off
from the boyfriend game,
and I get a guy who's dumped
everyone he's ever dated.
Cool.
I think we both know, one way
or another, my streak is doomed.
sh*t, I meant to empty out that trash.
I thought you were on the tell?
It's hard to remember, you know,
you have to take one every single day.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
And?
And?
Hard.
It's not that big of a deal.
It's really enough that I can
take another pill or whatever.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
OK.
OK.
And, uh, just checking.
Yeah.
A pill is what you want.
Can you even imagine?
No, no.
I mean, I can imagine.
What's happening right now?
I don't know.
I just, after the initial
terror subsided, obviously,
I had this strange moment
when I saw the box.
Like, am I supposed to be terrified because
it's unexpected or I had a schedule?
Because, like, is it?
Is it, even?
Yeah, it is.
Olivia, I'm 30.
I was eight when my mom was 30.
My dad had abandoned the
whole family by the time he was 30.
I mean, I'm lagging.
That's crazy.
All this time we thought,
like, I was the out there one.
But clearly, Connor, we've never even said.
I love you.
I guess it would be rude of me
not to confess that I do love you, too.
I do.
That doesn't mean that
we need to do something
bonkers that we can
never, ever take back.
Do you love me?
You're going to make me instantly
regret saying that, aren't you?
So, OK, just to recap, um,
um, um, um, um, um, um,
you're pregnant.
Yeah.
And we love each other.
And we've been here for six weeks.
Yeah, but I didn't meet you six weeks ago.
You're great with kids.
Wouldn't you ever think about being a mom?
Someday.
Someday?
Yeah, someday.
Someday, like, someday this fall.
Someday, like, in five years, Connor.
I, like, just can't believe that you're
even considering this right now.
I can't either.
But all I know is my heart sank
more when you mentioned the pill
when I saw that box.
Um, I can't think right.
Can I just have a second?
Let me think about it.
Think about it?
Yeah.
All right.
Yeah, it's a lot.
I can work with that.
OK.
OK.
Baby steps.
Sorry.
When you picture what
you want your life to be like,
what do you say?
What kind of question is that?
You want to know mine?
That's you and me, and kids.
Whatever that is.
OK.
Well, let's make a pact then.
When we're 86, if we're still
single... All right, don't even try.
OK, 85.
You said you love me.
Can't pretend that you love me.
OK.
Maybe I like yours too.
Do you?
Yeah, stop me.
OK.
She asks a lot of
questions, but it'll be fine.
Just in and out.
Stick to the plan.
Just saying hi.
OK.
Wait.
Fine.
You think you should have
worn back your clothes.
I gotta put in...
All right, stop it.
Relax.
It's just a friendly visit.
I'm not going to drop any bombs tonight.
Sorry.
I panicked.
I don't know why I just said that.
OK.
Is she taking it well?
I can't tell.
All right.
I'm going to be yourself.
I'm going to be your grandma.
What's the gender?
We don't know.
What's the two days?
Not sure.
What's the wedding?
Mom, there's no wedding.
Do you need any caretaking?
I'm free on Tuesdays
and Thursdays after 1.20.
We'll talk about it.
And some Saturdays.
Thank you.
What are you going to name it?
Mom.
What are we going to name our kid?
What about Alice?
As in Wonderland?
Well, no, it was my mom's mom's name.
And I always liked it.
Hmm.
I don't know.
Oh, OK.
No, it reminds me of this girl
named Alice from my high school.
Always ate cans of tuna for lunch.
What?
No, not even with mayo.
And it wasn't a poverty thing.
She just, like, f*cking loved tuna.
It was nauseating.
Jenny?
What are you doing here?
I need to talk to you, Connor.
I just don't think that's
any of your business.
Jenny, are you even sure it's mine?
Hey.
He was using a condom.
Remember?
I was there.
He used a condom.
Not in the morning.
In the morning?
In the morning.
In the morning.
OK.
I'm not going to do that.
I'm out.
Hey, what do you mean you're out?
Good luck, kids.
This is one for the storybooks.
What?
Are you breaking up with me?
I'm not doing this if there's
a side piece, baby mama.
Absolutely not.
That is not my life.
Well, we can get through this.
No.
Right?
Come on.
We have to get through this.
We don't have to get through this.
I can get out of this.
And that's what I'm going to do.
f*ck is going on?
Wait.
You're overreacting.
Properly reacting.
This is how a normal person reacts.
This has nothing to do with us.
This is apocalytically bad luck for
before he even had our first dates.
And if I had known that you'd
f*ck somebody else an hour
before you'd ask me out on it,
I would have stuck with them.
You did know.
And with your idea, one hour, eight
hours, what difference does it make?
The difference is that I
can't have your baby if
you already have your
baby with somebody else.
I'll be asleep.
Olivia.
Olivia, please.
Don't do this.
Get the f*ck out of the way.
I'm going to go.
I think this already went way
worse than I ever expected it to.
What did you want to happen?
I don't know.
I just thought that you might want to know.
Yeah.
Okay.
Jenny, we can't have a baby together.
That's insane.
Well, it's my decision, and it
was already really hard to make.
So I can do it alone if I have to.
Um, but I also told my parents
that you were my boyfriend.
So.
Hi. Leave a voicemail if you want.
If it's still 2009, I might listen to it.
