05x02 - Girl Talk

[bunniefuu]

Okay. Is Gary's mystery date
going to be a dream or a dud?

Oh, wow.
A dork with a bow tie.

A dud!

You know, it feels like
I'm the only one trying here.

That's because guys
don't do slumber parties.

- Let's do something else.
- We could talk about guys' butts.

Next.

We could watch Little Women.

- Rumble in the Bronx.
- Boys on the Side.

Delta Force Four.

Where he cuts the guy's head off?

- That's the best part!
- No.

Tonight we do what I want to do.

I want to watch a movie
that makes me cry.

You didn't cry when he ate
that grenade to save his buddies?

No blood.
I want to see a chick flick.

Chick flick, slumber parties,
mystery date.

Are you going girlie on us, Lis?

- I am a girl.
- Maybe you should find some girlfriends.

But I don't have any friends
except you guys.

Oh! Lisa, you wound me.
I thought I was your friend.

Your belle.
Your bosom buddy.

Yeah, right.

I can't be in the same room with you
without going for my pepper spray.

What?!
I can't control my sex drive?

Don't flatter yourself.

My libido doesn't jump
until I say "frog."

Let's test that, shall we?

Hey...

- what the hell is this?
- A friendship reinforcement unit.

Anytime Chett gets an impure
thought about me

he gets a friendly electrical reminder.

Mm...

I... I'm a little confused here.

Y... You mean, if Chett were
to think of you in, say, a...

thong bikini... with sweat...

Glistening off your perfect skin...

- [ electrical buzzing ]
- [ screaming ]

He'd get shocked?

Gosh, that is mean.

Oh, uh, Lis?

I can almost see your bra strap.

- [ screaming ]
- [ electrical buzzing ]

You think you're pretty smart, huh?

[ screaming ]

She might make a good girlfriend.

Mm... nah.

She doesn't look like
she'd be any fun at a sleepover.

Whoo!

She does.

Thanks for your help,
Sir Lecherlot.

Here we go.

The usual.

Thanks, Tisch.
You're the best.

Thanks for the ego feed.

I just wish you guys would go for
the gusto and order something different.

For once.

LISA:
Who am I kidding?

I'll never find a girlfriend.

Don't worry, Lis.

I just thought of a place
where there are lots of women.

WOMEN:
Don't ride too high.

Gary, what were you thinking?
Lisa won't fit in with them.

- Why not?
- They all have babies.

When in Rome...
Hey, there, little rubber head.

Coodgy-woodgy-woo.
Oh, so cute.

And on Tuesdays we have Mommy
and me lunch at Fuddruckers.

And on Fridays we all have
swim time at my house.

Sounds like fun.

[ dog snarling ]

The dingo ate your baby!

It's okay.
I can always make more.

- Ugh!
- Ugh!

What?

Here we go! Ice cream.

- I didn't order this.
- I ordered it.

You looked depressed
and ice cream cheers me up.

Ooh. Chunky Monkey.

How did you know
this was my favorite?

I'm a good guesser.
I'm kind of psychic that way.

Me too. Kind of.

Oh, yeah?
What's my favorite tree?

The Lodgepole Pine.

Ooh... you're good!

May I join you?

I knew you were going to say that.

So, that accounts
for my interest in stars.

I can't believe
your dad was an astronaut.

- That's pretty cool.
- What about your dad?

My dad?

Well... he was never really around.

Oh... I'm sorry.

Oh, it's okay.
My mother took care of us.

We had this rock band.
We toured around

on this multi-colored bus
and had lots of adventures.

We had to watch out
for my brother, Danny.

- What a schemer.
- So, when did you settle in California?

We, uh, moved here to be with
my Uncle Steve after the accident.

- The accident.
- He was a test pilot.

It turned out okay.
They made him better, stronger...

- Faster?!
- They had the technology.

I've been lying my butt off.

Every time I open my mouth,
I dig myself in deeper.

- I've got to start telling the truth.
- The truth.

You know...
[ whispering ]: That I'm a magic genie.

No, no. Bad idea.
Lies-- go with the lies.

I'm tired of a friendship based on deceit.
Tisch doesn't like me.

She likes the Thursday
Nick at Night Lineup.

Hello, ladies.
Say, Lisa, how about dinner?

You and me.
I'll get sitter for the kids.

Oh, really?

You won't mind if I wear
my backless, versace mini?

[ snickering ]

As a matter of fact, I insist.

