05x06 - Man's Best Friend

[bunniefuu]

You guys want some pork rinds?

Sit back, man.

I can feel your hot pork breath
on the back of my neck.

Turn down the radio.
I can't hear you guys back here.

Tell you what, when we're
saying something important

- we'll give you a signal.
- [ both laughing ]

Yeah, one finger salute to you too.

Now pull over.
I've got write my congressman.

- What will you give me?
- I'll give you a stain

on your phony leather seat covers.
Now pull over.

Just joking around, Chester.
You know you the man.

Who's the man?
You the man.

How could I possibly be the man,
when you know you the man?

That's right, I the man.

Happy trails, Chester.

Hey, get back here!

Hey, how the hell
am I supposed to get home?

Oh, nuts.

[ whimpers ]

Hit the road!

Beat it. Go.

Look, pal,
I don't even like dogs.

Especially puntable
little frasier dogs like you.

I'm not in the mood to play.

Because my friends just ditched me.

I'm looking at a five-mile
walk home and if they weren't

my only friends
I'd dump them in a second.

But you wouldn't understand.
Now get lost.

[ barking ]

Oh, idiot.

You got to be more careful, Buddy.

Oh, yeah. You're welcome.

You're my Buddy.
Yeah.

You're my Buddy dog.

Okay, Buddy. Bam!

[ laughs ]

That's Daddy's good boy.

Come on, let's go inside.
Come on. Come on.

Look, he's portable.

You just earned yourself
a bowl of beer.

Well, that was just too cute.

Yeah, it was cute the first 400 times.

Besides,
he doesn't play dead very well.

You can see his stomach
moving when he breathes.

Well, I don't care what you two
cynical little weenies think.

Chett loves that dog.
I think it's sweet.

Oh, my God.

- This is so cute.
- Yeah, he's great, isn't he?

- He sure is.
- Yeah.

He's just there, you know?

- I wish people could be more like Buddy.
- How so?

My friends are all... jerks.

Let's just leave it at that.

But who needs humans
when you've got a buddy like this?

You know,
you could have this both ways.

- Both ways?
- I can make Buddy human.

All the loving loyal qualities of a dog
but in convenient human form.

Wow.
Would you like that, boy?

Go to ball games with Daddy?

Pee standing up?

Drive the jeep when Daddy's had
a few too many?

Buddy's on board.
Wait a minute.

Why are you being so nice to me?

I like this side of you.
And people are a little like dogs.

When they're rewarded for
good behavior they usually keep it up.

- Good boy.
- [ barks ]

Buddy, stand.

Buddy?

Daddy?

That's a good boy.

Stop it.

Buddy? You okay?

- He seems a little freaked.
- He's fine.

Just give him a minute.
How do you think you'd feel

if you'd just been zapped
from a dog into a man?

Right, right, right.
Good point.

Yeah.
I better take a time out.

Come here, Buddy.
Have a seat.

I'll give you the lowdown
on what it's like

to be a member of the
hairless butt club.

Buddy?

What's the matter, boy?

[ whimpers softly ]
No couch. "Bad dog. Get down!"

It's okay, Buddy.
You're allowed.

- Really?
- Humans can sit wherever they want.

[ Buddy whines ]

Soft! Nice.

Feels good.

Anyway the touch thing
about walking on two legs is...

[ barking softly ]

So this is dog man.
Hmm.

- [ potato chip crunches ]
- [ whimpers softly ]

- I think he wants a chip.
- Gee, you think?

Come on.
Give him a chip.

Mm. Mm!

Good. More?

Buddy, don't beg. Bad!

[ whimpers ]

So... this guy was once a dog, huh?

You'd never know it to look at him.

[ whimpers ]

Okay, pal. Let's go.
I'm sorry I yelled, okay?

Does Buddy want to go out?

Huh? Want to go out!

Want to go out!

And then afterwards,
we can go for a burger.

Burger. Buddy love Chet!
Buddy love Chet!

- [ whining playfully ]
- What are you doing?

Girls! Pretty girls.
Buddy like girls.

Hey. Let me give you a tip.
Stay frosty.

You get more action if you pretend
you're not interested.

- Hi! I'm Amanda.
- Hi! I'm Shelly.

I'm Chet, and, uh...
this is Buddy.

- Hi, Buddy!
- Hi, Buddy!

- Mm!
- Buddy was starving,

so we thought we'd come over
and introduce ourselves.

He's so cute! And look at
those big, soulful eyes! Oh!

Poor thing.
He had an eye booger.

- Is it okay if we sit down?
- That'd be nice.

[ giggles ]

[ girls giggling and cooing ]

Booja-booja-boo.
Who's my little boo boo?

[ panting ]

I've got a date with Amanda.

You'll have to stick around here,
okay?

I'll be back.

No, Buddy. I said stay.

Now, look, I know you don't
know what daiting is.

Trust me.
It's not a team sport. Okay?

Now, stay.

[ falsetto ]: Oh, my God!
He's gone! He's gone! He's gone!

Who's going to feed me?!
I'm starving! I'm starving!

- Are you going to knock that off?
- Oh, thank God! He's back!

You were gone so long,
I thought you were never coming back.

Don't make me use this.

Now, stay!

[ door shuts ]

Oh! Somebody had a party.

- Buddy!
- What?! What?! What?! What?! What?!

Did you do this?

[ whimpers ]:
Uh... no.

- Buddy!
- Miss Daddy.