So you had a threesome,
and you got both girls pregnant.
Technically, I just got both girls
from the threesome pregnant.
And the random strange that
you picked up and raw-dogged
happens to be a Life
Begins a Conception event.
I don't know what
she is, but if you're
anti-ab*rtion, you should
not be having a freedom.
That's very true.
False advertising.
You seem like a sex prenup
to prevent this kind of thing.
Oh, yes.
We're having coffee this weekend.
Oh my God, that's so cute.
I'm trying not to get
any of the girls pregnant.
You guys are so lucky to be g*y.
Can't get anybody pregnant.
Still trying.
Well, you do know this form of g*y men
has the same capabilities as yours, right?
Look, I didn't even
think I finished inside her.
We were in the shower, and
I didn't want to k*ll the mood.
Go drip water everywhere,
so I just, you know, evacuated.
Tad, early.
Okay, so after thousands
of years of perfection,
the pull-out method
has finally failed.
Thanks.
Thanks, buddy.
Pile it on.
That's crazy.
That doesn't make any sense.
It's weird.
I spent so much time imagining
what me and Olivia had in the store.
So real and clear in my head,
and now it's not going to be that way.
It's gone, and I miss it somehow.
I miss things that didn't even happen.
Do you want to just throw
some drugs at me and let it out?
Is that okay?
Yeah.
All right, here we go.
Go ahead.
I don't think you're going to hit me.
I'm going to continue playing.
Hey, come on.
Next round's on me.
Huh?
Okay, who's pregnant now?
Hi.
I didn't think you'd respond.
Well, it's my birthday, and I'm
feeling particularly vulnerable.
Any chance you have a pregnancy fetish?
What?
Right.
Why?
Now, are you pregnant?
In your face.
I was going to do a
whole bit pretending that
it's yours, but it doesn't really work
with the guy who was a vasectomy.
It doesn't really set the mood
either, so... And you're keeping it?
f*ck no.
But you know me.
Why do today what you
can put off until tomorrow?
That's not how that saying goes.
I'm not here for the conversation.
Good, because pregnant
women are sexy as f*ck.
Since there's only
going to be one kid now,
maybe I could be twice
the father, you know?
If you've never sailed
before, it's probably
easier to just steer
one boat at a time.
It's a weird analogy.
I've never even sailed.
I'm sorry.
Could we not make jokes about this?
This is my life.
You think I want to be pregnant
with some random person's baby?
I wanted to do this when I was ready.
Or, like, at least with
someone that I loved.
And here I was, thinking
I'd only ruined my life.
I don't know.
No, I don't mean it like that.
You were just being yourself that night,
and I was really trying to be someone else.
And I think I overcompensated
so much that I got what I deserved.
But then why keep it?
It was clearly a mistake.
No one would judge you.
I mean, I would judge me.
It would be one thing if I actually tried
to prevent this, and it happened anyway.
But I didn't do anything to prevent this.
Like, how could you call that a mistake?
That literally makes no sense to me.
But I respect it.
Look, I'm here because I
want to try and do the right thing.
Whatever that may be.
Can we pray?
What?
Oh.
Yeah.
Now?
Mm-hmm.
Yep.
You lead.
Me?
He's helping me, but he knows.
I'm so... Are you singing it?
Well, I don't know how to pray.
Are you doing it wrong?
No, I'm messing with you.
Oh.
I'm... Is it really you?
Uh...
I'm pretty.
I'm just gonna take this.
Yeah.
What?
Sorry.
Yeah.
Hey.
If you're trying to talk me
out of it, just save it, okay?
I don't feel bad about
it, and I don't want to.
No, no, no.
I... I just want to
know you're okay.
Yeah, okay.
I'm fine.
But I mean, the only other
person whose responsibility
this is is yours, so I'm gonna need
you to, like, Venmo me or something.
You want me to Venmo you for
an ab*rtion I don't want to have?
f*cking PayPal, then.
I don't care.
Fine.
Thank you.
It's on Tuesday, so I'll let
you know the total done.
Okay?
Tuesday.
It's on this Tuesday?
Yeah.
Maya and I have to drive to
Illinois, though, so that's fun.
Yay.
Medieval ab*rtion laws,
everything is a fiery hellscape.
Olivia, can I just see you
before you go, please?
I'm not changing my mind.
You can go home.
I'm not here to change your mind.
I'm here to support you.
Well, I support me how?
You make a road trip next?
Look, I can accept
you're not having our baby
anymore, but I can't accept
what's happened to us.
I don't want to do this right now.
Can we fight about it
when I get back, please?
Just let me take you.
Please.
It's my responsibility.
It's not your responsibility.
I'm not some scared sophomore cheerleader.
I'm fine, honestly.
I don't need you to take me.
I have Maya.
Maya, wouldn't Roger rather
I took her so you can stay?
No.
Okay.
Look, we started this thing together.
We should end it that way.
Honor.
Please.
I want to have this ab*rtion with you.
I don't know.
I was planning on sleeping
most of the way there anyway.
So it's like really
important to you then fine.
I love you.
I love you.
Drive safe.
And yes, I did make a road trip next.
It's nice to see you.
Nice to see you too.
Beautiful drive.
Stunning.
Going back to bed.
Stunning here, right?
Okay.
Which option is better?
That's entirely up to you.