And you won't mind at all
if I order lobster

and suck the butter off
my fingers one at a time...

- real slow?
- [ snickering ]

Better wear a bib.

Chett... what's in your pants?

Ice. Four bags.

I'm in such excruciating
agony right now

that I couldn't think a sexy thought
if you stripped naked

and made me lick baby oil
from your novel.

Uh-oh.
[ screams ]

[ door creaking ]

[ crashing ]

Ow... ow.

[ phone ringing ]

[ Chett groans ]

Oh, that's bad.

[ phone ringing ]

[ chuckling ]

[ Chett yelling ]

How you doing, Mr. Pattison?

So, you and the other angels
never actually saw Charlie?

You just sort of heard him
over the speaker phone?

Uh, let's not talk about me.

Tell me more about your life.

You already know
all about my life.

Come on, there must be
something you haven't told me.

You haven't told me.
You know, don't you?

See, that's what I get for lying.
You see right through me.

- Huh?
- I have a confession to make.

My father isn't actually an astronaut.

His job is to test the suits for leaks.

- You mad?
- Of course not.

Ooh, what a relief!

You don't know what it's like
to carry around a secret that big.

I mean, the guilt is unbearable.
I know exactly what you mean.

Lies... it's all lies!
I'm nothing but a big, fat fibber.

I made it all up to avoid telling
the truth about myself but no more.

Tisch... I'm really a magic genie.

There, I said it.

You mean like in that old show
with Barbara Eden?

Yes.

- What?
- I can't believe it.

We spend three years
keeping you under wraps

and now you go around
blabbing about yourself?

Will you calm down?

We told Chett,
and nothing bad happened.

That's because he wants
to have sex with you.

That's what kept
my mouth shut at first.

I was tired of lying to my friend.

Okay. Okay, damage control.

What exactly did Tisch
say when you told her?

She was really cool about it.

She just kinf of nodded her head over
and over and said, "That's nice."

- And then she went to feed the ducks.
- Whew.

Man , oh, man,
that was a close one.

- What?
- Lis, she was patronizing you.

Like, when I ask a girl out
the polite ones always nod their heads

and say, "That's nice"
and then make a quick escape.

The ducks were a nice touch,
actually.

[ gate opening ]

Uh-oh. Trouble.

You guys just can't handle
the fact that I have a girlfriend.

[ sizzling and gasping ]

Brain... burning... up!

[ grunts ]

I don't want to seem selfish
but I'm glad she didn't believe you.

Yeah. Because if she did
it wouldn't be just

- the three of us anymore.
- You guys are right.

So, I'm just going to have
to go prove I'm a genie.

[ groaning ]

And then maybe Tisch and
I will take a bubble bath together.

[ spasmodic gasping ]

Man, I got to get rid of these things
before they k*ll me.

[ sighs ]

Hey, Tisch.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- How'd you do that?

- I told you-- I'm a genie.
- Right.

Genie.

Tisch, what's wrong?

I told you about my aura paintings
and my astro-colonics

and the time I was almost
abducted by aliens

because it was important
to me and then you go

and make fun of my beliefs
by saying that you're genie.

I thought we were friends.

You thought
I was making fun of you?

Well, weren't you?

You be the judge.
Go ahead, make a wish.

- Lisa, this is crazy.
- Anything you want.

- Name it.
- Okay, I wish...

I wish it was raining men.

Now there's one I can get into.

[ thunder booms ]

[ men yelling ]

I don't even want to know.

I can't feel my legs.

Now do you believe me?

Oh, my gosh!

You really are a genie.

Do you have green blood?

Do you have any blood?

- Where are you from?
- Tisch, chill.

We're still the same friends we were
only now I can be honest with you.

This is so freaky!

You and, and...

You have metal skin or anything?
No tickling.

- Oh, when people find out about you...
- Uh-uh-uh.

You can't tell anybody.

Oh... right. Not a word.

Except, can I tell my sister?
She just loves this kind of thing.

- It's really important.
- Okay. Okay.

I won't tell her.
Although, she would be surprised

but, no.
No, I won't say anything to anyone.

You can't tell anyone.

- Got it?
- This is so wild.

- [ electrical zap ]
- [ gasps ]

That's her. Stay frosty.

All right?

- Hey, Lis!
- Ready to go antiquing?

There's some great stuff in


And there's also this little store
downtown that's got some...

Lisa, this is my sister, Carmen.

Nice to meet you, Carmen.

