01x12 - Deer Stakes

[bunniefuu]

[lighter clicks] Yo, Mark.

[fire woosh]
Just got my UBI check.

Bet we can get some
sweet tickets for the

Phillies game on Thursday.

Nah, Hank.

We got better plans.

What's better than
Dollar Dog Night?

Bow hunting.

Hell yeah. Bow hunting.

So, uh, what's bow hunting?

It's hunting but
with a bow and arrow.

Way more hardcore.

Woah.

Let me tell you, there's
something beautiful

and ancient about
the bow and arrow.

One of man's most
primitive tools.

Check it out.

Woah.

The Falcon NX5, Buckshredder.

This bad boy fires a
hundred heat seeking arrows

in under six seconds.

Damn, just like
the caveman used.

Yup, they were having a sale
at Hardcore Hunting.

Spend over twenty five hundred
dollars and get a free grenade.

Nice. You never know when
you might need a grenade.

Exactly.

So, uh, you know how
to use this thing or?

Oh yeah, I've been
listening to Rogan talk

about elk hunting for years.

Maybe I should practice
a little with the bow?

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
you don't use the bow.

I don't?

Nah, nah, you got a much more

important role.

Oh, okay.

Every hunter needs a gatherer.

You are the gatherer.

Nice.

So, uh, what does a gatherer do?

After I sh**t the arrows,

you gather 'em.

Awesome.

Oh baby, look at that,
look at that.

Okay. We got movement

at 12 o'clock
right there, Hank.

Okay, you wanna see
this bad boy in action?

Hell yeah.

[sh**ting]

[screech!]

[beep, beep, beep]

Uh, Mark?

Oh crap.

I forgot they're heat seeking.

Hank, hit the deck!

[loud expl*si*n]

[ting]

Well don't you
stand there, Hank?

Gather the arrows!

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Well, I used to work
at a hot dog factory.

Until them
robots came along.

And now
there is no job for me

But I get 3,000
bucks a month

Thanks to UBI

Now we're
Universal Basic Guys.

It may not
sound like much.

But we're
still gonna try

We're just
Universal Basic Guys

No, no, no, no.

UBI is not freedom, okay?

It's socialism.

Giving people handouts.

That's the end of
America right there.

Wait, aren't you on disability?

Okay, well, that's due to a
serious medical issue, okay?

Chronic Edema.

Swollen ankles due
to salt retention.

You can't work with
a handicap like that.

[slurps]

Oh hey, hun.

Hey, did you guys
know a Doug Davidson?

Oh, Dougie D?

Yeah, he uh worked
at the hot dog factory.

Good guy.

Oh, yeah?

Well, apparently his wife

Janine's been reported missing,

and now they can't find Doug.

Ya know, I think he had
something to do with it.

Oh, get out of here.

You watch way too much Dateline.

Uh, where's the grill?

- Oh, it blew up.

Hank.

It blew up?

It was an accident, okay?

Oh, yeah?

An accident?

Hey, you should be
happy to know

that the arrows I purchased

are of high enough quality
to pierce a propane tank.

Oh, great. I'm thrilled.

You really know my
love language, Mark.

I'm telling you, Tam, this is a
really smart investment, okay?

This thing's gonna provide
us with infinite meat.

You want to provide
food for the family?

Why don't you just try growing
a garden like David over there?

[camera clicks]

Oh, come on,
that whole garden is like

one freakin' salad, okay?

A single deer would provide our
family with meat for months.

[rustling]

Ooh, ooh, Hank, check it out.

Looks like dinner has arrived.

Let's go.

[crossbow loading]

Oh, okay, great.

In the off chance he actually
k*lled a poor thing, we can

sous vide it in the hot tub,
since we no longer have a grill.

You know, you can actually
do that Tam, okay?

I know a guy who can disable
the high limit sensor

and get this puppy up to 130.

Uh, we're good.

Okay, lay it on me.

- Well, good news and bad news.

Hah, really?

Okay, let's start with the bad.

What's this bad news?

- So, all the major
cable networks passed.

Ughhh, dammit!

Oh, come on!

You know, this is
why cable is dying.

What about the podcasts?

I gave you a list of podcasts.

Let's go through those.

- Yeah, uh... Terry Gross?
Sam Harris?

Those are huge podcasts, David.

I mean, in what world
do you think they would

want to interview a guy
who self-published

a book about gardening?

Uh, sustainable gardening,

and it's about my journey, okay?

Ugh. What's the point of having
a book publicist if you

can't get me any interviews?

- Uh, I am not your publicist.

