05x01 - I Dream of Gene

[bunniefuu]

[ man screams ]

[ screams ]

[ gasping ]

The Drug Lord's behind the limo.

- Frag him.
- Back off.

I am the law.

WYATT: Oh, yeah!
g*n shot! g*n shot!

Wounded!

Finish him off!

GARY:
k*ll! k*ll!

BOTH:
k*ll! k*ll! k*ll! k*ll!

I, uh, I think we were ready
for a time-out anyway.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Uh, sorry.

Looks like we found our power problem.

It's my magic detector.
I'm hunting genies.

- WYATT: Hunting genies?
- This scanner detects magic

and teleports the source
to that transporter pad.

This isn't going to make us sterile,
is it?

Like it matters.

Why the sudden push
to find another genie?

Think of the billions
of computers in the world.

Chances are, there's got to be
another genie out there somewhere.

I can't be completely alone in the world.

You're not alone, you got us.

But you guys have got family--
People who are like you.

What do I have?

Barbara Eden and a big fat
blue guy who talks like Robin Williams.

The truth is out there.

[ beeping ]

[ buzzing ]

Guys, I got signals.

Is it Genie?

The magic detectors
are jumping like fleas on a griddle.

As soon as I get the sleep boogers
out of my eyes somebody's going to die.

Stand back, Chett.
I've got magic readings of the Yin-Yang.

[ shouting ]

[ deep, echoing voice ]: Who dares
disturb the Genie of the Lamp?

[ all whimpering ]

Uh... hi.

My name's Lisa.
I'm the one who brought you here.

- You're not mad, are you?
- [ normal voice ]: Mad? Ha.

What man could display anger in the
presence of such breathtaking loveliness?

May I, Lisa?

- Good opening line.
- Very smooth.

Seen better.

Name's Chett Donnelly.

What handle do you go by,
balloon pants?

My name is Gene and I apologize
if it lacks the sly wit of "balloon pants".

And do you dress yourself, Gene
or does your master pick your clothes?

Not anymore.

[ chuckles ]

Well, that's much better.

You can forget the Alamo
and crush that putrid yellow rose

because I'm finally free of
that Demented Texas Hobgoblin.

Who?

GENE: My current master
discovered me in 1956

and spirited me away to Texas.

Believe me, that's no place for
a civilized magical creature.

Nothing but cows, dust and
mentally unbalanced football fans.

How can I ever repay you
for breaking me out?

You don't have to.

I've always dreamed
of meeting someone like me.

You mean to say you're a genie as well?

- Damn skippy.
- [ laughing ]

- Shall we?
- Shall we what?

I'm dying for a decent martini
preferably in a bar

that doesn't serve ribs and suds.

Corral your longhorn, pal.

With your sparkly pixic magic
and expect Lisa to go off with you.

Later.

Have her back by 11:00.

♪ Home, home one on the range ♪

♪ Where the deer
and the antelope play... ♪

Unbelievable.
There's no escape it.

- Think you can do better?
- Ooh, a challenge.

♪ ...all day ♪

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen
and welcome ot the Yum-Yum Room.

My name is Gene.

My first number tonight is for
a special little lady who's change my life.

A girl who's from his part of town.

[ soft rock music playing ]

♪ There's a girl ini this harbor town ♪

♪ And she works laying whisky down ♪

♪ They say Lisa,
fetch another round ♪

♪ She serves them whiskey and wine ♪

♪ The sailors say, Lisa,
you're a fine girl ♪

♪ Hoo--
what a good wife you would be ♪

♪ Your eyes could steal
a sailor from the sea ♪

♪ What a good wife you would be ♪

♪ But my life,
my love and my lady ♪

♪ Is the sea ♪

♪ Whoo-whoo-whoo ♪

♪ You're a fine girl ♪

[ applause ]

♪ Such a fine girl... ♪

To the most beautiful
lady genie I've ever met.

Your radiance shames the stars.

How many lady genies have you met?

Well, I stopped counting around 4,000.

- Are you jealous?
- Curious.

- Hmm.
- I've had a wonderful time

but you know, you haven't
answered any of my questions.

I want you to tell me everything.

What, and rob you
of the pleasure of discovery?

Come on, please?

Where do genies come from?
Is there a lot of us?

