05x12 - The Genie Detective

[bunniefuu]

You guys still here?
Shouldn't you be gone?

Talk to the a**l-retentive
chef here.

Why can't you just buy
your lunch like the normal kids?

Hey, I'm just trying
to eat a little healthier.

Senior portraits
are coming up, you know.

Here.
I'll cut out the middleman.

- Whoo!
- [ Tingling ]

- What was that?
- Instant liposuction.

I just took ten pounds off you.
Now motor.

Ten pounds?

Where'd you put them?

Who cares?
Let's rock!

Bye!

Have a nice day!
Sayonara, lumpy.

Now for some fun.

[ Beeping ]

A steaming cup of decaf mocha
and a virtual reality adventure:

this is my time.

Mmm.

MAN: Welcome to Virtual Vision's
"Private Eye Adventure."

Sit back, relax, and enjoy
your film noir virtual experience.

LISA: It was another wet,
moonlit night in the naked city

where life's as cheap as a cup
of Joe and twice as black.

Whenever there's a mystery
I'm that special someone

everybody's looking for.

The name's McGuffin--
Legs McGuffin.

I had an office in a rundown walk-up
at the corner of bedlam and squalor.

It was a quiet night...

[ Knock at door ]

Until I got that knock on the door.

I wasn't expecting trouble--

Which is usually
when it showed up.

In this business, you had
to be ready for anything.

[ Trigger c*ck ]

Did I mention life was cheap?

It wasn't my birthday, so what
joker was sending me presents?

It was the Cadillac
of Garden Gnomes:

compact, porcelain and sassy.

But for a hard-drinking dame
with no garden it was also useless.

Nice gnome.

Yours?

That was when
he walked into my life.

He had gams that went
all the way to his feet

and eyes in the front
of his head-- two of them.

Add to that a couple of ears,
a cute button nose

and a pie hole
due South of his nostrils...

He was a total package, this one
and I couldn't wait to unwrap him.

- Didn't catch your name.
- Didn't throw it.

- You're Quick.
- No... I'm Roger.

Roger DeSwans.

Of the Newport DeSwans?

The same.

Everyone knew the DeSwans.

They had the stink of
old money, and this one

reeked like a tuna boat.
He was fancy albacore all the way.

So, what can I do
for you, Mr. DeSwans?

- I want you to solve a m*rder.
- Whose?

Mine.

If you don't mind me saying,
DeSwans, you're looking pretty...

Healthy for a dead guy.
Somebody slipped me poison, see?

Luminous poison.

"Luminous"?
As in "glowing"?

It's spreading already.

By this time tomorrow
I could literally moon you.

McGuffin...
I need you to find my k*ller.

Find him, find the antidote.
The clock is running out.

I've got 24 hours
before I'm D.O.A.

This is a big city, Mr. DeSwans.
Can you think of anyone

who'd want to see you
in the six-feet-under club?

Got a phone book?

You don't have time
for jokes, Mr. DeSwans.

It wasn't a joke.

DeSwans had a lot of enemies.

He was about as popular
as a wooden biscuit in Dogtown.

So I figured I'd start
at the beginning.

Aaron Aaxelrod didn't have
a lot of friends

but he sure had a lot of fans.

What's your beef, McGuffin?

I'm trying to run a business,
and you come down here

shaking my monkey tree?

You know this man?

- Never seen him before.
- Wrong answer.

All right. I'll... sing.

Um, I know him,
and I know who poisoned him.

Ooh... ooh!
Talk about your lucky breaks.

The first man on the first page
of the phone book had answers.

It was easy-- too easy.

- [ Two g*nshots ]
- [ Aaxelrod screaming ]

Okay.
Now it was getting harder.

Well, well...

What do we have here?

My first real clue: silk--
high grade, dense weave...

this was jockey silk.

ANNOUNCER: The horses are
entering the gate... and they're off.

It was time to see a man
about a horse.

I knew my man as soon
as I saw him--

Shag McCann.

A two-bit jockey
at a two-bit racetrack.

Pale, scrawny, twitchy.

Was he just socially awkward
or hopped up on something?

I decided to find out.

- Who do you like in the fifth, Shag?
- Who wants to know, Toots?

Your tailor.

You're not taking me alive, Copper!

- Yi-yi! Hey!
- So, he wanted it the hard way.

Fine by me.

[ Tires squealing ]

Ooh!

Oh, ooh...

Ooh!

Now... are... you...
ready to talk?

You're good, Legs.
Real good.

Cut the baloney, pony boy.

