04x07 - Funhouse of Death

[bunniefuu]

You make man?

No.

Woman.

Woman.

Oh, my creation.

It's my creation.

From

my heart and from my head.

Why don't people understand?

He's alive!

Alive!

Hey, little lady.

You look like a girl who could use a good
squeezing bear.

May I?

Why not?

You know, you play your
cards right, and tonight you'll be

hitting the sheets with a little
teddy and a big old grizzly.

I think I'm gonna spray.

I know.

He's gotta be stopped.

What

have you done to me?

You stupid jerk!

You hurt him!

I can't help my feet!

Why is it so dark?

Grandma, is that you?

You're disgusting!

What?

Huh?

That was classic.

He'll think twice before he takes aim at a
duck again.

Right, Wyatt?

Wyatt?

So, this funhouse.

Is it any fun?

Depends on who you go, anyway.

I'm Wyatt.

Valerie.

So, Valerie, what time did they let you
off?

Hey, Wyatt, did you see the bloody duck?

Man, it's a slaughterhouse!

Well, hello.

Hello, yourself.

Valerie Gary, Gary Valerie.

He's leaving.

So, what are you guys up to?

Well, I was thinking of asking Valerie to
go see a movie.

Uh, there's that new one where Winona
Ryder grows up in a New England quarry

town and learns about love from a plucky
blind boy.

Or there's the new Van Damme.

Cool.

I hear 40 guys eat it in the first five
minutes.

We're there.

Pick me up here in a half an hour,
okay?

Okay.

Cool.

See you there.

Yeah, see you.

What?

Come on.

And so the bear says, you don't come here
to hunt, do you?

That's like Gary's one joke.

At least my joke is funny, unlike your
snail joke.

Hey, hey, my snail joke kills.

What's your snail joke?

What does a snail say when he rides on a
turtle?

Whee!

You know, get it?

Yeah, I get it.

It's funnier, like four in the morning.

So, you wanna go out again sometime?

Yeah.

What do you say?

Sure.

Okay?

Okay.

Good night.

She would've kissed me except you were
here.

Oh, yeah.

Your snail joke got her way hot.

I thought she was gonna rip your clothes
off.

All right.

All right, that's it.

You want a fight, you got one.

But we do this on our own.

No Lisa Magic.

Agreed.

No Lisa Magic.

Good.

Because without it, you don't stand a
chance.

What do you say to that?

Wee!

Wee!

Wee!

Wow.

Football, basketball, and power surfing?

With all those letters, your varsity
jacket must be pretty full.

Let's just say it came with matching
pants.

And the only letter Gary knows is a D
minus.

I can't believe she's buying that load.

Mmm, that algae's looking good.

At least, will you pay attention?

Whoa.

Check out the set of feelers on her.

Yeah, like those are real.

How do you keep that 4.0 with all those
varsity sports?

It isn't easy.

Especially with all the time I have to put
in tutoring Wyatt.

You have to tutor him?

Mm-hmm.

But he's so smart.

He's an expert on Monet.

Oh, sure.

Monet.

That was a long night.

I'm glad something finally stuck.

Just once, I'd like to hear him tell the
truth.

What do you say, Lisa?

A little help?

And what about your no magic promise?

Sorry, but nothing's gonna drive a wedge
between my two best friends.

Ice cream.

Chunky monkey.

On me.

Hmm?

So what do you do for fun?

Oh, the usual.

Read penthouse.

Play with my nose hairs.

Make bubbles in the tub.

Hmm?

So you're sort of a renaissance man.

I don't know what that means.

So I'm just gonna try and impress you by
saying, Yes!

Yes!

Wow.

That's incredibly honest.

Absolutely.

I'm very shallow that way.

Man, I'd love to nibble on your neck.

Of course, that big mole is really
skeeving me out.

Sorry.

I'm sorry I said that.

You should be.

Absolutely.

One more asinine remark like that and I'll
never see you naked.

This was a great idea.

Home alone on a rainy night.

So what movie did you rent?