Is there like a secret club,
or something?

Lisa, there's magic everywhere.

It's down there with the mortals
it's up here with us.

We mustn't squander
our precious time together.

Who knows how long it will be before
my masters comes looking for me.

My masters are pretty cool.

I mean, Gary and Wyatt ask
for goofy things but we're equals.

They love me.

Now, the other one this Chett...
Should I be jealous?

Well, he and I sort of...
we almost...

- Uh-huh.
- We did kiss once but... well, you know,

- he's Chett.
- [ chuckles ]

[ sniffing ]
I smell hot cheese.

Sorry.
Must have followed me in.

- Hey! Hey! Fondue!
- Don't be think about it, pus barge.

But I love fondue.

Exactly.
It's delicious and fun to make.

That's why there's no way
Lisa will be able to resist.

So far, Timmy the Turban
has been kicking my butt

in the romance department
but after tonight

there's going to be
a new sheriff in love gulch.

Get real.

What could you possibly do that
would lure Lisa away from Gene.

- He has fondue.
- Cheese and meat.

And if the seductive power of
fondue fails to do the trick

I've rented her favorite movie.

Howard the Duck?
Maybe you do have a shot.

And the topper the time-honored
symbol of man's undying affection

the chick's name carved
permanently into wood.

Tell me this doesn't
scream a commitment.

- It will never work.
- Even with the fondue?

You better pray it does work.

Why would Lisa hang with you
flank spankers

when Gene "the Magnificent" is taking
her hip-hopping on rings of Saturn?

Unless I give her a reason to stay...

It's good-bye genie.

- She loves cheddar.
- Make it sharp.

- Hey, guys.
- Alaska rocks.

It's bigger than Texas,
there's more oil

and they don't give and Armadillo's
Patootie about Emmitt Smith.

LISA:
And we learned this neat trick.

- Eskino kiss.
- Eskino kiss.

That sound like an adventure.

You must be ready for a night in.
I've got fundue and Howard the Duck.

- I love fundue.
- Well, everyone loves fundue.

- but, uh, Lisa and I have plans.
- Gene's taking me back

to the dawn of creation
so we can watch the Big Bang Together.

Oh.

You're tanking.
Go with the plaque.

- Uh, Lisa...
- Oh, before we go

you guys have got
to see what Gene made me.

He carved it himself.

He's so good with his hands.

How nice for him.

Give it up, little man.

She is way out of your league.

[ laughing ]

[ plaque hits floor ]

A little visit to
Gene's home away from home.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Now I've got your number,
curly toes.

[ laughing ]

- Ow! Ow! Ow!
- Stop being such a baby.

Well, blow, blow.

- Oh, oh, oh.
- I told you to wear sunscreen.

Hi, kids.
Fun day at the beach?

Well, it would have been
if you humans hadn't destroyed

the ozone layer with your damned
aerosol squirt cheese.

Well, I know just the thing
to cheer you up.

An old friend of yours
stopped by for a visit.

Howdy.

Long time no see.

Hey, Master.

What have you been up to, Genie?

A little beach blanket bingo?

He can play in my sandbox any old time.

Darlin', I can't have you're flirtin'
while I'm trying to discipline the Genie.

It seems my days of playing
hooky have ended.

You got that right.
Hop in this lamp and let's scoot!

- May I clean out my teapot, Master?
- No lollygagging.

Excuse me, but who are you?

Oh! I beg your pardon, ma'am.
Butayne's the name.

H. Boyd Butayne?
Noted Texas Billionaire H. Boyd Butayne?

What are you doing here?

Well, see, I rose the other day,
AM, and what do I find?

I got a lamp with no genie in it.

Little Missus here was sadder
than a sack of sumbitches.

- Come on, Gene!
- Chop, chop!

Gene, you don't have to go.
I can flash fry this little runt.

Well, as much as I despise him
he is my master.

The time we shared
together was precious.

I'll never forget you, Lisa.

He's such a charmer, ain't he?

He's gone.

I know it hurts now
but give it some time.

And don't forget,
you can always rely on me.

I almost forget.
Thanks for the tip-off, boy.

- How could you hurt me like this?
- I... I, um...

Just when I started to think
that you might be an okay guy.

Ah, hell.

- You sure you want to do this?
- I screwed up!

