03x17 - The Legend of Red Brick Wallace

[bunniefuu]

You make man?

No.

Woman.

Woman.

[MUSIC - OINGO BOINGO, "WEIRD SCIENCE"]

THEME SONG: Weird science, ooo!

Pictures from a magazine, diagrams and charts,

mending broken hearts and making weird science.

Something like a recipe, bits and pieces, bits and pieces.

My creation, is it real?

It's my creation, ooo, my creation.

It's my creation!



No heart of gold-- just flesh and blood.

I do not know.

It's my creation, ooo, my creation.

It's my creation!

From my heart and from my hand, why don't people?

It's alive.

Alive!



There she is, Sylvie Tyler.

After the sudden, tragic break up with her boyfriend,

she's a free agent again.

Just waiting for the next nice guy to ask her out.

And that guy is gonna be you, Gary.

It's gonna be me.

I can feel it.

You ready?

I'm ready.



Uh-oh.

Trouble.



Carl Cleghorn.



This school ain't big enough for the both of us.



Ah!

[LAUGHTER]

Dude, you OK?

Tell me you money on Carl.

We'll split it.

Come on.

It was luck of the draw.

Carl could've slipped in the milk just as easily as you did.

Wrong.

Family curse.

Whenever it comes to a showdown of any kind,

a Wallace is gonna lose.

Tell that to your great great granddaddy

Dad.

What are you doing here?

You forgot your lunch.

You know, 100 years ago, your ancestor, Red Brick Wallace,

did the family name proud in a showdown to end all showdowns.

Red Brick licked four good-for-nothing cowpokes

single handed.

So don't forget, you come from proud stock, boy.

Oh, uh, I backed over it with a tow truck.

Sorry.

Couldn't save the pudding up.

See you, boys.

Proud stock.

More like chicken stock.

He's telling the truth.

Your great great granddaddy was a hero.

Made all the papers 100 years ago.

Here.

Red Brick Wallace Dispatches Four Ruffians in a Showdown.

No kidding?

My ancestor was a bad a*s g*n fighter?

Cool.

I gotta meet this guy.

Maybe I can pick up a few pointers.

Can you make it happen, Lis?

Get ready, cowpokes, and hang onto your spurs.

We're going back to the Old West.

Yee haw!

Does he have to come?



Whoa.

Ugh.



Sorry.

Welcome to 1895, guys.

So where's my great great grandad?

Polishing his six g*n?

Duking it out with some cattle rustlers?

Try emptying spit pots.



Wallace Spittoon Company?

Hey, Red.

Got one for you.

[DING]



So the Wallace legend is born.



I don't think we're blending in very well.

I'll zap us up some hats, chaps, and bustiers.

[BUZZING]

What gives?

Hm.

There are no power lines.

No generators.

My magic feeds on electricity.

So no juice, no magic?

No magic, no time travel.

We're stuck in the Old West.

I don't wanna panic anyone, but they

don't get cable around here for another 90 years.

We have to find a way to make electricity.

It's our only way home.

Great idea, professor.

Ginger and I can go get some coconuts

so you can make a battery.

Coconuts, that's ridiculous.

We need potatoes.

Well, we might as well make the best of it while we're here.



Look at me.

I'm a cowboy.



Howdy, partner.

Name's Wyatt.

Wyatt Earp.

Wyatt Earp?

You k*lled my brother.

No!

Kidding! Ha ha!

I'm Wyatt Donnelly.

Donnelly.

I was joking.

Joking?



There he is.

My ancestor.

The fastest spittoon shiner in the west.

It's honest work.

Give him a chance.



Hi.

So you, uh, cleaning the old spittoon there?

Nope.

Turning it.

Tuning?

[DING] -Yeah.

Believe me.

A good ring will make the whole saloon sound

a whole lot more pleasant.

Suppose there's a science to everything.

Yeah.

[RINGING]



[WHISTLING]

It's weird not having my magic.

Normally, I'd zap that guy into a toasted bagel.

Now all I can do is this.



Howdy, slim.

Uh, actually, name's Wyatt.

Donnelly.

Wyatt Donnelly.

Oh.

Sorry about that.

Hey, spit boy!

Get your hide over here.

Got a powerful spitter brewing.



All done?

Yeah.

[g*nshots]



[LAUGHTER]



I lose more spittoons this way.

How can you let him get away with that?

No choice.

Them there's the Devil's Hand g*ng.

They're the meanest bunch of cattle rustling, horse

thieving, g*n toting, whiskey guzzling,

card cheating, haiku writing--

OK.

OK, already.

MAN: The sheriff's coming!



I heard sh**ting.

Anybody dead?

Nope.

Too bad.

What do you care, Sheriff?

It's not like you'd have done anything.

If it had been you, I'd have had a drink and celebrated.

[LAUGHING]



Is it me, or does the Sheriff seem familiar?

Looks like you've got some family branches

in the Old West yourself.

Why do I get the feeling that before this wish is over,

I'm in for a frontier-style nipple twister?

Not just any nipple twister.

The skin pinchinest, flesh bruisinest, hair pullinest--

Shut up.

So what's our next step?