Oh, one of those sensitive European films.

Psycho Death Babe 4.

You're learning.

This girl's taste in movies sucks.

No kidding.

The original Psycho Death Babe was much
better.

So, how was your date with Gary the other
night?

Lousy.

He was such a lech.

I hate when guys come on so strong.

Won't happen here.

I have too much respect for you to ever
pull a sleazy Gary Wallace move.

That was below the belt.

Pretty much everything's below your belt
now, isn't it?

Can we focus here?

You know, that mole there's really
attractive.

Thank you.

It's real.

I need some help.

Make him sweat a little.

Oh, I thought you guys promised not to use
magic on each other.

You helped him get me.

He offered me a frozen dessert.

Just call me Mr. Safdie.

One case of hot pants coming up.

What the hell?

Smoke them if you got them.

Is something wrong?

Uh, no.

Uh, no problem.

What's your problem?

I'm sorry.

It's just, uh, I'm so hot.

Oh, really?

I'm telling you.

My pants are on fire.

I better take them off.

Talk about a line.

How stupid do you think I am?

No.

You don't understand.

Right.

Sorry, Wyatt.

But you'll have to put out your fire
without me.

No!

No!

So we're together on this?

Yeah, if we keep up with this zap,
somebody's gonna put an eye out.

You know, again.

This is the only way.

Valerie chooses.

Her decision's fine.

Damn straight.

Valerie, we need to talk.

Yes, we do.

I'm sorry, but dating two guys who are
best friends was a bad idea.

I'm pulling the plug on this little
threesome.

No threesome.

Right.

All right.

Good call.

Val, we need the mop and the side is
sitting here.

Spinning barrel room?

You got it.

I'm on it.

I've gotta go.

Sorry it didn't work out, guys.

Double nukage.

Harsh.

For him, she said no threesome,
which means a twosome.

Which means me.

No.

Me.

Oh, come on.

What a couple of Mr. Thickies.

She doesn't want either of you.

Without Wyatt around,
it'll be me and Valerie

in that fun house steaming
up the wacky mares.

Not if I get there first.

Get out of the way!

What if neither of you gets there first?

Oh, man.

It's a Hilton.

Lisa?

Gotta love her.

So what do we do?

Behind one of these doors.

You will find what you seek.

What?

You mean Valerie?

Valerie's behind one of these doors?

But be wary.

For unspeakable terrors await behind the
wrong door.

After you.

Don't wait!

With my luck, she'll probably be behind
this one.

Back off, loser!

Your turn.

Oh, puppy!

Oh!

Hi, little buddy!

Excuse me.

Hey, look, a wallet!

There must be 300 bucks in here.

Oh!

I know.

I didn't think you could win cell phones
in a fun house either.

Uh-huh.

Oh, listen, Mom.

I gotta go.

We're at the next door.

It's my turn.

Bye.

Could you hold Mr. Leakey?

Hold on.

Let's review.

You've gotten a puppy, a new watch,
and a Caribbean cruise.

I've been scorched, clawed, and hosed.

Not to mention, punched by some fat guy
taking a shower.

Could I please have your turn?

Eh, be my guest.

But you owe me.

Hello, sweeties!

You two sizzling cuties sure took your
precious time getting to the right door.

You're not Valerie.

You must be the smart one.

Valerie told me about you.

You know where she is?

Duh.

Trees again!

For the first time in this or any other
household fun.

The adorable...
The black double!

Miss Valerie Vervais!

Speak it, Valerie.

Oh, isn't she amazing!

Give it up for today's grand prize!

It is your own personal battle of love.

What's going on?

Uh, uh, you must be, uh, the dumb one.

You might wanna take
notes, Einstein, cause

it's gonna get trained
nutty from here on out.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Brad!

How are you guys?

Hey, nice to meet you.

Hey.

You guys hang out at Zuma?

I know you guys from somewhere.

I know I do!

I know it!

Well, we'll freak it out later,
huh?

Okay!

Here it is!