Some people prefer to do the procedure here
and know it's completely taken care of.
When you leave here, you
know you're no longer pregnant.
Some feel the pills offer a less
invasive and more private option.
Okay.
I don't know what to do.
But I don't have to make
the decision right now, right?
Because I have to think about it
for 24 hours since they're waiting.
Not here in Illinois.
No.
Okay.
But you absolutely can take
the night to think it over if you like.
Okay.
We can get you back in tomorrow.
That's no problem.
I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry, darling.
Did you know the ab*rtion itself only
takes between five and ten minutes?
Isn't that weird?
You carry this thing for weeks,
literally growing inside you.
And then...
If it makes you feel better, or...
My part in making it was
also five to ten minutes.
Stop.
I don't want to eat up.
You awake?
Yeah.
Careful over there.
No.
No funny business.
You're the funny one.
I can only do serious business.
Oh, my God. I'm the funny one, right?
Permission to kiss him on the forehead?
No.
Top of the head only.
One pen.
It's gonna be okay.
Can I just...
Can I just take a minute?
Yeah.
I don't think that I want to do this.
Really?
Does this make me a Republican?
No.
No. No. No.
We came 300 miles for ab*rtion,
and that is what I'm getting. An ab*rtion.
What?
Hey. Hey. Hang on.
I'm losing my mind right now.
You just said you
don't want an ab*rtion,
then looked at my face
and changed your mind.
Look, do you know I
want a baby because you
don't want a baby, or
because you're mad at me?
Even if it's what I want to do, it
doesn't mean it's what I should do.
So when does Olivia Capitano
give a f*ck about what she should do?
Maybe Olivia Capitano doesn't
know what she wants at all.
What do you think she wants?
You claim to know her so well?
I think Olivia Capitano... You
can stop that whole thing now.
Okay. I think that you...
I think if you go in there
and have an ab*rtion, I
won't regret it, but I
think you want to keep it.
So you're saying keeping it
wouldn't be a huge mistake?
I will make sure it isn't.
You have to go and have the
world's most potent f*cking sperm.
A week ago, I can't
really... It's just like I felt
like I had everything I
did. I was actually happy.
And if I can hold on
to some of that, then...
Are you sure?
No.
That's my decision.
That's my decision.
Let's go home.
Glad you came.
The morning persistence for the wind.
It's always hard to reconcile
how cool you are, but the
fact that you listen to this
kind of music, I'm sorry.
And skip.
What is this?
What's what?
Here's Kevin Weibart.
You're my father.
His wife's out of town?
What is it? Jesus Christ!
We're in a moving car!
Don't read my text!
Olivia!
You know what? That's it.
What are you doing right now?
Water!
He didn't even show me this! We broke up!
We were in love!
We were having a bit...
We are having a baby
and you're already
f*cking somebody else?
No, no, no. I'm not f*cking somebody else.
I f*cked somebody else.
Just because he wants to do it again doesn't
mean that I want you. I honestly don't.
Sorry, so I can't be heard about it
because it was just the one time?
I'm allowed to try and feel better.
We were supposed to
be there for each other.
I'm the one who gets to
try and make you feel better.
You got somebody else, right?
That was an accident.
We weren't even together yet.
And we're not together now.
Connor, you said that we
could do this trip without
you bringing the sh*t up
and bringing the sh*t up.
I said, I said that when I saw
that box, my life was changed.
Everything I've done since
then has been with you
and that baby and the
rest of our lives in mind.
Stupidly, I thought you were the same.
That other baby is
going to be around for
the rest of your life
too. So is Jenny, okay?
Whatever we had before, it doesn't
exist anymore and it can't come back.
Everybody get it.
Two girls pregnant. Come on, Connor.
I feel a little bad for my grandkids because
they're an arity. You're moronic jeans.
Well, where do you think
I got my jeans from, huh?
Touche. Coffee with a splash of whiskey.
Oh, well, didn't even check to see if I
was joking. Just sort of dove right in.
I'm really sorry Olivia's pulling away.
I like her. I really like her, but
she doesn't know what she wants.
She said she wanted us.
Without any prompting from you.
You don't think there's a special
someone out there for everybody?
No. No. And everybody who
does is a f*cking maniac, Connor.
Or maybe you know what?
Actually, maybe there is a perfect
person for somebody, but the
world is so f*cking humongous.
How the f*ck are you going
to find that perfect person?
So we're all just running around
unhappy, cheating, or getting divorced.
You literally just got married.
g*y people are different.
We are so different. We can say
marriage is forever. Look at you, Jackman.
I actually do just think I can convince
her that I'm right and she's wrong.
Oh my God. How did I raise such a man?
Wonderfully.
Don't forget, there's another girl who may
appreciate your supportive partner energy.
And you have a responsibility to
her too, and to her baby, most of all.
I actually do think Jenny has an
OBGY at a point from coming home.
Perfect. Take her to it.
What if she gets the wrong idea and I'm like
wanting to shack up or... Take a friend?
This is so exciting.
Yeah. Thanks for coming.
Dude, of course. I've never missed this.
Wait, I never even really saw her.
She's beautiful.
Yeah.
Is she still up for threesomes?
Fun.
Oh, fun.
That's the mother of my child, you
disgusting animal. Don't give me her crap.
Bringing... Hi!