I told you to.

We need potatoes.

80 pounds of potatoes?

Oh, me, I can't eat put two in a sitting.

You want me to cook them for you?

No.

I need them raw.

My.

You are rugged.

Begonia, darling.

This little horsefly bothering you?

'Cause if'n he is, I'll be glad to see that he don't.

Huh?

I'm not after your woman.

Honest.

I'm just looking for potatoes so I can make a crude battery.

Potatoes?

You making fun of me, ain't you, boy?

Easy, Snake.

Kid's new in town.

He-- he don't want no trouble.

Nobody wants no trouble.

How about I buy you a shot of whiskey?

And how about you minding your own business?

Come on, pretty thing.

Let's me and you get out of here.

No.

Let go of me, Snake.

She don't wanna go.

Back off, spit pot.

I'm gonna regret this.



You're gonna be real sorry you did that, Red.



Sheriff.

You gotta do something.



You're right.

Snake.

Before you sh**t him, I best remind you of something.

You k*ll him, you bury him.

Heh heh.

Proceed!

Prepare to meet your maker.

[PIANO PLAYING]



[CHEERING]

Polish my pistola.

[SINGING] Like a virgin.



Touched for the very first time.



Like a virgin.



When your heart beats next to mine.

All my love, boy.

That little filly just saved my life.

She's got a knack.



[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SINGING] Do a little dance.

[SINGING] Do a little dance.

[SINGING] Make a little love.

[SINGING] Make a little love.

[SINGING] Get down tonight.

[SINGING] Get down tonight.

[SINGING] Get down tonight.

[SINGING] Get down tonight.



[SINGING] Do a little dance.

[SINGING] Do a little dance.

[SINGING] Make a little love.

[SINGING] Make a little love.

[SINGING] Get down tonight.

[SINGING] Get down tonight.

[SINGING] Get down tonight.

[SINGING] Get down tonight.

[g*nshots]



Help yourself to all you need.

What are they for again?

It's kind of hard to explain.

Try.

Well, I'm constructing a crude power source

by tapping into this potato and converting

its chemical components into electrical energy.

You sure do have a purdy mouth.

Yeah.

Well, thanks.

Just remember, a man can't live on taters alone.



Can I help you?

I just wanted to make the acquaintance

of my son-in-law to be!

I'd like you to meet my pappy.

Huh?



Thanks again for these canvas moccasins.

They sure are comfy.

Yeah.

Good trade.

I can do some major boot scootin' in these babies.

Well, boys.

What y'all wanna do today?

Been a long time since we burned a man's

business to the ground, Snake.

Well, you know, Red's got a business.

Made out of wood, too.

Heh.

I reckon we found tonight's entertainment.

Now, fellows.

You keep talking like that, I may have to arrest you.

[LAUGHTER]

You gonna take that?

Oh, no, no, no.

Don't give them no never mind.

They're just talking.

My pappy used to say discretion's

the better part of valor.



Only a fool picks a fight when he don't have to.

Well, somebody has to stand up to these guys.

You got a problem there, beanpole?

Yeah, I do.

Easy.

They're Too dangerous to get mixed up with.

How can you say that?

You're Red Brick Wallace.

You're supposed to be a hero.

Red Brick, a hero?

Ha ha!

He ain't no more a hero than the sheriff here's a law man.

Guilty as charged.

[LAUGHING]

Ha.

Ha ha ha.

What's so funny?

I'll tell you what's funny.

It just so happens that tomorrow,

the Apple dumpling g*ng's gonna get their butts

kicked by Red Brick.

Gary.

You hear that, boys?

Spit Pot Red is gonna take all four of us on.

Uh-- uh, do I have a say in this?

Not anymore.

We'll be seeing you tomorrow at noon.



High noon.

Hold on, Snake.

I-- if we go and k*ll Red, where we gonna spit?



Damn it.

I just got these.

[LAUGHING]

Forget about the boots.

You just got me k*lled.

I thought we was friends.

What gives?

I set up the big match and that's the thanks I get?

Gary.

Did it ever occur to you that maybe

Red won that fight because they didn't know it was a-coming?

I mean coming.

Uh, no.

Congratulate me, guys.

I'm a star.

What's wrong?

Gary was kind enough to warn the bad guys

about tomorrow's big showdown.

Like a little inside info's gonna change history.

Well, there's only one way to find out.



Cattle Stampede Endangers Town.

Huh. the whole article's gone.

Look.

Spittoon Repairman Dies in Scuffle.

Oops.

But if Red Brick Wallace dies--

Gary's grandparents won't be born.

Or his parents.

Or me.



Looks like I'm the center of attention.

See?

They're all staring.

That's because they know you're the only man tough enough to

take on the Devil's Hand g*ng.

Yeah.

And that I'm gonna die.

Yo, Snidely.

You mind?

I'm a 44 stout.

Leave room for my boots.

You don't know for sure you're gonna die.

You might, you know, live.

Good stuff.



At high noon tomorrow, four ruthless desperadoes

are gonna come gunning for your butt,

and you're sitting here tuning mouth toilets?

We need a plan.

OK.

How about this?