I'm your cousin.

I'm doing this as
a favor, David.

So am I.

I got a lot of cousins, Chuck.

I could have gone
with any of 'em.

- Okay, David.

Ugh.

Okay, so what's the good news?

- I booked you on
Sunrise Philadelphia.

Oh... okay.

Okay, that's not bad.

That's like a pretty
big deal down here.

- Great, because they also
would love for you to show

them your garden and give
some organic gardening tips.

Oh, wow! That's exciting.

So they're coming to my house?

Am I doing my own makeup
or are they sending someone?

- Uh... is there someone in your
backyard with a crossbow?

Wait, what?

[GASP]

Hey! Uh, no! No!

Shh!!

[crossbow firing]

[thud]

Dammit, David!

I was about to light
that bad boy up!

Mark!

Please do not hunt
in my backyard!

I'm protecting your crops.

That deer was eating
your p*nis emojis.

Those are eggplants.

Oh, that's an eggplant.

What did you think
an eggplant was?

I don't know. I always thought

it was like a tree that

grows eggs or something.

Ok. Well listen, I don't need
your help defending my garden.

I'm perfectly capable
of keeping deer away

without murdering them.

I don't know about
that, David, okay?

Deer aren't afraid
of guys like you.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, they can sense that

I'm a decent human being?

Nature's only got one rule:
k*ll or be k*lled.

When the animals sense
you're a vegetarian, they're

not afraid of you no more.

They will walk all over you.

Okay. Fine.

If that's the cost of being
ethical,

then the animals

don't have to respect me.

Whoa, David, okay?

Bow hunting is highly
ethical, okay?

More ethical than being
vegetarian, actually.

I mean, I feel like NOT
k*lling a conscious creature

at all... probably the
most ethical thing, no?

David, what do you think
is going happen to that

deer you just spooked?

Do you think he's gonna go on

and live forever?

Go become the first
deer astronaut?

I got news for you.

Nature is brutal.

That deer is gonna get
eaten by a bear, or hit

by a car, or die of one of
those parasites where a worm

takes control of its brain
and makes it walk around all

weird and fall over the field.

Okay, bow hunting gives that
deer a dignified, noble death.

In fact, the best possible
outcome for that deer is to

take an arrow through the
heart from yours truly, okay?

Okay, listen, if you wanna go
sh**t defenseless animals,

that's your choice, but
maybe do it in the woods?

Okay, David.

Pfft!

Let's go, Hank!

You know ah, Hank,
I-- I'm surprised.

You don't seem like
the hunting type.

Oh, I'm actually just gathering.

Hey, don't forget your arrows!

Dammit, Hank!

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Okay... Any minute now...

Our little four legged friend
is gonna to come stumbling

right into the line of fire.

[squirt!]

Hank, what the
hell are you doing?

I'm taking a hot dog break.

What do you mean hot dog break?

We've been out here
for 20 minutes.

The hell's wrong with you?

We're catching our own meat now.

Yeah, I just don't know
how I feel about, like,

k*lling animals and stuff.

Hank!

What do you think hot dogs

are made from?

Uh, sludge?

Listen, I'm telling you.
This is way more ethical

than eating hot dogs.

We bow hunters
follow a strict code.

[twigs snapping]

Hey, oh-- shh,
shh, shh, shh, shh.

Hank, check it out.

[lens focus]

Wouldn't it be against
bow hunting rules

to k*ll a baby deer?

Might not be a baby.

Could be a m*dget.

[crossbow fire]

[lens focus]

Whoa!

[zipper]

What the hell was that?

Dougie D?

Yo!

You gotta be more careful, man.

What are you doing out here?

Mark?

Hank?

Hey-- Well... since getting
laid off from the factory,

I uh...

I finally decided
to live my dream of

being a survivalist.

Yeah.

No way,

that's freaking awesome, man.

Yeah, see Hank, I told you
this guy didn't k*ll his wife.

What?

No, no, no, that's crazy.

Of course I didn't.

I had nothing to do with it.

Ah, I wouldn't worry too much.

Right now, she's just missing.

Oh, yeah, right,
right, right, yeah.

So, like, nobody knows
I'm out here, right?

I mean, I don't think so.

Except us now, obviously.

Yeah.

[tense music]

Well, listen, if you want

a break from solitude,

you're welcome to come
bow hunting with us.

You know,

that sounds like a great idea.

[dramatic music]

[snap]

Uh, excuse me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing, babe?

Grabbing a couple tomatoes?

Okay, why do you need tomatoes?