What do you know
about pharmaceuticals?

You know darn well.

"Pony-go"? "Equi-spaz"?

- You've been doping the ponies?
- And how.

I'm a little tall for a jockey.

Hopping up the horses is the
only way for me to win a race.

- You ever drug a human, Shag?
- A human?!

Gosh, no.
That'd be dirty pool.

I was beginning to think I was as
off-base as a blind shortstop.

But then I saw it.

This has got luminous poison in it.

Yeah, but it's safe for horses, see?

- What quack prescribed this stuff?!
- I'll talk! I'll talk!

The man who prescribed
the luminous poison was...

[ Two g*nshots ]

His name is Dr. Danglers.
He's a dentist.

- You want his address?
- Much obliged.

[ Horse neighing ]

[ Gulping noises ]

Dr. Milo Danglers--
horse dentist extraordinaire.

Sorry, Doc.
Didn't mean to interrupt happy hour.

I, uh... I keep some around
for purely medicinal purposes.

The old wbones stank of hooch.

Just being around him
made my cuts hurt.

So, Mr. Pony Dentist...

Look any gift horses
in the mouth lately?

[ Chortling ]

That's good.
That's very clever.

Let's drink to that one,
shall we?

I want you to tell me
a story...

And it'd better have
"luminous poison" in the title.

[ Yelps ]

I'll tell you what
you want to know.

Uh...
luminous poison-- right.

I, uh, prescribed some
just this morning.

I know--
for that jockey Shag McCann.

Oh, no.

Uh, for that millionaire
playboy Roger DeSwans.

So, DeSwans had his teeth
done by a horse dentist.

He must have had one lousy hmo.

You made a chump out of me!

- Oh!
- What's the game, DeSwans?

The horse doc says he gave you
the luminous poison.

He's lying.

Come on.
Use that pretty head of yours.

Why would I try to poison myself?

I swear, Legs...
I'm being square with you.

Square this, sugar.

Ooh! Aah! Oh! Aah!

Why... do... you...
keep... slapping... me?

- Oh! Aah!
- It's a rhythm thing.

- [ Sighs ]
- I'm done now.

It's okay.
[ Gulps ]

I deserve it.

I'm a bad, bad man and I'm going
to die in less than five hours.

Worst part of all is,
I'm going to...

Die a vir... a vir-vir...

[ Grunts and groans ]
Why can't I say that word?

- Hays code.
- b*stards.

Listen, whether I'm lying or not
there's one thing for sure:

I'm a dying man and
I deserve one last request.

- What did you have in mind?
- [ Sighs ]

That was nice.

I'm a rich man and I could
have anything I desire

but, somehow,
you're all I want right now.

You make it sound
tempting, Mr. DeSwans

but you and I we're from
two different worlds

and love hasn't been kind
to me of late.

Don't deny your passion, Legs.

What we could have together
might be something...

- beautiful.
- Ah, what the hell.

After all, it was only a V.R. Fantasy
and he did have those gams.

You bet you, baby.
Gams all the way down to my feet.

How'd he know I thought that?

Unless he could hear
my hard-boiled narration.

DESWAN:
Uh-oh. She was onto me.

- I heard that!
- Heard what?

I didn't say nothing.
Okay... it was at that moment

that I decided to kick him
square in the goolies.

- Oh!
- What's the deal, DeSwans?

Uh...
All right, you got me.

I'm not really DeSwans.
It's me, Chett.

I know.

Everyone in this V.R. Fantasy
is based on someone in my life.

No, no, no, no.
It's really me-- Chett.

The real Chett.

I jacked into your fantasy.

What's the big idea,

Mr. Nosey?

This is my fantasy, not yours.
You're ruining my story.

What do you want me to say?
I took a shot.

I figured if you thought I was dying

maybe you'd pound
the posturepedic with me.

You made this entire thing up
just to get me horizontal?

Flattered, huh?

Did you lie about
poisoning yourself, too?

No. That part is true.

I paid that boozehound
horse-odontist

to juice me
with the luminous poison.

What kind of idiot poisons himself?

An idiot with a dream.
[ Chuckles ]

Hey... relax.

I hid the antidote
in the garden gnome.

I'm the one who sent it.
Well, let's get it.

I don't understand.

I left it right here.
Somebody swiped it.

So? No big.
It's just a V.R. Scenario.

It's not like I'm going to die
in real life, right?

[ Chuckles ]

This is the part where you, uh,
laugh and reassure me.

If you die in the V.R. World,
you die for real.

Oh, well, that's just great!