Hi!
Hey, how's it going?
How's it going?
Someone else is here.
Yes, this is Greg.
Hi, I'm Greg the Immopolis.
I'm here to support him.
While he supports you, which I
guess means you're supporting me.
That's cool.
Do you always bring an extra person?
Wait, I like you.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
So, like, I hate to ask
because, you know, it's
like, gosh and
reductionist and everything.
Like, what do you do?
I'm in grad school, but I
work at a soup kitchen.
Oh, you work at a soup kitchen?
You didn't know when she did it?
She doesn't know what I do either.
Aren't you a recording engineer?
Yep.
Oh, it's a non-profit. We
do, like, bag lunches and hot
meals for unhoused people
and low-income families and stuff.
Wow, you are making me seem
like more of an as*h*le than usual.
No!
I just help yuppies get f*cked up.
You're a drug dealer?
No, I am a bartender.
But I work at the place where
you do, Matt, remember?
Three-way ticket to pound town.
Whoa.
Okay, two, glib there.
Chief.
Hey, I don't think you're glib.
I think you are very honest and direct.
I appreciate that.
Yeah, it's unique. I feel like you gave it
to me straight, you know what I mean?
All right, not totally straight.
So, was it the threesome your first time?
I'm like, whoa, dude, the f*ck?
Why would you ask that?
I just heard there was a religious element.
Maybe I'm projecting.
You don't have to answer him, Jenny, okay?
It was not my first time, definitely not.
Okay, so what was your first time like?
Greg, shut the f*ck up.
It's okay, seriously.
Okay, I'm sorry. You can involve her in all
your little twisted, hedonistic sex games,
but I can't ask her a
simple question, Connor.
Continue, if you may.
Okay, well, it was my
senior year production
of Cats, and it was
during intermission.
Right.
Rum-tum-tugger.
Okay.
f*cked me behind the back curtain.
Wow.
Cat curtain?
Wow.
Yeah.
Amazing.
And you're fully in character.
Oh, full costume.
Full costume.
So, you lost it before Connor.
He was a late bloomer.
Yeah, because I forgot to
bring Connor to prom, okay?
Yeah, and he never has unprotected sex.
Is that your principle?
How late was the bloom?
Yeah.
He was 22 years old.
We'll be doing a physical exam today, which
will include a breast and pelvic exam.
Yeah.
We'll do some blood tests and urine studies
just to establish a baseline, and we'll do
a vaginal ultrasound to try
and hear baby's heartbeat.
Greg?
What are you doing here?
Oh, boy.
This is too good.
Hey, what are you doing?
You decided to bring her to my doctor?
I don't own the doctor.
What do I know about
finding an obstetrician?
It was this or Yelp.
So, Yelp.
That's how I found this place.
What?
Does she not have her own OB?
I do.
Why are you here?
I did.
I mean, I've known her since I
was 13, and I was embarrassed.
This is insane.
I thought you were...
Oh, are you, like, mad I didn't
get an ab*rtion or something?
No.
I just... I thought that
you... Thought what?
It's none of your business, remember?
You lay off her?
Connor, I am way too hormonal
for surprises right now, okay?
This is so uncomfortable and awkward.
This person wants to die right now.
You know what?
I think maybe you
should just go in with her.
I don't want him to go in with me.
I don't really want to see
either of you two right now.
Look, if you let him go in with
you, I'll find another doctor, okay?
Well, why do you care so much?
Because our kids are basically twins.
And the mother of my kids' twin
yells at me every time she sees me.
I'm not yelling at you!
And now I'm yelling.
You know, you were, like,
the coolest person I'd ever met.
And I really... I actually
thought you liked me.
And this is already so hard.
Can't we just help each other?
You're, like, so nice.
What's wrong with you?
I shouldn't have been such a
f*cking b*tch to you just now.
That was not fair or nice.
And I'm embarrassed.
I know.
I f*cked up your life
pretty bad, so I get it.
It's not your fault.
It's nobody's fault.
No, it's Connor's fault.
It's Connor's fault.
Yeah.
She really knows how to
get what she wants, huh?
Hi.
I'm sorry.
Did you forget something?
Other than a condom?
Oh.
Okay, yeah.
Wow, thank you for buying that.
You do not realize
scripts are so expensive.
You know, in Finland, babies sleep in
boxes that are provided by the government.
Oh.
Well, why didn't you say?
I couldn't just buy you a ticket
to Finland for the same price.
Hey, can you grab that?
Sorry.
Oh, I'm correct.
Oh, my God.
Who?
Uh...
I just wanted to say, um, I'm sorry
that I never called you after that night.
We first met.
Sorry.
Oh, well, that's typical dating, isn't it?
It's just I don't want you to
think that it wasn't genuine.
That was a very genuine threesome.
I'm trying to be serious.
Okay.
And are you just apologizing,
or is this going somewhere?
Whatever else is
happening in my life right
now, I want you to know
that I'm on your side.
Well, since you brought it up,
my parents are pretty anxious to
meet my boyfriend and baby daddy.
Oh, they still think that I'm that?
It would only be this once.
I am going to tell them soon.
Okay.
Yeah?
Yeah, okay.
Thank you.
Also, I know it was a chaotic time,
but I really am sorry for sort of...
sort of asking you to get an ab*rtion.