To... eat?

Yeah, this garden
is not for eating.

This garden is going
to be featured on TV.

This would be like you going
on the full house set and

eating the Olsen Twins.

Uh, I don't think I'm the
one you need to worry about.

What do you mean?

[dramatic music]

Damnit!

Oh, come on,
jeez.

Oh, they ate ah-- they
ate everything!

They even ate
the frickin' herbs!

Are you alright over
there, Jinglebells?

- No.

The damn deer keep
eating my crops.

You know, I got a guy who can
install a spiked fence for you.

A spiked fence?

Uh, sounds a little extreme.
Does it work?

Oh yeah, big time, okay?

That's why they're ill*gal.

- They're ill*gal?

Well, only because the
snowflakes you elect

claim they're "inhumane."

Okay, well anything that'll harm
animals is out of the question.

Nah, nah, nah.

It's just a deterrent.

Like a, uh, spiky
metal scarecrow.

Yeah, thanks but no thanks.

I'll just stick with,
uh, peppermint oil.

Pfft. Wasting your money.

What do you mean?

Doesn't work on a deer
in South Jersey, okay?

The animals here are
stubborn b*stards.

No respect for property.

Excuse me.

Get the hell out of my hot tub.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Pfft. Unbelievable.

Fricken deer all over the
roads and none in the forest.

You know what?

I know a perfect spot where
a ton of deer hang out.

But we gotta go a little
deeper in the woods.

Eh, I don't know.

I feel like we should head back.

You know, it's
getting kind of late.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You can't leave!

I-- I mean... we should
camp out, right?

Look, I got a tent,
I got a whole set up.

It'll be great.

Aw, hell yeah.

A little overnight hunting trip

with the boys.

What do you say, Hank?

Uh... I'm pretty hungry.

Hank, what do you say you and
me do a little foraging, yeah?

You know, a lot of people
say that mushrooms are the

hot dogs of the forest.

Oh yeah?

Okay.

Yo, there we go!

There we go, Hanky Hank!

Yeah, alright, Doug, Doug,
just let me call the wife.

Uh, I gotta let her know
we're sleeping out tonight.

No, no, no, no, you can't!

Well, I mean... who
needs to call their wife?

We're just hanging out.

Pfft, oka-- Doug, I got news
for you, okay?

If I camp out here with
you and don't tell her,

I'm literally gonna
get m*rder*d.

Okay, uh... just maybe don't
mention you're with me, please?

Don't worry, I got you.

[TV] -She was the life
of the party.

Her smile would light up a
room, but little did she know.

Oh yeah, she's dead.

She's freakin' dead.

[phone buzzing]

Hey hun... What's up?

Hey uh, just wanna let you
know I'm gonna be camping out

tonight with uh, Hank and Doug.

Ah, crap.

Doug?

As in Doug Davidson?

No, no, uh, Doug,
uh, Doug Peterson.

The old Eagles coach?

Uh, yeah, yeah, that's whom.
Agh, alright listen.

Okay, Tam, I'm with Doug, okay?

But just keep it
on the DL, okay?

He doesn't want anyone
to know he's out here.

Uh, yeah, you know why?

Because he's a
m*rder*r, you idiot!

Okay, calm down.

He's not a m*rder*r.

He's a good guy and he
needs friends right now.

Mark!

I'm telling ya,

I've been checking out
his Facebook.

Look at some of
the pages he likes.

O.J. Simpson, Chris Benoit,
Oscar Pistorius.

Okay, so the guy likes sports.

I mean No, Mark.

He likes athletes who
k*lled their FRICKIN' wives!

Oh, please, okay?

You like Michael Jackson
doesn't mean you go

around boinking kids.

Mark, listen to me.

You and your brother need
to get your asses outta

there and call the cops!

Okay, I hear you.
I got you.

Okay, let me talk to the guys.

No! Do not talk to
the guys about it!

[sigh]

[eerie music]

Oh! What about that one?

Ooh, that's a beauty, Hank.

Good pick.

You sure it's not
like, uh, poison?

Not at all.

In fact, those are my favorite.

I eat them all the time.

Hmm...

[grunt, thud]

Oh.

Someone left a perfectly
good knife in that tree.

Oh... uh... yeah. Nice.

Yeah, I don't know
if I can eat this.

Looks just like the
guy from Mario Kart.

But, uh, you know,
you should have it.

Oh, no, no, I'm good, thanks.

Oh, come on, I insist.

You said you eat these
mushrooms all the time and

that these are your favorite.