I ruined Lisa's life
by getting Gene busted.

The only way to set things right
is to get him back

and that's what I'm going to do,
even if it kills me.

- It might k*ll you.
- Huh?

Look, I think I got this thing set in
reverse but it's kind of hard to tell.

It will either transport you
to Buyayne's Mansion or...

Or melt you like an army man
over a lit match.

Kick it!

[ motor whirring ]

[ snoring ]

[ whirring continues ]

[ snoring ]

[ snoring continues ]

Chett?
What are you doing here?

Surely you didn't come
to Texas of your own free will?

Listen up.
You got to go back to Lisa.

- She's crazy about you.
- Unfortunately, I have no say in the matter.

I am bound to serve
the one who summons me.

Yeah, well, I summoned you
and I'm...

Wait a minute.
You mean, since I, uh...?

Yes, yes.
Anything your little heart desires.

- A billion dollars.
- Oh, that's new.

Hot chow!
A billion samolians!

Anything else,
my predictable new master?

Well, yeah.

You bet your silky drawers
there's something else.

Let's see. I wish, uh...
hmm... I wish...

I thought you were an okay guy.

You've done some rotten things...
okay guy...

I'll never be with you now.

[ sighs ]
I wish for your freedom.

My freedom? Really?

Ha! I'm free!

- Aw, groovy!
- Yeah. Just...

- be good to Lisa, okay?
- Lisa?

[ laughs ]
I'm afraid that's impossible.

Oh, sure, she's good fun
but she's not relationship material.

You've been rubbing noses
with somebody else?

Guilty as charged.

Oh. Well, how about I teach you
to rub noses with my fist.

Well, bravo.
I certainly had that coming.

What in the name
of Troy Aikman is going on here?

Chett here just freed me,
you cud-munching troglodyte

and my first act as a free genie
is to claim the hand of my true love.

- Muffin!
- Marie?!

Oh, dearie me.

Isn't this awkward?
Uh, I was talking about Lupe.

- Senor Gene!
- [ chuckles ]

Oh!
Give me some sugar, baby.

Yo. Smokey.

Doesn't it bother you
you're going to break Lisa's heart?

Well, of course it pains me.
You think I like being a cad?

It's my curse.
Keep an eye on Sunday's game, Boyd

because your little cowboys
are going down.

Not my cowboys!
You better not zap my cowboys.

Here goes nothing.

Where are they?

They should be back
by now, shouldn't they?

Uh, I'm sure they'll
by zapping in any minute.

Be patient.
Chett's a marine.

Covert Ops are his specialty.

Gee.
I wonder who this is from.

"Dear Lisa. Chett freed me.

"I'm off to see the universe.
I'll never forget

the time we spent together
but I've run off with the maid.

"Hope this expensive gift
will take the sting out of it.

Fondly, Gene."
Ouch.

Well, wa-hoo.

It was horrible!
An ugly, bloody blur.

That crazy cowboy
wouldn't let him go!

g*ns, dogs, land mines.

But Gene... Gene was a hero.

That damn brave fool.
He ate a grenade to save me.

Lisa, he died
with your name on his lips.

[ sobbing ]

A grenade k*lled
the 4,000 years old immportal genie?

- Uh... a genie-k*lling grenade.
- And he was thinking about me, huh?

Right. So...
you shouldn't be heartbroken

about him blowing up or anything
because he really loved you.

- What else did Gene say?
- Oh. Um...

well, he said
you were absolutely perfect.

Funny... kind...
heart-stoppingly beautiful.

Every time he is with you
he feels like he really matters.

He said you're the kind of girl who a loser
like him can only dream about.

- Gene... said all that?
- With a grenade in his mouth?

Oh, yeah.
And he wanted you to have this.

He made it himself.

This is the most beautiful thing
anyone has ever given me.

It's a shame I can't think Gene--
him being dead and all--

But I can thank you
for... you know...

delievering his last message.

I'm going to go now.

Oh, shut your pie holes.

He did a nice thing.

And if you'll excuse me
I'm putting this over my computer.

I can't seem to find the right man.

Maybe it's not a man
you should be looking for.

You think I might find happiness
in the animal kingdom, ducky?

- Oh, sorry.
- My mistake.

- My fault.
- Go ahead.