Oh, that's... Don't
ever call it that.
No.
And don't let anything like that
flip when you're with my parents.
No, no.
I'm a parent's wet dream, honestly.
Oh.
I want to know the sex of the baby.
And do you want to be surprised?
You said you did more.
Any gender-specific problems?
I think I've had enough
surprises for one pregnancy.
What is it?
I'm happy to report.
I'll soon be proud parents
to a beautiful baby girl.
I knew it.
That's crazy.
You didn't seem that excited.
Of course, I'm excited.
When the doctor said it was
a girl, I was really excited.
I wanted to hug you.
Then I thought, no, don't.
She won't want that.
It'll ruin the moment for her.
And realizing that, it kind of
put a damper on things for me.
That all went through your
head in like two seconds?
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
It's done.
And I didn't mean to tell you.
No.
I understand.
Do you, though?
I think so.
I'm not sure I do.
I'm not sure why we're doing
this version where I ruined
the special moment to get
all the e-mail in the parking lot.
Because we could have it so much better.
We could.
When I saw that text from
Kevin of Wine Bar, a name
which is seared into my
brain, by the way, it sucked.
But I can get past it.
I know it's not the same.
I know what we have with Jenny.
It's more permanent and complicated.
I know.
Don't you think if we try, if we
really try, we could get past it too?
No.
Why?
Because it makes me feel pathetic.
Pathetic?
Yeah, I feel f*cking pathetic.
For you, yeah, it's not that bad, you know?
You knocked up two hot babes.
You know that every
guy that finds that out
for the rest of your
life is going to be like,
damn, that Connor
would have f*cking stud.
And then for me, of
course, you're thinking, sh*t.
Her dude knocked up
another girl at the exact
same time, and she's
going to take him back?
How weak is that?
How desperate is she?
How pathetic is she?
How no thank you.
You know, it's just...
Sure was a lot in there
about what other people think.
It's what I think.
It's not about getting past something.
It's about a new reality,
one that I don't want.
And I'm sorry, it's dumb,
and I didn't need to tell you.
I'm not sure I've ever heard
you say I'm sorry before.
But you never will again.
I'm glad you're having a girl.
Maybe...
The palace is back in the mix for a name.
Maybe... Maybe.
Maybe?
Maybe.
Maybe for you and Jenny.
Maybe.
Is this a weird hug?
I get up to ask, and
then yes, it's a weird hug.
I thought so.
I don't hate it.
Hi everybody, I'm Greg.
Olivia and I have been
physical life partners for...
Six years.
Six years.
We're technically divorced.
We don't know the gender of the child
yet, but we do know that gender is a lie.
Do we talk about the conception?
I don't think we talk about the conception.
Well we can talk about it.
We're past that now.
That pretty much sums it up.
The name.
The name.
The name is going to be Elon.
Thank you, Greg.
Very creative.
Namaste.
Okay.
How about you guys?
Hi, I'm Jenny.
This is Connor.
We're not married either,
but we haven't even really
been together very long.
But we're optimistic.
Yeah, we are together in our dedication
in bringing this baby into the
best possible situation that we can.
Thank you for sharing what a
lovely sentiment from a lovely person.
Hi.
Whoa, hi.
A cruel place to stand.
Dumb question.
You and Jenny aren't like
banging or anything, right?
You're right.
That is a dumb question.
Why would you think that?
I don't know.
The fact that you guys had
already signed up for this class
and all the stuff that she
said about you guys in there.
Are you naming our kid Elon?
There's nothing happening at all.
Right?
Dumb.
It is so nice to finally meet you, Connor.
If I'm being honest, I've
been a tad bit worried
when I heard about Jenny's
situation, but I'm just, I'm
so relieved that she is a
man who can take care of her.
Well, we're taking care of each other.
I guess it's good that
we didn't meet too soon.
After the unexpected news.
Um, okay.
Excuse me.
You know, it would be fun.
Do you remember the little
videos that you used to make?
Connor, we had a little
Elizabeth Taylor over here.
A star.
Did you ever meet him ever again?
Oh, let's get him.
He was adorable.
Let's get him.
Better about it, Connor.
You want to see my little
kooky back over there?
Oh, Jenny, if Jenny wants to.
Guys, guys, please, please.
Absolutely not.
My name is Jenny.
Please.
Can we please not do this genuinely?
Jenny, you're in the wake.
This is so embarrassing.
Stop.
Please.
Mom.
She's fine.
Look, I made those little links.
Can you believe it?
They're really nice.
She's so cute.
Okay.
She became obsessed with
weddings and she wanted to be bride.
Remember that?
She saw her wedding video.
Yeah.
Oh, she was so cute.
I think she was going
to marry her teddy bear.
Do you remember when
they married a kendall?
Yeah, Ashley Martin's cat.
Wow.
You know about arranged
marriages and stuff?
I've been thinking about
people in India and Japan
and they couldn't be any less
happy than people here, right?
Maybe even more happy.
And why is that?
Maybe love is just commitment.
I don't think that's all love is.
Jenny, I'm just here to support you.
I think maybe I should go.
Just hold me.
I don't think I can do this alone.
Jenny.
Jenny.
Oh, sh*t.
I thought you left last night.
I fell asleep by accident.
I mean, I didn't even sleep that much.
It was very hard.