We dress Red up like a woman and sneak him out of town

under the cover of darkness.

I got a better idea.

I'll explain it was all a misunderstanding.

I'm sure they'll listen to reason.

No.

That idea sucks.

Those guys only listen to one thing.

Lead.

Go on.

Show us what you can do.

Oh, but--

Uh, fight fire with fire, Red.

Fire with fire.

Uh, what should I aim at?

How about the far wall?

Huh?

We'll get harder.

[DINGING]



Woo hoo!

I got the hat.

OK.

Plan B. We fake your death and dig you up in a week.

I still think we should dress him up as a woman.

He'd look so cute.

Fine. go ahead.

Leave me.

It's not like I'll be around much longer anyhow.

Relax.

I'm gonna go help Wyatt.

Yeah.

Where the hell is he?

He's building a giant battery to power my magic.

The potatoes are washed, the chicken wire's ready,

and all we need is a wash basin and I'm back online.

Great.

So the future of my entire family

depends on something Wyatt saw once on "Beakman's World."

I suppose I-- I should have told you, I--

I tune with my left, but I sh**t with my right.



Hoo!

You're my hero!

Ha!

Well, Red Brick's resting up his g*n hand for the big showdown.

Whoa.



So how's the fryolater coming?

Did you know you can make electricity

from an ordinary potato?

It's true.

Science can be fun if you just take the time.

Lissie and I have harnessed the power of electricity.

Just in time to save Red.

Red's not gonna be needing any magic.

The way he's sh**ting, those dorks

will be begging for mercy.

I find that hard to believe.

Believe it.

He's a Wallace.

We know how to kick butt.

I hope he's right.



Spittoon Maker Eats Lead, Pushes Daisies.

We're gonna need more potatoes.



You sure this will work?

I've rewired the output to electrify

that chicken wire grid.

Soon as the Devil's Hand g*ng step on it, zappo.

Frontier stun g*n.



What time have you got?

Ate.

It's noon.

Excuse me.

High noon.

Come on, Red!

Unless you're yellow!



Get it, boys?

Red?

Yellow?

Hm?

Oh, to hell with it.

Let's just sh**t him.

I guess this is it.

[MUSIC PLAYING]



Hey. Hold it, y'all.

Hold on.

Stop this right now.

What do you people think you're doing?

I can't believe you were gonna start without me.



Good luck to both of you.



OK.

You can k*ll him now.



Look at them.

They're shaking in their boots.

You're gonna plug them so full of lead,

they'll wish they never tangled with a Wallace.



What are you doing?

This ain't right.

sh**ting people never solved anything.

I mean, what are we even fighting about?

Honor. Respect.

Law.

They're running over this town.

Somebody's gotta stand up to them.

You're right.

That's just what I'm gonna do.

Wyatt.

Wait.

Red's coming this way.

What?

What's he doing?

He's gonna step on the grid.

Turn it off.

I can't.

I installed an electrostatic charge capacitor.

What are you talking about?

The zucchini!



This is a showdown, Red!

Technically, I think you're supposed to start

up the other end of the street.

Yeah, I know.

But I wanted to tell you to your face.

I-- I apologize for swatting you yesterday, Snake.

I got no quarrel with you or your boys.

And g*n play never solved anything.

Apology accepted.

Put away your g*ns, boys.

Ain't we gonna sh**t him, Snake?

Nope.

We're gonna k*ll him with our bare hands.



Red.

A bit of advice.

Run.

I can't.

A Wallace never backed down from a fight.

Since when?

[SPARKING]

Oh no.

He's toast.



Look!

Nothing's happening.

It's the sneakers!

He's insulated!

Come on, boys.

Let's finish him off!



[APPLAUSE]

One punch!

Pal, you knocked them out cold, you stud!

Aren't you excited?

I do feel a bit tingly at that!

Golly, Red.

I guess I was wrong about you.

You're the real authority in this town.



Ha ha ha!

You, sheriff?

What am I, loco?

MAN: Get him! WOMAN: Come on!

String him up!

Let's get him!

I'm the sheriff!

I'm proud to know you, Red Brick Wallace.



Power of righteousness was surging through my loins

and into my fist.

Hey.

What's the rush?

I wanna stick around for the post-showdown shindig.

We gotta stay.

It's at the brothel.

We don't have time.

I think we might have enough juice for Lisa to zap us home,

but we gotta hurry.

The radishes could blow any second.

You don't wanna know.

[CLICK]

WYATT: Oh no.

Not so fast, tater boy.

Time for you to get hitched.

Oh, yeah.

I'm getting married.

Lis, what are we gonna do?

We're trapped.

What do you mean we?



So, were you thinking sit down reception, or buffet?



Oh, pappy.

You always scare them away.



[MUSIC - OINGO BOINGO, "WEIRD SCIENCE"]

THEME SONG: Weird science.

Fantasy and microchips, sh**ting from the hip,

something different, we're making weird science.

Ooo!

Pictures from a magazine, bits and pieces, bits and pieces.

My creation, is it real?

It's my creation.

I do not know.

It's my creation!

From my heart and from my hand, why don't people

understand my intentions?