- So you destroyed the house?
- Bad human.

- [ whines ]
- Oh.

He didn't mean it.

Chet shouldn't have left him
here all by himself.

- Poor baby.
- [ Buddy whimpers ]

Buddy like this.

So would Gary.

Get away from me,
you little horn dog.

What did he do?

Let's just say my leg better
get a phone call tomorrow.

[ sniffs ]

Find Daddy!

So... "Amanda."
Is that short for something?

[ laughs ]

You are funny, Chet.

You know, when I first met you
I was really interested

in your friend Buddy,
but then my friend Shelly

said that she liked Buddy
so I said I'd take you.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

I mean, you're really cute
and everything but Buddy is so...

Can we not talk about him?

Oh! Fine by me.

[ chuckles ]

Oh! So happy to see you!

So long! So long! So happy!

What the hell are you doing here?

- [ shrill help ]
- I told you to stay home.

Chet! Don't hurt him.
He missed you.

That... that is so sweet.
You want to sit?

[ laughs ]

Buddy, how did you find me?

[ sniffs ] Cigars.
Hai karate. Meister brau.

Oh... Chet.
I am... so sorry.

I tried to like you
but Buddy is so cute.

- [ Amanda laughing ]
- Ooh, ooh!

Itching.
Itch-itch-itch-itch.

[ laughs ]

[ panting ]

[ Buddy's foot stamping floor ]

[ Buddy moaning ]

Stay!
What have you done?!

[ gasps ]

My universal remote.

- Buddy.
- [ whimpers ]

Want to go for a ride?

[ clown doll squeaking ]

Hey, Chett, have you seen Buddy?

Buddy?

Yeah, you know, 5'8"
toliet breath, eats his own vomit.

He's around somewhere.
He's fine.

Just... fine.
He can take care of himself.

Nothing's going to happen to him.

Get off my back!

I'm hungry, Daddy.

M-make the bad man stop, Daddy.

Don't look at me that way.

Some sweet old lady's
going to find you.

Give you a nice, happy home.

Feed you the best gourmet food.

I don't like apples, Daddy.

[ sobbing ]

I'm coming, Buddy.
Daddy's coming!

Buddy!

Buddy! Come here, boy!

Buddy! Buddy!

Come on, boy! You hear me?

Buddy! Buddy!

Buddy! Come on, Buddy!

Where are you?
[ yelling ]

Holy crap.

[ groaning ]

Help!

Help!

Help!

- Daddy?
- Buddy! Oh...

Oh, am I glad you're here.

Buddy, listen to me.
I need your help.

- Play ball?
- We're not going to play ball right now.

I need you to go get help.
Here's the deal, Buddy.

I need you to go get help,
Buddy.

Buddy... Buddy get help!

[ playing one note badly ]

Buddy, what happened to you?

You been digging in the trash again?

Buddy get help.
Buddy help Daddy.

- Okay, Buddy. Good boy.
- What's he talking about?

Buddy, Buddy,
we can't understand you.

Slow down.

[ whimpering ]
Buddy play ball.

Buddy help Daddy.
Go find Daddy.

- Good boy.
- You were playing ball?

Daddy needs...

[ barking ]

Buddy get...
[ barking ]

[ continues barking ]

- GARY: What's happened?
- The spell wore off.

Great. Now we'll never know
what he was trying to tell us.

No, wait.
I've always wanted to do this.

Buddy, what are you
trying to tell us, boy?

- What is it?
- [ barking ]

You were playing ball with Chett
and then you couldn't find him?

Then you did find him,
but he'd fallen down an abandoned

mine shaft,
and he sent you for help?

Page 548 of the Road Atlas?
Square C-7?

- [ barking ]
- Got it.

Let's go save Chett.

[ barking ]

Buddy?

- Chett?
- Lisa?

- Hey, how you doing, big guy?
- You okay?

- Yeah.
- Let's get you out of there.

Ooh, I'm sorry.
Did I get you?

It was supposed to be
these sticky fingers.

You couldn't have picked
a worse possible moment.

[ grunting ]

Okay, let's give it a shot.

Aw, you did it, Buddy.
I knew you could do it.

That's my Buddy-boy.
So, why is he a dog again anyway?

- The spell wore off.
- Geez, your magic sucks.

- [ chuckling softly ]
- I saw that.

Can you give us a little privacy?

Listen, I want to thank you
for saving my life.

I'm sorry
I ditched you back there.

I guess I never had
a real friend before.

I'm not very good at it.
Sorry.

Daddy, Buddy love Chett.

[ chuckling ]

Aw...

Yes. Mmm.

[ barking ]

So, you haven't seen him?

I've had him since he was that small.

Well, looks like
somebody is looking for you.

Hey, you don't have
to go back to him, you know?

If he was mean to you, or something
you could stay right here with me.

Can I put one here maybe?
Okay.

I get it. You should go.

You're his dog.
Well, go on then.

Get out of here.

Don't be a stranger.

Floofer!

Where have you been?
I've missed you so...

- [ whimpering ]
- Good boy.

Hi, Chett.

Why so sad?

I just lost the best friend
I ever had, that's all.

Oh..! Who?

My dog.

Oh, you poor guy.
Yeah, is there anything we can do?

Well... the thought of going back
to that big, empty house...

the memory of that sweet
little high-pitched bark...

I don't think I should be alone tonight.

Mmm, we understand.

[ barking ]