The floor.
Well, fool me twice.
Shame on me, I suppose.
She is already pregnant.
Coffee?
I should really get going.
You're the first boy to spend
the night in that room, Connor.
All right?
Come on and have a cup of joe with me.
Cheers.
Bad luck to cheers with coffee.
Yep.
I think you can understand that this
situation is difficult for me, can't you?
Yes, sir.
I do.
We never imagined things
would go like this for Jenny.
We always tried to impart a
certain set of values in this house.
And that may seem a little outdated
to a young person like yourself.
But let me tell you, it can lead
to a mighty, uncomplicated life.
And that's all we want for Jenny.
An uncomplicated life.
And now we're trusting you to provide it.
Yes, sir.
So you're going to lay with your
chest down on the pillow like this.
And partners, you're going to put
your hands on either side of her hips.
Give her hips a good jiggle.
Relax with some pelvis.
Bring that to the nervous system.
Why are you even going to tell
your parents the truth about this?
Dead bed?
You know, it's just been so much
better for me since they met you.
It's like they're excited about the baby.
They want to help.
And it's made me feel like this isn't
the worst thing that's ever happened.
That doesn't really answer my question.
You're f*cking kidding me.
Oh my God.
Oh, f*ck!
What?
Oh my God.
Ah, Jesus Christ.
Oh, yeah.
The hemorrhoids, you're going to get those.
That is just not okay.
Why is pregnancy so disgusting?
I've never been this disgusting.
Women shouldn't have
to be subjected to this.
Men shouldn't have to get pregnant.
They're already gross.
Surprise!
Wow.
Thanks, everyone.
We did not see this coming at all.
We didn't see that baby coming either.
It's true.
You are going to be
like a gross, disgusting
freak probably for
the rest of your life.
Thank you.
Yeah, welcome to Maryland.
But it's going to be the most beautiful
thing that ever happened to you.
When?
Connor, Ginny tells me you do some
volunteer work with the Methodist Church.
Oh, she did.
Yeah.
Well, I don't like to brag.
Which church?
Peachtree, Central United?
Yeah, both of those.
You know what?
I would do them all if I could.
I just, I love, I love the
Methodists and their, their methods.
Bingo.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I heard the pastor at
Peachtree got fired for
using the collection funds
to fund his liposuction.
No.
Girl.
Yes.
I don't really, I don't know about that.
You know, I don't like
to spread rumors, so.
Right.
Right, yeah.
The only gossip he spreads is the gospel.
Can I get eight man saints?
Do you want my advice?
Enjoy the silence.
What is it, honey?
I don't like to break in the mud.
Hi.
Hi, everyone.
I'm Connor.
Dollylama sucks.
And, boy, the heart that's afraid to
break is the heart that's never used.
Thanks for throwing this for us.
Definitely never forget it.
Welcome, family.
Aww.
Thank you, sir.
Very kind of you to say.
Well, we will let you two say goodbye.
Yeah.
We have got to tell him.
I know.
I know.
Just...
When the time is right.
Okay.
See?
You know, it's a pretty solid party.
Like objectively.
It's got cornbread, bisexual energy,
and I don't really need anything else.
Hey.
Come on, man.
You could do a lot worse than this.
Seriously.
It's not that bad.
Matt's mom is a flat earther.
I said I wanted to travel around the globe.
We got in a huge f*cking army right now.
Shh.
Time went up.
How does it feel
to know
This doesn't seem
real, to me this isn't,
not anything, I could
have called, or I could have.
..
I should have taken a f*cking
way, that's the wrong screw again.
Oh my god, thank you so
much, I have no problem.
Oh god, a high school
senior gets chicken pox.
Nobody gets chicken pox, she's a liar.
She's dead to us.
Okay, there's leftover
pasta in the fridge,
he likes with salt,
butter and salt from the
salt shaker, but listen,
not from the salt dish.
Okay, got it.
I'm gonna text you from the car.
I will be fine, I'm ready
to get some practice, go.
We love you Grace, we love
you Milo, you're nice and living.
38, uh oh, careful.
And I have to do two.
Thanks for not having
anything better to do.
Make a good team, remember?
Here you go.
I don't know if Luke's alright.
Here Parker.
Yeah, I think Luke.
Oh, you shouldn't have told me that.
Me, me, me.
Ahh.
Yeah.
Kids, it's time for bed.
Looks like you were a
huge hit at that baby shower.
I wouldn't say a hit.
I straight up asked you
if you and Jenny were
together and you said
that you, what was that?
I said I was with her,
I wanted to help and it
got out of hand and
she's not helping me out.
What?
I was afraid you'd be mad.
Well at least you get me.
Hey, she's just waiting for the
right time to tell him we broke up.
You honestly believe that?
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
Okay, well you've clearly never had
an affair with a married person before.
The longer you do this, the easier it
is for you guys to just end up together.
It's not what she wants.
Why wouldn't she want that?
You tell me.
What do you mean?
You're in the exact same
position as her, you can't ever
stop telling me how much you
don't want to get back together.
Kids are sleeping!
Here's the thing though.
You can't tell me what to do with Jenny.
And not because I'm not making obvious
mistakes and enabling her and leading her on.
I don't know, I hope not, but
because that's not your role anymore.
You didn't want it to be.
That's not... I think about us
getting back together all the time.