Right. I... um...
fine, yeah. Sure.

[crunch]

Mmm.

Yummy.

[groan]

Would you excuse me
for just a second?

[vomit]

Good news guys.

Talked to the wife.

We are all clear for camping.

Hey, what's up with him?

Hey Mark, can I uh, talk
to you for a second?

What's up?

I have some concerns about Doug.

I think he's bulimic.

[vomit]

[crickets]

[crunching]

Oh, come on.

Shoo!

Go!

Get out of here!

Swear to god, buddy.

Don't make me use
the peppermint spray.

You'll be smelling like
Christmas for weeks.

[squirt]

[dramatic music]

Sorry.
I'm sorry.

[clang]

[hooves]

[ding]

[door unlocks]

Mr Jinglebells.

Hi.

Yeah, so, uh,

about that spiky fence.

[owl hoots]

So she really thinks
Doug did it, eh?

Yo no, she's nuts, okay?

She saw one thing on his
Facebook page and now

she's fricken Columbo.

I don't know, Mark didn't
like his, uh, first wife die

in a weird way or something?

No, not at all, okay?

She, uh, I think she fell
down the stairs or something.

Poor guy, if anyone
appreciates

having a wife,
it's gotta be Doug.

[twigs snapping]

Did you hear that?
Shh, shh, shh..

[crossbow fires]

[whoosh]

[beep, beep, beep]

[thud, thud, thud]

Ugggh!

[yells and groans]

Oh boy.

Uh, is he dead?

Hank, would you relax?

Okay, this is just a
little hunting accident.

It happens all the time.

Hey, Doug.

Doug, you good?

Arrrgh!

Okay, don't worry, pal.

Just got uh, the wind
knocked out of you, okay?

No big deal.

Uh, should we call

[groans]

Ehhh. Yeah, probably.

Ah, crap. Phone's dead.

Yo, Hank, what uh...
percentage you at?

I don't know. Won't turn on.

Hmm. Looks like we're
gonna have to do this

the old fashioned way.

Like a surgery with
sticks or something?

Hm...

[groans]

You know what, nah.

I think we gotta,
we gotta go get help.

[ting]

What the hell kind
of fence is this?

Eh, it's just a deterrent
to keep deer out.

It's hideous.

I don't know, I kind of like it.

It's got kind of a
Game of Thrones vibe.

Ugh.

Listen, I have no choice.

The Sunrise Philadelphia
people are coming and the

entire tri-state area is
going to see my garden, okay?

No one's going to buy a
gardening book from a man

with nibbled eggplants.

How much is this
thing going to cost?

Oh, it's Mernft Man's friend.
He's doing it as a favor.

Eight thousand dollars.

Eight thou--
You mean eight thousand rubles?

No.

You know. Okay well look,

our fence budget is only
two thousand dollars.

Eight thousand dollars!

Okay yes, sure.
Sorry, no problem.

Uh,...you know what?

I'm gonna go get my checkbook.

Cash.

I don't have eight thousand
dollars in cash on me!

Okay listen, David, okay?

I know your people love
a bargain, but you can't

negotiate with these guys, okay?

He's like full-on
Russian mob.

- Oh my god.

- You know what, I'm gonna
run to the bank. Alright?

Eight thousand?
Great, no problem.

- David, I have to go to work.

Just... I'll be right back.

So... uh, should we be worried
about rust or anything?

Rust good.

Give enemies tetanus.

[footsteps]

Eh, you sure we're going
the right way, Mark?

We've been walking
for like sixteen hours.

Yes, Hank, you see this?

Moss only grows on the
north side of trees.

So what you do is you just
follow the moss, and it'll

take you to-- takes you
in a straight line. Okay?

Yeah, but that tree
has moss all around it.

Holy crap, Hank.

It's a freakin' deer city!

[angelic music]

Oh, yeah.

Too bad we gotta
get help for Doug.

He's fine, Hank, okay?
He's a survivalist.

Not dying is like, that's
like their one rule.

This might be our only
chance to bag a buck.

If I come back from an
overnight hunting trip with

no frickin' meat, pfft, I'm
never gonna hear end of it.

[click]

[click, click]

Damnit!

Hank, it's freakin' empty!

Where are the arrows?

Oh crap, I think they're
uh, still in Doug.

[sigh] Damn, alright,

well I didn't want to
have to do this,

but you left me no choice Hank,
okay? This is on you.

Woah, you sure it's ethical
to use a grenade on a deer?

Oh yeah, VERY ethical.

Instant death, no suffering.
Plus they die together,

so they go to heaven together.