You both want the girl!

Problem?

Only one of you can offer...

The solution!

Let's have a contest!

Ladies and...

Give it up!

For the cute smart one!

And it's warmer by the skinny dumb one!

Tough tent!

Anyway!

Here they are!

Two lucky Jimbo's strapped into their very
own personal dump tank of dirt!

Here's the deal, kiddies.

You've got ten fun-packed minutes to try
and free yourselves.

First one free gets the girl!

What happens to the other guy?

Bombs away Buddha!

Uh... Just... What exactly
is in that water anyway?

Today... We are
surfing... A lovely...

Naturally carbonated... French artesian
spring water... Me... Weasel... Acid!

Hang on a second.

Do you see that picture of me by your
head?

Yeah?

Just like the one you got of me,
so?

I think I see the trick.

Our noses are buttons!

The nose on your side releases me,
and the nose on my side releases you!

Hey, I can't reach!

Why the hell is my nose on your side?

Irony, you stoop!

We're bitter enemies, yet we have the
power to save each other.

Don't you watch Star Trek?

I'm not helping you win.

That's what Brad there is counting on.

We gotta work together.

On the count of three, we each press our
noses, then we're both free.

Okay.

On three then.

One...

Two... Three!

Press my nose!

I don't think so, pal.

Hey!

Hey!

Get back up here and press my nose,
you traitor!

Don't worry about that loser, Hoopsie.

You're the man!

You won!

The prize is yours!

Oops!

Hold on, Brad.

I'm the one who saved his lame butt!

Doesn't matter.

He's down here, and you're hung up there
like a cheap suit.

Tight boy.

Now, you kids scamper along.

And hey, call me.

I'm in the book.

I can't believe you're doing this!

Sorry, Wy.

I don't make the rules.

Although if I did, this is pretty much how
I'd want it to work out.

Have fun.

By the way, you're not really gonna dunk
him in the tank of acid, are you?

Come on!

This is me!

I couldn't do that to that poor guy.

Honest egg.

I don't know.

Hey.

Who got the girl, huh?

Good point.

Later.

Set it free!

Hey, little buddy.

Bet you've had better days.

Lost your bud.

Lost your girl.

Split open by a meat axe.

Huh?

Oh, yeah.

Like Lisa would let you k*ll me.

That axe is probably wrong.

Huh?

You're right.

Silly me.

That's better!

Lisa!

I know you wouldn't put
my life in danger without

supervising the situation
extremely closely!

Huh?

You're all so cute.

Could I see the pink giraffe again?

Mm-hmm.

But why are you attacking me?

You're insane!

I believe you're starting to get the
picture.

Get off.

Hold still, you scurvy little monkey!

Good move.

Close one.

Now I just need to hunt down that
back-stabbing beanpole and find Valerie.

Yoo-hoo!

Oh, no.

Lighten up, Clarabelle.

It's only seltzer.

You came back.

How'd you know he wanted to k*ll me?

Psychopathic clown with an axe?

What'd you think he was gonna do?

Build you a ski lodge?

Hmm.

Gar, it means a lot that you came back for
me.

Yeah, well, I was kind of a jerk.

And you saw Valerie first.

Yeah, but I never should have sabotaged
her date like that.

Why don't you take her?

No.

You.

I insist.

You guys are such a couple of sexist
bonehead losers.

Who I decide to go out with is my choice
and nobody else's.

Got it?

You go, girl.

If anyone's interested, it still burns.

Put a cork in it, Brad.

You're right, we're sorry.

We were kind of obsessive.

Kinda?

All right, make your choice then.

We promise to live with whatever you
decide.

Go ahead.

We can take it.

I like him.

What?

He's a bad clown.

You can't date a bad clown.

Shut up, dummy.

She made her choice.

And besides, we prefer the term evil
clown.

Hey!

So you're saying you'd
rather date a homicidal,

axe-wielding circus
freak than neither of us?

He makes me laugh.

Listen,

people understand my intentions.

Oh-oh-oh-oh.