I wish it was as easy as you say it is.
It's hard, I know that I'm the one
making it harder in a lot of ways.
And it's not because I don't care.
Maya, Roger, hi.
Hi.
How was the night?
Connor, hi.
Thank you, Connor, for
your help and your assistance.
Of course.
Yeah.
Okay, bye. Bye, bye.
Sorry.
He was helping me.
What do I care?
I guess that's how I'm changing.
I mean, you got it, right? You got me.
When I was trying to set me. Right?
You think you got it?
Oh, hello. What the f*ck is that?
f*ck you.
Why are you still pregnant?
Change my mind.
What's your vibe? f*cking relax, dude.
What do you care?
I said you were going
to get it taken care of.
I texted you to see how
it went and you said fine.
Yeah, it did go fine.
I wanted to keep it.
What?
What?
I got a vasectomy.
I never got one. I'm mad.
You told me that you had a vasectomy.
I did. I know I did.
And I lied about that because I don't know.
I thought that like it
would make it seem to
you like it was less
serious with my wife.
Less serious with your wife?
You said you were on the bell.
You said that.
I'm going to f*cking k*ll you.
You f*cking as*h*le!
You don't hit me.
Listen, you're in for what?
No, no, no, no.
Stop. Come on.
No.
That's not good for the baby.
Are you okay?
I'm okay.
It's okay.
Who did you think it was?
It might not be mine, right?
You piece of sh*t!
I just googled prenatal paternity testing.
My life is officially hot f*cking garbage.
Are you crying?
Please don't tell my wife, okay? Please.
It's not possible for me to want to talk
to your wife any less than I already do.
Okay, here's one.
99% accurate results in under a week.
Great. Good. Thank you.
I will take care of it.
Alright, it's $1,600.
$1,600?
Seven?
That's fine. I got it.
And they say chivalry is dead.
I got too many kids already.
Kevin!
They're going to go with her.
The kid is so permanent, you know?
We'll never not have a kid ever again.
Hey, do you want to...
Do you want to talk about the other night?
Do you ever consider that I
may not be what's best for you?
That I just keep hurting you?
Oh, f*ck.
Where's this coming from?
I'm brash. I'm selfish.
I'm always in a bad mood.
In my lifetime, f*ck, I'm trying
to convince the world that I'm not.
Why would you want that?
You're so smart.
And funny.
And beautiful.
And undoubtedly going to a
restaurant one day, because if
there's one thing I know, you
always find a way to be the boss.
I am bossy.
I've lived here all my life.
I've felt like I was.
Wait.
Are you okay?
Oh, sh*t.
Okay, where do you fall on this scale?
You know, I...
I wouldn't say it's a full smile.
Okay, when they ask those, say,
because the epidural will be ready faster.
Like that?
No, like...
Yeah, that's good.
Like...
I could have had epidural.
Can I just tell them that I'm in pain?
Yes, but also make the face.
Should I just put a question mark here?
It's all funny, dude.
Did you tell them?
No, and I'm hoping that
there's nothing to tell.
Keep your fingers crossed.
She's still only four centimeters.
Can I go?
Sure.
Okay.
Not to brag, but that nurse
and I just got to third base.
She's zero centimeters
dilated, if you were curious.
Do you remember how we first met?
When you got hired.
No, no, no. Just before that.
Your old manager had that
party, and Greg brought me,
and you and I were waiting in line
for the bathroom, making small talk,
and then the frat bro came
over, started hitting on you.
Yeah, those frat guys, too.
Yeah, and he asked him about
the party, and he pointed at me,
and said we were childhood friends,
and he looked kind of suspicious.
So I said, okay, well, on three,
let's say the person our high school
was named after, and I counted
down and said, Thomas Jefferson,
and you counted down
and said, So Thomas, who?
Which made me laugh so much.
And you just kept doing more
and more ridiculous answers about
our favorite teacher and our
first pet, and I can't remember,
but it was honestly the most
charming thing I've ever seen in my life.
Well, I tried to introduce
you to Greg that night.
Yes, yes, because you
didn't know he brought me,
and you thought we'd vibe, which
props to you, various students.
I may have thought you were g*y.
Huh.
Still on the fence.
I take that as a compliment.
One day, I want to tell our
daughter the story of how we met.
I hope you didn't.
I can't swear that these
things are like 40-minute stops.
Oh, I'm sorry. Are you bored?
Because I've literally never been
more uncomfortable in my entire life.
Okay, but this is the longest recorded
delivery in human history, right?
She just got here yesterday.
Okay, so... No.
No, obviously.
One second.
Hi there.
It's happening.
I just got admitted.
What?
You're here?
Uh, now? I mean, I'm there?
Yeah.
Sorry, I would have called you
earlier, but my water hadn't broken yet,
and I thought it was,
you know, a false alarm.
Uh, of course.
Where exactly are you in the hospital?
Labor and delivery?
I'm not giving birth in the cafeteria.
Thanks, Mom.
Sorry.
But if you're confused, I'm sure
someone can show you where.
Okay.
Why are you here already?
Do you know if I can get a
good coach around here?
Great.
Hi, what's up?
Hi.
Hey.
Um, I think we should probably get
going to my room now, Dad, right?
Yeah.
Let's go get settled.
Uh, Dad, Dad,
Dad, just... Uh, Paul?