So, you live around here?

You told her!

- Do you have green blood?
- Don't be stupid.

- How could you do this?!
- I'm sorry.

I'm just really bad at secrets.
But this could be a good thing.

See, now you have two friends
that you can share with.

- And I won't tell a soul.
- Well, I suppose maybe it's okay

as long as it stays
amongst the three of us.

As long as it stays
amongst the five of us.

As long as it stays
amongst the 11 of us.

As long as it stays
amongst the 30 of us.

- 31!
- Sorry, Scooter.

- Missed you back there.
- Do another trick, Lisa.

- [ clamoring ]
- All right. All right.

- What do you want to see?
- Show us a real alien.

ALL:
Yeah! Yeah!

[ all gasping ]

[ speak native tongue ]

MAN: Wow!

He was so cute.
What did he say?

Howdy.

- Bring Elvis back to life.
- Dud, he isn't dead.

CROWD:
Ooh!

Lisa. If my taxable income
is up five percent should I...

schedule "C" for
non-taxable deductions

or just call it a business loss?

[ crowd grumbles ]

Oh. Sorry.

- Change me into an otter.
- [ crowd cheering ]

- No. No more otters.
- [ crowd chattering ]: Otter! Otter!

- WOMAN: Is Nicorette good for you?
- CROWD: Otter! Otter!

Give me godlike powers
over life and death.

Hey, you guys...
you guysare upsetting Lisa.

Leave her alone!
What's come over you guys?

- Hey!
- Give me lots of money!

Stop! Leave her alone.

- Ow!
- MAN: Hey, I got her magic hair!

- Otter! Otter! Otter!
- That's it!

- Enough!
- [ thunder crashing ]

[ screaming ]

[ crowd whimpers ]

Lisa...? You mad?

[ altered voice ]: You have triled with
powers beyond your puny comprehension.

- You have angered the genie!
- Hear that?

You have angered the genie.

- I just asked her to do another trick.
- He pulled her hair!

- I did not.
- Shut up!

[ screaming ]

[ altered voice ]: Never again will you
so rudely inconvenience the magic genie.

Prepare to suffer the consequences.

Oh, Lord, we're going to die.

- Whew!
- Whew!

Glad we took care of that.

You want some help cleaning up?

You k*lled them.

Don't be a goose.
I sent them home.

- They were bugging me.
- Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry, Lisa.
Oh, this whole thing got weird.

I mean, I thought
those guys could handle it.

Now you know
why I don't tell anybody.

Oh, no. I just realized.

By tomorrow the whole world
will know about you.

You won't get a moment's peace,
and it's all my fault.

Don't worry, I wiped their memories
when I sent them away.

They won't remember a thing about me.

- You can do that?
- It's how I've kept my secret for so long.

Oh.
Well, that takes care of them.

- What about me?
- What do you mean?

Well, they never would have found out
if I hadn't opened my big mouth.

I mean, I can't keep a secret.

Watch.
My best friend's a genie.

See?

- Did you say "best friend"?
- Yeah.

You want to know something?
You're my best friend too.

- You're going to make cry.
- I'm sorry.

- I didn't mean to make you cry.
- Oh, no.

- I love crying.
- Me too.

You're going to have to wipe
my memory too, you know?

- I'll never forget you.
- I'll never forget you.

Oh, wait.

Thanks for everything, Tisch.

Good-bye, Lisa.

Uh, "say, Lis, I hear there's
a big sale at bloomies.

- Let us shop until we drop."
- "Great idea, Gary.

"I sure could use some...
moisturizer

and we could split a salad
at the food court."

Uh, "Just keep me away
from those shoe stores.

I go pump crazy."

Look, guys,
I appreciate your effort

but it's just not the same
as having a real girlfriend.

So, if you don't mind I'd just like
to spend some time by myself.

"We're staying. This is when
you need your sisters the most."

- I didn't order this.
- I ordered it.

You look kind of depressed sitting here,
and ice cream always cheers me up.

My name's Tisch.

Lisa. Nice to meet you.

- Is this Chunky Monkey?
- Mm-hmm.

How did you know
this was my favorite?

Oh, I'm a good guesser.
I'm kind of psychic that way.

Me too. Kind of.

All right, what's my favorite tree?

- The Lodgepole Pine.
- Ooh, you're good.

[ Chett moaning ]

Wakey time, Chett.

You want to watch us do our aerobics?

[ screaming ]