- True.

Alright, this is it.
For all the money.

[click]

[thud]

Oh crap!
Fire in the hole!

Let's go go go go!

[boom!]

[wings flapping]

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

Welcome back to
Sunrise Philadelphia.

Denise, are you into gardening?

Oh, no, Howard,

the only time my thumb is
green is when I'm using

it to call my landscaper!

[laughter]

Well, our own Tracy Mummers
is live in Glantontown to

show us why they call
New Jersey the Garden State.

Thanks, Howard!

I'm here with David Jinglebells,
author of

A New Leaf: My Journey
into Sustainable Gardening.

David, can we start with
a little tour of your

beautiful garden here?

Great, sure, yeah!

So first up we have
a local staple.

This is the Jersey tomato.

- Oh yes. Love those
in a Caprese salad.

And look at these eggplants.

Impressive.

Oh well thank you very much!

Yeah, these are actually
Japanese eggplants, which are

a fantastic meat substitute.

You get the texture of meat,
but without the m*rder.

[thud, groan]

Oh!

[gasp]

Oh, wow.

I think a deer just got
stuck on your fence.

[thud, groan]

Oh, god!

[thud, thud]

Oh, no!

[thud, groans]

[screams]

[splat]

Oh, god! Please--

[groans]

[screams]

[tv static]

Oh, deer.

That's not good.

Ah, fricken A. I think
we're back at the campsite.

Wait, did we just walk all
the way around the Earth?

[siren wailing]

Look, Doug's getting help!

[siren wailing]

[camera flash]

[camera flash]

Yeah, uh. I think
he's dead, Hank.

Oh, jeez.

Hank, I k*lled the guy.

I freaking k*lled the guy, okay?

I'm going to jail.

Maybe Tammy was right.

Yeah, about Doug k*lling Janine?

No, about bo hu-- wait a minute-
YEAH.

Yeah! About Doug k*lling Janine!

Cause if Doug did it, then I
didn't just k*ll some guy...

I k*lled a m*rder*r!

Doug is obviously a
fricken m*rder*r!

Okay, how's that for ethical?

Forget bow hunter,
I'm a BOUNTY hunter.

Wait, where you going?

Where you think I'm going?
To get my reward!

Yo, clean up on
aisle five, right?

Who the hell are you?

How you doin', uh Mark Hoagies.
Bounty hunter.

Okay buddy well this
is an active crime scene.

Are you authorized to be here?

I mean considering this is my
handiwork, yeah I'd say so.

Hold on. Are you confessing
to k*lling this guy?

I prefer to call it
neutralizing a m*rder*r.

But yes, that is correct.

[gulp]

[handcuffs rustling]

Well, Hoagies, uh your
little brother over

there told us everything.

[sigh]

b*stard sold me out

for a hot dog!

Unbelievable.

He says you
accidentally shot Doug,

which by the way,
is still a serious crime.

Dammit, Hank.

But, he also gathered the

smoking g*n evidence we

needed to close this case.

Or should I say, smoking knife?

He found a knife in a
tree with Janine's blood.

So how about we agree
this was self defense

and call it a day, eh?

Hmmm. Self defense?

Interesting.

How would that affect
the reward money?

Your reward is
not going to jail.

Now get the hell out of here
before I change my mind.

Deal.

Hey, Mernft, uh, you think
your Russian friend could

throw me up there too?

[squeak]

Come on, David it's fine, okay?

The world's a better
place with, uh,

a fifteen or
so less deer in it.

Well, at least your
eggplants are intact.

[creaking]

[crash!]

Andrea, this Caprese
salad is wonderful.

Thank you.
Better be.

Those are eight thousand
dollar tomatoes.

And this deer kebab is hot
dog quality let me tell you.

Uh, thanks?

Yeah David. You k*lled it.

Believe me, I am aware Mark.

You gotta try it
David, come on.

Sure, why not.

Hmm. Not bad, actually.

Wow.

And thus ends David's

four month vegetarian adventure.

I mean, it feels like it
would be unethical NOT

to eat it at this point.

Right, Mark?

Actually David, you'll be happy

to know that I no longer

hunt innocent creatures...

only obviously guilty ones.

I am a bounty hunter now.

Oh give me a break.

No he's not.

Yes I am Tam.

I think this is my calling.

Okay, Mark. For legal reasons,
why don't we discuss this later.

So uh, what happened
to the rest of the deer?

Oh uh... Mernft Man
actually took 'em. Heh.

Oh my god.

Are you fricken kidding me?

[splash]