Help people alone.
Dad!
Dad!
Paul, Paul.
No, no, can we help you?
So, this is Olivia.
Me, my life partner,
my physical life partner.
Jenny said you were h*m*.
Which we completely support.
I was drunk.
We were drunk.
This is 2024.
What is this?
I'm so sorry.
Guys!
Guys!
Guys!
Guys!
Guys!
Guys!
Guys!
Guys!
Guys!
Guys!
Hey!
Mommy, come on.
It hurts, Mommy.
Mommy!
Dad!
Mom!
Dad!
Hey!
What is going on?
You keep your hands off
of him, you m*therf*cker!
She's having Carter's baby, too.
No.
All right.
No, no, no.
I can't be.
I can't be.
Is this true?
Look out.
Look out.
Hello?
Hey, this is her.
Hello?
Hey, this is her.
Sure.
March 15, 1993.
Yeah, it's 5422.
Okay, yeah.
I can wait.
I should go.
Oh, you don't have to leave.
Look.
I am so sorry for that.
I told her.
She had to tell her
parents, and she said...
What?
She's not yours.
Why are you saying that?
Because it's true.
I just found her on the swing.
I couldn't let you.
I'm so sorry.
I understand.
Who?
I'm so one in front of you.
I'm so one in front of you.
It's totally not you.
I'm so one in front of you.
It's totally not you.
It works.
I'm totally one.
Don't do that.
Don't do that.
Paul. Paul.
I think you're in the wrong room.
I'm here for the birth of my daughter.
I'm not going to let her down too.
Okay, here we go. Take a deep breath.
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Five, one, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Good job. Good job.
Good job.
One more big one.
Two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
I did something. You don't need to do this.
Do what?
You don't need to explain or
make excuses or apologize.
I've just spent the last few
hours on the world's most f*cked
up rollercoaster of emotions
and I can't deal with another dip.
I did something that hurt
you and I would do anything
in the entire world to
take it back. Anything.
I don't expect that you'll
forgive me or get past it,
but I just wanted to tell
you that I love you so much.
And I wish I said it more often, but I...
It's not about getting past it.
It's about a new reality. Remember?
I didn't understand that, then. I do now.
Connor?
Hi. Your baby wasn't his.
No.
I'm sorry.
Me too.
Hey, remember that time we had sex?
Yeah. Pops up every once in a while.
Well, you know, maybe
we aren't so strange.
We're just two pairs of
people accidentally having kids.
I wouldn't say I'm part of a pair.
Yeah, me neither.
You've seen it coming through, though,
and you're gonna be an amazing mom.
Just don't know how many amazing
moms start out not ready to be one.
Probably a lot.
You know, we can help each other out,
too, right? Don't you need a mom friend?
We can read. Mommy read it.
Talk about their sore n*pples.
Oh, my God. Forget my n*pples. I think
my vag*na tore straight to my as*h*le.
Oh, God. Second degree?
Yes. It's just one hole.
She's so beautiful.
Okay. That is a bachelorette.
That's perfect for you.
It is. It's perfect for us.
Do you need help moving?
Oh, no, no, no. Taking Fiona is
already the best thing you can do.
Also, if you need a real
man, I know that Connor isn't
fit for the job. I'm here.
You've probably seen my delts.
I did notice that. I would love that.
Thank you, Craig.
I kind of just wanted
to compliment.
I didn't actually want to
help if I'm being honest.
These are not moving muscles.
These are g*y muscles. They're for show.
Come on. Come on, Greg.
I will help you get a test ribbon.
What are you doing here?
I bumped into Jenny and
Greg, and they said the little
sprouts with you thought
they could have a play date.
I don't know how much
playing can be done,
but I guess they could
fidget near each other.
And now what you and Greg do?
Come here.
Wow. She is so cute.
Um, how, how, how's co-parenting life?
Honestly, pretty good.
Half the time, it's just
my same normal life.
The other half, I get to hang
up with this little nugget, so...
Not, not to say that it's easy to sleep.
How's it going for you?
Uh, I'm hanging in there.
Yeah.
What'd you name her?
Fiona.
Nice. Pretty.
It was Jenny's idea.
She was attached to it,
and I had limited
political capital, so...
What'd you name yours?
Alice.
Alice.
I thought that made you
think of cans of turnigrew.
Makes me think of something different now.
I've been calling you,
obviously, you know, that I've
been calling you, and I
wanted to give you space.
I know.
It's all out there. You know no
more secrets, no more surprises.
No one else standing in our way.
Just us needing to move past this.
Just you, not to point fingers.
But I'm ready.
One.
I don't know if I am.
I'm just scared to get hurt. You know?
I don't want to go through that again.
A heart that's afraid to break
is a heart that's never used.
I think the Dalai Lama said that.
Brilliant guy.
So you, you were, you were, you were there.
You realize you're making your
point by admitting to more lying, right?
But I am making my point.
Now, technically, it was
my point originally, so I
guess I, I guess I have
no choice but to accept it.
My point is, I'm learning to
take care of the things that I love.
People like you, find it easy.
Make it to sea.
Walking on air.
Hurting by the rivers through
the streams, every corner.
About until soon.
So now we're together.
Don't walk away.
And silence.
Don't walk away.
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Threesome, The (2025)
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