Did you ever think to put
a warning label on the helmet?

I did.

Holy monkeys.

I'm a dead man walking.

I've got four hours till I croak.

Relax. I'm a detective.

I'll solve the case and save your life.

Yeah. Right.
You really think you can do it?

No way.

I've been playing this thing
for two weeks

and I still can't get past level one.

[ sobbing ]

If it makes you feel any better
I'll grant you that last request.

How can you think about sex
at a time like this?!

I'm dying.
Do you get that?

We'll go back to the horse doctor
and get more antidote.

Oh, yeah. That'll work.

- I'll take you up on that sex thing.
- Too late.

You snooze, you lose.

Dr. Danglers?

There.

- Is he dead?
- No. Drugged.

How can you tell?
Now he's never going to talk.

Oh, yeah? Watch this.



[ Moaning ]

Let me try.

[ Moaning ]

Okay, start talking.
Where's the antidote?

Antidote...
is baloney boney bug butter.

Good ol' boys
in a Pekinese Dollhouse.

Smoke 'em if you
got 'em, Leopold.

He's talking crazy talk.

I got bugle wheaties
in the woofer.

Great. He's high as a kite.

At least he's conscious now.

That means we're getting ose.

Give me 50 more cc's
of the purple stuff.

No purple.
Purple burns.

Listen to me.
Your medicine cabinet is empty.

Who took the antidote
for the luminous poison?

Luminous boboom-inous
and he's moo-velous...

♪ When he's in love. ♪

Jockey!

Jockey, huh?

Come on,
we're off to Shag McCann.

I said talk, Jock.
Where's the antidote?

[ Chuckling ]

My God, you are an animal
in this fantasy, aren't you?

You blew your chance to find out.

MAN:
So, what's the rumpus?

You beat up on one of us
you beat up on all of us.

Any way you want it, shortbread.

Yeah, you and what army, dollface?

[ Smacking ]

You ain't so tough now, are you?

Lisa, this one's moving.
This one is moving.

Play with him later, okay?
I need you over here.

Now, where were we?

That's right.
You were about to sing.

Hurry it up.
I only have a half hour left.

Spill it, Shag.
Who took the antidote?

Okay. Okay.

I'll squeal.
I know who took the antidote.

His name is...
[ Screams ]

Great googly-moogly.
Will you look at this?

And the man from the Aaxelrod
fan company was here

just this morning
to loosen the bolts.

I can't find the lights.

Allow me.

- So, what are we looking for?
- I don't know yet.

Just keep your eyes open.
Something tells me

that Aaron Aaxelrod
isn't as dead as I thought.

Very clever, McGuffin.

So, you're right.
He's not really dead.

You pulled a frame job
on the jockey.

- And swiped the garden gnome.
- Darn tootin'.

Looking for this?

The antidote.

Very good, Miss McGuffin.

Except that you two losers
walked right into my trap.

I've got the drop on you.

And he's about ready to drop.

[ Laughing hysterically ]

So, Lisa, is that it?
Do I win?

- Wyatt?
- Wyatt?

In the virtual flesh.

I saw you guys and I figured
I'd join in on the fun.

Wyatt, you don't know
what you're doing.

Don't u hi-hat me, you dirty mug.

I'm giving you a one-way
ticket to Palookaville.

The same goes for the skirt, see?

Okay, Wyatt, game's over.
Chett's dying for real.

- I've only got 30 seconds left.
- Yeah. Dying. Right.

Wyatt, he's not kidding.
Give him the antidote.

- No way.
- Ten seconds.

- Sorry.
- Five seconds.

Wyatt...
in the name of all that's...

[ Gagging ]

Chett!

[ Laughing ]

Top of the world, Ma!

Okay, game over.

♪ I'm the best. ♪

- Now, let's get out of here.
- [ Softly crying ]

You guys are faking!

I can tell.

You are faking, right?

Chett, speak to me.

Gotcha... sucker.

Ah, man.

Yang, Yang, Yang, Yang, Yang.

I actually had five minutes left.

Hey, a really nice piece
of acting back there.

Right back atcha.

And so, Legs McGuffin
put another case to bed.

CHETT:
To bed?

- Chett, get out of my narration.
- Sorry.

WYATT:
Hey, I can hear you guys.

Let me try one.

It was a dark and stormy night.

LISA AND CHETT:
Shut up!

Ah, man.

Everyone's having fun except me.

Whoa! Short guys.

What's up, fellas?

Hey, that's the chump
that got us beat up.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Get him.

[ All chattering ]

[ All chattering ]